411’s Countdown To WrestleMania 29: Looking at All of John Cena’s Wrestlemania Matches

• Welcome to the Ring Crew Reviews Retrospective of John Cena’s Wrestlemania career. I always like trying something new for one of the original big 4 events. A few years ago in the days leading up to the Royal Rumble, I reviewed every one starting in 1997 to lead up to the 2011 one. In 2011, I ranked my top 34 favorite Summerslam matches in preparation for that event and reviewed the eleven Survivor Series from 2000-2010 to get in the spirit as well. This year, for Wrestlemania, I wanted to take a look back chronologically at The Rock and John Cena’s respective Wrestlemania careers. John Cena began his WM run in 2004 at Wrestlemania XX opening the show against The Big Show winning the US title. He ended JBL’s Honky Tonk run at immortality, he made Batista, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels tap at Mania, but lately he’s been the Wrestlemania goat losing to Miz and Rock in consecutive years. Here’s a look back.

• WWE United States Championship: John Cena vs. Big Show (c). Wrestlemania XX. Cena gets the stick and wants to know if NYC is here to represent. HUGE Cena chant early. He spits some rhymes and then calls Show a “penis with an STD” and a “hippo from the Macy’s Parade,” among other things. Cole plays up how dominant Show has been since RR. Cena plays up the size disadvantage but then tells Show he can’t see him. Show overpowers to boos. Cena uses some quickness to duck behind but Show shrugs it off and shitcans him out. Cena blocks a turnbuckle shot and Stun Guns Show. He heads up top for a crossbody but Show catches him for a World’s Strongest Slam. Cover gets 2. Show goes to the CLUBBINGBLOWS as the crowd takes over with LETSGOCENA chants. Cena runs off into a big clothesline for Show to cut him off. BIGSHOWSUXBIGSHOWSUXBIGSHOWSUX. Show with another slam and more choking which Taz calls “not a good way to spend Wrestlemania evening.” Show with a suplex for 2. Show follows up with his patented typewriter headbutt and frying pan chop – TM Michael Cole, all rights reserved. Cena with a head of steam but runs off into a CRESCENT KICK! Show hits the strange Final Cut, leg drop Sling Blade for 2. LETSGOCENA says everyone. Cena slides down his back and goes for the Sleeper. Show runs him back into the corner to counter. Show hits a short arm clothesline and locks in a Cobra Clutch. SHADES OF SERGEANT SLAUGHTER! Cena tries a few shots but Show no sells and reapplies the hold. Cena fights back with CLUBBINGBLOWS and haymakers. Cena gets the boot up in the corner and clips the knee with a dropkick. Cena hits the FU for 1, 2, 2.999. Show kicks out and the crowd can’t believe it. Show is out of ideas so he goes for the MasterLock chain and the fans concur. The ref talks some sense into him so Cena tosses down the chain and in the distraction, gets the brass knucks. He waffles Show and gets him up for another FU. Cena covers for 1, 2, 3 to win it at 9:12.

• Cena was over huge and Show was just huge. Average enough match though this was during one of those periods where Show didn’t seem to care a whole lot and based on his booking after the world title run with Brock through the previous year, I don’t entirely blame him. FU on Show is still a cool visual. **

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. JBL (c). Wrestlemania XXI. JBL has been champion for practically a year at this point after taking the belt off Eddie back in 04. Cena is arguably the number 2 face in the company behind Batista. After coming up short at the Rumble, Cena got this title shot by winning a tournament that culminated at No Way Out beating Kurt Angle in the finals. Because of a no touch clause in the contract, this feud revolved around a lot of spraypainting, pouring water in hats, insinuating that one or the other’s mom is a prostitute, and confrontations with no punches. Cole and Taz play up how JBL has guaranteed victory. JBL gets the presidential motorcade for tonight and then drops McMahon’s Millions from the ceiling – unfortunately it’s glorified Bison Dollars.

They soak in the moment before going nowhere on a lock up. Cena sends off JBL but JBL runs over him with a shoulderblock. He goes for another but runs into a Cena shoulderblock. Cena with a head of steam but runs into a JBL boot in the corner. ANOTHER SHOULDERBLOCK! JBL with several CLUBBINGBLOWS and chops. JBL with a few neckbreakers and he covers for 2. JBL shows why he makes the big bucks by hitting Cena with not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different chokes in a row. JBL’s all AINT I GREAT. Whoops, sorry, wrong annoying midcarder in a Stetson. Cena gets the boot up in the corner but runs into a Spinebuster. JBL poses before covering for 2. JBL hits a straitjacket neckbreaker for another 2 count. JBL hits several Batista kicks and really dials up the asshole to 11. Cole: “THIS IS VINTAGE JOHN CENA, JUST STOMPING AWAY!” Thanks for that. JBL hits a running clothesline in the corner and Cena has got nothing other than a few cutoff comebacks. JBL with a short arm clothesline and Cena gets the foot on the ropes??? No wonder this went over like a JBL match. JBL locks in the Sleeper as a subtle boring chant gets started. Who booked this? Hogan? Cena got no shine at all before spiraling downward into JBL’s vortex of chokes and neckbreakers. Cena comes back with a back suplex. After a double KO spot, they follow up with ANOTHER one after a double clothesline. Crowd is sitting on their hands. Cena tries some rights but JBL dumps him out and hits another neckbreaker on the floor. Back in, JBL covers for another 2 count. JBL puts Cena up top and hits a superplex. Third double KO spot in last 90 seconds. JBL drapes the arm for 1, 2, 2 ½. JBL heads up top but jumps into a powerslam from Cena. FOURTH DOUBLE KO SPOT! STOP THE MATCH! After they both get up, Cena fights back with fights and headbutts (with a bad neck no less) and a backdrop. Cena: “YOUSONOFABITCH!” Cena hits an ugly hiptoss and the ProtoBomb. He fires up for the 5KS. He hits it and poses to… a decidedly mild reaction. Cena pumps up but JBL cuts him off just because and goes for the LARIATO from Hell. But Cena ducks, hits the FU, and we’re outta here at 11:27.

