The 411Mania News-Center! 08.24.03
Posted by Jay Bower on 08.24.2003
A SMALL BOOK of weekend news. Warrior&Sting/WWE, Rob Black,Piper finally comments,Goldberg,Savage,RVD,Cartoons,SummerSlam, Corino, Low Ki...
The 411Mania News-Center
(photo courtesy of some Wrestlecrap knockoff site)
Shark Week!
~08.24.03~
With: Jay Bower
Hey there and WELCOME BACK to yet another edition of The 411Mania News-Center, the column that REMAINS your personal favorite on the internet despite a two week hiatus, right Willy?
A huge Bower-sized apology is in order for those of you who tuned your dials to 411Mania last Sunday as you always do, expecting another man-sized column full of laughs, dry analysis and schizophrenic third person conversation with myself. After a critically acclaimed fourteen day run at Scotsmanality and four straight months without missing a news update, I scraped what was left of my social life off of the bottom of my shoe, put it in a Ziplock bag and took it down to South Florida with me to spend a week or so on the beaches of my hometown. While I did miss you peanutheads while I was away, the week off was definitely needed as I feel like a new man after a few days of R&R. A big thank you to those of you with the couth to email me and ask if I was still alive, including Robert:
"Jay, wear u at dawg? Ur columns r the best b/c u know how 2 use code 2 make them look real good. Thankx 4 ur time."
I assure you playboy, my code is my power. Beliv' that. Those who didn't write me concerned emails should promptly close this window and think about what you have done.
Well kids, grab my trousers and help me shake off the rust, because when there is unreported news on the loose, I haven't done my job. Off we go...
Bower's Bits:
What's the only thing better than an all-expense-paid lunch with Donkeylips? Don't be a fool, nothing is better than an all-expense-paid lunch with Donkeylips, but the return of the Ultimate Warrior comes close to the Budnick-less feast. According to the latest edition of The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, World Wrestling Entertainment is said to be interested in bringing back the man who legally had his name changed to "The Warrior", thinking that he would make an excellent addition to the roster in leading up to the 20th anniversary of Wrestlemania. Others within the company are said to think that The Warrior likely won't return as he wouldn't be made a top priority on the roster and thus wouldn't be worth it. When 411Mania News-Center part time typist The Bully caught up with The Warrior for comment, his typewriter exploded and his hands fell off. We were able to get a 45 minute audio interview with the former WWF champion, but are still seeking a qualified translator of Destruicity.
Also from the Torch Newsletter, the latest on Sting is that while World Wrestling Entertainment is still interested in his services, he is no longer the priority that he was at the beginning of the summer. On top of this, Sting is still contracted for three more NWA:TNA appearances thus isn't even available to World Wrestling Entertainment at this time.
Bob Freeman has recently reposted a cleaned up version of the story that got Marty Jannetty banned from the Wrestling Classics message board. If you think that 2002's "Plane Ride From Hell" was bizarre, I assure you that you have seen NOTHING yet. If you want to hear about The Rockers slipping four strangers enough GHB to kill them, the Ultimate Warrior and a Hebner fondling one of their girlfriends breasts when she passed out and then all of the kids getting their heads shaved at 4,000 feet in the air as the elderly passengers cheered on, this is the story for you. Check out Marty Jannetty's story here.
Reports two weeks ago in the News-Center in regards to Ohio Valley Wrestling being cut loose from the World Wrestling Entertainment banner were in fact inaccurate according to Jim Cornette who unleashed his second internet tirade in the past month, this time tearing Wade Keller of the Torch to shreds for his false reporting. Cornette went on to call Keller a liar and threatened to go after him if he ever saw him. Wade Keller has a history with Cornette that goes back to 1993 when The Torch wrote a negative review of Smokey Mountain Wrestling based on a riot that had recently occurred at a Virginia show. Unconfirmed rumor has it that Cornette went after Bruce Mitchell in the stands one night and about a year ago he spat on Ed Ferrera for mocking his friend Jim Ross. If I had a daughter, I would want her to have Cornette's kids.
