The 411Mania News-Center! 8.31.03
Posted by Jay Bower on 08.31.2003
HUGE news on Raw future, 5000 words of 30+ NEW news items, cartoons, Test rules + tons more...
The 411Mania News-Center
~08.31.03~
With: Jay Bower
(11) FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY : 37
NORTH CAROLINA : 0
Hey there and welcome BACK to yet another edition of The 411Mania News-Center, the column that is now wearing YOUR varsity jacket. Are we all having a good weekend? Glad to hear it.
I'm having a GREAT fucking weekend. Why you ask? Because after a delay that just seemed way too long, it's FOOTBALL season once again and as always, I'll be in house hopefully watching my Florida State Seminoles finally get our act together this season on Saturdays and on Sundays I'll be in the Altell Stadium watching the Jacksonville Jaguars finally return to the playoffs. "The Jags are a joke Jay" you shout. Well, I know the preseason means nothing, but 3-1 is a good sign in my opinion and even without Jimmy Smith and little idea who will be our first string quarterback this year, I've got the faith suckkkka. Last year when the Eagles were on a tear and nobody was giving us a snowflakes chance in hell, we went into Philly with nothing but heart and walked out with a hard fought win in a game that surely took five years off my life. Sure we lost four in a row after that, but still it's a rebuilding year so I'm hoping for the best but I'll be thrilled if we only win 7 but look like we're going to be a force come next season.
While I hate to brag, this column is really becoming the BEST source of first run wrestling news anywhere on the Internet in my opinion. The news section has been growing and growing in the last several week and this week we've got over THIRTY news bits, the majority of which have yet to appear on many major sites including 411Mania. We're bringing this sucker grass roots to make it the best pure news update around, and a big part of that is thanks to you for continuing to send me links and excerpts and by all means, if you see something that you find newsworthy, please continue to keep sending those items my way and you'll be credited.
Well, we have a ton to get to and so little time, so off we go...
Bower's Bits
*Note* A good part of this weeks news is derived from the Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter and the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Both are well worth their weight in gold with the new Observer Hall of Fame issue being amongst the best that I have ever read and The Torch now offering so many bonuses in terms of the subscriber only audio updates, about eight weekly email updates, a mini newsletter in your mailbox from Powell each Sunday, awesome VIP forums and a ton of archived issues on the members only website, that $2.50 per issue seems like a steal. Seriously, check them out, they'll become the highlight of your pathetic existence as well.
According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, the future Raw booking plans are very interesting to say the least. Though plans are always subject to change, right now the plan looks to be Bill Goldberg winning the World Wrestling Entertainment Raw title at Unforgiven. On the same show, Randy Orton will face and likely defeat Shawn Michaels. At Survivor Series, Triple H will regain the Raw title and about the same time Flair and Triple H will turn face. Randy Orton will then feud with Triple H who will pull the young wrestler up to main event level and Orton will become the leader of a young heel stable with Maven being the leading candidate for the group. Orton's push is said to be patterned after The Rock's in that he rebelled from his heel stable. Again credit to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
According to Dave Meltzer, Triple H will be making all of his upcoming scheduled house show appearances despite his nearly immobilizing injury, working tag matches to protect himself. Despite hardly being able to walk due to torn lower abs as well as a pulled groin, The H's are taking care of business and like it or not, you have to respect him for that. According to The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, Triple H blames Rob Van Dam for re-aggravating his thigh and groin area and went to several high ranking WWE officials pointing the finger to RVD. When Rob Van Dam heard of this, he hunted down That Slippery Levesque and asked him why he was talking behind his back, resulting in the H-Man completely denying that it ever happened. Have I mentioned lately what a great fucking guy Rob Van Dam is?
