The Midnight News 6-3-02
Posted by Hyatte on 06.03.2002
Smackdown, Over Here, Over There, Austin, HHH, Grut, Mongoloids, Netcop, Cornette vs Ferrera vs Funk, Smokers, Madden, Hall, NWA, Bizkit, and I say goodbye for the final time.
Hello, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Ashish liked what he saw last week, so he isn't doing a hard news report. Thus, it's up to ME to get it all out to start your day. This week's column is ABSOLUTELY PACKED with hard news along with the silliness... last week it was just "PACKED", this week we add "ABSOLUTELY". Especially since this is my farewell column. Yeah, I have to say goodbye.
Anyway... I don't even have time for a faithful hate letter... so let's just sum up the majority of the mail like this:
A: 50% of you knew about the Alanis Morrisette/Dave Coulier connection, and bitched at me for such old news (sorry, but I'm an American! Like we have any TIME for such Canadian gossip... bitch, PLEASE)
B: 50% were more along the lines of "Dave Coulier? You're SHITTING me?" My American ni**az!
C: 99% of you were happy to see me back. So it's all good.
There you have it... now let's see what catches your eye THIS week... lots of stuff to choose from... like the Mop-Ups... I'm making this column a weekly EVENT... you'll never know what you'll get and can't wait to see.
WELL HOOP-DE DOO
Ahem...
Lakers: 112
Kings: 106
What you saw was a game where youngsters crumbled under the pressure and ended up depending on the red hot arm of Mike Bibby. How hot was Bibby? Well, how many other little white boys can make Shaq leave the paint and play defense downtown?
The Kings are young, hungry, and still play for the fun of it. The had no shot against the seasoned Laker pros who just stuck with the game plan and play like business men.
And next year... it'll be the return of the greatest rivalry in sports... ANY sports... after a long break, mostly due to the rise of His Airness, things will get back to where they should be and the CELTICS will rise. Lakers/Celtics... THEY WAY IT SHOULD BE!!!!
And if you think Laker fans, Bulls fans, or Kings fans are insufferable morons.... wait 'till the Celtics hit the finals. Oh man... you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet.
The question is, can I make Ashish change the colors to 411 a lovely green & white? Heh hah.
NEXT STOP: CRACK THE 100 MARK
Quick, what does each and every show on UPN and the WB, with the exception of 7th Heaven have in common?
We-hell-ell, they ALL got their asses WHUPPED by Smackdown this season. Smackdown is THE number 1 show on UPN, according to Nielson.
Temptation Island 2, Any airing of Whose Line Is It Anyway, The Wayne Brady Show, Family Guy, the Fox re-airing of 24, The Mole 2, yes, I said The Mole 2, Dawson's Creek, Charmed, Enterprise, The Ellen Show, The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, and yes, EVEN Nikki all got TROUNCED by Smackdown!! The show came in at 105th place.
So, while you are busy ringing the death knell for Vince and co, keep in mind the people at UPN are presently doing backflips.
So PFFFFTH!!!
HAWAIAN PUNCH (2)
Last week, I mentioned how the Rock and the rest of the Smackdown crew sold out the Neal S. Blaisdell Center in Honolulu on June 15th to the tune of 8'710 tickets sold. Well, Jeff Segawa was there, and turned in this detailed account:
I'm from Hawaii, and getting those tickets were a pain in the ass. I know there are those people that wish they lived in Hawaii, but in reality, Hawaii is one of the worst places to live in!!!!
The state is so poor, they can't even pay our teachers what they wanted when they striked. Sad part is that both the public school teachers and the University of Hawaii professors striked at the same time.
Also, everything is expensive here. A lot of people are moving to places like Vegas and Seattle, because everything is cheaper.
Anyways, back to those f**kin tickets. the lottery system will never work in this state, because the people here are so stupid, that some people camped out for two days, and they complained that they got a bad number. That was funny.
Blaisdell is so f**kin small, that you could sit on the farthest seat, and still see the ring. So that asshole Moffat decided to charge a $95 seat for about 2/3's of the arena, up to the loges.
And the whole time there was a ticket limit of 4 per person, but when I got there, apparently the rules changed, and the limit was 20 per person (limit of 4 tickets for the first 16 rows, and 16 for anywhere else). Apparently, we can't count either. I got $75 seats because them $95 were all gone I think the cheap $25 sold out first.
By the way, the State owns the Blaisdell, and told us that if we write checks, make it payable to the City and County of Honolulu. Why? That money will probably end up to fund something useless anyways. I think it would have been better just to make the checks payable to the guy in the ticket office. Well thanks for reading this feedback,
So, I guess I was right... they all live in CAVES!
You'd think such a hot tourist bed like our brother deep into the Pacific, Hawaii would be rolling in white trash moolah.... I blame Japan.... I hear Japan pretty much took them over. What does Japan know about luring tourism?
Either that, or America is still thinking that Hawaii is overrun with deadly, killer tarantulas... like the one on the Brady Bunch.
Or maybe we just prefer to stay AWAY from the lyrical stylings of Don Ho?? God knows it's what keeping ME away!!
WHERE WOMEN GO AND GET PLUNDERED
According to the song Down Under, at least. Looking for a little more insight on the WWF's Global Warning Australian jaunt? No? WELL, TOO BAD... DOUCHEBAG!!!!!
This is from the Melbourne Herald by way of Matthew Iustini... who says that he is gonna shlep 3000 kilos to the show. I know Australia's drug laws aren't as hard as America's... but bringing 3000 KILOS TO A WRESTLING SHOW??? HOW STONED COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO GET???
Oh... that's the metric kiloMETER? Ugh... CAN'T YOU HICKS USE MILES?? LIKE WE DO?? Jimmy Carter TRIED to get us stepping to the Metric system... and we rewarded him by electing Reagan. GOD BLESS REAGAN!!!! GOD BLESS THE 80'S!!! WHERE EVERYTHING MADE SENSE GODDAMMIT!!!
By the way, this is a one night visit to Australia... it's been 20 years since Vince sent the Dog & Pony show over there.
Just how big is the big, big wrasslin' Global Warning show which hits Colonial in August?
Bloody huge, according to the folk at Telstra and Ticketmaster. According to our information, the phone network bounced back 150,000 calls for tickets in the first hour.
That's right - 150,000 in 60 minutes.
