The 411 Wrestling Top 5 2.28.14: Week 255 - Top 5 Wacky WWE Studios Sequels
Posted by Larry Csonka on 02.28.2014
From Randy Orton and John Cena in Superman vs. Batman: Round 2 and Roman Reigns in Conan the Cimmerian to Rey Mysterio in 619 Rounds, Vince McMahon in Titanic: Bigger, Better, Badder and more, the 411 staff counts down their top five wacky WWE Studios sequels…
Hello everyone and welcome to 411 Wrestling's Top 5 List. We take a topic each week and all the writers here on 411 wrestling will have the ability to give us their Top 5 on said topic, plus up to three honorable mentions.
So, onto this week's topic…
The Top 5 Wacky WWE Studios Sequels
With the news that WWE Studios is involved in a remake that no one asked for (Jingle All The Way 2) make a list of five WWE stars and what WACKY sequels they should star in.
5. The Marine 4: Trouble at Rent-A-Center - This one popped immediately into my head as soon as Marine 4 got announced. If they don't do it this way, they're fools ... fools, I tell you. After his 15th tour of duty in Afghanistan, Sgt. Jake Carter (the Miz) finally retires to civilian life. He gets a job as an assistant manager at a Rent-A-Center, where he mindlessly processes the paperwork of working class folk desperate to leverage themselves into a middle class lifestyle. His family refuses to talk to him for fear that they'll be kidnapped and, after her fourth kidnapping, his girlfriend dumps him, declaring their post-kidnapping rescue sex has lost its spark.
Then Carter's Rent-A-Center is chosen as the filming location for a Hulk Hogan commercial. During shooting, a mini-army of Islamic militants invades and kidnaps Hogan. Carter, who was doing inventory in the basement, is too late to save the Hulkster, but manages to fight his way free just before the entire strip mall explodes. The leader of the militants, played by the Iron Sheik, plans to finance their terrorist activities by forcing Hogan to make new sex tapes. Numerous road-worn former WWE and WCW female performers are paraded through as fodder for Hogan's awkward couplings (Sunny, Missy Hyatt, Terri Runnels). Sheik's character also is obsessed with his Twitter feed, where he's know as @The_Guyatollah. The authorities, fearing the Guyatollah will lead a mass unfollowing of their social media accounts refuse to take action, meaning only Jake Carter stands between us and the unraveling of western society. Using his employee discount, Carter leases a truckload of military-grade weaponry from a sister Rent-A-Center's new home defense section and sets out to defend America one more time.
4. Kröd Mändoon in Troll, Please - Finally the star vehicle Randy Orton has always desired. Just as the cult luster of Firefly translated to the big screen in Serenity, Vince seizes upon the evergreen popularity of Mändoon to make a film guaranteed to be the talk of the next Comic-Con. It also satisfies the movie industry requirement that every month must feature a new release with Kevin Hart in it. He'll be reprising his role as the inept wizard Zezelryck. Sir Roderick Toombs and Wade Barrett will be playing the main bad guys.
The main plot will center around a flatulent troll named Funghee, played by Santino Marella, who has mistakenly swallowed the Emerald of Assrathia, which has the power to free the downtrodden people of the Vandermunkin province from the yoke of tyranny. The main running gag is Mändoon's ragtag team has to keep the troll with them until he passes the stone. Every time Funghee rips one off (accompanied by an "Ahhhh" and a beatific look), Mändoon calls out "Troll check!" and a complaining Zezelryck reaches into the back of Fughee's loincloth to produce random items that aren't the Emerald of Assrathia (a wagon wheel, a still-living and oddly white bunny, a Kröd Mändoon action figure, etc.).
3. Odin Reborn (sequel to Almighty Thor) - If you haven't seen Almighty Thor where Richard Grieco, playing Loki, tries to take over what looks like a public park with the help of bad CGI effects, then you only have yourself to blame. It featured Kevin Nash as Odin, who unfortunately dies at the beginning of the movie. In the sequel, Odin returns as Nash decides to no-sell death. Loki is back and this time he's got an evil buddy, Surtr (played by Dustin Nguyen, who makes no sense as a Norse god, but he was in 21 Jump Street so he gets the gig).
