And I'm not mad that you didn't return my shit, and I'm not a white boy trying to be black. What are you a racist. I mean c'mon nigga, be fa real. I'm not white, and I do have a life unlike you who dreams of fucking fuckin Trish Stratus. The only reason I sent those Guide to life columns is to see if you would answer. You think I meant any of that shit, negro please. You can make all the comments you want about me, but none of that shit effects me. Fuck u, and how do u know if I'm white? Have u met me muthafucka? Nah, so fuck off. Actually fuck face, I've stopped stalking writers and Grut, Flea, Scotsman and Widro are now getting along better. So fuck u. Nice try
JayDogKeepinItReal
I love the letters that begin in mid-tirade
I know you’re white because no proud brother would act so ig’nant
Now quit IMming me begging for a truce. It’s pathetic. Do it again and I’ll slap yo moms right in her cockhole.
Dear Chris,
Any idea why Fleezie's site went dark?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Unca Ed
I know why he shut it down. I can’t say anything other than it involves cheese and black people.
Hyatte, Since you've been back on 411, I can't decide if you suck or if you entertain the hell out of me. Anyway here's something to piss off the net geeks. I can never accept Chris Benoit as WWE Champion for one reason. He looks like an Oompa-Loompa from Willie Wonka. It's really frickin bizarre, but watch the movie and tell me it's not true. And no I'm not currently on drugs, but I admit I have no life so fuck off and die you dirty rat bastard.
Gary
Minneapolis
“Oompa-Loompa”… The Canadian Crippler: Oompa-Loompa! HA!!
I haven't been able to watch Raw in a few weeks until post-Rumble so I have a question. How long have Trip's interviews been like that where the only camera angle is up his generous nose? My god that is disgusting. I don't care how smooth his skin is or what his pores look like. Someone in the truck needs to say "pan out". Or is it just Trip's new thing to put even more (ahem) focus on him?
Name Forgotten
Let’s put it this way… RAW producer Kevin Dunn once TRIED to draw less attention to Hunter’s nose and asked the cameraman for assistance:
Dunn: I’d like to make Hunter’s nose look a LITTLE less outrageous, how far can you pull back?
Cameraman: How do you feel about Cleveland?
Dunn: Knock it off!
The preceding exchange is all true and was NOT stolen from the movie “Tootsie”
Your columns rock, SK is a fag.
Bruce Clark
Who?
You mention me in your column, you flatter me. You know, in that kind of way like getting punched by a professional athlete for getting mouthy.
Someday you’ll love me. You’ll love me deep and long.
Summer M. Schissel (Grut’s chick)
Usually it’s the other way around, banana pants
To the esteemed cuntface
I read the Brethren. It was as good as you said.
Fuck you.
Andrew
I told you.
By the way, the Book of the Two Week Thing was delayed a week, I’ll get it up as soon as I can.
Dear cuntface, I do miss the Hyatte stuff, it vanished 3 YEARS AGO!!! Hasn’t been seen since! Please retire now and save what’s left of your dignity…
madmex
Bah!!
Hi Hose Monkeys, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News and I am hopelessly late so we will dispense with the nicety nice nice and get rolling. Indeed we shall:
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS TOPICAL JOKES WITH WRESTLING AWKWARDLY ADDED IN OF THE WEEK
Congratulations to the New England Patriots for a close game and a thrilling Superbowl victory! It wasn’t a very pretty game! Why, I haven’t seen so many failed passes since the night Pat Patterson and Jeff Hardy walked into a STRAIGHT bar!
In other news, earlier today, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and saw his shadow! So we can look forward to at least six more weeks of Triple H putting no one over!
In politics, Senator John Kerry was the big winner in both the Ohio and the New Hampshire caucuses! Asked to explain his poor showing, Presidential Hopeful Howard Dean said, “If only my hair was seven feet tall and weighed 300 pounds! That’s the only way you can get heat in this damn country!”
You’re in a good mood, tonight, Bob Newhart is here (audience roars), one of the greats in rock music, Mr. Chuck Berry (audience roars), and Gertrude Slant who has the world’s largest collection of potato chips that look like celebrities!! So stay where you are (*swings imaginary golf club back) we’ll be riiiight (drum roll… golf swing) back… (orchestra plays). I thank you… whoopie!!
Ugh… lame, lame, LAME!
LAND(ELL)ING IN THE POKEY
There was a big fan-fest honoring old school Mid-Atlantic wrestling in Charlotte this weekend, and I ALMOST went.
Buddy Landell was there and was promptly arrested for getting into a hotel lobby fight with a police officer. Landell pulled off a thrilling escape after he tripped the guard before he could close the cell door and then stunned him with the Corkscrew Elbow Drop finisher that Landell invented and amazingly, no one has picked up on since even though it’s a flashy move. The guard wasn’t hurt, he was just stunned with laughter that he couldn’t catch his breath and call for back-up.
