The Midnight News 01.19.04
Posted by Hyatte on 01.19.2004
Benoit, Cena, Chasey Lane, ScoopThis, Storm, Advice, and the IWF 100!
TWO WEEKS LATER…
Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity…
WOW! That _IS_ easy!
-Shi
Yeah, yeah, yeah… ha ha… very funny.
You better watch it Hyatte cuz I'm onto you. My people are everywhere. I've kidnapped Mark Madden, and if you don't send me a pizza in 30 minutes my friend's grandpa will give him a 3-day long Roman helmet. And then I'll kill him. (Madden, not my friend's grandpa--he's already dead) HAHAHA!!! I know what books you recommend! BEWARE!
Mr. Picklebum
Uhh... okaaaay.
Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity…
There. as you requested, and I quote: "There, just cut, paste, and send..."
I wonder how many smartasses like me will send you messages like this one?
(oh, and that Jeb Tennyson Lund guy? i think you were right about the bib overalls.)
name forgotten
Okay, now enough is enough… jeeze!
I’m sure I am right too… a name like that has no choice BUT to invoke images of coveralls, corn cob pipes, and getting busy with yer sister in the hayloft… hyuck!
(He’s one of Scaia’s bad writers, for the 90% of you out there wondering)
Its all over the news boards the Kevin Nash, that rotten ratt fuck is done with WWE. You should have a tribute to US over the hopeful finish nd demise of the great walking stick with no fucking talent. This fuck has gotten hurt more times them Ahmed Johnson, and thats alot... He basically stole from the WWE by not doing a damn thing but what he does best, talk about ass fucking Scott Hall and SITTING ON HIS LARGE PA-TOOT! Sorry, im turning 30 on April 1 and im not taking it too well, and i REALLY hate Nashy so i figured it be a good time to let you know how i feel since i know the OOOOOOIMSTUPIDRICK is very buzy...
Peace
Bud
Yes but, usually it’s the WWE that’s stealing from the talent!!! NASH BEAT VINCE AT HIS OWN GAME!!! HE SHOULD BE KNIGHTED!!!
How is Kevin Nash responsible for you being an old fart?
Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity…
heh
Stappman
WHAT??? LISTEN A-HOLES, I’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THESE THINGS!!!
Howdy. Just wanted to send you a note about the woman in that clip you posted the link to last week, her name is Cytherea, and she's a newcomer to the pron industry - started in july this year, but she's done quite a few movies so far - about 40 or so by now. That clip was taken from a webcam show at KSEXradio.com called the 'Wanker Show' (yes, that's what it's called), done in July, right around when she started. The clip was made as a promotional thing, it got posted to some adult movie news site (adultFYI.com I think), and it's gotten around since then. The one you saw was a very low-res version - KSEX has a 'free downloads' page with a better version of that clip, provided that you're interested at all. Nowadays she co-hosts the thursday Wanker show, which usually involves her getting naked by the end of the show. As it comes on right after Smackdown ends in my area (Chicago), it gives me some badly needed entertainment after some of the crappy SD's that have been on recently.
As for who she looks like - I tend to think she looks more like Eliza Dusku than Natalie Portman, though now that you mention it, I see the resemblance. Maybe about 70% Eliza, 30% Natalie.
HD
Ironically, I was once a member of my local KSEX chapter… man nothing like a little fine Kindergarten Sex to brighten up your day… and put a smile on a few of those youngsters! Boy howdy!
james guttman is not a heeb! he's italian!
Laura Honeytoast
Yeah right… I’ve seen his picture. That boy’s so Jewish I bet he has an ancestor who personally hammered the spike through Christ’s feet.
Besides, I looked it up in the Torah. Guttman is Yiddish for “One who prospers by gutting the goy of his wealth”. Are you kidding me?
Honeytoast? I’m Sugarmuffin. What’s UP? How YOU doin’?
hey hyatte! once again, love the site! my question is: a friend of mine that i work with here at Giligin's in scottsdale az, also works for radio station KUPD, anywho he's a midget, named. Chewy, he's done ref gigs for WWE midget wrestling etc, anyway,he was part of the promo team for the WWE'S recent promo for the new glendale arena. 3 of the emails he received were ":allegedly" from Brett Hart, Promotions Director,. My question is , was that legit??Is the Hitman on in the capacity or what?? I'd find that hard to believe considering.......
Thanx,
Travis
FINALLY, a NORMAL question… The WWE has a guy who handles all the booking in Canada who’s name happens to be Bret Hart as well, or something close enough to be ironic… yet it’s two different people. Happy to have helped!
Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity…
Otsmith
You… you UNGRATEFUL MOTHERFU…. GAHHH!!! I’m not the cuntface, YOU’RE the cuntface!!!
Hello Cuntfaces! (SEE!!!!), I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News… I actually filled this week’s column with actual NEWS for ya! Lots of news! And we have the IWF 100 all written down and posted and everything! Very exciting stuff here. No, I’m serious.
In fact, let’s start things off with a little… a little… a little experiment that I wanted to try… actually one of a couple of experiments that I have for today. Are you ready? Good, here we go…
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS TOPICAL JOKES WITH WRESTLING AWKWARDLY ADDED IN OF THE WEEK
I take a few red hot “In the News” topics and tell a few Carson-esque jokes about it with professional wrestling mixed into the punchline.
However bad you think this will be, odds are it’ll be much, much worse.
Boy, I tell ya, it was cold outside last week.
HOW COLD WAS IT??
It was so cold many Smackdown wrestlers intentionally didn’t properly salute the Undertaker just so they could get a little HEAT!!
True story, President Bush was booed by protesters while standing over the grave of Martin Luther King! Well, after asking himself what would Vince McMahon do, President Bush turned around and shouted, “I DIDN’T SHOOT MLK!! MLK SHOT MLK!!”!! Boy I tell ya.
Speaking of Vince, he addressed his fans the other, no, this is true. He addressed his fans the other day and discussed his plans for the WWE for this year! No, really, he promised… more pure wrestling… that’s right… smarter storylines… and actual hard pushes for Cruiserweights!! How about that? Then Vince flipped the fans the bird and shouted, “HA, YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D!!”
You’re in a good mood, tonight, Mr. Bob Hope is here (audience roars), Betty White (audience roars), and comedian Pete Barbuti!! So stay where you are (*swings imaginary golf club back) we’ll be riiiight (drum roll… golf swing) back… (orchestra plays). I thank you… whoopie!!