Thor is unable to stop them, causing Odin/Nash to call him a "vanilla Æsir." Odin/Nash meets up with Loki and Surtr on top of a hill and cuts a promo on them, telling Loki "The measuring stick just changed around here, buddy—you're looking at it." As the bad guys get ready to attack, Odin/Nash insists he doesn't fight for free and walks away. Then he meanders around the park for a while until he finds a CGI great hall that's supposed to be Valhalla. He enters, gets really drunk and eats a few of what look to be foot-long hot dogs (because size matters). When he stumbles out, the entire park is engulfed in flames. Thor finds him and says Loki and Surtr are on a rampage. Odin/Nash insists he's in complete control, that everything's going according to plan and that all the people in Midgard are hooked to see what happens next. Then Odin/Nash produces a horn and blows it (feebly). Suddenly the Mesoamerican god Quetzalcoatl comes sauntering up. It's Scott Hall, complete with toothpick, slicked back hair and cheesy Hispanic accent. They hop on Quetzalcoatl/Hall's feathered serpent and begin to stalk Loki and Surtr, who are riding around on a giant wolf. The good guys finally pull their serpent up alongside the bad guys' wolf, causing a distraction. The wolf veers out of control, flips over and bursts into flames, saving the public park from further destruction.
2. Troll 2 Two: Return to Nilbog County - The Levesque family stars in what might be the most awaited sequel in bad movie history. Nilbog County is still teeming with goblins and poses a constant threat to those who can't or refuse to read backwards. Paul and Steph rent a vacation home. When they arrive, they find the house has a creepy bearded caretaker named Cletus, played by Daniel Bryan. Upon inspecting the property, Cletus asked what they think and Steph gives it a B+. However it turns out Cletus is secretly one the nefarious vegan goblin folk. They used to be vegetarians, but they've dropped the ovo-lacto since the '80s.
One of the Levesque daughters keeps seeing visions of the family's deceased grandfather, played by Vince McMahon. He somehow knows all about the danger the family is facing and keeps making increasingly creepy and scatological suggestions to save the family from danger. Playing the role of the town librarian/goblin queen is Chyna. Supposedly she's so alluring no man can resist her. She also offers significant makeup effects savings since her goblin form is exactly the same as her human form. Will the Levesque family fall prey to the goblin plan to turn them into vegetables and eat them, or can they get the goblins to break vegan edge, enabling them to escape from Nilbog County?
1. Rock (and Wrestling) of Ages - Striking while the iron of '80s nostalgia is still hot, WWE Studios takes Rock of Ages one step farther, building an entire musical around The Wrestling Album. Eva Marie plays a wooden, monosyllabic, small town girl who arrives in bustling 1985 Stamford, Connecticut where she meets a muscle-bound indie wrestler played by Taylor Kitsch (Vince has demanded, "Get me that John Carter guy!"). Her dream is to face the Fabulous Moolah (played by Tom Cruise) for the women's title. He dreams of adding another 50 pounds of muscle mass in order to make it in the big time. They get jobs working at the New Haven Civic Center - her at the ticket window, him as a janitor - and that introduces them to the crazy world of the WWF.
Singing "Eat Your Heart Out, Rick Springfield" will be Rick Springfield and Sir Roderick Toombs will be reprising his classic "For Everybody". Taking a Peter Sellers turn, Cruise will don blackface to play Junkyard Dog and sing "Grab Them Cakes". He'll also portray the younger Vince McMahon, belting out "Stand Back" in the big film finale. Despite no specific objectionable material, the movie will carry an NC-17 rating and a Surgeon General's warning due to fears it will cause rapid deterioration of the parietal lobe.
#5. Roman Reigns in Conan the Cimmerian: As far as fantasy goes, I have always preferred Conan to Lord of the Rings and its ilk. My ideal Conan movie/sequel would lead off from the 1982 John Milius film. This isn't a word filled to the brim with fantastical creatures and splendid miracles. It's a world just as hard as our own, harder perhaps because of sorcerers who dip into the well of death. Conan isn't a prophesied king or a wizard. He's a regular, superstitious man who wins by wit and might. The latest Conan movie (which I heard was crap but haven't watched) billed Jason Momoa in the lead role, and it seems apt to pick Roman Reigns for a WWE version, even if it would take its cues from the older film. I'm sure this is Triple H's wet dream role but he's past it now. There's no one more barbaric, in the born-of-a-wolf-on-the-windswept-plain manner, than Reigns right now. Also starring Triple H as the old king (Max von Sydow), the Undertaker as the evil master (James Earl Jones), Beth Phoenix as the lady warrior (Sandahl Bergman).
