Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 12.29.05: The Hyatt Awards

Posted by Ryan Byers on 12.29.2005

Everybody else is doing a year in review column, why can't I?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. I hope that everybody enjoyed both Christmas and Chanukah this year. I know that I certainly did. This week, we'll be taking a look at the year that was in Cheap Wrestling by presenting the first ever HYATT AWARDS~! They are, of course, named after the legendary Missy Hyatt. Why? Because she was perhaps the cheapest woman ever to set foot in to professional wrestling. The awards named in Missy's honor should be a great way for those of you who may have missed part of this column's run to review some of the Cheap Wrestling tips that I gave out in 2005, most of which are still available today.

Category Number One: Cheap Match of the Year

Though it's generally best to get the most bang for your buck, there are periodically single matches so good that they justify purchasing an entire DVD or video tape. Our first category takes a look at the bouts that got the best star ratings from yours truly this year, all of which are worth paying ten to twelve dollars to see.

Second Runner Up

The Match: Mark Briscoe vs. Jay Briscoe
The Company: Ring of Honor
The Tape: Honor Invades Boston
The Original Column: 7-28-05.

The Review:

It's time for your classic brother versus brother match, with the storyline being that Mark has been unable to compete in ROH thusfar because he is under an age limit set by the Pennsylvania State Athletic Commission, and he's incredibly jealous of Jay as a result. So, for the company's first show outside of Philadelphia, Jay challenged Mark to a match in order to determine who the better Briscoe is. It's a good thing that he wasn't attempting to determine the better looking Briscoe, because that'd be like holding a contest for the world's liveliest corpse.
The boys trade slaps to start, which is oh so manly. An amateur wrestling sequence follows, culminating with Mark applying a cross arm breaker. Jay counters and gets a series of clubbing forearms before applying a choke. Mark reverses that in to a surfboard before rolling over in to an ankle lock, which Jay turns in to a heel hook. Mark then reverses THAT, going to the Indian deathlock. That gets turned in to a Fujiwara armbar, but Jay rolls through, only to get arm dragged. Jay is up quickly, and, after many more reversals, winds up with an armbar on his younger brother. That turns in to a rope runner sequence, which is capped off by a Mark Briscoe Northern lights suplex for two.

More chain wrestling down on the mat follows, with Jay scoring a Yakuza kick when it ends. Mark heads to the floor and Jay follows, getting sent repeatedly in to the guardrail, apron, and ring post for his trouble. That busts Jay open, and Mark stays right on top of him with a belly to belly suplex when they get back in to the ring. Mark then goes to the headscissors, but Jay is out quickly. It doesn't do him much good, however, as Mark keeps working on the head wound with his fists and feet. A Hashimoto-esque DDT is next, but Jay ducks under a lariat and stomps his brother's hand before hitting a gordbuster. Jay heads up to the top rope, but Mark cuts him off and gets a bitchin' springboard Ace Crusher from the second rope. Surprisingly, it only gets a two count.

Mark then goes back to the head, dropping a series of knees and then landing a huge running kneelift in the corner. That sets up a tombstone, but Jay manages to roll out of the way of a top rope kneedrop and catches his brother with a pair of dragon screws. Jay then reaptedly drops his weight on to the injured leg and dropkicks his sibling in the face. A big backbreaker looks to set up a Jay Briscoe lariat, but Mark ducks under and gets a head and shoulder suplex. Jay goes to the outside and dodges a dive attempt by Mark, which hurts the knee even more. A low blow gives the advantage back to Mark, though, and he gets a missile dropkick when the two get back in the ring. (And he earns MAJOR bonus points by grasping his knee in midair to sell the injury.) Mark then manages to reverse his brother's J-Driller, only to get splattered with a nice powerbomb.

Mark then reverses a full nelson, going behind and landing a German suplex. A dragon suplex follows for the younger brother, and a fisherman buster should just about kill Jay at this point. Mark makes the cardinal mistake of going up top instead of going for the pinfall, though, and he has to take extra time because of the knee injury. That gives Jay time to move and hit a DVD, cradling his man for two. After that, the two brothers counter each other's finishers, ending with Jay landing a nasty looking piledriver. It's then Jay's turn to miss a top rope move, as he splatters off of a senton. That gives Mark the opening he needs, as he connects with another big knee to Jay's head and then hits his Cutthroat Driver for the three count.

