The World According To Ron 9.18.02
Posted by Ron Gamble on 09.18.2002
Bischoff goes to Smackdown, Steph goes to Raw, and I borrow something from Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc.
As you might expect, most of my mail from last week's babbling was about my thoughts on the United States changing since September 11, 2001. Surprisingly, most of you not only understood what I was saying, you agreed. Two of you took great offense at my saying we have not changed as a nation, but both of them are from the New York area, including one who saw the World Trade Center fall personally, not watching it on tv like the rest of us. To you two, I say that the New York area may have changed, but only because you were personally affected.
One person asked if I really believed what I wrote, or if I just wrote those things to get a rise out of people. I have never written something I didn't believe, unless it is an obvious joke, I announce it is a joke, or I compliment a certain Smackdown writer. In other words, yes, I really think that way, and will continue until proven wrong.
Then, there's this. I shared it with Eric Szulczewski, right after he took my statements and went even further (and, might I say, he even got more credit for allowing others to, as Chris Hyatte put it, "end the day with a cold splash of ice water to the face." Eric read this reply, and allowed me to borrow "You're a Moron" for this one week. This comes to me from HardcoreGuy88@cs.com:
"Why dont you just leave??? If you feel so guilty about being an American, and think that somehow we provoked the attacks on 9/11, then please, just get the f*** out, we dont need you or want you here.......Leave this nation to be enjoyed by the real Americans, without whiny, self-hating little b****es like you to annoy us with your inane, cliched "blame America first" rantings....God, people like you make me sick, I would love to drive my knee
into your f***ing face."
Patriotism, to me, has not been a "America - Love It or Leave It!" deal since I got out of eighth grade. Patriotism, since I was a freshman in high school, has been about loving your country, but also recognizing where we can get better as a people and society, then doing something about it. If your idea of "making this country better" includes getting rid of all the "whiny, self-hating little b****es" who disagree with you, then this is no longer a democracy, a republic, or whatever type of government we're supposed to have right now. It becomes a dictatorship, much like a certain country in the Middle East we're supposed to be hating and preparing to invade right now.
As far as driving your knee into my face, my name is Ron Gamble, and I live in Conneaut, OH. I have not hidden my identity, or where I live. Unless your parents named you "HardcoreGuy," you are still an anonymous twit who apparently thinks you can earn your self-given nickname by making hollow threats over the internet, then pretending like you would gladly folow up on those threats, if only you had a way to follow up. Continue to let that liquid courage that you bought with your fake ID build you up, and brag to all your pimply-faced friends how you told me off good. You want me to leave? Make me, you obscene little waste of sperm.
Whew! I don't have any venom left for Brendan Johnston, so he gets a pass this week.
Further opinions, of the wrestling variety this time.
Remember a couple years ago, when the people at WW decided they were going to extend their brand by going into music, movies, and television? The movie wing is building up, and the music wing is apparently shrinking, but the television wing is focusing mainly on that oxymoron, "reality television." However, I've been told that very soon, they will debut their first sitcom on UPN. I even managed to finagle an early script from one of the stagehands, and I hope you like it. It looks funny, at least.
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LIFE WITH HUNTER
starring
HUNTER HEARST-HELMSLEY
SCENE I
(scene opens with Peggy (mother) and Grace (daughter) sitting on the couch. Grace looks worried, but Peggy has a loving smile on her face)
G: Mom, I don't know what to do. Jimmy won't ask me to the big dance, and I really want to go with him.
P: Have you tried asking him, Sunshine?
G: Isn't he supposed to ask me? He's the boy, after all.
P: Now, Sunshine, this isn't the 1950's. The girl can ask the boy to go to a dance.
(enter Hunter, with Big Gold Belt over left shoulder and bottle of water in right hand)
H: What is wrong with you two?
(Peggy and Grace both turn to camera with a shocked look on their faces)
P, G: It's Triple H! We're saved!
H: Grace, why are you worried about whether or not Jimmy's going to ask you to the dance? Have you shown him you're interested?
G: I thought I did, when I asked him to carry my books...
H: (in Grace's face) SCREW THAT! If you want him to ask you to the dance, you've got to find him in the hall, grab his ass, turn him around, then jam your tongue down his throat!
P: Why, I never thought of that!
H: Then, if Jimmy's too stupid to get the hint, find the next guy and do the same thing to him. Just work your way down the hall. Once you get the reputation as an easy lay, you'll have guys asking you out all the time.
G: (looking confused) Mom? Is this true?
P: (nodding) It's how your father and I hooked up.
G: Wow! If you're so sure, I'll do it tomorrow.
H: (smiles and punches her playfully on the shoulder) That's the spirit, Sunshine!
(all three laugh)
SCENE II
(Mike (father) is in the garage with son Donny. They are changing the oil in the family's Honda Odyssey)
M: Hand me the pliers there, Sport.
D: (looking confused) Which ones are the pliers, Dad?
(enter Hunter, with Big Gold Belt over left shoulder and bottle of water in right hand)
H: Right here, Donny. (hands pliers to Donny)
D: Gee, thanks, Hunter!
M: (looking out from under car) Is that Hunter's voice I hear?
