The Wrestling News Experience: 05.05.14
Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.05.2014
News and thoughts on the results from WWE Extreme Rules, a preview for tonight's WWE Raw and more!
Monday May 5th, 2014
From 411Mania's Canadian offices in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
I Bolieve In Bray Wyatt
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I am Stephen Randle, and I mean no disrespect to Adam Rose, but it simply can't be party time all the time. At some point, you have to shut everything down so you can re-stock the alcohol, maybe grab an actual meal, a quick shower, you know, handle the basics. But I guess "Party Time Most Of The Time" isn't quite as catchy. More accurate, though.
As will now be the norm, some things may get skipped due to having to raise a child and watch a PPV at the same time. What? It's not bad parenting, I turn his head away from objectionable content, like blood, sexuality, or matches involving Great Khali.
Sign in the crowd: "Watry Sucks". Hey, why don't you guys ever put any effort into deriding me on live WWE TV?
Pre-Show Match: Hornswoggle vs El Torito - WeeLC Match
It's not, actually it is a midget announcer, but the joke only works one way.
What company would even make steel chairs and easily broken tables sized for little people?
Hornswoggle gets a two-step ladder, but because this is (well, essentially) TLC, he wants the really big ladder! Four whole steps! I don't know why this is funny to me, but it probably doesn't speak well of my character.
Slater goes through a four stack of tables! Jinder and Los Matadores go through two ladders and a couple tables! Drew does a flipping senton (!!!) over the top rope through a table! Why are they using all these high risk bumps on the comedy pre-show match?
El Torito defeated Hornswoggle (pinfall, senton through table)
Seriously, those two midgets and five jobbers took bigger bumps than I suspect we'll see in most of the rest of the matches tonight.
On with the actual show, it's Extreme Rules, because six man tag matches are EXTREME!
Jack Swagger vs Cesaro vs RVD - Triple Threat Elimination Match
Well, I guess it's a stipulation.
Somehow I suspect Heyman has a bet with himself about how long of a rambling story he can tell and still end it with "My client, Brock Lesnar, defeated The Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania!"
Man, RVD looks old. I mean, he looks the same as always, but now it's less that he's relaxed and laid back and more that he's just so very tired.
RVD kicks Cesaro in the head during a Giant Swing, becoming the biggest heel in the match. Not that hard, his competition was Jack Swagger.
RVD eliminated Jack Swagger (pinfall, 5-Star Frog Splash)
Well, that was an interesting combo, as Cesaro did his top rope suplex into the Frog Splash. Reminds me of the old Lo Down finisher, except done by people who the crowd cares about.
And for some reason the crack announce team thinks that was a kick-out, even though the ref clearly counted three, but they keep going on about it because Roberts is really slow on making the elimination announcement. What is this, Taker-Brock?
Cesaro continues to grow more awesome, as he pulls out ROLLING GUTWRENCH SUPLEXES.
RVD goes for a garbage can, because I guess there's No DQ? I know Triple Threat Matches are No DQ, but we're one-on-one now. Somebody find me a rulebook.
Cesaro eliminated RVD to win the Triple Threat Elimination Match (pinfall, Neutralizer)
Alexander Rusev vs R-Truth and Xavier Woods
I've heard suggestions that Woods should start feuding with Damien Sandow and start calling himself "Professor" because of his degrees. Ask a comics fan why that would be awesome.
Actually, I guess you could ask anyone now. I'm still getting used to the idea that nerd culture is the biggest Hollywood draw in history at the moment. Of course, it's still not all sunshine and roses, if you've seen Amazing Spiderman 2.
Rusev is apparently now hailing from Russia, because who the hell knows where Bulgaria is? Lana also dedicates the match to Vladimir Putin. Did the Cold War re-start and I didn't hear about it? I'm almost certain it would have been on Last Week Tonight.
Wait, that's not on until 11. Damn you, HBO!
Woods gets taken out of the match early, which would make this a fair fight. Since Rusev already beat both guys in fair fights, can we skip to the finish? We can? Oh joy!
