The 411Mania News-Center! 07.06.03
Posted by Jay Bower on 07.06.2003
News on Piper, Hogan, Trish, Roster Additions, Goldust, HHH comics and even OTHER STUFF! Join me.
The 411Mania News-Center
~07.05.03~
With: Jay Bower
Hey there and welcome back to yet another edition of the column that is quietly becoming YOUR seventh favorite weekly news update here on this fine site, The 411Mania News-Center. I'm Jay Bower and as usual, I'm hidden away here on a day that the staff jokingly likes to call "No-traffic Sundays" due partially to the slow nature of breaking news on the weekends, but mostly thanks to my involvement. Though tucked away on Sundays like the French Maid costumes hidden in the back of Widro and Ash's closets, I will NOT let it stop me from delivering one more column for all of the dropping pins and churping crickets in internet-wrestling land, so forge ahead we will my friends.
Well, I hope all of you wacky kids are having a great Sunday, dressing up as Wild Pegasus and sacrificing Billy Gunn action figures on home-made alters or whatever it is you like to do. I also hope that most of you had a tremendous holiday weekend, aside from readers in Kansas, South Dakota and Maine whom I hope had dreadful, depressing Independence Days.
"Hey Jay, how was your weekend" asks a young face in the crowd. It was tremendous, thanks for asking. I believe Pathogarious may have come up with the formula that states (A)lcohol + (E)xplosives = (G)ood(T)imes³, and how correct he was. After some damn good barbeque, a few cases of beer and enough Yaeger bombs to subdue an elephant, I ended up dangling from a second floor balcony to avoid shrapnel from the Roman Candle some prankster put on the charcoal grill. Though I don't remember the fall, I hear it was pretty spectacular.
Well, now that debauchery and chicanery have left town, we can now move in to all of the weekend's breaking news. So, who's ready to see Jay turn three uninteresting newsbits and a WWE.com Heat preview into 8,000 words? Well then, let's put on our colorful luchador masks and do a collective tope' suicida into the overflowing stack of today's news shall we...
Bower's Bits:
According to Dave Meltzer, Goldust will miss be missing house shows this weekend in addition to Raw on Monday due to jury duty. Goldust can miss as few as two days or as many as several weeks of action, depending on how long it takes Triple H to tell the judge what the verdict will be. Elsewhere, That Slippery Levesque was seen signing Chris Jericho, Goldberg, Booker T, Rob Van Dam and Steve Austin up for Jury Duty as well, filling in the "date available" line with "A night they're scheduled to pin me". Lord he's slippery.
When reached for comments about his son's impending day in court, Dusty Rhodes said "Not now, I'm being milked".
Recently, talks have heated up that Seven and Travis Bane will be the next duo to be called up to World Wrestling Entertainment television. Rumor has it Bane will change his name to Six and the two will form a duo tentatively called "Equals Thirteen", or perhaps "The Arithmetic Express".
Travis Bane is 6'6", 290 with less than two years of total professional wrestling experience to his name. With a bald head and tattoos covering his entire upper body, Bane looks like a cross between Batista and Scott Ian from Anthrax and is said to wrestle like a cross between Nathan Jones and Norman the Lunatic. I have never seen him in the ring so I cannot comment however. Seven on the other hand has four years of formal wrestling experience and is a long time friend of Edge. At 6'5", 275lbs, Seven looks like a cross between Jack Black and Jim Neidhart wearing a pair of hand-me-down tights from High Voltage. Seven lists his favorite food as meat. Again, I haven't seen Seven wrestler either but I hear he is about the norm for a guy of his size in World Wrestling Entertainment. While no word has been given as to which roster the large duo is headed to, both tag divisions are so lacking right now that another team with a few weeks of vignettes leading in to their debut (See Basham Brothers and Orlando Jordan as the way not to introduce someone) would be a welcome addition.
In a matter which was presented way too matter-of-factly on the Internet, Hulk Hogan was seen having dinner with Suge Knight recently. For those who don't know, Suge (pronounced "Shoog" for those of you without rims) is about the most feared man in the world right below only behind the Hussein Brothers during soccer season. I would have given my left arm to hear the conversation a goofball like Hogan had with the former hip-hop mogul, but reports say that it probably had something to do with Hogan's daughter's singing career. This meeting likely occurred at least four days ago as Suge was once again arrested on June 30th for beating the hell out of a parking valet which, crazily enough, counts as parole violation. Geez, before long rape and kidnapping will probably be parole violations too.