A few hours later, police picked up “Playboy” Buddy Rose and tossed him in the clink… only Internet Smarts can tell those two inbreds apart, anyway. Charlotte Police are fairly sure they have the right guy, but don’t really much care either way. One fat bleach blonde rassler named Buddy is MORE than enough evidence.
A free man, Landell was later seen holding the defunct National heavyweight title just out of reach from the hands of a still wheelchair bound Magnum T.A and chanting, “You never beat me, you never beat me!”
SOME IRONIC WITTY TITLE INVOLVING THE WORD “SUPERBOWL” GOES HERE
Everyone bitches about the Superbowl always being one-sided. Well, not this year.
It’s not every game where the first half is a defensive clinic and the second half is an offense bombardment. Plus it was tight right down to the last 4 seconds! Second time in three years this happened, with the same team, and decided on the foot of the same player!
What a good game.
The commercials were weak, though. Where were the killer movie trailers?
The BEST spot was of that Referee who ignored the screaming coach the same way he ignored his screaming wife. Man, that cracked me up.
But nevermind that, I want to talk about the halftime show.
First of all, Justin Timberlake is WAAAY too much of a corporate lapdog to spontaneously rip off Janet Jackson’s breast like that… even though Miss Jackson’s shocked and appalled reaction was some of her finest acting since her time on “Diff’rent Stokes”… Timberlake would have never tried that without her approval.
Janet never did anything for me… she looks too much like her damn brother.
And she didn’t belong there. Neither did Timberlake. What the FUCK is smooth R & B performers doing performing at a FOOTBALL game?? This is FOOTBALL… AMERICAN FOOTBALL! Where was goddamn Metallica?
Kid Rock? Hell yeah! P Diddy? Okay, he’s up MTV’s ass. Nelly? Well… fine… whatever. But Justin and Janet? Does MTV think teenage girls are watching this game? Or fags?
I mean, if this was the CANADIAN Superbowl, then fine, bring on the boy toys… but it’s not… it’s AMERICA! Christ, I’d take even KISS!!
But NOT Bon Jovi! Johnny’s too cute for football!
AND AEROSMITH CAN GODDAM RETIRE ALREADY!!! JESUS!
This just in, the Canadian Football league’s own “Superbowl” (called “the Superbowl, eh”) has been cancelled when 2/3s of the Toronto Argonauts offensive line became pregnant. The CFL offered to make it a FLAG football game but they were told to “take off”.
THE GUIDING LIGHT SHINES ANEW
So, with Flea shutting down his site, what do I do with Guide to Life?
Well, I’ll be honest, I liked answering the questions, but I hated, hated, HATED putting together the column itself… so I talked to Widro about it and we decided on this:
Here’s how it works… I have a 411 blog space where I can post whatever and whenever I want, but rather than drone on about the silly little crap in my life that no one gives a shit about… and rather than show everyone that all I do all day is watch DVDs and comment aboot what I see on TV (Hiya Scott!), I would answer advice questions! This does two things: 1- it eliminates the bullshit introductions that I did with the Flea columns and gets right to the questions and 2- it gets the advice up quicker… so no more waiting three weeks before I get to answering you. It’s also extremely convenient for me… I can just pop an answer or two up each day.
So there you go… oh, and I screwed up the formatting on the first one here, so you’ll have to read carefully, because at one point, you won’t be able to distinguish the question from the answer… but there are only three questions posted (and one tale of drug abuse from a reader with advice of his own)… but other than that, it’s good to go and you now have to zip over to Black at least once a day to see if I posted anything. Which makes Widro happy… and it’s all about Widro’s happiness these days… the cheeky little hebe.
Look, if you have a problem, ask me for advice… I’m smarter than you and I know my way around humanity.
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS TRISH HYATTE
Now here’s a story that will not die.
Sao, Vince is doing these pre-game meetings and all reports indicate that he bullies the Smackdown punks while treating the RAW vets like adults.
And, depending on who’s talking, the meetings are either very productive or blown off as Vince being a dick.
But there was an incident during RAW’s first meeting that Keller won’t let go of.
So, the girl raises her hand and suggests to Vince that they make the House Shows more in tune with the TV show angles… to create a better unity and maybe bring more than 2’000 fans in. Personally, I would be more excited if the house shows had a more free flowing, “anything can happen” feel… like Face vs Face or Batista vs Orton… just to throw stuff against the wall and see what happens.
But in any case, it was an honest suggestion from one of the hardest workers in the company… one who doesn’t even NEED to be that hard a worker as she was hired more for her body than anything else.
Well, Vince brushed her off and Trish was apparently belittled by everyone for such a DUMB idea.
Now, in the latest newsletter, Keller says that some of the wrestlers actually DEFEND the belittling of Trish: "Unfortunately, Trish came off as extremely stupid with her comments in the meeting. Several people mentioned later in the day that she thinks she knows what she is talking about but actually doesn't". Was the exact quote.
Now look… I’m just a web fuck… I don’t know nothing about anything, yeah.
But bitch, PLEASE. Whoever said that should grow up.