Alexander Rusev defeated R-Truth and Xavier Woods (Rusev submitted Truth, Accolade)
Is there a reference I'm not getting in Rusev's finisher name? Accolade still means "overwhelming approval" or "general acclaim or applause", right?
Big E (c) vs Bad News Barrett - WWE Intercontinental Championship
Barrett leads a "Bad News" chant, because apparently he's the face. Well, it is New Jersey, they love bad news. I mean, they must. They live in New Jersey.
So apparently they've decided to just beat the crap out of each other. Fair enough. Between Big E, Barrett, Sheamus, and Cesaro, the midcard is full of people who seem to love working incredibly snug. I don't mind, but it seems like it might lead to some shorter careers.
And Big E dives through the middle ropes with a Spear. See, only now, at the end, does he break out the interesting stuff.
Bad News Barrett defeated Big E to win the WWE Intercontinental Championship (pinfall, Bullhammer)
Well, it was pretty much a foregone conclusion, but not an unwelcome one. What about Big E's simmering feud with that loser Titus O'Neal, though? Titus nearly beat him before Big E starting tossing him around the arena on Smackdown!
Evolution vs The Shield
Boy, I wonder how much of that hype video was originally going to contain Flair, before he went "crazy old grampa" on Raw.
Apparently Dave spent the last week growing a decent beard. Dave, you know you're not on hiatus until after this show, right?
Ambrose breaks out a Figure Four! JBL calls it a slap in the face of Evolution, but more importantly, it's a slap in the face of The Miz! Ric Flair passed that move off to him, dammit!
Well, we're headed out into the arena now. So...no countouts? Or are Roman and Dave just supposed to play dead for ten minutes?
And Rollins gives us the ECW Memorial Balcony Dive, as he continues to attempt to die for our amusement.
There was a match going on in the ring at some point, right?
The Shield defeated Evolution (Reigns pinned Batista, Spear)
So, that would put to rest the idea that Batista didn't want to get pinned two straight PPV's before he left, wouldn't it? Or are we just going to pretend that the part-timer really cares if he loses to Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, or anyone else at this point? Seriously, if Batista really could veto losing to Bryan at Payback, wouldn't he have used his powers to go over at Mania?
Oh God, we're going straight from that to this? Wouldn't this be the perfect spot for a Divas match?
Wait, I forgot, the Divas match might not suck. Proceed.
John Cena vs Bray Wyatt - Steel Cage Match
I have a sizeable bet going that Wyatt will use a small child to distract Cena somehow and end up winning. I would be fine with this finish.
I guess Bray agreed not to use his magic teleportation powers during the match to simply escape the cage and win the match. That's gentlemanly of him.
Gee, the Wyatt Family is preventing Cena from leaving the cage. Didn't think this one through, did you, John?
JBL debates whether following someone means you might be brainwashed, and I suppose he would have experience with that as a former Acolyte. I'm still not sure how they managed to shake off The Undertaker's influence and become bodyguards for hire, but perhaps we shouldn't pull on that particular string.
So Cena tries to exit through the door, but Rowan holds the door shut. So, of course he summons the power of being John Cena and nearly shoves away Rowan and Harper before Bray finally makes the save. You know, John, I try to cut you some slack on the Superman stuff, but this is exactly what we're talking about.
Ah yes, Rowan using the classic "Chicken Fight" defense.
I like that they're trying to escape more in this match, since the whole idea is that Cena can't let Wyatt's ideals escape the cage, but I suspect this match will still end in a pinfall.
Oh my God! Even when I made that bet I didn't think they'd actually do it! Creepy small child for the win!
Bray Wyatt defeated John Cena by escaping the cage
Well, that was the right move. Now don't undo it by having another match at the next PPV where Cena ultimately triumphs!
Paige (c) vs Tamina Snuka - WWE Divas Championship
The modified Scorpion Crosslock is a cool-looking submission, but it takes so much work to set up, and Tamina's not exactly the Diva best suited to being put in it. But I suppose you blow one Paige Turner, you end up having to switch finishers.
Paige defeated Tamina Snuka to retain the WWE Divas' Championship
More Wyatts! Was it wrong that I thought that when this played as Paige was celebrating, we were going to suddenly have a fourth, female, Wyatt member?
