Hey there and welcome to a very special pre-recorded edition of the 411Mania News-Center. While tapings of the 411Mania News-Center normally occur late, late Saturday evening (usually while mildly to excessively intoxicated), this edition of the News-Center was penned on Thursday afternoon for the most part due to the hectic nature of the weekend ahead of me.
Even though I write this on Thursday, I hope you crazy kids are having a wonderful weekend. It's too early to speculate how my weekend was, but I may have very well injured myself on Friday while helping my roommate move to Valdosta, Georgia, the epitome of the one-horse town and a destination that appears to have been thrown into a blender with a few tornados and a time capsule from the late nineteenth century. If I miraculously didn't cripple myself on Friday, Saturday was even more dangerous with an ex-girlfriend coming in to town to spend a few days. It's a situation slightly more volatile than a uranium and fireball pita, so I'll need all the luck I can get. Assuming I live until Sunday, as you read this I am in Jacksonville, Florida for the Vans Warped Tour warming up my steppin' shoes for AFI, Brand New, Yellowcard, Matchbook Romance, The Dropkick Murphys, LTJ, Thrice, Story of the Year and a ton of other great bands that will surely make myself, Ken Anderson and friends "drop it like it's hot". If you don't hear from me next Sunday, send out a search & rescue party.
Before we begin, I would like to send a quick apology out to the fine folks at AshRanch.com, specifically their president and other members. A few months back I made comments in jest about them as part of a story on a Kane petition floating around the internet and just in case you didn't sense the sarcasm, remarks made about the owner and members weren't factual. The President of the site does NOT masturbate to Kane fan fiction and in fact probably does that kind of thing at WWEDivas.com like the rest of us. They're actually pretty nice kids who run a good site so if you like the push Kane has been getting, do yourself a favor and check the site out.
Well, now that we have all of that pre-column jibber jabber out of the way, who's ready to dive head first in to all of the weekend's news! "We are Jay!" shout my adoring following. Well then, this may not be the column for you guys. However, I do have some interesting and unique first run fun for you to feast your beady little on so forge ahead we will.
August 1, 2003...The Madness Returns:
The Bower & Anderson Connection is Back from the Grave,
The Bower & Burgan Cartoon Showcase! (Something New)
In its third week of existence, The Bower n' Burgan Cartoon Showcase has officially overtaken sliced bread as the best thing going today. The world is talking. They aren't talking about weapons of mass destruction, waning economic conditions or Lance Armstrong. CARTOONS are the chatter around water coolers, lunchrooms and ball fields spanning the globe.
Asians slap each other's knees, asking how Derek Burgan can possibly be so witty and humorous. Canadians chuckle at Jay Bower's newest offering while frantically beating each other about the head and upper torso with hockey sticks. Unholy war has been waged on the Dakota border where the North, a Burgan stronghold, has vowed bloody euthanasia on the Bower supporters of the South. When asked how Mt. Rushmore fit in to all of this, Dakotians said "Who cares about a mountain, this is about CARTOONS!".
If Derek and I knew the kind of world havoc these crude drawings would end up creating, we may have thought twice about this project, but in too deep we are, so bring on THE CARTOONS!
What new surprises can Cheap Pops possibly come up with next?
Will That Slippery Levesque ever get what he has coming to him?
Will our unlikely duo and their contagiously hilarious cartoons
ultimately bring about the untimely end of the universe as we know it?
Tune in next week...
Same Burgan time, Same Bower channel .
If I Could be Serious for a Minute.
Those of you who have followed my writing since the Smarks.com days know that I used to be a halfway decent writer when I put my mind to it and didn't have to resort to cheap sight gags and endless banter to maintain some semblance of a reader base. Well, times have certainly changed haven't they? While I like my current style because it's a lot more fun to write than long winded diatribes about topics that have already been beaten to death by dozens of other peanut heads scattered about the internet, I currently moonlight as a quasi-columnist over at The Pro-Wrestling Oratory where you'll find one of the finest non-411 writing staffs around.
