411’s Countdown To WrestleMania 29: The Storytelling Report Card For WrestleMania 29

As a writer, I gravitate to excellent storytelling and character development. From Breaking Bad to Shameless to Dexter, I like stories of all kinds, as long as they compel me as a viewer. Good stories are why I tune in week after week to my favorite shows. It’s why I’ve been hooked on WWE programming since I was 12 years old.

WrestleMania season is the peak of storytelling in professional wrestling. As fans, it’s supposed to be the most enticing, intriguing, and, most importantly, exciting time of the year in the “sport” that unites us. It is when the hottest angle in the WWE builds to an inevitable must-see clash between opposing forces whose paths have intertwined for months, but have yet to lock up. It’s when scores are settled once and for all. It’s where the bad guy gets his comeuppance, where the hungry new guy gets his first chance to break-out, and where the battle for championship gold has never meant more. It truly is where those once in a lifetime moments are generated.

Sound familiar? Only vaguely? Well that’s the problem. In recent years, the WrestleMania season hasn’t really been all that special. In years past, WWE’s absolute best stories graced our screens for the Road to WrestleMania. I’m talking about the explosion of The Mega Powers “Macho Man” Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania V. It’s Stone Cold Steve Austin selling his soul to Vince McMahon – his most hated rival of all time – to best The Rock at WrestleMania X-Seven. It’s the unstoppable Ultimate Warrior tearing the torch from Hulk Hogan’s hands (and the WWF Championship with it). It’s Eddie Guerrero embracing his best friend Chris Benoit, both world champions. WrestleMania is where Ric Flair, Edge, and Shawn Michaels make their last hurrahs, while six crazy kids steal the show with a triangle ladder match for the WWF Tag Team Championship.

But these breathtaking moments, matches, and stories have become sparser and rarer in the current era. We’re not seeing big new stars lock up in a meaningful way that makes the fans care. Instead, we’re getting retreads that fans aren’t really champing at the bit to see (Rock vs. Cena II, Lesnar vs. Triple H II), underwhelming World Championship matches (Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger, and the WWE Championship is an afterthought for Rock/Cena), and even more underwhelming undercard matches that don’t belong anywhere near the “WrestleMania” name (Tons of Funk vs. Rhodes Scholars & The Bellas, and The Miz vs. Wade Barrett – due to poor build).

So what’s the problem here? I don’t really know the definitive answer, but it definitely has something to do with WWE’s hesitance to follow through with plans and/or their tendency to book themselves into a corner. When they announced that The Rock would challenge for the WWE Championship at the Royal Rumble PPV, I don’t think they expected that CM Punk’s heel run would be such interesting television to many. So close to WrestleMania, I wanted the longest reigning WWE Champion of the modern era to make it to the Showcase of the Immortals before getting dethroned. But that idea couldn’t come to fruition despite its necessity on account of story momentum because the WWE has been catering to part-time wrestlers. The Rock, Brock Lesnar, The Undertaker, and Triple H, between them, have had four matches total from last WrestleMania to now (since two of those matches were HHH/Taker and HHH/Brock, I’m not counting them twice). Yet these are the guys we are building WrestleMania 29 around. The Undertaker I understand – WrestleMania is his show. That’s when the Phenom comes out to play. But Brock Lesnar has been wasted in the year he’s been here, and has been antagonizing Triple H for almost eight months now. So without further ado, I’d like to present my analysis and grades for the stories we’ve been given this year. I will then give WrestleMania 29 a final “GPA,” calculated as follows:

A=4.0
B=3.0
C=2.0
D=1.0
F=0.0
+/- to grades will add or subtract 0.33 from the match’s grade point average. There is no A+ or F-.

Some matches are also worth more “hours” and affect the overall GPA more heavily than others.

Worth 3 hours:
The Rock vs. John Cena
CM Punk vs. The Undertaker
Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H
Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger

Worth 2 hours:
Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston
The Miz vs. Wade Barrett
The Shield vs. Sheamus, Randy Orton, & The Big Show

Worth 1 hour:
Ryback vs. Mark Henry
Fandango vs. Chris Jericho
Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs. Team Rhodes Scholars & The Bellas

