The World According To Ron 11.7.00
Posted by Ron Gamble on 11.07.2000
Hello, I'm Ron Gamble, and welcome back to our coverage of Election 2000.
Hello, I'm Ron Gamble, and welcome back to our coverage of Election 2000.
As you know, the outcome of today's election will determine the
direction of our country for the next four years, as far as the executive
branch of government goes. There are, of course, 435 elections for each
seat in the House of Representatives, and 34 Senate seats are also up for
grabs.
However, the big story this evening is just as we expected it to be, the
unbelievably close race for electoral votes in the Electoral College in
the race for the presidency. As we look at the map (camera shows large
map of the US, with states colored in red, blue, and white), you can see
the stats that have closed their polls, and how we believe they will go.
Most of the states in the South are colored blue, as we expected, for
Booker T and General Rection. Virginia, the Carolinas, Georgia,
Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Texas are all
in WCW's column, which is no surprise, because the South is WCW's
stronghold. Those states give T and Rection a total of 124 votes to this
point.
The states in red, mostly in the North, are all in the "win" column of
Kurt Angle and Eddy Guerrero. Those states include Maine, Connecticut,
Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Jersey,
Delaware, and New York which gives Angle and Guerrero a total of 86
votes. Just to remind you, it takes 270 votes in the Electoral College
to become President.
We are now going to look at the states that have just closed the polls
to see what the exit polls say there. West Virginia, with 5 electoral
votes, will go to Angle and Guerrero. Indiana, with 12 votes, looks
like it is a WCW state, so that's another 12 votes for T and Rection.
Michigan has 18 votes, and they will go to Angle and Guerrero. Illinois
and its 22 votes look to go to Angle and Guerrero as well. Looking back
at those states that have closed their polling places earlier tonight,
Florida, which one would think would be an easy win for T and Rection, is
still too close to call. However, the big story is in Pennsylvania,
where we have what many would call a huge upset. Pennsylvania and its 23
votes, according to our exit polls, will not go to Angle OR T, but
instead to third-party candidate Steve Corino and his running mate,
Rhino. For more on this, we go now to Philadelphia to Corino Campaign
Headquarters and our correspondent, Joseph Styles. Joey, how is the
Corino camp reacting to the news that they won Pennsylvania?
STYLES (with hand cupping ear): Well, Ron, according to the people here
at Corino's headquarters, they are not surprised at all by this news.
Pennsylvania, especially the eastern half of the state, has been showing
strong support for Corino and Rhino since they announced their candidacy,
and apparently that strong support, which was centered around
Philadelphia, was enought to swing the state away from Angle and his
home base of Pittsburgh in the west.
GAMBLE: You bring up an interesting question, Joey. Kurt Angle was
counting on the 23 votes from his home state, but now that those are
gone, he will have to hope for help elsewhere. Are the Corino camp
concerned that, by winning Pennsylvania, they might throw the election to
Booker T and General Rection?
STYLES: I asked that question as well, Ron, and campaign spokesman Paul
Heyman said that, quite frankly, that's not their problem. Heyman told
me that if Angle and Guerrero had actually done some polling in Angle's
home state, they would have realized there might be some problems.
HEYMAN (on video): You know, I don't care if we cost Angle and Guerrero
the White House. That's not our problem. Our job is not to get Angle
elected; our job is to get Steve Corino elected. Angle had the power of
the WWF and all their big-money guys behind his campaign, and if he can't
win his own home state away from a small-money campaign, that has never
taken money from the special interests, that has no backing from the
power brokers, that is, quite simply, a grass-roots campaign of, by, and
for the people, then maybe he has no business being elected in the first
place. (video ends)
STYLES: As you can hear, very strong words from Heyman and the Corino
camp for Angle, Guerrero, and the WWF. Ron?
GAMBLE: Thank you, Joey. We will now go to the Angle Campaign
Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut, and our reporter there, James
Ross. Jim, what's the mood there at Angle HQ?
ROSS: Well, Ron, right now, the mood here is lower than a tick on the
sidewalk on a hot summer day. Angle was counting on those votes from
home, and now that Corino has won Pennsylvania and 23 votes, well, it's
almost as if Martial Law has been declared.
GAMBLE: Excuse me, Jim?
ROSS: What's wrong?
GAMBLE: What did you mean, "It's almost as if Martial Law has been
declared?"
ROSS: I never said that.
GAMBLE: Yes, you did.
ROSS: No, I didn't, Ron. I tell you, I'm gonna have to go down to the
studio and open up a can of whoopass. Can you take the heat, Ron?
GAMBLE: What?
ROSS: What's wrong, Ron? Can't you hear? Maybe you need to listen to
"WWF: The Music, Volume Four" for a few minutes.
GAMBLE: Jim, please go to the tape already.
ROSS: Oh, I se the way this works! Let the new boys, with their pretty
faces, get all the good air time, and stick me in the back! It's not my
fault my face is like this, you know! I have a legitimate medical
condition! If all you're going to do is stick the...
