The Midnight News 01.26.04
Posted by Hyatte on 01.26.2004
The Rumble with Special Guest Recapper, Tammy's Back, Grut, Ripping and Poofing, and Farewell to Bob
Hey Hyatte, I wanted to thank you. I read the advice you gave to the guy who's friend is over weight. Everything you said was dead on and I should know cause I was that fat guy. I’m still fat but not as much as i was. Im trying to better myself but at times I slip up and wonder if Im just wasting my time. But your advice was the slap I needed. Also from awhile back when you told the guy who just hung out with grownups and didnt do a whole lot to grow the fuck up. I was like him too and that was also a slap I needed. Thanks man.
No name… he must have eaten it.
No problem… and thanks for the long list of cool quotes included in this letter.
H-8, I just got out for jail and thank God you actually posted a Monday news report this week! I'm going into the Rumble blind (actually GOING,Luxury Box, Bite Me You Smarks) except for your column. F*ck the readers who say you're washed up, never forget who the best writer is on 411. In fact, demand a raise from that cheap ass Widro. He wouldn't last 2 seconds in a prison shower.
- Izerman Uln'hyrr
There you go… I’m the best damn IWC guy in maximum security penitentiaries everywhere!! Don’t fuck with me, people, because I have a LIST of crazy motherfuckers who will rape your momma and make you watch on just a phonecall!
Good IWF list, apart from a couple of things - Pink at 20 and Heather Graham at 79?? Pink's got a face like a clumsy beekeeper and Tommy Lee's probably turned her pussy into a wizard's sleeve by now. Heather, on the other hand, is still fucking sexy. Ralph Fiennes banging her tits off in "Killing Me Softly" still holds up 2 years later... I've opened a few bottles of salty champagne to that film, let me tell you.
- Tom
“her pussy into a wizard’s sleeve…” HA!! Funny! Heather Graham has just about had it. She’s worn out.
Dear Hyatte, Tell your buddy with the 'time' problem to recite the alphabet backwards while he's having sex. It took me from a six-minute-man to a twenty minute-plus-man.
John
Twenty minute plus?? That’s IT?? Amateur.
HA HA HA! The Darkness is going to rule everyones arse and yours, and the best part is there is nothing that you can do about it!
LOL!
Mike
Well, I COULD NOT buy their CD. That’s something!
Hello Furflossers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News and by God do I have a lot of stuff to get to this week.
So, very quickly, Here is the Book of the Two Week Club column dealing with John Grisham’s “bad” books. I also explore what I think is the “Grisham Standard Formula” for writing a book and point out the three things he does that makes his books essentially unsatisfying. The selection this week is The Partner, in case you’re interested.
And a HUGE thanks to Kyle McCarty for sending me a CD of a Walt Bukowski poetry reading. Although I enjoyed it quite a bit, it reminded me of the days when I use to hit the occasional poetry reading and then trash the poets whilst gulping whiskey. Ahhhh good times.
You want YOUR name up here? Send me something, for chrissakes.
Okay, as previously stated, it’s a jam packed column this week… so off we go:
THERE’S A RUMBLE (AND BOY, IS IT ROYAL) IN MY PANTS AND YOU’RE INVITED
OOOh, this is great!! I managed to secure, for this recap ONLY, the oh so INSIDE, oh so I KNOW MORE ABOUT WRESTLING THAN YOU, the skills of none other than the Torch’s BRUCE MITCHELL!! Dear God, Keller must be losing subscribers by the assload! TAKE IT AWAY, MOJO!!!
MOJO MITCHELL’S ROYAL RUMBLE CAREFULLY CONSTRUCTED/FREE ASSOCIATING, EVERY WORD AGONIZED OVER/OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, WHO KNOWS WHAT I’LL SAY/HEAVILY EDITED AND RE-EDITED, UNBRIDLED HILARITY/I HAVEN’T BEEN FUNNY SINCE MADDEN STOPPED PUNCHING UP MY NEWSLETTER COLUMNS STREAM OF SMACKDOWN IS RAW’S BITCH, BENOIT, ONLY EGOS ARE LEFT STANDING, AND IT’S HUNTER’S WORLD AND WE’RE ALLOWED TO LIVE IN IT
We start with Suit Guy (for you small time non-Torch reading marks, Suit Guy is what I call Ric Flair because… actually, I don’t know, it has something to do with HHH and I personally think it’s a laugh riot) and the Sid version of Evolution defending their tag belts against the Dudleys. Coach is working with King and JR because a high profile PPV is just too tempting for Vince to not use to make fun of JR all night. Pseudo Sid says that the Dudleys were bigger losers than the Eagles. Then Batista whipped out his cell phone and told his maid to pick up 3 grams of heroine. After a few uninspired minutes, of which the only memorable site was Suit Guy’s hair standing out as if he just stuck his finger in an electric socket, both Coach and Buh Buh Ray went through a table. 12 years ago, Suit Guy used this event to make his mark in the biggest company in the world, now he’s jerking the curtain and phoning it in. Sort of like me with Wade’s sheet.
John Cena tried to hip hop all over white America’s frightened parents until Rob Van Dam jumped in and cut him off. RVD tried to joke it off but Pretty Fly for a White Guy sneered. The girls in the class I teach are split between who’s ass is hotter. I plan on making them stay after school this week and have a similar contest with their virginal buns.
Rey Mysterio defeated Jamie Noble after a blind Nidia tripped the wrong guy by accident. It is NO accident that she specifically TRIPPED up this shortened, nothing was progressed Cruiserweight contest. Just Hunter’s way of saying hello to the conspiracists out there. Hi right back at’cha, Trips!
Eddie defeated his Nephew in a pure wrestling match, then pounded him AND his brother Chavo out of their zapatos afterwards. Chavo can’t be blamed for getting destroyed, he was busy looking over his shoulder and wondering if and when the Fabulous Ones would come looking for revenge! (if you don’t get the reference, then you’re too stupid for me to talk to. I am a historian of the highest order and can only associate with others of my ilk. Guys like me and Meltzer laugh at you poor, insipid, children.) This was another lightening quick match that only strengthened the theory that Triple H hates all things Mexican.
Benoit was about to put the entire audience to sleep with a promo before Hunter smartened up and sent Suit Guy and the rest of Evolution out there to save the segment. Suit Guy gave Benoit a preview of the kind of heat stealing shenanigans he can expect once he moves to Hunterland.
It took Brock six minutes to put away Hardcore Holly clean in a match that was almost as brutal as myself, and Meltzer, and Madden, and Wade expected. It had to be clean because Brock’s due to put away Goldberg clean at XX and Hunter hasn’t put Goldberg away clean so there is no way Hardcore walks with a controversial loss. In his convoluted mind, Hunter thinks this would make Hardcore stronger than him, and that ain’t happening. I like to go to the girl’s locker room while they are playing Lacrosse and sniff their panties!
With all of the Smackdown BS matches out of the way with ease and disregard, it’s time for HUNTER to take his best possible opponent and steal the show! Since the Rock is still out in Hollywood trying to forget this wrestling business until he absolutely needs to return, he’ll settle for his best friend and the guy Vince adores almost as much as him.
