The 411Mania News-Center! 8.03.03
Posted by Jay Bower on 08.03.2003
Doghouse Dragon, Champ shoots, WWE Protest, Chyna, Luger, Cartoons...Come on in...
ic
The 411Mania News-Center
In Meltzer We Trust.
~08.03.03~
With: Jay Bower
Hey there Walter and welcome back to yet another edition of the 411Mania News-Center, the gift that keeps on giving. Unfortunately for my ashamed parents, I'm still Jay Bower and I hope that you kids are having a wonderful weekend.
One busy Internet Wrestling Celebrity® I have been as of late as Ken Anderson and myself have been running Scotsmanality.com for several days and are slated to continue doing so until August 14th. If horrible train wrecks are the kinds of things that you enjoy viewing in your spare time, I would suggest taking a trip over as Ken and I are about as popular in those parts as Shawn Michaels in Montreal. The carnage is making for a pretty entertaining read I've been told however so check it out.
Well, we have an absolute ton of news, fun and other shenanigans to endure this week so move ahead we will my fine followers. Off we go!
Bower's Bits:
Last evening, Kevin Nash was pulled off of a WWE Australian house show after fainting while signing autographs in a hotel lobby. While it has yet to be confirmed, Nash may have caught a glimpse of his Judgment Day match playing on the lobby big screen at the time of the incident. Others reported that Nash was simply doing what has become known in the Raw locker room as the "Babyface Flop", a movement that consists of dropping to the ground and playing dead whenever HHH enters the room in order to avoid doing an impromptu job. Injuries are never a laughing matter so here's to hoping Big Silver will fully recover from whatever it was that made
According to the latest edition of the Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, That Slippery Levesque now has more behind the scenes influence than even Vince's own son Shane. The newsletter goes on to state that while McMahon often lets Shane's ideas and suggestions go in one ear and out the other, The H's ideas are always listened closely to and usually agreed with and used. Amongst these ideas: Triple H defeating Kane, Triple H beating Kevin Nash, Triple H beating Booker T, Triple H beating Scott Steiner, Triple H beating Shawn Michaels, Triple H beating Rob Van Dam, Triple H beating Maven, Triple H beating Ric Flair, Triple H beating The Hurricane and Triple H beating Spike Dudley. When 411Mania News-Center Correspondent The Bully reached Vince McMahon for comment, he snarled "How can I take his ideas seriously when he tells them to me while dancing?".
Also from the Torch Newsletter with supporting information from 1Wrestling.com, it appears as though Vince McMahon has already grown sour with The Ultimo Dragon, explaining his abundance of non-televised matches as of late. Vince McMahon doesn't approve of Dragon's style, feeling as though it is too light and not realistic enough. Apparently Vince McMahon must have not paid very much attention to the Dragon's other two-thousand matches during the course of his career before signing him, but the Ultimo Dragon vs. Rey Mysterio dream match is no longer on for SummerSlam as Billy Kidman vs. Rey Mysterio has been penciled in to replace it.
In the washed up celebrities filing lawsuits department, former WCW tag team champion Maxx Payne --best known for hardcore matches with Cactus Jack against the Nasty Boys that were five years ahead of their time-- has filed a ten million dollar lawsuit against RockStar Games for their marketing and use of his name in the hit game "Max Payne". RockStar games, obviously worried beyond belief, refrained from public comment. While I am vehemently against frivolous lawsuits by deadbeats looking to latch on to someone else's wallet, it IS hard to play an Xbox game about an undercover New York City cop and NOT think about Clash of the Champions 24. When reached for comment on the impending lawsuit, Payne said "Grunt...Grunt...Sue...Buy T-Bones...Grunt".
According to the Honky Tonk Man's official website, sources close to the former Intercontinental Champion tell him that Lex Luger is in high spirits and not in the least bit worried about the drug possession charges currently filed against him as he claims to have prescriptions for most of his drugs. According to sources of the 411Mania News-Center, Lex Luger was eating a pill sandwich with extra pill sauce when making these comments.
In a sad day for man-womankind, the official website of Joanie "Chyna" Lauer has officially closed with no forwarding address. With a waning economy, the job market for unisexual bodybuilders-turned-wrestlers-turned-nude-models-turned-actresses-turned-fitness-whores is at an all time low. Best of luck in the future to what's-her-name.
For those in suspense wondering when exactly "The New TNN" (formerly The National Network and The Nashville Network which were apparently "The Old TNN") will become SpikeTv, the date has officially been set as Monday August 11th, no doubt because the network wants its biggest show (Raw) to bring in a substantial amount of viewers for the change over. In a recent press release, a top SpikeTv executive --who is obviously a carryover from the old Monster Truck and saloon dancing Nashville Network-- claimed "Men all across this nation should feel empowered to leave the toilet seat up". SpikeTv will be airing the year end GQ Awards, an event they claim will "Put the GUY in GQ". Don't think too hard, it didn't make sense to me either. No word as of press time as to whether the new SpikeTv will still have POP or if the said POP will be liquidated.