In other Triple H news, the Pro-Wrestling Torch VIP audio area (available only to subscribers) recently announced that Triple H has been further separating himself from the rest of the locker room as of late, spending the majority of his time with the returning Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash. Though scary flashbacks of the Clique may run through the heads of some, it's hard to see Kevin Nash or Shawn Michaels having any kind of stroke right now considering neither are in the upper card position that they were during the height of the infamous group.
Jerry Lawler wrestled in the main event of a house show in Memphis last evening according to a correspondent report sent me to me by Mikey34. "The King" teamed with Shawn Michaels to defeat HHH and Ric Flair. Mikey reports that during the match, Triple H claimed that Lawler would never pin him and ran down Memphis. After a match that Flair and Michaels carried, The H's --after sitting out most of the match --put Lawler over clean in the middle of the ring for a huge hometown win. Now if only The H-Man could work on doing it on television for people younger than him, maybe he would finally earn a golden star.
Bill Goldberg has also become a very unpopular figure backstage, acting as though he is above everyone and being antisocial behind the scenes. Recently a 411Mania News-Center correspondent caught up with a sobbing Spike Dudley asking "Why doesn't Bill want to be my friend?". Our sources also inform us that Goldberg is nice to some people as he recently put "The Rabid Wolverine" Chris Benoit into a cage in the back of his truck and started storming towards the PETA offices to get him vaccinations. When the receptionist keyed Goldberg onto the fact that Benoit was a man and not a real wolverine, he twitched his mustache, screamed "Whose next" and put his arm through a nearby window.
According to the Torch website, James J. Dillon was amongst the former stars of wrestling who appeared at the FanFest event last weekend. When a fan asked Dillon what he thought about Evolution, Dillon was said to have "looked down and shook his head and said, 'If I had all afternoon I might be able to tell you'." He must really like them. Jessie from Tough Enough appeared on camera last week on Raw. She has been working as as part of the production team. (Picks up a can of Coors Light) I'd bone her. (Puts down the can of Coors Light). This is the same position that Josh Matthews --also a Tough Enough alum --held before launching his underrated on-camera career.
In other Tough Enough news, Hawk from season two recently appeared on the reality television train wreck "Meet My Parents", a show which consists of a few hopefuls trying to win the hearts of a buxom young tarts parents before Ma' and Pa' decide who gets to court their precious daughter. It really isn't nearly as interesting as it sounds. At the conclusion of the show, Hawk was asked to state something that they didn't know about him. At this point, he pulled his action figure that was made during Tough Enough out of his pocket dramatically and said that though nobody ever said that he would amount to anything, this plastic toy proved otherwise. In other news, Hawk and I have differing opinions on the qualifications of "amounting to something".
In what's quickly becoming a running joke in many circles, The McMahon's were once again said to be thrilled with the way Raw came off despite the show being one of the most universally panned in the ten year history of the show. In other news, Vince McMahon is also said to be thrilled with the way the cancer epidemic and world hunger are going. This according to 1Wrestling.com.
World Wrestling Entertainment has signed a woman simply known as "Rue" to co-host the Smackdown! brand show "Afterburn" each week. Rue is no stranger to the entertainment industry as she has appeared in numerous television shows and print and television advertisements. Rue was also in an all girl group in the early 90's called "Boy Crazy" whose song "That's What Love Can Do" knocked Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" off of the top of the charts. I consider myself pretty well versed in pop culture and have never heard of the group or the song and found little evidence of its existence online, but I'll take WWE.com's word on the matter. Look for Rue to debut next week on WWE Afterburn.
