RantWars - Finals Preview
Posted by Jay Bower on 07.03.2003
w/ special guest Flea. A special look at the two remaining finalists in RantWars!
Two months ago, a challenge was issued to 411Mania readers. A challenge to take everything that you like and dislike about wrestling on the internet, to take all of your years of fandom --the blood, the sweat and the tears you have figuratively shed blow for blow beside your favorite wrestlers --and showcase them on the finest independent wrestling website in existence. Chris Sharp or Shane Harrison will realize that dream.
Sure, we may not have "sources" of our own, a newsletter to shill or a secret clubhouse type VIP areas here at 411Mania. You guys know where to find those things though and, though we may not always act like it. we are grateful to those other sites for providing the news that makes our cyber world spin. However, each day thousands upon thousands UPON thousands of people visit 411Mania to read the opinions of the most eclectic and talented list of All-Star writers ever compiled. Each day, a countless number of posts on "Other Leading Sites" are devoted to 411Mania, painstakingly breaking down every breathe uttered by writers such as Scott Keith, Chris Hyatte. NoSoul and Josh Grut. With frequent new columns, a remarkable daily news staff (with the exclusion of Jay Seacrest) and more music, movie, video game, comic and figure material than you could read in ten lifetimes, there simply isn't another website that can touch 411Mania.
Now, after weeks and weeks of qualification, two writers now compete for their opportunity to bypass months of writing for geocities sites and sitting beneath 2,500 other samples in Widro's mailbox and become a full fledged member of the 411Mania staff. Shane Harrison and Chris Sharp have stood out from a field of over 500, laughed in the face of elimination six weeks in a row and neither will settle for anything less than total victory. Hang on to your seats because the finals of RantWars are going to be explosive!
Hey there and welcome to the RantWars Finals Preview! I'm your host Jay Bower and this is what the weeks of speculating, voting, eliminating and enthusiasm was meant to lead up to. Two fiery young columnists who haven't missed a beat in two months have survived where hundreds of others have fallen. These to writers have been selected week after week by you, the 411Mania reader, to forge ahead and possibly take hold of a column of their own here at 411Mania.
This week, we will preview the finals and take a closer look at the two remaining finalists, Shane Harrison and Chris Sharp.
On May 12th, 2003, Shane Harrison's qualifying entry "How the Mighty Have Fallen" stood out from hundreds of other submissions in its abstract approach to the qualifying question. Looking three years in to the future and describing Vince McMahon looking back on his fallen empire, Shane provided insight on the problems that led to WWE's demise and tackled the question in a way that broke out of the box so to speak. With 99% of wrestling columnists so far within the box so neighbors begin to question whether they are homeless, judges saw something unique enough in Shane to invite him to move forward in to the second week of competition.
Shane shined throughout competition with "Hart's War", a somber look at the battles Calgary's favorite son faced not only within the ring, but outside of it. Harrison continued to roll with "Christian's Crusade" and "The People's Title" in following weeks. Finally, Shane survived elimination last week with "Over the Edge", a look at one of the most controversial and tragic days in wrestling history. Now, in five days Shane vies for a position at 411Mania!
Let's take a closer look at Shane Harrison:
Shane Harrison
Location:
Auckland, New Zealand
Current Favorite Raw Wrestler:
Chris Jericho
Current Favorite Smackdown! Wrestler:
Kurt Angle
Current Favorite Tag Team:
Team Angle
All Time Favorite Wrestler:
Bret Hart
All Time Favorite Tag Team:
Midnight Express
All Time Favorite Promotion/Year:
WWF 1997
Changing gears, last week Adam Pritchard became the second to last casualty of RantWars. As has become the tradition, the floor will now be turned over to one of 411Mania's most loved writers of all time. A man who helped put the site on the map, a man who has at points carried the entire site on his back for days at a time and a man who is sorely missed by readers and staff of 411Mania alike. A fellow Floridian and a good guy, I present to you FLEA!
Hello out there! I’m Flea and quite possibly the best judge of IWC talent there is. Why? Because I SAID SO! And that’s the way that you get a “reputation”. But it is the truth – I read just about everyone and have seen the really, really good writers come and go and the truly shitty ones get their asses kissed – which leads me to ask this question…
Why in the world is everyone so hell bent in becoming an IWC writer? The answer – EGO! Case in point – Bower uses this “Rant Wars” contest to supposedly find “The next great writer for 411 and the IWC in general, by God!” when it’s clearly an easy way out of having to come up with quality column material and will make him look like a million dollars when the winner is announced. You know, coming from someone who uses cheap gimmicks like contests to entice readers, I’m surprised I didn’t think of it first. But I do have my limits. Besides, Bower must have the patience of Job ( the dude from the bible, not the action verb to sum up Foley’s career) to go through these columns, most of which have been testaments to mediocrity, at best.
