The Midnight News 9.22.03
Posted by Jay Bower on 09.22.2003
The Internet Wrestling Celebrity fills in and says farewell + Unforgiven...
What? Expecting somebody else?
How do we start these things again? Oh, yes...
Hey there and welcome back to yet another, and THE FINAL edition of the Jay Bower weekly news update. Dry those tears Willis, it's been a great run, but sadly all good mediocre things must come to an end. As you may have noticed, I'm not Chris Hyatte. Where is your normal Monday host? Well, Chris has family coming into town and his kitchen is simply a mess! He asked if I could fill in while he takes the night off to MOP UP. (Cue laugh track). Sorry, sorry, a little humor between Internet Wrestling Celebrities. To make a long story short, Hyatte has shit to do, misses you, wishes he could be here with you and looks forward to seeing you next week. He asked me to fill in and after heated negotiations, I agreed so long as he would allow me to use the name The Midnight News in order to trick people into actually reading the column. I put on my steppin' shoes and headed on into the office one more time.
Well, after a streak of nearly eight months where I only missed a column twice, I recently found myself missing The 411Mania News-Center three consecutive weeks in a row. Now one would think that after an unusually long absence, many of you would probably be worried about the man who brings you the laughter and tears each Sunday morning. Perhaps a little concerned for his safety and well being in this dangerous day and age? The panic evidently wasn't as widespread as I would have liked as only three of you emailed me and asked what was up. That's correct, three of you. Those three may continue reading, all others should really think about what they have done.
I must apologize in advance for the uncharacteristically short nature of this column, but I accepted on relatively sudden notice and have to wake up far too early in the morning tomorrow to pull off another update that challenges the maximum character limits of the 411Mania software. Without further adieu, let's move ahead to a relatively small section of news. Off we go.
Wish I was Hyatte? Perhaps Eric S?
Flea? Grut? Follow escape route above.
The News:
Last evening, World Wrestling Entertainment's Raw brand put on what will go down as the least purchased WWE pay-per-view since 1996 in WWE Unforgiven. Though I live less than a mile from a sports bar showing the event free of cover, I just couldn't drag myself up there this evening. Results are in however!
- The Dudley Boyz defeated La Resistance in a tables match to win the WWE Raw tag team titles.
- Test pinned Scott Steiner. According to stipulations set two weeks ago on Raw, I think Scott Steiner has to have sex with Test...or become his slave. One of the two.
- Randy Orton defeated Shawn Michaels with a tainted victory after Shawn Michaels had Orton pinned and after Orton used brass knuckles. The match was said to do little to bring Orton to the next level.
- Lita & Trish defeated Molly and Gail Kim.
- Kane defeated Shane McMahon after Shane threw himself off a balcony 40 feet in the air.
- Christian defeated Rob Van Dam and Chris Jericho to retain his Intercontinental Championship.
- Al Snow and The Coach defeated Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. In a striking twist of irony, the match between rival announcers had no announcers. Said to be a match of the year candidate.
- Bill Goldberg defeated Triple H to win the WWE Raw world heavyweight championship.
Speaking of That Slippery Levesque, Triple H has recently signed to appear in the upcoming feature film "Blade: Trinity" according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. Triple H will miss several weeks of action soon and will then miss several more weeks in December . World Wrestling Entertainment also dealt with the problem of Triple H being unable to find acting work by, you guessed it, writing a script and shooting it themselves! In something straight out of a bad dream, Triple H will star in a WWE Films western called "Jornada Del Muerte". World Wrestling Entertainment plans on turning Triple H into a modern day version of Steve Austin after he goes babyface, something that will be difficult in my opinion due to the genuine unlikeableness of The H-Man. The lead role was originally planned for Steve Austin as it is said to be tailor made for him, but someone "booked" Triple H into the lead role instead.
Like I said, not much news this week.
After spending so much time together after the past few years, you must feel slightly pained to learn of my retirement from active duty. Almost romantically scorned. Well, I have neatly compiled the following list of reasons for my departure. I know it's hokey and this is already turning into probably the worst news update that I have ever written in all honesty, but humor me as I had about an hour to write this and nothing but fluff to work with.
