The Wrestling News Experience: 12.19.05
Posted by Stephen Randle on 12.19.2005
I don’t want to say Orton choked, but I hear Luger sent condolences.
Okay, I lied. I live to say that Orton choked.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the place where Christmas spirit isn’t just a marketing scheme, it’s a cynical joke. I’m Stephen Randle, and if you haven’t seen Chronicles of Narnia yet, then you haven’t seen fantasy involving smarmy British children the way it was meant to be. Harry Potter can kiss my ass.
But perhaps you’d like wrestling-related news instead. Too bad.
I’m just kidding. A wrestling news column that didn’t focus on wrestling? What kind of idiot would try and do that?
Let’s go.
PPV in Review – WWE Armageddon 2005
The 411 staff tore the booking to shreds beforehand, let’s see how it all turned out. Larry had the live coverage, because he had the least to live for.
JBL defeated Matt Hardy by pinfall with the Clothesline From Hell - Um…not quite sure what to say about this. It was a match. It could have happened on Smackdown for how important it was. I’m sure it was a decent little short match, but…
MNM defeated the Mexicools by pinfall with the Snapshot - A match that went from intriguing to meaning nothing in the space of one title loss. Well, that’s two in a row for matches that mean nothing, let’s move on.
Chris Benoit defeated Booker T by submission with the Crossface (Booker leads Best of Seven series 3-1) - So, I guess this series will be wrapping up at the Rumble, and making a few people a lot less nervous about Benoit’s future. Seemed a bit better than their previous matches, as one would hope. And Benoit has stolen Eddie’s Three Amigos, so that’s cool.
The Boogeyman beats up Nunzio and Vito (who was dressed as Santa) - Only included so I can annoy JT by saying that the Boogeyman is AWESOME~! Also, it’s impossible for JT to hate him like I hate Dorkboy, because Boogeyman is a midcard comedy act that you don’t really have to pay attention to, while Dorkboy is an overpushed “Golden Boy” who we’ve been told that we will have in our main event whether we like it or not. If The Boogeyman annoys me, it’s one segment. When Dorkboy annoys me, it just keeps going all night long.
Bobby Lashley defeated William Regal and Paul Burchill by pinfall with the Dominator - I’m calling Lashley to get the Diesel push at Rumble. I want that in writing so when it happens, I can receive all those accolades that psychic people get.
Tim White, former WWE referee and owner of The Friendly Tap, “commits suicide” after relating his experience in Hell in a Cell - Well, he’s not coming back. Okay, but really, how stupid was this idea?
Kid Kash defeated Juventud via pinfall with the Brainbuster to win the WWE Cruiserweight title - And off we go again, pushing another newcomer to the cruiser division for a couple months, or until someone newer debuts. And then the cycle will begin again. As it was in the beginning, so shall it be, now and forever. But at least it sounds like they let them work a semi-cruiser-style match, so that’s something.
Kane and Big Show defeated Rey Mysterio and Batista by pinfall with the Chokeslam - Ha! I so called this happening! Now, Dorkboy comes up to Batista on Smackdown and says that he won at Armageddon, while Batista lost, and presto, we’ve got our long-dreaded (or, for the mentally challenged people who still like Randy Orton, long-awaited) feud off to the races.
The Undertaker defeated Randy Orton by pinfall with the Tombstone in Hell in a Cell - Okay, so I called it, and it made sense. And then this happened and…hey, Dorkboy lost! I can dance with glee! Yes, I’m petty, didn’t you know that by now?
Well, it sounded like if you missed it, you didn’t miss much. Don’t worry, New Year’s Revolution is only three weeks away anyway, so you’ll never hear about Armageddon ever again. Until next year.
Around The Horn
There was no official or unofficial word at showtime, but it seems that Armageddon tickets were readily available. Like, extremely, extremely available. So available that if they took human form, they’d probably be mistaken for Steve Cook on a Friday night. But seriously, folks…
Okay, that was almost excessively cruel. That’s why it was so funny.
And Chris Jericho is messing with the Internet again, suggesting on his website that he might be the next Raw GM. Next week, expect Jericho to throw his hat in the ring for governor of California. Which would be cool, if only to hear him deliberately mispronounce “Schwartzenegger”.