This… I… I may be onto something here… either that or I’m completely channeling Jay Bower and don’t realize it.
BEN THERE, DONE OIT??
This opening news segment accomplishes three things: 1) It points out how YOU, John Q Buttpirate, will ruin everything, 2) It points out why I RULE, and 3) an overview of the actual NEWS in question.
The news is that the WWE plans on shifting Chris Benoit to Raw for a program with many, many top heels… injecting a little FACE into Raw’s woeful heel heavy division, especially excited is Triple H, who (if the plans are what they are), will get Benoit at Wrestlemania for the world championship.
Because these “journalists” simply can NOT let sleeping rumors lie peacefully, they started to speculate about how it should be JOHN CENA going to Raw but it WON’T BE because Cena is too good on the stick and will EMBARRASS Shawn Michaels… and OVERSHADOW him as Raw’s lead face. (a role that, incidentally, Michaels shouldn’t have BECAUSE HE SHOULDN’T BE WRESTLING!!! BUT HE IS, NOT BECAUSE HE NEEDS THE MONEY BUT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO ENTERTAIN YOUR LOSER ASSES!!!). They say Benoit, who has the mic skills of a fucking goldfish, will NOT be a threat to HBK’s starpower.
So many things are wrong with this…
First of all, Cena doesn’t make matches his own, he makes matches when his opponent is up for it. Benoit can wrestle a goddam IWC writer and make it something, (so long as the IWC writer doesn’t get winded after that long walk down the aisle). Cena has to stay at Smackdown because he has a greater variety of pure wrestlers to learn from. (whereas Raw is WAAAY longer on personality)
Second of all, Cena ain’t all that great on the mic. Those raps he does are prepared. Let’s see him improvise like the Rock, Mick Foley, Stone Cold, TRIPLE H, and KEVIN FUCKING NASH before we anoint him Wrestling God. John Cena raps very slowly, and cleaner than Will Smith with a lobotomy… I know white people like Dave Scherer think Cena is “edgy”, but just because he referenced John Ritter a few days after his death does NOT make the wigger hard-core!!
Third of all… because you all are crowing so loud about this, and because Vince is said to be QUITE fed up with all these planned ideas being leaked out, he might just say “fuck it” and keep Benoit at Smackdown! Just for fun, he might make Chris fight the FBI all year… JUST TO FUCK YOU!!!
Fourth of all… if Benoit DOES go to Raw… he’s gonna lay down for Triple H… period, end of story, get used to it, jackoff. They might even do it clean and REALLY steam your beans!!
(sidenote: Fifth of all… on last week’s RAW Rob Van Dam and Randy Orton had a real “smashmouth”, brutal, hard charging match that focused on STORYTELLING and MAT WORK as opposed to RVD flying around and killing himself… and the cocksmoking IWC, for the most part, shit on it. It was only Orton’s BEST performance to date (and a million times better than anything Cena has produced) and all you douchebags could do was piss on it. Fuck you. I hope Vince headlines WM with A-Train vs the Undertaker and then ends the show with him taking a giant SHIT on a laptop in the middle of the ring! You unappreciative, clueless, retarded, fatsos)
Now let’s see, we have the WWE MOVING Chris Benoit to RAW SPECIFICALLY to fight Triple H for the world title… a fan boy’s DREAM… something that MANY fans would have done ANYTHING to see… including KIDNAPPING someone and holding them hostage!! Now who would come up with a crazy idea like that?. Hmm? Heh… STILL think no one reads me? STILL think I have ZERO influence??? Two months ago I had Benoit at Raw fighting for the title and LOOKY, LOOKY HERE!!!
Assholes… never doubt me. If YOUR poster boy, Benoit wins the title, you BETTER DAMN WELL thank me!!
I mean, what’s it gonna take? Will Trish have to give Jericho a DVD Player for his birthday for you to realize how gr8 I am?
A BYTCH FROM THE SYTCH
Not this week, she didn’t show up… she blew off a week without warning… just tossed her hands in the air and said, “The hell with this! The readers can go screw themselves!”
A: It’s funny I always joke that wrestling is only fake when you lose. It’s a dig on the boys because we often brag about our title reigns and accomplishments but whenever we are on a losing streak always point out that it’s a work and losing is no big deal. The Internet is viewed in a similar light. If we are being praised for having the best match we seem to give you guys a lot of credence, yet oddly enough if you bury us you’re a bunch of dumb marks who have never taken a bump and don’t know what you’re talking about. I think sometimes we all take things a little too seriously. Wow I can’t believe I just said that. (LOL)
Wow… how about that. Isn’t that just DUCKY?
This is just what the net needs… more lame excuses to get all full of ourselves… UNLIKE Benoit being rushed to RAW to fight HHH (because they can’t exactly have three geeks KIDNAP Hunter for a televised storyline… because I own the copyright to that idea and Flea knows a LOT of high falutin’ Jew lawyers), this is BARELY an acknowledgment of the Net… yet it’ll be more than enough for more than a few imbeciles to get all puffier! And now it’s up to ME to work EXTRA hard keeping them down. Great, more work for me. Just what I need, thanks Lance.
AND CAN WE STOP USING “LOL”? PLEASE??? ONLY YOUNG GIRLS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO TYPE LOL… NOT GROWN MEN!!! NO ONE IS REALLY “LAUGHING OUT LOUD” (except when their talking to me, because I’m the funniest)… WHAT’S WRONG WITH “HEH”??? OR JUST “HA”???
Good God almighty… slowly but surely, the whole world is going homo on me.
Let’s shake off this faggotry and talk about something REAL MEN WHO DON’T LOL enjoy… that being: Hot babes in distress!!
CHAS(EY)ING THE DRAGON
I like porn!
There. I’m not afraid to admit it. There is NOTHING wrong with indulging in a little porn… NOR is there anything wrong with becoming obsessed with one or two porn starlets… NOR is there anything wrong with scouring the net SEARCHING for photos, free video clips, and gossip on said porn starlets!
But when you do that, you’ll lean quickly that the porn industry is more tight lipped than A nun at a truck stop, (Vince should take a lesson from the porn industry: they know how to keep secrets and they have no problems pretending that porn stars are just normal, everyday, well-balanced people!). You can’t dig up ANY gossip or incite on your favorite stars…
Double OD: Chasey Lain, Mandy Starr Survive Close Calls
By: Acme Andersson
01-12-2004
CHATSWORTH, Calif. - There were some scary moments surrounding the 2004 AVN Adult Entertainment Expo last week, with two performers being admitted to the hospital due to drug overdoses.