WWE.com recently published a five page article commemorating the 10 year anniversary of Ohio Valley Wrestling and praising the work Cornette, Danny Davis and Rip Rogers have done during the four year working relationship between the companies. Calling the Ohio farm system a huge success, WWE officials as well as former students like Dave Batista and Victoria called the territory a crucial part of WWE's current success. The school recently moved into a much bigger warehouse now called the Davis Arena which seats up to 500 (as opposed to the old building's 150), has air conditioning (the old building didn't), bigger locker rooms and an in house television production studio for the weekly OVW broadcast. Jim Ross claimed in the online feature that while WWE developmental may expand some day, Ohio Valley should play a part in the program for a long time to come. OVW is planning a huge anniversary show on September 3rd to celebrate the new building with past stars like John Cena and Victoria scheduled to appear. The future is looking bright for wrestling fans in the Ohio Valley.
Shane Helms has updated his online commentary page with stories about attending a Jackson family party, visiting the Playboy mansion and meeting celebrities in Los Angeles. Helms also discusses his new tag team partner Rosie.
In the continuing saga of The Feds vs. Rob Black and Lizzie Borden, the duo are now bribing fans of Xtreme Professional Wrestling to show up at the court house where they will have to appear on August 27th. Fans are encouraged to bring signs, be vocal and obnoxious and will be rewarded for their support with free XPW t-shirts and DVD's which will be given away on the steps of the courthouse. While I don't think that the couple --accused of violating obscenity laws--will be sentenced to the maximum sentence of 50 years for this crime, they certainly aren't doing themselves any favors with these sideshows.
For those wondering about the future of Mike Sanders, my personal favorite wrestler of this era (though Christian and Hass/Benjamin are starting to creep up), Sanders was told that he wouldn't be used by NWA:TNA anymore for the time being. Recently, TheInteractiveInterview.com caught up with Sanders and asked him about his situation. Sanders had the following to say:
- He was released by World Wrestling Entertainment because they had nothing for him. He said he heard rumors about it having something to do with politics and Paul Heyman but he said all in all, WWE just didn't have a spot for him.
- He doesn't know if there’s a future for him in Total Nonstop Action. He hasn't spoken to them in six weeks. He doesn't know if they're going anywhere with Mike Sanders.
Mike sounds as though he is starting to doubt himself as an asset to the wrestling business which is sad because at a time when nobody was getting over in World Championship Wrestling, Sanders and four of his green friends became some of the most hated heels on the show. In a time when there are so many talented wrestlers who just can't work a mic to save their lives, it's a shame World Wrestling Entertainment won't consider using managers whose names don't start with an "M" and end with "cMahon" because an arrogant heel like Sanders would be great for getting a guy like Benoit, Rhyno or Batista over. Plus, it's not like Mark Jindrak, Sean O'Haire, Johnny the Bull and Chuck Palumbo are doing anything meaningful in the least bit, there has to be at least a dozen other WCW fans out there who would mark out for the return of the Natural Born Thrillerz. Unfortunately however, WWE only recycles bad WCW ideas such as Mortis, which despite glowing reviews from the Internet, was amongst the stupidest concepts of all time.
Do The Bower a solid and write your Senator DEMANDING that Mike Sanders be picked up by World Wrestling Entertainment.
The Fabulous Moolah recently celebrated her 80th birthday. As a gift, Vince McMahon promised her a televised match, likely because it's just been a little too long since someone was crippled, paralyzed or killed in the middle of a WWE ring. The match is scheduled for September 15th in her hometown of Columbia, South Carolina so that friends and family won't have to travel far to see her breath her final breathe. After nearly killing Mae Young and Zach Gowen in the last few months, we caught up with Vince McMahon who cackled and said "Third times a charm Jay! HAH-HAH-HAH!". This news from The Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
Sean Waltman has recently made headlines for allegedly physically abusing his former girlfriend Joanie "Chyna" Lauer. Lauer is now said to be hiding somewhere where no one will find her which leads The 411Mania Detective Team to believe she is near the spot where the remnants of her acting career are buried. While I am certainly not an advocate of male-on-female violence, it's really hard for me to be sympathetic towards Lauer when I would pick her 2-to-1 over Waltman in a shootfight. She probably fucked him up more than he hurt her and for a woman who has spent her career standing toe-to-toe with guys, it's a little ironic to see her crying abuse the second Waltman touched her rather than just unleashing on him.