• JBL gets no false finishes and no kickouts and Cena after getting his ass handed to him for 10 minutes, recovers to hit his go home and pin him inconsequentially to end JBL the Terrible’s reign of terror. I will say this Cena at least sells – he lays down, acts hurt, and struggles to get to his feet. Cena has since graduated to laying face down for 3 minutes apparently out cold, then popping up unharmed to hit an FU and pin his opponent with no rhyme or reason to it. It’s like peekaboo, freeze tag wrestling – now you see me selling (by playing dead), now you don’t. Decent match but not enough to really make a crowning moment – that would come next year against Triple H. **1/4

• WWE Championship: Triple H vs. John Cena (c). Wrestlemania XXII. This to me is Triple H at the peak of his self-awareness and willingness to put people over. He had put over Batista three times the previous year. He had helped carry the RR workload while Rey laid around only to come to and toss out Trips and Orton in the last minute to win. And, going into this match, he tapped into the internet zeitgeist using all the covert and overt language he could to frame Cena as a guy not in his league and himself as a guy who made his career beating and holding people down. He claimed the belt was “going back home” and Cena “couldn’t lace his boots” and Cena “had no talent.,” etc. Basically, it was all of the same race-baiting language he used against Book, except without racism and with this guy, he channeled it into losing. We even get a mild ripoff of the Rocky IV training dualism – the new school, high-tech, roided mercenary vs. the old-school, blue-collar everyman.

• Trips comes out in his Conan garb with the debut of his King of Kings music. JR tows the line early saying that Triple H is more “old school” and that he doesn’t think “Cena can outwrestle The Game tonight.” Cena gets a video tracing his lineage to the Chicago Depression-era gangsters because the show is in Chicago, ya see, and he’s a gangster, soldier, rapper, role model who drives muscle cars and sings in black choirs and prays with DMX. Lillian goes overboard in listing off Triple H’s litany of titles and nicknames and thus gets him an even bigger cheer. Cena gets booed out of the building only a year after dethroning JBL but only 6 months after getting booed out of the building against Jericho, Angle, Edge, and half of the heel roster. JR calls it a “unique ovation.”

• At the bell, they circle for a minute or so and JR tries coming up with other reasons – “This is like playing a road game for Cena. Let me tell you something, I talked to him earlier today; he had an indication, a premonition it was going to be this way. He doesn’t care, he’s here to defend the WWE title – SIMPLE, END OF STORY! IF YOU’RE WITH HIM, YOU’RE WITH HIM! IF YOU’RE NOT, YOU’RE NOT!” Trips embarrasses Cena with a hammerlock and drop toe hold to show off his WRESTLING skills early to a big pop. H gloats like it’s in the bag before again grabbing a hammerlock and kicking away Cena like a sack of garbage. FUCKYOUCENA say the legions. JR: “A somewhat unflattering chant, to say the least, directed at the WWE champion.” Cena whips H into the corner to boos but H gets the boot up to a pop as JR confirms our worst fears, that he won’t be exchanging Christmas cards with Trips. Cena goes for the FU but H slides out and lays him out with a haymaker. TRIPLEHTRIPLEHTRIPLEH chant. H shitcans Cena out like yesterday’s news according to JR.

• H soaks in some cheers and that allows Cena to waffle him from behind with elbows in the corner. Cena with a backdrop and covers for a 2 count. King: “Cena may not be the best wrestler, but he can damn sure fight!” JR: “That best wrestler stuff bothers me, he’s not a bad wrestler. HE’S THE WWE CHAMP FOR GOD’S SAKE! HE’S JUST UNORTHODOX!” It’s surreal hearing the announcers openly acknowledge that Cena isn’t very good at, ya know, WRESTLING; however, I’ll just reiterate that it plays gloriously into the finish and story of the match. ANYWAY, Cena with a suplex for 2 and goes to the chinlock. Game gets free but Cena stays on him with the rights. Cena sends him into the corner for the Trips Flip. Cena tries to jump on him on the floor and H goes to the eyes. He preps a piledriver but Cena reverses to a backdrop and H eats STEEL ramp. Back in, Cena goes to the GnP as the crowd lays on the dueling FUCKYOUCENA/LETSGOCENA chants. H cuts him off with a high knee to a pop. H pummels him with some choking and then whips Cena into the stairs. Back in, H plays to the crowd and covers for another 2 count. H hits a knee drop (JR: “THE MONARCH OF THE MAT!”) and covers for another nearfall.

• Cena tries a comeback but H cuts him off with a jawbreaker and a LARIATO. He covers for 1, 2, 2 ½. Tremendous bump on that clothesline by Cena. Again, Trips cuts off the comeback with a neckbreaker and ties up Cena in the neck vice. Cena tries to escape but runs out into a Sleeper. Whoa, other than the first few exchanges, this match is like a carbon copy of JBL-Cena in terms of moveset and psychology from H – clotheslines, neckbreakers, sleepers, punches, etc. JR: “When Triple H is on top of his wrestling game, no pun intended, there are few in the world who can hang with him, and that’s what we’re seeing here tonight.” Cena gets to his feet and drives H to the corner. H uses the distance to get the foot up but runs into a clothesline from Cena. Cena sells the impact so long that it turns into a double KO spot and Trips gets to his feet first. They slug it out for the BOO/YEA but Cena again wins with a series of clotheslines and a powerslam. Cena fires up and hits the ProtoBomb. He calls for the 5KS but H cuts him off with a spinebuster. King: “HE SAW YA, CENA!” H REALLY plays to the crowd on that one as he covers for 1, 2, 2.7. Cena sure enough switches into Energizer bunny mode to hit his shoulderblocks.