Match Thoughts: This one was off the charts, ladies and gentlemen. It's been years since I've seen a match that was this smartly worked. It all started with Mark busting his brother open and then staying on the wound throughout the match, even allowing the injury to play in to the finish with the knee to the head/Cutthroat Driver combo. Jay valiantly fought back in ways that made a lot of sense, first taking out Mark's hand after repeated punching and then going for his leg after the kneedrop series. Mark sold it all like a champ as well, even remembering to shake out his hand after hitting a chop or hold his knee while climbing the top ropes. They went out there and wrestled like they were participating in a sport that involved actual strategy, and I commend both men for that. The only negatives I can think of in this match were: a.) they went a little overboard with the head drop moves towards the end and b.) Mark lacked the heel charisma to put himself completely over the top as a bad guy. Both of those, however, are smaller points that don't prevent this match from reaching ****1/4.

First Runner Up

The Match: Chris Benoit vs. Dean Malenko
The Company: WCW
The Tape: Hogg Wild
The Original Column: 9-22-05.

The Review:

The match is an extension of the Four Horsemen/Dungeon of Doom feud, as DOD manager Jimmy Hart has hired Malenko as an independent contractor to take out Benoit. I'd think it would be a lot more efficient to have the five or six guys who were already in the stable jump the guy and kick the crap out of him . . . but I'm not a Hall of Fame caliber manager, so what do I know?

The two men start things off fast and furious, going back and forth with all sorts of chops, punches, and knees. Malenko gets the first real advantage of the match, ramming Benoit's head in to the turnbuckle and hitting a series of kneelifts, a vertical suplex, and the Rude Awakening. With his opponent amply softened up, the Iceman applies the reverse chinlock. Benoit elbows out of that, however, and he chokes his opponent on the ropes before landing a legdrop and aback elbow. Malenko bridges out of the ensuing pinfall and then, just to show off even more, he kips up. This leads in to the fish out of water sequence, which features both men bridging out of pinfall attempts as well as several other fun reversals, culminating with a Malenko backslide. He stays on top of his man with an armdrag and a short arm scissors, but now it's the Crippler's turn to show off, as he stands up with Malenko still clinging to his arm, pulls Deano up over his head, and slams him.

The Wolverine stays on his man (that is how he got the name, after all) by hitting him with a snap suplex and applying the abdominal stretch, though Malenko quickly armdrags his way out of that one. He can't get an advantage, though, as Benoit lands an armdrag of his own and then goes to the chinlock. Dean makes sure that he doesn't remain in the hold for long, though, and soon enough the two men are punching each other rapidly before running the ropes, where they collide with simultaneous cross body blocks. Malenko manages to recover first and heads up to the top rope, but Benoit blocks his attempt at a double axe handle. That leads in to another snap suplex, which provides the setup for Chris' diving headbutt . . . which only gets two! When Benoit shakes the cobwebs away he attempts to end the match with a tombstone, but Malenko reverses that in to one of his own for another nearfall. Moments later he attempts to apply the Texas Clover Leaf, but Benoit turns it in to an inside cradle and gets himself a two count.

The Man of 1,000 holds stays on the offensive, though, hitting a cross body that sends both men over the top rope. They sell the impact for a while, and Benoit is eventually sent in to the ring post. Malenko rolls his man back in and tries to go to the top rope once more, but Benoit stops him and hits a VICIOUS superplex. Both men were standing on the top rope, and it looks like Benoit tried to snap it a little too much, as he landed flat on his head. Regardless, he gets up to his feet first and works a powerslam in to the match, but it can only get a two count. The Crippler then looks for one of his German suplexes, but Malenko performs a standing switch and DRILLS Benoit with his own version of the move. It can't get three, though, and now the duo trades clotheslines. When that is over with, Dean pulls out a Northern lights suplex for his next nearfall, though Benoit quickly responds with the same.

The former Wild Pegasus stays on top as well, hitting a German of his own and then applying the Liontamer. (Chris Jericho's debut was still a few months off, so the move was fair game.) Malenko eventually makes the ropes, but Benoit knocks him out of the ring and comes down on top of him with a pescada. Malenko's back is then rammed in to the ring apron, but he rallies upon returning to the ring, reversing a German suplex in to a victory roll for two. Dean gets two more nearfalls off of a backslide and a schoolboy, but Benoit cuts his offense off with a powerbomb. Chris looks to capitalizes by going to the top once more, but Malenko gets in his way and hits his own version of the superplex, which didn't look nearly as dangerous as his opponent's. It still gets two, as does an Oklahoma roll. Malenko then decides to go for another high impact move, flattening his man with a powerbomb. However, one second before the referee can log a three count, the match's time limit expires.

