The Almost Next Week RAW Report 12.14.13: Monday Night RAW (12.09.13)

WWE Monday Night RAW: THE SLAMMY AWARDS!
December 9, 2013 LIVE from Seattle, Washington
Commentators: JBL & Michael Cole w/ Jerry Lawler & Booker T hosting

It’s the go-home show for the last PPV of 2013! I love the full bore award show opening. This ain’t RAW, folks, it’s the SLAMMYS! I can appreciate that. I can also appreciate that we start the show with a Daniel Bryan match! That’s like giving THE FANS an award!

Daniel Bryan v. Fandango
– Bryan, of course, is massively over less than 2 hours from his hometown.
– He’s also over when he’s 4 hours from his hometown, 10 hours away, 23 hours away…
– Nobody in Aberdeen likes him though, oddly enough.
– The crowd is popping for just the idea of his spots, let alone the moves themselves.
– Fandango crashes and burns on a dive but Daniel Bryan nails one in return!
– Running dropkick off the guardrail and back to the ring for a missile dropk–
– HOLY SHIT sweet powerbomb from Fandango!
– JBL while Bryan kicks Fandango: “Thank god Daniel Bryan only has 2 feet, ’cause he kicks you with every one of them!”
– JBL less than half a second later: “Except that one. Kicked the corner.” Perfectly said.
– Fandango with the Falcon Arrow! VINTAGE Bobcore Holly!
– Flying legdrop misses but the flying headbutt doesn’t!
– Neither does the BUSAIKU KNEE~!
Short but very enjoyable match to start off the show. Crowd loved it (duh) and both guys were great. Bray Wyatt’s promo afterward was also fantastic. Bryan pins Fandango w/ Busaiku Knee

The New Age Outlaws present the LOL Moment of the Year. Admittedly, the snake charmer thing was actually quite funny. BIATCH, you look horrible tonight was also easily the best thing Rock did in any of his return appearances since 2011. Rock wins and Vickie accepts.

Damien Sandow v. Santino Marella
– Nice to see Sandow getting an entrance befitting a rising star.
– Big E is generic on commentary. I bet he got yelled at for showing too much personality last week.
– Santino acts silly, Sandow isn’t impressed.
– Cobra attempt is thwarted by a sweeeeeet legsweep and You’re Welcome spells the end. Well, it spells you’re welcome but you get the point. He used the move to win the match.
Nothing else to write, so here’s the red font. Sandow pins Santino w/ You’re Welcome

The Shield present Double Cross of the Year. If they aren’t leading to a Bryan/Michaels match there’s no way that moment wins, but only because we all had a feeling it was coming and Mark Henry fooled us all and did so masterfully. I know it’s a fake award but the man was robbed. I also enjoyed the continuation of the Ambrose/Reigns story. They’re going the route of Triple H and Batista and I love it. Poor Seth Rollins is going to be a child of divorce.

Kofi Kingston v. The Miz
– I continue to be oddly intrigued by what they are doing with these two.
– NICE running dropkick from Kofi to start. He landed on Miz in perfect position for a cover. They should have gone with a close nearfall.
– Kofi is showing RUTHLESS AGGRESSION~! He’s kicking Miz from every which way!
– Miz tries to walk but Kofi chases him up the ramp.
– Hey, look! Let him not be a bitch and the crowd will react!
– Uh-oh, Miz wins with the roll-up so Kofi KICKS HIS FACE OFF WITH TROUBLE IN PARADISE!
Nothing of a match, but Kofi looked fantastic and if they keep this up with him he’s going to end up being badass. Miz pins Kofi w/ roll-up.

Eve presents The Bella Twins with the Who Gives A Shit Award.

8-Man Tag: Rey Mysterio, Big Show & The Rhodes Brothers v. Ryback, Curtis Axel & The Real Americans
– I love how for the past few years the motto of all three of North America’s largest promotions regarding tag teams has been “the tag division is heating up!”
– They need to do Cesaro v. Mysterio before Rey retires. AC is the only guy who has a shot at making Rey look like he did 10 years ago.
– JBL going off on how awful “Rybaxel” is as a team name is hysterical.
– Goldust gets beat on until he hits the powerslam on Cesaro. Double DDT on The Real Americans!
– Hot tag Cody and he’s a house on fire! Or of fire! Girl on fire!
– Big Show spears Ryback in the ring! He spears Cesaro and Swagger outside the ring!
– Cody hits the Disaster Kick! Rey gets the 619 and Drops the Dime!
Fun, fun match. It’s impossible to get something bad out of any combination of these guys, at least in tag action. Good guys def. Bad guys when Mysterio pins Axel.

HBK is out to present Superstar of the Year. He completely bombs with lame jokes yet somehow HBShizzle gets a chant. I’d have chanted it too. Maybe that should be Ryback and Axel’s team name. Obviously Bryan is the winner. YOU CAN CUT THE TENSION WITH A KNIFE! HBK leaves without any confrontation and Bryan cuts a good promo that sloooowly sets the table for what damn well better lead to a match. And then he ends it like he’s running for Class President of Seattle High. Daniel Bryan rules.