According to the newest edition of the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, That Slippery Levesque has been gallivanting around Hollywood with Stephanie McMahon looking to find acting roles in movies. Apparently The H-Man is being given consideration for a major role "Blade: Trinity". Hollywood sources of the News-Center tell us that by the time The H's left the audition, he had lost so much blood that he was barely conscious. Our source explained that they had to start spelling the title of the film out slowly --B...L...A...D...E -- so that Triple H would stop pulling a razor out of his pocket and slicing up his forehead each time the title of the film was mentioned.
Triple H was also mentioned as the son of Conan for an upcoming film, though neither roles have been formally offered to anyone as of yet. If The H's don't get the parts, sources tell us that he has already gained Vince's permission to use WWE's creative control clause in "Helldorado" to have the ending rewritten to the Rock jobbing to the Pedigree with The H-Man closing out the last ten minutes of the film listing every wrestler that he has ever beaten. More as it develops.
Over the weekend, Roddy Piper took part in his first interview since World Wrestling Entertainment aborted contract negotiations with him. "The Rowdy Scot" had some interesting things to say, and as always, Piper didn't hold back. Amongst the highlights:
Piper on being released: "I made a multi-millionaire angry, and this multi-millionaire decided that he didn't want to be bothered handling Roddy Piper. Every time we came in the ring to do the Piper's Pits, it became more Mr. McMahon, and the quality of them was decreasing. It was a way out for him not having to deal with somebody he couldn't control". When asked if he was fired because he came off better than Vince McMahon on HBO's Real Sports: "Exactly". Piper on Sean O'Haire : "The creative team in WWE didn't understand how to get someone like that over. Sean O'Haire is one hell of a guy, and he can speak for himself, and he doesn't need Roddy Piper. I think the WWE did a tremendous disservice by putting him with Roddy Piper. Let them go out and do what they need to do because I can only tell you how Roddy Piper can draw money. I wish him nothing but the best."
The Interview, performed by Chris Yandek, can be found in it's entirety at 1Wrestling.com.
The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter Reports that Bill Goldberg's passport problems were largely exaggerated to save face for the fact that he wouldn't be making the trip. The Torch reports that Goldberg likely could have performed the dates but wasn't contractually obligated to work that many dates, so he didn't. When reached for comment, Goldberg twirled his mustache, made a silly face and said "YOU'RE NEXT". When 411Mania News-Center correspondent The Bully explained to Goldberg that he wasn't a wrestler, Goldberg muttered "Save the Otters" and walked away.
While I always enjoyed his work in ECW, Steve Corino has become a personal favorite of mine as of late. He is respected worldwide, has lent a large hand in Major League Wrestling becoming an Independent power in it's relatively short existence and treats his fans extremely well on his personal website (SteveCorino.com). Corino sticks by his friends and isn't afraid to speak negatively about promotions (CZW) and wrestlers whom he doesn't particularly care for.
The "King of Old School" recently found himself in the middle of controversy when ROH bigwig Gabe Sapolsky on behalf of Ring of Honor standout "The Notorious 187" Homicide challenged Corino to a strong-style match on the August 16th Ring of Honor show without consulting Corino first, putting him in a bad situation. Corino owed Homicide a job from the Ring of Honor One Year Anniversary show infamous for the riot that broke out when Corino refused to let Homicide out of a submission hold after he tapped. As the MLW champion, Corino felt as though he couldn't tarnish the title by having it's holder lose in another promotion, but if he didn't fight he likely would have looked like a coward for ducking the challenge. After weeks of message board warfare involving Gabe Sapolsky, Steve Corino and the Ring of Honor and Corino fans on each camps message boards, Corino accepted the challenge in order to get the one Ring of Honor appearance over with that he was contractually obligated to as part of a shoot interview deal with RF Video, owners of Ring of Honor.