Recently, we did a column that featured the entire staff talking about the importance of titles and their favorite title matches of all time, an excellent two-part read that I'm positive you would love. This column posted about two weeks ago, but in desperate need of a little more space filler before I take things home, I give to you something borrowed from the fine folks at the Oratory, my 1500 words on the topic warning against the perils that come along with the glory of a major title...
When the Title Means Everything
By Jay Bower
Throughout the illustrious history of the sport of professional wrestling, many territories have played host to some of the most memorable title matches of all time. Though not the most influential or interesting destinations to the common man, locations such as St. Louis, Memphis, Portland, Minneapolis, Oklahoma, Florida and Louisiana are still haunted by the blood, the sweat and the tears of the men that made the sport of wrestling what it is today.
Whether it was Don Owen in the Pacific Northwest, Fritz Von Erich in Dallas, Sam Muchnick promoting at the famed Kiel Auditorium or Jim Crocket Sr. running the Mid-Atlantic, the foundation of selling out houses was always the champion. What made this man "the champion"? Why should the fan believe that this grappler was better than any other "hooker" in the promotion? The answer is simple: The title.
Though this prop is cheaper than the pyrotechnics that welcome wrestlers to the arena today, the enormous steel cages that encompass the ring or the mandatory vehicle that must be destroyed on WWE television every few months, it has drawn more money than any other human or inanimate object in wrestling history.
The championship belt and the honor of being able to claim oneself the best in the area until someone took it away and proved otherwise is the cornerstone of logic in the world of wrestling. Without it, we would just tell the two ordinary men before us who are bickering over necrophilia, spilled coffee, stolen medals or some other trivial grudge to simply "get over it". However, in a promotion with countless wrestlers and only one "king of the hill", intrigue is always present.
Though history of the NWA world title is foggy, evidence exists that links the championship back to the mid-to-late Nineteenth Century where former State Champion (and 16th President) Abraham Lincoln was believed to have possibly laid claim to some form of the championship. At the turn of the century, legendary wrestlers Frank Gotch and George Hackenschmidt put on the biggest American wrestling matches to date, working a nearly three hour bout in Chicago that saw Gotch go over after reportedly shooting. The rematch drew 30,000 fans to Commisky park in 1908, bringing in what the time was a record gate and seeing Gotch win again after paying off Hackenschmidt's trainer to injure his knee during a practice session. This behavior set an early tone for the curse that would come with wearing a title.
The champion and his belt were so important to promoters from the 30's through the 80's that a large deposit was required from a wrestler before he was awarded the title. This deposit ($20,000 normally during the 70's and 80's) served as means to ensure that the champion worked towards the good of the territory, not himself. A champion taking his title to another promotion and not returning or being paid off to do an unauthorized job would provide an enormous black eye to the promoter, so some form of collateral was necessary.
Although a large portion of a champion's pay was always kicked back to the NWA, from the early 20's until the mid 80's, possessing a high profile title meant instant riches. However, with this good fortune came immense danger. During the early outlaw days of professional wrestling, match outcomes were determined ahead of time just as they are today. However, the aura of success and wealth that came with a title occasionally led to rogue challengers shooting on champions, attempting to take the championship. If the challenger was victorious, as Stanislaus Zbyszko was in the mid 1920's forcibly overtaking Wayne Munn, then the territory would have no option but to recognize the title change.
Another form of danger champions faced came not from their opponents, but from hired hands of other promoters paid to badly injure a champion who was costing another territory business. While this insanity seems like something that would have died off in the 40's and 50's, the last recognized occurrence happened as recently as 1985 when Verne Gagne -still bitter over Hogan leaving the AWA due to merchandising disputes amongst other things-- reportedly offered Bruiser Brody somewhere between $20,000 and $100,000 to jump the ringside barrier at Wrestlemania and break Hulk Hogan's leg.