The Reasons Jay is Leaving You + Anti-Internet Fun:
1) Time:
In all honesty, the benefits of spending many hours late at night or early in the morning on my only day off of the week simply aren't strong enough to keep penning the News-Center. You, the 411 reader, likely take for granted the fact that a column that takes you five minutes to read takes the author hours to write, around seven in my case. This may sound absurd, but reading two lengthy newsletters and scouring every nook and cranny of the internet for unreported news takes about two hours and compiling it, compressing it and tacking witty lines to the end of each item takes at least another hour. Throw in another 90 minutes to write a cartoon, search for pics to use, cut them out and align them and then wrap it all up into a neat package. We're sitting at five hours now and we haven't done an intro, conclusion, the two other usual assorted segments, produced images or uploaded them. When we're done with that, we then have to spell check the document so one of you peanutheads doesn't run it through the ringer and email it to Ashish as conclusive proof why I should be removed from my esteemed position. Finally, we have to html tag it, which is honestly one of my least favorite things in the entire world. I have screamed more obscenities at my computer late at night than I have ever though possible and it just isn't fun. This is my last semester before graduating, we Florida State Seminoles are flying up the AP and Coaches polls and I'd like to enjoy these times as far away from my computer as possible. Not to mention the fact that I have to pass six 3000/4000 level classes on top of working and interning if I want to graduate in three months. Yeah I know, I'll take some cheese with that whine.
2) THE IWC:
On a normal week, my little column usually takes in five-digit hits yet I usually only hear from about 10-15 of you, half of whom typically have something incredibly negative to say written on the third grade level that I'm sure makes you feel much, much better about yourself. I don't mind honestly because the feedback thing gets depressing really fast. It's cool to hear from people, but it sucks to not have the time or energy to write them all back which comes across as me, some random dweeb, being "too good" to write you back. In some people's case, like R__ Sc___, it *IS* because he thinks he is too good to write you back. You see, wasting six years of your life writing some mediocre news update and never crediting your news makes you the EPHITOME of cool in this crazy pond. Let's travel back in time shall we...
Jay's former AltWrestling pal Will Parrish (best columnist in IWC history PERIOD) falls off the face of the earth just after merging with OO. Jay --not yet the shining Internet Wrestling Celebrity that he would become -- stops hearing from Will frequently and never sees him online anymore. Jay, putting two and two together, worries something happened to his friend so he emails Ric asking if he knows if Parrish is ok. No response. Jay once again emails Ric the next day asking if Will is ok. No Response. Jay once again emails Ric, asking if Will is ok. No Response. On the fourth try, Jay simply writes "Is Will Ok, feel free to respond with just a "yes" or "no". No response. Jay resends the email. No response. Finally after having the first six emails ignored, Jay begins to flood his mailbox. Scaia crawls out from under his rock and responds with something along the lines of "You are a resilient little rascal aren't you", admitting that he knew I was worried and wouldn't lift a finger to respond because he is just a little too important to be bothering with me. You keep on telling yourself that Ricky.
Sadly, this tool is just one of the jaded self marks out there who thinks he is in the position to be thinking he is above anyone. I've got news for a lot of you, Vince McMahon ISN'T reading your column, every negative word you say just means a little bit less, no matter how much of a professional you try to paint yourself out to be, your column is never going to get you a job with The New York Times and for every one of those two dozen readers in your inbox who you look down on, 500 million people in the outside world think you're a creepy middle aged man who should just shut up and get a real job. We get it, WWE sucks, now please just shut your piehole.
Luckily however, we have a pretty damn good staff here at 411Mania. Though I find him to be a bit too hard on the product sometimes, Scott Keith works his ass off for the Mania and deserves his success. He, along with Eric S. (who NEVER misses a column despite having brutal back-to-back news updates) makes up the backbone of the site and deserve co-MVP honors in my opinion. Hyatte is who he is and pulls no punches and I respect him for that. On a site where a lot of the popular writers have a small but vocal percentage of the readership who can't stand them, nobody EVER has a bad thing to say about Josh Grut. Daniels is the man and with a strong core of old columnists meshing with a new group of fresh faces with Widro and Ash thanklessly turning the gears behind the scenes, 411Mania is one corner of the web that I can actually still read as a fan. Best of luck in the future boys.
