The Side Russian News Sweep 11.27.13

Hello fellow humans, animals and other carbon based lifeforms and welcome to another edition of The Side Russian News Sweep. Y’all know that I’ve been sweeping news… nationwide. So why not light a fatty for this sweep daddy? After all, Sweepin aint easy! All aboard the neeeeeeeeeews traaaiiin!

Before we get to the meat though I’ve got a barrow full of garnish with which to whet your wrestling appetites. To be fair, this column is always mostly garnish. So much sizzle, so little steak. As always, I like to start things off by looking at a few things I learnt from you all last week. There weren’t quite as many comments last week but I appreciate everybody who took the time to leave a little feedback.

1, Thanks, as always, for your suggestions for The Chain Wrestling play list. Special thanks to the person who suggested Malenko vs Jericho from Slamboree 98. Less of a chain and more of a vicious circle. I like it!

2, People love them some midgets!

3, If I’m remembered as the guy with all the Cesaro Gifs I’ll die a happy man. I’m 99% certain that he has not nor will not read this column but thanks for suggesting he would anyway.

4, Somebody knows who Dave Rayne is! I’m also 99% certain thatDave Rayne doesn’t read the column either, partly because he just got an Xbox One and partly because he can’t read.

Had enough garnish yet? Tough tits. It’s time ONCE AGAIN for a little visit from our good friend and the best warm up man in the business. Some say he once found Shawn Michaels smile down the back of his sofa, others say he’s the reason Shawn lost it in the first place. All I know is that he’s Gorilla Monsoon and he’s back for another Gorilla Monologue.

“It’s a happenin’!

So Hulk Hogan tweeted that he came up with a great idea that he can’t wait to tell to the right person. You know, the last time Hogan had a great idea, he ended up swinging on a wrecking ball wearing a thong. Hogan was wearing the thong, not the wrecking ball. That would be weird. Whatever idea he has, it can’t be any worse than the idea to have a seven on seven divas elimination match two days in a row. That was about the ugliest thing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen Mickey Rourke’s head.

But seriously, congratulations to the cast of Total Divas as the show has been renewed for another series. I, for one, can’t wait to see how many people Eva Marie pisses off in season two. There’s already Ginger Mahal of course, and I look forward to her interactions with Grey Wyatt, CM Pink and Daniel Cyan.

Speaking of colors, Drew McIntryre got his green card this week. Expect 3MB to do a tribute to the movie of the same name next week. Drew would make a fantastic Andie MacDowell, while Heath Slater would be great as Gerard Depardieu. And as for Ginger Mahal…well, nobody cares about Ginger.

A ginger that people do care about has been asking for a WrestleMania match against a ginger dead man. Yes, Sheamus vs The Undertaker could be on the cards. I dunno, it doesn’t seem like the kind of match Undertaker should be having. With that in mind, here are the top three reasons why Sheamus shouldn’t fight Undertaker at WrestleMania 30

Number Three, It would PALE in comparison to Undertakers last few WrestleMania Matches
Number Two, The crowd reaction could be a little ANEMIC
Number One, Sheamus wouldn’t have a GHOST of a chance of winning

Did I mention that Sheamus is very pasty? That’s all from me this week, enjoy the rest of the show!”

Thanks Gorilla, on with The Sweep!

Chain Wrestling

It’s week three of our user generated, thematically linked chain of kick ass wrestling. Last week you voted for Malenko vs Mysterio from Halloween Havoc 1996, a fantastic encounter that told one hell of a story. We had several excellent suggestions for the next link in our chain including Rey Rey vs Juvi from ECW, Mysterio’s Royal Rumble victory and a left field suggestion of the Anarchy Rulz triple threat between Taz, Masato Tanaka and Mike Awesome. A huge thanks to everyone who got involved but there was one clear winner. Regular reader Glen had this to say.

“The next match pretty much has to be Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero at Halloween Havoc ’97, same title, one of the same opponents, same event one year later.”

Who am I to argue with such sound logic Glen? Your commemorative “I contributed to The Chain” tea towel will be in the post shortly. So we now have three links in our chain but what match would you like to see become the fourth? Somebody actually mentioned in the comments last week that they like the idea of The Chain linking from one wrestler to another, as in, we went from Malenko to Mysterio and now to Eddie. Thus, the next match in The Chain should be an Eddie Guerrero match. Should we restrict the chain like that? Let me know in the comments. It’s your chain after all. Eddie would open up a vast amount of avenues we could explore but feel free to suggest other Mysterio matches or any other that you think connects.