• Trips tries another Sleeper but Cena suplexes him down and hits the 5KS shuffle. Cena pumps up for the FU but H forces a counter and Cena drops down into the STF. H struggles but lunges for the ropes and makes it to a POP.. then BOOS. Right. Cena gets H up for the FU but Trips slides behind and shoves Cena into a ref bump. H follows up with a low blow on both. Triple H steals the You Can’t See me taunt and then tops it off with the DX crotch chop to big cheers. H gets the sledge to more pops. JR: “It’s amazing to me that people are cheering the challenger for his obvious intended use of a sledgehammer.” (Un)fortunately, Cena cuts him off but H stands tall and comes back with a sledge waffle. Chioda crawls over for the 1, 2, 2.99. Trips works the count for another nearfall. Trips goes for the Pedigree but Cena backdrops out and hits the FU. 1, 2, 2.99999999999. Cena plays up the disbelief well as he heads up top for a crossbody but comes up dry. King: “JOHNNNN! THAT’S NOT IN YOUR REPERTOIRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Trips again goes for the Pedigree but Cena slides under again for the STF. He struggles and looks to pass out. BUT WAIT! HE’S STILL ALIVE! NO! H TAPS AT 22:05!

• All of that snide, condescending animus that Trips and JR to a lesser extent unloaded on Cena during the match and the build is built into the finish. The moment Trips taps out it vindicates Cena and his new school, thuggin’ n buggin’, ground ‘n pound brawling, at least within the context of the story. As a match, the crowd and H’s finesse elevate this above his encounter with JBL even if they are very similar. The only way the match could have put over Cena any more was if Trips let him kick out of the Pedigree or let him outwrestle him on the ground the way Angle did, but Trips still did a bang up job putting him over and tapping out. ***1/2

• WWE Championship: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena (c). Wrestlemania XXIII. Trips tore his quad in the feud with Rated RKO thus leaving the WM main event and HBK in limbo. HBK and Cena began to pal up but it became obvious HBK was getting the shot. Even after winning the tag titles together, Cena kept convincing himself that HBK was going to turn on him every week before finally with 6 days until Mania, HBK blasted him with Sweet Chin Music for the first time on the go-home show. HBK gets the usual DX entrance and Cena races a Mustang through the empty streets of Detroit near Ford Field.

• After some moron jumps the rail to make a scene, HBK sits absent-mindedly on the top rope to let the scene unfold and JR calls it “mind games.” HBK offers Cena a shake and Cena’s all my jaw still hurts from Monday and HBK’s all I once missed a Mania over a lost smile so I understand. Cena goes for a haymaker but HBK ducks for some chops and we’re underway. HBK brushes off Cena with a crotch chop. They go through some chain with HBK flipping out of a backdrop and showing up Cena by dodging all his stuff like he’s Anderson Silva and then hitting a few shots of his own. Cena is nonplussed and backs off to the neutral corner. They lock up again and HBK goes to the shoulder surges and grabs a headlock. HBK with a nice headlock takeover and grinds it in. Cena gets to his feet so HBK does it again. HBK bridges for a few more 2 counts as they’re still feeling out like they’re going for a broadway. Cena sends off HBK and then takes his head off with a LARIATO for his first offense of the match to sizable. HBK now huddles up in the corner and REALLY sells the hell out of the move and out of his shock at Cena getting the best of him early. HBK tries to sneak him so Cena bowls over him with another shoulderblock. Cena goes for the usual but HBK switches up and cuts him off with a THESZ PRESS! GNP! Cena rolls him off and HBK chases him down.

• Cena goes for a shitcan but HBK lands on the apron. HBK comes back with a Stun Gun and hiptosses Cena to the floor. Great sequence after the clothesline from Cena. Cena tries to block a kick so HBK breaks out an ENZUIGIRI! QUEBRADA! HBKHBKHBKHBKHBK! Back in, HBK goes back to work with chops and Cena is reeling. HBK goes for a charge in the corner and Cena tries to get the boot up but HBK blocks(!) and hits some CLUBBINGBLOWS on his leg. Sweet. AND NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL, JOSE LETHARIO STYLE! HBK drags Cena over to the ringpost and wraps it around. YEAH! HBK drops a few knees on the leg and Cena tries to shove him away so HBK clips the knee. Chioda: “WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?! CAN YOU CONTINUE THIS MATCH!? TALK TO ME, CENA!” HBK now alternates between chops and working the knee. He shrugs off a Cena counterattack and wraps the leg around the ropes. HBK has shifted into slight heel mode but it’s glorious. Cena swings wildly but misses and HBK clips the knee like an assassin. Cena tries fighting back with rights to combat the chops. Cena tries a big haymaker that stuns HBK so HBK comes back with a harpoon in the corner that staggers Cena. JR: “A one-legged man cannot be WWE champion, in my estimation; no offense to John Cena or any one-legged men.” TAKE THAT, GOWEN!

