Cheap Wrestling For Cheap People 12.15.05: The Holiday Shopping Guide (Part 3)
Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.15.2005
For the first time ever, Cheap Wrestling brings the LUCHA!
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. I'm your party host, Ryan Byers. Before we get going with the column proper, I just wanted to thank everybody who e-mailed me with feedback on by guest spot with the NAES Report last week. It was the largest amount of e-mail that I've gotten in quite some time, and it was good hear what people thought of my debut as a "reporter."
This week in Cheap Wrestling, we've got part three of the Holiday Shopping Guide. The concept is simple. In an effort to help you buy presents for all of your favorite wrestling fans, I've gathered up three items that together cost under $30. Two weeks ago, I made sure that indy wrestling fans would wake up happy on Christmas morning. Last week, I guaranteed that no classic wrestling fan would be disappointed with his Chanukah haul. This week, it's Feliz Navidad for lucha libre fans.
Item Number One: Micro Icons: Mexican Wrestlers Cost:: $1.88 Available At:: KayBee Toys (official site here)
Micro Icons is a line of 1" plastic figurines that are surprisingly detailed and well painted. They've devoted part of their line to producing little luchadores, which make a fun decoration for any wrestling fan's home office or bedroom. Though the figures do not depict actual wrestlers, the characters that the toy makers have come up with capture the colorful spirit and eccentric personalities of lucha libre. The best part? The Micro Icons all come with small magnets imbedded in their feet, which makes displaying them even easier. I've currently got a deathmatch between El Torta and Malengos going on atop my refrigerator door. There are twelve Mexican wrestlers in the Micro Icons series, so it should be fun to collect them all.
Item Number Two: Lucha Pendants Cost:: $9.99 Available At:: http://www.highspots.com
Online wrestling retailers Highspots have imported these fabulous pendants straight from Mexico. Each pendant depicts the mask of a great luchadore, ranging from the legends of yesteryear to the stars of today. There are fifteen designs in total, ranging from El Santo to Psicosis. If you like wrestling so much that you're willing to wear it around your neck, don't turn this one down.
Item Number Three: Desparados del Ring: Volume 1 Cost::$8.96 Available At:: http://www.deepdiscountdvd.com
Desparados del Ring is a three DVD series of lucha libre action hosted by your good friend and mine, former WCW TV Champion and current TNA shoe thrower Konnan. K-Dawg is here to introduce us to some matches from south of border, which is where he got his start in wrestling. He's also providing commentary on all of the bouts, though it is in Spanish. Fortunately, even though I don't speak Espanol fluently, I know just enough to get through a review of a lucha DVD. Onward!
Before we start, I figured that I better lay out the rules of lucha libre just in case there's anybody reading this who isn't familiar with it. As you learned in WCW, the majority of the matches are three on three instead of one on one. The traditional tag rules are relaxed when compared to American matches. (And that's saying something these days.) In trios matches and some four man tags, one man from each team is designated as the captain. There are three falls in each match, and a fall can be won by either pinning the captain/making him submit or by pinning the other two members of the team/making them submit. Low blows (aka "fouls") and piledrivers are automatic disqualifications, and the latter move is traditionally sold like a potential career-ender.
Match Number One: Rey Misterio, Jr. & Torrero vs. Jerry Estrada & Negro Azteca
The rudos are in control to start, double teaming Misterio in the ring and batting Torrero away with a hubcap every time he gets too close to the action. When Torrero finally gets in the ring, Estrada distracts him while Azteca whacks Misterio with a chair. God, this guy's a useless partner. T-Money continues to do his team no good, as he's punked out with the hubcap and tossed out of the ring. The rudos then whip Rey Rey in to the car part, and we're back to where we were at the beginning of the match. Eventually Misterio is able to bail out of the ring, and he and Torrero get a second to regroup. Everybody stands around for a while, and then the bad guys grab Misterio and throw him back in to the ring for more chairshots. What does Torrero do? You got it, jack shit. Rey is then put in to the tree of woe and copiously stomped and stretched. Estrada follows up by coming off the top rope with a flying stomp on to Rey, and Torerro gets in to the ring after literally two minutes of doing nothing. What does he do when he gets there? He's put in a Boston crab while Rey is stuck in a Gory Special. They both submit to give the first fall the bad guys.
