wrestling / Columns

The Side Russian News Sweep 11.20.13

November 20, 2013 | Posted by Chris Pilkington

Good afternoon madam, and welcome to the third and final edition of The Side Russian News Sweep. Wait a minute…this isn’t the final edition! Swerved in the opening paragraph? I’m getting the hang of this wrestling writing malarkey. I’m afraid you are in fact stuck with me for the foreseeable future, a scary thought I’m sure you’ll agree, but we’ll get through it if we just stick together. Never let go, Jack, never let go.

There were literally thousands of responses to last weeks column. I am of course using the WWE scale for a thousand there. The same scale that suggests that TV monitors cost upwards of twenty thousand dollars and the headstone in the Undertaker and Austin buried alive match weighed three thousand pounds. Yes, literally thousands of responses, by which I mean sixty nine.

Tee hee, sixty nine.

So anyway, here’s a few things I picked up on from you lovely people.

1, Firstly, let me apologize to anybody who came to The Sweep late last week and missed out on all the images. Turns out my photobucket account is a dick. For those who didn’t see any images, you didn’t really miss much. Just naked AJ and the filthy tattoo that Vince McMahon doesn’t want you to know about. Pretty standard fare. Hopefully my new account will be a lot better!

2, Sorry for not inducting Mini Batista into the Midget Hall of Fame. I have tried to rectify that oversight later in the column though with a little help from our old friend, people power. Stay tuned.

3, Huge thanks to everyone that responded to my request for matches for the Chain Wrestling feature. I’m delighted to see that some of you think it’s a good idea. I think that if I get as many responses again this week, I’m just going to use the suggestion that gets the most “ups” in the comment section.

4, I have to say that I was proud once again to see that you were all very civil in the comments section. Keep it classy fellow sweepers!

5, Tony Acero’s AJ loving knows no bounds.

Before we get to The Sweep, it’s time ONCE AGAIN to welcome the best warm up man in the business. Some say he’s the reason The Iron Sheik got an erection that time he wrestled Hulk Hogan. Others say he’s the reason The Iron Sheik can no longer maintain an erection. All I know is that he’s Gorilla Monsoon and he’s here for another Gorilla Monologue.

“It’s a happenin’!

So I see that Mick Foley is entering a fruitcake eating contest. I personally hope he enters three times, just like he did at The Royal Rumble. He could even enter as his three alter egos, Food Love, Cactus Flapjack and Flankind. With all that cake, Foley’s butt would be so big it’d need two seats, thus continuing Tony Schiavone’s never ending cycle of grief.

Mick will also be signing copies of his kids book, A Most Mizerable Christmas. Jesus, Miz’s career has fallen off a cliff since Mick wrote that book. Well, it could have been worse, the working title was “A Christmas Sin Car-ol” Sadly, his follow up book set in a Christmas pantomime has been cancelled…


“Ohno it hasn’t!”

Ohyes it has, Kassius, Ohyes it has. Speaking of Kassius, the rechristened Chris Hero has officially returned to the indies. You know, it’s a real shame that Hero never quite made it to Raw. I hear the catering is exceptional. Hero fought Johnny Gargano for Dragon Gate USA over the weekend. Can you imagine the look on his face when he realised that Dragon Gate wasn’t a Chinese takeaway? With that in mind, here are your top three dishes that Chris Hero could order from a Dragon Gate takeaway!

Number Three: Crispy Rich Swann
Number Two: Egg Foo Yung Bucks
Number One: Sweet and Tozawa Chicken

That’s all from me this week folks, enjoy the rest of the show!”

Chain Wrestling

For anybody joining us for the first time, Chain Wrestling is my attempt at creating a user generated, thematically linked chain of bloody good wrestling. Every week you get the chance to chose the next match in the chain by making suggestions in the comments section below. We started last week with Dean Malenko vs Chris Jericho from Slamboree 1998 with the idea being that you guys would suggest a match that is somehow connected to it.

We had lots of great suggestions including Malenko vs Scotty Too Hotty from Backlash 2000, The Radicals vs DX from Survivor Series 2000 and Dean Malenko vs Ultimo Dragon from Starrcade 96. There was, however, a clear winner. The most popular suggestion was the epic Cruiserweight Championship match between Dean Malenko and Rey Mysterio that opened Halloween Havoc 1996. Congratulations to RipStamps, if that is your real name, for making our first connection!

The Youtube playlist I promised can be found above but obviously it’s a bit sparse at the moment. If you have a suggestion for next weeks Chain Wrestling match please let me know in the comments section below. Do you have another amazing Mysterio match in mind? Or perhaps another Halloween Havoc classic? Or can Malenko dominate The Chain for a third week? Remember, I’m going to be using the suggestion that has the most “Ups,” so be sure to like your favorites. In the event of a tie, Teddy Long will make a tag match. Holla Holla.

The Small of Frame Hall of Fame

Last week, I omitted a great man from The Midget Hall of Fame. It was a terrible oversight on my part, and you quickly pointed it out in the comments. One of the greatest workers of our generation, Mini Batista, was shunned by the hall.

That could all change.