• HBK goes for another harpoon but Cena moves out of the way, selling his leg all the way. HBK eats ringpost and blades. We’re hovering around very awesome territory right now if Cena can keep up the selling. Of course, Cena instantly eats some spinach and runs after HBK with a clothesline and then jumps on top of him with GnP, thus negating several minutes of leg work. Cena goes to the flying shoulderblocks and a ProtoBomb. Cena FINALLY acknowledges the leg by shaking some life into it. He cues up the 5KS and hits it. Cena calls for the FU but HBK slides out and deliriously losing blood, still manages to hit some chops. HBK flip in the corner but he comes back with a Sweet Chin Music attempt. Cena ducks and Chioda gets bumped after a SCM. Cena goes to the FU to boos but HBK counters and hits a DDT on the way down. HBK recovers and looks around and he realizes what he has to do: CHEAT! GO HEEL! HBK slides out to the floor and preps the stairs. JR: “…. Wait a minute… We had a pretty fair fight going…” King: “Looks like Michaels is going to throw that spirit of competition to the wind, JR.” JR: “I think you’re right, King.” HBK hoists Cena up for a SPIKE PILEDRIVER ON THE STAIRS! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW! BRUTAL!

• Cena is DONE and got busted hardway on the back of his head. HBK calls for a ref and HERE COMES JACK DOANE! He slides in and counts for 1, 2, 2.999999. Cena tries to recover but HBK hits a burrito to a big pop. HBK is sneering like an evil bastard now sure enough. He goes up top for the MACHO ELBOW! H veterae tunes up the band but Cena cuts him off with a LARIATO! Big heat for Cena. Double KO spot. They both recover for some BOO/YEA slug it out. Cena wants the FU but HBK slides behind! ROLL UP! 1, 2, 2.999999999. HBK goes for another Thesz press but Cena catches him in the FUUUUU! But he’s too out of it for the cover. Delayed cover gets 1, 2, 2.99999. Cena puts HBK up top and preps a Super FU but HBK escapes and elbows him down. HBK flies of with a crossbody but Cena catches him, rolls through, and wants another FU! NO! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! NO! STF! NO! HBK KICKS HIM OFF! STF! NO! HBK ROLLS HIM UP FOR ONE, TWO, THREEOHNOHEALMOSTGOT’IM! Tremendously awesome sequence there. HBK recovers to go for another enzuigiri but in a nice callback, Cena counters to the STF. HBK is close to taping, but he makes the ropes to a big pop. Jack Doane mans up and pulls Cena away for a rope break. But that allows HBK to hit another SCM! HBK drapes the arm for 1, 2, nearfall. They officially have the crowd in the palm of their hands. Double KO spot but they use each other to get to their feet at 9. HBK shoves him away for SCM! NO! FU! NO! STF! HBK IS TRAPPED! HE TAPS AT 28:24!

• Almost a perfect match. The first 10 minutes or so is PERFECT with HBK using his mat wrestling and wily veteran instincts to stay one step ahead. As soon as he realized, Cena had a power advantage or at least as soon as he FELT the power advantage, HBK realized he had to bust all everything in his game including enzuigiris, quebradas, Thesz presses, etc. HBK got overzealous with harpoons and overplayed his hand right into the ringpost. I was worried that the latter half of the match was going to rely on Cena’s ability to sell the leg, but instead, they dumped the psychology to go with storytelling and HBK’s willingness to do evil to try and win at all costs. The piledriver on the stairs was incredible as was all of the stuff after the first ref bump especially the finisher reversals. Awesome awesome awesome match. For me, this match and the SS 2007 match against Orton where HBK couldn’t use the Sweet Chin Music are two of his best one man band shows since the 90s. ****1/2

• Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship: Triple H vs. John Cena vs. Randy Orton (c). Wrestlemania XXIV. Cena won the RR last eliminating Trips. Orton used his devilish ways to goad Cena into cashing in his shot at the February PPV and then slithering his way out of a fight by taking a DQ loss. Trips, after winning the EC to become number 1 contender, butted heads with Cena and both wound up getting the shot here. Orton on the other hand is solidly in the middle of the AGE…OF….ORTON! I see a name like that in bright lights, so bright they just explode from electricity. ANYWAY, Orton was champ for roughly six months straight after topping HBK, Jericho and Jeff Hardy among others.

• Trips tries to jaw with Cena to start but Orton jumps him from behind. Cena hits a bulldog early on Orton and a snap suplex. Trips recovers to shitcan out Cena so he can have Orton to himself. Trips shitcans him out as well to introduce the Age of Orton to the Age of Announce Tables. They brawl and Orton eats it to the floor. Back in, Trips goes to the Sleeper but Cena cuts both off with an FU attempt on BOTH! Awesome visual there as usual but Trips slides off and hits a BLATANTLOWBLOWPUNT. Orton cuts off Game with a neck/backbreaker called an inverted atomic drop by JR. Orton goes to some quick GnP as the others sell. Orton works a Garvin/Malenko stomp on both as the crowd gets a mild series of dueling chants for Cena. Orton drops a few knees and covers both for 2 counts. Orton heads up top but Cena cuts him off. Trips joins the party for an Electric Chair/Crossbody tower of doom. Orton tries a cover but Cena hangs on(!) and rolls through for the FU. He boots away a charging H but Orton slides behind for a roll up for 1, 2, only 2. H runs in again but Orton ducks and Cena eats the clothesline. In the confusion, Orton also clotheslines Trips down and the faces just can’t get anything going. Orton boots H out to the floor to focus on Cena. Orton preps an apron DDT. Trips comes running around but like an idiot he just gets booted and DDTed as well. Well that was a lazy set up for that. Orton again tries consecutive covers both for 2 counts. Orton fires up for stereo RKOs at 5 minutes in. Cena up first but he shoves Orton into Trips. Cena hits the Throwback and heads up for the Super Fameasser. He wants the STF but Orton bails out to the floor to escape. Orton runs Cena around the ring and then shoves him into the ringpost awesomely.