The second fall is apparently Torrero's turn to take the bumps for his team, as Azteca and Estrada are now kicking him around the ring. Remember that scene in Family Guy where Brian talks the blind guy through The Blair Witch Project? That's what I feel like here. "Nothing's happening . . . nothing's happening . . . okay now Rey got hit by a chair . . . nothing's happening." The chair is also closed repeatedly on the little man's leg, which is probably the most high impact spot of the match thusfar. Now Torrero's back in the ring, and he actually starts to make a COMEBACK~! It only took him ten minutes. He tosses Azteca from the ring, and Rey whacks him with a chair. That frees up Torrero to get a pinfall on Estrada with a rana, evening up the falls at one apiece.
Fall three starts off with Estrada cowering in the corner as Misterio threatens him with a chair. The referee talks Rey out of doing anything nasty, though. Things progress to the floor, where everybody punches everybody else for a little bit before we head back to the ring. Torrero then disappears again, allowing the bad guys to choke Misterio in the ropes. Estrada hangs Misterio off the ring apron so that Azteca can leap down with a clubbing blow to Junior's midsection. After that, Azteca and Estrada take turns jumping off the ropes and on to Misterio while the other man holds him. The heels eventually get a little too cocky and let Torerro in . . . but he crumples as soon as he eats one punch. A double axe handle from Estrada is next, and then Torrero finds himself kicked out of the ring and military pressed in to the crowd! Okay, that was a bit cool. With Torerro disposed of yet again, Estrada once again takes the chair to Rey's leg, wrapping it around the knee and standing on it. That causes the referee to award the third fall, and thus the match, to the technicos via disqualification.
Match Thoughts: I've seen a lot of Rey Misterio matches in my day, and I never thought that I'd actually be able to describe one of them as boring. This certainly fit that bill, though. It was nothing but fifteen minutes of heel beatdown and two scattered minutes of babyface comeback. Hell, the beatdown wasn't even that exciting, as there was nothing but a bunch of weapon shots and fairly weak looking punches. Plus, with the good guys winning by an out-of-nowhere disqualification as opposed to pinfall or submission, there wasn't even a payoff to the ridiculously boring heat sequence. Lame. -1/4*
Match Number Two: Super Calo, Leon Negro, & Ruben Ruiz, Jr. vs. Halloween, Pandillero 1, & Pandillero 2.
FORMER WCW "STAR" ALERT – Yes, Super Calo is the same guy that was a part of the WCW roster during the Monday Night Wars. Halloween was there as well, though he used the name Ciclope as opposed to wearing the pumpkin-themed mask that he has on now. Later in the 90's, he appeared (sans mask) for Rob Black's XPW, teaming with Damien 666 as half of the tag team Mexico's Most Wanted.
We've got a huge cluster to start, with the rudos dominating. Eventually Ruiz and Calo are tossed, leaving the mean team with Leon Negro. They hit a version of the Hart Attack on him, and then the other two technicos run back in for some more brawling. The Pandilleros take care of Ruiz and Calo, tossing them while Halloween hits a bodyslam on Negro for a three count. The Pandilleros then pin the other two members of the face team to take the first fall. Everybody's finally gotten tot heir respective corners when the second fall starts, and Negro is still getting killed by the bad guys. He gets a facebuster off of a missed Halloween lariat, though, and then the good guys run in for the kill. There's a Negro backbreaker for pumpkin head, and now the faces dominate in a pier sixer. Calo drops a series of elbows on a Pandillero, and that guy's in some trouble.