H: Yup, Mike, it's me. Although I have to ask, why are you using pliers for this job? Where's your ratchet set?
M: (pointing to workbench) It's over there, but I can never find the right socket, so I've found it's easier to just use pliers.
H: (walking to workbench) Oh, Mike, you ass! I see your problem now. Your sockets are all conventional measurements. You need a set of metric sockets.
M: (shocked) Metric? But this isn't Canada, Hunter!
H: I know it's not Canada, but many vehicles today are built in other countries, or at least for other countries. That's why all vehicle manufacturers use metric measurements for their parts.
M: Well, I never thought about that, Hunter. It looks like I need to take a trip to my local hardware store to buy some new tools.
H: If I were you, Mike, I'd go to Sears. It's the only place where you can buy Craftsman tools.
D: Hey, Hunter, can you help me with my curveball?
H: Sure, Sport. Let's see how you grip it right now.
(Donny holds the ball up for Hunter to examine)
H: I see the problem right here. You need to move this finger (moves finger) ... here. Now, try it.
(Donny throws a perfect curveball that breaks two feet)
D: WOW! Thanks, Hunter!
H: (ruffles Donny's hair) Sure thing.
SCENE III
(youngest daughter Andrea is playing with her baby doll in her room)
A: (giving baby doll a bottle) Here you are, baby. (checks diaper) Oops! I need to change your diaper.
(Hunter, with Big Gold Belt over left shoulder and bottle of water in right hand, blinks into room, Jeannie-style)
H: Hey there, kiddo. What are you doing?
A: I'm changing my baby's diaper.
H: Did you remember to powder your baby's bottom?
A: Oh, geez! I forgot!
H: That's okay, honey. Here, let me help you. (Hunter grabs diaper, gives it a gentle flip to open it up, and helps Andrea change her baby's diaper)
H: That's a good job. Now, are you ready to put her to bed?
A: Yep!
H: Okay. (Hunter blinks his eyes, and the blanket on the doll's crib folds down)
A: Thanks, Hunter! You're the greatest! (squeezes Hunter's leg)
H: No problem, cutie pie.
SCENE IV
(Peggy is in the kitchen, preparing a roast in the kitchen)
P: Let's see, turn the oven to 425 degrees, then I'll peel the carrots and mash the potatoes.
(enter Hunter, with Big Gold Belt over left shoulder and bottle of water in right hand)
H: Don't forget to put lots of water on the meat, so it's doesn't become too dry. (Hunter takes a drink from his bottle, then spits it all over the roast)
P: Oh, Hunter! You're such a help! I don't know what I would ever... (Peggy's voice trails off)
H: What's wrong, Peggy?
P: I don't know if I can tell you.
H: Peggy, you know you can tell me anything.
P: Well, Hunter, it's just that... well, Mike hasn't, um, been interested in me in a physical way lately.
H: Peggy, Peggy, Peggy. Have you been wearing the flannel nightie again?
(Peggy looks at the floor and nods)
H: How many times have I told you? A man wants a woman who cooks like a master chef and screams like a banshee in the bedroom. When you wear that flannel nightie, it doesn't say, "Take me, you brute!" It says, "Granny's coming to bed now." Throw the flannels away, go to Victoria's Secret, and get something with leather and lace.
P: Victoria's Secret? Why, I could never go in there.
H: Tell you what. (Hunter puts roast in oven and sets timer) I'll go with you, and I'll help you pick out the perfect "Ravish Me" teddy, then some four-inch pumps to go along with them.
P: (throws apron down on kitchen table) Okay, you've talked me into it. Let's go!
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There is more, including one scene where Hunter motivates Mike to go ask his boss for a raise and helps Donny put on a jock strap for the first time, but that's enough to give you a taste of the show.
What's that I hear you saying? "That's ridiculous!" "No way anyone would watch this show!" "Who would believe Hunter as a motivational know-it-all?"
Apparently, the same people who brought us Triple H, motivational speaker for Ric Flair; Triple H, paramedic for Spike Dudley; and Triple H, head cheerleader for Chris Jericho.
I personally can't wait for the scene next season, when Hunter helps Andrea through her first period, myself.
I am not panicking yet about the Steelers. After all, they have fourteen games left, including two each with Baltimore and Cincinnati, two of the three worst teams in the league (helloooooooooooooooo, Detroit!), as well as games against Houston, Carolina (the worst 2-0 team in history), and Jacksonville. The only team left on their schedule with a winning record last year is Tampa Bay, and the Steelers are in the weakest division in the league. Winning the division will not be a problem.
However, there are other problems. They looked absolutely pathetic against the two toughest opponents this year. They gave up 403 yards passing to someone who is older than me (and that's saying something). They showed the defense from last year did not come to the team this year, despite losing just one player, and no one can tell me that Earl Holmes made this much of a difference.
I'm not panicking yet, but if they come back next week and play the same way against the Browns, I guess I'll have to look forward to hockey season already.
Eric Bischoff said he was not going to be responsible for dull, boring, repetitive programming. Keeping that in mind, what should be the first thing cut from Raw?
I know you're too smart to stop with the obvious answers. Give me something fresh, or I'll have to call three minutes on you.