For whatever reason, referee Nick Patrick decides that we must have a winner and sends the match in to a five minute overtime. Benoit opens up the period with a backdrop suplex and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before applying his own version of the Texas Cloverleaf. Malenko remains in the move forever, which is odd since he's essentially watering down his own finisher by doing so. The Crippler eventually just drops the hold since Malenko would not submit and goes after his man . . . only to be hit by a pop-up enzuguri from the Dungeon of Doom's hired gun. However, the two men knock heads when they run the ropes, and that sets up a double KO spot. Since he's taken less of a beating in the overtime, Benoit is the first man to recover and continues to work on Malenko's leg after having successfully applied the cloverleaf for so long. He slaps on a leg grapevine, but Dean rolls out of the move and then rolls his opponent up . . . only to have the time limit expire at the two count again.

Nick Patrick, presumably in tune with what the fans want, calls for a second five minute overtime. Benoit gets Malenko up for a back body drop, but he walks in to a dragon screw from Dean when he tries to follow up. Malenko then looks for a clothesline, but Benoit ducks under and catches him with a DRAGON SUPLEX~! Not even THAT is a finish the bizarre parallel universe that this match has come from, however. Benoit then missses with a dropkick, which gives Malenko the opportunity to apply the Clover Leaf once more. He then has the presence of mind to switch it to an STF when Woman begins grabbing at his legs. However, the manager does eventually get ahold of Dean's arm, which distracts him long enough for Benoit to sneak in a rollup. That wins the match for him at 26:55.

Match Thoughts: It's Benoit/Malenko. This is a wrestling column on the internet. Do you really need to ASK me what my opinion is?

Okay, so I'm kidding. The match here was generally very well worked with a lot of high impact offense that looked very good thanks in part to the two men's familiarity with one another. It also had a very subtle storyline that even the announcers failed to pick up on. Both men seemingly went in there with the goal of establishing that they were the mirror image of one another: similar in size, strength, technical ability, and any other factor that you might be able to think of. This was reflected not only in the back and forth flow of offense but also the fact that you'd often see one man hitting a move unsuccessfully and then the other man hitting the same move with the same result. It was the perfect way to building up Benoit/Malenko as a feud that must continue.

Of course, a lot of people will dislike the finish, given that outside interference is supposed to mar any technical masterpiece like this one. However, I really didn't mind Woman factoring in to the decision. Why? First of all, it further put over the notion that the two men are more evenly matched than any other pairing in WCW. Yeah, Benoit won, but he needed outside help to finally pull it off. Furthermore, Malenko presumably had his opponent beaten at two other points in the match, only to have the time limit expire one second before a three count could be logged. Thus, his losing due to Woman's distraction adds more fuel to a potential feud and gets the audience behind Malenko.

This is one of the few matches I've seen in the "Big Two" that simultaneously accomplishes the goals of a.) building to a future encounter and b.) standing on its own as an excellent match. I do want to refrain from giving it the highest marks possible just because it had that "build up" aspect, but I'm still going to give it ****1/2

The Winner

The Match: Sgt. Slaughter vs. Pat Patterson in a Boot Camp Match
The Company: WWF
The Tape: WWE Hall of Fame 2004
The Original Column: 8-4-05.

The Review:

For those of you who don't know, this match came to be when Slaughter was challenging anybody to break his Cobra Clutch submission hold. Patterson was semi-retired and doing announcing at the time, and his answering Sarge's challenge lead to a rivalry culminating in this bout, which is no holds barred and has no referee inside the ring. On commentary, both men say that they went in to the match unsure of how they would it end with no ref, though that statement seems a bit suspect.

Patterson ambushes Slaughter as soon as he gets in to the ring, stomping him on the announcer's table and whipping him repeatedly with a belt. Some choking with the belt follows, but Sarge manages to slip free and toss his man from the ring. It doesn't phase Pat, though, as he comes back with more belt shots before getting gouged in the eyes. Slaughter gets ahold of the belt at this point and hits a clothesline using the clothing. At this point he rips off Patterson's t-shirt and chokes him with it, which causes me to bite my pillow tongue to keep from making all kinds of easy jokes. Patterson gets out of the choke hold in short order though, charging towards the ropes and then ducking down to rocket Sarge out of the ring. When Slaughter gets back in, he tries coming off the top with a big boot, only to have Patterson roll out of the way. The French Canadian takes advantage of the opening, slamming his opponent and land two brutal kneedrops from the second rope. Sarge goes to the eyes to turn the tables, and he tosses Patterson out of the ring before sending him head first in to the ring apron.