According to 1Wrestling.com, there was a lot of discussion up until the day of Vengeance concerning the finish of the Undertaker/John Cena match. A large number of wrestlers and employees felt as though John Cena needed to win the match in order to establish himself as a main event caliber wrestler. The Undertaker's side felt as though he needed the win because his character would be hurt if he didn't. Let's take a voyage over to JR's section of WWE.com and his "Top Ten Pet Peeves about Certain Types of Wrestlers" list:
#5) Veterans who don't know when to hang them up who are holding back younger talent.
#1)"I don't mind doing it personally, but my character says no".
HMMM. The general feeling is that if a rematch is staged and John Cena wins (likely by excessive use of a foreign object) then he won't be hurt by the pay-per-view loss. The only ones who will be hurt will be fans paying $34.95 twice to see a draw.
According to the PwTorch website, Jerry Lawler worked an Windy City Wrestling show in Kankakee County that was picketed outside by protestors. What was being protested? The fact that there are only three black women who wrestle for World Wrestling Entertainment. The well spoken leader Kathy Morrow said, and I quote with no sarcasm whatsoever, "I should be able to see some of my people in that". "That" which she speaks of is World Wrestling Entertainment, the company that the protestors were really protesting who they referred to as "The Culprit". Why they chose to protest WWE at a Windy City Wrestling card remains to be said, but Morrow stated that she wanted the Hollywood division of the NAACP to "bash 'em good". Apparently Mrs. Morrow hasn't been paying very close attention to the WWE product as of late as Jazz and Jackie, a woman who should have been cut from the roster years ago, make up 1/3 of the women's division. I would venture to guess that given the huge disproportion in white and black enrollment in wrestling schools, there is a maximum of MAYBE fifteen black women wrestlers in the United States Indy scene and like 95% of the women competing, they aren't even close to WWE level in terms of looks or ability. The full story can be found here and we will continue to stay with this story until WWE is bashed, bashed good.
In what is either one of the best worked shoots of all time or a total breakdown between some of the Independent wrestling scenes most important players, Steve Corino, Homicide and Gabe Sapolsky (Ring of Honor BigWig) have all found themselves in the middle of a controversial situation as of late. It all started at The Ring of Honor 1 Year Anniversary Show where Steve Corino defeated Ring of Honor star Homicide with the Cobra Sleeper. After the match ended, Corino reapplied the Sleeper and refused to release it, causing a group of students from Homicide's wrestling school and supposed fellow members of his street gang to jump the rails and start attacking Corino. The Ring of Honor locker room emptied, security stormed the ring and in one of the single craziest moments that I have ever seen, the entire building turned in to a full scale riot.
Since the incident, Steve Corino has gone on to make several extremely spiteful remarks about Ring of Honor fans on his website, claiming them to be disrespectful and not true fans of wrestling the way it is meant to be. Meanwhile, Steve Corino has gone on to win gold in Major League Wrestling, a critically acclaimed Florida based heir-apparent to ECW that is already drawing upwards of 1,500 fans per show. Apparently without giving notification to Steve Corino first, Ring of Honor cult hero Homicide issued an open challenge to Steve Corino to fight him strong-style at the August 16th Ring of Honor event.
Corino doesn't want to wrestle at the event and apparently let this be known ahead of time, but the challenge was still issued leaving him the bad circumstance of either no showing and looking like a coward or attending and being heckled, made to look bad and possibly injured. Corino probably owes a job to Homicide as well because Corino's hand was raised in the first match and Homicide is a ROH crowd favorite, however due to political reasons (not wanting to tarnish MLW's reputation as a champion jobbing in another company) Corino would have to come out on top. The tensions have escalated on both camps' message boards with Gabe taking repeated shots at Corino and going so far as to print a derogatory email about Steve that his sister apparently wrote.
Regardless of whether this situation is indeed a shoot or a carefully calculated work designed to swerve the hundred or so regular visitors of these message boards, I have a feeling that August 16th should be one crazy night for Ring of Honor. Major League Wrestling also has a huge War Games card scheduled for Ft. Lauderdale on September 19th that I will hopefully be in house for so it's going to be a good couple months for the thriving US Indy scene.