It’s not a bad idea, it’s not a good idea, it’s an idea… simple and harmless… and if a male wrestler said it, no one would’ve raised an eyebrow…
BUT the most popular, most OVER, GIRL in the company, one who people are actually excited to see live… one who gets a solid pop no matter WHAT she’s doing said it… and then the sniping begins.
She’s a GIRL… she’s no threat to ANYONE’S spot… just because she has more heat than 90% of the boys isn’t her fault… it’s YOURS. All she does is try her hardest.
Jealous of a girl… whoever is griping ought to be ashamed of themselves
And to make matters worse, Trish hasn’t wrestled on TV in two weeks and recent house shows have her making brief cameos in interfering with Jericho/Kane matches and making out with Y2J afterwards. I’m not sure… does this mean she’s in the doghouse?
Man, I hope she isn’t forced to blow her way out of it… in this business, anything is possible.
Why any chick would want to get into this business is beyond me
A BYTCH FROM THE SYTCH
I’m sure you’re aware by now, but if not… Tammy’s column this week was so long that turned it into her very own column. Whether this becomes the normal trend or not is up to her. She has unlimited space (well, sort of) to work with, so we’ll go week to week with it. It’s been up for almost a full day before I finished this column, so if you were around on Sunday, you probably seen and read it.
BUT, you might NOT have read her little contribution to Flea’s latest column. Fuckin’ Flea… he’s ALWAYS trying to steal my girls away from me.
One last note about Tammy… I’m not sure why she didn’t include this in her column, but she recently announced her retirement on the USWA board. Actually, I’m willing to bet that she already had her column written by the time she announced, and since she already had the thing stuffed, she figured to write about it next week or something. Unless either me or that message board has been scammed. Man, I hope not, that would be almost humiliating! (almost! Cuz I can weasel my way out of ANY embarrassing situation on sheer willpower and the strength of my personality)
Anyway, the point I want to make here is that 411… Ashish specifically, reported the story. As did many other sites, and message boards.
Now, no one mentioned what’s she’s doing now… here, with me… and I’m sure this might raise eyebrows, including hers. Is she reaching no one? Is she REALLY on a nothing site that no one pays attention to?
The answer is no. Everyone knows full well that she’s here, (or at the very least, someone claiming to be her). The fact is that web assholes LOVE to pretend that I don’t exist, yet many of them are the same people who claim they are “journalists”… no they ain’t… a pure journalist is objective. To not admit what’s staring everyone in the face (I am a top-read guy, after all), means they are tossing their integrity out the window.
(but read the report link… Ashish didn’t even mention that she writes for HIS OWN SITE… good going Ash. Well done)
None of this bothers me, it just irritates me, but it also allows me to blatantly steal news stories from these morons without crediting them. If they don’t want to play fair, then I won’t. Fuck them up the ass with a garden weasel… I’m a monster thorn in everyone’s side and people actually PRAY for the day I just go away.
And if you think I’m kidding, then how come Wade Keller just e-mailed Ashish about crediting the Torch with news stories? How come Jay Bower has an e-mail from Bruce Mitchell saying that he couldn’t contribute to Bower’s “Be a 411 Writer” contest because “of that fellow who makes fun of Pat McNeil’s mother”? How come Dave Scherer still curses whenever someone mentions my name to him? I mean, forget about me for a second, 411 also has Scott Keith… anyone dumb enough to think HE isn’t read by these fucks. How come the Taking of Triple H, which was plugged ONLY in this column, sent so many readers to Flea’s site that he actually made a little money off it? Not a lot, just a few bucks… which is pretty frickin impressive considering 1ryderfakin never had a single pop-up… just a small banner leading to a book for sale.
The Internet IS JUST as political as the Raw locker room… make NO mistake about it, people. These web guys are petty, paranoid, and frightened about losing their popularity. With the exception of Dave Meltzer, who makes enough money to not give a flying fuck, these grown men are just children. Hypocritical children. This is why I will NEVER stop mocking them. This is why I’ll ALWAYS goof on them. Fuck them!
Before I die I am going to find either Keller, Mitchell OR Scherer and beat the living shit out of them…. JUST BECAUSE I CAN!!!
And they are running SCARED these days… wanna know why? Read on.
THE IWC’S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
There are some things web guys do or say that is pure bullshit.
What I mean is, because this is more of an ego-driven forum for us idiots than you could ever conceive, (yes, I mean me too, I’m being honest here), there are some things web guys will NEVER ‘fess up to. And you would be left completely ignorant of the truth, were it not for my whistleblowing ass.
For instance, the last time I had a segment with this title, it was to explain how we multiply the number of e-mails we get on any given week by a certain percentage curve (and if you REALLY think Dave Scherer gets between 500 to 1’000 e-mails a day then do I have a plot of land to sell YOU). There is a whole THREAD at a very private “staff only” 411 forum filled with writers looking for ways to improve feedback. I’ll be honest, I never get a huge outpouring of e-mail… I am lucky enough to get a steady trickle every day of the week.
Anyway, the point I’m about to make here is that this time around, I stumbled on a brand new kind of bullshit that some web guys are trying to pull… so, since I’m in a pissy mood about them, I thought it would be fun to expose a little something here and let you in on a pretty big secret.