According to the latest edition of The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, World Wrestling Entertainment is said to be interested in A.J. Styles, the current MVP of the promotion whose universally acclaimed NWA main event with Low-Ki was said by many to slightly edge out Angle/Lesnar as the match of the week. However, many within the company feel as though AJ's look and Southern accent wouldn't get over with modern fans, a complaint also made about Jim Ross before he became amongst the most important people in company history. When 411Mania News-Center sources caught up Styles' handler Vince Russo, he explained that he was hard at work getting AJ an appointment with the same WWE stylist responsible for Rosey, A-Train and Bill DeMott. Triple H was said to be campaigning for AJ Styles and Goldylocks of TNA to cut their long blonde hair despite the fact that they weren't even under World Wrestling Entertainment contract. When word got back to Triple H that AJ Styles' hair was neither long nor blonde, he demanded that he shave his head bald regardless. When word got back to Steve Austin that AJ Styles was considering going bald, he demanded that the NWA champion not copy his trademark style. Learning early to play politics to get ahead in the wrestling business, Styles thought long and hard before lobbing off the top of his head in attempt to make both former WWE champions happy. AJ Styles will be sorely missed by all who were lucky enough to see his work.
World Wrestling Entertainment is said to have little to no interest in James Storm and Chris Harris, America's Most Wanted. Despite Charlie Hass and Shelton Benjamin's rapid evolution into one of the best technical teams in years, a large portion of American wrestling fans consider Storm and Harris to be the best tag team in the country. According to the Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, WWE officials are said to be relatively unimpressed with James Storm and consider Chris Harris to still be too vanilla at this point. According to a 411Mania News-Center source within the company, Vince McMahon was seen personally sending tapes of the APA and Three Minute Warning to the duo as an aid in helping them evolve into a better, WWE style tag team.
World Wrestling Entertainment stock is up slightly above $10 as of press time, quickly nearing a 52 week high after surprisingly strong quarter profits posted by the company. At a recent conference on the matter, Linda McMahon announced that WWE is planning the releases of a series of classic series DVD's and videos featuring PPV's and other footage from the National Wrestling Alliance, World Championship Wrestling, Extreme Championship Wrestling and the American Wrestling Association. No word yet on who's going to tell Vern and Greg Gagne that the DVD's won't work on their record players.
In other World Wrestling Entertainment financial news, Vince McMahon will be taking home around 10 million dollars for the year at a time when most wrestlers are struggling to break even for expenses while working on the road. This sum consists of 8 million dollars in dividends, a one million dollar salary and just under $900,000 that he has paid himself as an on-air talent, making Vince McMahon amongst his own five highest paid wrestlers or so. This obviously has to ruffle a few feathers within the company.
This from CRZ's Wienerboard, it appears as though Hulk Hogan has been nominated for a prestigious "Relly Award" by the Regis and Kelly show. Hulk Hogan was some stiff competition in the "Best Walk On" category, going up against Jim Carrey and Sean "Puffy" Combs. Fans of the show can vote for their favorite choice on the Regis and Kelly website. While one wouldn't expect Hogan to win against such A-list company, I think he will forever hold the "Best Walk OFF" award in all of our hearts.
According to The Pro-Wrestling Torch Newsletter, Chavo Guerrero is currently waiting for the Smackdown creative team to come up with something for him to do upon his return from a torn bicep. Those waiting for more tag team clinics will be disappointed to know that Los Guerreros will not reunite as Eddy is way too hot right now to not pursue his singles career.
Ring of Honor has recently announced that tickets to their events will now be available via all TicketMaster outlets. In other news, the average price for Ring of Honor tickets is now eleven thousand dollars. This includes convenience fees, processing fees, the processing of convenience fees and $800 worth of "invariable charges".
In more Ring of Honor news, Low-Ki recently offered a public apology for losing his cool and slapping a camera man focused on him after accidentally knocking out his friend and opponent Danny Maff two weeks ago with an errant Tidal Crush. Low-Ki claimed to have broken "the code" of his profession and Ring of Honor and called his own actions unprofessional and inexcusable. I still love you Low-Ki, I still love you.
In other Ring of Honor news, Terry Funk has been announced for the promotion's 9/20 show in Philadelphia, PA to take on CM Punk. Philadelphia fans should love the opportunity to see Funk one more time before he retires and begins planning his 16th and 17th return.