Corino had the following to say on his message board about Ring of Honor fans:
First off, after reading what your “fans” had to say on your message board, I truly feel that ROH has the worst fans in the world. Just reading how you arm-chair bookers feel makes me so happy that I spend 95% of my time in Japan where REAL wrestling fans live. ROH fans are a bunch of nerds that have nothing better to do than sit in front of their computer, fondle themselves to ROH videotapes, complain about everything, and think that there opinion really matters. (Bower note: Quote of the Month) If I have to read how this is a “angle” one more time I think I might puke. This is what American pro wrestling fans have become?
It really amazes me what kind of fans Ring Of Honor has. And these are the people you cater to Gabe? These are the fans that you, ROH talent, are risking your career for? I think all of you need a little dose of reality. ROH fans answer me this question; When did you become numb to pro wrestling? Because if I was half as stupid as these fans that write on the ROH message board are, I would have stopped watching pro wrestling long ago. Everything is a “angle” to you and every moron has an opinion.
Regardless of his feelings about Ring of Honor fans, Steve Corino arrived at the arena in Fairfield, Connecticut last Saturday to face Homicide and nobody, likely not even Corino, knew what to expect. Steve was accompanied to the ring by his good friend Guillotine LeGrande, possibly as back up in case Sapolsky had anything up his sleeve or an overenthusiastic Ring of Honor fan got into the mix. As yellow streamers were thrown into the ring, all 34 of the titles that Corino has carried were announced to the crowd who were said to be split 50/50 in terms of support. Corino's introduction took approximately seven minutes as he stood in the ring wearing his MLW heavyweight title, NWA Southern Title and NWA Intercontinental Tag-Team belts.
After Homicide was introduced, the two waged bloody battle for 30:00+ in what was called one of the greatest brawls in Ring of Honor history. The end of the match came when when Homicide locked a modified S.T.F. on Corino and Guillotine LeGrande threw a white towel into the ring to signify that he wanted to submit for his man. After a few minutes of recovery, Corino exited the arena to a loud "Corino" chant from the previously partisan crowd.
Also on the same card, Low-Ki took on Danny Maff and legit accidentally KO'd him while hitting him with the Tidal Crush, a handspring 280 degree enzuigiri that is amongst the most impressive moves in wrestling. Though Maff somehow managed to kick out, the main event match was stopped and fans were told to go home as Maff laid in the ring for quite some time.
When all was said and done, "The King of Old School" left the arena with two black eyes, a broken eardrum which will never fully recover and eight stitches needed in his arm to close a barbed wire wound according to 1Wrestling.com. Corino was also said to lose feeling in his arm while locked in the STF and now lacks hearing in the ear that was injured.
While I certainly wouldn't hold my breathe on Corino appearing again in Ring of Honor anytime soon, his feud with Homicide will likely continue in Major League Wrestling when Corino returns from his one month tour in Japan with Zero-One and after Corino's huge War Games match in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida next month.
Speaking of Major League Wrestling, the group ran their "Summer Apocalypse" show Friday night in St. Petersburg, Florida and once again drew an enormous crowd of nearly 1,000 fans. While this may not seem like a huge number, WWE is averaging about 3,500 per house show lately with five hours of weekly prime time national programming and nearly one billion dollars worth of resources. For a promotion as young as MLW to draw 30% of WWE's average attendance with hardly no exposure is truly amazing and the same could be said for Ring of Honor who are drawing very well too.
Jerry Lawler went over Terry Funk in a bloody brawl before two masked men attacked them both, forcing the legends to align. The masked men, partners in crime with Simon Diamond and CW Anderson, are thought to be Steve Corino and another yet to be determined wrestler. This angle solidified the mid-September Ft. Lauderdale MLW main event as Lawler, Funk, Steve Williams and The Sandman taking on Simon Diamond, CW Anderson and the two masked men in a double-ring War Games match. Ken Anderson and I will be there in person providing full coverage.
Also on Friday's card, CM Punk continued his feud with Raven (which now spans TNA, ROH and MLW) in a Straight-Edge Rules Match during which, humorously enough, beer stopped being sold in the venue and fans weren't allowed to consume previously purchased beer or swear during the course of the match. I have always found CM Punk to be slightly overrated, but the concept is pure genius.