One of the most popular performers in the history of adult video, Chasey Lain, was admitted Saturday night after allegedly overdosing on a combination of methamphetamine and heroin. Sources say she had both drugs on her at the time as well as hypodermic needles, and that she was released from the hospital the following day. No charges were filed.
Mandy Starr was supposed to be in Vegas to sign at AEE, but never made it. She allegedly suffered a minor heart attack Wednesday after taking cocaine as she prepared to leave Minneapolis. She was reportedly hospitalized and subsequently released.
Neither performer could be reached for comment
….
…oh… my…
This is the hottest thing I’ve ever read!
No, you don’t understand… she’s accessible… she’s gettable… a major.. MAJOR (though not as major as she once was) porn star, who is hot enough to be a real MODEL, I mean, she’s GORGEOUS… no, I mean INCREDIBLE!!
And she’s a junkie!!!
This… this is big time… I’m going to fuck her. No, I am… REALLY!
CONDOM FREE!!! BARE BACK!! AIDS? Who cares about AIDS?? EVERYONE has AIDS these days, it’s no big deal. Just means you have to get them a bit drunker, IF you choose to tell them… that’s all.
I mean… who CAN’T score some H these days? Hell, it’s easier than buying milk at the grocery store. I’m gonna hunt down Chasey Lane and ask her if she wants to party with some of my heroin… BOOM… just like that, I’ve GOT HER!
And if I CAN’T score H, then I‘ll just heat up some stale Ginger Ale in the microwave and inject her with that… by the time she realizes that she ain’t getting high, I’ll have unloaded between her boobies already.
Man… manomanoman… I… I’m going to bang Chasey Lane… hard…
See, I KNEW being a virgin until 27 was going to pay off!!
MIDNIGHT NEWS UPDATE
This just in… from the same AVN site:
CHATSWORTH, Calif. - Reports of a Chasey Lain overdose and even her death during the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo this past week were rampant on several internet sites, including AVN.com. Further investigation revealed that our sources, who had informed us that the person in question who had overdosed and was taken out of the Venetian Hotel with no identification was indeed Chasey Lain, were mistaken.
On Thursday Lain stopped by the AVN offices to tell her side of the story. This is what she had to say:
"There are no details, because nothing happened, period. I didn’t overdose. Nevada is a no tolerance state, number one, so even if I had taken too much, there’s no way I could have been released. It’s legally not possible.
"There was no overdose, there was no incident, there was nothing until somebody plucked this out of thin air. I was perfectly fine, and I was with people 24/7, and there was no overdose, there was no nothing, there was no incident. My attorney’s already having papers drawn up as we speak against the people who fabricated this story, because it’s obviously slander," Lain said.
"I was there doing a promo for the band [Digital Underground] while I was there, so there’s no way I could have been OD'ing. [AVN.com has confirmed with two sources that she was in fact with two people up until the time that she allegedly overdosed.] I have my badge and it says 'Pleasure Productions' and it says 'Chasey Lain.' I read the other Website, we went online last night, I wanna find every one of these people and find out why.
"Who hates me enough to make up this shit? Obviously they’re trying to cover up someone who’s making up a lie to hurt me."
Lain went on to say, "I didn’t go to any hospital. Can they produce some hospital papers for me please? I’d like to see the record of the police report, the hospital report, can they fabricate that and produce it? Let me see it. I’ve already started tracking them all down.
"The damage is already done, you can’t get it out of their minds. It’s already done, you think the jury is gonna mind if it’s stricken from the record? I am [on trial] in the whole court of public opinion."
"There is no story."
AVN continues to investigate the facts and will have more information as it is confirmed.
So the story is bunk and nothing happened to Chasey and everything is wonderful. They even have a small photo of her smiling… she… err… the years haven’t been too kind to our Miss Lain
Great… Jesus can blow me.
Okay, nothing has changed… I’ll just have to get her (re-?) HOOKED on H and THEN bang the puppy shit out of her. That’s all.
This isn’t the first time I raided another website for some hard dirt on Chasey Lane, by the way, scroll a bit around THIS column and see an even BIGGER article on her exploits
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER…
I found this in my mailbox… the guy who sent it to me found this in IRC.
I haven't been to ScoopThis.com in a long time, but Buph gave me a copy of ChatThis! 2.5, where Hyatte and "DustyCat", whomever that is, saw fit to rip on me. Let's answer those, shall we?
Sweetser's a good kid, he's got talent. He may not be a leading name in commentary now, but he will be soon.
Soon? I hear the guy was writing Dean Y Rey stories for STc 2 years ago before his ego got him fired. How much more time does the guy need before he's a somebody.
You heard wrong, Dusty.
1) Dean Y Rey, contrary to what NoSoul/Vizh/whatever name he's using today might tell people, was never written for STc. It was a way for myself and my friend on IRC to just have a little fun in channel. Enough people in #wrestling thought it was funny and wanted a compilation of the stuff, so I put it together for the channel newsletter. On a whim - and because NoSoul asked, a fact that seems to be lost here - I sent it to STc to have it archived.
I never worked for STc and until they show a modicrum of intelligence and originality, never will. Anything told by NoSoul to the contrary is clearly bunk. It's amazing how much less funny STc became after he stopped getting most of his ideas from #wrestling, but that's another story for another time.
2) I never claimed to be a "leading Internet writer" and never will be. I have other things to do besides this, as is evidenced by me being probably the least prolific nWWWo member. I don't believe I've ever claimed to be top-notch at this - I'm just a guy having a little fun.
If becoming a "somebody" will turn me into guys like Hyatte and NoSoul, then I'll gladly stay a nobody.
In closing on this particular topic, to Hyatte, DustyCat, NoSoul and the rest, I thank you for the free publicity
Mike Sweetser… from the OLD NWWWO and absolutely nothing else.
Umm… yeah, you’re welcome. Who the fuck is “Buph”?
Unfortunately, LOSER, the chat in question, the one you are quick to correct everyone on happens to be FOUR YEARS OLD. You are reacting to ancient history… OVER-reacting, in fact.
I shot this over to NoSoul. He needed time to remember, but he did and had THIS to say:
Oh, I remember now. Yeah, Dean Y Rey was a very funny parody written by a wrestling chatroom guy called Mike Sweetser, and someone else whose name I unfortunately can’t remember; which is a shame as I remember him being a pretty nice guy. But as the squeaky wheel gets the attention, it’s Mike’s name I remember.