While titles have always had a charming magic, in no other area during our sports evolution was that fact more obvious than Texas. Whether under the banner of the National Wrestling Alliance, World Class Championship Wrestling or USWA Dallas, title changes within the state of Texas read like an informational brochure for the Wrestling Hall of Fame.
During the 1940's, the legendary Lou Thesz and the great Buddy Rogers did battle over the Texas Heavyweight Championship, wearing the belt a total of seven times between themselves. In the 1950's, legends such as Verne Gagne, Pepper Gomez, Gene Kininski, Boris Malenko and Johnny Valentine spilled blood for the right to hold the very same title. As the 1960's came, so did Wahoo McDaniel and the 70's ushered in Texas Champions such as John "The Coach" Tolos, Jimmy Snuka and Jose Lothario.
It was the 80's however that saw Texas wrestling become one of the most successful territories of all time. The Von Erichs were becoming a Beatles-level phenomenon in the state of Texas, but the love that the fans had for the babyfaced family was far from the fan sentiment that father Jack Adkisson (Fritz Von Erich) received earlier in his career. During the 1950's, Jack Adkisson became Fritz Von Erich and adapted a Nazi character to ride the wave of anti German sentiment sweeping America post World War II. Adorned with German swastikas, metal crosses and a Nazi swagger, Fritz became one of the most successful heels of the time period, going on to hold twenty-three titles including the National Wrestling Alliance heavyweight title and the AWA World Title.
Though he would eventually go on to become one of the most beloved wrestlers in Texas history, Jack Adkisson was a promoter at heart. Jack had a vision for the future of wrestling in the Lonestar State, and that vision saw his family leading the way with son David Von Erich being groomed for the world title at a very young age. Unfortunately, David would never see the title that his father was preparing him for. In 1984 while in Tokyo, Japan, David died of intestinal inflammation. His death was a nationwide headline and the state of Texas was crushed. ESPN carried the funeral and in somber irony to this topic, "Heaven Needed a Champion" rang through the thousands of weeping friends and fans as the 25 year old legend was lowered in to the ground. While the Von Erich family had also lost oldest son Jack Adkisson Jr. at the age of seven when he was electrocuted by a high-voltage fence on the family farm, this time the state of Texas was crying along with them.
While historians timelessly debate the role Fritz Von Erich may or may not have had in pushing his sons too hard in to such a heartless business, the unofficial motto of wrestling applied shortly after David's death in 1984: "The show must go on". On May 6, 1984, Texas Stadium played host to one of the most emotional nights in professional wrestling history. In the midst of a feud that will go down as the greatest the Texas territory ever saw, Fritz Von Erich came out of retirement to team with his sons Mike and Kevin and defeated the Freebirds for the World Six Man Tag Titles. However, the evening's final match would see the one of the most historic events in modern wrestling history unfold.
Kerry Von Erich, in tribute to his late brother David, met Ric Flair for the NWA World Title in front of 43,157 fans. Twenty-five minutes in to the 1984 Match of the Year, Kerry Von Erich pinned Ric Flair with a backslide to win the World Heavyweight Title. As Chris Von Erich watched on, his father Fritz and brothers Kerry, Mike and Kevin celebrated victory. Their loved one was dead, but this evening would serve as reconciliation because in memory of David, the titles were theirs and the family who would surely rule wrestling for decades to come had arrived.
Within a few short years, the entire family but Kevin was dead. From suicide to drug overdoses to freak medical conditions, the Von Erich's are living proof that title's don't always equal glory.
Texas wrestling died in unison with the Von Erich legacy. Once a mecca of the wrestling world, the territory had seen its most immortal champions slip away from this world in front of their very eyes. If a champion could crumble so easily, anything surely could. While the USWA Dallas, the GWF and other promotions would attempt to rekindle the fire that once resided in Texas, the damage had been done and to fans, the title was the worst thing it possibly could be: nothing but a cheap leather strap with some fools gold attached.