Never let it be said that I don’t give the people what they want (you people want double negatives, right?) You called me out a couple weeks ago and questioned the legitimacy of Mini Booker T’s induction into the Small of Frame Hall of Fame. You lobbied and campaigned for justice. You wrote letters to your congressmen, demanding that a certain individual claim a spot in these hallowed halls. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I can exclusively reveal that with a 53 percent share of the public vote, Mini Batista has indeed ousted Mini Booker T. Only six votes separated these two tiny giants of our industry but a win is a win. So it is with good grace that I officially induct Mini Batista…

Oh my god, Tazz! What the hell is Mini Boogey Man doing in the Impact Zone?! Hahahaha, you didn’t think it would be that easy for Mini Batista, did you? If he wants to get into MY Small of Frame Hall of Fame, then he’s going to have to go through the worlds smallest gauntlet, a gauntlittle if you will. Only one man can continue. Cast your votes wisely…

John Cena: Fashion Police

John Cena has been talking about his new clothesline. It’s great to see that he’s finally added something to his five moves of doom….oh wait, he’s been talking about his new clothing line. My bad. Apparently this is a line of clothing you can buy from Kmart in the United States. I don’t know much about how clothing works over on your side of the pond but here in England, if you buy your clothes from a supermarket, you’re pretty much considered sub-human scum. I once wore a jumper from Tesco to work and was suspended for a month. If it had John Cena’s face on it I’m sure I would have been fired. Out of a cannon. The range of clothing is called Never Give Up. Not sure if that’s a comment on Cena’s self belief or the elasticity of the enormous waistbands. I’ll be sure to ask Chris Hero next time I see him.

The most interesting point to come from the interview is that Cena claims to generate approximately $100 million a year in revenue for WWE. Wow, if that’s the case, this feud with Orton could mean serious amounts of money for the company. If they ran a year long program between the two, WWE could be looking at around… $100 million dollars in revenue. Give or take a million.

Jake Roberts wants to buy TNA

Jake Roberts has said that he wants to raise the money to buy TNA and run it right. I’m pretty sure that’s how every TEW diary I’ve ever written has started too. Jake says he has a lot of ideas that would revolutionize TNA. You want to know how Roberts plans on improving TNA? Well you’re in luck, because like most alcoholics, he has a five step plan.

1, There would be good guys.

Granted, this is a bold move, but it really makes sense when you see what step number two is.

2, There would be bad guys.

Now you start to see how the mind of this famed wrestling genius really works. Not only is he having good guys, he’s having bad guys too. I know when I watch TNA I’m always appalled by the lack of guys who are neither good nor bad.

3, There wouldn’t be no bullshit.

Double negative aside, I really like what Jake is suggesting here. He’s saying, that on day one of his involvement with the company, he would remove all traces of bullshit. I know some of you like bullshit, I know I do, but can you imagine what TNA would be like if there was simply no bullshit? It’s a scary thought, but then Jake is an outside of the box type of thinker. Jake is so far from the box here that he can’t even see the box. The big bullshitty box.

4, There wouldn’t be twenty minute interviews.

Now hang on a minute Jake. I was kind of with you on points 1 through 3, but now you want to get rid of all the twenty minute interviews? I can stand losing the bullshit, but come on man! Would we still have nineteen minute interviews? What about two ten minute interviews either side of an ad break?

5, We would actually ‘rassle

Mind. Blown.

Jake also said that if he doesn’t buy TNA then he might buy The Smashing Pumpkins instead. In which case…

1, There would be a drum
2, There would be a guitar
3, There wouldn’t be no lip syncing
4, There wouldn’t be twenty minute bongo solos
5, We would actually play songs.

Free (British) Wrestling

Progress wrestling are a London based organization with a huge cult following. They may not play in the biggest of venues but they legitimately sell out within an hour of tickets going on sale. For the first time I’m featuring a match made up entirely of British wrestlers. None of your bloody imports here! Marty Scurll was featured in the TNA British Boot-camp program from last year but lost out to Rockstar Spud. I don’t know a lot about Stixx, other than he is huge. Dave Mastiff is my absolute favorite wrestler currently on these fair isles. Enjoy!

The Week in Pictures

And I leave you with news that former WWE Diva Sunny is being comforted by The Miz following her latest Facebook outburst/ near death experience

Hulk Hogan’s “big idea” is revealed

TNA budget cuts hit hard at the new Impact Zone

And finally, Ginger Mahal embraces his new name

How was it for you?

And so the door closes on another edition of The Side Russian News Sweep. We’ve had the, by now, mandatory fat jokes, midgets galore, a terrible reference to a 90’s romcom nobody remembers, we’ve besmirched the legend that is Jake the Snake and revealed the startling news that Sheamus might be a bit pale. Four weeks in and not one reported suicide attempt from reading this drivel. Job done in my book. If you liked the column, leave a comment. If you hated it, leave two. If your name is Brooks, send me a detailed account of how cool you think I used to be and how overpriced the hotdogs were.

And just as life itself is a fickle mistress at best, sometimes you’re a 4 out of 10, sometimes you’re a solid B+, but at the end of the day always remember that Cesaro is considerably better than you.