Terry Funk may or may not also appear on the recently announced Major League Wrestling show on October 23rd in Ken Anderson and I's part time residence of Jacksonville, Florida. The show should be huge and will probably feature a continuation of the USA Super J Tournament featuring some of the best lightweight workers on the Independent scene. Though I'm iffy because of Seminole football season about the War Games show in Lauderdale, I'll be at the Jacksonville show to provide you with photo packed coverage.
While MLW heavyweight champion Steve Corino has been announced for the 9/20 Ring of Honor Show and is likely also scheduled to appear on the October 23 Major League Wrestling Show, he may have to miss both if he chooses to opt for surgery to his left ear, recently injured by a Homicide slap in a wild ROH brawl between the two.
According to 1Wrestling.com, Corino had a 2nd and 3rd opinion on his ruptured eardrum with all three doctors suggesting that he would need surgery immediately if he ever hoped to regain hearing in his left ear. The procedure would require Corino, who is now working through loss of balance, to miss three months of action. The procedure would also keep Steve Corino from booking talent for Zero-One in Japan as he would be unable to fly while healing.
Corino is on an enormous role at this point in his career, holding three titles, serving as the center piece of the rapidly growing MLW, in the middle of one of the hottest feuds in wrestling in Ring of Honor and actively competing as well as being largely influential in bringing talented American Indy workers overseas to work tours with Zero-One. The decision should be a difficult one for "The King of Old School", but best wishes to the champ on route to a quick recovery on behalf of The 411Mania News-Center.
WWE Smackdown! star Edge is six months into his recovery after having major surgery on his neck and will soon meet with doctors for the first time in five months to evaluate his progress. While away from the ring, Edge is writing a WWE column called "The Edgucation of Adam Copeland" each week that is amongst the best things on the internet. A small excerpt from the newest edition...
Way back on May 10, 1996, I had my first WWE match in the hallowed halls of the Copps. My opponent was Bob "Hardcore" Holly, although at that point he was still the Spark Plug, checkered flags and all. I know Bob's glad he ditched that gimmick. I arrived to the building three hours before the show, not realizing that for non-televised live events, the guys show about an hour before. This gave me enough time to get good and nervous. The show started at 7:30. Bob showed at 7 p.m., walked up to me, and asked how long I'd been working. I replied with the truth, three and a half years. I realized that might have been the wrong answer when he rolled his eyes, grunted and walked away. Knowing Bob the way I do now, I'd laugh. Back then I said “sh**,” but vowed to prove that I belonged in the ring with him.
What was my way of proving that, you ask? Dancing. Extremely bad, and extremely Caucasian. You see, at this point I wrestled on the indies as Sexton Hardcastle. Christian had just finished his training and wrestled as Christian Cage. For some unknown reason, we decided that dancing, very badly, would get a reaction from the crowd. So Christian would hit "the Carlton," and moves very reminiscent of his peeparoonie. In the meantime, I would hit the most horrendous version of the running man you will ever see. With all of that being said, I thought that my WWE debut was the perfect opportunity for my Tide-white-like running man. I walked to the ring with the music I always used, “Walk” by Pantera. I can hear the RVD fans now, but at that point I had no clue he was using it too. I was clueless to ECW. I climbed in the ring and started dancing like a madman. It looked like I was having a seizure.
Our referee (and now one of my best friends in the business), Timmy White, was dumbstruck. My mom, sitting in the front row, snapped a picture of this spectacle her son was making of himself. She caught Timmy's incredulous look perfectly. I still laugh when I see that picture.
Finally, Bob hit the ring, and it was time for him to stare at me in disbelief, and try not to laugh. Now with Bob Holly, that's tough to do, and I think I won him over. The match went great, the people were into it, even though they had no clue who I was. This was the beginning. Which led me, seven years later, to the Copps for a little promo. Just a little howya' doin'.
Full Column available at wwe.com and HIGHLY recommended.
