Hey there and welcome back to yet ANOTHER edition of America's Column, The 411Mania News-Center! I'm still Jay Bower, and for another week I'll be your tour guide through whatever attractions are lurking within these dangerous waters this week.
I must admit, I am feeling very, very hung over as I write this afternoon. Am I saying this to be a braggart? To herald my bustling social life? To endorse heavy drinking and abandonment of responsibility? To a certain extent yes, but for the most part I just wanted to share one more of my miserable self-destructions with the ladies.
To properly set up the scenario, I must inform you that The Thomas. L. Sandals Building is home to the school of nursing right here at Florida State University. I should also tell you that they were rolling the dice for cover last night at our watering hole of choice. Roll a two, pay two dollars to get in. Roll a five, pay five dollars. A six-- a golden, coveted six --means no cover AND free drinks on the house all night. Ken shot a five, resulting in the highest cover possible. I approached the podium and threw me a six. I shared the wealth with Ken and before long, we were pretty lit.
Jay and Ken step outside on the patio. In front of them, rain placidly falls from the dark Florida sky. The breeze sweeps across the wooden deck with our eyes, surveying the scene around us. Adultery Anderson licks his chops as he spots a pair of buxom young lassies sipping drinks almost as weak as the fake ID's buried deep within their handbags. Much to the amazement of the wrestling loving twins, the lovely creatures begin walking towards them. Ken immediately gravitates to the blonde, obviously so he wonn't be reminded of the long, flowing dark hair of his girlfriend while tongue-kissing the stranger. A recently diagnosed brunettaholic, Jay soon began exchanging sweet nothings with a stranger of his own. We now join their conversation one minute in progress:
Jay: So you're a nursing major? Most of your classes must be in Bellamy right?
Stranger: Actually, I haven't been to a single class not in Sandals in two years!
Jay: Wow, your feet must get cold in the winter.
(The stranger pauses and then shoots Jay the weirdest glare that he has ever seen before grabbing her friend by the arm and leaving the patio area as quickly as possible. Jay and Ken chuckle and slap a high five before heading back inside for another round of Long Island's.)
You win some and you lose some, but when it comes down to it amusing yourself is far more important in this life than some giggly girl who you will probably never see again anyway. While it didn't work out for me, you might want to email old Adultery Anderson and ask him just how his night ended. Fidelity Ken, LOOK IT UP.
Another week gone by, another valuable life lesson from The Bower. I hope you're writing these down my children.
Well, I think that we have..."Hey Jay! Are you a donkey handler?" interrupts Smart Petey.
Damnit Pete, I'm trying to write a column. NO, I'm not a donkey handler. Anywa....
"Could have fooled me Jay. You're sure DRAGGING ASS getting to the sweet wrestling news!".
Alright, alright. I must apologize as this update won't be quite as long as usual, but I have two finals tomorrow that I'm sure you would LOVE me to do well on ...off we go!
Bower's Bits:
Q: What happens when professionals and investors from all walks of life attempt to receive financial reports and forecasts from an industry where the wealthy aren't permitted to sit in first class because it rubs the judge of wrestler-court the wrong way?
A: A whole lot of confusion.
On Friday the 13th, 2003, World Wrestling Entertainment held their quarterly conference call, an event that is usually highlighted by Linda McMahon blaming the latest world tragedy on sagging ratings and attendance and proclaiming that World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. is indeed on the verge of a very profitable turnaround.
Out of the conference call, we learned that WWE is in negotiations to buy several tape libraries. While Linda wouldn't reveal what the libraries were just yet, with Triple H and Stephanie McMahon's wedding upcoming, one has to think that Vince McMahon might just have noticed that Triple H. registered for wedding gifts at R.F. Video. Get them while you can, because soon every Ric Flair match ever captured on film and "The Best of the Indian Deathlock Vol.1" will be OFF the market courtesy of Mr. McMahon himself. "Welcome to the family Paul!".
According to 1Wrestling.com, "the HHH/Goldberg match, originally scheduled for Bad Blood, and now expected to take place at Summerslam, is still being advertised on cable stations this weekend. The reasoning WWE officials gave for postponing the match was that they did not feel as though Goldberg was over enough." It certainly is a good thing that WWE has Kevin Nash as a headlining babyface to fall back on though.
According to Bryan Alvarez of the figure four weekly, The Dudley Boyz are in the World Wrestling Entertainment doghouse which explains why they have been doing jobs as of late. The Dudleyz have been earning a reputation for hurting their opponents lately.