It started with the Torch.
About 8 weeks ago, I received a free “we want you back” Torch newsletter from Keller. It wasn’t a very GOOD edition (an extra-long McNeil column and James Guttman were the highlights), but I was impressed. I never renewed (andfleaisn’tthatgenerous) my previous subscription, so this was nice. I actually meant to compliment Keller here in the column about it, but didn’t for some reason. In retrospect, I’m quite glad.
But then I noticed something about the Torch website (AND FUCK THE LINK): over the last few weeks, it seems that Wade has been increasing the “special deals/rates” with subscriptions and, more importantly, his silly “V.I.P” area (which I get to go into, because NO ONE READS ME, AND CERTAINLY NO ONE WOULD GIVE THAT SNAKE HYATTE THEIR PASS INTO THEIR PREMIUM, MEMBERS ONLY SITES, RIGHT BOYS???) which isn’t worth the money (unless you WANT to read Mark Madden post his resume on their message board every time he shows up, or if you WANT to read people actually kiss Pat McNeil’s fat ass for his “comedic skills”).
Now, it seems that special offers to become a “V.I.P” subscriber are a weekly occurrence with them, with each “special” being more seductive than the last.
It wasn’t until Wade started to sell his website HARD on his audio reports that I started to smell a rat. On a recent broadcast, Wade took a full 5 minutes applauding ALL the great stuff his site has… he even had the NERVE to single out Pat McNeil’s “song parodies” as a PLUS (because song parodies work SO WELL in “print form”… to READ Pat base Hunter locker room politics around Simon and Garfunkle’s relevant-to-today’s-audience: “Bridge Over Troubled Water” is something EVERY mark must experience!). Until recently, Wade’s audio reports focused on NEWS, not HIS SITE.
And by the way, McNeil’s columns are a feature on the FREE part of the Torch… which is important to note.
Now, while Wade is busy adding the extra pimp to his audio, and creating these “join us and see why we rule” promotional campaigns, he is also making it a POINT to celebrate how INCREDIBLY HUGE the Torch is… and how he gets BILLIONS of people visiting the site every day! Oh yes, Wade cries, Our audience has NEVER BEEN HIGHER!!
Oh, and THEN Wade has begun to ACTIVELY bitch about people stealing news from the Torch WITHOUT giving proper credit… he’s even threatening mass lawsuits if this practice continues. Now, why would Wade Keller suddenly start bitching about this NOW, you wonder, ESPECIALLY since I’ve never SEEN a website NOT give proper credit to the Torch, or at least it’s newsletter.
Anyway, since I actually enjoy hearing Wade sputter on about how Vince sucks (seeing how it’s free for me… FREE, WADE!!), I couldn’t help but notice how he has been using more audio time to pimp the site as of late. I filed it under “curious” and forgot about it.
Then the 1wrestling mutiny went down.
If you don’t know, Dave Scherer, Buck Woodward, and two other clowns left 1wrestling. Now, rumors started to fly as to WHY they left, and WHY they left immediately following Bob Ryder’s “selling of 1wrestling controlling interest to Joey Styles” (which everyone, myself included, figured that Bob was just devoting himself to NWA full time and leaving the site… which turns out to be completely false as Bob is more heavily involved with his site than before… which ruined my farewell to him last week, but was still fun to write and fun to read anyway). 1wrestling, obviously reeling from the mass mutiny, needed a few days to get everything straight… and they announced that Dave left because his contract expired and he wouldn’t sign a new one that had a “15% paycut”
By the way, this means that all those wonderful Pop-Ups that 1wrestling has was to pay Dave… it also means that all those wonderful pop-ups that Dave’s NEW site, Pwinsider has, is there to pay him as well… so every time you go there, you are paying Dave’s salary. (1wrestling’s premium section was NEVER that popular… no matter WHAT they tell you… all their BIG money came from the pop-ups.)
So Dave and his crew opened to PWInsider, and wasted ZERO time setting up an “Elite” section which is where YOU pay to read the REALLY inside stuff.
And of course, Dave is already crowing about how EVERYBODY has already signed up for the “Elite” section and how EVERYBODY has clogged up the server of his new site, because he is JUST THAT DAMN POPULAR!!! NO ONE CAN LIVE WITHOUT DAVE SCHERER!!
Okay, so we have Wade Keller pimping the shit out of the Torch while screaming about how he never imagined having such a big audience. Then we have Dave Scherer SCREAMING about how his brand new, 4 day old site has already almost reached 100% of his 1wrestling audience… which, of course, is about the same size of the population of Japan.
Meanwhile, Dave’s going on about how he fully owns PWInsider and that’s what he AWAYS wanted. Maybe that’s true (he DID register the site name last summer), but what if 1wrestling offered him a 15% RAISE? Think he would have bailed? Hell no! He’s a lying sack of shit if he tries to say otherwise
They offered him a 15% paycut as their best offer. Why do you think they would do that to the site’s biggest draw?
