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The 8-Ball 11.09.12: Top 8 Wrestlers for Obama's Cabinet
Posted by Ryan Byers on 11.09.2012



Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the 8-Ball. I am your party host, Ryan Byers, and two weeks ago, we did a Halloween-themed column when we counted down the Top 8 Weirdest Monster Gimmicks in professional wrestling history. Last week, we didn't really have a holiday or a good theme for the column, but, this week, it's a different story.

That's right, this past Tuesday evening was presidential election night in the great United States of America, and we've got a column for you that celebrates the spirit of that season. Sorry, foreign readers, I'm just flat-out ignoring you this week.



Top 8 Wrestlers for President Obama's Cabinet


As you all know by this point, Barack Hussein Obama has been reelected to the Presidency of the United States of America. Whether you agree with or disagree with Obama's policies, I think that we can all concur that the country is facing some difficult issues, and whoever our leader is needs to surround himself with the wisest advisors that he can find. This isn't a job that just one person can do.

Some of the individuals who work most closely with the POTUS are the men and women appointed to his cabinet, who come from a wide array of backgrounds, be it careers in government, the private sector, or non-governmental avenues of public service. However, one area that I believe has been unfortunately overlooked when presidents are selecting their cabinet members is the world of professional wrestling. The grappling game has much to offer in terms of providing top-ranking officials for the executive branch, and I think that Barack Obama is the perfect president to begin reaping some of the benefits that a cabinet full of wrestlers could provide.

So I now present to you the top eight wrestlers who would make exemplary members of President Obama's cabinet.

8. "Hard Work" Bobby Walker as Secretary of Labor






Some of you might not remember "Hard Work" Bobby Walker, but he was a fixture of WCW Saturday Night and {Pro} during the height of the Monday Night War, where he was part of the jobber stable managed by none other than Teddy Long. How could he NOT make for a good Secretary of Labor? Let's face it, the phrase "Hard Work" is part of the guy's name. Plus he was one of the plaintiffs in the racial discrimination lawsuit filed against WCW in its dying days, so I'm sure that he would only implement policies that provide for the highest degree of equality possible between different racial groups within the workplace. That can't be a bad thing.

7. High Voltage as Co-Secretaries of Energy






Robbie Rage and Kenny Kaos were guys who I thought didn't come close to living up to their potential in professional wrestling. Entering into the political arena would give them an opportunity to find the success that eluded them in the squared circle. Plus, given that they always worked best together as a team (Seriously, who gave a crap about Kaos when he worked with Rick Steiner?), a co-secretarial position would be perfect for them. One of the initiatives spearheaded by the Department of Energy is ensuring that our nation's electricity supply presents us with no major safety concerns. How could Rage and Kaos add to that initiative? It would be easy for them. They would simply have to play their wrestling theme song, which at its outset reminded everybody of the dangers of high voltage.

6. Roadblock as Secretary of Transportation






When you get to the highest levels of the federal government, you want to make sure that you are hiring individuals who unquestionably take their jobs seriously. You want people who are going to eat, sleep, and breathe their work, taking it with them wherever they go. That's exactly what you've got when it comes to the Rochester Roadblock and his dedication to transportation. This man didn't just name himself after an aspect of transportation. He decided that, in order to fully get in touch with the windswept spirit of American travel, he was going to almost literally become a road. He wrapped himself in the colors of the highway, meaning that transportation is always on his mind. So, until there is a wrestler who decides to dress himself up as a bridge, an air control tower, or perhaps a canal, Roadblock is our best choice for Secretary of Transportation.

5. Clarence Mason as Attorney General






Why would Clarence Mason, the former legal counsel to James E. Cornette, make a perfect attorney general? You see, Clarence Mason is the boss. He crosses t's and dots i's. He tells the truth, the whole truth, and he never tells a lie. Granted, some people might claim that he has been less than honest in the past by pointing to the fact that there was a brief period of time in the late 1990's during which he dropped out of sight and reportedly resurfaced as a sleazy Hollywood talent agent under the name of J. Biggs. However, reports that such events transpired are sketchy at best, because those events are rumored to have occurred in WCW, and nobody was actually watching WCW during that time period.

4. Damien Sandow as Secretary of Education






Since arriving in WWE, Damien Sandow has declared himself to be the "Intellectual Savior to the Masses." What exactly does this mean? I have no idea, but somebody with the brains to come up with such a lofty-sounded phrase must be far more intelligent than me and therefore worthy of directing the national arm of the program that educates my children. Besides, he is also bright enough to save significant amounts of money on his wardrobe by wearing a cheap blue bathrobe from Walmart and trying to pass it off as ring gear, meaning that, in addition to knowing how to educate our children, he would almost certainly know how to do it on a budget, which is needed in today's era of aging school buildings and ballooning teacher pensions.

3. Sgt. Slaughter as Secretary of Veterans' Affairs






Most people probably would have named Sgt. Slaughter to the position of Secretary of Defense, and they may even have suggested restoring the post's former name of "Secretary of War" to better match Slaughter's "take no prisoners" approach to life. However, I cannot approve of the drill sergeant being placed in a position where he would have some authority over ongoing military operations. Why? Because we cannot forget that, even though he later repented, this is the man who at one point turned his back on the entire country and pledged his allegiance to Saddam Hussein. Thus, I think that Slaughter would be a much safer bet for the Department of Veterans' Affairs, where he could put his knowledge of the military to use without being put into a position where he would endanger lives if his traitorous tendencies were to ever rear their heads again.

2. JBL as Secretary of Commerce






John "Bradshaw" Layfield has had a fair amount of success playing the financial markets, as evidenced by his healthy stock portfolio and the advice that he doled out in his WWE-sponsored book, Have More Money Now. Plus his real-life wife is Meredith Whitney, one of the most respected financial analysts in the United States, and she could surely be encouraged to give her hubby a few tips were he to be placed in to a position of power. Plus, there is an added bonus here that most people might not think of. JBL is a strongly avowed supporter of the Republican Party, and Barack Obama adding him to his cabinet would be a great way to demonstrate that he is willing to reach across the aisle and build some consensus with the GOP, which many citizens have been calling for for quite some time.

1. Hulk Hogan as Secretary of Homeland Security






When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside . . . you gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide. It has been rare that the United States has been confronted with a foreign threat on its own soil, but the nation needs to be ready. And, when it comes to repelling evil foreigners, who has a better track record than Hulk Hogan? The Hulkster has deflected a wide array of baddies from abroad, whether it has been ayatollahs from Iran, turncoats from Iraq, imperialists from Japan (by way of Samoa), and more communists than I care to count. Hell, I think I even remember him beating up a Dutchman somewhere in there, and the United States has never even had a bone to pick with Holland. If you watch the video above, you can even see that Hogan advocated for taking out Muammar Gaddafi a quarter of a century before the deed was actually done. Yes, Hulk Hogan needs to head up the Department of Homeland Security, if for no other reason than to insure that he's too busy to ever curse the world with another sex tape.

That's it for this week's 8-Ball. If you can't get enough of Ryan, follow him on Twitter here.



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