In closing I say this: Yes, the title is the gravity that keeps the world of wrestling grounded. However, one must remember that it is only a prop which resides in the world of fiction. When one begins to take the title too seriously, bad things happen. Loyal company men are screwed over, bones are broken, bodies are pushed past the limits of sanity, men with broken necks are allowed to wrestle and legacies are destroyed. In these cases, I guess the title truly is worth everything.
Bower's 11: (Something Old)
Earlier in the week, I put together a table charting each and every member of the WWE roster by brand and revealing which brand has the brightest potential future. Then I compared two brands and the results were so mind boggling that I knew I just HAD to share them with you, the devoted Bowerholics. However, I quickly jobbed to html as I tried literally EVERYTHING under the sun to make my table work, but each time I went to preview my creating in the 411Mania HTML testing area, the damn machine inserted 8 blank pages of empty space before the table began. The concept needed a little bit more tweaking anyway, but if anyone has any idea why this is happening, please drop me a line.
Because of this vacancy in this column which is already falling apart before your very eyes, I decided to throw something old in. About two months ago I promised this jewel in the teaser for my update and much to the chagrin of the one guy who actually noticed, I forgot to put it in my column. Well, who says that life doesn't give us second chances! I present to you The Bower's 11 Screenplay!
Bower's 11
Recently, as many of you know, security within the United States has been tighter than at any point dating back to World War II. While some establishments have tightened protection more than others, one destination in particular has implemented security measures the likes of which are only seen elsewhere in nuclear silos and the national treasury. This previously public location has in a matter of days become the most difficult area to enter in North America. Artificial barriers, entry restrictions, population control, intricate security devices and a members only access panel are a few of the obstacles that we will have to overcome in order to obtain the treasure of unmistakable value hidden within. Men, fellow readers, this location is 1Wrestling.com.
The Mission: 1) To follow a map stolen from the back cover of Tommy Fierro's coloring book that leads to the core of 1Wrestling.com 2)Carefully maneuver through the security panel with minimal casualties 3)Obtain all the days news for the Smarks News-Center 4)Escape unscathed without detection.
The Obstacles: Restricted Entry, limited access to the location without membership card, a white gate that says "server is busy", and an unlimited army of pop ups.
The Team: I have searched long and hard to find ten other brave and ambitious men whom I can trust to accompany me on this life-endangering mission. These men must all be cunning, intelligent, capable of formulating their own plans and ideas, and most importantly to our success or failure, must have at least 50,000 words published on the state of professional wrestling in 1987. The Team of eleven men is made up of the best of the best.
Jay Bower: fearless leader who is the most interested in the treasure of success, the sweet wrestling news ---Ken Anderson: Brother of Jay, hopeless romantic and marathon columnist ---Justin Baisden: Level Headed Canadian who is an expert on all things Japanese-- Scott Keith: Accomplished columnist who can make or break team morale with the addition or subtraction of one of his trademark * 's ---Widro & Ashish: Technical wizards with extreme lack of tolerance for surprises and faulty html --Denny Burkholder: Wrestling journeyman with a mental encyclopedia of wrestling knowledge ---CRZ: A stickler for detail who will report every last detail of our journey back to headquarters ---Don Becker: The token engaged-to-be-married member of Bower's 11 who has developed an immunity to nagging that is crucial to our success --- Rick Scaia: Mild mannered optimist --- Jeremy Botter: Computer systems operator and lead commander at Smarks Headquarters.
Saturday July 27th, 2002...23:00 Hours
Men, we have all gathered here this evening for one reason, the quest to make ourselves the "smartest" eleven men on the planet with the information hidden deep within the vault of 1Wrestling.com. If anyone wants to back out, now is the time. Once the mission begins, there is no retreat and no way out until we have claimed our prize --insider information and the funds within the premium area vault --which we will split 11 ways between us.