Why do you think Keller has officially become desperate for readers to come to the Torch? Not just to buy a subscription, but to come to the FREE section?
Could it be… because the audience is shrinking?
Could it be… the audience is abandoning them in droves?
Yup.
This isn’t isolated either… 411’s numbers are down too… but Widro isn’t sweating… why? Because he gets that it’s PERSONALITIES that make readers come to the site these days… NOT stupid news that everyone posts (with FULL credit) anyway. Myself, Eric, and yes, even Scooter Keith are PERSONALITIES. It’s why 411 has, until recently, have managed to hold onto most of the wrestling audience we had when Raw and Nitro were fighting over a 6 rating… it’s not JUST wrestling news that brings you people in… it’s the PERSONALITIES… and 411 has a TON of them….
So, is there ANYONE out there who wishes to write to me and say that Dave Scherer is a “likeable” personality? Come on? ANYONE want to defend him? Anyone want to say that Dave ISN’T an arrogant blowhard who’s mission in life is to convince you that he is important enough to have Vince McMahon on his speed dial.
So, we cheerfully ADMIT that business has slowed… JUST like we crow when business is up (at least this way, you know we are being honest). We aren’t terrified at losing customers, because we GET IT… they will return, and bring friends.
These ego-maniacal cocksuckers would rather DIE than admit to losing a single reader… that’s the big secret… they are losing MORE than just one. They’re losing them by the boatload…. And they are shitting their pants about it.
The funny part is, Dave Scherer actually believes he IS a likeable enough personality to run a profitable pay subscriber website. Proving once again that Dave was lighting his own farts when he should’ve been reading his college text books, in troubled times businesses should NEVER split, they should CONSOLIDATE… sort of like when 411 took in the smarks.com and exploded into the mega-site it is today. NOT split apart.
And if and when it DOESN’T turn a huge profit for him, he’ll say it is anyway.
Oh, and good luck getting a refund from the 1wrestling premium service. Bob’s got your money and he holding onto it like a squirrel hoards his nuts!
Meanwhile, Dave Meltzer was filthy rich BEFORE he ever thought to go online… so he sees all these chickens running around like their heads have been cut off and he’s probably having a good chuckle.
Smell that? It’s called desperation. Right now, the net is THICK with it! And the more they say readership is incredible, the more worried they are becoming! Keep that in mind and you WILL have a laugh.
Losers.
MY THREE STOOGES
One guy who simply could not possess the BALLS to even ATTEMPT to claim his readership is great is Rick Scaia.
Rick runs a website that’s so tiny, you could open your window, start yelling and reach more people. Realistically, there is no reason why I should even other with him.
But, a long time ago, he was actually quite popular… and a complete fuckhead about it. You people think I carry on like a superstar? You should’a seen Scaia at his most arrogant… he and Scherer could have been twins.
So, now that “The Rick” is down, I like to kick him. And so do a few people, as every week I seem to have a new excuse to put up this segment.
Recently, a reader sent me the following, from Raven’s still pretty new website, an interview between him, Justin Credible, and “Superstar” Scaia. It is the THIRD interview the Rick had conducted with Raven, but the first two he had help from his pal Mike Samuda… this time, the Rick was alone.
And Raven took the jackass to SCHOOL. It’s a perfect example of a smart man (Raven) toying with a man who tries his best to ACT like a smart man (The Rick)
Scaia: Switching gears a little bit, I'd like to hear from you, Justin, on your thoughts about your first month or so as ECW Champ... how do you think the fans are perceiving you? Has anything changed in that regard?
Justin Credible: Not really, it's pretty much the same old thing, you know....
Scaia: Then how do you see your reign progressing as time goes on? Have you got any specific goals or....
Justin Credible: [Jumping in....] I just want to keep doing what....
Raven: [Interrupting] No, his plans are to sink like a rock. Straight to the bottom. That's his goal. I don't mean to be insulting, but this line of questioning, it seems rather "state the obvious." I don't mean to insult you, you might do phenomenal work -- I just don't get on the internet -- but these questions seem ill-prepared. I mean, what are YOUR goals with this interview?
Scaia: [Admittedly getting defensive] Well, you told me to stay away from controversial questions....
Raven: [Addressing Scaia directly....] See, that's all I'm talking about... you can be interesting or controversial without.... your job as the reporter, once you find out there's going to be ground rules, is to find a way to work around them. Loopholes. All you had to do was look for them.
I mean, you always have limitations. In the ring, I mean, if somebody hurt or the crowd's not buying it or whatever, we have to work around that. I'm just saying, you're given certain guidelines because of positions we're in, but I would still make sure I had creative enough stuff to make for a fascinating interview. I'm just a big fan of anything interesting or clever, and I hate anything that isn't. In fact, if it isn't creative or clever, I don't even want to be bothered, because it's useless and a waste of time and/or energy.
I get asked questions all the time, just the most rote, mundane questions ever, and I'm like, "What do you expect me to say?". I'd rather somebody ask me something probing or insightful. And it doesn't even have to be controversial to be that. Everybody thinks it does, but you can have an intelligent discourse without going into anything that's gonna get some guy heat with the office.