It is almost certain that Tough Enough IV will indeed happen according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Taping is scheduled to begin soon and major format changes are said to have been made. The decision has yet to be made in regards to which cable network will air the program with MTV still being somewhat interested in the series and SpikeTV eager to pick up the show as well to add to its male-oriented lineup. One thing is for certain though, two kids will once again raise their new WWE contracts over their heads and never be heard from again!
Billy Kidman has recently been spending time in Ohio Valley Wrestling regaining his timing in preparation for a return to the Smackdown cruiserweight division. While the former cruiserweight champion has been spending time with Jim Cornette, he has also made time for drastic change: Kidman got a haircut. That's right, short, normal hair now resides where his beautiful flowing follicles once resided. It is a dark day for wrestling.
In other cruiserweight news, the tentative plan for the division seems to be building Rey Mysterio up for a huge title defense against the Ultimo Dragon at SummerSlam that could be one of the most heavily promoted Smackdown! matches on the card. (The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter)
Speaking of Smackdown, Jeremy Borash was backstage at Smackdown! last week visiting former friends from WCW. According to the Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, Borash was the cause of many giggles as most on the roster felt as though he was carrying himself as though he was some sort of a big shot.
Speaking of making wrestlers giggle, Kevin Nash was said to be the subject of some minor laughter backstage two weeks ago. When cutting a promo on the live Raw, Nash said that he couldn't wait to get Triple H inside the Hell in the Cell in two weeks at Bad Blood. Unfortunately for Big Sexy, Bad Blood was actually three weeks ago. Several wrestlers reportedly found this humorous considering the fact that Kevin Nash had been given so little to do lately that he could at least make certain to get his time correct for the two lines that he did have. (Credit: The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter)
Credit: Two GREAT newsletters that are worth their weight in gold. Subscribe, they will become the highlight of your week. The Wrestling Observer Newsletter (WrestlingObserver.com), The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter (PwTorch.com)
Bill Goldberg Falling out of Grace with WWE:
Three months after debuting for World Wrestling Entertainment, Bill Goldberg can only be described as a disappointment by most, including those who matter most...the McMahon family. Goldberg hasn't done anything to increase ratings, buyrates or business in general since coming in to the company, and according to most the success of the business comes second to his paycheck.
In an extremely short amount of time, Goldberg has already managed to find himself in the middle of yet another pull-apart brawl and has rubbed most within the company the wrong way according to sources. Goldberg further ruffled feathers when asked to travel overseas for the Insurrextion pay-per-view, complaining of injury, saying that he would only do it if he had to and just being generally negative. According to Dave Meltzer of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, World Wrestling Entertainment reportedly told him thanks for nothing and came up with other plans at the last minute, changing the main event five time before one was finally settled on..
Things became very heated the following night on Raw when Bill Goldberg was scheduled to face Rosey in the opening bought. The original script called for Chris Jericho to hit the ring and work over Goldberg's legitimately injured hand. Goldberg would then see a doctor backstage who would advise he head to the hospital immediately. Later in the show, Goldberg would return to the show to be interviewed by Teri, with Jericho punking him out yet again to lead in to Bad Blood. When Bill arrived at the arena, he refused to take part in the angle, feeling as though it was completely harmful to his character. This resulted in heated negotiations involving Vince McMahon himself who is said to be becoming more down on the former WCW icon by the day.
Goldberg's deal with World Wrestling Entertainment is rumored to be for 1.5 million dollars with a maximum dates per month of six, meaning that Goldberg got his way for the most part during negotiations. With four to five Raw tapings per month and one pay-per-view every other month, this means that Goldberg is only contractually obligated to appear on one to two house shows per month, a move that is horrible for business, especially when considering World Wrestling Entertainment is beginning a huge campaign to bring prestige back to their house show tours. Making over $20,000 per appearance, almost no one in the company thinks that Goldberg was worth bringing in in hindsight.
(BAD BLOOD SPOILER IN THIS PARAGRAPH, READ AT OWN RISK) Problems continued to escalade when discussions of the match finish for Goldberg's match at Bad Blood began. Chris Jericho --who has become a cult hero backstage for confronting the "outsider", locking him in an inescapable chokehold and basically having his way with the bigger newcomer -- has been scheduled to do the job all along, leading to Goldberg's World Title shot at SummerSlam which he was slated to win up until recently However, Jericho wanted to kick out of the first spear like The Rock did and then be pinned by the second and a jackhammer. When met with this suggestion, Goldberg reportedly informed Jericho that he wasn't the Rock and wouldn't be kicking out of the spear. With so little respect for wrestling, one would have to wonder why Goldberg would even care about such a thing, but he resisted the idea. The outcome of the match still remains very much in question leading in to the big event.