Ruiz and the other Panderillo then take to the ring, and Ruiz gets in a couple of headscissors and an armdrag. Then it's Halloween and Negro's turn, with Negro scoring a cross body from the top rope and another backbreaker. That allows the tag to an Panderillo, who gets to mix it up with Calo. The rapper trips him up and gets an armdrag, which he follows up with a series of kicks and a ropewalk armdrag. The other Panderillo is then in, and he's armdragged as well. The rudos bail, and Calo does an AWESOME dive fake where runs the ropes, stops, and breakdances in center ring. The dancing is over when Halloween comes in and kicks Calo in the chest, but the bad guy's advantage is short lived. The good guys take turns hitting top rope dives on their opponents, which they follow up by a series of splashes. They then try to do a dogpile pin (which includes one of the referees), but the other ref refuses to count it.
A Panderillo and Negro then go at it, and there's yet another backbreaker from Leon. The Panderillo takes a MAN SIZE bump at that point, getting his legs swept out from under him and flying out of the ring between the ropes and hitting the hard ground below. We clip ahead for some reason at this point, and Halloween is going after the mask of Leon Negro. That never seems to end well. In fact, the bad guys are just generally dominating a big fight right now, and it culminates with a slingshot senton by one of the Panderillos on to Ruiz. Halloween then DDTs Junior on a chair, and the poor kid is further destroyed with the furniture. Calo tries to be a big man and make the save, but he gets CLUBBERED! CLUBBERED BAH GOD, TONY, THEY BE CLUBBERIN' IN MONTERREY! Things eventually settle down to the point where it's Negro and Halloween in there alone, with Leon applying an abdominal stretch. The Panderillos save, and, Christ, here comes the three on three brawl again. Calo and Ruiz take the rudos out with some double team offense and then hit stereo tope con hilos. Back in the ring, Negro takes Halloween down with a series of dropkicks, and the heel referee thinks that he saw one go low. That's an immediate disqualification, ending the match regardless of how many falls there have been. Do not pass go, do not go to the pay winda'.
Match Thoughts: If I were rating an American match, I'd be blasting this one all over for its lack of cohesion and storyline. However, when you're watching lucha, you've got to give the bouts a little bit more leeway in that regard. Here, though the "six guys brawling all at once" format got a bit repetitive over the course of the fifteen minute bout, they changed up the combinations enough that it wasn't horribly mind numbing. ON top of that, we got a few great spots, including Calo's fake out and the Panderillo bump out to the ringside area. Not a bad way to kill a quarter of an hour. **
Match Number Three: Psicosis v. Ultraman 2000
FORMER WCW STAR ALERT – Yes, we all know who Psicosis is. In fact, he's got a pay per view match coming up this Sunday that should be pretty entertaining if it's given the right amount of time. Ultraman would be familiar too, if we took off his mask. He's Damien 666, who was briefly in ECW before moving to WCW as Galaxy. Eventually he took off the Galaxy mask and became Damien in WCW as well, before heading to XPW as part of the aforementioned Mexico's Most Wanted.
Psicosis charges to start but gets tripped up and tossed from the ring, where he is hit with a tope con hilo. The two men then go up to the top rope, where Ultraman hits a superplex and a moonsault press to win the first fall in about a minute. Not learning anything from the first fall, Psicosis charges and misses at the beginning of the second as well. He's once again caught by a leg sweep but responds with a palm strike. He attempts to follow up with a running shoulder in to the corner, but Ultraman moves, causing Psi to flying out of the ring and SPLATTER on the floor. Mr. 2000 follows him out with a tope and then tosses Psicosis back in to the ring, but he waits for a bit too long and gets hit with a tope from the rudo. When we go back to the inside, Psicosis dumps his man off of the top rope with a front suplex and botches a top rope clothesline. Ultraman then reverses a powerbomb in to a rana, and the two trade sunset flips in a decent pinfall sequence. Ultra tires of being on the mat and goes up again, but he's armdragged off of the top and pinned, giving fall two to Psicosis.
