The Almost Next Week RAW Report 12.08.13: Monday Night RAW (12.02.13)

WWE Monday Night RAW from Oklahoma City, OK
Monday, December 2, 2013
Commentators: JBL, Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Cult of Personality in OKC!
– The only bomb tonight may be a pipe bomb.
– Geez, Punk starts with the OKC cheap pop faster than Cole can say “daughter of the Superfly”.
– Punk brings up how he and The Authority had long been in different universes.
– I’m hoping for this to finally lead to the revealing of The Authorized Family.
– DOKane (KaneDO?) gets an extended period to talk and I dig it.
– Is Zach Gowen the head booker these days?

#1 Contendership, IC Title: Dolph Ziggler v. Damien Sandow
– I really was hoping they would go with my idea from last week. At least this match means something.
– Big E name drops Skip It!!
– Sandow goes for a moonsault (!) but Ziggler rolls out of the way. That’s new.
– King speculates that Sandow knocking Ziggler off the top was what may have been what led to Sandow winning. No idea what would make him think that.
Match was short but good. Disappointed in the Ziggler loss but Sandow is awesome and I enjoyed this weird mini-feud. Damien Sandow def. Dolph Ziggler, full-nelson slam.

Six-Woman Tag: AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka & Summer Rae v. The Bellas & Natalya
– Nice missile dropkick from Brie Bella!
– AJ skips around the ring as Tamina awkwardly beats up Brie in the ring.
– I can’t even comment on whatever it was Summer and Brie were trying to do with those two move-like things before the hot tag but at the same time it was so bad that I can’t not comment either.
– It was bad.
– Good finishing sequence with AJ and Natalya.
I don’t know why AJ was skipping around the outside the whole time but it made me giggle. I like to giggle. Tamina is average at the very best and Summer Rae has looked good on NXT but is of very little worth on RAW in any capacity. Natalya et al def. AJ et al, Nattie Sharpshooter on AJ.

#BadNewsBarrett is fantastic and I don’t want him to ever leave. The commentators have to completely ignore him, though, and he should have his own platform up by the stage where the RAW table was circa 2002-2003. I’m talking no further character development, no reasoning for wrestling anybody; just Barrett saying rude things (never directed at his opponent) and then having matches once in a while. I guarantee he’d get massively over as a heel and they’d never have to do anything creative or waste any time on thinking about it.

Daniel Bryan v. Eric Rowan
– JBL goes off on Shakespeare because of a simple misunderstanding.
– “Rowan looks like Daniel Bryan’s uncle!” Nice line from JBL.
– With all the TV time they have there was no way to film a short clip of the Wyatts leaving Bryan in a parking lot?
– Minor annoyance, I know.
– Good lord Rowan threw Bryan so hard into the barricade that someone lost their cellphone.
– Man, Eric Rowan is definitely trying to impress someone tonight.
I really enjoyed this match. I know very little about Rowan and have only seen him in limited capacity teaming with Harper but he was damn impressive. Yeah, he was in there with Bryan, but as the heel Rowan controlled the offense for the majority and surprised me with how well he went through the match. Bryan def. Rowan, roll-up.

R-Truth & Xavier Woods v. Tons of Funk
– Don’t know if it’s a heel turn (is that still and IWC wet dream?) but at least it’s good continuity.
– Cole sorta calls Brodus a main eventer. JBL questions it, Cole says they were Clay’s words and JBL pipes down.
– Then King tries to call them out!
– Why would they choose THAT hold to finish?
Everybody came to play and it turned out alright. Not sure where they’re going with Brodus, but a short feud against Tensai could be fun. I wonder how long it’ll be before Tensai goes back to Japan. Truth/Woods def. ToF, Woods pins Clay w/ La Majistral

Alberto Del Rio v. Sin Cara
– Could have written Del Rio’s name before Sin Cara even unzipped the ring jacket.
– Oh, great. The shitty lighting is back. Aaaand he hits his head on the arena floor on his first high spot.
– They should do this match every week on RAW and never mention it being odd that neither guy ever wrestles anybody else.
– Wait… Sin Cara WINS???
Apparently it turns out that it was Hunico under the mask this week, which makes me wonder if it’s the outfit that causes the poor performances instead of the guy donning it. Hunico is definitely better suited to be a WWE-style luchador than Mistico, who I hope (for his sake) goes back to Mexico when his contract is up. Lose the lighting, please. It doesn’t add any sort of good “atmosphere” it makes the match hard to see and probably fucks with the wrestlers’ vision. I’m interested in the follow up to Sin Cara’s victory here. Sin Cara def. Del Rio, swanton bomb.