But now we are down to three – and here is a little Flea Advice for the remaining two – one of you will be the lucky winner of a prize that means the world to every message board poster and IWC wannabe on the net – but you should have just asked ME to get you a “job” here at 411, to which I would have replied “Go ask Widro or Hashish and leave me alone”. It would have saved you a whole bunch of trouble.
To the lucky winner, here are some quick ground rules once you get your own (hopefully dependable, submitted on time and spell checked) column:
Thinking what you wrote is the “greatest thing ever” will naturally occur to you when you mail your column to the Bosses. You will anxiously await reader feedback to confirm this – what you will get in your inbox varies – sometimes people will really be touched by what you wrote, others will flame you with “dumb mutherfucka why can’t u be more like grut, he’s funny”…WAIT WAIT WAIT…before I get sidetracked…and this goes out to ALL current columnists that are reading and all wannabe columnists…
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY! Jesus Fucking Christ, why does every goddamn person think that they have to piss on Henny Youngman’s grave every time they write something? Some people have a gift for being humorous, other hacks really beat a dead horse trying to be the next great humorist of the IWC. You know who is funny? Dave Meltzer. Because he is totally clueless.
Check this out…
“Shark Boy, by the way, now watches the matches in this toddlers wading pool which had a monitor and Henry the Octopus (at least I think it's Henry. Besides wrestling, boxing and all other forms of violent man on man brutality, I'm now becoming a regular view of little childrens programming)”
- DA MELTZ – NWATNA report, 6.25.03
What’s scary is he is most likely serious – in which case the state of California should RUSH to his house, before children in the neighborhood start disappearing. But Meltzer never fails to make me laugh out loud, which is more than I can say for 99% of the IWC “funnymen”.
Ok, sorry about that little segue, but that is something I have had on my chest for quite sometime now. As I was saying, the opinions of your writing will vary – as Eric S. pointed out the other day, it’s best to have thick skin or you will not last very long. I suppose I could go on and on with Flea Advice and what works and what doesn’t but let’s cut the bullshit – all you * really * need to do is post on time, not suck * too * much and don’t write anything too ignorant, or else you will get shitcanned. No one is above reproach, regardless of what they may or may not think. Except for me, of course. And Hyatte. And Eric. And Grut. And Dani…you know? Why is this IWC gig treated like it’s an obtainable goal when any technically sound cretin can become relatively “famous”?
This just in – while I am writing this (around 3pm on Friday) they are currently sentencing the crazy chick that let the homeless guy bleed to death in her garage. After she ran over him. And left him hanging in the windshield. And boy howdy this prosecutor ( a sexy little blond Texan with a vagina like a steel trap, I’m guessing) is laying the law down, saying that the murdering creep’s excuse of “I was on Ecstasy” is horseshit.
Not sure if you noticed…
Ecstasy is a popular drug used to get that extra “rush” when an all night party is on the agenda. However, abuse of this drug can lead to psychotic behavior, the type of behavior that will hide your true personality and unmask the demon inside you.
Kane unmasked this week, much to the chagrin of many people in the business as well as many people on line. Oddly enough, most people have been screaming for Kane to change his dated and stale gimmick (one that originated when Paul Bearer was his manager) but when he was finally unmasked, most people treated it as a joke.
Paul Bearer (aka Percy Pringle) does not think it’s a joke. In his latest series of interviews, he goes on record as stating that the WWE made a “big mistake” and that they have “ruined” Kane (Glenn Jacobs) career.
While I think the “real mistake” is how far off base he is, what I really wonder is what the hell is wrong with Pringle, who not too long ago was very complimentary of many things WWE. I remember this because I wrote a news column about it – based on a interview that was conducted by Dave Scherer and Buck Woodward, both of 1wrestling.com fame…
1wrestling.com, of course, is owned (although he barely shows his face anymore) by the one person that the IWC revolves around…
BOB
Six Degrees of Ryder Fakin
And there you have it. That’s how Flea got started on the net. What’s your excuse?