Let's see, by our rough calculations, that's about 42 calls per second.......and they're just the calls that didn't get through.
All the primo seats, including the $750 (around US$325) diamond ringside tickets for the first 12 rows went pronto and the poor folk at Ticketmaster had to deal with many wrasslin' fans who missed out. They weren't happy.
Maybe next time they should just chuck all the tickets into a ring and let the fans fight amongst themselves".
Telstra, incidentally, is Australia's phone system.
Yes, they use the term bloody in their national publications. Goofballs.
I also have the offical WWE press release for this show... but decided you probably have had enough of this topic. Just, don't be surprised that Australia is so pumped for this... they had to deal with the f*cking WWA for Chrissakes!!
AUSTIN GLOWERS
Oh he's pissed all right. He showed up on the Byte This program and did something whacky... instead of following the tried & true WWE mandate of "Everything's fine, everything's great"... Ol' Stone Cold said stuff that might actually qualify as a SHOOT!!
After goofing on the net and how we "don't lie!", he admitted that he isn't happy:
"Bottom line is everything sucks. I'm not happy with the direction going for Stone Cold Steve Austin. I think it's piss poor."
The writing sucks. Everyone can be a hell of a lot more creative. Really, it's been like this since Wrestlemania.
He has no idea if the writing will change. He isn't leaving Texas and moving to Connecticut in order to breath down their necks and MAKE them work. He still loves his job, but apparently is running out of patience.
Austin also isn't too thrilled with the split. He feels that they could have separated two groups of workers WITHOUT making such a huge angle out of it. He feels that if they did it more on the DL, or more unofficially: "Why did there have to be a physical split and guys being split onto both shows? Now it's cut and dry, you get this or you get that. Guys coulda just done what they done." (Hey, I LOVE the split... I have been excited for BOTH shows ever since... BEST thing that the WWE has done! I'm serious.)
Austin likes Brock. Likes his look. His background. All he needs is to build a good character and personality. He needs charisma. Austin called him a real "blue chipper"... just that "Next Big Thing" name is "pretty damn lame."
Austin on "What": "I've never intended it to be what it was…I did it as a heel…I did it as a rib…It kind of changed the way my promos go. You can't argue with success" But, he did admit that it annoys him as much at it annoys YOU... Mr. Reader. (never really bothered me, personally)
He told a caller he wanted to wrestle the Rock, one more time.
Before he was injured for so long, when he was the unquestionable top guy in the WWF, CBS offered him a show based on "Jake Cage", his Nash Bridges character, but he decided to stay with wrestling. Then he got hurt, and was wondering if he even wanted to wrestle again. He talked to Vince, who told him that he wanted him to focus 100% on wrestling. He didn't come out and say as much.... but he sees the Rock's career and feels righteously F*CKED.
He says he's the one who introduced Lita to his neck Doctor. He says he could not believe how tough Lita is. (Bet they bumped uglies)
Kevin Kelly brought up HHH's "company line" comments about the "Plane Ride from Hell" ("just a few guys having too much fun"). So he asked for Austin's opinion, and got it: "Well I think it's a bunch of bullshit. You got guys up in the air acting like a bunch of jackasses; it was a private plane, it costed a lot of money. You don't act like that on a regular plane so you should definitely not be doing that on a chartered private plane. There ain't no excuse for it and the guys gotta be embarrassed of themselves"
In case you forgot, or missed this part, from what I heard, Austin slept through most of the plane ride way up front and sound asleep with Debra...
Now, to sum up... here's a guy who was SINGLE HANDEDLY lifting Raw past Nitro on Monday nights (with a little help from "Mr. McMahon" and "DX"). He was the most popular wrestler of the 90's... bar none. His career was also a success story rivaled only by Mick Foley when it comes to surprising the experts. And he did most of his best work while we were screaming "DIE, ROCKY DIE". He goes on the talk shows, gets an offer from CBS for a series based on a VERY entertaining character on a VERY horrible Don Johnson show. Plus, he gets one of the best damn Rolling Stone articles I have ever read.
So, he gets neck surgery. And goes away for the better part of a year.
Suddenly, everything's different. The cheers aren't as loud. Rocky has taken over. Austin does something nutty and turns Heel... and is one of the most entertaining Heels I've ever seen. He shows off a comedic side that shocked everyone.
In the end, he quietly turns face again... and amid the return of Flair, Hogan, Hall, and Nash... plus the hoopla surrounding Rocky's movie, he gets lost in the shuffle.
Of COURSE he's a bit pissed off.
BUT... in a big side note: The latest Torch Newsletter reports-from a "WWF Wrestler"- that Austin is "killing himself off, he won't let anyone get any heat on him. No matter what the circumstances, he always dominates the situation and never gives the impression that he's in jeopardy"
Ya know, you won't find a more paranoid bunch than professional wrestlers.
WHY IS MEAN GENE ON MY SCREEN (AGAIN)? AND HE AIN'T LEAN (STILL)
The WWF's new show, Confidential showed up with many reports... but the two that stood out were:
1) A heartbreaking look at the Davey Boy Smith Memorial
2) Shawn Michaels says that he is DEAD!! He's DEAD! We are talking to a GHOST!!! Gene Okerlund than threw his notepad at him and screamed, "GET AWAY FROM ME!!! HELKP, HELP!!! GHOST!!!!" Eventually, he hyperventilated himself out cold. Patterson gave mouth to mouth while Brisco pumped his chest.
Anyway, he wasn't REALLY dead... the whole HBK-Shawn Michaels character is dead. IF he ever went back to wrestling again, it would be as Michael Hickenbottom.
Hickenbottom 3:16: I just refused to job to your ass!!! It'll sell by the assload!
PUMPING HUNTER FOR INFO
As you might have heard, HHH has done an interview with Flex magazine. If you HAVE to, you can read it here.
Since it's a body building magazine, that's exactly what 3H talks about. How he gets that body and how YOU TOO can get one just like it.
Believe it or not... just lift weights and eat eat EAT... nothing else, oh no... NOTHING ELSE will help get that body. Just lifting and eating!! HHH recommends those powder protein drinks too. That’ll do the trick.
Ah, and right now, HHH feels that he has a good 5 years of holding kids back before he calls it quits.
EAT AND LIFT, DAMMIT!!! THAT'S ALL YOU NEED!!!! NEEDLES?? WHAT ARE THOSE??