And finally, the fine folks over at LethalWrestling.com managed to get their hands on a clip from Randy Savage's upcoming rap album. Taken from the track "Be A Man", a song that calls out Hulk Hogan, Savage actually isn't as bad as I would of that, but the subject matter of the song still makes for a pretty hilarious listen. This isn't a wacky parody, but the lyrics from the actual song:
(Talking) Hugggggggggggh...Hulk Hogan, Hollywook Hulkster...Whatever they call you , I'm coming after you coward...
(Rapping) Diggity Damn, Hulkamania you set it off!
Used to be hard Hulk, you done turned soft!
Doing telephone commercials I seen ya!
dancing in tights as a ballerina!
I knew all along you had those tendencies!
Because you've been running from Macho like I got a disease!
DUDE please, your pay-per-view event was a joke!
You're avoiding Randy Savage cause you know you'll get smoked!
Come on, that phony fight, The Rock's way too fast!
But when I challenged Hogan to a real fight he passed!
I called him out but the punk was scared to go!
It was a charity even but the Hulk didn't show!
Hollywood Hulkster you're at the end of your rope!
And I'm gonna kick you in the butt and wash your mouth out with soap!
Cause like Rodney Dangerfield he gets no respect!
So come on Hulk let's wreck so I can put you in check!
BE A MAN HULK!
Come on don't be scurrrrrrd!
You're running from Macho that's what I hurrrrrd.!
BE A MAN HOGAN!
Come on don't be a chump!
I've been told it's been floating around Kazaa as well, it's definitely worth finding. Look for the full length album coming later this year.
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Rob Van Dam Appreciation Week:
When one looks back at the past six years, it's hard to think of a better example of untapped potential than Rob Van Dam. If "Mr. Pay-Per-View" had a tragic flaw, it would be that he is almost too much of a can't miss prospect. Dating back to his days in ECW, Rob Van Dam was always the trump card at the bottom of Paul Heyman's hand. Everyone in ECW knew that when the time was right, they could pull the trigger on a Rob Van Dam title reign that would skyrocket ECW into the upper echelon of the wrestling wars. Heyman and company were so sure of Van Dam that they kept him as a last ditch resort until the time was right, settling for a lengthy reign with the Television Title. When ECW abruptly folded, they hadn't even the opportunity to launch the RVD machine which could have saved the company.
When World Wrestling Entertainment failed to get over the second biggest brand name in American wrestling history or any of the thirty wrestlers whose contracts were purchased, they resorted to channeling the spirit of the Philadelphia underground sensation Extreme Championship Wrestling, importing Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam to give the promotion credibility. Though ECW was drawing only around 10% of WWE's weekly viewership for it's TNN programming, WWF fans obviously knew of RVD. For his first televised WWE match, Rob Van Dam was receiving pops along the level of the main eventers of the time and his popularity remained absurd given the relative lack of national exposure that his work received. World Wrestling Entertainment knew what a can't miss prospect they had, so they waited, and waited, and waited on pulling the trigger on a Rob Van Dam title reign.
Now, two years after his World Wrestling Entertainment debut, Rob Van Dam is still waiting for his title reign and fans are still supporting him as much as any other babyface on the Raw roster after losing hope in other challengers such as Kane, Scott Steiner and Booker T. Why? Because it's obvious that Rob just doesn't care. While Kane and Booker T started carrying themselves with hopeless body language after jobbing to the H-Man, Rob went right back out there with that giant grin on his face and gave his matches 150%. "He can't cut a promo" people say, failing to realize that he's never even been given the chance. His promos against Triple H, though unconventional, worked and while the crowd was dying a little more with each with The H's said, Rob kept bringing them right back into the mix. Now this Sunday at SummerSlam, Rob will lose to Kane or only win via interference from a McMahon. It doesn't matter though, "The Whole Fucking Show" will just keep on rolling.