Jeremy, please bring up the map of the 1Wrestling.com passageways that you scanned into the computer and rendered three-dimensionally. Men, I am not going to lie to you, this mission is dangerous. Once we get past the front gate, something that many believe to be impossible, we will be attacked on all sides by a pop-up army that is meticulously trained to disillusion, crash systems, and obscure your line of vision. We must also contest with high security, multiple passageways, deceptive door labels and near impossibility to gain access to the information.
Dress covertly and never let those within 1Wrestling.com know that we are here to represent our own sites. We wll return to our rooms, acquire our supplies and meet back here in 5 minutes gentlemen, God be with us.
(Inside Ken Anderson's Room at the Base): Rinnnnng, Rinnnnng, Rinnnnng. "Hello?"..."Hey Ken, it's your girlfriend Teri, I hope I'm not interrupting anything important, but I was wondering if you could come help me take the shiny silver foil off of my piece of gum. Would that be..." (Anderson throws the phone down, throws his clothing into his bag and sprints out of the headquarters never to return).
(Five Minutes Later): Men, we have lost Anderson, unfortunately we will now have to undertake this mission as a ten man team and each pick up a little bit more of the load. Wait a moment, I only count nine men, who else are we missing. (Scaia) "CRZ sir". God damnit, wait here men, I am going to go get to the bottom of this.
(Jay Bower walks into CRZ's bedroom to find it pitch black with nobody within. The only clue, a handwritten note on the table that says "Good night")
Two down, nine to go men. Anderson and Z, they were good men, but the mission must move on. Jeremy, you know what to do, we will need your guidance from headquarters in order to ensure our success on this mission. Widro and Ashish, we will also need your technical expertise on site to assist us in overcoming the binary obstacles ahead of us. Are you ready men? (Denny) "Check". (Scott) "Ready". (Scaia) "Ready". (Baisden) "Set". (Becker) "Good to go". (Widro) "Ready". (Ash) "Set". (Botter) "We're set".
Alright men, lets load into the two vans waiting for us outside. The black van is for those of us working for the Smarks team, and the hot pink van is for everyone else. Scott, Don, Justin, Denny and I will board the black van and....(CRZ and Ken Anderson come sprinting out of the headquarters). Welcome back men, you'll be riding in the flamingo pink van with Widro, Ashish, and Rick Scaia.
(Inside the Black Van on the way to 1Wrestling.com) - (Scott Kieth) "This Toyota is riding extremely rough, this van ride gets *1/4 from me." (Justin Baisden) "SHUT UP! This van is made in the same country that brought us the Super J Cup." (Denny) "You know, Circa 1981 vans were far from the luxury rides that they are tod..."(Don Becker) "For Christ's sake, CAN IT Burkholder. And who the hell is this Bower guy in charge anyway? Did he write for Wrestleline?". (Denny) "Nope, what about for Rantsylvania?". (Scott) "Nope", maybe nWWWo?". (Becker) "Nope. Did he ever do any work for Rolling Germans Justin?". (Baisden) "Nope, well you SHOULD know where he came from Scott, you hired him." (Scott) "I didn't hire him, he must have just figured out the posting URL and never left". Guys, GUYS, this isn't what is important, what is important is the mission ahead. Now here is the game plan...
(Camera Switches to the inside of the hot pink van) - (Widro) "So CRZ, where did you go when you dissappeared for a few days". (CRZ) " ". (Ashish) "No really CRZ, where did you go?". (CRZ) " ". (Rick Scaia) "Who wants to hear what I like about this van trip!?!?". (Ken Anderson) "Not I, Who wants to hear..
Ken's phone rings, curious, he looks down on his called ID to see his girlfriend's name.(Teri) "Ken, Ken, I hope you aren't busy, I was just wondering if you could maybe help me out with something. The ice in my water has partially melted and I fear that if two more cubes aren't added soon, it could very well reach room temperature. Would you min... (Ken opens the van window and dives out of it while we are traveling 65 miles per hour. Upon hitting the ground, ken breaks into a full sprint towards Teri's apartment. (Widro, Ashish, Scaia & CRZ) Shake heads in unison.