Hunter lets HBK lock on the figure four. Both men share a laugh as they steal another chunk of Suit Guy’s legacy out from under his bulbous nose. Hunter pulls apart the Spanish Announce Table and then the Smackdown announce table just to remind Cole and Tazz who REALLY runs this show. HBK bounced off the top rope and lands hard on the Spanish table and starts to juice heavy (“juice” is insider lingo for bleeding, for you imbeciles who don’t know no better. That’s why I’m lowering myself to this bush league column. I’m used to writing on the same site as creative geniuses like Pat McNeil and James Guttman, who do 90% of the freelance work while I send Wade a lame feature length column that has nothing of substance to say once every 6 months or so, and I get paid for it!).
In a classic Rocky Balboa moment a bloody HBK defies all expectations and keeps getting up after Hunter pounds him down, (we interrupt Mojo Mitchell for a Hyatte editorial: Are you ready to admit that SOMEONE in the WWE has read The Taking of Triple H yet? Especially the part where Vince thinks about how he always wanted to do a WWF-ish riff on the classic fight in the first Rocky? JESUS FUDGE, PEOPLE!!!! IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE!!! APPARENTLY, I’M BOOKING THIS COMPANY AT LEAST UNTIL THE KING OF THE RING!!! and now back to Mojo Mitchell, still in progress) ding tall while HBK is struggling! With lots of time left in the match, we are told who is the REAL Last Man Standing!
A one second Superkick takes both men out of the match for the ten count. Earl Hebner, acting like he’s negotiating a delicate peace between Israel and Pakistan (and really, he sort of is) decides to call this a draw. Both egos are left standing TALL and neither man is looking stronger than the other. Except, of course, for Hunter, but did it subliminally so neither the fans or Shawn would see. You people better thank God for Inside smarts like me who point this out!
Jim Ross and Tazz combine forces to finish out the evening. Ross sounds annoyed with this new guy and Tazz sounds like he’s trying too hard trying to prove himself to Vince’s fifth main guy (Behind Hunter and Steph and HBK, and us Dirt Sheet people of course)
Austin justifies his PPV payoff by showing up for two minutes and giving Bischoff and Heyman the Stunner. The fact that Heyman is in the middle of Philly and isn’t even allowed to speak while the man who ALMOST put him out of business gets to rant away while the wrestler who almost single handedly helped put both men out of business is left standing tall must have made Tod Gordon and 1Joey Styles.com crack up in hysterics! (If you don’t know who Tod Gordon is, buy the Torch, get into the VIP archives, and learn, learn LEARN!! Because I’m too important a dirt sheet writer to explain all this to you.)
The Raw smackdown of Smackdown continues as Goldberg makes a fool out of Lesnar. How long before Hunter convinces Vince to change Smackdown to Raw Jr. and eliminate all pretense? Why, just the other day me and Brian Alverez and Dave Meltzer were discussing this very notion and Meltzer pointed out that… oh well, it would go over all your heads anyway, so let’s move on)
JR admits that Foley is a coward, then brushes off Tazz’s “Key’s to Victory” gimmick. You could almost hear Hunter telling Ross to no-sell it over his earpiece.
Perma-job Benoit starts off against Hunter’s boy Randy Orton, because is the Crippler is going the distance, a Hunter rep will stick with him for much of the way just as a reminder to fans in the know everywhere! (this means VIP readers and Observer subscribers… the other million of you readers shall remain clueless. Trust me, Wade, Meltz, and I LAUGH at who you have as YOUR version of an insider. This Hyatte feller and… what’s his name… Keith Scott?)
Here’s an Inside tip on how to watch wrestling with a trained eye, like me and Meltz: When a worker charges into the ring and hits everyone with his signature move early and often, it means he’s out very early. This was proven by guys like Bradshaw, Rhyno, Rikishi, and Kane (who was taken out after Spike teased him with the undertaker’s bells, which also set the seeds for the Dead Man’s return, which was Hunter’s way of taking just a little of the spotlight off Benoit)
We came to the obligatory half-way mark where the wrestlers who were there only to fill up the card were eliminated so the important players could start coming in. Orton has so far eliminated more people than Benoit, who didn’t get the camera put on him once yet (if Hunter was around in ’93, we wouldn’t had even KNOWN Bob Backlund was in the match, must less lasting almost until the very end)
For no reason at all, Test was rendered unconscious and unable to enter the match. So Austin ordered the guy who hit him to take his place.
Mick Foley ran out and took out Orton and himself in the process. Mick is fat, no, Mick is really fat. Fat Fat fat, he’s a porker. Did I mention that Mick is fat? Well he is fat. He’s on the cover of Time with the headline, “Yup, I’m fat.” Here’s a Meltzer-level inside scoop: Foley is fat. Foley is so fat if he was a girl in my class, I wouldn’t try to molest him/her in Art Class. Now that’s fat. (This stuff is hilarity X 7. Wade pees himself when I get like this! Order the Torch newsletter and you’ll get this sort of comedy every single week, except for those dozens of weeks a year when I don’t bother to show up)
Foley took out Orton so no one else who Hunter feels is unworthy (ie: anyone remotely associated with Smackdown, and 90% of Raw) would have to. They brawl back and forth for a bit, stealing the spotlight from the Smackdown-talent heavy Rumble (Guess who orchestrated this? Go ahead, look into your crystal Observer if you have to!)
Foley jammed the socko down Nunzio’s throat because Nunzio is Smackdown and if Orton ate it, he wouldn’t look credible when it comes time for him to fight a BabyFace Hunter (Wade and Meltz say around Summerslam. Scherer says King of the Ring, but Scherer is a joke, and a creep too. And NOT an insider! I know who Willie the Worker was and you’d laugh if I told you, which I won’t because you wouldn’t understand… way too inside for you morons)
Goldberg lasted about half as long as a typical Goldberg match, and still got paid more than any non-HHH worker that night. I’m sure HHH is to blame for this travesty but I can’t be bothered to figure out how. Maybe I’ll have Guttman explain it on his audioline… better yet, I’ll have McNeil work it into one of his BRILLIANT song parodies that true wrestling smarts cannot get enough of, and are the second funniest thing going at the Torch (with me being the all-time funniest, of course. The other week, I handed in a “Mitchell’s Take” which was me reading off a menu from my local Chinese restaurant. Over 20 people e-mailed me saying it was the funniest thing they’ve ever read. Mark Madden wrote to me asking for directions to the place, and if they had a buffet)
The highlight of the evening was when 6 wrestlers all took turns trying to eliminate the Big Show, who was used better tonight than in the last 5 years. I’m sure HHH had nothing to do with this booking but will convince Vince he had this planned from the start, then he’ll convince Vince that The Big Show s getting cocky again and get him nice and buried. Welcome to the business!
Angle is eliminated after he only eliminated Goldberg and someone else, (I think, I’m too half-assed to bother recalling). This was after he promised the soldiers in Iraq not only victory, but the elimination of all 29 guys. He failed miserably on both ends. This means that not only has HHH won ANOTHER political contest, but Usama wins TOO! (wow, that joke would have been too RACY for Wade… I sort of like this gig!)