It's at this point that things take off in to a whole different level. Patterson gets back in the ring and double legs Sarge, setting up a slingshot that flings Slaughter head first in to the ring post. That's the setup for one of the top five goriest bladejobs in history. All those "hardcore" punks wrestling in their backyards would sell their four limbs to replicate juice like this. Slaughter gets in a low blow to stay in the game, and then he produces a set of brass knux. Patterson hulks up before they can be used, though, and Slaughter is then sent to the post again. At this point, Pat takes off his boot and CLOBBERS Sarge with it before going batshit insane. I try not to swear in this columns, but there's no other way to describe it. Patterson alternates between hitting his man in the head with the ringpost and the boot three more times, with Sarge falling off the apron and creaming a cameraman on the third one. Then, as Slaughter attempts to get back in to the ring, Patterson unloads and corks him in the head with the boot six more times. None of the shots are weak, either . . . they're all very believable and make me never want to meet Pat Patterson in a dark alley. Ernie Roth apparently shares my beliefs, as he throws in the towel for his protege at 14:09.

Match Thoughts: On their commentary track, Patterson and Slaughter try to put this one over like it was the first match of its kind and a true classic. The first half of that is a bald faced lie, as Jackie Fargo was doing insane brawls in Memphis for years prior to this bout. The latter half of that statement, however, is the truth. This is one of those rare grudge matches in which everything comes together and you're truly able to lose yourself, becoming a part of the ruse and believing that these two coworkers hate and want to maim each other. Patterson, as a part timer at this point, needed to do something huge to credibly go over Slaughter without damaging the Sarge's credibility, and the incredibly violent crescendo here with boot and post shots abounding more than did the trick. In fact, it catapulted this match in to its on special place in wrestling lore, which it truly deserves. ****1/2

So a match that's over twenty years old winds up being the best one that I reviewed all year long. Hmmm, maybe that should be looked at as a reflection of today's wrestling industry. Nah. Anyway, here's the award that we've got lined up for our winners:



God, that's lovely. I tried to get ahold of Pat Patterson so that he could provide us with an acceptance speech, but I must have had the wrong phone number. The guy doing the answering machine message sounded a lot more like the Brooklyn Brawler . . . and surely men of that age wouldn't need roommates in order to make the rent, right?

Category Number Two: Tape/DVD of the Year

Well, I hope the concept behind this one is easy enough to figure out. The top videos of the year will be determined by the average star ratings of the matches on the tape/DVD, with ties being broken by overall entertainment value of the product. I definitely looked at some great releases this year, so the competition will be tight.

Second Runner Up

The Tape: Grudge Matches
The Company: WWF
The Average Rating: **1/4
The Original Column: 6-5-05.

The 411:

Because this tape focuses on the more violent, faster paced grudge matches of the 1970's and the 1980's, modern fans will get to see older matches that more closely resemble what they're used to seeing on television today that still aren't completely without their old school charm. Meanwhile, individuals who were fans back in the 70's and 80's will be able to look back on a few of their old favorites. Plus, even if you're not a workrate freak, it's a good video to pick up because it includes perhaps the single most famous match of all time [Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs. Roddy Piper & Paul Orndorff – Wrestlemania], as well as one of the better remembered IC Title bouts of all time [Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana – Steel Cage Match]. Simply put, there should be something for just about everybody on this tape, and I would highly recommend picking it up if you can find a copy either on eBay or in a local video store.

I suppose the only real knock on the video is that two of the more important matches on it are available elsewhere with better video quality. However, if you plan on using that argument to pass on this release, remember that what I rated as the best match on the show [Billy Graham vs. Bruno Sammartino – Gorilla Monsoon as Guest Referee] is, as far as I am aware, not available anywhere else.

My thumbs go way up for WWF Grudge Matches, especially if you can find it at a cut rate.

First Runner Up

The Tape: 88 Miles Per Hour
The Company: Pro Wrestling Guerrila
The Average Rating: **1/4
The Original Column: 10-13-05.

The 411:

Purely in terms of star ratings, this is the single most consistent event that I have reviewed for the column. It seems like every single man on the show went out there with his working shoes on. Nobody dogged it, and everybody working on the show had what I would consider to be an above average level of talent, so the whole show came off quite well. Furthermore, not only is 88 Miles Per Hour a good wrestling show, but it is also a different wrestling show. Just reading the play by play will tell you that it's nothing like the product that WWE is currently producing. Furthermore, even among the cards being put on by indy promotions, it is unique. The show doesn't focus on emulating WWE style or center on the American strong style brought to prominence by ROH. Instead, you've got a nice fusion of American wrestling and lucharesua, with just a hint of comedy wrestling thrown in as well. Put all of those elements together and you've got something truly unique. It's definitely one of the more entertaining pieces of my wrestling collection.