By the way, one of the grosser side effects of taking steroids (STEROIDS??? WHAT ARE THOSE?? NOT IN HHH'S WORLD, PAL!! EAT AND LIFT!!!) is that upon straining, muscles can simply slide right off the bone, like a well cooked Ham Hock... much like what happened to Triple H... (COINCIDENCE!!! TOTAL COINCIDENCE!!! I JUST EAT AND LIFT!!!)
HYATTE GOES TO GRAMMAR SCHOOL
Hey Moron, Concerning your story on Missy Hyatt last week That should be, "That's one chick whoM you could do in the ass...". Got it, dummy?
Hope the ghost of Eddie Gilbert doesn't begin haunting you.
Piedmonte
Ah... eat me.
MITCHELL'S MASTER PLAN (OH BROTHER)
While Wade Keller and quite a few misguided souls think Bruce Mitchell is actually a brilliant mind, I respectfully offer evidence to the contrary.
I was reading his column in the latest Torch Newsletter (a gift from Flea... something ALL of you should do... get me gifts). In it, he went on and on about the usual stuff, what's wrong with the WWF and why. Not bad stuff... just typical reasons we've heard before no big deal.
Then he laid out a scenario... a scenario GUARENDAMNTEED to re-ignite the FIRE of the WWE... to re-LAUNCH the WWE BACK to the top of the ratings! FOOLPROOF, he says! A COMPLETELY FOOLPROOF PLAN!!
So, I'm sitting there, marking out like a mad-man.. "oh boy oh boy oh boy OH BOY!!! FINALLY, THE GREATEST MIND IN WRESTLING JOURNALISM WILL LEAD US ALL TO THE PROMISE LAND!!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN!! TELL US BRUCE!!! TELL US."
His idea? Hire Goldberg. Feature him on Smackdown, have him destroy EVERYONE (Rock, Brock, HHH, Hogan, Angle, you name it)... EVERYONE. They ALL FALL TO GOLDBERG.... give him the gold too.
Then, it's off to Wrestlemania against Austin. Austin wins.
That's the plan. Hire the biggest ego-maniac in the business, convince every star to hardly give him a moment of sweat, so he squashes everything...THEN talk him into jobbing to Austin. Yeah, okay. Nevermind the fact that in THAT VERY ISSUE OF THE TORCH, they ran a bit about Goldberg telling Fight Sport magazine that if ANYONE in pro wrestling thought they could beat him in a real fight, they would have found out "the hard way"... oh sure Bruce, your plan will help locker room moral SO MUCH. Idiot.
After reading that, I hereby announce that I am the UNDISPUTED best damn writer on the web, and offer this as proof (and those are only half of them). Pick either one, I don't care... they're all good.
What a let down... what a goofball. And someone tell Keller to update that picture of him... with those big ass eyeglasses and wannabe mullet hairstyle, he looks like he never quite left the 80's. It's still FEATHERED ON THE SIDES, PEOPLE!!! SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE!!!!
TOTAL NONSTOP PAY PER VIEWING
Also in that Newsletter, Keller allowed Jerry Jarrett to lay out the appeal of the new NWA and why it has a shot.
See, the deal with his company is that once it gets situated and steady, it can offer wrestlers a lifestyle. They only need to work for them 26 dates a year, as opposed to the 150-200 schedule that Vince has them on. Plus, Jarrett is letting his boys work Japan and Indy dates to supplement their income. The real bonus here is that wrestlers, especially if they live near the headquarters (in Atlanta) will have an unreal amount of time with their family. Almost like doing a REAL job, yet doing what they love.
Now, if a wrestler comes to Jarrett and says that he can go to Vince and make $500'000 a year on the downside. Well, if all goes well, Jarrett will be able to explain that with HIM, although he can't give a contracted guarantee, their top ten guys make about $800'000 a year, and don't spend their lives on the road.
The cool part is that if a wrestler INSISTS on going to WWE, then Jarrett will let him go with no bad blood. He knows he can't compete head to head with the McMahon empire, but he can definitely offer up a perked up alternative. He'd rather see them go, feeling good that they have a home if the WWE thing doesn't work, then making them stay and be unhappy.
Basically, if you want to work you ass off, and potentially make millions, go to the WWF. But if you just want to wrestle a more comfortable schedule, and make a comfortable living with the added bonus of being able to supplement your income with Indy and Japan dates, then the NWA is the place to be.
Here's the Catch-22 with this experiment. PPV companies like InDemand are looking for instant success... in fact, they know no other kind. Like a whore, they like a quick trip to a hotel, a quick pump, a nice, quick orgasm, leave the cash on the dresser and don't let yo' ho bag ass hit the door on your way out. Jarrett is banking on a marriage here... long term commitment.
In other words, the PPV guys are going to start re-thinking this as soon as they see no one has ordered the first show (and with the net spoiling the tapings, you can bet the goddam ranch that ain't no one's gonna buy the PRE-TAPED show either. Jarrett knows as well as anyone that a new company needs a lot of time to slowly build a company. Nothing, but NOTHING like this can happen overnight.
If this can last 6 months, it should last a year. If it lasts a year, then it has a fighting chance. I'm all for it. Good luck to them. And send me any press releases.
I AIN'T DRUNK OCCIFER
Last bit from the Torch Newsletter. Scott Hall is telling people that he was NOT fired from the WWF, instead, he QUIT. He QUIT because they over-booked his ass on the road, against his contract stipulations, and that the occasional beer bath Austin gave him made him sick due to that anti-abuse drug he was taking.
You know what... this is a damn shame. I love Hall. I love Nash. They're both MUCH better than any of you like to admit, and Hall could've really helped the company.
Hey, they re-hired Eddie. Who knows what the future will bring? Although my source in Orlando (okay, it's Flea, he never stops yacking) says Hall is a real terror on the road. He's a legendary drunk driver and most of the city is scared of him.
LET'S ALL GO TO THE MOVIES!!!
Let's take a break from rasslin' stuff for a few newsbites...
Well, I begged your asses. Pleaded with you to AVOID Affleck's Sum Of All Fears because it will mean he'll NEVER leave. Hell, I didn't even get into how the movie is just Hollywood trying to make a buck off our fears from 9/11 (Affleck could have STOPPED those damn terrorists!! If only Bush would have LISTENED!!!). Well, did it work?