Eventually, with a ring full of Smackdown wrestlers, Benoit took out the Big Show and won the whole thing.
Let me explain this one last thing, Benoit, who is heading to RAW, is the last man in a match that ended with nothing but Smackdown wrestlers! Which is Hunter’s way of having Benoit ASCEND from the bush leagues and enter the Monday night majors… where he will, of course, do his part in cementing HHH as the greatest of all time by laying down nice and clean!
So you little no nothing marks go ahead and cheer for your hero, your poster boy! Just know that while you’re cheering, brilliant minds like me and Meltzer, and Keller, and Powell, and Alvarez, and Madden, and Derek Burgan are working tirelessly to find a way to one day get everyone off these newz sites and get everyone on the dirt sheet express!! Then I can make some SERIOUS money!
Now excuse me, I have to get to sleep. I have school tomorrow… young minds to shape, and young, firm tits to feel up!
This is NOT a Mop-Up rip-off. No it is not. I never even heard of Scoops before!
And if Tammy could e-mail me, I’d like an explanation as to why she’s lowering herself by doing a column with this non-insider who makes cruel jokes about Pat McNeil’s dead mother and not writing for the Torch Lounge? It makes no sense to me.
*****
Well….uhh… thanks to Mojo!
Maybe Tammy doesn’t FEEL like wasting time on a site filled with watered down- sanitized Hyatte wannabes and extra-safe comedy bits? Or maybe she thinks we’re ALL losers but I’m just the lesser loser of the bunch? Who knows?
Speaking of which…
A BYTCH FROM THE SYTCH
It’s been two weeks since her last column, so obviously Tammy has a LOT to say:
The Week That Was…
So within the past few weeks I've been off because of Hyatte missing a week, me missing a week. It’s been pretty crappy honestly as I like to comment on here as much as possible. However, I had planned on writing last week, but never got around in time to send it in. That means this week I'm going to talk about a few weeks worth of jazz as well as make this a long feedback column as I have several letters that I've been wanting to print for some time now. Also beware as I'll shill NWA-TNA pretty hard this week, and give some opinions about the Royal Rumble, even though... by the time this is posted the Rumble will be over.
First on the WWE front, the Royal Rumble is here. This is the first Rumble in the past 6-7 years that no one really knows who is going to win. Last year we knew Lesnar was going to win, the Year before we knew HHH was going to win, etc, this year we really don't know who is going to win, and for the first time in a very very LONG time, a bunch of people could win. I'll list some likely winners, and why they should win:
Kane: Odd choice, but always does well in Rumbles and is receiving his biggest push ever. Perhaps Kane/Taker at Mania could be for a belt? It could happen. Chances of Kane winning are slim, but he still could do it.
Jericho: Not likely, but you never know. They pushed his desire to headline Mania again pretty hard last Raw. His chances are slimmer than Kane's though and not likely.
Booker T: Also got his chances pushed at Raw, but I doubt he'll win. Of course never know, sometime they gotta pull the trigger and give Booker a main event push, right? Rumble could do that.
Goldberg: My personal favorite to win, but at #30 he has less chance then if he was #1. Which means, maybe he won't, maybe he will. No one has ever won at #30, maybe Bill can stop that curse. Or perhaps, Ted DiBiase will buy his spot, and that would rule.
John Cena: The people's champ, lots of folks are pulling for Cena. I don't see it happening, but if they are gonna put him over like Austin as a badass goodguy, the win at Rumble is a must.
Chris Benoit: Its possible, but at #1 that not only means they'll be giving him a strong push for a World Title match at Mania, they'll be giving him the strongest Rumble push EVER, as no one has ever won at #1.....When they were doing 2 minute intervals. Shawn won, but they were doing like 10 second intervals when HBK walked away with a #1 spot win.
Big Show: Seems very odd for his chances to win, but he's always the hardest to eliminate, and has done more this past year then ANY other year in the E. Its unlikely, but Show might get it, ya never know.
Kurt Angle: Don't know what he'd gain here, but he's probably the biggest name in the Rumble this year aside from Goldberg, which makes him a heavy favorite. He also isn't bogged down by being #30, or #1. No curses on Angle, plus he's never won one. With his career always seeming to near a end, WWE might give him the nod here.
So here is my own personal ending. I read the other day someone saying something very similar to this, so here is my take. Goldberg, Show, Benoit and Angle are all left. Benoit is wore out, Show is dominating and Angle and Goldberg are even. Goldberg snaps, Jackhammers Show and the ring breaks. Goldberg and Show are out. Angle and Benoit eliminate Show, then start fighting each other. Angle gets tossed and as he does, Goldberg is up and Spear's Benoit, and they both fall out same time. Splitting the title shots. I like the ring collapse spot, even if its been overused in the past few months.
This will likely not happen of course.
I like the drama WWE has created this year with the Rumble, as anyone could win and the most likely candidates, Benoit, Goldberg, have been given such numbers that it seems they have little to no chance. Should prove to be fun, as the Rumble is always entertaining and a great ride.
NOW, onto NWA-TNA. As they have been doing all kinds of good stuff.
First FUCK Johnny Fairplay and all the internet geeks talking about it. Yea, TNA hyped it. So what? I don't care for him, and he didn't take up more then 5 minutes of the entire show last week, so who cares if TNA hired him, stop bitching about it. He might work into something cool, he might not, but don't bury it before he's even started. Jeesh.
I find it of interest that 5 of the top 10 matches in ranked here on 411 best matches of 2003 were from NWA-TNA, especially considering only a handful of the TNA's shows were reviewed on this site. If they had seen all of the year of TNA, no doubt 9 out of the 10 would have been TNA matches, with AJ/Abyss coming in at about #2. Maybe I know what I'm talking about?
As for those who think TNA is the Jeff Jarrett show, you might take time to realize, that Raven gets more TV time then anyone else in TNA, only seconded by Jarrett with Styles closely behind him. So labeling it as the Double J show, only shows that most people who say that, clearly aren't watching.
TNA continues to put on great shows, but the ICP crap has got to go. These guys are fans of wrestling, unfortunately their fans AREN'T fans of wrestling. I know it wasn't TNA's idea to bring ICP there, because what happened is more and more ICP fans started coming to TNA shows, and thus ICP felt it'd be good publicity for them to throw a before-show bash. NWA-TNA trying to appease the fans, let ICP in, and let them have their pre-show bash. The problem is, ICP's fans are a bunch of ignorant, redneck, fat, pathetic white kids who want to be cool. They aren't cool, and they aren't smart. ICP sucks, and their fans suck. Its hard to appreciate their being fans, if the freaking guys chant ICP and Juggalo all through the show instead of reacting, oh I dunno...to the wrestling. TNA made the Heel Section break up and stop their chants, TNA had best do something similiar to the ICP Fag section before it gets out of hand.