A match with the kind of build that Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar has had should have the fans in a frenzy. But instead, we’re getting lackluster reactions except for when Lesnar gets busted open the hard way, because Vince wants to keep Lesnar and Rock off the same episodes of Raw. IT’S WRESTLEFREAKINGMANIA! Go all out! We as fans have been cheated out of what honestly could have been an awesome angle because the WWE is playing it safe with their build to their biggest show of the year. I marked out like crazy when Brock Lesnar returned to the WWE last year, and now it’s his first WrestleMania back and I largely don’t care. That’s on the WWE’s creative department. I even like Triple H, but I don’t buy for one second that he’s going to lose. And if he actually does lose, I don’t buy for one second that he’s staying retired forever. That’s the inherent flaw in this match. The story has been weak and not compelling because for the most part, it’s just been Triple H and Paul Heyman chatting. The match itself, I’ll admit, has the potential to be amazing, but I was pretty let down with their SummerSlam battle, so I’m not holding my breath here. All this, and I’d say I’m probably the least cynical member of the IWC – as long as a decent story is told to me, I don’t care if it’s done the way I would have done it. But when I don’t care about one of the main events of WrestleMania, I’m going to get negative.

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar Story Rating: C-

When I don’t care about TWO of the main events of WrestleMania, I’m going to get really negative. Jack Swagger vs. Alberto Del Rio is our WrestleMania World Heavyweight Championship match? Swagger’s character was threatening and intimidating and all these good things when he returned in February with Zeb Colter, but then he screwed up and didn’t get punished. If the white-hot Jeff Hardy can be suspended from WrestleMania 24, what makes Jack Swagger any different? I know, he was announced already as the World Heavyweight Champion, but a D.U.I. is a D.U.I., and WWE needs some consistency. Run an injury angle, claim that Ziggler’s using the vacancy to cash in his Money in the Bank, and build that story – they’ve already proven that they can have a great match together. But we have Swagger vs. Del Rio regardless, that’s fine. What really bugs me is the angle surrounding it. They’re going with race, that’s alright with me, but the way they’re going about it is so goofy that I’m scratching my head as to how we’re supposed to take it seriously. I have not missed a match or segment of WWE programming since 2009. I’ve seen every Raw, SmackDown, NXT, ECW, Superstars, Main Event, and Saturday Morning Slam on top of all the Pay-Per-Views, and I skip through the Del Rio/Ricardo mock segments of Swagger and Colter because they are horrible missteps in what could be a very intense angle.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger Story Rating: D+

My last true complaint about the top matches of the show is that we’re getting Rock vs. Cena II instead of the angle that DESERVES a big stage blow-off in Punk vs. Cena. They are perfect rivals for one another, and have given us so many great matches, but I’ve not felt like they’ve been given that feud-ending encounter that they deserve. I was really hoping Cena/Punk would have happened at Hell in a Cell last October, but that wasn’t anybody’s fault that we didn’t get to see that. The build-up to the match we’re getting has actually been pretty good though. The Q&A solidified it for me because those two went out there and cut some excellent promos that had heart behind them. Despite the foregone conclusion that John Cena is going to win, this actual feels like it means something. The match…we’ll see how that turns out, but the story has been good.

The Rock vs. John Cena Story Rating: A-

I wonder how CM Punk vs. The Undertaker would have been built if Paul Bearer hadn’t passed away. It really has been the perfect way to take an unfortunate real-life event and blend it into the story in a meaningful way. Punk has been getting heel heat in the “cheap” way according to most, but I happen to agree that it’s what Bearer would have wanted, and within the industry, it’s a huge honor. I don’t think it’s negatively exploitative. Now to the match itself, the psychology going in is supposedly going to be Punk trying to get Undertaker disqualified, and I’m intrigued with how that will factor into the finish. It’s a foregone conclusion that The Streak will survive this year’s WrestleMania, but watching CM Punk try to piss off the Deadman week in and week out has personally been the most entertaining story so far this year.

CM Punk vs. Undertaker Story Rating: A

The six man tag on the card has the thrown-together tag team of Randy Orton, Sheamus, & unlikely ally The Big Show taking on The Shield. This match has the potential to be great (as all Shield matches have been so far), and the story has been a little repetitive, but very well-executed. Aside from the two rematches on the card (HHH/Brock and Rock/Cena), this match has the longest backstory. The Shield came in and started attacking Superstars to help CM Punk at the Survivor Series PPV. Very quickly, though, they started attacking whoever they pleased, including Ryback, Team Hell No, Sheamus, Randy Orton, and The Big Show. The have dominated at every turn, and we need three of WWE’s top stars to put a stop to them. Their opposition is going to truly need to band together to get the job done, and the story of unwilling partners joining forces to take out a common enemy is a tried-and-true classic in professional wrestling. I don’t think The Shield are going to win this match, and I don’t think they need to win this match…but I’d certainly like it so that their reign of dominance continues. I would like some variety once WrestleMania comes and goes and start seeing these guys chase tag team and secondary championship gold, and have singles matches (still representing the faction) on Raw. I’ve been drawn in to the story they’re telling here, and it’s one of the reasons I’ll be watching the show live instead of on DVD. Should be a hell of a match.