My inside source says Sum Of All Fears made $30 million this weekend. Which is good... but compared to the last two blockbusters, kind of stinks. Even the Rock's opening box destroyed it. Of course, Affleck had a hell of a lot of competition... so it's a respectable sum, but I'm sure they wanted more.
Undercover Brother made 10 million.... which is really good for them seeing how it only costs a couple of mil to produce.
Speaking of Affleck, my same source (who you will meet NEXT week in something VERY SPECIAL that I have in store) has Ben Affleck's cell phone number. No, he didn't give it to me, but he DID relate the message you get if you reach his voice mail:
Hey this is Ben, I am either a)banging a chick and regretting it, b) filming or c) ignoring your call
And yes, he actually says "A", "B", and "C".
Cool? Ironic? Or trying waaaay too hard, you decide.
Shout out to ANDY RICHTER! If he's reading now. Big fan.
No, Richter isn't my source. He's just a huge wrestling fan who surfs just like you idiots, so if you have a column, chances are he's read you. Now don't you feel special?
A DRUNK GRUT ON AOLIM
5:00 am, Sunday morning. I'm busy writing when Josh Grut shows up, and he's drunk.
Hyatte, I love you. I'm drunk. If I were gay, I'd tap that ass.
Then, just before he bails:
You can be a fun guy when I'm not kissing your ass. I need sleep. It's cool to know you.
Now how can't you like this guy?
SCOTT KEITH IS A WRITER, DAMMIT
Later this week, Josh Grut has an interview with Scott Keith. I got a sneak peak. Not going to give anything away, but I want you to keep a few things in mind... to help the anticipation build:
1) 95% of the interview is about me. In fact, the interview could be called "Waiting for Gaudreau". This pisses Scott off to no end. At this point in his "career", he should be talking about MELTZER, not little old, irrelevant ME.
2) He immediately goes to the old Web Guy Standard and announces that he's never read me. Then proceeds to point out all my problems.
3) He also declares himself a WRESTLING FAN... no matter what I said last week in this column... the column he never read, of course. He never read me at all. Not even those "And Another Things" that outdrew everything on the Smarks. Losing readers all the while, as he points out.
4) Finally... he talked about how I seem to take no "joy in writing". Grut, to his credit, could have showed him up because he knows something about me that a small handful of folks also know... but are sworn to secrecy because I asked. Besides, I'm sure Keithy meant to say that he takes great "joy in EATING", and simply erred. (well, have you SEEN him? I like to call him "Triple cHins"... or "Mini-Lips".
Anyway, Grut will put it out on Thursday... have fun. Pick a side and go with it. Or sit on the fence like Scaia. Either way is fine by me. I'm a better writer than both of them, they know it. Keith's just pissed that I, quite accurately, pointed out he had to bash girls over the head with a bat before they'd put out for him. (The X-8 Mop-Up... go find it)
SPEAKING OF MONGOLOIDS
Someone showed me This site. It shows pictures of very ugly people... who may or may not be mongoloids, and ask YOU to rate, judge, and comment on them. I can think of one certain picture that simply BEGS to show up there... but it ain't my site.
Here's an example ... hah, he kind of looks like Bruce Mitchell... haw.
It'll kill a few minutes, maybe give you a laugh, and just maybe make you feel a little bit better about YOUR sad ass life... if you want to check it out.
MADDEN AMERICA
He's still around. He's still fat. And even though no self respecting wrestling show will ever go near him again, he still is being the HEEL.
There's a reason he never left the Pittsburgh Gazette. I mean, sure it's a FINE newspaper... but it's not New York. It's not Boston. Not Chicago. Not even L.A. It's a small market paper... and Madden fits right in.
See, the boob is STILL looking for heat. Since wrestling fans aren't bothering with him anymore, he decided to "Heel it up" at REAL sports fans. So, he went ahead and posted an irresponsible piece about how he doesn't care who takes steroids in baseball. Here is the Reader's Digest version:
Ted Williams might have been the greatest hitter in baseball history. If there were a way to get an extra advantage in the batter's box, Williams knew it. And utilized it.
If Williams played today, the odds are he would use steroids. Steroids provide an edge. Great players want any edge they can get.
So don't act as if Ken Caminiti's admission that he used steroids en route to the National League MVP in 1996 is this great revelation of moral failure. It's simply a matter of availability. Caminiti could get steroids. Williams, Cobb and Ruth couldn't.
But really, who cares?
Baseball does not test for steroids. Players who use steroids, therefore, are not breaking a rule. By not testing, baseball implicitly approves the use of steroids.
There is no way to truly solve baseball's steroid problem. In fact, I don't even consider it a problem. I don't care about the long-term health risks. I don't know these guys. I don't care if they live or die. Using steroids is their choice, and if they choose yes, and it provides me a more exciting athletic spectacle, great.
... baseball has gone through many different eras: The dead-ball era. The all-white era. The era of free agency. The era of over-expansion. Each of those eras has seen the game affect nuances which undoubtedly influenced statistics and records set during those respective periods.
Well, baseball is now in the steroid era. So maybe something besides the ball was juiced when Mark McGwire hit all his home runs. So what? Ruth never hit a home run off a black pitcher.
When baseball's steroid revelations continue, we shouldn't think any less of our heroes. So maybe Roger Maris would still be the single-season home-run king if not for illegal muscle-building supplements. So maybe Hank Aaron's career home-run record will someday be sacrificed at the altar of HGH. So maybe some purists see the use of performance-enhancing drugs as cheating.
If you're not cheating, you're not trying.
When athletes are pushed to succeed by any means necessary, don't be surprised -- or angry -- when they use any means necessary.
I bet next column, he'll read the hate mail. He's so desperate. Stunts like that are best utilized by idiot web writers, like me, who do this for FREE--not so-called "professionals". Someone tell Madden that his need for attention... his need to be HATED (and thus; LOVED) is showing a bit TOO much.
I once banged his Momma so hard, she gave me the FISH EYE!!! Yup, was doing her Doggy Style, then rammed my finger right up her poop chute... her head whipped around and I got the old FISH EYE!! Ya know what, Mark? SHE LOVED IT!!! SHE COULDN'T GET ENOUGH!!!!!
CORNHOLING OKLAHOMA
Which, ironically, was the original title to Raising Arizona... shocking.