While other "sources" are lazy and quickly jump to conclusions, we here at the 411Mania News-Center pride ourselves on stopping at nothing to get the story. Field correspondent The Bully broke in to the Murder Inc. offices and discovered that in attempt to further harden the ruthless image that Ja Rule and Ashanti are bringing to the label, Hulk Hogan is working on the hip-hop album "Bling Bling BROTHER" and employing Suge as a consultant.
Hogan claimed that he is making as much money for the album as he would have in "Three, maybe four Smackdown appearances". In all seriousness, Hogan really proved his true colors when he walked away from the sport of wrestling despite being in the middle of a huge angle and working with a handicapped fan who he himself inspired to become a professional wrestler. Hogan isn't in it for the fans and the younger wrestlers, he's in it for the money and to hog the spotlight a little more according to everything that he said in recent interviews about his low paydays and mistreatment as "just another wrestler". I supported you Hulk, I cheered for you and defended you when others weren't, so from the bottom of my heart, fuck you too. If you can be making so much more money in Japan, fine, just don't expect me to support you when you come running back to Vince just in time for Wrestlemania XX.
Those curious as to what Hogan's daughter looks like can click here. The poor girl looks eerily like Daddy.
As if Rowdy Roddy Piper hasn't buried himself quite enough in the last few weeks, he is now advertising an Owen Hart Tribute on his personal website. The only problem? The Raw is Owen and Nitro memorial match that he plans on posting are both WWE copyrighted material. I wonder if "the sickness" holds up in court?
Last week, Trish Stratus walked in to Cracker Barrel and ordered coffee and toast. TrishStratus.com reports that last week, Trish ate neither coffee nor toast and that all wrestlers must clear their breakfast selections through the office before eating. Consider Me Corrected.
In good news, it appears as though WWE actually does have big plans for Lance Storm according to the newest edition of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Lance is in line for a huge push soon and WWE is hoping that the "boring" gimmick works in the same manor as the "You Suck" gimmick that got Team Angle and before them Kurt Angle so over with fans.
4 More Things to Love about this Week's Television:
Victoria: It's no secret to those of you who read my weekly Raw review that I, Jay Bower, am in love with Victoria. She is by far the hottest female wrestler on the roster today and she is amongst the best workers as well. This Monday, World Wrestling Entertainment presented a very unique women's title match. I like broads, and I like Battle Royals, so the additive theory tells me that a woman's battle royal might not be too bad.
Well, I was a little off on that theory as the match wasn't very spectacular. However, it could have been much worse if Victoria wouldn't have worked her ass off and carried six other women on her own. Victoria was on fire and every single crowd reaction and impressive move was somehow related to her. "Critics" make Jazz out to be the best female in WWE, but my money's on Victoria. Maybe it's time that I finally accepted the fact that Chris Benoit will never wear the long, blonde wig and the makeup that I keep chasing after him with and start pursuing Victoria for my workrate fix, she is a hell of a lot prettier.
Gail Kim also debuted in the match after weeks of weird, Matrix-like vignettes. She supposedly has some incredibly innovative offense, it's just a shame she was booked to be beat up for five minutes straight before getting the fluke win.
Zach Gowen: Like him or hate him, you have to respect Zach Gowen. After a horrible string of luck early in life that left him without a leg and recovering from cancer, Zach Gowen made his in ring debut on Smackdown! this week in a moment that will go down with the great moments in Smackdown! history.
Teaming with a puffy haired version of Stephanie McMahon who apparently traded in all of her issues of Glamour for a lifetime subscription to Flex magazine, Gower gave WWE fans just a glimpse of what he was capable of. Thought I will admit to feeling a little uncomfortable watching a one legged man hobble around the ring, Gowen fought with such confidence that it was impossible not to root for him, a reception that culminated in by far the biggest crowd reaction of the night when Gowen hit a moonsault on Big Show for a WWE contract.
I'll be the first to admit that Gowen is too small to compete in the heavyweight division, but once his program with Vince McMahon ends, he can become a very inspiring and money drawing member of the cruiserweight division. For ten years, Zach Gowen lived for his dream of becoming a professional wrestling, and on Thursday night he fulfilled it in a moment many of us will not soon forget.
Nunzio: While the FBI is flopping on all cylinders largely due to the extreme lack of charisma or motivation in Chuck Palumbo and Johnny Stamboli, Nunzio is seldom given the credit that he is due.
On Thursday evening, Nunzio put on an extremely entertaining performance against Rey Mysterio. With good ring skills and a HILARIOUS in ring persona, Nunzio is another wrestler who can help make the cruiserweight division something special. Here's to hoping we'll be seeing more of him on his own in the future.
Low Ki: Ok fine, Low-Ki may not have been part of YOUR weekly wrestling schedule this week, but thanks to a great reader by the name of Albert, he was part of mine. For years I have heard people raving about the Indy scene but never really given it a chance. Now, after watching a few hours of Ring of Honor, I can safely say that I see what they mean.