• Trips now jumps on Orton and goes to work on the leg because the one thing this match needs is leg work and restholds. H drives the leg into the mat but HERE’S CENA! Cena eats a clothesline and wipes out again. Out of nowhere, Orton hits an RKO and H sells it to the floor. Everyone is down selling and Orton is selling a torn ACL after only two moves to the leg. Cena rolls under Orton and puts him in the STF. This is like MAYBE 7 minutes in and we’re jumping to the finishers. Orton looks close to tapping but H recovers to help him grab the ropes. Cool spot but one stolen from the WMXX match. H then pummels both and shoves Cena into the stairs to break it up. H then rolls Orton over for the Reverse Indian Deathlock. Cena no sells the stair attack to run in and ruin H’s submission. Cena sends Trips into the corner for the Trips Flip and Cena goes back to the STF on Orton. Trips is back in to stomp a mudhole and forcibly remove Cena from the hold. Cena won’t give it up so Trips instead locks in the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! That gets a pop but Cena makes the ropes to boos. Orton is currently out of the picture selling but I’m sure that won’t last long. Trips and Cena slug it out and H takes over with a knee but Cena comes back with shoulderblocks and a ProtoBomb. Cena hits the 5KS and wants the FU but Trips slides out. He goes for the Pedigree but Cena backdrops out for the STF. Trips kicks him off and we’re back to a stalemate. H hits the jawbreaker and a LARIATO. Cena no sells just to run into a Spinebuster. H fires up for the Pedigree. Orton tries running in but Trips clips the knee to keep him occupied and play into the psychology. Awesome. H again slides out of the FU to hit a PEDIGREE! 1, 2, ORTON BREAKS IT UP WITH THE PUNT! Orton drapes the arm on Cena for 1, 2, 3 to retain at 13:11.

• Other than the leg psychology from H which seemed like a bad idea but awesomely played into some falses and Trips breaking out some WMXX spots and Orton’s punt, this was generic as hell with some lazy transitions. The video package was better than the match. **1/2

• Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Big Show vs. John Cena vs. Edge (c). Wrestlemania XXV. So Edge lost the WWE strap at EC after getting eliminated by Hardy inside of 3 minutes. Edge took out his frustrations by tackling Kofi in the main event to steal his spot and go on to win the WHW strap from Cena. You see, Edge had the blessing of Vickie, his main squeeze and Smackdown GM. Show had the title shot at Mania, but Cena parlayed his way into making this a triple threat by revealing that Vickie had been cheating on Edge with Showster. Other than the EC title switcharoo, this match had an AWFUL build. JR: “Edge, 8-time world champion, his bride is still wearing her wedding ring, does that mean anything anymore in this love triangle?” That’s about the caliber of storytelling you can expect on commentary throughout. Cena gets the Eminem VMA clone army entrance from a thousand years ago. JR says he heard a few days ago that Show was at 485 but apparently Show got his leg chopped off at the knee because Lilian announces him at 441. Edge is the biggest face in the match and gets a mixed reaction. King tries to cover: “We have WWE fans from all over the world here at Wrestlemania, quite a contingency here from Canada, obviously.” Yes, The Canadians descended en masse to the Bizarro World of Montreal to cheer Edge. Wait, what? Oh, that’s right. The show’s in HOUSTON! TEXAS!

• Cena comes out slugging with both and suckers Show into clubbing down Edge. Cena follows up with a bulldog and Edge is toast. Cena tries a flying shoulderblock but Show no sells. Edge is all “We both love Vickie and hate Eminem, so let’s work together.” Edge wants a high five but JR thinks otherwise: “I don’t think there’s any time for negotiations.” Show picks up Edge like nothing and crotches him on the top rope for the hobby horse spot. JR: “That will affect the love triangle, WITHOUT QUESTION!” Show tosses Edge but Cena picks him up for the FU so Show breaks that up with a crescent kick. Edge rolls out to the floor selling nothing in particularly. Seriously, he wasn’t even hit, he just fell off Cena’s shoulders and then rolled to the floor. Show goes to work with the Andre spot and rights to the breadbasket. Cole tries to explain the feud: “HEY! LISTEN! Vickie brought this on herself. Remember, she named Big Show the number 1 contender first off against her husband, Edge. Then, John Cena got involved with the whole blackmail prank when they caught Big Show and Vickie screwing around…. SO… Vickie brought this on herself.” I don’t know about you but I like my world title feuds revolving around wheelchair-bound authority figure divorcees. What? You don’t like soap opera genre fiction? What’s wrong with a little family friction and a dispute over a will?

• Show with a flapjack as we get the fifth cutaway to Vickie of the match. Show crotches himself going for a boot and Cena dumps him out. Edge kicks the stairs into Show’s leg and Cena flies off with the Fameasser to the floor. Show switches to selling while Edge slides in with Cena and Edge poses at 2 minutes in. Cena picks up Edge for the FU but Edge switches to the Edge-o-cutioner for 1, 2, only 2. Edge heads up top but Cena knocks him off and again I’m assuming Edge will be out of action for 3-6 months nursing that fall off the top rope. Show back in for a sideslam on Cena. He covers for 1, 2, 2 ½. Cena with a head of steam but Chavo pulls him out to the floor, because La Familia trumps all even when the missus is cheating with Showster. Cena gives Chavo the FU on the floor and Cena slides back in. He shoulderblocks Show back into the ropes for another Andre spot. Edge back in to eat the shoulerblocks and a Protobomb to boos. Cena hits the 5KS. BUT WAIT! HEY, IT’S VICKIE! SHE’S ON THE APRON! Cena sidesteps and Edge harpoons her off the apron by accident.