#4. A New Generation trio in Dollars to Dust: Probably my favorite series of movies is Sergio Leone's Dollars trilogy which launched the career of Clint Eastwood. The movies follow different plotlines but all revolve around three characters: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Eastwood, Lee Van Cleef, and Eli Wallach (and Gian Maria Volante in the first two) are three amazing actors and very hard to replace, so really, I just had to stick with the roles. Jake "The Snake" Roberts" would be perfect as the bad (Van Cleef). He knows how to be ominous, knows how to instill fear without roaring but by whispering, or even being friendly. There are not many wrestlers I can think of spontaneously coming up with an epitaph before a bedside murder. The outlandish bandito craziness of the ugly (Wallach) can be none other than Randy Savage. His delivery would be different but I can definitely see him giving the same frustrated, savage rants that Wallach did. And finally, the toughest to cast, Bret Hart as the good (Eastwood). Eastwood's effortless but dangerous cool is extremely hard to replicate. Don't think Hart is exactly that, but he is so unconcerned with being cool that he is cool, which is more Eastwood than most New Generation guys. It wouldn't be a perfect replacement, but Leone kept using the system in his later movies with different actors, so it could definitely work.
#3. Steve Austin in Escape From Chicago: If you don't know John Carpenter's excellent Escape movies, they are two versions of basically the same plot: Snake Plissken (Kurt Russel) is a badass soldier who's been convicted of a war crime. When the President (or his daughter) gets captured, Plissken is recruited to go into lawless (New York/Los Angeles) and make a rescue. It's a recipe for lots of wild action and Plissken being cool as fuck for its entire runtime. Putting Steve Austin in the Plissken role (probably as a war buddy recruited after Plissken's failed) would definitely change things up as he's not quite as relaxed as Russel can be, but he's got that same can't-nobody-fuck-with-me style. Plus, I feel like Austin has always excelled at the loner ass-kicker role, and this one would put him squarely there. Yeah, they're super formulaic, but also who cares? Steve Austin running riot through Chicago would be amazing. Also starring Goldust as the over-the-top villain (Isaac Hayes as the Duke in NY), Arn Anderson as the police chief (Lee Van Cleef), Bob Backlund as the president (Donald Pleasance in NY), and Mick Foley as the sidekick (Ernest Borgnine in NY).
#2. AJ Lee in Mathilda: The Professional:Léon: The Professional is a tight, intense drama about a professional hitman Léon (Jean Reno) who ends up as the guardian of a young orphan Mathilda (Natalie Portman). Mathilda's family was gunned down and, eventually, she draws Léon into the plot in an attempt to avenge her little brother (the rest of her family was also killed but she never liked them). The sequel would pick up after the movie finished, when Mathilda is away from Léon and finally an adult. She'd figure out that she just couldn't get used to a quiet life, and now an adult, resumes using her skills as an assassin. Plenty of ways a movie like this could go and I'd hate to see someone walk right back to the original movie's plot if there was a sequel. AJ is known for being wild and crazy but I think she's also shown plenty of times that she can tone it down. That little vicious edge is necessary, though. One of the best parts about Léon is Mathilda's childlike joy at the assassin's trade and at getting her revenge, and that's one of the things that definitely needs more exploring. Also starring Cody Rhodes as the over-the-top villain (Gary Oldman) and Wade Barrett as an experienced rival/associate hitman.
#1. A current day ensemble in The Dirty Dozen: Rather than a sequel, this one would just be a shot-for-shot remake. In the movie, Major Reisman (Lee Marvin) has to train 12 condemned, dangerous men to be an elite force for a single covert strike at a German base. There's a hell of a lot of insubordination, army discipline, and infighting, but they manage to keep it together just long enough to put the mission on. It'd just be a great chance to see a lot of different talents interacting in a non-wrestling environment, and it gives them a lot of chance to flex their stage fighting (for lack of a better word). Starring:
Triple H as Major Reisman (Lee Marvin): The no-nonsense leader of the ragtag Dozen. HHH's time as a dickhead taskmaster should prove he's got what it takes for the role, and his crude, arrogant sense of humor fits the way Reisman messed with his men to get them to fight together.