VINCE MCMAHON (on tape, interrupting Ross): Well, yes, we're somewhat
concerned over the loss of Pennsylvania, but it's nothing that can't be
overcome. We're looking very well in the West, especially in California
and Washington. This election is not over, it wasn't over when Eric
Bischoff was running the show, and it's not over now.
GAMBLE: That was Vince McMahon, whose title is not "official spokesman,"
but rather, "official jackhammer" for the Angle campaign. Jim, what did
McMahon mean when he said, "It wasn't over when Eric Bischoff was
running the show?" Why would he bring up Bischoff, who is the former
campaign strategist for T and Rection?
ROSS (furious, throwing hat to ground): I'll tell you what, Gamble, you
jackass! You want to take over MY job? You just stay right there, and
I'm gonna deliver some Christmas Chaos, special delivery, right up
your...
GAMBLE: This has just been handed to me, Jim, sorry to interrupt.
Arkansas has just closed its polls, and we can now project that those 6
votes are going to Booker T and General Rection. We are now going to T
Headquarters in Atlanta, and our reporter, Tony Schiavone. Tony, what is
the mood in the T camp right now?
SCHIAVONE: Ron, right now, you are looking live at the headquarters for
the Booker T for President campaign, and it's, well, it's, um...
GAMBLE: Dark?
SCHIAVONE: Yes, that's the word. Really dark, especially around the
balcony. Not many people were expected at the victory celebration, so
they did not sell too many tickets. There has been chaos all through the
campaign season for this ticket, and no one really gave them much of a
chance outside of their closest advisors. Therefore, they gave away
quite a few tickets to make the party seem more like a party and less
like a, um...
GAMBLE: Wake, Tony?
SCHIAVONE: Yes, I am, Ron. We were going to try to get a word with
someone from the Booker T campaign, but we can't find anyone who knows
who's in charge. There have been so many stories going around, not even
Booker T and General Rection know for sure who to talk to. However, I
can tell you that a win tonight would be a great shot in the arm for the
general election later this year.
GAMBLE: Um, Tony?
SCHIAVONE (sneaking a finger sandwich into his mouth): Yes, Ron?
GAMBLE: Tonight IS the general election.
SCHIAVONE: ...
GAMBLE: Tony?
SCHIAVONE: Really? Are we on the air right now?
GAMBLE: Yes, we are, Tony.
SCHIAVONE: Oh.
GAMBLE: We'll go back to Tony Schiavone later in the evening. In the
meantime, sit back, relax, maybe go get a cold beverage and a sandwich.
Tonight is going to be a loooong night. Looking now at the race for the
Senate in New York...
_________________________________________________________________________
Hope you enjoyed that. Go vote early and often.
_________________________________________________________________________
And now, last week's "RExplain THAT!?!" went as follows:
>Before his match with Mike Sanders, The Cat told the crowd that he saw
>Mark Madden naked in the shower, then started to go into detail about
>his, um, rump roast. Why, though, if Cat saw him, would he boast about
>it on national television? Explain THAT!?!
Our award-winning explanations include...
>Since the Cat has lost his position as commissioner, WCW needs to find
>him a new gimmick. Obviously, the new gimmick will be that of a gay
>chubby chaser, so he enjoyed the view of Madden's "rump roast."
>Simple Ron, the Cat is just amazed that he wasn't blinded by the glare.
>In the tradition of ripping ideas off from the WWF and failing
>miserably, they are trying their own love trianlgle, it appears as
>though the Cat is going to turn bisexual and be torn between two love
>interests. Hell maybe they'll bring Kwee Wee into the mix.
>The WCW workers, hoping to destroy the company from
>the inside before they are all fired, resorts to
>revealing Mark Madden's man-boobs on national
>television in order to scare away all viewers. After
>learning that less than 800 people actually paid to
>see Nitro, the WCW workers decide that they must act
>now if they are to achieve victory. And so, the Cat
>is sent out to put the final nail in the coffin.
>Miller, the tricky kitty that he is, uses our own
>imaginations against us and goes into a disgustingly
>detailed description of Madden's rump. The minds of
>every television viewer and fan in attendance picture
>this "thing" and our collective innocence is
>permanently scarred. Miller's plan is a success and
>now all cringe in fear of the letters WCW.
Whilke that was very close, our winner is StneAnubis@aol.com, with what
I have to call a brilliant explanation.
>Let me sum up the answer to explain that this week with a little
>analogy. So in 2000 Leagues Under the Sea there's this giant squid,
>right? Well, when you see the movie and the squid attacks the nautilus
>you view the horror of the situation and the terror that the sailors
>inside must feel. You want to look away, but at the same time you have
>to watch. So now you're the Cat, and you've seen something thousands of
>times more horrible than a giant squid. He had to watch, and he must
>make everyone else feel the same pain by explaining it. It's that
>simple.
Thank you, Andy. Thank you for all of us.
And now, this week's puzzler:
Steve Austin's ring vest had three prominent letters on the bottom left:
"BMF." Please remember, this is a family column as you Explain THAT!?!