So who exactly is to blame for Goldberg's failure? Goldberg himself for not respecting the sport of wrestling? The writing staff for lack of quality storyline ideas for the monster? The Rock for being entirely too cool and likeable in his promos leading up to Backlash, resulting in Goldberg being de-elevated immediately due to his pairing with the most over man in modern wrestling history? Honestly, I would say that it is a combination of the three along with the proven fact that former WCW main eventers --no matter how popular they were --simply can't just waltz into WWE, long time enemy territory and possessor of higher quality talent, and expect to be on the same level as the companies current stars. It didn't work for Kevin Nash, DDP, Booker T (at first), Scott Steiner, Kronik, Hugh Morris or Buff Bagwell and the results were all too similar: Huge pops for their debuts and a slow, agonizing death that could be seen beginning mere weeks later.
Personally, I don't think that it is too late to turn things around for Bill Goldberg. He has barely been seen on WWE television since his arrival and really hasn't been hung out to dry like Scott Steiner was when Triple H took his Flair pills and thought he could carry Steiner to a 25 minute pay-per-view main event that wouldn't be booed out of the building. The Rock played total babyface in his feud with Goldberg and as much as I like the People's Champion, he really can't keep upstaging every face that he feuds with or else he will end up no better than The Undertaker and That Slippery Levesque. World Wrestling Entertainment just needs to start doing what WCW did for once. Keep him off of the microphone at all costs. Change back his music, give him his normal tights back and just feed him local Indy talent and low card fodder for two months leading in to SummerSlam. It's not rocket science and if done properly, it should draw just fine.
Credit: Wrestling Observer Newsletter
Triple H on Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Judging from the lack of reports posted anywhere on Triple H's recent appearance on ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, one can only assume that either no one watched or no one cared. While either case may have some truth behind it, I did watch as I do almost every night that I am home. Kimmel is hilarious, young, unpredictable and just a hell of a lot fresher than Jay Leno and Kevin Eubanks cackling like banshees at clean, cookie-cutter jokes that every other "entertainer" is making. Apparently people like the shit according to the ratings, but I'll stick with David Letterman or Jimmy Kimmel any day of the week. And stick with Jimmy Kimmel I did last Wednesday evening when Triple H was set to appear on the show.
While originally scheduled to be the first guest of the show, Triple H was BUMPED by a four year old wrestling fan who ended up being the opening guest. I nudged Ken and claimed that I'd hate to see the booking sheets on Monday when That Slippery Levesque came looking to get his heat back. The four year old made his way to the stage and Jimmy welcomed him, asking him who his favorite wrestlers were. "Bill Goldberg...and Kevin Nash" said the four year old, proving which segment of their demographic WWE is catering to most heavily these days. Wearing a replica WCW belt, the child soon began smack-talking Kimmel, challenging him to a contest right then and there. Kimmel accepted and the child proceeded to do an elbow drop and and then a SENTON BOMB off the couch on to the host. He seemed like a pretty obnoxious little kid honestly, but it only got worse.
After the commercial break, Jimmy Kimmel welcomed Triple H to the show to a mild though enthusiastic reaction from the studio audience. Triple H, who appeared to be wearing a shirt made entirely out of felt, walked out to the stage and waved to the crowd. As he arrived, Triple H stood awkwardly for forty-five seconds or so as the four old was unaware that he was supposed to get out of the interview chair and move over to the couch. Finally Jimmy had to ask the kid to move and as Triple H sat down, the kid began shooting on him, telling him that he would beat him with his own move. Triple H, who looked completely out of his element, kind of laughed the kid off before the kid began punching Triple H. It was cute at first, but for the rest of the segment the little brat continued to stiff Triple H making one wonder just how dreadful is upbringing probably is. At one point Jimmy Kimmel asked the kid if he would ever become a rulebreaker and become Triple H's apprentice. At this point, Triple H turned to the child and said "Luke, I am your father...Come to the darkside" while the crowd sat in awkward silence. It really just was a mess of a segment and for once I actually somewhat felt bad for Triple H who was sent out to the middle of a zoo and expected to put on a good interview.
Verdict: Though not quite as bad as Goldberg's appearance on the show, not nearly as good as Steve Austin, The Rock or Chris Jericho's appearances.
A Plug, A Plug, My Kingcone for a Plug:
What happens when PK has a member's only party at his castle and the Sangria starts flowing like water? Why, the entire staff of 411Mania ends up piss drunk wearing armor and sitting around the roundtable talking about Bad Blood. Lucky for you a typist was on hand and she managed to capture it all in html format so that you wouldn't feel quite so bad about not being invited. That's Bad Blood...A little bit of blood, and a whole lot of bad.