Meltzer and his ilk are carrying on about a big confrontation between Ed Fererra and Jim Cornette. Cornie holds a grudge and was just WAITING for the day to get in Fererra's face about making fun of Jim Ross and his Bell's Palsey a few years back. Well, he FINALLY got his chance.
At Bert Prentice's USA Wrestling show in Nashville, Ferrara went to shake Cornette's hand, and Cornette started telling him off. Cornette hocked a big fat loog in Ed's face and screamed, "THAT'S FOR JR!!"
Now really... put Cornette on the writing team. Him on Raw and Heyman on Smackdown should be MORE than enough to make you kids happy. Cornette knows wrestling better than anyone. With that Gerwitz guy to add the comedy and "entertainment" bits with Cornette's hard wrestling knowledge... it should work quite nicely.
BUT... I wanted to make sure you all take something into account... Stephanie McMahon may be responsible for everything wrong with the company.... but I doubt it. This woman has been in the business since BIRTH... she knows more about the business then YOU, ME, MELTZER, KELLER, RYDER, MITCHELL, POWELL, SCHERER, MR. TITO, ALVAREZ, AND ESPECIALLY SCOTT KEITH... when it comes to the business, YOU are HER bitch. You and NO ONE you know could POSSIBLY do a better job in the role. So GET REAL. Get a CLUE and SMARTEN UP.
On a side note, at the 1bob site, Dory Funk Jr is HOPPIN' MAD! Seems that Ed Ferrera did a Net/Radio show and piddled on these old timers working matches. The quiote that burned Dory's craw:
I don’t want to see Dory and Harley go out there and work a
legends match, it'll put me to sleep"
Well, naturtally... DFJr had the proverbial cow... eith that or it's all a work. In his column, he retorts:
When I see Ed Ferrrrrarrrrrraaaaaaa at the NWA/TNA Pay Per View in Huntsville, Alabama
I will stick my foot so far up his fat ass that I will have to hop around on one leg. We will see
if that will put him to sleep.
I am in Huntsville to give my services to Jarrett Promotions. However there is nothing I would
like better than an opportunity to step into the ring with Ed Ferrrrrarrrrrraaaaaaa. He has been
there before selling himself as a wrestler for WCW wrestling a girl.
C'mon Ed Ferrrrrarrrrrraaaaaaa step in the ring with a man.
Dory Funk Jr.
When asked how he felt about Ferrera's mocking of JR's disease, Funk said, "Well hell, that Ross is about as stuffy as a horny bull anyway. Boy's got a goddam dung beetle jammed up his jumbo-hole. 'Sides, it ain't like he was using his smile anyways!' So clearly, Funk just has personal issues with Ferrera.
SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN
Not sure if you noticed...
Chandra Levy's disappearance last year was the latest scandal to affect our esteemed elected officials, as it was learned that Ms. Levy was having an affair with a married Congressman. Recently, her body was located and it now appears she may have been, as suspected, murdered, possibly for political reasons
Scott Levy, better know as the WWE's Raven, is, according to some, having his career "murdered" as he attempts balance his love for wrestling with his employers feeling that he is better suited for "hosting" or "announcing" duties. Many blame the WWE's lack of "pushing" Raven on "political reasons", as "backstage politics" seem to dictate, according to some, the wrestlers that rise to the top and those who remain wallowing in mid - to - lower card mire.
Someone who was not content to "wallow in the mire" was Jim Morrison, lead singer of the legendary 60's band "The Doors" as he so eloquently sang in the timeless classic "Light My Fire", which also included the line "girl we couldn't get much higher", thought by many at the time to be a veiled drug reference.
While that is possible, it is a commonly known fact that Jim Morrison was NOT a heavy drug user (like many of his peers) but instead used whisky and his form of escape...
Another troubled superstar that turns to the bottle as a way to deal with life's troubles is Scott Hall, who drunken exploits have cost him several jobs and the respect of many of his peers. To many people's chagrin, he remains a marketable presence and a hot commodity on the wrestling "free agent" market. However, according to trusted sources, Hall is no longer a free agent, but has once again been hired (despite his troubled history), proving that there is a place for someone who has name value despite their faults or behavior
The company that hired Scott Hall was the upstart promotion NWA-TNA, whose PPV / company debut is just a few short weeks away. It's owners, Jeff and Jerry Jarrett, are assisted in there duties by one of their "partners" who will, without a doubt, provide the Internet Wrestling Community with an honest and unbiased opinion.
Flea would like you to know that he had his entire internet career planned since 1995... he would also like you to know that Alan Jackson doesn't impress him. In fact, only Hyatte seems to impress him.
Flea also smokes Camels unfiltered... nonstop... one after the other. He also speaks like he is straining to pinch a loaf. He refuses to acknowledge any sort of connection between the two.
It seems that Fred Durst (who posts on his site regularly), made an open plea to former Limp guitarist Wes Boreland to come back. Well, Wes responded that he might think about it... ONLY if enough fans tell him to. He'll decide on the e-mails.
Well, he said that 75% of the e-mails told him to tell Freddy to go F**k himself. So, in not so many words, he did.
Well, Freddy, who based his career on songs about hatred, violence, and anger... and who used to challenge that guy from umm... that guy.... "My Sacrifice"... them.. I forgot the band. CREED... that's right... CREED! to a fight. Well, Fred decided to post this... begging the question, who lobotomized this bitch?
And if this bores you... then just read to see all his lazy spelling and grammatical errors. I just KNOW he can spell... he's just trying to relate to the kids, yo.
happy happy joy joy
well hello again. happy memorial day to all of you. i hope its been a zaney and safe one for ya. im glad that you people read my news recently about mr borland. hes recieved your emails and has responded negatively, but thats no reason to give up. he replied by saying that 75% of all his emails were telling him to never be with limp bizkit. im glad some of you feel that way, but we dont and we're not fair weather friends. we love wes and have done so through our good and bad times. life is too short for some, and unpredictable for everyone!! all that we have and all whom we know now, which would be you, is from what we have done with our family, limp bizkit. the fact that we are all different is what makes our chemistry so good. we learn from each others mistakes. we dont need justification for reasons. we're very happy to be alive and would be happier sharing our lives with our family. our core family. if we felt any differently than this, thats when you could, should be cautious, but you can know in your hearts that we are here for you no matter what. that wont change. we wont turn on you. we will get through the trials of life with one another as it should be. and that you can count on. actions tell all. as for mr borland, he is very bitter at the moment and feels glad that you support his decision and so he should. we support him too, but we know why we're all here and we want to exstend open arms that will remain open forever. we want to grow and reinvent for ourselves and we will always WANT to do it with our real family. im sure some of you will understand. a lot of you will and alot of you wont give a shit, but thats the world as we know it. maybe today is different. just maybe. thanks for taking a minute.
friend 4 life,
fred durst
This guy banged Carmen Electra... f*ck me.