Assuming for a moment that he was at least 50% responsible for the Dean Y Rey stories – and not just another talented writer’s mouthpiece – then he had as much potential as anyone I've ever come across on STc. And that’s saying a lot, given the talented people we’ve had to turn down. However, Sweetser’s ego just made him impossible to deal with for more than 5 seconds. He made people like you, Jarrod Triplett and Scott Keith look like Robert Lamb – the most talented and down-to-earth writer in the history of the IWC.
Consider for a moment the number of galaxy-sized egos I’ve had to entertain in my role as STc Editor. Part of my job is ignoring those egos long enough to reap the benefits of their talent and work for the website. Only once in the entire 3-year history of STc was an ego so big, and a personality so dislikable, that I simply had to wave the white flag and show them the door, DESPITE a pretty decent product.
I don’t remember who was ghost-writing at the time, and I don’t agree with a lot of what went down in those transcripts, but Dusty called it : a lot of us have since moved on, and those who haven’t have a nice legacy to look back on. Mike Sweetser can boast none of the above, despite all the talent in the world. Because as much as he liked to spit on STc back then – and continue to do so today – his 4 seconds on our site was as popular as he was ever going to become as a writer.
But these “too-cool-for-the-room” types tend to respond that they never sought the fame, the public acceptance, the large readerships… that these are for lesser people. It’s all good. As long as Mike’s happy with where he’s at today. But I’ve got to wonder… how happy can someone really be when they’re emailing IWC columnists to whine about something that happened 4 years ago that their ego still cannot accept today? How does that do anything but prove everything ever said about the guy true?
RIGHT!!
Ya know… if you’re like me, then right now you are thinking A: Christ almighty, this Sweetser is a load; B: Christ almighty, Hyatte’s low on material… AGAIN; C: is Hyatte using the semicolon properly here?; And D: IRC STILL EXISTS??? In that order.
Okay, now that THAT 4 YEAR OLD mystery is cleared up, (and dear god, how DID we all get along without getting to the bottom of this for so long??) and since we’re in a ball-busting-mood…
MY THREE STOOGES
He is the Rick, and he’s better than ALL OF YOU!!:
Tuxedo Alex 3333: Hey, you're the guy that Hyatte always encourages to talk to! Tuxedo Alex 3333: I don't see what the big deal is. It's really mean to make fun of you like that.
Tuxedo Alex 3333: Personally, I don't see what Hyatte has against gay people. Tuxedo Alex 3333: Everyone has a right to choose, and if you choose to be gay, than by all means GO FOR IT!
Tuxedo Alex 3333: Maybe this is the reason you've never responded to anyone. Senseless quips and jokes from people who don't even know you. Tuxedo Alex 3333: I mean, that WAS a cheap shot...a VERY cheap shot at you're expense. OORick signed off at 12:01:45 AM.
OORick signed on at 12:01:54 AM. Tuxedo Alex 3333: Good! I can talk to you some more! Tuxedo Alex 3333: I can do more cheap shots, and you can sign off, and Hyatte can have some more column filler!
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error: User OORick is not available.
Tuxedo Alex 3333: Not available my ass!
Previous message was not received by OORick because of error: User OORick is not available.
Alas… alas…
I also received an e-mail from someone with an AIM convo between him and talked of my regular Rick harrassers… I’d post it but it wasn’t all that interesting. Just to let the guy who sent it to me know.
And just to show that it’s ALL about equal opportunity around here…
FLEAING THE SCENE
This interesting conversation showed up in my in-box the other day:
HyatteFakin (7:07:20 PM): HAYTEE AND FLEA TOGETHER AGAIN!!! WHAT BAD PLANS ARE THEY COMING UP WITH?? HyatteFakin (7:08:43 PM): SIX DEGREES OF FLEA BAKING!! HyatteFakin (7:08:53 PM): 1: Snorts cocaine! HyatteFakin (7:09:02 PM): 2: sticks his head in the oven! HyatteFakin (7:09:09 PM): TWO DEGREES OF FLEA BAKING!!
Ryder Fakin signed off at 7:09:10 PM.
This cracked me up for hours.
“HyatteFakin”…. How DARE that… that… CREEP insult the King of the Internet and the Creator of the IWC 100 like that! How DARE he!!
Heh. Flea baking… BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS. TRISH HYATTE
So, here’s what happened.
Vince is holding his little Raw meeting and screaming about how everyone has to crank it up during these shaky times and then a little hand creeps up. It’s Trish Stratus. Vince says “Yeah, baby?” Trish wonders if maybe they make the house show cards more in tune with what goes on TV, the fans might get more excited enough to come?
Well, Vince belittled her and patted her head and said, “You know nothing, you are nothing, and I think the peroxide has leaked into your brain, you silly thing!”
Then Vince had Trish re-enact the graphic dildo scene from the movie “Requiem for a Dream” with Stephanie’s pet Shar Pei, FiFi… in front of everyone.
Needless to say, Trish won’t ever speak up again; lesson LEARNED.
This whole story was (kindasorta) spilled by Wade Keller on his hotline, and you could tell Wade had a MASSIVE erection in his pants as he was the FIRST to break this story before that no-good homo Dave Scherer.
Why any woman would want to be in the WWE is beyond me.
Poor kid.
On a side note, Dave Scherer WOULD have reported it, but he’s too busy giving everyone weight loss tips. See, Dave took off ten pounds and now he’s carrying on as if he has Randy Orton’s body.
Moral of the story: Everyone sucks except for me and Trish… and go rent “Requiem for a Dream”.
WHAT SOOTHES YON SAVAGE BEAST?
Let’s talk about music for a bit… actually for a very brief bit… actually I just have three comments here:
1: Evanescence: Am I hearing this right? The band is basically two people and one of them quit already? AFTER THEY JUST MADE IT?? Wow, that girl must be a SHRILL…. Speaking of “shrill”, my God, that broad oversings EVERY WORD… I mean… EVERYTHING out of her mouth is overcooked!
2: The Darkness: I’m sorry, but I am NOT ready for am 80’s glam/hairband revival… 80’s hairbands were NEVER good and had NOTHING to say and ALL sounded the same. Fucking Cobain would’ve killed himself had he lived long enough to see this!... AND for crying out loud… why are all you idiots creaming over a band who’s lead singer is doing a “Tiny Tim rocks out” impression?
3: The Van Halen reunion: Sorry Eddie, wrong singer. I still haven’t forgiven you for “Balance”.
That’s it… opinions as you like them!
HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE: SAMPLER
Flea is off on business (*COUGHrehabHACK) so he won’t be updating his site for a few weeks.
Yet I have all these questions from people who need advice and need it NOW!!! (but I always need more, so hop to it!)
So until Flea’s back in business after rescuing his daughter from the Bible thumpers (SOO inside), I’ll post a few questions here and offer timely, smart, look-it me I’m gr8 advice!! Okay? Great! We start off with a letter about the worst nightmare a boy can have… the nightmare of… well, see for yourself:
Hey, If you actually decide to answer this question, leave out the name and the email address if you can. I would appreciate it.
I enjoy the hell out of the column. Good read and you seem pretty level headed in your advice so I figured I would ask your advice, since my friends are not as intelligent as you seem to be.
I am a 22 year old graduate student who has been seeing the same girl since September. We met at a party, attend separate colleges, and had no mutual friends before we met. One of those random meetings that you don't ever think will happen but it did. I am in love with her, more so than I have ever been with any previous girlfriend, and I really think she could be "the one". Take that as you will since my strong feelings make this situation harder than it should be. This girl is also the first girl I have ever had sex with.
I have had other opportunities before but decided not to because I was waiting for the person who it just felt right with, as dumb as that sounds. She is much more experienced than I am (she is into the double digits and is 21 years old), but I did not envision this being a problem since we both seemed to care deeply about each other. I should also add we waited about a month to have sex because I wanted to make sure this was what I wanted to do.
It happened, and my worst nightmare came true. I suck in bed. I don't know what it is, and I have done everything in my power to fix whatever the problem is, but nothing has worked. I am the two minute chump that would get joked on in the high school locker room and it has made for some very uncomfortable situations in the bedroom, as you might imagine it would.
My girlfriend, despite this problem for the past couple of months, seems to care more about me with each passing day and keeps telling me how she wants to be with me forever. She calls all the time and we spend about five days out of the week together. I stay at her house about the same amount of the time. We get along great and there is a closeness there I can't describe. We connect and fit together, and the relationship is absolutely perfect except for the sex part. My question to you is simple. Is it possible for a girl, who has had a pretty wild previous sex life, to fall for and want to be with a guy who has trouble pleasing her in a sexual way? I worry that she secretly pines for her past boyfriends or that she may cheat on me because of these problems. I would dump her to avoid the embarrassment of that happening expect I really want to be with her and I love her so much. I hope this is enough information for you to formulate an opinion on the matter and thanks for your help.
Quick Draw
Dear Mr. Draw,
Sure it’s possible. A girl who hits the double digits before 21 isn’t all that unusual (although there is a WORLD of difference between 10 and 99), nor is it unusual for them to want to settle down with one big lug after she’s been to the buffet a few times.
BUT, sex is sex and the world revolves around it (more than MONEY) and if you don’t get cracking with the ooh laa laas, she WILL start sniffing around for someone who will. Love is hearts and flowers and commitments and poetry and all that gooey stuff but even that gets tiring if she’s reduced to raiding the fridge for a nice, plump cucumber in the wee hours.
Would’ja believe me when I say that your skills will improve with practice? Well they will.
And what about your fingers? Last time I checked, they don’t shoot white stuff and then wilt after a couple of minutes in there.
And for God’s sakes, any girl who says she hates being eaten out is lying. Use your other tools, use everything in the goddam house. Learn to use a pogo stick, lube it up nice, and get hopping on her if that’s what it takes. If you spend an hour getting her off, and then stick that shlong in for two humps and a dump, she won’t be doing much complaining.
And don’t be afraid of playing with everything BUT the bullseye. Girls are weird, they have all sorts of body parts that, when fondled, will turn them on. It’s all about anticipation with them. It’s all about getting them so hot that they’re about to explode. Take your time. What’s the rush?
This next one is about someone who can’t WAIT to hog tie that young missy!
And here’s one I’m sure a great MANY of you (except for Scherer, of course) can relate to:
Hyatte! Great column, as always. You said you needed some fresh questions, so here's sort of a second-hand issue of mine that I've been dodging for far too long...
Basically, I want to help out a good friend of mine... we'll call him "Doug." I've been friends with Doug for about a decade now. Doug and I met in a church youth group at the age of twelve, but we came from completely different types of households. I had the loving, supportive family; he lived with a bitter, single mother after his brother died and his father had bailed out.
Doug has always been rather down on himself. In addition to the basic lack of confidence (one of the worst cases I've ever seen, though I suspect he's overdramatized it a bit), he's always been overweight - quite a bit overweight, and I've witnessed it get worse during the years I've known him. He's occasionally expressed a desire to lose weight, and I've offered to help any way I can - but it usually ends there and he rarely, if ever, brings the subject up again.
Through all this, I've "been there" for him, always sticking around to offer my support. I rarely confront him on these issues; whenever we get together, I figure that for him it's an escape from the messed up home life he hates to deal with. We chill and it's all good. But lately, I've been thinking that I want to do more. I can sit there and smile and encourage him like I've been doing, we can get together now and then and temporarily take him away from it all, and he can go back home to the same rut he's been in his whole life. But as the years go by, I'm finding it more and more depressing to see the state he's in, and I figure it's about time I try and do something about it. Doug is twenty-two and still has no driver's license, no credit card, and is stuck living with a controlling, somewhat psychopathic mother. He does have a number of physical ailments, including a bum leg, but a lot of his problems are directly related to his obesity.
On one hand, I feel sorry for his situation. But on the other hand, I know that part of him is using the problems as an excuse to NOT change. He's extremely intelligent and could easily make a living on his own - in fact, he was on his way to becoming a CPA before he skipped out on college due to medical reasons. Again, I sense he's using circumstances as an excuse. And sure, his mother could stand to be more encouraging - but he has the ability to change his situation and deep down, I'm sure he knows it.
Now and then I've had to just yell at him and give him a figurative kick in the ass to get him to stop feeling sorry for himself - but that was a while ago, when self-confidence was the worst of his problems. Now I see an adult being held down, by his mother and by himself, wasting his life away. Recently, he said there was a possibility of his mother moving away, which would mean he would get his own place somewhere. I told him he should JUMP on that opportunity... obviously his mother isn't the true root of his problems, but getting her out of the picture sure couldn't hurt.
So basically, I'm looking to confront him on some of these issues and really help get him on his feet. I'd appreciate some tips from someone who's been going out of his way to help others. Bringing up his weight and hiegine (he SMELLS, and all these years I've never known what to say about it) will be awkward, but it needs to be done. Thanks once again for your consideration!