• Cena school boys Edge for a 2 count. They both get up and collide on a double clothesline. Show, still in the ropes: “GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!” This is trash. Show gets free and THE MOOSE IS LOOSE! He goes to work on both with frying pans and toaster oven limb shots. He hits a Ho Train and fires up for a double ChokeSlam. Cena avoids but Edge eats it. Cena picks up Show but Show slides out to hit the WMD and Cena sells it to the floor. Show wants a ChokeSlam on the floor but Edge counters to a DDT on the floor. Edge sets up the stairs and jumps off them knocking Show through a gimmicked part of the barricade for a relatively soft landing. JR: “THEY DIDN’T LAND IN A LA-Z-BOY!” JR apparently missed the memo that Show was looking a trim 441 and decides to tip the scales: “We made it clear earlier tonight that the Big Show is in the midst of 485, HE MAY BE BIGGER!” Rather than go for Show, Edge slides in Cena and covers for 1, 2, only 2. Edge tunes up the band for the Spear but Cena moves and locks in the STF. Edge reaches for the ropes but Cena pulls him back to the middle. Normally an EASY pop but the crowd mildly boos but mostly doesn’t acknowledge it.

• Edge goes to tap but Show, in a spot stolen from the triple threat LAST YEAR at Mania, grabs Edge’s hand to stop it. Show goozles Cena and knocks him out with a headbutt. Show heads up for a VaderBomb but Edge slides out of the way. JR still won’t give up the fight for accuracy in vital stats: “THAT’S A BISCUIT OR TWO UNDER 500 LBS!” Cena’s in and he and Edge team up for a double suplex. Edge and Cena give each other the stink eye but decide to work together and dump out Showster. Edge boots Cena from behind and covers for 2. Edge wants the Edge-o-matic but Cena fights him off for the Throwback. Show distracts allowing Edge to come back with a Spear. This has at least picked up since Vickie disappeared. Edge covers but Show breaks it up. Show runs into a boot in the corner and Edge mounts for the Sleeper. Show tries to fight it and that allows Cena to hoist him up for the FU and hit it! Always cool. Another for Edge. Cena covers Show for 1, 2, 3 to win the belt at 14:44.

• A generic triple threat with almost no personality and lots of slow Show offense which can vary from wretched to effective and was somewhere in the neighborhood of boring/bearable tonight. Also, the terrible storyline played a big role at the beginning but then played NOTHING into the last several minutes of the match thus making it seem doubly irrelevant and unnecessary in the first place. I’ll take the triple threat from XXIV because at least it had a bit of a faster pace and not a completely Superman Cena finish out of nowhere. **1/4

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. Batista (c). Wrestlemania XXVI. HEEL BATISTA! Batista turned on Rey several months before this because Rey wasn’t his friend. Cena won a grueling EC to become WWE champ; however, Batista, with the boss’s blessing, interrupted Cena’s 3 minute reign of kissing babies and hugging fat girls and got a title shot on the spot and DemonBombed Cena on his way to becoming the new WWE champ.

• Batista grabs a headlock after a lengthy lockup and then blows through Cena with a shoulderblock. Cena tries another tack and gets a headlock takeover to ground Batista. Batista gets a rope break but Cena hits a flurry in the corner. Batista shrugs it off and LARIATOS Cena in the corner. Cole and Striker immediately bring up Cena’s broken neck at the hands of Batista only a year and a half ago. Batista hits the Batista kick in the corner and pulls Cena to the apron for more punishment. MOARBATISTAKICKS! Cena comes back by blocking a suplex and switching to one of his own. Cena hits a bulldog for 1, 2, only 2. Cena wants the FU but Batista blocks and folds up Cena with a DDT. He covers for 1, 2, 2 ½. Cena selling the neck well as Batisa follows up with ANOTHER BATISTA KICK! 1, 2, nearfall. Batista goes to the OrtonLock. Cena no sells to stand up out of it and power his way free. Cena almost makes it until Batista knees him to the back viciously. I can get behind that. They slug it out for BOO/YEA and Batista cuts Cena off with a neckbreaker. Cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½. Batista goes to another resthold with a guillotine. Cena again overpowers by backdropping his way out. He gets the boot up in the corner and it’s pickaboo selling time as Cena is back to full health and energy. He hits the shoulderblocks and a Protobomb. He wants the 5KS but Batista cuts him off with the SPINEBUSTER TO A POP! THE ANIMAL IS UNLEASHED! Batista wants the DemonBomb but Cena slides under into the STF. Batista makes the ropes to escape. Batista hits a Spear. 1, 2, 2.7. Batista puts Cena up top but Cena for like the 75th time this match overpowers Batista and headbutts him down. Cena then hits a Super 5KS. He wants the FU but Batista blocks with the ropes and counters to the DEMONBOMB! 1, 2, 2.99999999. Pickaboo Cena pops up for an FU but Batista counters so Cena counters back to the FU. Cover gets 1, 2, 2.99. Cena is distraught and heads up top for the Super Fameasser but Batista counters to a Low Down Bomb – same finisher as their SS08 match. Batista follows up with another one but Cena slides down the back for the STF. Batista nearly passes out before tapping at 13:30.