According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, the long term blueprint for Lance Storm would see him remain boring in the fans eyes before being partnered with an Odd Couple type tag team partner who would attempt to teach him charisma through wacky weekly skits. When a 411Mania News-Center correspondent caught up with Raw writer Brian Gerwitz, he cited the television and house show draws that Steve Blackman and Albert became after working the same gimmick with Al Snow and Scotty 2 Hotty respectively two years ago. Gerwitz also has "The Garrison Express" bus tour penciled in for Garrison Cade later this summer.
For those who care about this sort of thing, Combat Zone Wrestling recently held their "Tournament of Death" event in Dover, Delaware and further drove the good name of wrestling into the ground with their disgusting brand of garbage brawling. Six-hundred individuals whom I would never want a thing to do with decided that watching a group of grown men hopelessly mutilate themselves was a good way to spend a Saturday afternoon, selling out the card. Ever want to see someone powerbombed through a pain of glass? How about someone having their tongue stapled to the turnbuckle? How about someone being splashed through a 52" television. How about someone being press slammed off of a 25 foot high ceiling only to have their fall broken by tables stacked a foot deep in lightbulbs? I sure as hell don't and if you do I would like to kindly ask that you utilize that square shaped button labeled "x" in the upper right hand corner of your screen.
As if you've actually heard of him, the winner of the event was Nick Mondo and the loser was the entire sane world. How this garbage even gets sanctioned is a mystery to me as well as what kind of sick individuals actually get a kick out of one human being carving another one to shreds. Don't say you like it "because you're a wrestling fan" either because that's bullshit, this isn't wrestling. No cohesive storylines or technical combinations are used in this mess, and in my humble opinion, anyone who enjoys this kind of thing is a sick, sick individual. If you can tell me one redeeming thing about sitting front row and watching men who's medical bills will outweigh their paychecks take turns butchering each other alive, go ahead and shoot me an email but I definitely won't be holding my breath.
The World Continues to speak as one in a loud, booming voice that resonates through the land. What is that they seek? World Peace? Eternal Riches? The perfect slice of Roast Beef? WRONG! It is cartoons that they seek! Senators are being written in mass numbers, protestors rally outside town square and activists march on Washington all for just a FEW MORE cartoons. Rest Assured that our two heroes are working day and night to bring you just that each Sunday and even while readying for a vacation, Derek Burgan did not disappoint. It's not banter you want though, it is CARTOONS!
Will your funny bone ever recover from the strain our two mild mannered heroes have just put on it?
Is there any end in sight to the wit of Derek and Jay?
Will that Slippery Levesque ever meet his match and be repaid for his treacherous ways?
What surprise will Cheap Pops have in store next?
Tune in next week...
Same Burgan time,
Same Bower channel!
The Trouble with Tribles:
Because criticizing the H's is always the fun thing to do when stuck for other material, allow us to take a look at some of Triple H's finest moments over the past year or so.
* Triple H deciding that Jericho deserved another opportunity to be buried after Wrestlemania and facing him in the "Hell in a Cell", a gimmick match he now refers to as "his match" despite the fact that Mick Foley, Shawn Michaels and maybe The Undertaker were the ones who built an ungodly mystique around what is in actuality not that different than your father's steel cage match. So charred from the tanning bed that he literally looked like a Hindu's dinner lobster, The H's ripped off every good Hell in a Cell spot Shawn Michaels ever did en route to being carried by Chris Jericho until it was time to beat him. Such a babyface. The buyrate was low, but that was because Chris Jericho isn't a draw.
* Triple H --slowly beginning to grow so delusional that he actually believed that he was a modern day Ric Flair --is matched up against Scott Steiner at The Royal Rumble. Everyone alive knows that the match will be best kept short so as to not expose Steiner, but The H's has on his generals helmet and attempts to use his amazing ring prowess to "carry" Steiner to a 20 minute classic that resulted in both men getting booed out of the building. Because of the overwhelming success of the first match, a rematch is ordered for No Way Out that sees both men nearly booed out of the building again in another match that went far too long. Both of these matches drew a combined negative four and a half stars from Scott Keith and drummed up few buys because, you guessed it, Scott Steiner isn't a draw.
* Sending perhaps the worst message in modern WWE history at Wrestlemania XIX, Triple H buried Booker T in Seattle. For weeks The H's told Booker T. that a colored man could never defeat a white man like himself. One would think that this angle would only, only, ONLY be used if the colored man eventually made the heel eat his words and proved that all races were created equally. However, the H's buried him cleanly sending the message to millions of minorities that a black man like Booker T SHOULD stick to shuckin' and jivin' because he really COULDN'T beat a white man. Booker never got retribution, fans stopped cheering him at a main event level and his window closed to be an effective champion. To make matters even worse, Triple H literally spent the duration of the match pretending to be Ric Flair. With puffy, blow-dried hair and debuting powder blue tights not unlike the one's Flair wore in so many major matches, Triple H spent the entire match working Booker's leg with moves straight out of Flair's playbook. Because using the Figure-Four would be too obvious, Triple H desperately thought of the only other lying leg hold in existence and dusted off the revered INDIAN DEATHLOCK as fans sat in stunned silence wondering who exactly this dastardly hold was hurting. To finish off the match, The H's hit the Pedigree, paused long enough to mow an average sized lawn and then moseyed on over to cover Booker T just to make sure he ended up with a little extra bury juice on him. Truly a defining moment in the career of the slippery one.