Speaking of fags, I read some guy on this website talking about how he watched the OC instead of NWA-TNA. Now if you don't like TNA, that’s fine, but really do we need to hear about how you watch Fox-WB-ripoff drama teen soap operas instead of wrestling? No. If your comparing TNA and The OC, TNA wins every week. No offense calling you a fag, as I'm sure your not, but you may want to boost your testosterone level a bit. I don't care if you don't devote a section to TNA news, that’s fine. But don't have a section about TNA news then talk about the OC, and say TNA did a average show. YOU DIDN'T WATCH TNA, you were watching the OC, so maybe they didn't have a average show? Watch before you critique.
In other TNA news, I've been getting a lot of emails about how Hulk Hogan won't be working with the promotion anymore and how he used TNA. I've also heard how TNA was going to lose out with Hogan, and all they naysayers are now talking about how much TNA lost with the Hogan deal. But really....WHAT DID THEY LOSE? Let’s go over the facts:
Hulk Hogan never appeared live on a TNA show. Hulk Hogan got beat up by Jeff Jarrett and the footage aired on a TNA show. Jimmy Hart come out and admitted that Jeff Jarrett busted Hogan's knee up on a TNA show. Hulk Hogan cut a promo to be shown on a TNA show, that showed Hogan talking up TNA. Jeff Jarrett called Hogan out for weeks, and beat up Jimmy Hart embarrassing Hogan and labeling him as a coward. Jarrett said Hogan was afraid of him, and he wouldn't be in TNA.
Now if you ask me, Hogan did TNA a great favor. He put the promotion over, put Jarrett over as not only a threat to Hogan, but put him over a great champion. He got to punk Hogan out on national TV and across the World. So did TNA lose ANYTHING by Hogan getting beat up on their show by one of their stars? I think not.
Lastly on the NWA-TNA front, they have a big TNA versus AAA match coming up soon. Fans of Lucha Libre and Cruiserweight action should check this out. Remember WCW's "When Worlds Collide"? Well this will be similar. Its things like this that make TNA the most entertaining wrestling promotion in all of North America.
NOW, a exclusive. Well, really this is just a small rant I had from last week that didn't get posted, so here is my thoughts on last week's NWA-TNA, last weeks Raw & Smackdown.....and my thoughts on last week’s...OVW? Yes indeed.
First and foremost, Raw was way less then stellar this week. So blah to Raw. As for Smackdown, which I caught this week for the first time in a long time, I must say I enjoyed Smackdown, even the Big Show/Holly match. Why? Well it was a typical little brawling match, but it evened the playing field between Holly and Big Show, and Hardcore Holly did a cool little finish with the steel chair choke out to Show. Not a lot of people seemed to like the match, but for two guys that don't "click" it was a decent affair.
I don't get the Holly/Brock feud either, but they are making Hardcore out to be a badass, and you really can't knock them for that. Its probably too little too late for the "Big Shot" but at least its someone new in the title scene, even if only for a transition feud. His win over Big Show was convincing enough for me to be mildly interested in what happens in their match. Everyone is knocking the Hardcore Holly/Brock Lesnar feud, yet it is someone NEW to the title scene, so lighten up a bit and give it a chance.
On the flip side, NWA-TNA was amazing this week as usual. While the show wasn't as good as past weeks, it was a great show capped off with a insane Ultimate X match. This match was worth the $10 alone. TNA continues to be the strongest show week in and week out, end of story.
I also caught a really great match this week, that very few of you probably saw. It was a OVW match between Johnny Jetter and "Mr. Wrestling" Nick Dinsmore. If you didn't know, Dinsmore is the longtime partner/rival of Rob Conway. He's every bit as good as Conway but actually more technically sound. Needless to say these two had a epic, and I do mean epic matchup for the Ohio Valley Heavyweight title. If you ever get a chance to see some OVW you should. I'm sure you all know OVW is the training camp/playground for WWE guys getting hired and trained, but its also a great little wrestling federation in the tradion of SMW & USWA. They week in and week out, put on better wrestling and a better overall product then the WWE.
YES...One more section before my tons of viewer mail. Well, I want to make a small little rambling here abut Kayfabe and its impact on wrestling: Most people think that its gone, yet we are all interested in how WWE is going to write Kane's new story, or how TNA might make something out of the Jarrett/Hogan controversy. Yet, I find myself always wanting things to go back to the glory days when wrestling was "real" and the dirt sheets didn't ruin it all. Well a couple of weeks back, NWA-TNA teased a split between Goldylocks and Erik Watts. It seemed to be the typical wrestling split deal, but, TNA went out of their way to make this seemingly small angle filled with kayfabe. In their pre-show email that they send out to all their fans, they included this little tidbit. They often include things about upcoming angles sometimes they have exclusive interviews or something like that. Yet this week they had something even better. They claimed that a ring crew worker found a piece of crumpled up paper backstage, and the guy almost threw it away, but before he did...He opened it. Inside he found that it was a piece of Goldylocks diary, that she either decided against entering or that she was trying to hide. So of course they posted it. We all KNOW that this isn't real, but the excerpt is a great piece of kayfabe and a fun little thing that shows you how much TNA is ahead of WWE in terms of storyline writing.
BTW, this was never on their website or mentioned on TV, it was only if you were in their email group. Check out the diary excerpt here.
Finally, lets get to some VIEWER MAIL!
Bill Arndt writes:
Q: I disagree with what you said about Austin and Foley- that they really shouldn't be in the positions they're in. Remember when Benoit etc. came from WCW to the WWF- he played a kind of 'wrestling dad' figure? I think he could really do a GREAT job doing that. Someone to hang around the back, give a lot of comic relief and also be a father figure. That way we would still get some of his humor (which the WWE sorely needs- there's nobody who can fill his shoes in that dept that I know of) and still have him put new talent over, both heals and faces. Austin, on the other hand, always based his personality on being a bad-ass, and I think that he's done.The guy can't even walk well anymore, or take any kind of punishment at all. I agree about the new 'sheriff' job- it sucks. One scenerio I thought of- wouldn't be funny if they turn Austin into some kind of clergy guy? No alcohol or violence, just passiveness and water. Bit of a stretch, but it might be funny.
Another thing- Jericho. I've personally never liked the guy. He was always too... polished. Kind of like the musician that plays something that's technically hard, but he does it so much he can do it with his eyes closed and make it looks easy- Jericho does that. I think if he gets away from all the flashy clothes and stuff, and actually shows he is a person, I might think of him more as a wrestler then a prop. Maybe the new storyline with Trish Stratus will do that, don't know.
One final thing- I haven't read anything you've said about Evolution getting a female manager until today's column (I must have missed when you talked about it the first time) but I LOVE that idea. I think one kind of like Stacy Keebler (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) at the beginning would be perfect- one where she's kind of like a secretary. One that doesn't wrestle, but has no problem smashing a box or board or something over somebody's head if they piss her off. One totally devoted to Evolution. It would be nice to actually have a team stay together for a while, including the manager.
A: First off Bill, you can't say that you think Austin and Foley deserve their roles on Raw, and then say they should have new roles. That, AHEM, makes no sense. Obviously they need new roles on Raw, which is my complaint. As for your suggestions for roles, I don't think Father Foley and Clergy Austin will cut it, but then again Sheriff Austin is a bit hard to swallow too.
