Cheap Wrestling For Cheap People 11.17.05: Visiting Old Friends (Part 1)
Posted by Ryan Byers on 11.17.2005
Including matches from a former NWA Champ, New Jack, and Carlito's less talented brother.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. I guess I owe an explanation to the five of you who may have realized that my column was missing last week. See, my laptop's monitor decided that Monday the Fifth would be a good time to completely die. After having shipped the machine halfway across the world for repairs and getting it back in just about one week, here I am. (Say what you will about outsourcing, but YOWZA that's quick service.)
A Brief Aside
Unfortunately, the aforementioned computer trouble prevented me from taking part in 411's excellent roundtable tribute to Eddy Guerrero. I won't say much on the topic because it's all been said at this point. I will miss watching Eddy Guerrero the performer, and I feel incredibly sorry for his entire family. However, at the same time, I hope that this can be a wake up call to the entire wrestling industry. I hope that they realize that there can be dire consequences for putting certain things in to your body, be it steroids, recreational drugs, or painkillers. I hope this realization leads to actual change. I hope that we don't have to eulogize another wrestler who passes away before the age of forty.
Yet, as much as I hope, I know how naive it would is for me to expect this to become reality . . . and that's perhaps the saddest part of the whole story.
Yeah, on to the Meat of the Column
This week, we're doing something a little bit different. Those of you who have read the column for a while know that one of my favorite ways to check out free wrestling from across the country is to check out programs that indy companies broadcast through their websites. Over the course of the column's history, I've looked at four such shows. However, you can never really judge the quality of a promotion based on one show and one show alone. That's why I've decided to revisit the shows that I've watched in the past. I'll evaluate them all one more time, and the best of the lot will be crowned KING OF THE WEBCASTS~! The winner receives a purely fictional trophy, crafted out of lovely twenty-four karat gold.
With the concept explained, let's begin the fun.
SHOW NUMBER ONE: JAPW Worldwide Site: http://www.japw.net What I Said Last Time: I will admit that this is the first time that I have watched any of Jersey All Pro. For all I know, their live shows could feature some of the best professional wrestling in the world. For all I know, every guy who appeared on this show is a modern day answer to Ric Flair and could carry all varieties of inanimate object to *** matches. However, the promotion did absolutely nothing to prove any of that with this broadcast.
This Time:
We open up to Trent Acid getting dumped on his head by a two man superplex delivered by the Maximos. We're not told where this footage is coming from, but I'm assuming that it's the company's September 10 "Haas of Pain" show. That gets followed up with a Kryptonite Crunch from Joel, with Kashmere breaking up the ensuing pin attempt. Johnny then gives Jose a neckbreaker on the arena floor, which Acid gets a Yakuza kick on Joel on the inside. The Backseats then call for their T-Gimmick finisher, which they get on the second attempt. The move gets them a three count and allows them to retain their titles.
After that, the lights go out, and, when they come back up, Kashmere has been taken down by Teddy Hart. GASP! Hart and Trent Acid go at it, with Teddy landing a TKO and a Rude Awakening to set up a corkscrew moonsault. Hart then cuts a lengthy promo that involves a lot of swearing. He hates John Zandig, he hates Rob Feinstein, and his "whole family is dead." Ooo, that last one stung. The whole gist is that he and Jack Evans want the Tag Team Titles.
After that, we get a series of stills from a match between Danny Demanto and New Jack. Jack basically treats Demanto like a modern day Mass Transit, even taking a knife to his forehead. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not professional wrestling.
And now it's New Jack promo time. Well, I may find the style of "wrestling" he does to be appalling, but at least he's usually entertaining on the stick. He shoots on ECW One Night Stand, which is basically a bunch of sour grapes for not being invited to the show. The entire WWE locker room is apparently a group of "cum sucking buttwads" who paid him to stay at home and not hit them over the head with things. Well, there goes my argument about him being entertaining on the stick. Third grade insults generally kill the flow of a promo, after all.