Latest word is that WWE Creative actually “has nothing for” Eric Bischoff’s character at the moment, and there’s a possibility that he may be done with WWE. You just know Vince has waited for the day where he can call Bisch into his office and fire him. It’ll probably make him so happy, he’ll have to force himself to keep both hands above the desk.
No, I’m not explaining that one. Figure it out for yourself, or ask your parents.
Tatanka has been scheduled for a WWE house show on December 28 in Pittsburgh, teaming with Shelton Benjamin against Coach and Carlito. Buffalo.
Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on? Is there really a spot for Tatanka in WWE? Or has it just been an acceptable amount of time since we debuted our last racial stereotype gimmick, and he was available cheap? Actually, I know the answer, I’m just trying to make you think.
Speaking of which, was that whole thing involving Smackdown having a junior division full of midget wrestlers just a bad dream I had one day? Because I haven’t seen them on TV for…I don’t know how long, so I was starting to believe it wasn’t true. Not that I’m complaining, but if I’m hallucinating wrestling angles, I’d like to know now.
There will be another Hogan DVD released by WWE this April, on the heels of the Hulk Still Rules DVD released…um…I don’t know. Look it up on Amazon or something. There was news value in this, I’m sure of it, but I just can’t find it.
And before I leave this segment, it’s been reported that OVW wrestler and former Tough Enough winner Matt Cappotelli is suffering from a brain tumor, and tests are underway to discover its severity. 411’s thoughts are with Matt and his family and friends at this time.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 12.20.04, and I was engaged in what has become something of a secondary hobby to many Internet writers, mocking Brock Lesnar. Come on, it’s not like the guy didn’t deserve it. Granted, the holidays are supposed to be a time of peace and love, but really, this guy gave me so much material over the last couple years. It’s like Christmas every week that his name pops up in the news. So thank you, Santa Brock.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 12.12.05
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Christopher Nowinski, RAW, out indefinitely (post-concussion syndrome)
- Edge, RAW, out indefinitely (torn pectoral)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Eugene, RAW, suspended indefinitely as of November 19 (drug rehab)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Mark Henry, RAW, out indefinitely as of January 2, 2004 (shoulder)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20
- RVD, RAW, out until January 2006 (knee surgery)
Transactions
- Christopher Nowinski, RAW, made special appearance on Raw
I knew if I kept him on the list long enough, it would pay off! Well, okay I didn’t, but still, there he was.
- Jamie Noble, SD!, returned to action on Velocity
I’m a little shocked that Noble didn’t get a more consistent push outside of his initial debut all those years ago. After all, he practically represents half of WWE’s demographic. That’s right, I’m making redneck jokes now. I’m like Jeff Foxworthy without the TV show. And before you get upset, yes, I am a redneck, so I’m allowed to make fun.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Cook has his last edition of the Sunday news, and now appears on Thursdays. It was as far away from me as I could afford to bribe Larry to move him.
Boman begins his tour of duty as our new Saturday news guy, and also writes The Pin is Mightier on the same day.
Fried has Velocity with Jamie Noble’s return to action, and also the return of Doug Basham. Okay, the second one might not be as interesting, but I’m sure he’s got fan.
The Gab Bag
Couple short notes filling the bag this week.
Jeremy offers for my consideration the Moonpie homepage. What an age we live in.
Chad Smith points out that I forgot to take Torrie Wilson off the injury list. It’s an easy mistake to make since nobody cares about Torrie Wilson. Fortunately, no one noticed that I slipped on the date of the Afghanistan Raw airing, as obviously it did not air last Monday. And I got away with it. That’s right, accept every word I have to say, minions!
And 411 writer John Meehan thanked me for pimping his excellent column on John Cena. That’s right, I’m so good that every single 411 writer reads me.
And One To Go On
Happy trails to the Austin to my Rock, Michael Melchor, as his latest foray into Wrestling has come to an unfortunate end due to a wide range of other commitments. Seems that he could still manage a wrestling column with five kids, but that sixth one, it’s a killer. Which is my way of saying congrats. You can still find Melchor in the Music Zone on a daily basis, and I suggest you do so. Well, it’s not so much a suggestion as a command.
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight, and Dunn will have the Rawtopsy. Larry will be in tomorrow, and I’ll be back the day after Christmas. In Canada, we call it Boxing Day. No, it doesn’t make any sense. Shut up.