You obviously don't get Jericho's gimmick. And lastly, Stacy wouldn't be a good choice for Evolution, because she has yet to display ANY personality towards being a dastardly bitch. Which is what Evolution needs… NOT eye candy.
Bad Boy asks:
Q: I am one of those people who miss ECW, can you tell what the morale was backstage compared to WWF and WCW.
A: I could but ECW has been shut down for 4 years, WCW close to that, and there is really no need to go into what the atmosphere was like because in the end, your talking about something irrelevant. Go order NWA-TNA and stop feeling sorry for yourself that ECW is gone.
Randee writes:
Q: Greetings and Salutations....I enjoy your columns, the RVD-Luger comparison....once I gave it a whole 7 seconds of thought, was dead on. My question for you is this.... what
do you think can be done to improve, or actually SAVE the WWE cruiserweight title? Having Rey win the belt is the least surprising thing in the world, neither him or Tajiri look as good as they did in ECW, and all the other cruisers seem stuck in Velocity Limbo.
A: Thanks, a lot of people thought I was crazy for comparing RVD to Luger, but they are almost identical. Hopefully something will change in RVD's career soon that will give him the drive to want more then just a payday, and work to get past the oppression holding him down. If not, he'll be even more like Lex ended up. As for "Saving" the cruiserweight title in WWE....there is no way, to be brutally honest. Remember the Light Heavyweight Title? WWE had this belt for several years and NEVER once figured out how to use it. Even though they have more cruisers on their roster....they STILL won't use them right. My only legit suggestion is to give Raw the cruisers, and let Bischoff book them. He was on the right track in the last days of WCW with the Cruiser tag belts, and making Shane Helms one of WCW's top stars of the last days. However, that will never happen, and the WWE will never let the cruisers do their stuff because it will take attention off Austin, Triple H and Taker. Plus the cruisers do high-risk moves that WWE won't allow.
Early Time takes me to task on the RVD/Luger comparison:
Q: "I mean look, I'm the one who stood up and said RVD has the workrate of LEX LUGER. Something few people would say, but I then backed it up with facts, that Luger used 5 setup moves and the Rack, and RVD does 5 moves and Frogsplash." and bret hart used 5 moves to set up the sharp shooter what's your point? I'm not big on work rate, shit I'm a fan of guys like Hogan and Rock, but to say they're the same because they use five moves to set up the finish...EVERYONE DOES THAT Flair used the same shit to set up the figure 4, hogan did the 3 punches and big boot, I was gonna use benoit here, but something that's always bothered me, and I'd like your opinion on this, I don't ever recall him setting up the crossface. I mean it is supposed to hurt your arm yes? What does he do to weaken the arm before applying it? A bunch of punches and a few suplexes? Wait how'd I get to benoit here? Bah.
A: First, The crossface is supposed to be such a deadly hold it needs no setting up. As for the RVD/Luger comparison, I wasn't just meaning that they both have 5 major moves. My point was, Luger always just went through the motions, Atomic drop, inverted atomic drop, suplex, powerslam, Rack. Win match, leave match. Once he lost his DESIRE, he never pulled anything else out. Bret, Sting, Hogan and even Rock will get into certain matches, and pull out different moves, play up to the crowd more, etc....RVD much like Luger, wrestles every match now just the same as his last. Once in a blue moon, RVD will pull out a few new tricks, but watch a match from RVD's first few months in WWE and watch one now, he's lost his desire, from being screwed over, and over, much like Lex, and the result is his always formulaic 5 moves then the big finish, just like the total package. Trust me on this.
Next question is from a guy named Mr.Picklebum and that’s just funny:
Q: What happened to your stay in WCW?
A: Accused of things that other wrestlers were doing, namely a drug. I was tested negative for any drugs, but you know, I was getting over and WCW was ran by guys who protected each other's backs, so I sat at home and got paid and once Chris was injured we were both out the door. Despite it being WCW's fault he got injured, and it being someone else’s stash that was found. I could tell ya whose it was, and why it was, but this crap was all over the net years ago, so do some searching and fill in the blanks yourself.
Christopher Hank Bohannon wrote me a giant email, and I'll just put up a few excerpts from it, to shut him down quickly and promptly:
Q # 1: First of all, just because someone is new does not constitute a push. Let us consider Orton. Despite the fact that the WWE has constantly shoved the guy down our throats, I still cannot dredge up even the slightest amount of interest in the guy. See, he’s NEW, but also, as far as I am concerned, the guy is incredibly bland, thus I cannot justify a push for this guy.
Take the above few sentences, and whenever you see ORTON, replace it with BATISTA, GOWAN, LA RESISTANCE, and the BASHAMS, and I hope that I have a point. Granted, give the new guys a chance, but do not cram the guy down our throats–that tends to give birth to apathy.
A # 1: I've never said that being "NEW" constitutes a push. Orton is a work in progress, but if you can't see the charisma oozing out of Randy, then perhaps you should check your prescription. Guys like Batista, Bashams etc, were brought in VERY bland, but the lot of them are very, very talented. Take a look at Batista in OVW, as well as the Bashams, and you'll see why these guys do deserve a push, albeit a not so bland one.
Q # 2: On to another point: Austin. The reason why Austin is still around, and the reason why he receives so much TV time is because the guy still is a hot commodity. I will be the first to admit that anything to do with some sort of “Commissioner” role is of the poorest quality and is dreadful that a gaggle of adults ever considered the idea seriously. The only time that role ever made any sense was when Regal did it–and to this day, I do
not know why it worked so well. Maybe it was because of Tajiri. I loved it when SCSA was a heel–the whole hugging routine was great, as was the Two Man Power Trip.
Certainly SCSA’s character has waned, but the fans still want to see the guy, and I can only assume with some degree of conclusiveness that he still sells merchandise. Certainly his personal life is a wreck, but from all the shoots I have read, it seems that most wrestlers tend to be fucked up. With all the love that I have for you, I must still
respectfully–and regretably–point out that you too have demons in your past, and I think it would be unethical to banish you solely for those reasons. Thus, let us not crucify SCSA for his personal life. Let the courts take care of that issue.
A #2: I never said Austin's personal life was a reason to keep him off TV. Frankly if he runs around and kills people in the outside world, that’s his business - so long as he shows up to the WWE and contributes good entertainment, I'm fine with that. The problem is, he isn't a hot commodity anymore, nor is a he a team player anymore. He SHOULD have a role on Raw, but it shouldn't be burying everyone else. When Sgt. Slaughter became commissioner, he didn't go around whipping half the roster to keep himself on top. Austin does. End of story.
Here he goes on a tirade about how Hulk Hogan can't wrestle and ruined wrestling, etc. He says NWA was greatest thing ever, and Hogan ruined all that. To that I can only say WWE ruined all that, not Hogan, as Hogan can, and has had many great matches. He never had the Ric Flair greatness that NWA had, but Hogan was in many ways held down in WWF as they had a certain "style" they liked, and it was cartoon wrestling, Vince invented that, not Hogan.