As much as I love Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerrero and Rob Van Dam, I can honestly say that absolutely nothing stacks up to a match in a small, desolate gym involving any combination of AJ Styles, Paul London, Christopher Daniels and my personal favorite, Low-Ki. The speed, smoothness and innovation that these men incorporate in to their matches is unlike anything that I have ever seen and when I watch them, I see the future of the sport of wrestling.
At the forefront of the future of wrestling, I see Low-Ki. For those of you who haven't seen Low-Ki in action, he is the epitome of a flawless wrestling character. In the ring he is completely unique, moving in the hybrid fashion of Sub-Zero and a praying mantis. His offense is awe-inspiring and the crowd goes absolutely crazy for him in a manor I haven't seen since Sabu burst on to the scene in the early 90's. Though he may be smaller than most current main eventers, with the right push and if he isn't reduced to doing the same three spots every night like Tajiri, RVD and others have become, I could see Low-Ki as a major, major player in World Wrestling Entertainment.
How World Wrestling Entertainment can not sign Low-Ki, Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles to full fledged, non-developmental deals is completely insane in my eyes. With deadweight on the roster like Albert, The Big Bossman, Jackie and others, I can't comprehend how WWE could pass on the future of wrestling for men that they must know will never draw a dime.
This is probably old news for most of you out there, but as a first time viewers, I am now officially hooked on the work of Ring of Honor and the TNA X-Division. Thanks Albert, you've shown me the light!
Goofball Sundays:
Mom always said "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all". What the fuck does she know anyway? Now I really hate to criticize because that's the only trick that all of the lapdogs on the internet seem to know, but sometimes it's just hard to keep one's mouth shut when they come across something that they find to be just horrible on all levels.
Last evening while scouring the internet, I found that something: The Interactive Interview. I'm not sure how many of you have listened to these interviews or visited the website, but Another Leading Site posted a link to one of their more recent interviews so I decided to check it out. What I discovered was sheer horror on all levels. Now I don't know what credentials these lads have, how they manage to pull their interviews or where they operate from, but I do know they have got to be two of the most obnoxious people that I have ever come across. I'll give it to them, their format is cool. Each week, fans post questions in their forums and those questions and those questions only are used in the wrestler interviews. I'll also admit that hosting a radio show is probably a lot harder than one would think, but that is about where the credit ends.
I listened to about twenty seconds of the site's new interview with Francine before becoming insatiably bored and turning it off. Just as my cursor crept towards that "x" labeled square in the upper right hand corner of my window that Bower readers are extremely familiar with, I noticed the following description of one of their previous interviews: "The historically controversial interview with Glenn Gilberti & Jerome Young (New Jack)". Now this interview was so historic, so controversial that I had never even heard of it so I decided to give it a listen. As though the audio were a trainwreck, I listened for thirty minutes in shock. Not shock at how controversial the interviews were, but at how much I came to deplore the voices coming from my speakers and how much these two idiots tried to get themselves over for the duration of the one interview that I heard. Now I tried to leave these guys feedback through their comment form, but it was broken so I felt obligated to you, the internet surfer, to spread the word.
The two clowns in question speak with nasally, condescending voices for the bulk of the show, and the one who does the majority of the interviewing has a habit of not only speaking with the wrestlers as though he were in the locker room with them for the bulk of their careers, but following each and every comment they make with an extremely snide sound effect that sounds a little something like this: "NYYYUMMM".
Now I'll admit that I only listened to two interviews, but if you hype something so trivial as "historical", you're asking for it. I don't want to come off like a poor man's Hyatte just trying to stir the pot, but just listening to these interviews legitimately got my blood boiling. Below is a recap of the forty-five minute interview:
- The show begins with two hosts who we'll call Walter and Chuck bantering about nothing for a few minutes.
- The two reference the wrestling match between Stan Hansen and Bruno Sammartino in which Hansen breaks Bruno's neck in perhaps the most historic wrestling injury of all time. Walter begins stumbling over his words, saying "Yes, yes...I remember the match. Hansen's lariat, it broke, it broke Sammartino's SIDE, broke his side". Chuck jumps in for support saying "Yes, his side was broken, he broke his side". Now I probably make at least one factual error in every single one of my columns, but Sammartino's broken neck was a major deal. More importantly, no matter how hard you try, you just can't break someone's "side".
- Walter (who is 17 according to his bio on the site) calls Konnan a "big idiot" and starts berating his commentating as though Konnan could learn a thing or two from Walter's decades he seems to think that he has in the business.