* Triple H turning his manager and the greatest wrestler of all time Ric Flair against him for 24 hours so that he could defeat him cleanly before Flair rejoined Triple H the next week.
* The H's going out of his way to bury Goldberg in every public appearance that he makes, including the following quote that he made last week after the title match announcement was made: "Goldberg only became a wrestler because he couldn't hack it in Football and because he came from a failing wrestling organization called the WCW that stacked up 200 jobbers for Goldberg to beat." Way to sell that SummerSlam main event H-Man! I think we need to hear that quote, made in a public, kayfabed context one more time: "Goldberg only became a wrestler because he couldn't hack it in Football and because he came from a failing wrestling organization called the WCW that stacked up 200 jobbers for Goldberg to beat."
Roddy Piper once said that the key to drawing with an opponent was to put them over just enough in promos to show a bit of fear and to never expose their obvious shortcomings. If the heel didn't act like the face stood a chance of beating him, then the fans wouldn't think so either and wouldn't buy tickets. How those comments from the H's can be seen as anything but a bitter meathead trying to make excuses for Goldberg's success is beyond me, but maybe someone should remind the H's that he was a total NOBODY until he married the bosses daughter (on screen), killed Test's career, carried the title far before he was ready and retired the most beloved man in modern wrestling history. Some may say "Well, he carried the company for almost an entire year". That he did, but that was nearly three years ago and everyone he has worked with since has seen their career go to complete shit. Booker, RVD, Steiner, Jericho, Benoit, Nash. I firmly believe that the only reason Brock Lesnar was able to get to the point that he is now is because he was free of Triple H burying him on the mic and in the ring although Levesque has taken a few completely unnecessary and out of the blue pot-shots at Lesnar since the Brand Extension.
* Triple H plans to turn babyface sometime before years end in a program with a hell Randy Orton, likely pinning the dastardly rookie after Foley and Michaels can't in order to give the fans "what they want" via someone finally teaching Randy a lesson. Triple H is also rumored to be working with Kane after turning babyface, likely beating him as well.
How bittersweet it is that after over a year of praying to the heavens above for a babyface to wear the Raw brand title, that babyface will likely end up being The H's.
Christ he's slippery.
A Plug, a Plug, My Kingcone for a Plug:
You know who's a damn good guy? Ross Williams. Polite, witty, entertaining and one of my favorite staff members to exchange sweet nothings with here at 411Mania. On top of that, Williams has the rare ability to hype his work so well that I'm actually looking forward to his Top 50 US Based Wrestlers Countdown on Tuesday big time and YOU SHOULD BE TOO if for no other reason than you might just be surprised to see a handsome young Sunday news man make a cameo. That's TUESDAY, be there or be square Jacko.
Hey, it's Mike Campbell again with a steaming ladle full of the Black Tiger Review for the World Tag League 1996. Mike assures me that the tiger is docile and in the hands of a qualified trainer, but ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK regardless.
Charles "Loss4Words" Williams is BACK at TheSmartMarks! Williams is one hell of a good guy, an old friend and former site-mate of mine at TheSmarks.com and "Life and Times of WCW" column (which you should repost!) is amongst my favorite columns ever written. By all means check him out and continue to do so for as long as you are lucky enough to be blessed with his presence.
It's been a mind bogglingly busy week at The Oratory and if any of the following intrigue you I would suggest getting over there ASAP: John C's new PTI type debate column...A multipart series entitled "A definitive History of ECW" by Justin T...The WAR Report on TNA, Smackdown and Raw evaluations with yours truly, JT on Bret Hart, an HBK DVD Review and more Vengeance coverage than even Ron Jeremy could shake his stick at. GO GO GO!
ADVERTISEMENT
~ Ken Anderson & Jay Bower Take Over Scotsmanality ~
Well there you have it, another depressingly long journey through all of the weekend's news in the books. Now did we all have a good time? "It was ok...I guess...I didn't really have anything better to do" you reply. Well on that note, it's 6:15am as I finish and The Bower is ready to get sleep. In closing, follow that above link over to the reformed Bower & Anderson Connection, hit the lights on the way out and until next time, take it easy guys.