Scaia: [Desperately trying to stumble upon an intelligent line of questioning...] Does that obsession with creativity, does that have anything to do with your aspirations in this business?
Then Raven mellowed for a bit and answered some questions… later, he went back to trying to teach Scaia how to conduct a real interview…
Once again, the Rick became flustered:
Scaia: Well, I think part of the problem might be trying to live up to what the readers kind of expect, or even what you guys expect from us....
Raven: Why would you expect that? I mean you see me on TV, I like to think I come across as an intelligent guy. Why would you want to ask me boring questions?
Scaia: I'm not saying I want to bore you, and obviously now I know much better... but in other cases, it might just seem polite to ask softball questions and record the prepared answer.
Raven: But if all I'm going to do is give you a prepared response, do you really want to print that? Do people want to read it?
Scaia: I think to some extent, a canned line of questions is something that people would prefer to read. I mean, we started this off with some pretty standard stuff, but it's material that will appeal to most wrestling fans even if it is obvious. Then we started to get into this more "interesting" stuff, and I can actually see people clicking to a different page because it's not about... I don't know, it's just that if did a website the way I want and did all my interviews like this, instead of trying to temper my style, I don't think I'd have very many readers.
Raven: Well, how are you gonna know until you try?
Scaia: I don't know... I look it like this: I was sent here to do a job. "Get the good stuff," I was told. That means falling back on a certain type of questioning, I think, although I wasn't at liberty to really exercise that with you. I mean, I could do this type of conversation all day, too. I just don't know if it conforms to what most fans think of as "the good stuff." And I do know that what I WASN'T sent here to do was to schmooze and hang out...
Raven: [Chuckling] Not to schmooze or hang out, eh? [At this point, Raven was being called away to do a photo shoot, and had to wrap it up.] Well, that still doesn't mean you can't be creative and clever. I just think this is so much more interesting....
Scaia: I'll definitely take that under consideration as I continue talking with guys today... I apologize if I bored you there for a while, but before you take off, I just want to thank you for your time. I'm sure our readers would do the same, if they actually make it all the way to the end of this interview!
Raven: No problem....
And this is why the Rick couldn’t last without Samuda.
You KNOW he was interviewing the guy and thinking: Why can’t he be cool? Doesn’t he know I write for WRESTLELINE? Doersn’t he know I’m THE RICK!!
Raven rules! He made the arrogant douchebag SWEAT.
Har!
Poor Rick, he used hang with wrestling MOVERS AND SHAKERS… now he’s reduced to dealing with this:
Canis582: please block me so i can be on the midnight news Canis582: chris's advice is to warn people who do this to you
I was goofing around, exploring all the zones 411 has when I found this in the music section.
Joe Posten reviewed the big “WWE Originals” CD, and did a good job of it. I liked his review so much I’m putting it here.
No, this is NOT filler… YOU, John Q Faggot, may be thinking of BUYING the damn CD… so you SHOULD have this for your decision making.
And besides, no one visits the music zone anyway, so I’m thinking Joe won’t mind. (Like I would BOTHER asking him before-hand! HA!)
* * *
Hey gang.
Thanks for joining me in this, my first CD review here at 411. I felt the need to hold back from writing any reviews, until I found the perfect album to start me off. Well, I found the album, but perfect is not a word I would use to describe it.
I decided to do this review song by song, even though the majority of writers for the site hate the style. I just felt that with a work as “epic” as this one, it was necessary.
Prepare yourself folks, and consider yourself warned.
First up we have the first of five “skits” featuring “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. None of these are funny. They follow the exploits of Austin spending the day in the recording studio attempting to record a song. It translates into bad beer jokes that really don’t belong being heard by any living person.
You know, if I was a known alcoholic and convicted woman abuser, I’d probably stay away from any beer jokes. I guess that’s just were me and Stone Cold differ.
I’m really dreading this…
Song 1: The Dudley Boys: “We’ve Had Enough.”
I can understand why they put this song first. If they put it in the middle, you would most likely agree with them and stop listening. This song is really bad. Neither Dudley have good mic skills. Bubba Ray is particularly bad. It’s almost like they’re trying to channel the spirit of Puff Daddy and hoping that saying “What” over and over again will fool the people into thinking this is a quality song. But as bad as the rapping is, the song lyrics are even worse. But as bad as this song is, held up against most of the other songs, it’s really not that bad. If you can look past bad rapping, even worse lyrics, and uninspired beats, it’s really quite good.
Song 2: Trish Stratus: “I Just Want You”
As far as voices go, Trish has one of the least offensive on the album. She can carry a tune, but she really shouldn’t think about doing this again. The song isn’t bad, except for the constant repetition of the chorus. It’s just incredibly boring. While Trish can carry the song, she doesn’t add any emotion to the song, and it’s a slow song to begin with. Completely forgettable.