- Chuck then jumps in and starts talking down about Low-Ki, perhaps the most exciting Independent talent in America. "I'm just not a big fan of Low-Ki" he says, adding in "What's he going to do about it?" or something along those lines when his co-host asks him about it. Add "See Chuck receive the Ki-Krusher on a large bed of glass" to the things I'd like to see before I die list.
- Before long, Glen "Disco" Gilberti joins the show for one of the single worst interviews that I have ever heard. Walter is doing it on his own and the kid seriously throws out a condescending "NYUMMM" after every single word Disco says. The fun begins when the kid asks Disco how he got in to WCW. Disco said that he really didn't have a story, the situation just presented itself. Soon, the kid asked Disco how he got in to booking. Again, Disco said he didn't really have a story, it just kind of happened. Next, the kid asked Disco how he got involved in WWA. Disco, sounding a little more agitated, explained that someone just called him and asked and that he didn't really have much of a story. One would THINK the idiot wouldn't ask Disco how he became involved with TNA wouldn't they? Walter asked anyway and Disco began speaking to the kid like he was the biggest imbecile in the world, a position he was probably right on. The rest of the interview sounded a little something like this:
Walter: What are your memories of __________ .
Disco: Well, I remember _________.
Walter: NYYYYYUMMMMMMMM.
- Mercifully, the interview ended and New Jack came on to the show. New Jack was in total asshole mode, tearing the kid apart from the beginning. Walter asks New Jack how he began watching wrestling to which New Jack replied "On the TV" and started laughing hysterically at the kid for like thirty seconds straight. When asked what his favorite match of all time was, New Jack replied that he didn't have one, but then quickly corrected himself, calling the Mass Transit incident his favorite match ever. (Side Note: Earlier in the show, Chuck made the brilliant comment that New Jack wandered in to the crowd and just randomly attacked Kulas, a statement that is completely errant.) Soon, the kid asked New Jack about John Kronus and New Jack just went off on him, telling him he wouldn't take part in an interview that was meant to knock people. Walter coiled up like a frightened puppy and apologized, trembled through the end of the interview and then immediately began acting like a bad ass as soon as New Jack got off the phone, talking about what a historical and controversial event had just happened.
When New Jack left, one of the hosts said something along the lines of only looking to interview TNA stars whom they felt "were important", acting as if the TNA wrestlers were cat-fighting in the back over the opportunity to be involved in their geeky webcast. This was about the point that I stopped listening to the radio show, honestly my ticker just couldn't take anymore. If you have any sins this Sabbath that you'd like to prove your sorrow for, try making it all the way through one of these. Just don't send me the psychiatrist bill.
Credit: TheInteractiveInterview.com
A Plug, A Plug, My Kingcone for a Plug:
What's new at 411Mania this weekend? Not a hell of a lot! Forgive us as it is a holiday weekend however. That didn't stop John-Peter Trask from stepping off his pirate ship long enough to deliver one HELL of a column on the history of the WWF/WWE World Title though. I can't recommend this column highly enough...or can I? (Jay scales a tree). Check out The WWE World Heavyweight Title: A Complete History.
Mike Cambell may not taste as good as a steaming hot cup of the soup he endorses, but I would go so far as to state that his columns are even BETTER than a hot bowl of bisque. Mike's back with a Ring of Honor review that you simply shouldn't miss.
"Jay you rotton bastard, you promised me all of the quality wrestling columns that I could get my hands on when I exhanged IM's with you late one night, but now you simply aren't providing!" shouts Bernard. Well Bernard, unfortunately for the ladies (wink) I'm only one man, so there is a limit to the amount of columns that I can produce. However, my good friends over at the Wrestling Oratory are like robots. They produce quality column after quality column. John C. has his midyear awards up, Samir has a critically acclaimed new piece up analyzing WWE's racial stereotyping over the years and my main man JT is dropping some sweet love with a Road Warriors shoot interview review. It's also the only place to find my weekly Raw review. Damn Skippy hippy.
My peeps as TheSmartMarks are absolutely kicking all kinds of ass as of late. With a controversial Trish Stratus interview and an awesome staff that was represented big time in the new IWC100, these crazy mothers are on a roll. Bookmark them, you'll be glad that you did.
My old pal Jeff who you may remember from the old ScaryMidgets.com days (WWF Rock n' Wrestling Reviews) recently opened his own blog. He's an entertaining guy. You like entertainment don't you? GO WILLY!
Well, that about does it for us here at the 411Mania News-Center. As always, I hope you had just as much fun reading the column as I had bringing it to your desktop. Look for the RANTWARS FINALS on Tuesday and until next time, take it easy guys, I love you too and for Chris sake, CHECK OUT FLEA!!!