Sin Cara v. Alberto Del Rio
– This feud, say it with me… MUST CONTINUE!
– It’s Hunico again. Is this going to be a permanent thing?
– Here are the damned lights again.
– The crowd cares so much that they chant for the Seahawks and then call for the guy from The Office to be MVP.
– HOLY GOOD GRAVY the double stomp from Del Rio ON THE APP was out of control!
– The crowd facetiously chants “this is awesome”.
– It’s actually a pretty good match but the lighting sucks and nobody cares about these guys.
– A couple flashy moves from Sin Cara win the crowd back a bit.
– Sin Cara hits a fireman’s carry slam variation that I can’t remember the name of.
– Oooh, he killed him with that sunset flip powerbomb. That mask is clearly bad luck.
– Seriously, every time Sin Cara walks out to the ring I hear the sound they played on The Brady Bunch 2-part Hawaii vacation special whenever they talked about the cursed tiki necklace.
Outside of some miscommunication and the tiki mask of doom and bewilderment causing some botches this match was good stuff. I know I harp on it a lot, but that damn lighting is awful and makes it hard for me to get into Sin Cara matches. It’s just bad. Way too dark and it does the exact opposite of their intended purpose as far as I’m concerned. Sin Cara pins Del Rio w/ the swanton.

The Prime Time Players are here to present the Fan Participation of the Year Award. Daniel Bryan obviously takes this one.

Brodus Clay v. Xavier Woods
– Well that was quick.
– Brodus squashes him after squashing him to show him what for.
– Then he yells about being a main event player. Okay.
This match barely even happened. Clay pins Woods w/ second rope splash.

The Miz presents Insult of the Year. Stephanie wins for insulting Big Show.

CM Punk v. Dean Ambrose
– They had a good match on SmackDown last week.
– Ambrose calling the next move to Punk looked like he was giving him a smooch on the cheek.
– Smooch.
– Keep saying it. Eventually it will lose meaning.
– Punk goes for the no-look rebound crossbody but Ambrose counters by catching him on the way down with a gutbuster. That looked perfect.
– There’s something about these two guys. They can both work fast but a deliberate pace works really well when they oppose each other.
– Punk makes the babyface comeback with a couple of Polish Hammers!
– Ambrose rolls through a top-rope crossbody! Nearfall!
– Punk with the headkick! Nearfall!
– Crowd chants “this is awesome!” for real!
– Dissention within The Shield leads to Punk getting the small package for another near win!
– GTS! No! Bulldog driver! No! GTS!
Great stuff. I wonder if Rollins doesn’t realize that Reigns is actually pissed at Ambrose and thinks they’re just teasing dissention to give Punk a false sense of hope. Punk pins Ambrose w/ Go To Sleep

Mick Foley presents the Extreme Moment of the Year. CM Punk wins for pummeling Heyman on top of the cell. JBL makes the argument that Heyman should have won the award instead of Punk because he used an EXTREME~! forklift to get to the top of the cage. He makes a point that I had not considered. I believe the award must now be placed under review. Abeyance will hold the trophy until further notice.

The Usos v. The Wyatt Family
– I love JBL chanting ‘OH’ with the crowd.
– Holy crap suicide dive from one one of the Usos while the other one flies off the top to the floor!
– The Usos NEED to be tag champs in 2014.
– Jimmy gets the hot tag and no-sells a kick to the face! Samoan drop on Harper!
– Rikishi is now classified as legendary, eh?
– Rowan tosses one Uso off the apron onto the announce table! The other Uso kicks him in the face!
– Sadly he turns around into THAT FUCKING DISCUS CLOTHESLINE HOLY SHIT RIKISHI JUST LOST A SON
This is a sad night for the Phatu family. The Wyatts def. The Usos because Luke Harper de-twinned an Uso.

Bret HOG presents the Match of the Year. I haven’t chosen one this year but Rock v. Cena sure ain’t it.

Tamina Snuka v. Natalya
– It’s like having Jimmy Snuka versus Bret Hart!
– Except it’s actually happening in 2013 with both men in their current condition.
– JBL says tonight will be the last time we’re going to see the two titles unseparated. I hope they weld the belts together.
– That was quick.
I’m expecting a new Divas Champ on Sunday. Natalya submits Tamina w/ the Sharpshooter

The Big Championship Hanging Celebration Ceremony (A.K.A. The Daniel Bryan Love-In)
– I bet Jack Swagger feels really uncomfortable.
– Triple H tries to be all serious about the big 2-week-built-up-but-for-real-guys-this-is-7-years-in-the-making title unification match but the crowd just chants for Daniel Bryan until he shuts up.
– Then they chant “YES!” for a while until Triple H stumbles over his big speech.
– Then the two champs come out and it continues to be all about Daniel Bryan.
– This is fun.
– I don’t think Randy has any idea how to go off script.
– Except for when he forgets his lines.
– John Cena, being badass, just decides to interview Daniel Bryan.
– Then he brings the whole segment back to what it was supposed to be, because THAT is a man who knows what the hell he’s doing.
– When he’s not making poopy jokes there is not a man on this planet who can touch John Cena on the microphone.
– Orton cheap shots Cena! It’s a pull-apart brawl!
– Orton pie-faces Punk!
– Punk goes after Orton!
– Triple H throws Punk down!
– Punk knocks Triple H on his ass!
– Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere!
– Bryan takes him out with the running knee!
– The RKO is countered and Stephanie gets taken down!
– Pedigree for Orton!

Overall RAW Thoughts: This was a really long show and it felt really long but everything was good. The timing and pacing of the show was off even though they tried to keep it moving along with a good format of not wasting time by drawing out the award presentations. I guess in that way it really did feel like an award show because those all feel 6 hours long as well. It was a good enough show to lead into the PPV on Sunday and the important matches were showcased well enough. It’s a complete one-match show, of course, but people with disposable income (I dislike all of you) will pay for it. I mean in actual dollars and cents, not being punished by watching a bad show. It’ll proabably be pretty good. I dunno. Do what you will.

– Nicholas A. Marsico