And, on the third fall, Psicosis ONCE AGAIN charges at his opponent and winds up taking a nasty spill on his ass. Ultra misses a dropkick, though, allowing Psicosis to spin kick him out of the ring. Psi tries to follow it up with a plancha, but Ultraman grabs a chair and WACKS Psicosis with it while he's in mid-air. The chair also gets involved on the inside, as Ultraman hits the Arabian facebuster and goes to the mask. Up next, a ladder gets interjected in to the match, as Psicosis props it up in the corner and uses it for a massive guillotine legdrop . . . FOR TWO! After that, the ladder finds itself propped up against the ropes, and Psicosis looks to whip his man in to it. That's reversed, though, and Psi winds up essentially hitting a cross body block on the ladder and flipping over the top rope with it. God, I'd hate to be this guy's doctor. When he's ready to wrestle again, Psicosis throws a chair in to Ultraman's face and then sets up a table on the floor. That's followed by the ladder being set up . . . MOONSAULT OFF OF THE LADDER! The only problem was that Psicosis missed, catching Ultraman with only his leg and taking a chest-first bup on to the arena floor. Ouch. Psi tries it again, this time with a regular splash, and he's able to put Ultra throught he table. The technico is rolled back in to the ring . . . AND HE KICKS OUT AT TWO! Now we've got a table in the ring, and Ultraman attempts to piledrive his opponent on it. The furniture gives under their weight, though.
So, what can the two men do after that disappointment? Well, Ultraman sets up a third table on the floor, and he powerbombs Psicosis off of the apron . . . WITHOUT THE TABLE BREAKING! Psi recovers a bit too quickly for my tastes and tries to hit Ultraman with a top rope plancha to the floor, but Ultra dodges and allows his opponent to splatter on the concrete yet again. It's back to the ring, where Ultraman tries for a tombstone behind the referee's back, only to be hit in the scrotum in mid-move. Of course, the referee missed it. Psicosis then attempts to head up to the top rope, but we've got a Rey Misterio run-in, as he knocks his long time rival off his perch. Ultraman follows that up with a brainbuster off of the top (and on to two chairs) to FINALLY put Psicosis away.
Match Thoughts: Simply put, Psicosis is insane. This match was insane. There were so many high flying bumps to the floor and table spots that I thought for sure somebody would be leaving the arena in a body bag. Fortunately, it doesn't look like there were any major injuries, as both men were able to stay and complete some post-match promos. Though this match was definitely compelling in the same way that a train wreck is compelling, I can't exactly recommend it on its technical merits. There was next to no selling, so, though the big bumps were impressive, they meant next to nothing by the end of the bout. Top that off with a couple of ugly looking spots, and it's not going to get a high rating. However, if you were a fan of FMW or the work of somebody like Sabu in ECW, you'd probably love this one and should track it down. *3/4
Match Number Four: Konnan & La Parka, & Octagon vs. Psicosis, Pentagon, & Pierroth
FORMER WCW WWF STAR ALERT – Pierroth had a blink-and-you'll-miss-him run as part of the WWF when they were doing a talent exchange with Triple A in the mid-90's. He and partner Cibernetico were a regular tag team for a few months, taking on the likes of the Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon. And, just for the record, this is the original La Parka, not the lame AAA knockoff who I would gladly kill if the real Parka (my lord and master) asked me to do so.