Six-Man Tag: Cody Rhodes, Goldust & Big Show v. The Shield
– Big Show spends the beginning of the match making all three Shield members his bitch while the commentary team talk about how hard it would be to hang with them in a 3-on-1 situation.
– After minutes without success Rollins believes he has figured out how to stop Big Show: “Grab his beard! You gotta grab the beard!” I’d call that a sound strategy.
– Reigns KILLS Cody with a palm strike off the attempted Disaster Kick.
– Goldust gets the hot tag and GOES LUCHA ON SETH ROLLINS WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?!?
– Spear from Reigns to Show on the outside! Dive from Cody onto Reigns!
– Goldust tries to superplex Ambrose onto Rollins! Seth moves! Rollins sneaks the pin!
What a shock, another great match from this combination of fine fellows. I just hope that if they do go with Cody v. Goldust at WrestleMania that Cody doesn’t end up losing every bit of momentum once it’s over. Hopefully they go face v. face and Goldy puts his brother over and retires. Great timing on the finish of the match. Shield def. Rhodes/Dust/Show, Rollins pins Goldust w/ roll-up.

CM Punk busts out some West Side Story for Renee Young. Where was he for the 2005 Royal Rumble?

Ryback & Curtis Axel v. The Miz & Kofi Kingston
– If Triple H really is the new head of creative and is truly pushing for a real tag division I am loving all of the teams.
– SOMEBODY CHALLENGED COLE TO SAY TLC AS MANY TIMES AS POSSIBLE IN 30 SECONDS! HE DID WELL!
– Nice double team work from Ryback and Axel. Ryback even follows up with a good splash!
– Can they call them “Rybaxel?”
– Fuck you JBL I want royalties.
Match was a match. Not much else to say. Axel and Ryback work well together as a team, and as I said a number of weeks ago I think being a tag team is the only way to really build either guy back up as something other than a pair of worthless goofs. Miz & Kofi can turn into a great team, especially if Miz gets Kofi to turn heel. That would be an amazing breath of fresh air for Kingston and the pair could end up being better than Awesome Truth. Rybaxel def. Miz/Kingston, Ryback pins Kofi w/Shellshocked.

Is it a bad thing that I’m a big fan of the weekly WWE Shop shills? My initial reaction was to just fast forward through them all, but I’ve been entertained every week. El Torito was loathesomely hilarious. Yes, I do know what loathesome means. Not sure if it’s actually a word, but it’s derived from a real word that I do indeed know the meaning of. And I mean what I typed.

Mark Henry v. Fandango
– Why not just do your finish if you get the guy in position 20 seconds in?
– I’m pretty sure JBL is drunk tonight.
– I think the crossbody from the top was supposed to be the finish but it ended up looking cooler the way it happened.
I dunno. I wasn’t not entertained and Henry dancing in Summer Rae’s general direction was amusing. I thought Triple H wasn’t going to bring people back to TV without having something for them to do. I guess there’s always a place for a big scary bald dude who smiles a lot, right? Henry def. Fandango, World’s Strongest Slam.

Prime Time Players v. The Real Americans
– Sweet smooth agility from Titus!
– Damn it I love the Swagger Bomb/Double Stomp combo.
– Unless he got food poisoning, Titus wouldn’t still be susceptible. I mean I guess he could have a weak stomach but that wasn’t the “joke” they were going for.
Cesaro is freakin’ awesome (duh) and Swagger, as I think everybody agrees on by this point, is best served as 1/2 of a tag team. The dynamic of Swagger and Zeb being douchebag xenophobic heels and Cesaro playing along but enjoying the positive attention for his big swing is a lot of fun to watch. I just hope if it ends with a Cesaro/Swagger feud it’s short and Cesaro wins decisively. By feud I mean one match that consists of Swagger charging and being tossed up and met with the SWISS DEATH followed by the big swing and the Neutralizer. Overall time about 46 seconds. Real Americans def. PTP, Cesaro pins Young w/ Swiss Death.

Main Event Contract Signing for the Greatest Match of All Time!
– The Authority are guaranteeing one champion coming out of TLC, which simply reinforces that there is no chance of that happening.
– One would think that after so many loopholes being taken advantage of and so many mistakes and unclear results happening they would think about things like each guy pulling a title down simultaneously and come up with a contingency such as, I don’t know, restart the match.
– Cena is right. Orton sounds like a fool. Then Cena cuts an insanely good promo.
– And here’s the brawl. Orton goes through two tables!
– It fully feels like the beginning stage of a much bigger angle and I don’t think it’s going to lead to an eventual unification between these two in April like I originally believed.
– And I support that. As long as it doesn’t come down to Cena versus Triple H.

Overall RAW Thoughts: It was a pretty good show this week. The wrestling was fully inoffensive and we got a couple of very good TV matches, which is really all I ask for as far as in-ring action is concerned. They did a ton of set-up for TLC, adding 4 matches to the card and setting up a few others. Not too much talky and there really wasn’t anything stupid or cringeworthy. I enjoyed the 2 hours and 20 minutes or so that it took to watch the show. December is a placeholder month, so as long as they don’t insult my intelligence (too much) I have nothing to complain about.

CLOSING OUT
Not a whole lot else to talk about this week, since I’ve been pretty far away from my computer for the most part. Next week this report will be up at some point between Wednesday and Sunday and my bi-weekly column will begin soon. Maybe this upcoming week but I promise nothing. Except for pretty graphics and more in-depth discussion about RAW and other topics. That I think I can handle.

– Nicholas A. Marsico