(please withhold the name this time)
Boy’s a coward, that’s his deal.
All that fat is a wall, his odor is a wall, it’s an extremely well-built wall designed to keep life and people away. The way he thinks: I’m fat and smelly, I have an excuse not to participate in the world. Why should he? His Dad bailed and his brother died, either way is just a form of rejection. So he eats and avoids soap (and probably wears nothing but sweatpants and shorts)… you can’t be rejected if you repulse people to begin with.
So he’s fat, and probably convinced that people are disgusted by him, which makes him depressed, which makes him eat more. It’s a vicious circle.
I bet his mom is over-protective too. She lost her husband AND her son, she’s probably overdoing it in order to make damn sure she won’t lose him. She can talk about moving away all she wants, she ain’t going anywhere without him, I guarantee it.
Now here’s the most frustrating part: If and when you confront him, yet again, not only will he NOT listen to you, but he’ll also get a thrill out of it. Because he WANTS you to feel sorry for him, it’s the only kind of emotion he thinks he can get out of people, pity.
My advice to you is to tell him exactly what I told you. Explain to him that he’s just feelinbg sorry for himself and you won’t play that game. Lay out what he’s doing to himself and, more importantly, why. Then start talking to your girlfriend, or girls you’re dating, over the phone in front of him. Clue him in on what he’s missing (discreetly, just talking to the girl in front of him is enough). Make him jealous and watch how he reacts.
By the way, that bum leg is because either his joints can’t take his obesity or all that fat is keeping the blood from getting to the lower part of his body. Plus he’s got a MAJOR problem with diabetes coming. You just don’t see fat people become senior citizens.
So you can tell him he’s going to die soon, I bet his response will be “Good.”
And so it goes…
BUT, PLUGS
Over at the 411 Black Zone is where you’ll find The Midnight News Book of the Two Week Club. After last column where most of the last third was lost in the submission, I decided that now was the time to expand the segment into a column of it’s very own. So I did.
And I’m kicking off the column with a special three part look at John Grisham. I’m going to try to explain what it is about him that people both love and hate. I’m also exploring his good books, his bad books, and his UGLY books… (and oh boy, when Grisham gets ugly, he gets UGLY). Last week was part one (featuring The Brethren) and I’ll have part two up in a day or two. No, really, I WILL… I have the excerpt all written.
What’s wrong with reading about books? Jesus Christ, your imagination is what separates you from Scott fucking Keith!
So I owed Widro a favor, and I was bored, and I felt like grabbing some power and abusing it with great pettiness, so I went ahead and talked Widro into making me a 411 Forum Administrator again. Basically, I run the place. Widro’s too damn busy to deal with stuff over there, so I volunteered to act as his… oh God… Sheriff.
Anyway… here’s the strange part: The forums ain’t too bad at all. We have areas for every taste you may have other than wrestling: Politics, Music, Entertainment, Comics, Videogames. We have a huge section dedicated to e-fed wrestling, and we even have a “Creative” forum where you can shove in all the stupid ass stuff that floats through your mind on any given day AND we have something called “A Dusty Finish” forum which is usually a free for all.
Another thing is THERE IS ACTUALLY SOME SMART TALK IN THERE! Oh, sure you’ll have to deal with people who have known each other for years chatting away in a strange language, but you won’t have to look very hard for some thoughtful threads. The forum has moderators, and I understand that SOME of them tend to get a bit abusive with their power (Ooooh, don’t you worry, I’ll be dealing with them… just as soon as they realize that the good ol’ days are long done)… but for the most part, so long as you don’t spam or deliberately flame someone, no one will bother you.
Due to my “Across the Boards” feature, I generally visit message boards once every couple of months, and I always come across three big reasons why they suck: 1: It’s the same 20 people saying the same 20 things, 2: Everyone acts like Dave Meltzer, and 3: The moderators/owners act like they’re doing you a favor by letting you post on their board. The 411 forums have more regulars than anyone else, NO ONE acts like Dave Meltzer, and we’re just happy to have you show up with something to say.
So, if you want a place to hang out from time to time and bullshit abut pretty much anything, the 411 forums are NOT a bad choice. You can even say I suck… I don’t give a shit. I’m even thinking of opening a thread devoted to flaming the shit out of me.
Sheriff… Sheriff Hyatte…. Jesus Christ… I used to be the Internet Bad Boy… the HOOLIGAN… the fuck happened?
Actually, I call myself Sheriff Buford T Cumstain… so at least there’s SOME perspective and self awareness in there.
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.
This week, we go a little OLD school, lay down some classic Nitro, and wrap up with one of Nash’s GREATEST speeches EVER! This one is a HOOT!
Look at Elizabeth she's going into Slick's pocket- Gorilla
She's going for his wallet- Jesse Ventura
SHE IS NOT!- Gorilla: Survivor Series ‘88
You Americans seem to have trouble with the Japanese don’t you. Your flag should have the bloody red cross on it. Its once again up to me to bring the TV belt back to WCW, I’m the only one keeping things together. Now Ultimate Dragon, why don’t you go ahead and put on your little pink mask and your little pink tights and I will hack you in bloody half, Sunshine- Lord Steven Regal on Nitro ‘97
You know Flair and Piper were out here talking about how they helped build this sport and paved the highway for the rest of us. Well you know what that road you paved is filled with pot holes cause you and the other old guys did was take all the money you could and left us nothing. A few years ago myself and Scott Hall were in WCW.
I was a little green but Scott Hall was ready to be a star. And what did WCW do after he proved himself for year? They cut his pay in half. So he and I went up to New York. And was it party all night, get up and party a little longer? No, we had to work really hard to dig this business out of the funk you guys left it in. So you drive your limos, me and my crew will cram five in a car and drive a rental. You ride first class, we'll fly coach. You drink champagne, we'll drink McForties while we pave the pot holes you guys left behind. You want respect, well where I come from the other side of Detroit you don’t get respect, you earn it and you're going to have to beat some respect out of me boys. There some young, hungry lions who want more than just a nibble on the carcass, we want it all. NWO For Life- Nash promo Nitro ‘97
THAT is why I love Nash! He pretty announced that the Clique SAVED wrestling!!
THEN he claimed that he and his boys are STILL riding 5 to a rental… because even millionaires like him have to save road money.
Nevermind that… SINCE WHEN DID NASH WORK THE WCW HOUSE SHOW CIRCUIT????
THEN he called himself a “Young Lion”… HE WAS 38 YEARS OLD AT THE TIME!!!!