RantWars - Week.5 has hit the main page and wow is that host ever charming. Five great columns from five great authors, Eric S. doing what he does best and things moving one step closer to a brand new columnist here at the Mania. Check it out now Willie.
Matthew "Fool I'll eat breakfast cereal just not those Corn" Poffel is back From the Outside of the Book, and it's a good thing because it would probably be pretty hard to type up a grappling column from the inside of it! PAPERCUT CITY! It's a good read, I think you would agree.
Rhett Walker is back in the house at 411Music with another edition of All Things Rock touching on just about every subject known to man. Check him out, he's always a quality column.
You seriously aren't going to find more Bad Blood previews ANYWHERE than at The Wrestling Oratory with four entire columns devoted to previewing the huge event. Go now Bernard.
When speaking about internet wrestling columnists, two categories exist. A)Denny Burkholder, and B)Everyone Else. While the internet is littered with armchair bookers and insider posers, Denny has done it all. From running the now defunct CBS Wrestleline to spending time backstage at ECW to writing for nationally distributed wrestling magazines to interviewing the late, great Lou Thesz , Denny has done it all on top of putting out "Circa", one of the best series of columns ever written and being a darn nice guy. Now, after a yearlong hiatus, Denny is back with a tribute to Freddie Blassie. Check it out, you'll be glad you did.
The Burgan & Bower joint column. It's coming, be afraid, be very afraid.
And finally, your 411Mania News-Center Plug of the Week!
Now I KNOW there are a good number of you out there who enjoy Extreme Warfare Revenge. I know that those of you who do would love a site to hang out, learn about updates, discuss the game and do whatever else that falls within the boundaries of decency. Well, I've managed to screw this poor guys plug up for three weeks now, so do me a favor and check out EWADDITIONS.COM, that’s Ewadditions.com.
Obscure Wrestling Reference:
Recently when scouring the Internet for some fresh pornography to bring me one step closer to blindness, I discovered something alarming over at Tommys-Bookmarks.com. When perusing the new links index, I noticed that a link to provocative photos of Stephanie McMahon had been added alongside Kitana Baker, Kyla Cole, Amber Michaels and my other favorite adult film stars. Anxiously I emailed the Torch...THREE times over a period of the next hour. However, the same people who eagerly report a cemetery full of tombstones as a reference to the Undertaker ignored my breaking news. So, I have taken it upon myself to spread this story myself, and I'm sure YOU, the much less square 411Mania readers are appreciative.
I don't want you to think that I endorse Tommys-Bookmarks however. Don't get me wrong, it's a great site, but personally I would recommend the aptly named GimmePorn.net and the lesbian section of RichardsRealm.com for all of your wand stroking needs. YA HEARD ME.
Well there you have it, another edition of the 411Mania News-Center in the books. Once again, I apologize that it was a bit shorter than normal, but I am sweating my finals big time and will likely be toting my books to the sports bar with me for Bad Blood tonight. I hope you guys had a great weekend and as always, thanks for reading, thanks for the feedback and thanks for spending your afternoon with this bastion of internet wrestling excellence. Until next time, take it easy guys.
Jay Bower || Internet Wrestling Celebrity®
TheSmarks (RIP) - 411Mania - TheOratory
_____
Hey there, I'm Jay Bower and once again, I'm here this Tuesday afternoon to let you know what YOU thought about Raw. Resistance, it's futile.
Last week, World Wrestling Entertainment produced the kind of Raw that made me regain faith in the brand, albeit temporarily. Would this edition of Raw prove last week to be a fluke, or would it solidify Raw as a brand moving in the right direction? Will Christian's hilarious dance and overall jaw-dropping performance be enough to make the show a 10 on it's own? Will I be able to make it through an entire Victoria match without bringing myself one step closer to blindness? Find out with me, straight ahead.
Raw is coming at us straight from the Dirty South, one of the greatest cities on earth and one of my favorite rug-cuttin' destinations. Though Miami unfortunately plays host to the Hurricanes, my Florida State Seminoles were ousted from the College World Series tonight by the Texas Longhorns so we'll just direct all of our hate towards them this evening.
Regardless, the show kicks off in a big way with Goldberg making his way to the ring, still wearing nWo colors. Memo to Bill: WCW is closed! GUFFAW!!! His opponent, Rosey of 3MW. Why are they called Three Minute Warning? Because when they come on the screen, fans know they can channel surf for a full three minutes before the out-of-breath Samoans either die or job cleanly. BAMN! Your typical Goldberg squash which I suppose...