Konnan starts things off with Psicosis, and they take turns working on each other's arms. K-Dawg gets the advantage with a low dropkick and DDT, and here's a couple of tags to Parka and Pierroth. The skeleton confuses his opponent with some dancing and then follows up with some hot dropkicking and armdragging action. Now Pentagon and Octagon take to the ring, and the similarity of their costumes increases the difficult of play by play by roughly 500%. Pentagon tries to hit a springboard splash and misses, and then he's caught by a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and bails. It's back to Psicosis and Konnan after that, and Konnan keeps the armdrags coming before we switch to a Parka/Pentagon pairing. Penty commits a cardinal sin by mocking La Parka's dancing, and that sets up a back elbow. Park isn't taken out of his game for too long, though, as he revers a sunset flip attempt in to more dancing. Psicosis and Pierroth then run in for some triple teaming, but they're completely confused by THE DANCE~! allowing Parka to just walk back to his corner and avoid trouble. With that, all six men are in the ring, and Parka pins Pierroth with a corkscrew moonsault. He must've been the captain, because that gives the good guys the first fall.
Fall two starts off with Psicosis and Octagon, and they do some really quick stuff off of the ropes before Parka and Pentagon tag in. Pentagon repeatedly misses moves in the corner, eventually allowing Parka to hit a backbreaker. Psicosis runs in to the ring, so he eats one as well, and then Pierroth decides to make his presence felt. Parka gouges him in the eye and kicks him in the grill, which leads in to another Pentagon/Octagon pairing. That's thirteen sides for those of you keeping track at home. Pentagon gets a backbreaker, but Octagon's follow-up is cut off by Pierroth, which leads us in to the requisite pier six brawl for the match. Somewhere in there, Pierroth gets a pin on Parka, and Psicosis puts Konnan away with an Arabian facebuster from the top rope. Naturally, that gives the second fall to the rudos.
We're still brawling at the top of fall three, and the camera is catching next to none of it. When the luchadores start getting back in to the ring Pierroth somehow pins Konnan, presumably due to something unethical done on the outside of the ring. None of the other rudos manage to pin any of their opponents, though, which means we don't have an end to the fall. There's a ton of brawling as the match continues. It's literally about eight minutes of fighting with the camera catching nothing of note. When the wrestlers finally get back in to the ring, the bad guys foul Octagon and Parka. They think it's behind the referee's back, but he catches it and disqualifies the bad guys. That means Konnan and company win.
The babyfaces get to do an extended beatdown after the match, being assisted by a luchadore in bootleg Wolverine costume. That's Wolverine as in the X-Men, not Wolverine as in Chris Benoit.
Match Thoughts: Well, there was some fun stuff up front with La Parka's gimmick, but I can't fairly rate this match given that the cameras missed several crucial moments. It could have been good. It could have sucked. We'll never really know for sure.
Match Number Five: Rey Misterio, Jr. vs. Juventud Guerrera
Rey Rey catches his man with a quick armdrag to start, and then they go to the mat with a weak variation of the STF being applied. Misterio turns that in to a reverse chinlock and sunset flips his opponent when it looks like he's going to escape. It only gets two, as does a school boy from Juventud. Rey then goes back to the leg and slaps on a leglock as it suddenly dons on me how odd it is to see Juvi with a mask back on after all these years. Eventually the two transition in to a bridge spot, with Misterio bridging and Juvi repeatedly jumping on his ribs. A wheelbarrow armdrag is next from Rey, and then the duo stares each other down for a bit. Misterio goes to another unique submission hold, which he turns in to a pinning combination for two. Guerrera responds by catching his man with la majistral, but that's only good enough for a nearfall. A series of chops then sets up a couple of flying headscissors from Rey Rey, but Juvi turns a third in to a powerbomb, which allows him to score a pin and win the first fall.