I absolutely LOVE this guy… he has balls bigger than church bells.
I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY, AND YOUR LITTLE… LITTLE… LINE?
I’m still taking suggestions on these. More wrestling quotes at the moment, but whatever you feel like sending my way. Just do your best in making them word perfect.
Let’s change things around a bit and kick off with a couple of quotes from one of the best TV shows (thatneverdrewbigratingsyetlasted7years) of all time!
Does this sweater make me look fat?
No. The fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
I don't take orders. I do things my way.
No wonder you died.- Buffy The Vampire Slayer
I tell you what I’m going do. I’m gonna find you a white opponent.
White Heavyweight? That don’t exist. It’s like saying black unity- Great White Hype.
I could sue you for calling me that, Polly! A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'm a quack!- SOB
How can you be a nymphomaniac and never had sex?
I'm choosy- Amateur
If you can't get them to salute when they should salute and wear the clothes you tell them to wear, how are you going to get them to die for their country?- Patton
Goddamn! That's a big bitch- Beverly Hills Cop 2
The “Big Bitch” in question, of course, is former Mrs. Sly Stallone and former Mrs. Mark Gastineau Bridgette Nielson… how insulting… how very very insulting… very TRUE, of course, but insulting…
Whatever happened to that big bitch anyway?
Speaking of bitches… let’s take her ‘ome with the LONG AWAITED list to END ALL LISTS….
THE IWF 100: NEW YEAR’S EDITION!!
As opposed to the summer list last year, which you can review by scrolling to the bottom of this column, I actually put a little thought into this. Below are the 100 people (with most of them being real GIRLS!) I want to bang, in that order. You’ll recognize most of the names, and be shocked at the others. Just keep in mind that I am very horny, all the time, and I have great rage inside me. Okay? Good.
And just remember, any one of these girls can be replaced by any one of the billions of females on the planet who DIDN’T make it, probably because I haven’t laid eyes on them yet… or I just didn’t think of them.
And just for fun, I gave everyone a brief write-up… so you may understand my train of thought. Plus Flea hasn’t gotten around to explaining HIS list yet, so I beat him!
Anyway, enjoy!
1) Britney Spears: She was lower on the list, then she got married and did that interview for Blender magazine. The girl is inches… INCHES away from a meltdown, and we’ll get to watch it unfold!
2) Cassidey: Hottest, most natural porn chick there is… period. Seriously awesome
3) Trish Stratus: well, come on.
4) Mandy Moore: Girl’s getting hotter as she gets more and more affected. And her hairstyle drives me berserk.
5) Paris Hilton: Current slut-dujour, and I am nothing if not topical. Plus her body is SO bangable.
6) Eliza Dushku: was #1 last year, then Fox softened her up and made her nicer. No good, this bitch screams nasty. I want to do her in the ass with her head in a gas station toilet.
7) Yodeera: Monkey face Spanish chick in the building I watch over the weekend, emphasis on Monkey Face… still, her body is TEEEIGHT.
8) Little Kim: BOOYA slut
9) Hilary Duff: Wanna soil this pristine thing… dirty her up. She’ll fall apart like Britney in a few years.
10) Tammy Sytch: Would be WAY higher if not for the fact that even though she likes me, she still thinks I’m a major tool.
11) The Trish Imposter: She’s sometimes good enough to make me imagine I’m talking to the real thing.
12) Katie Holmes: getting a bit too skinny. And she’s engaged to Chris Klein… CHRIS KLEIN FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!
13) Chasey Lane: see above
14) Christina Aguilera: The black hair works. The fact that she sings like a frickin’ angel helps too.
15) Goldylocks: Best female talker in the business… and just enough on the slutty side.
16) Go Go: From “Kill Bill”. Hot, young, psychotic, Jap.
17) Raylene: When she wants to get nasty, she fucks like a rat.
18) Jessica Alba: I have a feeling she prefers the company of black men. Dirty, dirty girl.
19) Jennifer Love Hewitt: She’ll be getting naked on film before too much longer.
20) Pink: Was going to be my #1 until she showed up on Punk’d… she’s working the bull dyke haircut… no good.
21) Eve from “Angel”: Take a good look at that tight, toned little muffin body. Cute voice too.
22) Selma Blair: Girl did a movie where some black dude takes her from behind and makes her say: “Fuck me ni**er, hard”… plus she always has deep bags under her eyes… like she’s been up all night practicing the above line.
23) British chick from “The Practice” : Awesome British, husky voice.
24) Morgan Fairchild from “Flamingo Road” circa 1980ish): I was jacking to her before my body learned to squirt
25) Michelle Rodrigues: cuz if you don’t satisfy her (and I get the sense it’s one HELL of a challenge there) she’ll stab you in the eye.
26) Vanessa Marcil: She’s way hot, but will never go higher because she’s shacking with that fag Brian Austin Greene
27) Beyonce: Jay Z gets that… daayaaam
28) Michelle Branch: With a face like fine porcelain… delicate features that I’d LOVE to come across.
29) Sindee Coxx: Five years ago she looked like a Barbie Doll on crack. Now she just looks like she’s on crack, with a fat ass.
30) Lisa Boyle: B-movie starlet who quit the business quite a few years ago. Girl knew how to work it.
31) Naomi Watts: What I like about her is that she looks like she’s been around the block a few times.
32) Bijoux Phillips: This girl plays a ho in every movie she’s in. Watch “Bully”.
33) Nutbag who calls me every Friday: Nice enough girl. Will let me do anything I want to her… as many times as I want.
34) The Squirter Girl: Well COME ON
35) Angie Everheart: Getting old there, sweet pea… she won’t be on too many more of these.
36) Dawn Marie: The very definition of a “Butter Face”
37) Rebecca from New York: Picture J-Lo and Jessica Alba together and then make her twenty years old, that’s this indy wrestler
38) Vanessa Carlton: That song of hers makes the difference to me. Decent looking girl, but I love that song.
39) Rene Zellwigger: Lately she’s been giving a “Fuck me hard” pout in every picture she poses for.
40) Molly Holly: The best lips in pro wrestling. Thick, red, juicy.
41) Alyssa Milano: She’s fucking TOO many guys… the wall is coming… fast… she’s about to slam face first into it. Plus she rarely has a decent haircut.
42) My Boss’s daughter Stephanie (or is it Stacey?): Cute girl
43) Your Daughter: damn straight… right out of her momma’s womb, if possible.