And, just think, all I had to do for it is part ways with a tape highlighted by Tito Santana and Skinner trading chinlocks for fifteen straight minutes . . . not a bad deal at all.

The Winner

The Tape: Yokohama Deathmatch
The Company: FMW
The Average Rating: **3/4
The Original Column: 10-13-05.

The 411:

For individuals not familiar with FMW, this event will have a great deal of novelty value. You get to see what exactly Mick Foley was doing in Japan, a hardcore match from a genre that really made ECW what it was, and a female deathmatch, which is a definite oddity in the states. However, for more seasoned wrestling fans, there is much more than just novelty present. As I stated previously, the Hayabusa/Ganosuke angle is a thing of beauty, and I'd be amazed if there were any long-time wrestling fans out there who didn't love it. (Well, it did get silly in its later stages, but in the early going, it was excellent.) Not only that, but the match used to further the angle shown here was solid. On top of that, you get what is perhaps my favorite deathmatch of all time, perhaps one of the best integrations of actual wrestling psychology in to that genre. FMW tapes aren't just a good way to see violent, athletic wrestling. They're perhaps one of the best ways to view wrestling as a legitimate form of theater.

With the exception of Ring of Honor, I have to give this the highest recommendation of any tape I've reviewed on 411 thusfar.

And thus FMW takes home the second ever Hyatt Award.



God, it's like even her face has ghonorrea.

Category Number Three: The World's Cheapest Worker

We've looked at matches. We've looked at full shows. What's left besides the wrestlers themselves? The World's Cheapest Worker award attempts to determine which wrestler generally gives you the best performances with the least amount of money. If you see this guy's (or girl's) name on the back of a box, you're promised some good action.

How do we make this determination? I've taken all of the match ratings that I've done in my reviews and compiled an average match rating for every wrestler involved. The individual with the highest average takes home the trophy.

Second Runner Up

The Wrestler: Low Ki
Average Star Rating: 2.90 Stars in 6 Matches
Best Performance: ***3/4 (vs. AJ Styles, ROH Honor Invades Boston)
Worst Performance: **3/4 (vs. Brad Bradley, ROH Honor Invades Boston

Though I'm often suspect of just how much he wants to get his opponents over as opposed to just getting himself over, there's no doubt that Low Ki is an individual who brings the goods when he's in the wrestling ring. He's also particularly easy to find giving quality performances on cheap releases, thanks in large part to promotions like ROH and 3PW. Plus, based on his excellent reputation, Ki is a guy that every indy promotion wants to bring in when it's running a "big" show, so he's often found on smaller companies' cards that can be easily found on either the internet or in speciality stores.

First Runner Up

The Wrestler: "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
Average Star Rating: 3.19 Stars in 4 Matches
Best Performance: ***3/4 (vs. Christopher Daniels, ROH Round Robin Challenge)
Worst Performance: * (vs. Chris Divine, PWG 88 Miles Per Hour

Bryan Danielson made this list almost exclusively on the strength of his work with Ring of Honor, especially on the uber-cheap ROH DVDs that were released by Takdeown Masters. However, this Shawn Michaels trainee also pops up in other places from time to time, most notably on Pro Wrestling Guerilla shows. He is currently the greatest mat technician who calls the United States home, so you should definitely check him out if you've got an opportunity to do it for only a few bucks.

The Winner

The Wrestler: Kurt Angle
Average Star Rating: 3.38 Stars in 3 Matches
Best Performance: **** (vs. Eddy Guerrero, Wrestlemnaia XX)
Worst Performance: ** (vs. Triple H, WWF No Way Out 2002

Barely edging out Dragon is YOUR Olympic Hero. Though WWE products are never cheap in brick and mortar stores, eBay allows plenty of cheap access to the world's largest wrestling promotion. With such access, it's easy to assemble a great Kurt Angle collection. It's been said of the man that he almost never has a bad match, and it definitely shows. His is a career that you will want to preserve on DVD, my friends. Years of excellent work complied on endless hours of WWE home videos earn the former freestyle wrestler one of these . . .



. . . though I don't know what he'll actually do with it. Well, I know what he'll probably do with it, but I don't know why any man would actually want to.

And, on that disgusting note, our Cheap Wrestling year in review piece comes to a close. Yes, this was primarily an excuse for me to take a week off without actually taking a week off. However, I'll be back in just seven short days with your next full edition of Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. A good time will be had by all.