What would you guys say if I told that you that EDDY GUERRERO VS. KURT ANGLE is headlining the fucking Survivor Series! Yeah, I'd think it was pretty cool too, but unfortunately we don't always get what we want in life. The bad news? Both the Pro-Wrestling Torch and The Wrestling Observer Newsletters are reporting that the Smackdown brand is building towards The Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon in what will likely be billed as the top feud in the company! See, now you guys have something to look forward to. You're welcome.
TSN's "Off the Record" often plays host to professional wrestlers making controversial statements of the shoot variety. Never one to resist shooting off his mouth, Hulk Hogan recently appeared calling Mick Foley --arguably the most beloved wrestler of the past 25 years aside from Ric Flair-- lazy and criticizing his work ethic. On Monday, those of you lucky enough to live in Canada can see Mick Foley respond to Hogan's words in the season premier of Off the Record. Here's to hoping that Foley tears into Hogan hardcore and by all means send me a full report. (1Wrestling.com)
Jerry Elsner, Illinois State Crime Commission Director, has recently made waves by attempting to pass a law that will require a disclaimer preceding live events and broadcasts asking that children please not try the moves at home. After a local youth was paralyzed by taking a piledriver with wrestling with friends, Elsner put the gears in motion and showed a sparkling professional lack of bias by referring to wrestlers as "steroid induced freaks". If the law passes, the group spearheading it hopes to take it nationally. As always, my stance is that if parents are irresponsible enough to let their children piledriver each other, all of the disclaimers in the world aren't going to help. (1Wrestling.com)
In the straight to video classics department, it appears as though some remnants of the illustrious film career that Rena "Sable" Mero left World Wrestling Entertainment for are still surfacing. Due out on November 04, I give to you: "Slaves of the Realm"...
Produced by MTI Video --The same company that also offers such classics as Spreading Ground, Killers 2: The Beast, The Polish Vampire in Burbank and Curse of the QueerWolf -- the film features amongst the funniest tag lines that I have ever read: "Strapped of their innocence...THEY WERE LEFT TO THE MERCY OF THE LASH".
The companies' website summarizes the action as follows:
In a distant time and place a country is divided into several kingdoms. The king of the richest has recently died and his son and heir will have a new bride selected for him from amongst the princesses by Shira (Rena Mero), the high priestess. But before the selection can begin, the beautiful princesses must be freed from their jealous kidnappers, who have forced them to work in the silver mines!
Ha, the silver mines. Credit for this story goes to the fine members of TheSmartMarks forum who unsurfaced it and you can read more about the film here.
When I was a kid, I would always look forward to Tuesdays. On Tuesday's, Mom would pick us up from school and take her three precious children to the grocery store with her while she bought groceries for the rest of the week. I looked forward to Tuesdays all week, not because I had a perverse affixation with the produce aisle, but because of the enthusiasm I took sprinting to the magazine aisle to see if the latest Bill Apter/Stuart Saks magazine had hit the shelves yet. I would spend what seemed like hours thumbing through the black and white pages of "Pro Wrestling Illustrated", "The Wrestler", "Inside Wrestling", "Sports Review Wrestling" or sometimes even the swank "Wrestling World" if nothing else was available. I would read for nearly an hour until either my mother finished shopping or the trollish old bagboy Horus would instruct us that "this isn't a library" and ask us to leave the store despite the fact that we were only 9 years old. What I wouldn't give to run into Horus in a dark alley these days. Anyway, I still have probably about 200-300 of these magazines sitting in the closet in my hometown and the hokey kayfabed publications are amongst my fondest childhood keepsakes. Recently, I have experienced a renaissance of enthusiasm for these magazine rack publications and have been picking up quite a few. I spent a good deal of time with the Mid Year Report Issue of Inside Wrestling recently and though slightly more smarkish than before, the magazines are still staying true the formula of twenty years ago. I just got my hands on an issue of one of the very most anticipated magazines of the year, The PWI 500. This magazine painstakingly ranks the 500 best wrestlers in the world and probably takes weeks of work hours to complete. I would highly recommend picking it up and here is a look at the top of the top of the list...