44) Spanish chick on “NYPD Blue”: Like I care what her friggin’ name is
45) Jillian Barbari: classic MILF without the kid.
46) Jill Kelly: porn star. She’s made like 2’000 films in under 7 years, so you probably know what she looks like.
47) Girl I saw at Krispy Kreme the other day: The donuts weren’t the only thing kreming on that day… HO!!
48) Jenna Jameson: She’s got a huge tattoo on her neck that you can only see when she has her hair up. How hot is that?
49) Mom: d’uh
50) Shirley Hemphill: From “What’s Happenin’”. When she was alive, she could suck a mean crank, I’ll wager
51) Tracy Lords: Her voice is smoking… and you can take the girl out of the porn but…
52) Missy Hyatt: To satiate my inner-sleaze jones.
53) Milla Jovavich: small titties… and you can tell she’s completely taken with herself. But she’s LIMBER!!
54) Jennifer Connolly: Jenny’s getting old.
55) Sarah Blade: She has three years to perfect her oral skills.
56) Shayla LaVeux: Porn star. Looks hungry.
57) Cleopatra: Girl tore up empires just because of her snatch. What does that tell you?
58) Bitch on “Star Trek” who was supposed to be Cleopatra: Girl tore up Kirk’s heart just because of her “tears” (TV speak for “snatch”)
59) Tiffanie Thiessan: her first year on “90210” STILL is hotter than just about anything else on TV.
60) Eva Mendez: Hook nose, and that ass is looking to explode at any moment.
61) Jessica Simpson: The girl IS adorable.
62) Elizabeth Rohm: “Law & Order”. Great eyes, great hair, seems to be able to carry a conversation. I wonder if Jerry Orbach tapped that yet.
63) Marge Helgenburger: She’s in her 40’s… but she’s holding up well.
64) Maura Tierney: Nice, normal girl
65) Julia Roberts: Almost obligatory by now.
66) Kellis: Freaky deaky black chick screaming about milkshakes… for crying out loud!
67) Janna: She’s a wonder twin. And she was handed a killer bod.
68) The Space Monkey Gleek AND Janna in a three way: I wouldn’t touch the monkey, but I always wanted to watch a monkey rape a chick for some odd reason.
69) Zann: Why not? I’m in cartoon-land anyway. And his bod is pretty hot too!
70) Stacey Keibler: I still say Keibs ain’t much.
71) Drummer bitch from the White Stripes: Bet’cha she has the strongest grip in this bunch!
72) Alanis Morrisette: For some reason, I’ve been hearing “You Oughtta Know” a lot on the radio lately.
73) My Hand after I lie on it for a few minutes and render it numb. And I don’;t have to talk to it or “cuddle” it afterwards. Oh, I do it anyway, but only because I WANT to.
74) Flea’s Wife: Flea swears she’s incredible. I tend to believe him. She’s also rich AND powerful.
75) YOUR wife: Try to stop me! Bitch, you CAN’T!
76) That Girl You are in Love with but are too chickenshit to talk to: Loser… I’ll tape it and make you watch!!
77) The Nubian Princess I talk to on AIM from time to time: She’s be higher but she’s waaaay smarter than me.
78) Alyssan Hannigan: Quiet, reserved, low self-esteem… treat her right and she’ll be your slave.
79) Heather Graham: She’s losing her appeal.
80) Tina Fey: Her hair needs work, and then there’s that mysterious scar on her face… but she’s smart and cute.
81) Amanda from Florida: She’s either dead, pregnant, or decided her boyfriend is worthwhile. Funny part is, out of all these people she’s the one I’d choose to spend the rest of my life with. Go figure.
82) J-Lo: eh.
83) Emily Proctor: CSI Miami. Cool hair, sexy voice.
84) Whitney Houston: She’s rich, on something, and she likes bums who are happy not doing anything with their lives. Jesus H, God put her on this planet SPECIFICALLY for me.
85) Kobe Tai: Porn star. Squeezing that ass is like squeezing a rock.
86) Slutty, Chubby, Alcoholic chick in the apartment building I watch: Not a question of “if”, this really is a sure thing
87) Your son: yeah, I’ll take him too!
88) Peter North: Oh fuck it, live a little.
89) Brunette from the OC: Head seems a little large.
90) My Bird Jake: softest ass in this group.
91) Scott Keith: With a pool cue wrapped in rags and dipped in battery acid. For foreplay I plan on injecting him with Gonorrhea
92) Lita: I’m still not convinced she isn’t a man.
93) CRZ’s “wife: HIM, on the other hand, I am completely convinced she’s a man. Plus, I’m sure “she” needs a good bone, after all, she married this guy.
94) Jesus Christ: Praise Be.
95) A Cheese Grater: Because 80% of the time I hate myself
96) Your hand: Come on, dude! Hyatte deserves a reward for years of hard work.
97) Rose McGowan: Too chubby, face is too puffy, too damn white
98) Nicole Ritchie: Another chubby chick… but she scores points for responding to a boy’s heartfelt soliloquy to her loveliness with “You’re a hot bitch”
99) Stephanie McMahon: Awwm Steph ain’t THAT bad.
100) Grut’s Girlfriend there… not the girl, just all that excess skin and stretch marks she has from dropping 200 pounds… yeah, just that. Grut can have the rest:
Damn straight!
Now remember girls… if you didn’t make the cut it’s because you fucked up! There was something wrong with you. You were imperfect; you were faulty. You have no one to blame but yourself and that fat ass. It’s your fault. Daddy is very disappointed in you. Now go work on yourself and report back to me no later than July of this year, and if I see fit… I’ll clear some room for you. This means YOU, Angelina Jolie!
Yeah, meanwhile, in the span of the last 48 hours I’ve been called a “dork” by TWO ladies at TWO different times. Me… Chris Fucking Hyatte… called a DORK!! ME!!
Listen, you two love goats, Chris Hyatte is NOT a dork! Chris Hyatte is CHRIS FUCKING HYATTE!! And don’t you forget it!
Ever!!
Dork… Good Lord…. WELL, BY GOD IF I’M A DORK, THAN I’M THE COOLEST FRIGGIN DORK IN THE HISTORY OF DORKDOM!!!
Dork… you little…. DORKS DON’T HAVE THE SPOON TRICK!!! CHRIS FUCKING HYATTE HAS THE SPOON TRICK!!! THE SPOON TRICK!!!!
I need a hooker… gonna tie her up and SPANK her…
Hmm… suddenly I have a monster erection… whoa… WHOA…