• These two have strong chemistry together and this match works better than either of the triple threats because it has a much simpler dynamic. But more importantly, unlike any of the other guys, Batista is a STAR, and especially as a heel, it just emits from every action and it ups the wattage of the match above and beyond what it probably deserves. The neck psychology was token and fleeting and only existed for Cena to disregard it for the traded finishers portion. Cool false finishes and believable ones help as well. ***1/4

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. The Miz (c). Wrestlemania XXVII CnPed from my original review. First off, each guy gets a package and these are undoubtedly the best of the whole show. Miz’s shows him in a production area behind the dials watching footage of all of the signature champs of the modern era: Hogan, Flair, Austin, and Rock. It also shows some Real World footage of The Miz’s character infancy. This package says everything about his character that you need to know. He came from unlikely and undesirable roots but was driven by the success of past greats to emulate them but still carve his own path. Miz’s portion has Nas’s “Hate Me Now” play over it. Miz’s video and entrance puts him at just over 5 minutes. But Cena is up next. He’s got a full choir and an amazing soloist singing a version of his entrance song. Cena gets a video as well. It shows him as a warrior for God trying to do his work but struggling to do right. When combined with the promo from before WM on RAW about how Cena is a rebel and Rock doesn’t like him because he’s “different,” they are portraying Cena as Christian rebel. This is set to DMX’s third prayer from And Then There Was X. The crowd boos the choir when they are finished which is understandable but regrettable. They are booing Cena but that rendition was amazing and the choir didn’t deserve that. Cena wins the pool with 5:20. Crowd is split but Miz gets the most cheers.

• They decide to ring the bell twice just in case the crowd missed it the first time. Miz goes to the side headlock and Cena powers out. Miz goes back to the side headlock and Cena shoves him off but Miz takes him down with a shoulderblock. Miz goes for another but Cena hits the hiptoss and Miz begs off in the corner. Cena goes to the side headlock to boos. Miz gets a rope break in the corner but does not give a clean break and goes to punches and kicks in the corner instead. Miz hits a cross corner whip on Cena and Cena sells it hard though it was rather average. Miz then hits the leaping corner clothesline and covers for 2. Miz with more left hands on Cena. Cena knees him to the gut to counter and hits a gutwrench for 2. Miz hits a Side Effect for 2. Now, Cena begs off for a rope break. Miz goes for the clothesline again but Cena ducks and Miz eats turnbuckle. Cena goes up top and hits the top rope fameasser. There is definitely tension in the air but the crowd isn’t going with the match. There is a fervor but it’s like it’s sitting at a stoplight just waiting for the Rock or for something to happen in the match – something different than regular matches and they aren’t getting it. Miz ducks a Cena charge and he eats turnbuckle to crickets. Miz with a Batista kick for 2. Miz with a big boot for 2. This is the wrong layout for these two guys. Cena is playing punch drunk like this is 30 minutes in even though it’s about 5. Miz with more boots on Cena. Miz sends him off and ducks a Cena shoulderblock or some shit. Miz hits a knee lift on the apron. Cover gets 2. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale and Cena shoves him off and comes back with the flying shoulderblocks, the ProtoBomb and the 5KS. Cena goes for the FU but Miz slides out and hits a DDT for 2. Cena goes for the STF but Miz kicks him off and comes back with a neckbreaker combo for 2. Miz tries to take the turnbuckle cover off but Chioda sees him.

• Cena cradles Miz but Chioda is busy with the turnbuckle and it only gets 2. Miz tries to send Cena into the exposed turnbuckle but Cena puts the brakes on. Cena tries the FU but Miz slides out only to get drop toe held into the STF. Miz struggles but gets the ropes. Riley hops on the apron behind the ref’s back and rams Cena into the ringpost. Miz hits the SCF to a pop but cover only gets 2 for a mild yelp of excitement from the crowd. Miz goes for it again but Cena shoves him off and into Chioda. Cena hits the FU but no ref. Riley is in with the briefcase and waffles Cena but they don’t get fined. Cover still gets 2. Riley gets on the apron and yells to the ref to stop slow counting. Miz gets the briefcase now but accidentally waffles Riley. Cena hits the FU but Miz kicks out at 2 to a huge reaction. Miz rolls to the floor. Cena gets in the 10 point stance and clotheslines Miz over the barricade and this is when bullshit finish detectors start going off in everyone’s head. Cena tackles Miz over the barricade and busts his head right on the floor which caused a concussion. Chioda counts to 10 and says to ring the bell at 14:46 for the double countout and the crowd is READY to boo that finish out of the fuckin’ building but obviously Rock has to come out to fix this travesty. Sure enough, Rock comes out and the GM e-mail arrives. Rock hits a catchphrase and disposes of the PC laptop. Must be a Mac guy. Rock demands that they restart the match.

• WWE Championship: John Cena vs. The Miz (c). Cena goes for the FU but Miz lands on the apron. Rock hits a Rock Bottom on Cena instead to a loud reaction. Miz covers and gets the 3 at :37. Post-match, Rock rushes the ring and hits the spinebuster and a People’s Elbow on Miz.

• The first 10 minutes are about as boring as you can get for a Wrestlemania main event with Miz punching his way through the heat segment and Cena overselling it. Once Cena kicks out of the SCF, it STARTS to feel sort of like a PPV main event but the match hadn’t earned the necessary emotion for people to care that they were kicking out of finishers. With a better first half, the match could have been a really solid WM main event but they were on autopilot and it was evident. That’s not even taking into account the ridiculously terrible idea to end it as a double countout and then restart it only for interference to end it. That’s a terrible finish on RAW when they used it for Miz/Cena vs Corre much less on the biggest show of the year. Also, the ending helps no one other than Rock and he won’t even be around to take advantage of it. Instead, Cena is left to be steward for top dog until next year’s WM and Miz, despite being the best promo on the roster (other than Punk) right now and having a few great matches with Danielson and Morrison, has yet to have a PPV match to justify his billing. **

• John Cena vs. The Rock. Wrestlemania XXVIII. Let’s go with the Cliff’s Notes. Rock was special guest host last year at Mania. The main event between Cena and Miz went to an unsatisfying double countout. Rock did a little executive committee-ing and restarted the match and Rock Bottomed Cena allowing Miz to pick up a victory before he was taken out by Rock as well. The next night Rock challenged Cena a full year in advance for Mania 28 and here we are with a match you’ll only see once (maybe twice) in a lifetime.