3) You:
Three weeks ago, I wrote a three-paragraph piece discussing the fact that Test receives just a little too much criticism from the thousands of self-proclaimed wrestling experts and historians on the World Wide Web. I stated that I personally have been entertained by his character as of late and commended his efforts in becoming even more physically impressive than he was before. I knew that I was taking a controversial stance but I am entitled to my opinion. I certainly wasn't expecting the response that the statement provoked. Roughly fifty of you responded, not only chiming in and disagreeing, but calling me names, talking down to me and flapping your gums because I had the nerve to compliment someone on your "Bad Workrate" list. I wasn't personally offended nor did I lose any sleep, but it made me realize how out of touch I am with a lot of you wackos in actually allowing myself to like someone who never competed in the Super J-Cup. Let me ask those of you with the sassy attitudes this…
Do you even remember why you became a fan of wrestling in the first place?
Do you even remember why you became a fan of wrestling in
the first place?
Do you even remember why you became a fan of wrestling in the first place?
People wonder why World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't listen to the Internet. I know, it's because many of the lunatics can never be pleased. We forget that we are the overwhelming minority and we confuse what's good for business with what's good for us and sadly, it seems like the biggest "expert" is usually equivocal to the most negative person on any given discussion forum. Many of us say things like "I have good things to say about WWE, I think Chris Benoit is awesome". I think Chris Benoit is awesome too, but he's not going to sell out Safeco Field with a two hour iron man match against Eddie Guerrero and if you really think so you need to put down your dirt-sheet long enough to get some fresh air.
If you need no further proof that our collective opinion would make a horrible business model, look no further than recent trends in ratings. World Wrestling Entertainment did EVERYTHING correctly in promoting the Iron Man match between Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle. They hyped it for weeks, treated it like a legitimate sporting event, gave it a full hour and the athletes put on a match Wade Keller rated as *****. The result? A disappointing rating. However, the Kane angle --which most of the net view as preposterous and an embarrassment-- has been pulling in WWE high viewership. The Internet is completely out of touch with the interests of the WWE fan base as a whole, which truthfully makes the majority of what most of its writers say complete nonsense.
They piss and moan about people who can't "work" completely oblivious to the fact that people who can't work BUILT the sport of wrestling.
The Sheik was arguably the biggest draw of all time, yet he was one of the VERY worst wrestlers to ever grace the ring. His feud with the equally bad Bobo Brazil spanned three decades and many call it the greatest feud of all time despite the fact that the matches were dreadful on all levels. Bobo Brazil finally getting the better of The Sheik after years of trying is regarded as one of the single greatest moments in the history of the sport despite no flashy lucha moves being used. The recently departed Fred Blassie drew more money than almost anyone in wrestling history in Japan and America, yet he wasn't a renowned mat wrestler. Ernie Ladd broke many color barriers in wrestling yet he stunk in the ring too. Billy Graham, self-admittedly awful in the ring, was the prototype for what wrestling turned into in the 80's to the present. Andre the Giant was probably the most beloved wrestler of our time, yet his condition rendered him unable to perform more than punches, chops, headbuts and bodyslams. He drew in every corner of the globe and was one half of the biggest American wrestling match of all time. Yet, if he came around today, idiots on messageboards would be saying "he sucks dude, he can't work, he's bad for wrestling". Let's continue, The Junkyard Dog brought unheard of prosperity to the Mid-South territory and was adored by black and white fans alike, yet he couldn't wrestle to save his life. The Road Warriors were probably the biggest drawing tag team of all time yet weren't ring generals. Bruiser Brody was the formula for generations of brawlers to come, though I never saw him do Rolling German Suplexes. Abdullah the Butcher and Cactus Jack, two great brawlers who packed houses yet couldn't wrestle the technical style. In the Portland and Memphis territories, Roddy Piper and Jerry Lawler set business on fire yet neither were over more than glorified brawlers and tremendous showmen. How about Dusty Rhodes, Nikita Koloff and Lex Luger in the NWA? Would any of us even be watching wrestling today if it wasn't for Hulk Hogan? Would wrestling even be on cable today if it wasn't for Hulk Hogan? Probably not.