CM Punk as Victor Franko (John Cassavetes): The troublemaker, the pain in the ass. Speaking up for no reason except to piss the major off. If he'd had a pipe bomb in the movie it would have been called the Dirty Four.
Dean Ambrose as Joseph Wladislaw (Charles Bronson): Cold, reserved, tough, and endlessly wry. Ambrose is usually pretty animated but it's not tough for me to imagine him laying in the cut, ready with a witty remark, the master plan, or a punch to the mouth.
Mark Henry as Robert Jefferson (Jim Brown): He's the big black guy of the team. However, Jefferson's heart and cynical outlook could definitely be taken on board by Henry, and there's a few moments in the movie that could have used a "I'MA NATIONALLY SOCIALIZE YOUR PAIN!"
Bray Wyatt as Archer Maggott (Telly Savalas): A deranged bible thumper, the very image of a God deluded serial killer, recruited for this mission for the devil knows why. The evils of sin and decadence will probably be in Wyatt's next promo so he's already there.
R.D. Evans as Vernon Pinkley (Donald Sutherland): A simple yokel who seems to be there more by shit luck than anything else. Evans has got a great versatility and comedic timing, perfect for this guy.
Mason Ryan as Samson Posey (Clint Walker): This guy's job is just to be big and handsome. Mason Ryan looks the most like him.
5. The Dead Man Down To Business - As usual, I am going to put my own spin on this entire project. Using past WWE Studios titles and turning them into my own will be the theme. For this choice, the concept is simple. For the first time ever, we will get a behind the scenes look at The Undertaker getting ready for his annual WrestleMania match. See him work out in Texas. A true backstage look at how his opponent is selected. Any cameo from his wife would be nice. In the end, the movie concludes with Taker getting done to business and extending The Streak.
4. KnuckleHeadBangers - I am going to be honest. During the Attitude, Headbanger Mosh and Thrasher were some of my favorites to watch. I do not even have a good reason why. Since the two were knuckleheads out there, it is only fitting for this title to be of their wacky hi jinks and such. Good comedy here.
3. That's What What What What What I Am - Did Stone Cold ever appear in his three movies for WWE? Remember that deal he signed? Just wondering. If not, you have to get Steve Austin in there somewhere. Of course, since the audience likes to hijack shows and entertain themselves in 2014, the 'What' chants have to included as well. Annoying. Outdated. Worthless. Perfect!
2. 619 Rounds - You think 12 Rounds was bad? Or good? Or whatever? How about the ultimate flick that never ends? Rey Mysterio may be winding his career down inside the ring, but outside the ring is another story. Place him as the under dog (obvious) and fight the whole movie to get his family out of danger. The only issue is coming up with 619 different wild and crazy scenarios for him to overcome. Hey, it could work...
1. Ce Na Evil - I have never predicted a John Cena heel turn. Never. While most have wasted their time and energy daydreaming over such a thing for nearly a decade now, I have stayed in the real world. Lucky for us, there is a huge difference between WWE and movies. Well, kind of. Since Cena is not going to be playing the bad guy on Raw or Smackdown, why not in a big movie role? Smash hit there. Cena + Evil = Ce Na Evil
Robert S. Leighty Jr
5. White Men Can't Jump: 2nd Quarter - WMCJ is one of my favorite movies of all time and a small part of me would probably die if WWE did ever put their spin on it, but if so, this thing has to star The Miz and Kofi Kingston. The bizarre story where they are friends, then Miz turns, and WWE realizes they messed up and makes then partners again makes this one easy to right. Plus Kofi is an athletic freak and Miz fits the idea of a "slow, white, geeky, chump."
4. Titanic: Bigger, Better, Badder - Vince McMahon stars as the architect of the new massive ship with HHH starring as The Captain. For the romance angle, AJ Lee as the lead female, Daniel Bryan as the man that loves her, and Alberto Del Rio as the rich bastard that things he owns her.