PWI 500
1) Brock Lesnar
2) HHH
3) Kurt Angle
4) Keji Muto
5) Chris Jericho
6) The Big Show
7) Booker T.
8) Kenta Kobashi
9) Eddie Guerrero
10) RVD
11) A.J. Styles
12) John Cena
13) Chris Benoit
14) El Hijo del Santo
15) Jeff Jarrett
16) Shinya Hashimoto
17) Matt Hardy
18) The Undertaker
19) Rey Mysterio
20) Christopher Daniels
21) The Hurricane
22) Raven
23) Kane
24) Koji Kanemoto
25) Charlie Hass
Now the nice thing about this list is that if it were written by anyone on the Internet, they would get crucified for ranking The Big Show, Booker T and HHH above A.J. Styles. However, because it was written from a marks perspective, it's a fun read and not meant to be beaten into the ground by dweebs crunching median star ratings on Microsoft Excel. You can look for it at your local newsstands, or see the entire list here. Wish Bob Magee a speedy recovery of his hands after typing up all 500 names.
In the continuing saga of Rob Black and Lizzie Borden, the couple recently pleaded not guilty in their arraignment last Wednesday in Pittsburgh, PA. According to PWBTS.com, Rob Black (Rob Zicari) was quoted as saying "We're facing more time than the guy that they just arrested that was trying to sell the surface-to-air missle". Black and Borden are facing charges of violating selectively enforced obscenity laws when shipping films depicting staged rape and murder across state borders as apparently it's ok to possess these videos in California and drop them over residential neighborhoods in Los Angeles, but as soon as one crosses into Nevada a treacherous sin is being committed. The bulk of activists for this law are said to be Christians who tend to admire Attorney General John Ashcroft. "The current prosecution of Extreme Associates should put the pornography industry on notice that the U.S. Department of Justice is vigorously enforcing the federal obscenity laws," said a member of prosecution. I guess "vigorously" enforcing means exercising the law only a handful of incredibly random times per year.
Don't get me wrong, I think that Extreme Associates are sick for recognizing the demand for pornography that consists of women being raped, tortured and killed and producing it and I think the people who order it are in general a threat to society, but the more I hear about the case the more it sounds like a witch hunt by the Bush campaign --which points the finger at Bill Clinton for dropping the ball on obscenity prosecution during his time in office -- to make an example out of somebody before reelection time in order to sway the Christian vote.
Yes, Rob Black did break the law and deserves punishment, but 50 years is just preposterous for violation of a law so outdated and open ended that seven states have already dropped it and given free reign to pornography producers as long as no children are involved and no one gets hurt for real. A simple look through the internet reveals some truly sick, grotesque, twisted subcultures of people who lurk deep in the bowels of the internet posting on message boards chipperly about their fantasies about mutilating and eating women. Honestly, these nutcases can be anyone and are probably the seemingly-normal people that we come into contact with every day. If fictional videos of this carnage wasn't around to appease them, who knows if they would do it themselves. I'm not condoning Black's actions, but honestly I think the people who order the filth should be put under the microscope just as much as the producers if not more.
I think Paul Fishbein, president of Adult Video News , a trade journal for the adult entertainment industry, said it best. "They're horrible, unwatchable, disgusting, aberrant movies that I'd have to vote were not obscenity because the First Amendment is pure and has to remain pure". Scary things start to happen when censorship kick in and I would honestly vote for a bundle of carrots before I would ever, EVER vote for Joe Lieberman. By the obscenity laws, anything thought to be excessively obscene by societies standards as a whole without any kind of artistic intention is susceptible to prosecution if carried over borders or transmitted state-to-state via the Internet. By that definition the makers of "The Toxic Avenger" and "Mortal Kombat" could just as easily find themselves in prison for fifty years as well. I am in no way defending Rob Black as I'm sure he has a laundry list of other crimes that he can spend the rest of his life in prison for, but this isn't something I'd like to see the ball start rolling on regardless of how disgusting the films in question are.