Speaking of Carmen...
WHO'S THE ROBOT, NOW?
Ever see that show she does? The Robot thingy on Comedy Central? Ever watch HER? She can't read lines. She has no inflection. She hardly looks alive. She sleeps through her segments as if trying to get out of this nightmare dream "I shouldn't be here, I should be as big as J-LO!!"
Carmen Electra... a perfect example of a groupie who thinks she has talent. She should stick to starf**king and let girls with a little talent do this stuff.
BARKING DOGS DON'T LIE... OR SOMETHING
If you're like me, you have no idea who Heath Santos is.
In fact, you're so clueless that you didn't notice that I called him "Santos" instead of his real name, "Santo".
To top it off, if you're like me, you for DAMN sure didn't know he had a recent interview with Rick Steiner, and POSTED it.. I stumbled upon it quite by accident.
So, here's what ol' Dog Face Stiff Guy had to say... abbreviated, of course:
Santo: You and Scott had developed quite a legacy for the tag team before even coming to the WWF. Did you find that Vince McMahon pushed his own creations harder than the characters born elsewhere? Almost a favoritism of sorts?
Steiner: Yeah, I believe Vince... If you weren't part of his idea, then I don't think he used you as well as he... Because if it was something he came up with, if it didn't work well, then he looked bad. But if you came in there, you already had something established, and he tried to work with it, he could always say, "Well, I gave you the opportunity, but it just didn't work out.
Santo: Why did you and Scott decide to leave and jump to the WWF to begin with?
Steiner: At the time, Bill Watts was in charge and we'd gone through probably, I don't know, four or five bosses. My brother and Bill Watts did not get along, did not see eye to eye, and then when it came time for contract renegotiations, Bill called me up and told me they would negotiate a deal with me, but not with my brother. So at that time, we decided we'd stick together and go up to WWF, so we did.
Santo: Were you satisfied with how the WWF used the Steiner Brothers?
Steiner: Well, I can always look back and wonder what we could've done or what we could've did better, this and that...but the timing I think was bad when we went up there, when Vince was going through all the drug stuff, half his employees taking minors across borders, he was being indicted by the grand jury for all the drug use, and everything going on in the WWF. They had some doctor there on call testing the guys periodically. So I just think it was bad timing, it was a bad time to be up there, and business was kind of down then. My brother and I, we did alright, I just don't think (Vince's) full attention was on wrestling at that time and the business kind of suffered up there during that time.
Santo: There were so many firsts from WCW's creative team. Hulk Hogan turning heel after all those years to launch the nWo faction, for example, and you and Scott splitting up for singles careers. Do you see the breakup of the Steiner Brothers as one of the angles done for cheap shock value, or was it time for it to happen?
Steiner: Well, we'd been together for a while and we were running out of teams to wrestle. I think the team we were wrestling at the time was Harlem Heat, we had wrestled them probably 20 times, and that was getting old. (There) wasn't a lot of established teams coming along that they could bring in and hire, so I talked to a few of the guys, talked to Eric, talked to Sting and a few other people, and we just decided it was time to see what could happen singularly with our careers. We'd pretty much done everything with a tag. I don't know if it was hotshot or not. It worked, my brother did well with it, and I guess it just diversified us a little bit. (Recently), I went to Japan and wrestled a tag again over there for that 30th anniversary. We were received well, and things went well over there. Over the years, I still think people remember us as the tag, the Steiner Brothers, versus the singular thing.
Santo: Were you backstage at the final Nitro in Panama City Beach?
Steiner: Yeah.
Santo: What was the atmosphere like back there?
Steiner: For the veterans, the guys that had been up there, been around Shane, and been up to WWF before, it was like, "Yeah, the same old bullshit. Here comes Shane, gonna give his speech." We'd already been through it before, so his "giving you the opportunity to do something in the WWF," everybody knew that speech didn't fly anymore. The young guys, of course, the guys who hadn't been up there yet, they were pretty optimistic. They were (doing) the usual sucking up, kissing ass, hellos, goodbyes...you know, all that shit going on. There's, I think, four or five of us that didn't even work that were supposed to, so we just ended up getting in a car and headed home. Some of us were still under contract, so that day wasn't the end of all ends, so we knew we had a little bit of time left. We had all been counting on Eric to come through with his deal, and then when it didn't and then McMahon stepped in and took it over, we knew it was over, because now he's monopolized the business. Either work for him or you don't, you get paid what he wants you paid or forget about it. So it was pretty bad.
Santo: What ended up happening to your WCW contract when the company was bought?
Steiner: There were probably eight or nine of us that had contracts, and Vince didn't pick none of that up. He just, for some ridiculous price, bought library and movie... The TV shows and some other stuff. The rest of us on contract, we were just left to sit there and let time elapse. Some of the marks -- Flair, Booker, and Dallas Page -- they decided to take 50 or 60 cents on the dollar, give it up, and then re-sign another deal with Vince. Those were your options.
Santo: How much time did you have on your deal?
Steiner: They were bought in April and I had until January.
Santo: Is there any interest from WWE, or vice versa?
Steiner: They wanted everybody. They wanted everybody to come across, and they wanted everybody to make the transition when their deal was up. Half of us had already been there, so we knew what the deal was. We all had some pretty sweet deals from WCW, and we knew those deals were never going to happen again. It was pretty much an eye-opener. They individually contacted everybody, but never pursued it after the deal was up.
Santo: Do you have any interest to go back?
Steiner: Hopefully I can maintain this Japan thing. The days, and just the whole business right now is just at a down. I think Vince's TV is (at) its lowest ever, and the product he has on there right now, I just... You know, you never say never, you've got to do what you've got to do, but I've been up there once and I think I'm at that age where Vince... He wants the 20-year-olds, not the mid-30-year-old guys anymore. I'm one of those guys that (has) already ingrained in my head what he's about, and (I've) already been up there, so I know what he's about. He likes to be a big influence on them young guys. So I don't know, I don't think he has any interest in me, really.