3. Space Jam: Fight for the Universe - You know they have to do an animated/live action film at some point and what way to get in with the little kids than John Cena teaming with Bugs Bunny to take on a new batch of MonStars from Outer Space inside a wrestling ring.
2. Gladiator Returns: The Reign of Roman - Dude is going to end up in a WWE movie eventually and I could totally see them having dollar signs in their eyes when they put 2 and 2 together that Roman Reigns needs to be a Gladiator fighting for his life and family during the Roman Empire.
1. SuperMan vs. Batman: Round 2 - When this topic first came up I immediately thought of what might be WWE's dream script. Of course nobody would be dumb enough to turn this franchise over to the WWE, but you know they would kill to gave Cena as Superman and Orton as Batman. You can then toss in other WWE stars to fill in villain roles if you wish: Ambrose as The Joker, Heyman as The Penguin, Lesnar as Bane, and bring Angle back as Lex Luthor.
5. Ric Flair in "The Wrestler 2" - Ahem, fuck Randy "the Ram"! Arnofsky busted his ass off and created himself a masterpiece with the Wrestler. As good as it is and as close to home as it feels, it's still grounded in fiction. Who else has had a career with the highest of ups, and the lowest of downs, excluding someone named Benoit, other than Ric Flair? Many know part of the story, hell, most of it is available by some useful Google searches. How about one big biopic giving us a look at one of wrestling's greatest in-ring careers, and one of it's biggest fall from grace in a financial and somewhat personal level.
4. Sheamus in "Powder 2" - Come on, he's perfect for it! Powder returns to us, except now he's somewhat Irish yet still white as can be. He's back for another round of self-discovery, teaching everyone how great life can be, and healing deer. Magnetic, and electrical powers return, along with an "Arse" kicking attitude.
3. The Great Khali in "My Giant 2" - If anyone is crazy enough to setup a sequel to this piece of 90's cinema, it would be WWE Studios. Budget might be an issue, so Billy Crystal is out of the question. Insert Michael Cole, he finds Khali during a trip to India, sees dollar signs and potential. Cole's brilliant plan is to make Khali a pro-wrestler, and give him a run as the World Heavyweight Champion, hilarity ensues.
2. The Wyatt Family in "Deliverance 2" - First off, let me get this out of the way, yes there will be man rape in this one. What's creepier than southern, possibly inbred, rapists? How about southern, possibly inbred, rapists that have found their own twisted version of god? A camping trip gone to hell, all thanks to Bray Wyatt, and his demented, man-raping followers.
1. John Cena, Hulk Hogan, Mike Rotunda and Barry Windham "The U.S. Express", Mr. USA Tony Atlas, The Patriot, Sgt. Slaughter, Hacksaw Jim Duggan in "Team America: World Police 2" -"AMERRRRIIICCCCCCAAAAAAAAAA, FUCK YEAH!!!" Forget Trey Parker and Matt Stone, forget the puppets. Think Expendables, but more American! With a well-rounded cast of Americana based wrestlers you have yourself a film that bleeds Red, White and Blue. Hogan is the Stallone of the film, Cena is Statham, Tony Atlas is obviously the Terry Crews of the film, the rest of the guys are, well expendable. This film can even borrow from some current events, like the issues in Syria, Iraq and the middle east. Let's say Daivari, Muhammed Hassan, Iron Shiek and Nikolai Volkoff have joined forces to bring rise to some amalgamation of Middle Eastern, and former Soviet Union super power! Thankfully these colors don't run and it's up to Team America to put a stop to these evil doers! As Tony Schiavone once said, "That'll put a lot of butts in seats".
YOUR TURN KNOW IT ALLS
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Larry Csonka is a Pisces and enjoys rolling at jiu jitsu class with Hotty McBrownbelt, cooking, long walks on the beach, Slingo and the occasional trip to Jack in the Box. He is married to a soulless ginger and has two beautiful daughters who are thankfully not soulless gingers; and is legally allowed to marry people in 35 states. He has been a wrestling fan since 1982 and has been writing for 411 since May 24th, 2004; contributing over 3,000 columns, TV reports and video reviews to the site.