On top of this, Rob did what nobody in World Wrestling Entertainment has had the balls to do since WCW closed its doors. Rob went on not one, but TWO radio shows in the past week bashing World Wrestling Entertainment not listening to the fans and pushing him and openly discussed the political forces controlling the locker room. Two HUGE thumbs up for RVD, *YOUR* 411Mania News-Center wrestler of the week.
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Weekly Report Card:
They get an "A"...
Brock Lesnar : Fresh off of a heel turn, Brock Lesnar is proving himself to be worthy of every second of his main event run thus far. Few have done so much so well in their first eighteen months in a major wrestling organization and Lesnar truly deserves credit for his performance this week on Smackdown!.
Lesnar put on the best heel performance of the summer on Thursday, completely dismantling Zach Gowen in his home town. From his facials to his stalking of the Gowen family to his in-ring presence, Lesnar takes the best aspects of the classic monster heel and adds a modern twist. While I think that if WWE isn't careful they are going to end up crippling Gowen for good, Lesnar tossing him like a rag doll into the ring post twice along with Zach's five alarm bladejob in front of his poor mother made for a spectacular vehicle to make fans look at Lesnar as a heel again.
Christian : My favorite favorite member of the Raw roster since the beginning of the year. It doesn't help that Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler never put him over and always act as though he is a fluke champion unworthy of the belt, but he has improved on literally EVERY aspect of his game since The Rock gave him an on air pep talk. My main criticism of Christian was always the fact that he couldn't bring the character that made him such a good interview into the ring with him for his matches. Christian has finally caught on to working the audience and his ring work has improved greatly as he busted out a few moves tonight that I haven't seen him do in a long time. His look is improving with a constant influx of new ring gear and a new haircut. Once scrawny, Christian appears to have put on around 15 or 20 pounds in the last few months and though adding two inches to one's chest in three weeks time is something very, VERY difficult to do without steroids, he is beginning to look more like the kind of wrestlers Vince McMahon pushes. Aside from this, he is one of the most underrated on the mic in wrestling. The "Peeps" signs in the audience are increasing by the week, his match with other directionless midcarder Rob Van Dam was the most over match on Raw and all is clicking for Christian.
Eric Bischoff : Since his arrival in World Wrestling Entertainment, Eric Bischoff has been asked to do some things so preposterously stupid that a word doesn't even exist to describe them. Whether it be disguising himself as a priest, receiving a face full of Mae Young's crotch, trying to get 3MW over, stooping over in front of Vince McMahon's naked ass, partaking in the implied rape or Linda McMahon, or whatever other degrading assignment he is currently entrenched in as payback for daring to compete with Vince in the 90's, Bischoff nails his segments without fail and usually succeeds in getting others over rather than Austin who just stuns potential money-drawing heels despite the fact that he no longer has a reason to keep his character strong. Bischoff's slimy delivery truly is a diamond in the rough that usually is Raw and along with RVD and Chris Jericho, Bischoff is a co-MVP of Raw.
They Get a "B".
John Cena : The Smackdown! counterpart to RVD, no matter how poorly booked Cena is, he always just seems to be rolling with the punches and usually finds a way to get over. Cena was no different this week, as after four minutes of The Undertaker manhandling he and Albert by himself, Cena got another fluke victory out of the dead man which is supposedly supposed to be payback for the Undertaker's squash victory at Vengeance. On top of all of this, Cena debuted by far the coolest WWE shirt available recently.
Test : Test is one of those guys who every peanuthead on the Internet jumped on the bandwagon of hating long ago. Personally, I have been loving Test as of late. Sure his ring work isn't that great, but it's better than most give him credit for and Test has been drawing some serious heel heat lately with his newfound gimmick. Sometimes you don't need an over the top gimmick like a super hero or a clown to get someone over, and the meathead/jock/bully who is used to getting what he wants and treats his girl like shit is a great approach because hell, we all know a guy like that and if it was socially acceptable, we would follow HIM around chanting "asshole". Test is really grasping the arrogance and the swagger of his character and he nailed his segment on Monday.