Now then, this whole Rant Wars “critique” thing…
Adam Pritchard, you got fucked. And not because of the column “If Pro Sports had Attitude”. Although it was flawed in it’s presentation (not to mention it’s entire concept), anyone who voted for the piece of shit “Over the Edge” Owen Hart crybaby suckfest should bury their heads in the sand like a shamed Ostrich. Yeah, that’s just what the IWC needs, another fucking bleeding Hart (aha ha that’s funny FLEA!)…strike that, another ninny who thinks that “oh the show should have been stopped WAH WAH WAH”, go fuck yourself and get the hell away from 411. If you want to write garbage (or agree) with that drivel, get off of my cloud and stay there. The show was not stopped and there is not a person in the world that can change that. It’s odd how “great” Owen has become after his death, when most people didn’t give two shits about him when he was alive (and not so oddly enough, it’s tough to find archives of people laying the badmouth to Owen before his death – they all have been “mysteriously purged” – but don’t worry, FLEA archives everything and maybe if people keep writing columns like “Over the Edge” I’ll just post them and get it over with.). So to you Adam Pritchard, I apologize on behalf of half-alive human beings with common sense. No way anyone who considers whining about Owen’s death to be a column worth submitting to a contest should be under consideration for anything but a job at a site where they would call it a “great piece of writing”. Which is anywhere but 411. Disgusting.
Now then, Adam Pritchard, pro sports has always had attitude – for reference see the 70’s Oakland Raiders. And wrestling is fake. The greatest difference between wrestling and “real” sports is the suspension of disbelief but unfortunately, too many people have tried to intermingle the “realness” of sports and the “theatre” of wrestling, finding that it’s cool as a fad, but goddamn, even the worst Monday Night Football game is better than watching the Dudleyz putting some chump through a table for the 500th time. Also, (and this applies to EVERYONE who writes or plans to write IWC columns) – do not end your column with a question!!!! If I wanted to think, I damn sure wouldn’t be reading wrestling columns on the Internet. Just some more Flea Advice for you.
So sorry, Adam Pritchard, stick you with a fork, you are DONE. But I would have selected your column over the other two, if that is any consolation.
And there you have it, the unapologetic opinion of one of 411Mania's favorite sons. If the 411Mania readers were the ECW arena, they would likely be chanting something witty like "Come back soon".
Now that our guest host for the week has left the stage, let's take a closer look at the second finalist in RantWars, Chris Sharp.
On May 13th, 2003, I received Chris Sharp's qualifying entry "All in the Family" and instantly knew that he would be one of the final eight and probably one of the final two. With a unique approach on the topic, Sharp attacked family business ventures in general, quoting a consultant who claimed "The trouble with family-owned businesses is that they are a respectable vehicle for dealing with angsts that often have nothing to do with the business and everything to do with relationships. On balance, family businesses do at some point fail because they do not give the opportunity to those genuinely able to come through and run them well." Chris hit the nail on the head and voiced an opinion completely unique of the other five hundred entries.
Chris continued to submit quality work each week with a smooth and technically sound style. "Burning Down the House", "And Everyone Stopped Breathing"", "The God of Small Things" and "The Road to Nowhere" followed, earning Chris the lowest total of elimination votes of everyone in the competition. Soon, Chris will fight for a position of his own at 411Mania!
Let us now take a closer look at Chris Sharp.
Chris Sharp
Age:
26
Location:
London, UK.
Current Favorite Raw Wrestler:
Chris Jericho
Current Favorite Smackdown! Wrestler:
Eddie Guerrero
Current Favorite Tag Team:
Team Angle
All Time Favorite Wrestler:
Bret Hart
All Time Favorite Tag Team:
The Rockers
All Time Favorite Promotion/Year:
WWF 1991
All Time Favorite Pay-Per-View:
Wrestlemania X7
All TIme Favorite Match:
Bret Hart vs British Bulldog
Summerslam 1992 - Wembley Stadium
All Time Favorite Fued:
Misawa vs. Kawada
Now that you know a little bit more about the two RantWars finalists, let's take a look at the qualifying columns that won Shane Harrison and Chris Sharp spots in the competition:
_____
How the Mighty Have Fallen.