Fall two starts off with plenty of rope running, culminating in a satellite rana from Rey, followed up by a top rope version that sends Juventud out of the ring. Misterio takes that opportunity to hit a flipping dive before following up on the inside with a top rope huricanrana to win fall two. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we're once again tied at one all. The final fall begins with Juvi dominating, hitting a brianbuster and getting a two count. Fun fact: The Spanish word for "brainbuster" is apparently "brainbuster." Guerrera then slaps on a headcissors and cranks it, as it suddenly dons on me how odd it is to see Rey off of steroids after all these years. When the hold is broken, Junior takes control by ramming Juvi's head in to the turnbuckles and hitting him with a spinning heel kick. An abdominal stretch variant is next for Rey, and the referee breaks it up because Misterio was inadvertently choking his man. Undeterred, Rey goes back to work and kicks Juventud out of the ring so that he can land an Asai moonsault. When the two head back to the squared circle, it's Juventud who is in control, landing a front slam but missing a frog splash. He stays on top of his man with a pair of backbreakers, though. Unfortunately for Juvi, the third gets reversed in to yet another headscissors, and that gives the victory to Rey Rey.
Match Thoughts: These two have put on some great matches against each other, though this was not one of them. Though the two men did display some quality mat wrestling that not a lot of their American fans are aware that they know how to do, that mat wrestling didn't really go anywhere. Yeah, they managed to work in a couple of headscissors spots here and there, but the two guys were really still developing their styles at this point. They'd go on to become masters of building using a slow build and then paying it off with some trademark aerial artistry. This particular encounter was interesting to watch in terms of how the competitors would later evolve, but it didn't do much for me when standing alone. *1/2
Match Number Six: Mil Mascaras vs. El Canek
Mil Mascaras made his wrestling debut in 1965. Canek made his debut in the 1970's. Judging by how low Mil's pecs are sagging and the "WHAT?" t-shirt on the guy in the front row, this match is taking place sometime after 2001. That means Mil is sixty, give or take two years. Take that, Ric Flair.
The two men start with some mat work, as Mascaras works the arm and takes his man over with a hiptoss. More arm work follows, with Canek trying to monkey flip out of an armbar. That doesn't work, as Mascaras holds on and keeps cranking on the limb. Canek is finally able to slip out of his man's hold, getting a rollup for a two count. The two then head in to a Greco-Roman knuckle lock, which Mascaras also controls. Mil then goes to the arm again. Canek tries to use a bodyslam to get his opponent off of him, but his counter-wrestling fails again, as Mascaras rolls through and stays on the arm. When Canek finally gets an advantage, it's with the abdominal stretch. It's also incredibly brief, as Mascaras reverses the hold in to one of his own and then falls back in to a pinning combination for one. Canek hits a slam and goes up to the second rope, but he winds up taking the Flair bump off before being caught with a top rope cross body from Mil. Canek kicks out at two and tears at his opponent's face in the corner. The referee tries to pull Canek off and winds up getting bumped for his efforts. At that point, all hell breaks loose, as Canek takes Mascaras out in to the audience and wacks him with a chair. The referee calls the match at this point, stating that we've got ourselves a draw. Canek doesn't care for that ruling, so he punches out the referee post-match.
Match Thoughts: Given the limitations that age placed on these two men, it wound up being a pretty fun short bout. The two put together a fun series of counters on the mat and worked in a few highspots that wouldn't break their hips. You can't expect much from a matchup like this one, but it's always pleasantly surprising when you get a bit more than you expected. It was a little bit odd that Mascaras got 80% of the offense while Canek just got tossed around the ring, but who am I to criticize two guys with this much experience? *
Final Thoughts
Number of Matches: 6 Highest Star Rating: ** Lowest Star Rating: -1/4* Average Star Rating (ratable matches only): *1/4
Though it's not the best Cheap Wrestling that I've ever reviewed, I'm glad to see the Desperados series available on the US market. Despite the fact that lucha is getting very popular in areas around the Mexican border, it seems like there is a severe drought of it on the home video market. Even when it's not the best lucha libre in the world, watching lucha libre is always a welcome break from the American and Japanese brands of wrestling, as it's unique enough to be something different yet not so odd as to completely turn off outsiders. So, if you're looking to satisfy a wrestling fan who may want to try something different, Desperados del Ring would be a good addition to your holiday shopping list, as would any of our featured items this week.