I could probably go on for days. I know that for every Dusty Rhodes there was a Ric Flair, but the modern face of wrestling was built on the backs of guys who couldn't work as well as Chris Benoit. The Wrestlemania phenomenon was created through Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Cyndi Lauper, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant, Big John Studd, JYD and indirectly The Iron Shiek. It continued to see unheard of success with King Kong Bundy, an NFL Battle Royal and a fake boxing match. Andre/Hogan of course broke all records despite maybe being the worst pay-per-view main event ever if using something as confining as stars. World Championship Wrestling never picked up until Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash and Goldberg set it on fire in the mid 90's. Aside from an occasional good match from Scott Hall, all four of the men ranged from bad to worse in the ring. How about the Attitude explosion? The feud that sparked it involved a non-wrestler and Steve Austin, who could work but was successful because of his character, not his armbar.
Sometimes, we get lucky and the guys whose characters sell tickets are also very gifted in the ring. Kurt Angle, Steve Austin and The Rock can always deliver in the ring and The Undertaker and Triple H can as well depending on their opponents. But the bottom line is that there is a reason a lot of highly talented ring generals never made it to the top, and that is the simple fact that characters, not wrestlers are what sells. Characters are what got the majority of us into wrestling. You didn't see Tito Santana rolling around the mat and fall in love with the sport, it was Hulk Hogan tearing his shirt off as the crowd exploded, The Ultimate Warrior shaking the ropes or Steve Austin drinking beers and giving the middle finger to the crowd.
There is a place in wrestling for truly great technical wrestlers and there is a place for immobile giants who sell tickets. If everybody in wrestling could work like Chris Benoit, then he wouldn't be "The Best Damn Technical Wrestler in the World" and if everyone could cut a promo like The Rock, then he wouldn't be "The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment". The key is finding the right balance. If you think that all of the eggs should be put in the basket labeled "Workrate", fine, go order a Ring of Honor video. While I have no doubt that ROH style combat could explode if marketed properly, showmanship rather than quality wrestling has been the formula to success for twenty five years since the cable era began. It's the way things should and will continue to be done so you could either accept it or spend another quarter million keystrokes bellyaching about something that we know perfectly well is never going to change. I don't have the time or energy anymore to continue participating.
I'm not trying to be a "heel" or anything and I know a good chunk of you are smart enough (no pun) to make up your own minds, I'm just asking you to consider what made you a fan of wrestling in the first place and if you might possibly enjoy it more if you weren't surrounded by constant bashing of something that's supposed to be an escape from the stress of everyday life, not a cause of it. I think with life, the more we tend to overanalyze things the less we find ourselves willing to enjoy them. Just sit back tonight and try and watch Raw without thinking too hard about politics, move sets or who is a locker room cancer. You might find yourself going back to that point in your life when you were a fan rather than a critic.
A Plug, A Plug...
The site is experiencing too much traffic for me to be able to load it and I need to get some sleep so I will simply link you to 411columns. A lot of new writers for you to check out, including a new guy named Jay. He is now on my hit list with Pat Brower and Jay Breur.
Well, it looks like we have reached the end of our journey guys. I apologize for the lack of energy and length in this column and would have preferred to exit with something a lot better, but I'm working with a severe case of sleep deprivation and a killer hangover from about twelve consecutive hours of binge football drinking yesterday. It's been a lot of fun. Thanks again for all of the support from those of you who have taken the time to follow my writing over the past two years. I have met some great people like Justin Baisden, John C. and Derek Burgan (Gumgod.com) whom I had some of the best times in front of my computer with not involving pornography and discount lubrication. I would make mental note to start checking out Scotsmanality.com on Sundays as Scots was kind enough to send me an invitation. As I said I really have very little time for writing, but that style column only takes me about 15 minutes to write (as opposed to seven hours) and doesn't require any extensive research. As Hyatte correctly told me this evening, I do love the sound of my own voice, so look for me to appear over there when I can from time to time in the future. Thanks to Widro, Ash, Scott Keith, Bob Magee, Ken Matthews and Tony G for hosting me over the years and to you for reading, it was a fun ride and I always dreamed of meeting each of you face to face as though you were Meg Ryan and I Tom Hanks…those three magical words…I HAVE MAIL…I………..HAVE MAIL. Perhaps we should meet? Alright, seriously, it's been fun. Until we meet again someday, thank you and farewell.
