Wrestling Noir 08.12.04: Matt Hardy V2.0 - 'Til The Mid-Card Do Us Part

Posted by Asteroid Boy on 08.12.2004

Matt Hardy was once a wrestler on the rise. He had a good gimmick and the work ethic to become a big star. Now he's mired in a soap opera. What happened?

I feel sorry for Matt Hardy.

I originally wrote that he's an idiot, but that's not the truth. Matt Hardy is screwed. Matt Hardy is making a mistake that we all have made, and it's hard to watch. Because his mistake involves a woman.

The facts: Matt has a red-headed ankle weight. Matt is firmly tethered to the WWE kiddie pool. Matt now resembles a promising New Age musician. Blame Matt.

Sure, we thought he broke free. He had his run on Smackdown. It was a little overrated, but Matt Hardy Version 1.0 had promise. Matt worked hard. Matt told us how hard he was working. We rooted for Matt to get over.

Then he went back to the wrong girl, the 2 a.m. girl. Now he's fucked.

Let me explain. There are basically two types of girls (guys too): credit cards and debit cards. Credit cards are the old ex that will still put out for you. Most of the time you're with the debit card. It treats you better. It's domesticated, you can introduce debit card to your folks.

But sometimes you're broke and drunk and it's late and debit card isn't answering the phone. You go to the credit card. Credit card is always there when you knock. You feel guilty and it hurts a little, but the credit card NEVER declines. Credit card knows that even though she's in the back of the wallet, you'll be back.

In the storylines, Lita's a debit card, but she's REALLY a credit card. Maybe she puts out after the bar closes, maybe she doesn't. Maybe she has a disease that flares up every three months, maybe she doesn't. Regardless, when you pair with Lita, you make a loser's deal.

The deal is that you'll always get SOME reaction from the crowd, because they like Lita. She's kinda sexy. That's the good. The bad is, her limits are well-defined. She'll overshadow you. At best, you'll equal her cheers. You'll never get to the top with her. She's a living foreign heel gimmick. She works, but only to a certain degree.

Matt must have known this. If he watches as many wrestling tapes as he says, he must have known. Of course, that's easy for us to say. We have perspective.

It didn't have to be this way. He was his own man on Smackdown. He had a clever gimmick that got cheers. People liked him. People made Version 1.0 signs. People did the V-1 hand gesture, and it didn't mean genital stimulation. That's grassroots momentum and that's what makes you into a star.

Then he moved to RAW. He traded cool heel for sensitive boyfriend with a low sperm count. I guess it was so they could travel together. I don't know. It will cost him.

Ever since he jumped, you could see the writing on the wall. He's stuck in a pregnancy angle. And no matter how long they drag this out, it's not gonna end well for him.

She's deteriorating. Her face is starting to age, her features are getting more and more severe. And since she's a diva, that means she's living on borrowed time.

They're starting to run her down. You think this angle is a coincidence? The "slut" chants have already started. Recent house show sign: "Who hasn't had Lita?" Her stock is sinking and a new $250,000 diva is on the way.

What then for Matt? He's made his deal. He should have known better. We've all made the deal, that's why it hurts.

With apologies to Reagan, he belongs to her now, but we preferred it when he belonged to us.