Randy Savage has announced on his official website that his first hip-hop album entitled "Be a Man" will be hitting store shelves on October 7th. All apologies for the confusion last week in regards to the link to the audio file. Both lethalwrestling.com and machoman.com have posted real media versions of the "Be a Man" title track on their main pages. It's definitely worth a listen as despite the cheesy cuts on Hogan, Savage actually isn't halfway bad at rapping.
And finally, huge congratulations to Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels for being inducted into the Wrestling Observer Hall of Fame, about the most prestigious Hall of Fame in wrestling. Two others were also inducted in the class of 2003. Who were they? Well, you'll just have to subscribe to find out. No joke, if you have three or four extra bucks laying around, I spent two hours with this issue the other night and with huge career retrospectives on both Michaels and Benoit, I guarantee it's better than that pack of smokes you were going to spend your money on. Plus Meltzer won't kill or cause emphazema.
The
Bower N' Burgan Cartoon Showcase
With Derek Burgan currently on vacation, what would have become of us if he hadn't penned yet another blockbuster world premiere cartoon? Another blackout? Wide spread economic Collapse? A worldwide epidemic of lockjaw? Fortunately for you, neither of our heroes failed to impress with another knee-slappingly funny duo of CARTOONS!
Now, enough with the banter, on with the CARTOONS!
Will our two mild mannered heroes ever cease to make you cackle uncontrollably?
Will Derek and Jay become America's most desirable men?
Will that Slippery Levesque ever meet his match?
What surprise will Cheap Pops have in store next?
Tune in next week...
Same Burgan time,
Same Bower channel!
The 411Mania News-Center Wrestler of the Week:
The year was 2000 and Andrew "Test" Martin was primed to burst into the main event scene. After a compelling slowly built romance with Stephanie McMahon that was turning him into a pretty popular babyface, Test found himself in the middle of the ring ready to marry Vince McMahon's daughter. The setup was perfect with a cheesy love song crooned at ringside, members of the McMahon family on hand in tuxes and an elaborate set. It was amongst the probably five to ten most memorable moments in Raw history, and Test played his part to perfection. From his mannerisms to his facials to his words, he really seemed like a guy about to tie to the knot. But it wasn't to be as Triple H --who still wasn't over yet despite months of monster pushing --sabotaged the wedding, drugging the bride and hitting the arena to cut one of the best promos of his career. Calling Vince "Dad" and asking "Not if, but how many times will we consummate the marriage", Triple H's career was launched at that point in time in my opinion.
Test was a man scorned, his wife drugged and forced to marry the man she hated. This should have set up a series of pay-per-view matches that would have propelled both men's careers into the stratosphere, but it didn't. Instead, Triple H treated Test as an afterthought, defeating him once on television, never giving him a shot at revenge on pay-per-view and basically killing Test's heat in a matter of weeks, something that Test never recovered from.
Since then, Test has been close to breaking out but something has always happened. Whether it be stuck in a tag team with Albert, playing third fiddle in The Union or having the Un-Americans --a group making main event waves on Smackdown-- sent to Raw to die like everything else on the vacuum of a show. (Test may have joined the group when they came to Raw, I can't quite remember).
Then, Test finally got a haircut and to many people's surprise, the shorter hair actually looked better. Sporting a new array of tights and a new haircut, sometimes that is all it takes to rejuvenate your career, something Christian and Hulk Hogan can attest to though all three also made drastic improvements in their overall character and ring work as well. Soon, Test was teamed with Stacy Kiebler and the "Testicles" catch phrase was introduced. Though exactly the kind of stupid thing WWE fans tend to latch on to, the gimmick was dropped inexplicably soon thereafter despite Test's shirt becoming a hot seller on Shopzone.