Q #3 : I was horrified when you made the comment that Y2J was the worst WWF chanp ever. First of all, if the guy was so weak, and HHH beat him, doesn’t that make HHH weak, and doesn’t it make HHH a weaker champ? Also, consider the fact that when they turned Nash face back in the mid 90s, that nearly bankrupted the company. No one wanted to see Nash as a good guy–they wanted the ass kicking heel. That is why I always believe Nash to be the worst WWE champ of all time.
A #3 : Nash didn't almost bankrupt the company, it was the company’s inner workings that hurt them during that era, not Nash's lackluster reign as champ. HHH was weak when he beat Y2J for the belt. As was Lesnar when he won the Unified title. That belt never meant anything to anyone, because Y2J's terrible reign destroyed any legacy it was to have. At least all the first champions of any other belt were tough; Jericho was the first Unified champ and made to look like a fool.
Q # 4 and final question from this nitwit: Also, regarding TNA–I live in middle TN, and I have all my life. I am familiar with Nashville wrestling, Memphis wrestling, the Jarretts and Lawler. Even so, I have never been that big of a fan of Nashville wrestling and NWA TNA. Even though I have never watched one of their PPVs, but I find it difficult to overcome the stigma. Then, throw in Bert Prentice to even make Nashville Wrestling even worse, it is a prescription for vomitting.
A # 4: If you miss NWA-TNA, your missing a great product, way above the bar
that WWE has set. Its also kinda hard for you to say you don't like them, if you've never seen them. If you didn't like USWA, SMW, and the various other Nashville wrestling shows that came out, with the exception of MCW, then you truly are a moron. Nashville wrestling has been some of the best for YEARS, and NWA-TNA is continuing that tradition. How you could be a fan of the "old" NWA, and not like the current TNA product is beyond me, its likely that you refuse to like anything "new" since you like no current stars in WWE, dislike TNA, and think Austin should still be on top of the E. Get with program, its not 1986 or 1996 for that matter anymore.
Now a question from Mike Doro:
Q: I was wondering since you said WWE should focus on the future of the business, and not the past (Foley, Austin, HBK,etc.) what do you think of Edge? I never heard you say anything about him and I was wondering if you thought he has what it takes to lead the next generation? I also completely agree with you about how WWE should focus on their future stars. Lookin forward to your next "Bytch".
A: I love Edge. Here is a guy who is young, talented and has come a full 100% better then he was when he was "Raven wannabe". Edge should be WWE Champion within the first 2 months of his return, in which he should beat Taker to become #1 contender, beat Lesnar for the belt, and defeat Angle in his first major title defense. Then a freshly turned heel Benoit should challenge him for the belt, and they should feud for a few months. So yes, Edge is a company guy.
CJ Ambrosia asks about SMW:
Q: Could you talk a little bit about your time in SMW? I have the "Night Of The Legends" DVD, and according to Cornette, you were very new to the business at the time. Could you talk a bit about starting out there and working with Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson, and of course being handcuffed to Ricky Gibson on that show? Was it a bit overwhelming, working with people who were at the time (and still are) considered living legends? Or was it easy to do?
A: I loved my time in SMW, imagine being trained by guys like Jim Cornette, Kevin Sullivan and being around the legends like the R-n-R Express, working with a young Jericho and Lance Storm, and a assortment of other greats. SMW was a great federation, as was its counterpart USWA. If you liked those tapes of SMW, and the homeland product that had legends and young new stars, then let me tell you: NWA-TNA is a product for you. The comparisons to SMW are endless there. I had a great time in SMW, and watching some of their old tapes always brings back fine memories. Jim Cornette's OVW is doing a lot of the same great work today. Cornette is a genius, its a shame he isn't managing anymore or booking WWE.
Last but not least, Franco writes.....
Q: Dear Tammy, whats your opinion on wrestling rumors?
A: I think I've went over this before, but this week I have a great example about how Wrestling rumors are 90% BS. Here is my example.
This past Wednesday about 2 hours before NWA-TNA aired, 411wrestling.com broke a story (Probably reported somewhere else and posted here later) about how NWA-TNA had nothing for Jerry Lynn to do, and that he wouldn't be appearing on their shows anymore.
That story made sense, after all TNA wrote Jerry Lynn out of the storylines almost 2 months ago. So if you read this story, you'd believe it. You probably really thought this story came from some deep inside source.....The reality though, is it was complete bullshit. How do I know that, you ask?
Well that freaking night, on TNA Jerry Lynn returned. Not only did he return, but he was entered into a possible feud with Kid Kash, and was picked to be the CAPTAIN of the TNA team against the guys from AAA in a few weeks.
Now let me ask you, if this "news" about Jerry Lynn not having anymore work in TNA was from such a inside source....How could they so terribly wrong? I mean if you report a story, you have facts or at least some information right? So how did this person deep in TNA, reportedly Dutch Mantel, NOT know that Jerry Lynn was going to be such a big part of the show that night?
The fact is, Dutch never told anyone that. Someone made it up, cause they needed to break some news, and thought saying Lynn wouldn't appear on TNA was a safe bet since he had been wrote out of the storylines 2 months beforehand. It was just bad luck, because the night the story broke was the same night he returned.
Wrestling rumors are 90% fake. If they were true, Jerry Lynn won't be on TNA in the future weeks, but you know.....
That's my Bytch!
In all fairness, being the Net-centric company that it is, and with Russo back in influence, it’s not much of a stretch to believe that NWA specifically PLANTED the “Jerry Lynn ain’t coming” story just to keep net guys on their toes.
For those of you who don’t know… Josh Grut does a weekly column over at 411 Black and in it, he has guest writers… (wonder where he gets these ideas). Including a girl named… umm… let me check a sec… okay, Gloomchen!
Anywhoo, the thing you have to know about Josh is that I like him, but he tends to get a bit… OVERdefensive about certain things. And one day he boldly announced to me that his girl “is a better writer than anyone else online!”
And when I disagreed, he stayed true to form and became OVERdefensive.
So basically, when I want to break his balls, I hit him where he feels it the most! It’s only recently that he’s learned NOT to react according to my wishes… but it’s still fun to press his buttons. He’s so enamored that all I have to do is say her name wrong and he gets upset. It’s really a hoot.
So anyway, the following chat between him and I started out as a discussion on how to bring more people to 411 in this down time (and hits are down across the IWC, it’s just that time of the year):
VPJG: Hits are down. How do we get them back? Hyatte1com: MORE BLOOM TEN!!! Hyatte1com: no... wait VPJG: heh. Hyatte1com: that'll lose everyone else VPJG: No it won’t. What’s your problem anyway
Hyatte1com: BLOGS FOR EVERYONE!! Hyatte1com: no Hyatte1com: umm
VPJG: Come on superstar. Save the site. Hyatte1com: GRUT MAKES JOKES ABOUT MOVIES!! Oh hell, that killed the whole zone VPJG: It sure did. I felt like Isiah Thomas and the CBA. Hyatte1com: uhhh.... SCOOTER RANTS ABOUT CLIPPING IS TOENAILS!!! VPJG: No ideas, huh?
