The 8-Ball 11.13.13: Top 8 Ways to Save Dolph Ziggler

If we’re to believe the latest rumors, Dolph Ziggler’s recent demotion to the aimless portion of the midcard is the result of WWE officials thinking his attitude sucks. How dare the soap opera behind the scenes take over from the scripted, testosterone soap opera in front of the cameras.

Yet Dolph’s still there, still one of the best workers they’ve got in the company and still one of the guys they believably can vault into main event picture. They’ve got material to work with in Ziggler. So maybe they’re just teaching him a lesson right now. Or maybe we’re being worked with this little leak and it’s setting up a heel turn.

Thing is, they’ve kicked him down the ladder far enough that they can’t just stick him immediately into WWE or World Heavyweight title matches without some rehabilitation. The E needs to make Dolph matter again. That means it’s time to consult the Magic 8 Ball for what the good folks in Stamford can do to restore Dolph Ziggler as a productive member of professional wrestling society.

8. Go back to being a cool heel

He got over working as a cool heel. Apparently he is a natural cool heel, or so we’re told. Let the man be himself. The upside of being cocky and self-absorbed is you can say or do anything. That filter other people have that prevents them from saying what they really think? #Heel Dolph doesn’t have that and it’s cool. Yet then he says something unpopular and suddenly everybody gets mad at him. He doesn’t need to work as a chickenshit, just be way too full of himself. The man knows how to convey smug arrogance.

Imagine a midcard face is cutting a standard promo in the ring. We’ll call this imaginary face Kofi. Then Dolph comes out and proclaims, “You’re boring everyone in this arena. You’re boring the millions of people watching at home. Most of all you’re boring me. So I’m coming into that ring and I’m going to make you interesting.” We’re all excited because, yay, imminent violence. Yet Dolph’s still a jag-off. More to the point, he’s the jag-off who sometimes makes us happy.

7. Don’t hate on the crowd

I’m not a fan of cheap heat in the first place, but Dolph should be the guy who knows the crowd loves to hate him. Play it like a standup comedian after pushing the envelope a bit too far. Dolph can just roll his eyes at them. “Boo all you want. You know I’m right.” You like him. How couldn’t like him? He’s awesome. More importantly, he won’t be like all the other heels. Stand out, show off.

6. Heel other heels

Heels being allies with heels doesn’t make much sense in the first place. It makes even less sense for an egomaniac. This isn’t a team sport. It also isn’t a Dungeons & Dragons game where all the good guys and evil guys team up to fight one another. Dolph should take advantage over anyone at any time. Plus, sometimes it would allow him to be our egomaniac. Done right, Dolph is a guilty pleasure. Sometimes you’ve got to let fans indulge in that.

5. Hook up with Kaitlyn

She’s hot. She needs something to do. She’s hot. They’d look good together. She’s hot. Power couples work. And she’s hot. Lord knows Kaitlyn could stand to team up with someone who has some mic skills. She’s not talking her way up the card. Dolph would give her some direction, put her in higher profile situations. His upside would be the alpha male rub he gets from the pairing … because he’s with that hot chick. Humans aren’t complicated. Put a guy with a righteous babe and we’ll assume he’s really good at whatever it is he does. Really who wouldn’t take this woman’s seal of approval?

4. #NSFFH – Not Safe For Family Hour

There’s a big chunk of the fan base who don’t like the PG format. While the E won’t be giving those people bloodsport any time soon, there’s no reason it can’t sex things up a bit. I mean, have you seen primetime television lately? It’s all one gigantic sex joke (How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family). The networks have decided people like sex and it’s high time for the WWE to get naughty between the sheets. Make Dolph and Kaitlyn the horny couple. Have someone mistakenly open a broom closet door and there they are, going at it. Hell, have Ron Simmons stumble across them for a DAMN! spot.

Put Dolph into a six-man tag match only to have him and Kaitlyn slip under the ring together. Then have them stay there for half an hour while Jerry Lawler indulges his inner lech, speculating on what might be happening under the stage. When they emerge disheveled and sweaty in the middle of another match Dolph can join in on the commentary while Kaitlyn demands the ringside crew fetch her some water.

Have them get so brazen that they’re banned from the 8-9 hour on Raw and Smackdown. Kayfabe bonus: have Vicki Guerrero be the one who issues the #NSFFH edict. Is it a ripoff of Edge and Lita and the whole R-Rated Superstar gimmick? Yes. That was a great gimmick and it’s begging to be ripped off. Give them a racy subreddit while you’re at it. It’s about time we some more sex with our violence. Dolph is just the guy to give it to us.

3. Be the wildcard in the Punk/Bryan vs. the Wyatt family feud

If Punk and Daniel Bryan are going to have a Survivor Series match against the Wyatt family, they’re going to need teammates. People will mark out over having Ziggler team up with everyone’s former indie favorites. It could even kick off a lovefest on the Internet. Greatest Survivor Series team ever? Maybe. Then, in an act of craven self-interest Dolph can stab them in the back. Maybe HHH and Stephanie make him an offer he can’t refuse. Maybe his ego can’t stand being the equivalent of Murdock in this particular A-Team. Whatever his rationale, he should be awesome during the match and then, when it looks like victory is assured, he should screw over his team something fierce. It’s a match that practically demands a dusty finish. Dolph should be the dust bunny who makes it happen.

That would open the door for Ziggler to have some awesome revenge matches against his former teammates. It would be like he suddenly mattered again.

2. One night only: Spirit Squad reunion

Sure they’re at the top of the list for worst factions of all time. That’s no reason not to have fun with it. Dolph can proclaim that since the people in the arena are cheering for the other guy, he brought in some people to cheer for him. Kenny, Johnny, Mitch and Mikey come out, cause chaos throughout the match, cheat to give Dolph the win and we all mark out. That Dolph is so clever. One of them also has to slip up and call Dolph “Nicky” during the post-match interview. It’s also vitally important Dolph drop them without remorse during the post-match celebration. Have one of the cheer boys announce it’s great to be back and then Dolph can chime in with, “Back? Oh no, this was a one-night-only, never-to-be-seen again deal. You guys need to go back to flipping burgers or whatever it is you do. It’s time for you to go away, forever. I’ve got places to be and a smoking hot babe to do.”

1. King of the Ring

I know there’s a school of thought that the WWE can’t do KOTR now that it’s got Money in the Bank. I completely disagree. MITB is about getting the chance to win something else, and it’s a bit of a fluke match. The best wrestler that night doesn’t necessarily win. KOTR is its own reward. It’s a one-off event where you can’t hide and the bragging rights last forever. How perfect is that for a guy who loves to tell everyone how great he is? Kaitlyn could purr about how Dolph is the king. Dolph could inform people how honored they should be each and every time he makes an appearance.

The man can bring it in the ring. We all know that. KOTR could be the thing that puts Dolph over.

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