To close the show, Trent Acid and Monsta Mack cut a rather pedestrian promo on Teddy Hart. Then, out of nowhere, we cut back to New Jack, who has found a woman named Alicia. Jack talks for about a minute and a half, informing us all about how he has assembled a group of hookers for a new reality TV show. He's even got crippled hookers and midget hookers who are dressed in all manner of sporting equipment. Meanwhile, poor Alicia stands around and nods her head, looking like she's far too terrified to do anything else.
And that's it. That's the whole show.
Show Thoughts: This episode was quite a bit better than the one I watched for my first review. First of all, it took care of my major complaint in the last review – namely that it showcased footage from a big JAPW live event, thus giving fans a bit more of an accurate read on what the company's product is like. Furthermore, it did so without giving away too much and destroying fans' incentive to attend the events. However, the product still wasn't my cup of tea, as, in watching the two matches shown, I saw one that was far too spotty for its own good and one that was comprised entirely of garbage wrestling, which I happen to loathe. However, New Jack did manage to provide some humorous moments (some of them intentional, some of them not), so it wasn't the worst way that I'd ever killed forty-five minutes. In fact, in talking to people about JAPW Worldwide after my first review, it really seems like the majority of them tune in for wrestlers' promos as opposed to any in-ring action. So, if you like the gabbing, this may well be the show for you.
SHOW NUMBER TWO: Dory Funk's BANG TV Site: http://dory-funk.com What I Said Last Time: . . . as long as Dory and sleeper matches like Paul/Rage keep popping up, I think that !BANG! TV online is well worth the time of our readers. Heck, even if you can't watch the episodes immediately, you can always save them to your hard drive and keep them around for a rainy day.
This Time:
Match Numero Uno: "Big" Mike Hall (c) vs. Murder One for the Funking Conservatory European Championship (Highlights Only)
This is actually a rematch of a bout that took place the first time I reviewed BANG TV. At that point, Hall didn't look like he was ready for prime time. Hopefully a few more months of experience has been kind to him. He starts off by unloading on Murder One with some punches in the corner to start and then gets a back elbow and a shoulderblock. We clip ahead a bit, and Mike takes his man down with a big boot before dropping a leg for two. One then takes over through the magic of clipping, and he goes to the eyes when Hall shows life with some punches. A pair of running knees is next for the challenger, and then he rakes Hall's face with his boot. A slam and a fistdrop follow, with a side slam setting up the next nearfall. Murder then goes to the top rope, but Hall manages to crotch him and then hits the Ace Crusher for two. Then, with the referee distracted by nothing in particular, Murder One gets a low blow and his own Ace Crusher to win the title, with 3:36 of highlights being shown. All of the spots that we were shown looked decent, but the biggest problem in the last match between the two guys was getting a cohesive flow together, so I can't really say whether they've improved or not.
Match Numero Dos: Blain Rage vs. "English Prince" Reece Royale w/ Missy Hyatt for the Funking Conservatory International Championship
Rage was also on the last show I checked out, and he was probably one of the more impressive Funk students. Royale, meanwhile, has come over from Britain and will be wrestling his first match in the United States. Missy Hyatt, meanwhile, continues her downward spiral relatively intervention-free. She's got a Jack Russell terrier with her, though, and that makes up for it. Royale applies a headlock to start, but Rage is out quickly and hits a pair of hiptosses, followed by a dropkick. Reece bails to confer with his manager, and he goes back to the headlock when he's back on the inside. Once again, Blain gets out and hits a pair of hiptoesses followed by a dropkick. That's why you don't try something again when it didn't work the first time. Royale goes for the headlock AGAIN, with Rage getting a drop toe hold out of it this time and then applying a brief submission hold. Royale then runs in to a headscissors after a bit of rope running, and Rage follows up by applying an armbar. The two men trade reversals of that hold, and then the champ gets another drop toe hold before dropkicking his opponent in the face.