Hyatte1com: hey pal, I am busy running the forum and saving Widro that headache, I'm doing my part VPJG: The forum is for fags. I see a return to the basics. Hyatte1com: and you have no idea how EASY running the forum is
VPJG: One of the biggest hit getters was always top ten lists. VPJG: Bring that back. It can be any asshole.
Hyatte1com: TOP TEN REASONS WHY JUNE ZEN BLOWS!! VPJG: Exactly. Hyatte1com: #10: Cuz she's dumb Hyatte1com: #9 cuz she ain't smart Hyatte1com: #8 cuz Grut's in love Hyatte1com: #7 all that weights she lost is coming back anyway, and it'll bring friends!! Hyatte1com: #6 The fuck is she mouthing off about? Hyatte1com: #5 Someone stick a penis in that mouth to shut her up! Hyatte1com: #4 Who the fuck is she again?? Hyatte1com: #3 She writes for who? I thought he quit Hyatte1com: #2 Hyatte don't like her Hyatte1com: and the number one reason why Moon Unit Glenn BLOWS Hyatte1com: #1: Her boyfriend can't write either!!
Hyatte1com: BA DA DAAAA BA DA DAAA BA DADADAADADAAAA VPJG: Anyway, that's one way to help the site.
Hee hee hee heee…
What? I’m simply TREASURING my friend Josh Grut! Good Lord, can’t a guy TREASURE his friends?
Jeeze.
A VISITOR FROM THE EAST…
Why not, it’s been a while… and now, here is my assistant… Haywood Jablomee:
And now it’s time for the return of a visitor from the east… the all-knowing, all-seeing, sage, soothsayer, and Stephanie McMahon’s personal nutrionist: here is HYATTEYAK THE UNINTELLIGIBLE!!!
Thank you, thank yo… WHOOPS (*trips and wipes out*)
Are you okay, oh great one?
I am fine… may Widro be irritable with you on his good days!
HAHAHAH HEYOO
Thank you
I hold in my hand several envelopes. Even a Canadian could clearly see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today… NO ONE knows the contents in these envelopes but you, oh Mighty Hyatteyak, shall divulge the answers without looking at the questions… are you ready, HYATTEYAK???
I am ready.
Didn’t you used to call yourself Carnac
Just give me the first envelope please
The first envelope! Hermetically sealed
Yes
In a jar
Yes
Funk & Wagnall’s porch
Who?
Since noon today.
Hyatteyak needs absolute silence.
Often times, Hyatteyak GETS absolute silence.
(*audience chuckles*)
May your only son think Scott Keith’s rants are hilarious!
Oh… DEAR!! HOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) MADE IN JAPAN
MADE IN JAPAN
Made… in Japan
MADE…….. IN JAPAN
(*rip… poof*)
What will Ultimo Dragon be doing for a living after the WWE fires him?
HIYOOOO!!! A MAID IN JAPAN!!! YOU ARE CORRECT, OH GREAT ONE!! HAHAHAHAHA
(*holds envelope to head*) HOEDOWN
HOEDOWN!!!
Hoedown
HOEDOWN
(*rip… poof*)
What does Booker T shout after a sister is capped in a drive-by?
HOEDOWN!!!!!!! HEEEYOOOOO!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAA HO HO HO HO
May your only son find Pat McNeil sexy!
May Al Isaacs refuse to return your phonecalls.
HOOOOO, HU.. HOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) Chyna, Nathan Jones, and Stephanie’s Ass
CHYNA!!! NATHAN JONES!!! AND STEPHANIE’S ASS!!!
(*rip… poof*)
Name a Big Hump, and Big Chump, and a Big Dump!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHIYOOOOO
May you go from baddest stud on the net to a administrator on a wrestling forum
HEEYO
(*holds envelope to head*) RUSSO GOOD
RUSSO GOOD!!!
I just said that.
I JUST SA…. Oh.
(*rip… poof*)
What can you get a Vietnamese hooker to say for an extra $10?
HAHAHAHIYOOO!! RU SO GOOD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HEYOOO RU SO GOOD!!!!
(*holds envelope to head*) The Spear and the Jackhammer
(*rip… poof*)
Name two special items hidden in Mrs. Dave Scherer’s “toy chest’?
HEYOOOOO HO, HIYOOOOOOO
May you spend four hours listening to Flea explain why he’s better than everyone else.
HAWHAWHAWHAW
(*holds envelope to head*) The Ring of Honor
THE RING…. OF HONOR!!
Oh shut up. May your Friday nights consist of hearing a girl make beaver sounds!
HAHAHAhiyooo
(*rip… poof*)
What’s another way of saying, “Wrestlers who work for gas fare!”
HEYOOOOO HO, HIYOOOOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) Hacksaw Jim Duggan
(*rip… poof*)
Who did my friend Hack see bussing tables in Newark last week?
HOOOOOOO!!! HACK SAW JIM DUGGAN!!! HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
May you be called dumb by an inbred hick named “Jeb”.
(*holds envelope to head*) The Dead Man Returns!!
(*rip… poof*)
What’s the name of Owen Hart’s new DVD?
HO!!! HIYOOO!!!!!!!! TRULY A MARVEL, OH GREAT ONE!! HEH HEH HEH!!!
(*holds envelope to head*) Sunday, Bloody Sunday!
(*rip… poof*)
What did my mom used to make me eat after she used a banana for a tampon?
I hold in my hands the LAST envelope
(*Audience roars*)
May you become obsessed with a monkey-faced Latina with a 13 year old boyfriend!
HAHAHAAAA
May your only daughter be made to stay after school for a private tutorial from her horny teacher, Bruce Mitchell
May your Triple H story offend the Scotsman.
May Mike Melchor suddenly be a part of your site.
May you catch your wife having cyber-sex with the Netcop!!!
DEAR GOD, HO HO HOOOOO
(*holds envelope to head*) Widro, Bret’s Dad, and one of my testicles
WIDRO…. BRET’S DAD…. AND ONE OF YOUR TESTICLES!!!!!!
(*rip… poof*)
Name a Jew, and Stu, and a Blue
HAHAHAHAA HEYOO HO HIYOOO
THANK YOU, I AM HYATTEYAK… GOODBYE!!!
GOODBYE, OH GREAT ONE… GOODBYE!!
A LIVE MIC = DANGER!
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.
This week, we mix a little classic old school with some new school, and we cap off with a little bit of PROPHESY from one Vincent Kennedy McMahon!
Savage should be disqualified. That clothesline was deliberate.
Well of course it was deliberate Monsoon. You think he fell into it by accident?- Jesse and Gorilla at Wrestlemania 3.
I’m surprised Hogan didn’t take a cheap shot on the Rooster
Come On, Jesse!
I would!
I know you would!
You would too, Gorilla! There's no halo hanging over your head- Ventura and Monsoon
Greg the Hammer never makes the same mistake twice.
Yeah, he usually makes it three or four times.- Piper and Heenan from Summerslam 91
I hired Bobby Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlend just for the hell of it- Bischoff on his first Raw: 2002
Hey twenty years ago I dropped Andy Kaufman on his head and people still talk about it!
