411’s WWE Velocity Report 07.05.03

SOMETHING WITTY TO START WITH
It’s 3:03am as I sit to type this. Not that big of a deal really, but I’m usually further along by this point, or done. And for fun I’ll type in my finishing time at the end so you know just how long this takes me to do (without naps). And I’m covered in egg, but that’s a whole other story for some other website.
Meantime, what can you look forward to here?

Matt Hardy is giving Shannon Moore one last chance to prove that he’s the No. 1 MFer. Matt has challenged Shannon to a one-on-one match this week on Velocity — a little tough love from Version 1. Can Shannon prove to Matt that he’s got enough Mattitude?

In singles competition, Jamie Noble, accompanied by Nidia, battles Spanky.

Plus, we’ll look back at the Zach Gowen & Stephanie McMahon vs. Big Show match, and the WWE Tag Team Title match, from SmackDown!

VELOCITY #59
It’s Josh! It’s the Cat! It’s way more about Zach Gowan! Yup, it’s WWE Velocity!!

MATCH #1: JAMIE NOBLE (w/ NIDIA) v. SPANKY
Referee: Mike Chioda
It’s the $827,000.00 man, Jamie “By Gawd” Noble and Nidia in her genuine imitation mock-mink coat. See? Josh is good for a few lines here and there.

Nidia hits Spanky with her faux mink, distracting him, and Noble attacks him from behind. Two forearms to the face and a head to the turnbuckle from Noble. Short arm clothesline by Noble. Whip to the ring by Noble. Baseball slide by Spanky. What is “bling bling?” Ah you know, jewelry and stuff; stuff that shine. Three forearms to the head by Spanky and he tries for a whip. Noble holds on to the ropes. Three kicks by Spanky to loosen his grip. Duck under by Noble into a chest kick by Spanky. Reversed whip by Noble. Spanky holds on to the rope. Noble charges. Back body over the ropes by Spanky. Noble lands on the apron. Knee off the apron by Spanky. Plancha over the ropes by Spanky on to Noble. Back in the ring Spanky climbs the ropes for a flying cross body. Noble catches in right into an armbar. Spanky doesn’t give in. Spanky gets his feet to the ropes. Noble runs Spanky to the corner and drop kicks him in the back. Armbar take over by Noble and he works the elbow/shoulder area of Spanky’s left arm. Kick to the back by Noble. Perpendicular armbar by Noble. Spanky works up to his feet and uses forearms to the face to break the hold. High knee by Noble. Whip to the corner by Noble. Spanky stops short and hits a clothesline. Back elbow by Noble. Top rope armbar by Noble. Spanky counters with a power bomb. Noble keeps the armbar cinched in. Kicks to the back of the head by Spanky to escape. Spanky goes to the ropes but Nidia trips him up. Single arm DDT by Noble for a 2-count. Reverse hammer lock by Noble. Fall away slam by Spanky to escape. Climb up enziguri by Spanky. 2-count on Noble. Spanky goes for Sliced Bread #2. Noble counters with a clothesline. Spanky ducks and hits a side salto kick to the face. Drop kick by Spanky. Running kick to the head by Spanky for a 2-count. Reversed whip to the corner by Noble followed by a German Suplex. Spanky lands on his feet. Hurricanrana by Spanky. Noble rolls thru for a 2-count. Noble ducks a clothesline. Hits the Paydirt under hook DDT and wraps Spanky into a stretch Nelson choke for the submission.

WINNER: Jamie Noble. (5:46)

RECAP of the Tag Team Title match from SmackDown. Benjamin and Haas won. That’s what compassion gets you, Eddie!

SLAM Of The WEEK: Undertaker distracting John Cena. That’s a SLAM of the WEEK? Where was the actual slam? Cena was rolled-up! There was no slam! Curse you, Burger King!

MATCH #2: SEAN O’HAIRE v. FUNAKI
Referee: Mike Sparks
What about him? What about O’Haire?

O’Haire perches himself atop the top rope, looking bored as Funaki enters the ring. Funaki tries to duck under the lock up but O’Haire grabs him by the hair. Funaki counters into an armbar. O’Haire reverses. Funaki rolls thru to a waist lock. O’Haire breaks the hold. Slap by Funaki. Kick to the chest by O’Haire. Funaki ducks a clothesline and hits a drop kick. Arm drag by Funaki sends O’Haire rolling out of the ring. As O’Haire slides in Funaki hits a sitout drop kick for a 1-count. Clothesline (with his foot) by O’Haire. 2-count on Funaki. Whip to the corner by O’Haire and he follows with a scoop toss. In a neat visual after that, O’Haire slides on his knees up to Funaki. O’Haire pulls Funaki up and kicks him out of the ring. O’Haire follows and rolls Funaki back in. Whip to the ropes by O’Haire. Funaki ducks a clothesline and throws a drop kick. O’Haire blocks it and covers Funaki for a quick 2-count. High knees by O’Haire and he whips Funaki down. Wrist lock by O’Haire and he kicks Funaki in the gut. Kick to the back by O’Haire and a cover for a 2-count. Choke by O’Haire. Funaki works to his feet and punches his way out. Elbow to the head by O’Haire. O’Haire sets up snake eyes but Funaki escapes and hits an enziguri. Bulldog by Funaki for a 2-count. Funaki goes to the top rope for a cross body. O’Haire catches him but Funaki hits a twisting DDT. 2-count on O’Haire. Funaki hits the ropes but O’Haire surprises him with a punch to the face. O’Haire hits the Widowmaker (formerly the Prophecy) for the pin.