Seeing that her man is at a disadvantage, Hyatt grabs Rage's leg (while still holding the dog with her free arm) so that Royale can hit a running kneelift, which he follows up with the legdrop. The Prince then slaps on a front chancre and works it for a little bit before taking his opponent down with a headscissors. The blatant choke is up next, and Missy throws in a slap just for fun. Then, with Royale distracting the referee, Missy chokes Rage on the ropes and pretends that her puppy is doing it. That, my friends, is some great creative cheating. Reece then gets a dropkick, but he's caught by Rage, who wants to hit what looks like a version of the Vertebreaker. The Prince blocks it and gets an Ace Crusher, though the move only gets two. The challenger then tries to lift the champ up for a vertical suplex, but Rage reverses that and hits an Ace Crusher of his own, which he follows up with a lariat. Rage looks for a second, only to have Royale duck and attempt another Ace Crusher. Rage shoves him off, however, and he hits what looks like a facejam out of the Vertebreaker position for a three count. The whole match took 7:29.
Match Thoughts: The last time I checked out BANG, Blain Rage appeared to be the best of Funk's current crop of students, and he once again looked very strong. The kid is quite quick, moves around the ring as though it were second nature, and has decent enough offense. He's got a very good look for a smaller wrestler too, so I wouldn't be surprised to see him eventually get some kind of shot with WWE in their cruiserweight division. (Hell, if Mikey Batts can do it, why not?) From the commentary, it sounds like Royale had much less experience than his opponent, but he looked good if you take that fact in to consideration. Though this wouldn't be too great on a pay per view, it was a solid bout that wouldn't be out of place on a major wrestling organization's weekly television program. *1/2
Match Numero Tres: The Great White Butcher & Rich O' Reily vs. "Jackknife" Ben Guest & Big Bank Barfield
If I'm not mistaken, all four of these guys are Funk trainees. Guest and Barfield are a much smaller team and are in much better shape, while the Butcher is a massively obese young man who probably would have been a huge attraction twenty-five years ago. O' Reily is a bigger guy but looks more like a fan who hopped the rail than he does an actual wrestler. Oddly enough, the worse looking team winds up doing the much better job in this one, which just goes to show that physique isn't everything in wrestling.
O' Reily starts with Guest, and he does a bunch of headlocks and hammerlocks before getting a schoolboy for two. A shoulderblock and a hiptoss are next, but Guest comes back with some forearms and a series of shoulders in the corner. Barfield tags in at this point and lands a vertical suplex before dropping the leg for a two count. Big Bank follows up with a corner lariat, which also gets a nearfall. We then get a tag to Jackknife, who hits a hiptoss and then applies a Boston crab in the center of the ring. The Butcher runs in to break up the hold, however, getting in a shot to Guest's throat. Guest keeps the advantage, though, choking his man and then tagging in Barfield for a double clothesline. Triple B then heads to the top rope, but O' Reily cuts him off, causing Barfield to take the Flair bump before eating a big splash from O' Reily.
That sets up a tag to the Butcher, who drops an elbow on Barfield and gets in a double thrust to the throat. Big Bank briefly gets the advantage by kicking Whitie's legs out from underneath him, and there's a tag to Guest. He doesn't get much done before O' Reily is brought back in to the ring, and he manages to clothesline Ben for two. Guest gets a low blow while the referee is distracted, however, and then he comes off of the second rope with a double sledge on the prone O' Reily. Barfield then reinserts himself in to the match and absolutely BLOWS a suplex, which he follows up by absolutely BLOWING a bodyslam. Barfield then goes up to the second rope, where he (intentionally) misses an elbow. That sets up a tag to the Butcher, who takes down both of his opponents with a double clothesline. O' Reily then stacks the heels on top of each other, and Butcher comes off of the ropes with a splash on both of them to win the match in 7:28.
Match Thoughts: This was a very blah match. Everything that the guys did was right out of the first week of wrestling school . . . which, as far as I know, is where they actually were in the training process. Kick, choke, punch, legdrop, lather, rinse, repeat. It would have been just an average, unoffensive, bland little encounter, but then Barfield just had to go and screw up that suplex and that slam. I can't get behind any match in which things that simple are being blown. DUD
We then get highlights from a Dory Funk vs. Carlos Colon match that took place earlier this year. In fact, it's one of the matches I covered in my initial review of BANG TV. There's controversy involving Colon's daughter Stacy and Dory's wife Marti at ringside, and all of the involvement from the seconds has set up the next match on this show.