Song 3: Rey Mysterio: “Crossing Borders”
This is where the CD starts to quickly go down hill. Rey is a terrible rapper. The song is terribly written. Rey spends the song jumping back and forth between English and Spanish that painfully brings two words to mind…”Rico Suave.” THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING WWE! Rey seriously sounds like Gerardo here. It’s painful, and if I was Hispanic, I would probably be offended by this. I’m not Hispanic and this offends me. What song is next?
Song 4: Booker T: “Can You Dig It?”
While Booker T certainly looks like KRS-One, he certainly can’t rap like him. This is one of those rap songs where producers cover half of the lyrics with another rapping overlapping to make the main MC sound much better then he is. That doesn’t save this song. Nothing could save this song. Once again, the producers of this album manage to make a superstar look (sound) completely ridiculous. Booker T is a terrible rapper. BUT as bad as this song is, nothing I have gone through in my life could possibly have prepared me for what comes next…
Song 5: Kurt Angle: “I Don’t Suck (Really)”
It’s Kurt rapping over a rock version of his entrance theme.
This is the single worst song I have ever heard.
Kurt is the single worst rapper I’ve ever heard. I can understand if he was on a show doing this and not taking it very seriously, but the moment you package it and try to sell it, it needs to be at least halfway decent. My words can’t do it justice, so I will put one of Kurt’s verses just so you can understand:
Anything you can do I can do better,
Even when I rap, I rap more better,
It’s like this body, when wrapped in leather,
Perfection, and it gets no better.
Yes, he raps better three times.
If I had actually paid for this CD, this would be the moment when I smash it in my hands.
At least whatever comes next can’t possibly be worse…
Song 6: Lita: “When I Get You Alone”
Okay, I guess I was wrong. For the love of God, who thought that getting the most boring woman on the planet and making her sing a song would be a good idea? First of all, Lita has the worst voice on the album. Secondly, if you’ve ever heard her speak, Lita is an incredibly boring person, and of course she doesn’t change her ways by not putting one iota of emotion into the song. Third, the song sounds like a shitty Go-Go’s song. Why the hell can’t the songwriters get their heads out of the 80’s and 90’s? People don’t write songs that sound this bad anymore. WWE needs to realize that music has changed over the last 10-20 years. I was expecting this album to be bad, but now it’s just pissing me off.
Song 7: Lillian Garcia: “You Just Don’t Know Me At All”
I’ve got no desire to listen to the rest of this now. It’s not bad. Lillian has a good voice, but once again, the song writing destroys it. If Lita Ford had sang this song fifteen years ago, I might have liked it, but it’s the year 2004! So far this is the best song on the album, but it’s too 80’s female metal for me.
Song 8: Eddie Guererro: “We Lie, We Cheat, We Steal”
What the fuck? Did Vince bring in Cheech and Chong for this track? This is pure garbage. Eddie actually splits vocals with Chavo, which is funny because this CD came out a week before they started feuding in the storyline, way to stay consistent with continuity Vince.
Song 9: Chris Jericho: “Don’t You Wish You Were Me?”
Why doesn’t Jericho come to his sense and realize he’s not a rock star? Like Lillian’s song, it’s decent, but doesn’t belong in this decade, or even the last decade. How many songs do I still have to listen to?
Song 10: Rikishi: “Put A Little Ass On It”
This album already has plenty of shit on it, I don’t think we need anymore Ass. Seriously people, it’s a 350 pound Samoan who is only known for rubbing his ass on other man’s faces, singing R&B. Did you think it was going to be good?
Song 11: Stacy Keibler: “Why Can’t We Just Dance”
This song is so overproduced that it really doesn’t matter if Stacy sang it or not. The song sounds like a bad remixed dance song from the eighties. Nothing terrible, but nothing good either.
Song 12: John Cena: “Basic Thuganomics”
What does it say when the best song on the album is just a wrestler’s entrance theme? This is hands down the best song. I don’t know why its one here, and it really doesn’t make up for the 11 other pieces of shit on it, but it’s here. If you’ve ever watched wrestling recently, then you’ve heard it. What more can I say? I will wait until the Cena solo album before passing judgment on his rapping skills.
That’s it? I’m done?
I can’t believe I sat through that entire album.
I think I’ll go beat my cat so I can listen to something a little better.
I always need more of these. You all are doing great, so keep them coming.
This week I thought we would focus on some old and newish WWF quotes, including ending things with a trifecta of great Shawn Michael quotes:
You know, Alundra Blaze could star in westerns if she had two other legs- Lawler from Wrestlemania 10.
Where's Paul Bearer?- Lawler
Is there a buffet in town? He's probably the guest speaker.- Ross
Hi Debra, I've got something for your breasts!
Is there something wrong with them?