That's the meat of it. I skipped out a good road story and some WCW stuff... I know you folks like to hear someone OTHER than a writer (you know, someone IN THE BIZ) rip on Vince... so there ya' go. I gave you the addy, if you want to check out the whole deal.
BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY...
I found this little closer from waaay back during the height of my reign at Scoops:
Closer time. Roughly 68 weeks ago, I ran a little thing where I asked you to tell me who in professional wrestling lit them up...who partook of the cancer weed....who sucked from the nectar of the nicotine....
Who smokes in Wrestling?
I got a great response.....the following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboro’s....
Rocky Maivia, Lex Luger, El Gigante, Jason: The World's Sexiest man, Andre the Giant, Paul Wight,Yokozuna ,Rick Rude (although he probably quit by now, Nick Patrick, Tommy Rich, One of the Hebners...the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series, One of the white Dudleys, Superstar Bill Graham, Jim Duggan (in High school at least), Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels (at least when he's drunk), Steve Regal ,James Vandenberg , Gene Okerlund, Philip Lafon, Kane, and Randy Savage
...and the two guys who elicited the MOST response...which tells me that they are BIG TIME chain smokers.. John Kronus and Jim Ross.
Here are some guys who have been seen chewing tobacco...now I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade now..so I consider these guys my brothers in spit: Terry Funk, Steve Austin, Rick Steiner, Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes, Rick Rude(again, chances are that he gave it up by now) and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time.... TAZ
Okay, since this was a while ago, I have a couple of additions and one big subtraction:
The Rock does NOT smoke.
Stephanie does.
Kurt Angle chews tobacco.
Of course. the Undertaker does too. It's a safe bet a LOT of guys dip... so spotting them should be easy.
Umm, Tammy Sytch and Chris Candido are crack whores.
Annnd... well, there's Jake Roberts.
Oh, and Scott Hall.. I hear he has some problems
If ANY of you have EVER spotted a wrestler, (who are supposed to be ROLE MODELS!!!!!!!!!!) light up a butt and influence the 11 year olds by breathing deeply....let me know. Smoking is a FILTHY, DISGUSTING HABIT!!!!! So maybe by telling ME who you saw puffing away, you’ll be helping THEM!!!!!!!
Double points if you saw them sparking doobage.....because if they did it in front of you, or anyone else...they deserve to be outed.
So, come on America...come on World....who’s risking your life by making you suck the secondhand smoke? Who’s callously making you part of their addiction? WHO HAD EXHALED AND HELPED TO POISON A HELPLESS BABY BEING STROLLED NEARBY??? MY GOD PEOPLE!!!! THINK OF THE BABIES!!!!!!! THEY ARE KILLING THE BABIES!!!!!!
Who’s smoking? I know you know.....time to dish
BUT, PLUGS
Lots of writers tried to come up with their own names for this section... but let's face it... nothing beats MY title! BWAHAHAHA
Well, whattawe got?
Josh Grut does what he does best, more than likely inspired by ME--of course.. and brings out part one of another fantastic piece of fiction. This is a sequel to another work. It's called continues to answer YOUR questions... WITHOUT the air of snootiness that Scaia always projected (Scaia even around anymore?) It’s Mr. Rodrigues Helped 2
Tom Daniels gives a whole weekend last chance investigative snoop through the week in wrestling in a column ironically called The Week in Wrestling. I wanted him to call it "Dumpy Ass and the Showgirls", but he never listens.
Either this is the Velocity recap, or this isEither this is the Confidential recap or this is. One was written by PK, the other by Pat Brower. Roll the dice sister... because if you miss it, then you get something verrry, verry special instead! Boo-ya.
Meanwhile, Jim Vanderhort ponders the Death of Hardcore. While he's doing that, I'm pondering "Who the hell is Jim Vanderhort?"
Finally, someone from the Smarks decided to make a post! He calls himself the "Great Wesuke and spends much of the column offering suggestions to finishing moves for Jesus... if Jesus ever decided to become a wrestler. Umm... I saw a column once... a great column... finest ever... that delved into that scenario a long time ago. Ah well.
We are ALMOST done... almost
TIME TO FESS UP
Yes, I admit it. I once typed out a long schedule. A schedule that would keep me busy for a FULL year!!
But I had a plan. The Pacific Northwest would be where I started. There was Bobby Jagger to deal with. He was the top Babyface. Plus, the "Mexican Jumping Bean" Ricky Santana. He would be there too.
Spent a few months there. Worked my schedule. I liked the DDT as the finisher, but I could sell the Figure Four like no other.
Won every title too. Surprisingly, I never jobbed either. I just walked out. That's the beauty about territories those days... you could just abandon one and get swept up y another.
Florida was next.... the Haiti Kid thought he was hot stuff. I took care of HIM too. Jesse Barr? Please! The Missing Link? He bashed me on the head so many times... but I managed to overcome him. Luger went down. I took down the big bad Lex Luger... back when people were impressed by him.
Of course, Florida is a place known for it's ups and downs. I came in during the down time, where no one was there. Windham was in the WWF. Dusty was at the Mid-Atlantic. The Haiti Kid and the Graham boys... Father and Son... THOSE were my rivals.
I was nice. I jobbed to Haiti Kid in a best of 5 falls steel cage melee. Broke a lamp too.
Then I went to Texas. Gave the Von Erich's more trouble then they knew what to do with. Gary Hart managed me. I won every single's title, every tag title, and even the 6 man title.
Even got a title match with Ric Flair, during those times he actually toured with his belt to all the territories... actually practiced for it... did little "TV Promos" for it. Bon Jovi's Wanted: Dead or Alive was the music I used over my greatest moments. I specifically worked on reacting to Flair's famous flip over the corner, landing on his feet, and running to the other corner for a bodypress. I didn't tag him as he ran, I focuses on taking his press and reversing it into a pin. Prick tossed me over the top ropes and got DQed. We shook hands afterwards.
After 4 months, I lost them all at the David Von Erich Memorial Parade of Champions event. That was my biggest mistake.... being such a realist, I HAD to have the damn matches (all 5.... 5 title defenses) outside. F**king neighbor and his Father watched me do it. Within three days, it was all over high school.... ever tried getting girls when you were just busted wrestling PILLOWS??? It ain't easy, by God.