Yeah and they made a movie about it that five people saw!- King and JR, Royal Rumble: 2001
Sting, you're going to learn what the lady I was with last night learned! I’m a sixty minute man baby and ask Luger, cause it takes more than muscles and ARRRGH to get a WHOO out of me!!- Flair, NWA TV: 1988
Barbarian doesn’t like Flair!
Barbarian doesn’t like anybody. When I managed him he barely liked me. Why do you think they call him the Barbarian? He's not a hairdresser on his day off you know!- Monsoon and Heenan
Can you of picture Bret Hart giving up in the sharpshooter? - Lawler
Hey, it could happen - Vince McMahon: Wrestlemania 13
Wow! Vince knew… even back then, he just KNEW he’d have to fuck a Canadian over!!
Heh heh… the man is a true genius!
The movie section gets a week off. You’ll live, mark-boy geeks.
With Tammy making up for time lost, and Hyatte-yak, and Mojo’s guest shot, we’re running low on space, so you’ll get some really fun gossip next week… for right now tho’…
THE LAST RYDE(R)
Alas, with the news that Bullet Bob Ryder has sold his portion of 1wrestling.com fully to his partner, Joey Styles, the IWC has suffered yet another loss of an imminently ball bustable writer! I, of course, upon hearing the news, was… actually, I didn’t give a shit.
I mean really, Bob hasn’t written a damn thing worth commenting on in YEARS. He handles all of TNA’s travel bookings (through his own company, so you KNOW he’s found a way to bleed a few extra shekels out of Panda Energy beyond his TNA salary, that shrewed bald tubby FOX!! AND he’s TNA’s talent liaison… which means he’s the hillbilly Jim Ross for the hillbilly WWE! So, he’s a busy man.
Now, WHY Bob bailed on the site he made famous (Scherer didn’t step up his own obnoxious “ain’t 1wrestling gr8” behavior until well after Bob started dividing his time) can be looked at from a few angles:
-1 Conflict of interest: Running a website while being knee deep in a wrestling company can make for some hinky ethical challenges… but Bob was part of WCW for YEARS and didn’t leave his site (more on that contradiction later). So chances are that isn’t the issue.
-2 No time: Making sure Jesse James didn’t pass out in the airport bathroom and miss his flight takes a lot of energy. Deciding whether to send Vince Russo home or keeping him around takes a lot of energy. Shaving Dutch Mantel’s back while cooing in his ear about how in-touch with the kids his booking is takes energy. Something has to give! 1wrestling is not the so successful-it’s almost a license to print money-success Scherer pretends it is.
-3 Styles issued an ultimatum. Maybe Joey wants it all to himself and forced Bob’s hand?
-4 Bob has decided that TNA has legs and WILL stand the test of time and WILL become a success and THERE IS a future here and he can get rid of his 1wrestling safety net! See, I LIKE this theory, because it means that Bob has confidence in the TNA. Bob’s a smart guy who knows which way the wind is blowing. If he is confident about something, that means he’s thought it through carefully before making a decision. So wrestling fans can breath a little easier, the WWE might have some competition before long (that is, until Vince decided to destroy TNA… and at this point in his life, it’ll just take a snap of his fingers)
So good for Bob for finally picking a horse to back! But I’ll miss him. No web writer was as biased as Bob while swearing on a stack of King James’ Bibles that he wasn’t. No writer has balanced the fine line between shill and objectivity with as much CLUMSINESS as Bob Ryder. Oh yes, when he was in WCW he fell off THAT particular tightrope more times than one could count! His “Notes from Bob” were LEGENDARY with their veritable CRUCIFIXION of all things McMahon and his DEIFICATION of any and all things WCW! Why, three simple words single handedly made Bob Ryder and cyber-IWC-household name! Those words, of course, were RAW IS PORN!!
Yet, it was not just those three words that crossed the line from journalist to shill… over the years… the GLORY years for ball busting douchebags like me, Bob spoketh a great many things that just made the net HOWL with rage over the injustice and unfairness of Bob’s commentary! Yes indeed, Bob told one or two WHOPPERS in his time! Luckily, I saved them all on floppy and would now like to display a few of his finer quotes (you weill notice a strange but noticeable change in attitude in 2001… clever readers should be able to figure it out.) Enjoy!
Notes from Bob: 1997
“No doubt in my mind, Kevin Greene has it. I’m not sure what it is, but he has it and WCW is lucky to have him!”
“The WWF is crumbling and at this point, I’m not sure even Eric Bischoff could save it if Vince hired him away from WCW and gave him absolute control!”
“History will show that Vince McMahon’s biggest mistake was sending Bret Hart to WCW in the manner by which he did.”
Notes from Bob: 1998
“How anyone can stomach five minutes of the WWF’s trash is beyond me.”
“Shawn Michaels was the wrong pony for Vince to bet on”
“Austin 3:16 is just a blip in the radar.”
“At this point, I can’t see how the NWO will ever tire out!”
“Tony Schiavone gives Jim Ross a lesson in play by play every week!”
Notes from Bob: 1999
“It’s clear to me that the biggest mistake Hunter Hearst Helmsley made was not staying with WCW.”
“Bischoff will rebound.”
“There is not a doubt in my mind that interest in the WWF product will vanish just as quickly as it rose.”
“With Kevin Nash doing the booking the sky’s the limit for WCW.”
“WCW Thunder will do for Thursdays what Nitro did for Mondays. Friends will not last too much longer.”
“Now that Vince Russo has joined WCW, I can honestly say that the WWF will flounder about like a trout in a fishing boat!”
“Lex Luger is more popular than Steve Austin.”
Notes from Bob: 2000
“If you watch Nitro I will let you sleep with my daughter.”
“Watching Nitro somehow gave me a full head of hair! It really, really works!”
“What I like about Goldberg is that he puts the business first!”
“Sid and Scott Steiner will revolutionize this business!”
“Mark Madden will bring the yo ung audience back to Nitro, including the elusive female demo!”
“Tank Abbot is the next Hulk Hogan!”
“Eric Bischoff has always treated Ric Flair like royalty!”
“Russo will save us!”
Notes from Bob: 2001
“I always loved the WWF product, since day one!”
“Austin 3:16? Absolutely brilliant!”
“Eric never stood a chance against Vince McMahon!”
“I love porn! I really do! Always have! I think children should be exposed to it early and often!”
“Russo sucks and always has.”
“Could someone please tell Vince I am available for post-Raw internet shows?”
And alas, after that, Notes from Bob were never quite the same!
Bob… oh poor Bob… we hardly knew ye… except for your phone number, I found it and posted it! Oh that was a fun time! Scoops was so PISSED at me! Al Isaacs called me in NEAR TEARS shouting “How could you do this to us? We were about to make some serious money!!!” Heh… man, I was an animal back then!
A’ight… I’m gone for the week. Next week, I’ll be back, and I’ll have a piece of fiction at 411 Black next week too!! Something NON-wrestling and not a single character named “Scooter” in sight! You’ll love it!