• The crowd pops pretty big for the opening bell because after a year of Kung Pao Bitches, Garden Gnomes from 4th Dimensions of Hell, and 20 minute promos, they’re ready to get this going. They lock up and Cena tosses Rock back into the corner in a surprising spot. I figured for Rock to get the advantage first and then switch. Of course, Rock gets the advantage on the second go round and they are milking every ounce of the heat. They go through some chain before Rock kips up to hit a few armdrags and La Magistral for 1, 2, nearfall. Cena careens back into the corner in shock and disbelief at Rock’s lucha pinfalls. In an awesome moment, Cena double checks with the ref to make sure it was a 2 count. After more feeling out, Rock with a big shoulderblock but it’s Cena’s turns to hiptoss Rock into a headlock takeover. Rock escapes out and lands a haymaker. He wants the Crapshooter but Cena escapes and bails out to the floor to BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-URNS! Back in, Cena drives Rock back into the corner for some harpoons and a clothesline. Cena covers for a fleeting 1 count. Cena pulls Rock to the middle for a… waistlock? Rock’s blown up already. King: “Rock looks MAGNIFICENT. He looks like he is in tip top shape, but when you get in this atmosphere, when you get on the grandest stage of them all here at Wrestlemania and you are the main event, you can’t help but have some butterflies.” ANYWAY, Cena dumps out Rock to buy some more time as Rock is major league huffing and puffing. Cena hotshots him on the barricade and again on the announce table. Rock hobbles and sells it for all it’s worth so Cena breaks the count and is all “What the fuck, bro? Hit up the prowler and do some hill sprints.” Back in, Cena covers for 2. Cena with some average shots but man, Rock is just completely trashed. Belly to belly suplex gets another 2. Rock tries to fight back but Cena cuts him off with the bearhug…uhhh.. I mean THE BEARHUG TO THE DAMAGED MIDSECTION!

• The crowd starts up dueling chants just based on Cena and nothing about Rock. Amazing. Rock punches his way free for a DDT. Cover gets 1, 2, only 2. After Rock finally gets his oxygen tank, Cena comes back with rights in the corner. Rock fights back with a burrito and a Spinebuster. He wants the People’s Elbow but Cena switches to the STF. Rock kicks him off but it’s time for the shoulderblocks and Protobomb. Cena hits the 5KS as the nearby crowd chants SAMEOLDSHITSAMEOLDSHIT. Cena wants the FU but Rock slides out and they collide on a double clothesline. So we went straight from a middling heat full of rights and one bearhug to signature and finisher counters to another double KO. After a breather, they slug it out and Rock wins it. He goes for the Spit Punch but Cena avoids and hits the FU. Cover gets 1, 2, nearfall. Pickaboo Rock takes over with a Rock Bottom for 1, 2, also nearfall. After more laying around to sell the magnitude, Rock tries some offense but Cena counters to a sideslam for 1, 2, only 2. King: “WHATAMATCH!” Cena heads up and Rock takes his sweet time getting into position for the Fameasser. Cover gets 1, 2, 2.7. Cena wants another FU but Rock takes him down for the Scorpion King Lock. Cena gets the ropes to boos so Rock hits some GnP. Rock struggles and umphs trying to pull Cena even a few inches away from the ropes to reapply. Cena gets the ropes again, more mild booing ensues. Rock with some weak shots on the apron and Cena falls to the floor. Rock sends him into the stairs. Cena gets to the apron and sunset flips Rock into an STF.

• Rock reaches for the ropes but Cena pulls him back. Rock lingers but is close to passing out. Chioda raises the arm but Rock gets it up on the third and then crawls to the ropes. Rock comes back with a Samoan drop to lay around some more. I get it, they’re “selling” but this is taking forever. They slug it out. They trade finisher counters before Rock hits another spine on the pine. It’s People’s Elbow time. Cover gets 1, 2, 2.99. Cena small packages Rock for another nearfall. Cena catapults Rock into the corner and school boys him for ANOTHER NEARFALL! Yeah…… very…..very….slow. ANYWAY, Cena puts Rock up top but boots him off. Rock flies off with a crossbody but Cena catches him. Cole: “CENA…. PUUUURRRRRRWERING! POOWWWWEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRING! HE’S GOT THE ROCK UP!” Another FU gets 1, 2, 2.9999. Cena looks shaken in the ability of the 5KS so he betrays himself and everything he stands for instead for the Ce-Nation Elbow. ROCK POPS UP! ROCK BOTTOM! 1, 2, 3 to win it at 30:35.

• Rock wins the match, but Cena comes out looking better since he carried the thing. These two have such stark similarities – career paths, movesets, strengths, weaknesses, etc. but one glaring difference is that Cena never gets gassed. Rock in his prime was a bumping, selling, brawling machine, but a decade later, Rock is a chemically engineered exoskeleton who just can’t go like he used to. He’s Bane without his mask.

• What we’re got here is a 15-20 minute match with at least 10 minutes of “selling” puffing it up. It’s spot, lay around, signature move, lay around, reversal, roll up, lay around, finisher, kick out, lay around, other guy’s finisher, lay around, etc. At WM, you can get away with SOME of that because it’s epic or whatever, but after the first 5 minutes, Rock can barely go 30 seconds without needing a blow. Both Trips/Taker matches from the last two years have a similar mark against them of just having obscene amounts of laying around, but H and UT had a MUCH stronger story in the first and story AND weapons galore in the second. Plus, UT’s a thousand years old and Trips has two bad wheels; Cena is the franchise and Rock is the biggest star in the company, if the best they can manage is the same as a 50 year old Taker and a once a year Trips, that’s a problem. ***

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