Match Numero Cuatro: Johnny Magnum & Dory Funk, Jr. (c) vs. Carlos & Eddie Colon for the Funking Conservatory Tag Team Championship
The players: We all know who Dory Funk is. Johnny Magnum is Dory's favorite student and therefore the ace of this little promotion, even holding its Heavyweight Championship. Carlos Colon, for the uneducated, is a legendary wrestler in his native Puerto Rico, and Eddie has inherited that status, as well as his father's propensity for winning the World Wrestling Council Universal Title every other week. They are the father and brother (respectively) of everybody's favorite apple chewer, Carlito Carribean Cool.
Funk and the elder Colon start, and Carlos slaps on an armbar, which lasts for quite some time. He follows up with some open hand chops in the corner, but Funk fights back with some forearms and gets the tag to Magnum. He also falls victim to Carlos' armbar, and then Eddie gets introduced in to the match. He also works the arm, but Johnny reverses it effortlessly. Colon makes the ropes, however, and then he gets in a headlock takedown. Magnum reverses in to a headscissors, but Eddie kips out of that . . . only to be caught in a headlock seconds later. They go back and forth with the headlock/headscissors exchange a couple more times, and then Magnum comes down on his opponent with a big lariat.
Papa Colon gets tagged in at this point, as does Dory. The old rivals lock up, leading to a headlock and a couple of fists to the head by Carlos. That brings Eddie back in for a few rights, but he gets met by Dory's EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS and gets knocked down. Colon gets a front chancre in, however, and then he brings his daddy back in to the match. Chops and forearms are exchanged once more, and that sequence ends with Colon mule kicks his man low and rakes Dory's face with his boots. Eddie then gets the tag and comes off of the top with a double sledge. He applies the armbar one more time, but Funk just repeatedly SMASHES him in the face with forearms in an effort to escape. He eventually gets free, but a waistlock by Eddie and a distraction by Carlos prevent the referee from seeing the tag.
Eddie pounds away a bit more and then goes back to the front chancre, but Funk shoves him in to the corner and hits even more forearms in order to set up a big piledriver. Naturally, that sets up the hot tag, and Magnum knocks down Eddie with a back eblow and a hiptoss. Carlos then tags in, and he eats a lariat en route to a double noggin knocker. At this point, things degenerate in to a four way brawl, and the Colon family gets whipped in to one another. Funk and Colon wind up being left alone in the ring, and Dory gets in the spinning toehold after a couple more forearms, but Eddie sneaks up behind him with a dropkick. The momentum from the dropkick allows Carlos to roll through the toehold and catch Dory off guard with a small package, thus taking the Tag Titles to Puerto Rico in 11:08.
Match Thoughts: Generally I'm a big Funk mark, even in his older, more worn down form. So, as long as I get to watch him jack a few people in the face, I'll never been completely disappointed with one of Dory's matches. However, the rest of the bout really wasn't that great. The two teams did execute a good application of your standard tag team psychology, but I've seen that so many times that I always want a little something more, especially a from a match involving a couple of veterans who have seen and done almost everything in this business. I will say that the finish worked out quite nicely, though, creating a situation in which the Colons cheated just enough to get over as heels but not quite enough that they looked as though they weren't competent enough to be champions. *1/4
Match Numero Cinco: The Claw vs. Lexie Fyfe for the vacant Funking Conservatory Women's Championship with Missy Hyatt as the guest referee
I know that Kent usually handles the American joshi around these parts, but I don't think that he'll mind if I share the love. Claw was trained by Funk from the ground up, though she generally referees at his shows as opposed to wrestling since apparently there are shockingly few female wrestlers who frequent Ocala, Florida. Fyfe has been all over the country these past couple of years, and she was the NWA Women's Champion at the time this match was taped. That title, however, is not on the line.
