The World According To Ron 11.15.00
Posted by Ron Gamble on 11.15.2000
Time to borrow Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine. Sherman, set the controls for October 18, 2000:
First off, any spelling problems in last week's column are easily
explained: it was about 1:00 Tuesday morning when I wrote it, and I had
other things on my mind beside perfect spelling. Sure, the election was
one thing, but only a small part. Number one on my plate last week was
what the doctor called "minor sinus surgery" to remove a growth
approximately the size of a watermelon from behind my left eye. I go
later today (Wednesday) to get the packing removed from my sinuses, and
I've had a constant pressure headache since Friday morning.
You know, maybe I should have waited until after the surgery. It's
amazing what insight you can gain from codeine. For example, did you
ever realize that our internal organs work with total efficiency for most
of our lives in total darkness? Or, if or knees bent the other way, the
figure four leglock would be put on the exact same way? Let's see Hyatte
come up with thoughts like THAT!
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Before I get the inevitable "HYATTE IS GOD YOU SUCK" deluge of e-mails
that follow any comment anyone ever makes about Chris, it was a joke.
You people remember jokes, don't you?
And no, I'm not talking solely about "I did Madden's mother" lines.
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Do you remember a few weeks ago, when WCW was on their Australian tour?
Of course you do. It wasn't so long ago that Schiavone's hypnotic voice
has been able to make WCW fans throw logic and history out the window, so
you do remember.
At that time, it seems that Vincey and the WWF were going to buy WCW.
People were faling all over themselves predicting the end of professional
wrestling as we know it if the sale went through. A few online
commenters and opinion makers went out on a limb and said the sale would
be a good thing for all involved. But, to my knowledge, only one person
went so far out on the limb that it almost broke from the weight.
And that's after I even lost 25 pounds in the past three months.
Time to borrow Mr. Peabody's Wayback Machine. Sherman, set the controls
for October 18, 2000:
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>(W)hy not allow WCW to put special emphasis on the "World" in their
>title? Separate the two companies by allowing the wrestlers to decide
>whether or not they would like to travel around the world in six- to
>twelve-month stretches. Those who want to go around the world would
>become employees of WCW, and those who want to stay in North America
>would then join the WWF.
>Imagine WCW Monday Nitro coming to you from Cape Town, South Africa,
>followed by WCW Thunder from Pretoria, South Africa. The next week,
>Nitro from Manila, Philippines, followed by Thunder from Davao,
>Philippines. The next week, Nitro from Montevideo, Uruguay, followed by
>Thunder from Mercedes, Uruguay. You get the idea.
>WCW could also offer some "travelogue" footage from each country, much
>like we've seen the past two weeks from Australia. And, the crowds, not
>used to the kind of entertainment a world-traveling professional
>wrestling troupe provides, would continue to be large and energetic.
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We're back already? Man, these trips get shorter and shorter each time.
Think back to Mike Tenay's introductory lines on Monday (or, better
yet, go grab the tape, if you didn't record last night's "Who Wants to Be
a Millionaire?" over it yet). What did he say? "This is why we're
called, 'WORLD Championship Wrestling!'" They even started the program
by showing scenes from all around London. The crowd was large, and the
balcony was lit up. The wrestlers were energized, and overall, it was a
good show. We'll see if the energy from London transferred over to
Manchester tonight.
If AOL/Time Warner/Beatrice/BASF/Sony/Viking Press/Your Name Here does
decide to keep WCW, the money is there. They could sign various arenas
around the world to exclusive contracts (read that: anyone but WWF), and
broadcast from a different country each week.
Plus, it's a new way for a driven young man to see the world. It used to
be the only ways to see other countries were to be a bum and hitchhike
around the world, or pick up a gun and serve your country. Now, WCW
could promote world peace while entertaining the world and allow people
the chance to see places they couldn't if they were stuck in a 9-to-5.
Wow, who'da thunk it? WCW, peacemaker to the world? Wow.
As long as Madden doesn't get a Nobel Peace Prize, I could see that
happen.
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Why don't I want Madden to get a Nobel Peace Prize? Because I don't
think they make tuxedos that size.
Oh, wait. What am I thinking? Rush Limbaugh has a tux. Mark could just
borrow his and have the tailor let it out a little in the sides, seat,
back, front...
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Just an update here. No "World" next week, as I travel to my parents and
my in-laws to do my Bastion Booger imitation. However, I will give you a
new edition of what has become everyone's favorite part of this column
anyway, "Explain THAT!?!"
Speaking of which...
Steve Austin's ring vest had three prominent letters on the bottom left:
"BMF." Please remember, this is a family column as you Explain THAT!?!
>BMF on his vest is a message for Debra while she was
>taste-testing at WWF New York. It means Bring Me Food.
>Austins BMF simply stands for "Beer Means Fun"!!! thats nice and G rated
>for ya!
>The latest's Mop-Up closer (for the week of 10/30) delt with many people
>doing indescribable things to Mark Madden's mother. Obvoiusly, the WWF
>read this closer, and they had a laugh riot. So, Stone Cold Steve Austin
>wanted to add insult to injury and indirectly hint this closer. Austin
>comes out with "BMF" on his vest, with obviously stands for "Banged
>Madden's Father"...oh, wait...that's a typo! It's supposed to read
>"BMM"! Somebody messed up in the costume department! Heads are sure
>gonna roll!
>Bret Hart
>Made my
>F'N career ?
>After 11 months off, Stone Cold Steve Austin obviously got a bit out of
>shape and acquired a gut by downing quite a few Steveweisers. Regular
>WWF fans immediately noticed this and will not be convinced to believe
>otherwise. However, the WWF has taken measures to make the casual WWF
>fans less aware of Austin's diminishing physique. A "BMF" has been
>placed in the corner of the Rattlesnake's black vest, representing
>Austin's newest title, "Best Male Figure," as voted by WWF personnel in
>a vote featuring other nominees Mark Henry, Mideon, Viscera, and
>Rikishi.
>We all know that Austin is not a very nice person and will do anything
>to insult other wrestlers. We all know that Steve McMichael is not a
>good looking man and hasn't been with many women. Therefore, BMF stands
>for "Banging Mongo's First".
>Look it perfectly obvious what the letters stand for, your just trying
>to be clever and witty, Austins new endorsement deal for trucks means
>that he is supposed to have "Bring My Ford" on his vest but there is no
>space, hence BMF
All very good explanations, and all very viable (as well as family column
oriented). I wish I could have continued with Michael Shockley's
explanation, where he talks about Vince McMahon's gulps and Chyna, but
this is already long enough (for you 411 forumers, Shockley is, indeed,
The Game).
This week, we have a tie! My brother, Lance (who is neither a sailor nor
a male stripper, A-Wall), sent it in first, but H0MECHEESE@aol.com sent
in the same explanation. This won because it was suggested twice, not
because of who suggested it first:
>Very simply: Be My Friend.
>He wants to be that friendly, huggable, lovable guy that everyone wants
>to just talk to. He is just a little shy and unable to make his
>feelings known.
Besides, what do you care if my brother wins? It's not like there's a
prize or anything...
And now, without further ado, this week's stumper:
On Nitro, one of the Battle Dome Guys (I've only seen the show once, but
I think his name is T-Money) told Doug Dillenger, "We drove all the way
from Freakin' America to England to bust that ass." Unless I missed the
opening of a bridge somewhere, it sounds like the perfect chance to
Explain THAT!?!