Through his teaming with Stacy Kiebler, Test has really come into his own with his character. Perfectly embodying the egotistical jerkoff who usually gets the girl and then treats her like crap, the former bodyguard is quickly becoming amongst the most hated on a show where most are usually met with indifference.
After perhaps the best post-wedding performance of his career in recent weeks, Test was nowhere to be found at SummerSlam or Raw despite being, in my opinion, amongst the best things going on Raw today. While internet dweebs in chatrooms everywhere chime in with silly, unreadable font saying "Test sux dood!" because it's the popular opinion amongst other idiots, I'm going to liberate Test from that stigma HERE AND NOW! Test is finally drawing some serious heat in the ring, is a much better worker than anyone gives him credit for, can be effective on the mic and has gotten himself into the best physical shape of his career. Test was great on The New Tom Green Show at a time when Triple H, The Undertaker and Bill Goldberg have all come off pretty flat on late night talk shows and aside from that, his piss drunk performances on Girls Gone Wild and more recently the DivaSearch website were amongst the greatest things that I have ever heard. One thing is obvious, and that is with Test's physical and psychological progress as of late, he is making a serious effort to improve himself on a show where everyone seems content with simply treading water. For these reasons, Test is YOUR 411Mania News-Center wrestler of the week!
Previous Winners: Rob Van Dam 8/24/03
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A Plug, a Plug, My Kingcone for a Plug:
You know who's a BAD motherfucker? Ben Morse. Amongst the best writers to ever grace this website and one of the proud who built it into what it is today, Morse is back for the first time in what seems like forever with a brand new edition of "The Mean" detailing the journey that is Eddie Guerrero. Check it out now before it has time to cool off.
What's been going on over at The Wrestling Oratory? I think the question is, what HASN'T been going on at The Wrestling Oratory? Samir has a new column up detailing his journey to become a professional wrestler, Scott Newman has a couple of GREAT new works up, Raw and Smackdown reviews, Xavier's NWA WAR report, Jon Tyler's recap of a hilarious shoot interview with Sid and a look at the warped mix of faces and heels on Raw by my main man who I hope to be hooking up with at an upcoming MLW show, Drqshadow. Go.
What's new at Derek Burgan's GumGod.com? Well, for one thing my Playing the Game archives are slowly beginning to file in and who knows, you might just find a site exclusive edition over there soon. Also, Derek has a TON of Cheap Pops cartoons, the popular "Ask Derek Anything" column and my personal favorite, the Kayfabulator 5000, a high tech machine that deciphers the true meaning of public statements made by your favorite professional wrestlers. Check it out James.
Check out this relatively new interview with Scott Keith if for no other reason than it features a photo of me and The Netcop refers to me as "invaluable". Shucks Scott, I never knew you cared.
There is always something crazy going on at Scotsmanality and as if you haven't been already, you should check out the stylings of Flea, Hyatte, Grut, Gagnon and (the MVP of 411 right now as far as I'm concerned) Eric S. over at 1Ryderfakin.com. Tell them I'll sent you and they'll gleefully tell you that they are all over there to get away from me.
What's new with the hardworking kids over at TheSmartMarks? Why don't you find out for yourself you lazy sack of shit, but be prepared to spend a few hours rummaging through the quality content. Ya heard.
Well there you have it, another Sunday morning spent together. Wasn't it fantastic? You've never had better have you? Well on that note, it's finally FOOTBALL season for my beloved Florida State Seminoles and Jacksonville Jaguars, so I'll be taking in a max of two home games a week on the weekends for the next few months so if the updates start to get a bit shorter, excuse me for breathing a little fresh air will you? Normally when I say this my updates only serve to get longer, so I wouldn't worry just yet. In the meantime, do yourselves a favor and go over to StraylightRun.com and download ANY of the five demo songs, they are amongst the best I have heard in a long, long time. Until next week, thanks as always for reading and take it easy.