No, in fact I get a tingly feeling whenever I look at them. But I'm afraid you might catch a chest cold which in your case might be fatal. Here's a sweater.- Mankind and Debra
Welcome to Raw is Jericho! And all day everybody has been asking me the same question. Y2J, why did you kiss Stephanie McMahon Helmsley last night? Well my response was, have you ever been driving down the highway and you pull over and you see a big nasty piece of road kill on the side of the road? At first you try to ignore it but then your compelled to look at it. And maybe you nudge it with the toe of your shoe. And maybe you take a big branch and start to poke at it. Well last night I took it a step further,last night I kissed the nasty road kill. And believe me, it's something that I never, EVER, want do again! But isn't it appropriate that Kirk Angel became the King of the Ring with the help of the Queen of the filthy, dirty, disgusting, skanky, brutal, bottom feeding, trash bag hoes!!!- Jericho
HOHOHO… first and foremost, okay? First and foremost, oh Lemon Panties… oh Giggle Panties. The Rock HAS done it all!! The only thing the Rock hasn’t done is make a WHITE BABY!! Yeah!- The Rock talking to Terri: Backlash ‘03
Next week on Raw: Marty Janetty- Vince McMahon
WHO?- Shawn Michaels
What do you mean I don’t respect you, you big fat tub of goo?- Shawn Michaels to Sgt. Slaughter
You know ladies you might get pricked by my cactus but you will always get to play with my prairie dog.
You know, no matter how many dick jokes you tell, I never get tired of them. Speaking of which, if you take a look over there you will see a lady's chest with our letters on them
Damn, thats a big chest!
Now, don’t get me wrong. She's a skank but she's wearing our T-shirt so she gets on TV- HHH and HBK from Raw ‘98
Interesting. I haven’t ever made a white baby either! Fingered a few, but that’s about all.
I FEEL THE NEED… THE NEED FOR… FOR…LINE?
I’m still taking suggestions on these. More wrestling quotes at the moment, but whatever you feel like sending my way. Just do your best in making them word perfect.
This week… a little bit of everything, EXTRA long so as to make up for last week!
Christmas!?! Christmas means dinner, dinner means death! Death means carnage, Christmas Means Carnage!!! - Babe
Dirty Cops, drop offs at an airport. If there were was an abandoned warehouse, I think one of us should say we're getting too old for this shit!
Jesus that DOES look like an abandoned warehouse!
I’m getting too old for this shit- The Mod Squad
It was just sex. Don’t think this was anything more than it was. Don’t think about me when I’m gone.
I wasn’t thinking about you during.- Angel
Fire me.
What?
You heard me, I want you to fire me.
I'm not going to fire you.
I'm a terrible worker. I'm the last to arrive and the first to leave.
You're the first to arrive and the last to leave.
And don't you think that's a little strange?
Yes.
I'm a racist.
Jeremy...
I am, I'm a terrible racist. I think all those people with the funny accents and weird skin color should go back to wherever they came from and leave this country to the people who rightfully stole it from the Indians... which they deserved.
Jeremy...
I'm serious, this country is being ruined by the blacks and the Jews.
You're Jewish.
And I have to be stopped!- Sports Night
She disrespected my town, my son, and my authority. That’s just pure communism. Happens all the time, when these dancers start poontanging around with these chauffer fags- Smokey and the Bandit
Aren’t you concerned about the ethical quandaries?
Well I don’t know what ethicals are, but as far as quandaries go, I don’t like Japanese cars. I drive a Volvo- The Nutty Professor 2.
I would offer to help you up but since I’m gonna kill you, I figure you wouldn’t except the help.
That is putting a strain on our relationship.
I could throw you the rest of the rope.
No thanks. You will just have to wait.
How about if I give you my word as a Spaniard.
No, that’s no good, I’ve known too many Spaniards.
Oh well- The Princess Bride
If you’re gonna come in this tub and have your way with me you could at least take off your hat.
Ain’t got time for that.- Two Mules for Sister Sara
Who died and made you Ed McMahon?- Benny and Joon
These sunglasses, they're really nice. Are they government issue or do all you guys go, like, to the same store to get them?- Midnight Run
Midnight Run… that’s when Bobby D actually gave a fuck about his work. Now it’s just about gettin’ paid, muthafucka…
Not that there’s anything REALLY wrong about that.
I have a whiz bang “And Another Thing” for a final piece, but it’s going to wait until next week because I’m dead tired and it’s almost Monday afternoon already. So I’m gonna cut out relatively early (space wise) and do it next week.
Later
Ohh, what the hell.. one more thing…
RACIAL HUMOR
Q: What do you call a (CANADIAN) with no arms?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why do (CANADIAN) women where high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.
Q: Why are (CANADIAN)s eyes red after sex?
A: From the pepper spray.
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 (CANADIAN)s?
A: Warden.
Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 (CANADIAN)s?
A: The quarterback.
Q: How do you get a (CANADIAN) out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: What do you call a (CANADIAN) on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.
Q: Why did the (CANADIAN) put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
Q: What does a (CANADIAN) girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: How many (CANADIAN)s does it take to kidnap a child?
A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
Q: How does a (CANADIAN) Firing Squad stand?
A: In a circle
Q: Why does the new (CANADIAN) navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old (CANADIAN) navy.
Ahhh…. God bless you mooseblowers… every last one of ya’