I'm being told that it was, and that my dreams are stupid.
Creepy Voice Kid isn't going to be a permanent thing, right?
Daniel Bryan (c) vs Kane - Extreme Rules Match - WWE World Heavyweight Championship
So the #1 trend worldwide is "Little Johnny". We really are terrible people. Also, what is with WWE and the whole "Little" thing? R-Truth had Little Jimmy, Heidenreich had...actually, I think that was a Little Johnny too. Maybe it's the same kid! Wasn't Heidenreich originally supposed to be an unfrozen Nazi? Maybe he froze a kid back in 2005 and Bray Wyatt just freed him for this show!
If it sounds like I'm making an excuse to wildly ramble while waiting for the foregone conclusion to this decent although unspectacular match that will hopefully end an uninspired and unnecessary feud, well, good on you for noticing.
Hey, when did Extreme Rules Matches stop being Falls Count Anywhere? Aren't they just the evolution of the old Hardcore match?
And somebody stop Bryan! He's operating a forklift without a license! The local safety inspector will not be pleased!
Man, if I were Kane, sitting on that pallet on the front of a forklift being driven by another wrestler, I would probably be a little scared about all the things that could go wrong.
You know, Kane used words like "atrocity" and "eviscerate" to describe what he was going to do in this match. I don't think I've seen either of those yet.
Well, that table was on fire briefly. It kind of ruins the moment when they leap on Kane with fire extinguishers, but obviously there are safety concerns. Then again, if you're that concerned, maybe don't do flaming table spots.
Daniel Bryan defeated Kane to retain the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (pinfall, Knee Plus)
Wait, Kane sat up? Please tell me this feud isn't continuing.
Overally, well, Bray Wyatt beat John Cena by using a small child against him. I got what I wanted.
Last night, Daniel Bryan put Kane to rest, which wasn't that surprising, since he's beaten Kane like seven times in the last year, but something about a mask and being unleashed, and anyway, that's over with. Let us never speak of it again. Now, hopefully, Daniel Bryan needs new challengers! Who will come forward to face him?
And WWE is a little darker today, because John Cena finally found a force that he couldn't overcome. That's right, thanks to the efforts of the bravest little boy in the entire WWE Universe, Cena was defeated by Bray Wyatt, which means we are now all under Wyatt's control. All glory to the Wyatt Family!
Also, Evolution may be a mystery, but they were certainly solved last night by the outstanding efforts of The Shield. Please don't leave, I've got better jokes than that. Anyway, after getting the band back together failed to get the desired result, what will Triple H's reaction be? I'm betting he's going to place blame somewhere.
Plus, Cesaro is on a roll after defeated RVD and Jack Swagger, Paige is still the Divas Champion, and if you wanted to know who your Intercontinental Champion is, well, I'm afraid I've got some Bad New for you! Oh, and Adam Rose will be bringing the Exotic Express tonight, because it's party time, all the time, on Raw!
HOT: The Shield
I don't think anyone was surprised, but beating three guys who dominated WWE in all aspects for so many years, with a combined 31 World and WWE Championships between them, isn't anything to sneeze at. Maybe they should have let Flair into the match on Evolution's side, just to make the title count even more ridiculous.
NOT: Randy Orton
Dave's getting all the crowd heat and Triple H is getting all the screen time, but what of the guy who was WWE World Champion before WrestleMania? Wasn't the entire reason Evolution fell apart in the first place because Orton wanted to be more than third banana? Of course, with Batista off doing promo work for Guardians, I suppose it's feasible that Orton could be the next opponent for Bryan. Fifth time's the charm for that match, right?
HOT: Bad News Barrett
More than just having a great match with Big E, Barrett seemed legitimately thrilled to become IC Champion, which is surprising since it's actually his fourth time holding the belt. Maybe this time, it'll mean something. Or he could drop it to The Miz again. Hopefully the first one.