By: Shane Harrison
It’s 2005. The WWE is no more, Brock Lesnar at home, broken and bitter. He was of the breed that could have saved wrestling. Big, Strong and Powerful. Young, Motivated and Over. He could have been the next big thing. He could have saved the WWE. But this is a tale woeful, not glorious
It all started in 2001. The WWF bought out the competition and was on a high as they have a brilliant angle on their hands. The ‘Invasion’ and it was the dream of every wrestling fan. But it was ruined. The invaders lost frequently and it became a joke. HHH had become a backstage power and despite his tired act, crammed himself down everyone’s throats after the New Year. The WWF began a downward spiral which would cease to halt. A name change into the WWE brought even less main stream recognition and Vince became desperate for competition. So in another angle with loads of potential he split the rosters into competing brands. He hired new stars, a stand out wrestling brand emerged and optimism for the future began to be felt again. However the angle was bungled again and it became just two bad brands again. HHH ruined the RAW brand single handedly by his narcissism. Vince had become not the genius he once was, but a desperate man. So he hired back veteran stars to recover lost fans but that was an ill-advised move. He alienated the current, die-hard fans and the ‘veterans’ were a collection of washed-up stars, troublemakers and mis-used talent. As the spiral continued ever downward he decided to split the PPVs and that was when many realised there was little chance of return to the glory days.
Fans didn’t buy this move and moved away in droves from Vince’s tired product. The move yielded more losses and no quality wrestling. Vince was left with his most loyalist fans. Young stars became neglected and morale was low. With ratings plummeting Vince decided on a final move. To unify the brands. The potential failed again as the angle was ruined by ego. The title was unified under HHH and Lesnar was buried. Ratings were out of control now but Vince couldn’t see that. It was at Summerslam 2004 when he finally saw. The arena was half-full and Vince went insane. He fired HHH, he pushed young talent and he tried the revolution again. But it was too late, no hope, no turning back. How did it happen so quickly?
All that was needed was a plan. If the WWE had a plan for the future it wouldn’t have ended this way. The elderly wouldn’t be on top. The talented, the kings. They need more thinking from the writers, more quality angles and more quality matches. This was all they needed to get back in the mainstream. But it’s too late for that now. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
We all have our pet theories on how to improve the dire state of the WWE. Push Benoit & Eddy Guerrero. Allow the cruiserweight division to prosper. Sweep away the dead wood, and chop down the giant redwoods. Fire the clique. Recapture the zeitgeist. All these decisions are in the hands of the McMahon family, and therein lays the problem.
I would venture that the WWE is a unique business, being a billion-dollar corporation where all major financial & creative decisions are taken by members of one family. There has been a great program on BBC2 recently, where Gerry Robinson, a ruthless business consultant is brought in to help turn around struggling family firms. His philosophy is simple: "The trouble with family-owned businesses is that they are a respectable vehicle for dealing with angsts that often have nothing to do with the business and everything to do with relationships. On balance, family businesses do at some point fail because they do not give the opportunity to those genuinely able to come through and run them well." The removal of Paul Heyman from creative control of Smackdown is the latest example of the McMahon Family failing to take the opportunity to benefit from the talents of others. While in charge, Heyman succeeded in achieving one of the WWE's stated tasks - building new stars. Instead of pushing Test or the Big Show, as Linda McMahon promised to do during a WWE press conference, he catapulted two new faces to the top, and they are now part of the backbone of Smackdown. He was rewarded with demotion, and the quality and ratings of Smackdown have suffered as a result.
For the WWE to recover from it's recent prolonged drought the McMahon family need to do one of two things: either face up to their own failure to create compelling television, which is as likely as Scott Keith & Hyatte moving in together to play happy families, or they need to employ someone who has both the chutzpah and the experience to give their views of their business leadership honestly, and without concern for their livelihood. The WWE needs to employ Gerry Robinson, or someone like him. The WWE needs someone who can confront the McMahon family with their ineptitude, and suggest that it's time that they move aside. The WWE needs quality management, professional people with in depth knowledge of the unique business of wrestling. With the McMahon family at the helm, the fate of the WWE is in the hands of a personality cult. It's time for them to drink their Kool-Aid.
Chris Sharp : London, UK, Twenty Five Years of Age.
And that does it for our final preview of the RantWars finals! In the next several days, you the 411Mania reader will be making the decision as to who you want to see write for the greatest opinion site on the internet. Will it be Chris Sharp or Shane Harrison? YOU be the judge in a short few days for the RantWars Finals! Until then, I'm Jay Bower saying thank you and goodnight.