(Widro's cell phone rings). "Yes Jay?". Widro, we are within 500 feet of the 1Wrestling.com headquarters, let's park the vans and walk so that we can move in as quietly as possible.
(The Smarks team and the non-Smarks team reunite behind a large bolder and exchange friendly hugs). We covered strategy on the way over in the Black Van, what did we miss on your end CRZ? (CRZ) "We entered the van, Rick, then me, then Ashish, then Widro then Ken. Rick sat in the front seat and slightly reclined his seat before deciding on a more upright position. Rick's arm moved on and off of the armrest before eventually deciding to fold his hands and place them on his lap. His sequence of breathing was 'puff-puff-pause-puff-pause" something altering it to 'puff-pause-puff-puff-pause'. Anderson slightly brushed his hand through his hair...". Ok, that's enough for now, thanks CRZ.
Men, cast your eyes on the demon that awaits us, 1Wrestling.com...
Men, no one said that this was going to be easy. It appears as though the white drawbridge is up. This makes it almost impossible to even access the infastructure of 1Wrestling.com. Widro, Ashish, this is where you come in. Widro, I have a surprise for you. (Widro) "GOD DAMNIT JAY, I HATE SURPRISES!" Relax, relax Widro, the surprise is a speedy new laptop that will make it easier for you to break in to the system.
Men, let's cover our technicians while they attempt to lower the drawbridge. Keep a close eye on each other and beware of the dangerous pop-up army who can sometimes appear even before the drawbridge lowers.
(After several hours of toying with the code, Widro manages to crack the code that will allow an unlimited amount of traffic past the 1Wrestling.com drawbridge.)
(Widro): "All Right men, when I push 'enter' on the keypad, the drawbridge will lower. Do nothing suspicious and we should be able to freely begin accessing the bottom floor of 1Wrestling.com."
Be prepared my friends, the lowering of the drawbridge means that we are no longer immune to the pop-up army that awaits us ahead. They WILL attack when Widro pushes the enter button, so be alert and watch out for your fellow team members. And remember, even when faced with insurmountable attacks, we can not reveal that we are seeking the treasures within to glorify our own sites.
(Ken Anderson comes walking up the path and rejoins Bower's 11).
Alright Widro, push the button...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, HOLD ON MEN, HERE THEY COME!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(The Pop Up army flies towards the members of Bower's 11, knocking Justin Baisden off of his feet and sending Denny Burkholder flying into the air. Widro & Ashish remove their trench coats in order to allow them to run faster).
Widro, Ashish, NOOOOOO!!! PUT YOUR TRENCH COATS BACK ON, NOWWW!!!
(The Pop up army hovers over the heads of Widro and Ashish, noticing both men wearing 411 Wrestling bucket hats, t-shirts, gym shorts and shoulder bags with 411Wrestling beverage mugs in hand. Noticing that something is horribly wrong the blinking demonically, the ads swoop to the ground, lock up Widro and Ashish and make the two men the first casualties of the dangerous mission).
Men, we have suffered our first blow, but we must be strong and forge ahead.
We have now entered the first level of the website men. Let's break in to two teams. Justin, Scott and Denny, you come with me. Don, take Rick, CRZ and Ken with you to the high security second floor. Jeremy Botter will tap in to the system from headquarters and do his best to grant you access to the high security zone. From there you will steal the funds within the members only vault. My men and I will round up all of the news and meet you back outside in ten minutes. Be brave men, for soon we will be all be reaping the rewards of this mission.
(Ken's cell phone rings). (Teri) "Hey Ken, I hope I am not catching you in the middle of anything. You see, I don't really like red M&M's, they just don't taste as good as the rest. I was wondering if you could come over here and sort through..." (Ken sprints out of the base as quickly as he can).