I’m an honest man, and I know when I’m in the wrong, so I’m offering Mini Batista the chance to make it to the big dance. If Mini Batista is going in, though, somebody has to make way. So here’s the deal…who deserves a place in the prestigious Small of Frame Hall of Fame, Mini Batista or Mini Booker T? Vote below!


Yeah, I can definitely see this being bigger than the Hall of Bang… Let’s Sweep!

Bret Hart joins Pre-Show Panel

Former WWE champion and current Benjamin Franklin impressionist Bret Hart will join an all star Survivor Series panel also featuring Mick Foley and Booker T. I think I’m correct in saying that this is the first time Bret has been at Survivor Series since 1997, which we all know featured one of the most controversial moments of all time. Yes, that was the night that The Truth Commission won on PPV. Shocking times indeed.

Of course I’m talking about The Montreal Screwjob. Something not quite as memorable happened at Survivor Series 1998 too, as another Superstar was screwed out of the title by Vince McMahon, the one and only Mick Foley. The third member of the panel, Booker T, lost the World Heavyweight title to Batista at the 2006 Survivor Series after a slightly screwy finish also. (OK, that one’s a bit of a stretch, but go with me on this.) Could all this be leading to something big happening at Survivor Series? Perhaps the return of Vince McMahon? Or is it simply foreshadowing for another screwjob finish to another PPV? Whatever the outcome, it will be extremely interesting to see Bret at the event he’s perhaps become most closely associated with.

The Ryback Saga Continues

Ryback is in the dog house. Ryback is set to feud with Goldberg. Ryback has a bad attitude. Ryback will feud with Brock Lesnar when he returns. Ryback is set to turn face. Ryback is dating George Clooney. Ryback has signed a developmental deal with the Arizona Cardinals. Ryback will break The Undertaker’s streak at WrestleMania 30. Ryback is no longer a Paul Heyman Guy. Ryback drove the white Hummer. Ryback is dead. Ryback has seven arses. Ryback is set to feud with a ghost. Ryback broke my Photobucket account. Ryback has an obscene tattoo that Vince McMahon doesn’t want you to see. Ryback is set to be inducted into the Small of Frame Hall of Fame. Ryback caused the Impact rating to drop one point. Ryback ate my hamster. Ryback, Ryback, Ryback.

MVP to TNA?

MVP did some tweets. Oh, he did loads of tweets! The most interesting thing he tweeted was a list of TNA wrestlers he’d like to work with whilst praising TNA’s less rigorous schedule. His name has been bandied around pretty much since he left WWE and he would certainly be an interesting addition to the roster. I don’t know exactly where he would fit in and I hope the current regime concentrate on elevating some of the underutilized core talents they already have, but I would love to see MVP back on television. At the very least, we might get to see his obscene tattoo that Vince McMahon didn’t want you to see.

Around the World in 80 Title Defenses

It looks like AJ Styles whistle stop world tour could be set to continue for some time yet. Current rumours suggest that Styles will be coming to the UK to wrestle the Preston City Wrestling champion Lionheart. The Scottish grappler claimed that he would be wrestling a “phenomenal” competitior at PCW’s December 6th show. Promoter Steven Fludder has so far neither confirmed or denied the rumours, but a link to the original story was posted on the promotions facebook page accompanied by the word “interesting”

As a PCW regular, I make no bones about being incredibly biased here. PCW can and have attracted some of the biggest names currently available. Just last week they promoted a show featuring Bob Holly, D’Lo Brown, Awesome Kong, Chris Masters, Kevin Steen, Uhaa Nation,Jushin Liger… and Dave Rayne. Their December 6th show will feature Vader. VADER! If Styles is going to come anywhere in Britain, PCW is the most likely destination. Also, given the integrity of the promotion, I doubt they would imply Styles is on the way if it wasn’t likely.

So that would mean that the current AJ storyline would run for at least another few weeks. Huzzah! I love that TNA are putting the World into World Title, even if storyline wise they are very much distancing themselves from the belt that AJ holds. Nevertheless, it’s great promotion for TNA who have a very vocal fan base here in the UK. Granted, we get all their shit for free, but we’re vocal nonetheless!

Free (British) Wresting

The last time AJ Styles came over to Britain, he actually wrestled for a Scottish company owned by Lionheart, making the rumours that he would face Lionheart in December all the more believable. AJ’s opponent was the incredibly talented Noam Dar. Seriously, if you live in The UK, make sure you see Dar live. He will be huge. Here’s AJ Styles vs Noam Dar in all its glory.

The Week in Pictures

Chris Hero poses for new promo pictures

New cast members for Total Divas season two announced

And finally, the alternative cover for The History of WWE is revealed

How was it for you?

There endeth another Side Russian News Sweep. We’ve had more fat jokes, more midgets, a Titanic reference, a weird running joke about obscene tattoos that never really went anywhere…and plenty more mildly distracting shit. I hope you smiled more than you fell asleep dear Sweepers. And just as our own fickle lives play out, sometimes in wrestling you’re a 4 out of 10, sometimes you’re a solid B+, but at the end of the day always remember that Cesaro is considerably better than you.

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Chris Pilkington

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