Randy Orton, Sheamus, & The Big Show vs. The Shield Story Rating: A-

AJ is crazy and has been the center of so many on-screen romances this year, it makes Tony Acero think he actually has a shot with her. What she brings to the table though, is being the common piece of the puzzle that makes Team Hell No vs. Ziggy & Big E. a fun story. While at first it seemed like we were going to see the champs break up and face one another at the big dance, we found a way to unify the odd couple. Dolph Ziggler has been spouting his mouth off since he entered the WWE and knows how to get anyone to hate him, so by giving Kane & Daniel Bryan a common enemy, they’ve unified and grown stronger than ever. I’m interested in how they’re utilizing the AJ vs. Kaitlyn feud here too, so overall, I don’t see much wrong with the story. And of course, we won’t see Big E.’s WWE in-ring debut until this match happens, and that adds some intrigue for me (even though I’ve already seen him on NXT).

Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston Story Rating: B

I don’t dislike The Miz like most do, but I also don’t like Wade Barrett like most do. I’m kind of in the middle on them both, and I feel like the fact that I’ve not been sucked into their program strengthens those feelings in me. Miz failed to capture one secondary championship from the man who is criminally absent from this card, Antonio Cesaro, so now at WrestleMania he gets a shot at the other one? I know that’s not the story, but there isn’t really a clear-cut story here other than the fact that both men needed a WrestleMania opponent. They’re doing the stereotypical build to the actual match by sitting in on commentary during each other’s matches, but I don’t feel much depth to their story at all. I think the match could be decent to good, though.

Wade Barrett vs. The Miz Story Rating: D

Having seen all of that programming, I’m very familiar with the bottom of WWE’s roster. So I’m actually glad Johnny Curtis is getting a chance to finally run with something on WWE television, even if he’s a ballroom dancer named Fandango. This match could actually be one of the better ones on the card since it has Chris Jericho involved. I’m curious to see what they can do on the big stage, and it’s a huge opportunity for Fandango, and despite the stupid gimmick, I think it has legs and can evolve (most people thought Dolph Ziggler started out one-dimensional, but he’s a damned good character in the present landscape, so I’m not going to rush to judgment with Curtis). The story behind this has been really simple and definitely doesn’t feel like a WrestleMania feud, but the match itself has a chance to be. It boils down to this: the newcomer heel feels disrespected by a babyface veteran and has had the importance of his grandiose debut demeaned, so he wants to prove himself not just to Jericho, but the world. It’s simple, it’s effective, but it hasn’t received the attention that a WrestleMania match should. Therefore, despite looking forward to the match itself, the story grade is just average. It’d be an automatic A+ if the story was Jericho’s jealousy of the gaudiness of Fandango’s ring attire though.

Jericho vs. Fandango Story Rating: C

Perhaps the least fortunate “top level” Superstar that WWE has on its roster right now is Ryback. He received a monster push, got booked into a corner, and lost all steam. I’m not saying he was a guy that I thought should be the face of the company, but he had so much momentum, that I thought we’d be seeing Ryback dethrone The Big Show (as opposed to Del Rio) via Shellshock at WrestleMania. Instead, he’s pitted against Mark Henry which is an interesting story because there have been very few words spoken. It’s all about showing who’s the strongest, and I think it’s actually been working. Sure, the match won’t be great (and from recent house show reports, it’s awful), but I’m actually intrigued to see if Ryback can hit his move on Mark Henry (I think maybe he can with the help of the turnbuckles, but we’ll just have to see.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry Story Rating: B-

Rhodes and Sandow deserve better. This match’s conception makes a little bit of sense (the sophistication of Rhodes Scholars versus the dancing foolishness of Tons of Funk, and the Bellas insulting the Funkadactyls), but this match doesn’t excite me, compel me, or even interest me, and it won’t be good. This shouldn’t be on a WrestleMania card if Antonio Cesaro can’t even get a match.

Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars & The Bellas Story Rating: F

Out of 21 hours, WrestleMania 29’s final storytelling GPA is 2.476, which comes out to a C+. It’s not the best and it’s not the worst, but I feel that this year had so much potential that wasn’t realized. Sunday will show us whether or not the matches can live up to the WrestleMania name, but for now, WrestleMania 29 looks about average.

Thanks for reading my thoughts on WrestleMania this year, and happy April Fool’s Day! To celebrate, watch my TV show/web series Shenanigans – it’s about a prank show, so: relevant. If you like that, you can check out the spin-off Love Makers about a dating show in the same world.