(Jay and his team head towards the most recent addition to the 1Wrestling lower level, bravely fighting off the pop up army. After rounding a corner, the team comes to a fork in the road).
(Jay gets on his communication device and tried to contact Botter). Jeremy, Jeremy??? This is not something that we expected. This door was labeled "Raw Ratings Area" on the map and we have entered it. We now see eighteen more doors, labeled [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7], [8], [9], [10], [11], [12], [13], [14], [15], [16], [17], and [18]. What do we do Jeremy? (Botter): "You are going to have to try them Jay, it's a common strategy for the facility. Beware team, dangerous pop ups lie behind every door!".
Alright Men, I'll take five doors, Justin, you take five, and four for Scott and Denny. Let's get these sons'of' bitches opened. (Justin begins throwing his doors open, connecting with Shining Wizards on attacking pop ups. Scott threatens to read passages to the pop ups from his earlier rants and they quickly scour. Finally, all of the doors have been opened except for one. Justin slowly cracks the door to discover the glorious wrestling news and pockets the sweet relic as the team begins to run towards the entrance).
You ok Scott? (Keith) "10-4". You Justin? (Baisden) "Yeah, I'm fine man". Denny?....Denny??? DENNNNY NOOOOOO!!!
(In the back corner of the room, a glowing, floating pop up ad is hovering over Denny who is gazing up as if he was entranced. Denny's eyes are set on the ad). Denny, NO, LOOK AWAY!!! What does that say Scott? What does the ad say? OH GOD! (The message turns to reveal "You have 1 new message waiting for you"). NO DENNY, NO DON'T! (Denny, with eyes growing wider by the second, gives in and he lunges his arm forward to retrieve the message that awaits him. The pop up devours Denny as the team suffers yet another casualty).
Scott, Justin, let's get the hell out of here, the other men should be almost done now.
(Meanwhile, our other heroic team have broken into the members only second level of 1Wrestling.com to discover a virtual ghost town. Without the pop up army running rampant on the second floor, the men have relatively no problem accessing the vault.)
(CRZ): So Don, what was in the safe, how many millions each are we talking here!!!
(Don): 2.34....
(Ric Scaia): 2.34 Million dollars?
(Don): Um, No. 2.34...dollars...total. Come on guys, let's get the hell out of here.
(The six remaining members of the team meet outside, congratulate each other and share a moment of silence for their fallen friends. Jeremy Botter makes contact on the radio, asking for a recap of the final events of the trip. Scott Keith begins informing Botter of the happenings before CRZ snaps, claming that Scott is giving more of a rant and less of a recap. CRZ picks Scott up by the ankles and begins violently shaking him, causing dozens of loose stars to fall from Scott's pockets. Justin Baisden, a college student who is always seeing his star budget spent too quickly, grabs them up, jumps in one of the vans and speeds away towards Rolling Germans. CRZ and Keith eventually knock each other out, leaving Jay, Don and Rick Scaia standing alone).
Hey Don, what should we do with the $2.34? (Don Becker): "I don't know, Ask the Rick".
Rick, what should we do with the $2.34
(Scaia and Becker look at each other, disgusted with being dragged on such a ridiculous mission, and grab the booty out of my hand before shoving Jay over, stealing the van keys and leaving him in the middle of nowhere.)
And THAT my loyal reader, is what I go through to bring you, YES YOU, all of the latest news in the world of professional wrestling.
Well there you have it, another edition of the 411Mania News-Center in the books. Once again, I apologize for the lack of news or plugs in this column, but they both would have been outdated by the time you actually set your eyes on this mediocre edition of what is normally THE best Sunday news update that 411Mania offers. Thanks as always for spending some time with me on this lovely Summer Sunday and I'll see you next week with an all new regular-sized edition of the gift that keeps on giving, The 411Mania News-Center! Until then, take it easy guys and don't forget to bookmark Scotsmanality.com and keep an eye out for the return of The Bower & Anderson Connection!