They Get a "C":
La Resistance : Sylvan Grenier and Rene Dupre take more verbal abuse from the 'net than almost anyone, but personally I think that they are doing a fine job with a gimmick 9 out of 10 veterans would have likely bombed with. Though I'm really liking what Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade are doing as of late, there isn't another team on the Raw roster who I find interesting enough to rather see with the titles. Dupre is quickly becoming a comic genius, prancing around the ring and butchering his French accent every third word of his promos. The addition of Rob Conway was carried out perfectly and having seen quite a bit of his OVW footage, I'd say the workrate is about to go up for the team.
They Get a "D":
Kane : A man capable of making flames shoot into the heavens with a simple movement of his arms can't even light a match. RVD gagged and tied to the stake was just stupid and the kind of over the top, embarrassing thing that just wasn't needed in this feud. Now that the novelty has wore off and WWE dropped the police escorts (which were the coolest part of the gimmick), I'm starting to lose faith in the Kane experiment.
They Get an "F":
The Dudley Boyz : I have never been the biggest fan of the Dudley Boyz honestly and I think the constant attempt by WWE to get them over as the greatest tag team of all time is comical when I can think of over a dozen tag teams from the past twenty years who I would rate above them. (For those who must know: The Midnights, The Rock n' Roll Express, The Road Warriors, The Freebirds, The Hart Foundation, The British Bulldogs, Demolition, Edge & Christian, The Steiners, The Rockers, New Age Outlaws, Hollywood Blondes, Blanchard/Anderson, Owen/Bulldog, The Hardy Boyz, The Brisco Brothers & Harlem Heat) From their escapades immediately upon entering WWE where they threatened to kill the Hardy Boyz behind the scenes for using the 3D on Shotgun Saturday Night, the duo --particularly Bubba -- have always rubbed me the wrong way. While La Resistance have been criticized for being green, The Dudleyz recently stiffing the hell out of them at a house show for an accidental potato was unprofessional, especially given the fact that The Dudleyz had recently been punished for injuring a few opponents, most notably Randy Orton and Dave Batista in the same match. Two weeks ago, D'von planted WWE golden boy Rene Dupree so hard with a flag that he was busted open hardway and suffered a minor concussion. Now the duo are using our flag as a prop to get themselves over -- butchering the national anthem and making me embarrassed to salute the same flag three weeks ago in a desperate plea for face heat-- and it just keeps getting worse. Thank goodness "those green Frenchies" have a wonderful team like the Dudleyz to "carry the program" or else the feud sure would suck eh?
Albert : A wise man once said that you can dress up a pig and teach him new tricks, but in the end he is still just a pig. Albert isn't a swine, but an extra large, over-pushed vanilla wrestler who hasn't succeeded in a half dozen monster pushes thus far, so why he is competing against The Undertaker at SummerSlam when John Cena, Charlie Hass and Shelton Benjamin aren't is beyond me.
The Bower N' Burgan Cartoon Showcase
The Last week Jay Bower and Derek Burgan collapsed at their desks in their posh downtown loft, exhausted from the pressure that comes with supplying the world with the one thing that it needs to continue it's orbit around the sun...CARTOONS! One can live mere days without food and water, but the FDA has concluded that CARTOONS are the key to a healthy lifestyle and as a result, our unlikely heroes crumbled after five sleepless weeks.
While they feared for the worst, they never could have imagined the multi-state blackout that resulted from millions of Americans picking up their phones and connecting to their computers to ask their local authorities "WHERE ARE MY CARTOONS". The problem has been fixed and once again, the dapper duo is back to provide you with what you demand!
Will our two mild mannered heroes ever cease to make your beverage exit your nostrils?
Will Derek and Jay be the winning ticket on the California ballot?
Will that Slippery Levesque ever find some tread?
What surprise will Cheap Pops have in store next?
Tune in next week...
Same Burgan time,
Same Bower channel!
SummerSlam Predictions:
Do you like watching your favorite stars from both brands do battle on the same pay-per-view? Well, this might not be the show for you then as none of them will actually be appearing. John Cena, Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman, Christian, Booker T, The Hurricane, Trish Stratus, Victoria, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Hass, Sean O'Haire and The Ultimo Dragon don't have SummerSlam matches, but look on the bright side...Eric Bischoff, Shane McMahon, The A-Train, The Dudley Boyz do! Some quick predictions for the pay-per-view...
Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle: A dream pairing which has been protected well enough to become remembered in the same breathe as Flair/Steamboat if they follow up with a string of great encounters, though tonight's match will be overbooked to the verge of disaster. Because Vince McMahon has no other spot on the card, he will make himself the center of a match that doesn't need a sideshow. Vince McMahon will interfere to the point that Stephanie will feel the need to make herself the #1 babyface in the match, running to ringside to assist Angle. The father and daughter combo will find a way to turn themselves into the focus of the match with Zach Gowen and The Big Show possibly coming into play. Lesnar wins the title via McMahon interference.
The Elimination Chamber : If careers truly do go to the Chamber to die as the commercials say, I couldn't be happier to see Nash and Triple H involved. Look for Randy Orton to accidentally cause Triple H to be eliminated and Bill Goldberg to hold the title until the next Raw brand pay-per-view at which Triple H will beat him cleanly.
Kane vs. Rob Van Dam : With the Kane project slowly starting to die after a fiery start (bwaa-bwa-ha), look for Rob Van Dam to carry the action before falling to Kane and giving Kane maximum momentum before jobbing to Shane McMahon next month.
Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff : In a match with absolutely no place on a major wrestling pay-per-view, a garbage fest will end with Linda McMahon turning on Shane and siding with Bischoff, giving him the win.
The Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance : While La Resistance are hot, The Dudleyz are on the downswing and have already held the tag titles so many times that their reigns no longer mean anything. With that said, look for the Dudleyz to no-sell like The Road Warriors before winning the tag titles via the 3D.
The Undertaker vs. The A-Train : The crowd will be dead for this dream match with Taker putting away his opponent relatively easily to keep the SummerSlam win streak that I'm sure he has alive.
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri vs. Rhyno : Your typical chaotic four-way with too many people in the ring to consider to have a truly good match. ***1/4 with "Latino Heat" retaining.
A Plug, a Plug, My Kingcone for a Plug:
As is normal in the last two weeks or so of the summer, the Internet is pretty quiet and 411Mania is no exception. However, that didn't stop Bob Barron from checking in with a brand new VCR TAPE REVIEW of a Ring of Honor show that he watched on his VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER! If it sucks, no loss for Bob because Ring of Honor hooked him up with a review copy. However, because Ring of Honor NEVER sucks, *SPOILER ALERT* Bob liked it. Go play with Barron, remind him of the time he was going to lend me his tape review for my ill-fated wrestling site before it crashed into the abyss. It'll be a hoot.
Q: What happens when you put roughly a dozen of the finest wrestling columnists in the land in the same place?
A: The pussy leaves town.
(Alternate) A: You get the Wrestling Oratory! Mosey on over and check out a ton of SummerSlam coverage, Dueling Raw and Smackdown reviews starring yours truly, Xavier's new W.A.R. report, John's PTI inspired "In Your Face" column and more other quality content that you'll know what to do with. When you're done reading, post in the high-tech forums. Unless you're an idiot. Then just read.
My peeps at TheSmartMarks.com are just on fire as of late with more quality wrestling related content than you can shake a stick at. No egos, no cynicism simply for the sake of it, just a bunch of fans writing about the sport they love. Join Dames, Loss, Truit, Nik Johnson, Retro Rob, Dave Dymond and the rest of the gang who didn't sell out and go corporate like I did.
And finally, check out Insertlabel.net, a great new music site focusing on music of the punk, pop-punk, emo and hardcore variery. Written by the people for the people and if you're a fan of the genre, give it a look Otis.
Well well well, it looks like thank-the-heavens above we have finally reached the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. One more week, I labor in front of the computer for hours while the most work you do is pulling your reading spectacles out of their slim case. You really should be quite ashamed of yourselves, but a little bit of glowing feedback sent my way is always a good first step on the road to repentance.
As always, it's about 5:30am as I finish this fine piece of literature, so I'm going to get some sleep. Enjoy SummerSlam, thanks as always for reading and I'll catch you next week. Until then, stay the hell out of my bushes rubberneckers.