Fyfe ambushes her opponent to start, but she misses a clothesline and gets taken down with one as well. Claw follows up with a hiptoss and some strikes to the back of the head before applying an armbar. Claw lets go for no good reason, and then the two ladies take turns chopping each other in the corner. Lexie goes to the eyes to reverse the flow of the match and then hits a back elbow for two. A snap mare is next for the NWA Champ, and then she applies a double chicken wing before falling back in to a move that almost looks like a full nelson applied with the legs. Fyfe follows it up with a backbreaker before stretching out her opponent's back across the knee. A series of shoulders to that same area follows, and then a Boston crab is utilized. Claw manages to power out of that and slap on an armbar, but Fyfe sweeps her legs out from under her and then puts on an inverted Figure Four. A series of rolling vertical suplexes is next, but Claw blocks the last of the series and gets a DDT. Claw looks for the pin off of that, but Hyatt is paying absolutely no attention to the match. Fyfe takes advantage with some strikes at this point, but she misses an elbow off of the second rope. That sets up the Oklahoma roll, which ALSO won't work because Hyatt is distracted. At this point, Eddie Colon interjects himself, pulling the Claw out of the ring and nailing her with a couple of shots. That allows Fyfe to get the pin at 6:51. However, a second referee tells the distracted Hyatt what has happened, forcing her to reverse the decision and give the title to the Claw.
Colon further assaults Claw after the title is awarded to her, but Dory Funk makes the save. That sets up a huge brawl with both of the Colons, Johnny Magnum, The Great White Butcher, and Murder One all making their presence felt. Team BANG eventually wins the war, capped off by a Butcher splash on Lexie Fyfe . . . if the definition of splash has been changed to "falling down on your knees and then hovering slightly above your opponent's chest."
Match Thoughts: Yeah, this wasn't too great, despite the good reviews that I have read of Fyfe's work in the past. I did like the fact that she had a variety of painful looking submission holds at her disposal, but all of her other offense seemed to be fairly sloppy, particularly the series of corner shoulderblocks that she tried to throw. I don't know if it was an off night or if that's her normal style, but the answer to that question still doesn't change the rating of this one. Meanwhile the Claw didn't do nearly as much in terms of offense, but what she did do was very well executed, particularly the DDT that she got her fist visionary pinfall with. The Oklahoma roll wasn't bad either, come to think of it. Of course, with all of this talking that I'm doing about the offense, you can guess that there wasn't much in the way of an internal storyline to the bout or much psychology involved, but that's to be expected of a seven minute women's indy match. Overall I'll call this one 3/4*
Show Thoughts: Despite getting high marks the last time around, Funk's boys (and girls) weren't nearly as impressive after a second viewing. A lot of them are still inexperienced. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but it still doesn't create a show that I want to watch on a regular basis. However, BANG still has a few things to offer. First of all, I'm really digging this Blain Rage kid, and I think that he could really be something on the indy scene. Given his size, he'd either have to work a few more highspots or strong style strikes in to his repertoire, but he's just a few steps away from being a breakout performer. If anybody reading this books an indy promotion, try to hunt down his cell number. Furthermore, though what I reviewed here was a complete show, Funk and company have actually started posting individual matches online more often than doing complete cards. These matches not only include current bouts from the Funkin' Conservatory, but they also include a few historical oddities, including a very early Lita match and even a couple of clips from the Funker's heyday. So, though a full show can get a bit tedious, there is good stuff to be found if you pick and choose.
Overall
Well, it looks like round one of our competition is a bit of a wash. JAPW provided next to no actual wrestling content, while BANG TV provided wrestling content, although it wasn't very good. I suppose that leads to BANG winning by default in Round One, but things are still wide open for one of the two shows that I look at next week to claim the top spot. Be sure to check it out, as I'll be subjecting World-1 Wrestling and AWA New Jersey to the strictest of scrutiny. I'll see you all then.