WINNER: Quote O’Haire, nevermore. (4:04)

WRESTLEMANIS RECALL: Alice Cooper sics Damien on Jimmy Hart at WM III.

MATCH #3: KANYON v. MIKE BELL
Referee: Jimmy Kordaris
Bell looks like a chunkier Owen Hart.

They circle and lock up. Kanyon forces Bell to the ropes. Clean break? Kind of… Punch, elbow to the back of the head and a whip by Kanyon. Bell blocks a hip toss and hits his own. Bell ducks a clothesline and hits a two-fisted back elbow. Whip by Bell into a power slam for a 2-count. Armbar by Kanyon. Reversal by Bell into a hammerlock. Kanyon gets to the ropes for the break. Test of strength. Kick by Kanyon and a cool jaw breaker, using his calf. Punches in the corner by Kanyon. Off the ropes bulldog by Kanyon. Stomps by Kanyon. Baseball slide by Knayon, sending Bell into the ringpost. 2-count on Bell. Snap mare by Kanyon and he kneels Bell’s face to the mat. 2-count on Bell. Sleeper by Kanyon. Bell gets to his feet and elbows out. Kanyon continues his grip. Side suplex by Bell. Kanyon staggers to the corner. Bell charges. Kanyon moves. Kanyon tries a bulldog by Bell tosses him away. Whip by Bell into a back body drop. Clothesline by Bell. Weak, hopping enziguri by Bell. Bell hits a signature move, the Mid Hudson Bridge (a fallaway slam into a bridge) but Kanyon kicks out. Again Kanyon staggers to the corner. Bell charges but Kanyon gets a boot up. Kanyon ducks a clothesline and hits the Flatliner for the pin.

WINNER: Who Betta? (4:32)

EXTREME BLAST Of The NIGHT: Zach Gowan crotching Mr. McMahon from 2 weeks ago.

RECAP: Stephanie and Zach v. the Big Fat Show. And in a Velocity Exclusive, we get to see Zach celebrating with the crowd.

MATCH #4: MATT HARDY, VERSION 1.0 v. SHANNON MOORE
Referee: Brian Hebner
Matt is giving Shannon one last Chance. Matt likes pepper better than salt.

“Shannon Moore, I have given you every opportunity in the world and you have failed me again, and again, and again. Well tonight is the very final chance for you. Tonight you will prove to me that you have Mattitude, or you don’t.”

Matt starts out by berating Shannon and shoving him around. Matt shoves him to the corner and tears off Shannon’s V1 t-shirt. An unanswered slap by Matt. Shannon finally responds with a flurry of forearms to the face. Club to the back by Matt. Matt whips Shannon to the corner. Running clothesline by Matt. Top rope choke by Matt. Middle rope leg slide by Matt. Matt keeps shoving Shannon to the mat with his foot. Elbows in the corner by Matt. Boot to the gut a forearms by Shannon. Club to the back by Matt. Irish whip by Matt. Spinning heel kick by Shannon. Duck under whip by Matt into the Side Effect. Spinning airplane neckbreaker by Matt. Matt strolls to the ropes and hits a second rope leg drop. 2-count on Shannon. Matt is very nonchalant, walking slowly around the ring. Slap by Matt. They trade punches. Shannon grabs a headlock and clubs Matt’s back. Matt runs Shannon into the turnbuckles. Matt charges. Drop toe hold to the middle turnbuckle by Shannon. Diving neckbreaker by Shannon for a 2-count. Reversed whip to the corner by Matt. Second rope springboard by Shannon for a 2-count. Head to the turnbuckle by Shannon. Shannon tries for a tornado DDT but Matt throws him off. Matt tries for the Twist of Fate but Shannon rolls him up for a 2-count. Reversed whip by Matt. Shannon holds the ropes. Matt charges. Shannon pulls the ropes down, sending Matt out of the ring. Shannon goes to the top rope and hits Matt with the Halo on the outside. Shannon rolls Matt back in and hits a jumping hurricanrana for a 2-count. Small package roll-up by Matt for the pin.

WINNER: Matt (5:26)

After the match Matt shakes Shannon’s hand. Mattitude lives on in it’s original Mfer.

-360 VELOCITY
One year ago this week was Velocity #7 and it was guest-recapped by my brother George. Here’s what he had to deal with:
1. Tajiri beat Kidman after using the green mist
2. Hardcore Holly beat Chavo Guerrero after an Alabama Slam
3. Albert beat Rob Conway
4. Christian beats Mark Henry with a chair and feet on the ropes
5. Jamie Noble beat Hurricane with the Trailer Hitch to retain the Cruiserweight Title
Ha ha, George had to recap five matches! And by laughing at him I’m sure that I’ve just doomed myself in some Velocity-related way…

JAKKED JUKEBOX
It returns! And it reverts to its original name! It may not be a permanent return but it’s here now so revel in its glory!
HELLOWEEN Rabbit Don’t Come Easy
QUEENSRYCHE Tribe. Man do I love getting advance copies of CD’s!
CIRCLE II CIRCLE Watching In Silence. Ex-Savatage singer Zak Steven’s new band.
SEVEN WITCHES Passage To The Other Side. Another band with a Savatage connection; Jack Frost on guitars! Actually, it’s his band.

TIME OUT
I’m done and it’s 4:51. One hour and forty-eight minutes. You’re welcome.