Is my tail over? Oh no... IT'S JUST STARTING!! Next time, I go to Georgia, with a stop in Japan, and a special match in Missouri against Bob Backlund.
I KNOW you have a pillow tale or two... tell me about it. Since I'm the only one with BALLS, I promise anonymity.
Of course, there AIN'T GONNA be a next time... because now I have to say goodbye...
ALL GOOD THINGS...
Alas... it's been fun, but. It's time for me to say goodbye. For real and for the last time.
Okay, I’ve stalled on this long enough. It’s time to get this over with.....since it’s the last time I do this, it’s going to be lengthy....steel yourselves.
Sometimes.....I don’t know.....I guess sometimes you just get tired. A sort of tired that 14 hours of straight sleep on a cloud can’t overcome. It’s when you’re bones get weary down to the marrow. Not just with the physical aspect of the job, but the mental, spiritual, and emotional aspects as well.
It’s a chore trying to entertain a crowd of people....to “get over” as it were. Especially when you try to introduce a new, often controversial way of going about your job. Your boss, helpful as he can be, also becomes afraid of what you are doing...afraid that while it may appeal to a certain number of people, will eventually bottom out in the end and hurt the company rather than help it grow. He tries to work with you, allowing you to work your best, but eventually feeling the need to change your attitude....to EDIT you into a more suitable employee for the direction of the company. You can bitch about it, argue, beg, plead, and throw tantrums....but in the long run...you realize that you are simply a cog in the machine...and you either work with the others or you get replaced.
At which point, you have to ask...is it worth it anymore? Is it worth the arguing? Is it sacrificing your dignity and your values for someone who couldn’t do what you do if his life depended on it, yet seems to think that HE has all the answers and HE should be the one who puts you on a creative leash? You have to ask if you can live under a “gimmick” that is NOT yours? But rather the creation of another person? The answer, of courses NO...you can’t. So you shake the man’s hand...wish him luck...and go find your fortune somewhere else. No harm, no foul. You try to be professional.....trying not to “shoot” all over the place during your last go round...and just finish things up with a simple goodbye and thank you.
Of course, since your boss decides when and where you can say goodbye....he could be thank you for the effort you put into his company by allowing you to say goodbye on his forum....or he could keep you off “camera” as it were and edit you down until there are no signs of your name ANYWHERE in the company...as if you never existed. Fortunately, there are OTHER avenues that you can go...and OTHER people who will say goodbye for you...or who will at LEAST help give you a proper send off. I.... I...
(sniff)....sorry, I’m getting a little choked up here....it’s very hard to say goodbye to someone who gave you so much......
So it didn’t work out...it was a good try. We’ve had a good run and I was supplied with PLENTY of material because of it. It also helped cheer me up during depressing times....a feat that I’m sure many of you can appreciate. But time tells the tale and now....I must say goodbye.
Dan Severn and the WWF couldn’t find that one vision to unite upon and reach that kind of magic that would make Severn somebody to love with the fans. In the beginning, Severn seemed to be death on two legs, a man on the prowl looking to inflict his special dragon attack on anyone Cornette wanted. He was a hitman in a suit and tie, careful to adjust said tie in the middle of his attack. A real cool cat who’s body language indicated that he was a good ol’ fashioned lover boy who wanted action this day and could give you a sheer heart attack with a mere flick of the wrist and send you headlong into the lap of the Gods. Were he a fag, he would certainly be a Killer Queen.....were he a deity, he would certainly be Jesus, were he a farm animal..he would certainly be Mad the Swine. Were he a vessel, he would certainly be Kashoogi’s Ship...but I digress.
But then Severn went on his own, each match being an ogre battle that proved that he was not lazing on a Sunday afternoon with the love of my (or his) life during his days off. He worked hard, trying to play the game and make sure that another one bites the dust each time out. He definitely tried to fight from the inside, calling up all his power to perform each and every night. In a company where everyone is stone cold crazy, he never seemed under pressure and never succumbed to jealousy. Instead, his motto was let me entertain you and proceed to tear it up as his opponents fought and fought, but couldn’t help but wait for Severn’s hammer to fall. We all may be all God’s people, but in the ring with Severn, we were a bunch of fat bottomed girls looking to get an ass whuppin’.
Alas, t’was not meant to be. The WWF wanted him to go one way, and Dan wanted to breakthru on his own. So they parted ways. So Dan, ride the wild wind on your own! Your matches were a Bohemian Rhapsody all to themselves, but in the cutthroat world of the WWF..it was not a fine blend. Dan, when you were in the ring, a nation banded with you, looked your opponent straight in the I and said “we WILL rock you!!!” And when you won, we would ALL stand proud and scream, “We ARE the champions!!”...my friend! You gave us one year of love...and we gave YOU....well...we tried not to ALL go to the bathroom at the same time....but some of us did drowse....sorry, but you WERE quite a bore.
Hell, if it wasn’t for that friggin’ mustache, I’d have ignored you completely. God..he sure DID look like Freddie Mercury didn’t he?
See ya Big guy.....would it have killed ya to use a chair at least ONCE??? Jesus!
And that’s it for me....I’m out of here
Who did YOU think I was saying goodbye to? You didn’t think I was leaving did you?
Admit it...towards the end, I had you going didn’t I....heh heh heh
You can all munch my fajita
AND that.. was the BONUS Classic Closer for the week! Back at Scoops, Mop-Up # 61... I FOOLED YOU ALL THEN AND I FOOLED YOU ALL NOW!!!! LOOOOOOOSERS
And for you new kids out there, Severn spent time in the WWF (and he SUCKED), and I couldn't get over the fact that he looked like Freddy Mercury on steroids. (Or, Freddy looked like Dan with AIDS... and on crack... and if Severn was a fudge packer... or all of the above). Longtime fans will remember this with love... it was a hugely popular gag... miles better than some idiot cracking himself up by screaming, "GOAR, GOAR, GOAR".
That felt good.
Eric S shows up and carries your tired ol' asses for the week. Grut wraps up on Thursday, and Ashish cleans up on the weekend.
Well, I got a lot done. Boy.
How many times does Mike Tyson have to blow it before you understand that he isn't the man he once was? He hasn't been the same since Buster Douglas spanked him.