NOT: Damien Sandow
First of all, Cole, learn how to pronounce "Magneto". Secondly, I rescind this ranking should Sandow choose to become Magneto full-time. Although that would probably cost WWE a lot of money for no real reason other than because it amuses me, and you'd also have to explain to Vince just who Magneto is, since it's something that's actually huge in pop culture right at this moment.
HOT: Bray Wyatt
Nobody beats John Cena. So when somebody beats John Cena, that moment must be remembered by everyone, forever. Hopefully Cena doesn't just try to laugh it off tonight on Raw, but I suspect, given where they seem to be going, that he won't. It's almost appropriate that with The Undertaker losing at Mania and Kane probably on his way out too, Bray Wyatt has picked the perfect opportunity to rise as the new mystical, almost otherworldly, force in WWE.
It's certainly not his fault, and he's always been a good company guy and decent talent who did everything he was asked, but this whole thing with Bryan is stupid and nobody believed for one second that he'd ever win the title. I mean, come on, it's Kane.
HOT: Paul Heyman
Much like Foley, who once managed to get heel heat by singing Happy Birthday to Sting, Paul Heyman enraged an entire crowd with nothing more than a knock-knock joke. I may not be a genius (I said "may"), but I know it when I see it.
I really used to love RVD. But that is not the RVD we're seeing in WWE right now. Hey, he's earned his due, he's a former champion and legendary performer, and if WWE wants to offer him a Jericho-style contract, that's their right. I just don't see any real reason for him to be there.
Nothing against AJ Lee, but Paige is just on another level, and clearly, the match quality of the Divas division has risen as a result. Would you have bothered watching matches involving Alicia Fox, Aksana, and Tamina Snuka for reasons involving actual wrestling before the last couple of weeks? I don't think so. Even if Alicia Fox has improved to the point where she no longer almost kills people.
NOT: Alexander Rusev
So the best idea they can come up with to get this guy some heat that isn't just generated by his valet is to have him announced as from Russia instead of Bulgaria? Seriously, WWE knows it's not the 1980's, right?
WWE Inactive List as of 04.28.14
- AJ Lee, out indefinitely as of April 14th (R&R)
- Christian, out indefinitely as of March 25th (concussion)
- Darren Young, out 4-6 months as of April 13th (ACL)
- Evan Bourne, out indefinitely as of March 19th, 2012 (foot)
- Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of April 15th (hand)
- Danny Burch, NXT, released from his contract
- Mason Ryan, NXT, released from his contract
- Oliver Gray, NXT, released from his contract
- Racquel Diaz, NXT, released from her contract
- Sarah Backman, NXT, released from her contract
WWE World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
- 29 day reign, defeated Randy Orton and Batista in a Triple Threat match on April 6th (WrestleMania XXX)
**NEW** WWE Intercontinental Champion: Bad News Barrett
- 1 day reign, defeated Big E on May 4th (WWE Extreme Rules)
WWE United States Champion: Dean Ambrose
- 352 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston on May 19th (Extreme Rules PPV)
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Usos
- 63 day reign, defeated The New Age Outlaws on March 3rd (Raw)
WWE Divas' Champion: Paige
- 28 day reign, defeated AJ Lee on April 7th (Raw)
WWE NXT Champion: Adrian Neville
- 67 day reign, defeated Bo Dallas in a Ladder Match on February 27th (NXT ArRIVAL PPV)
WWE NXT Tag Team Champions: The Ascension
- 208 day reign, defeated Corey Graves and Adrian Neville on October 2nd NXT
WWE NXT Women's Champion: VACANT
- former champion Paige vacated the championship on April 24th NXT
- Next title match: Tournament Finals, NXT Takeover
On the latest After Dark, I preview Extreme Rules in exhaustive detail, plus look back at the highs and lows of the last Raw before the big show! Hey, what's Big Show doing, anyway? Has he been on Raw in a while? How weird is it that I haven't noticed he's gone missing until now? Anyway, there isn't more to the preview, I just wanted to fill space so it seemed more important.
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 8 pm EDT.
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Here it is, your Moment of Buddy.
The Dog Killed A Mouse The Other Day.
They Wondered Why I Didn't Get It First.
In My Defense, I Didn't Care.