Truth B Told 12.30.05: Year End Rant
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 12.30.2005
I’m gonna piss a lot of people off this week
You got 2 more days until 2006 people. So get off your asses and try to get some of those last second 2005 resolutions off your list. I know its too late to start spending time with your kids now, but maybe you can at least play a game of Candyland with them during the commercials while you're watching the TNA New Year's Eve special. Losing that 10 lbs isn't going to happen in the next 36 hours, but perhaps you can SKIP Biggie sizing that Quadruple Big Bacon classic at Wendy's for dinner today and substitute oatmeal for that Bacon smoothie tomorrow morning. Lastly, I realize tryin' to cut down the times you flog the dolphin to no more than 3 times a day is difficult, but Stacy Keibler hasn't been on TV in months so that should have helped. Then again Victoria, Trish, and Mickie are still there… maybe you can just flip over to TNA instead and watch Gail Kim…I mean, Tracy Brooks…I mean. Oh well, 7 more times this year and that's it. You'll work on it next year…SINNER.
Seems like the popular thing to do is to do this Best of… or Worst of… type thing in the last columns of the year. Well I'm going to tweak that idea abit and do a Truths of 2005 special edition today. We're going to be talking about those dirty little secrets no one really wants to talk about. Like how Stephanie McMahon got her implants enlarged recently because she could no longer keep up with Triple H's Double D's. Or the true reason that Jim Cornette was fired from OVW…I don't want to give it away but it sounds like akefay emstay ellsay esearchray.
Its time to speak on a few things that have been on my mind and Gosh Golly Darn It, its time to spit a little truth at y'all. Tracy Brooks sometimes suffers from man-face
I can almost count down the days till Cook sends me a virus through my e-mail, but it's true. You take a look at some of her close ups and she has this weird "Chyna thing" going on with her face sometimes, its all in the cheek bones and chin. She has these really sharp and angular cheeks and chin, like you could grate parmesan on her face. Granted I still think overall from neck to ankle she's pretty hot, she's been surpassed as the choicest piece of tail in TNA. Could be worse though, cuz' Trinity was a serious hatchet face. I wouldn't f*ck her with Randy Orton's dick.
I got a little problem with one of the top dogs in WWE. Personally I think that John Cena is overrated and stale. If the "e" was serious about giving Shelton Benjamin a push their next angle needs to be about how Shelton calls out Cena for being "from the streets"…he's from Massachusetts…how the F*CK is West Newbury "hood"? What? Did Cena used to get jacked for his NKOTB mixed tapes coming home from private school? Its West NEWBURY son…not even South Central Newbury. Worst of all Cena has actually gotten WORSE in the ring since he's been champ. The thing is, Cena is so over and he's selling so much merchandise that there is no way the "e" will drop him as champ. That really wouldn't be smart right now anyways. Still, at some point Cena is going to have to evolve as his character becomes stale. Shoot…everyone always wants to be black…until the cops pull you over.
No one hates to love a pure bread unmitigating a-hole like me, but I gotta admit it, JBL really IS main event worthy . The man is GOLD on the mic. He really has come into his own as a character and a performer. He'll never be a technical wizard in the ring, but he has a certain, asshole-iness that just kinda makes his character so believable. Plus, with all the injuries on Smackdown he has the size and gimmick to really be a main eventer. He's arguably the biggest heel on SD right now and if he ever gets a new "Cabinet", watch out! No I mean, really…watch out, especially if he asks you to pick up his soap in the shower.
Hey, my aunt likes him, so how could I argue against the big man. I might get some heat from some of the staff here, but…The Boogeyman was a good gimmick. The man eats worms and has a smoking staff of mystical powers. What's not to love about that? PLUS, he has the coolest little shuffle since Ickey Woods. Say what you want about the concept or the talent of the wrestler thus far, but the gimmick is over. People are talking about it, and what more can you ask for than that? Especially since it seems like they've jettisoned the "Junior Division" now that the Boogeyman has gotten over. Then again, he might have just eaten Super Porky.
I think we all know that the X-Division is the best thing going in TNA right now so it only makes sense that TNA needs a 4 title belt. I don't care if it's the TV title or X-Tag Title, but they need something to do with all those X guys who are kind of in limbo right now. Sure, a 2nd hour would help, but even if that takes another few months, TNA needs to find a way to feature more than just those 3 titles and without at least something for the mid-carders or new guys to go after, then I fear they are going to lose the ability to get over anyone who didn't come over from WWE or hasn't had a title in the past few months. Then again I also loved the idea of putting up valets as a way to put something on the line in matches when neither guy has a title. I always dreamed about the "Gail Kim on a pole" match. No wait…that was the "Gail Kim on MY pole" match. Damn, its been a long lonely vacation in the Northwest.
So many truths, so little time. In fact lemme just rock a couple more of these truths rapid fire style:
Women's wrestling is dead right now, any McMahon on my screen is sure sign its time to take a piss break, Carlito will NEVER become WWE champion, Christ Masters looks a little smaller lately, Batista looks a lot smaller lately, WWE hasn't had anyone come off the top rope with a cool move since the X-Box 360 still worked, there is officially a shortage of viable tag team in TNA at the moment, Kid Kash is officially too old to be called Kid and too white trash to be called Kash, Paul London and Brian Kendricks will never hit their finishing moves as singles wrestlers again, and soilent green is people.
Oh, I got loads more people, but the column is starting to drift in and out of insanity and let's face it, it's the holiday. Who's actually reading my column this week anyways? Well if you check out my reader mail…no one. If anyone else has a few truths they wanna send by, shoot ‘em over to me, just try not to attack any viruses to the e-mails that condemn me for speaking ill of Ms. Brooks. Trust me, with technology today, I can easily track who sent me a virus from tracybrooksismyreasontobyhandlotion@hotmail.com.
Coming Up Short
The psychology of a move is as important as the application of it. I have never seen an STF used as a way to work a wrestler's leg. It's a damn CHOKE people….a CHOKE. Cena isn't even applying the hold correctly. God, what a f*ckin' ass monkey. The "e" is clearly trying to make John Cena seem less one dimensional, however there is no way in hell I'm believing that Cena is now a capable submission specialist. The "e" needs to stop trying to morph Cena into The Rock. It's absolutely true, they're trying to cross him over into movies, give him a weak looking submission move (sharpshooter), and if memory serves me, he should be debuting as a heel soon in matching leather pants and vest. The Rock was an original, and the concept for John Cena wasn't. Then again, the guy is over, but until they figure out how to make Cena edgier and ignore the heat he's been getting from the crowd, Cena's gimmick is in danger of coming up short.
And Knowing is Half the Battle…
I'm on vacation, I can't be expected to research wrestling factoids while I'm trying to sneak in a last trip to Taco Time or Tini Bigs in Seattle. You people need to start reading the Encyclopedia Britanica or something. Ah hell, if you clicked on my column, I guess I can't turn you away empty handed can I? …or can I?...hmmm. No, I can't, so here you go: Did you know that the past 3 Elimination Chambers have featured exactly 4 former WWE champions in the match? This year we are treated to HBK, Angle, and some other guys in the cage. This year we feature the same dynamic, with only Masters and Carlito never holding the strap. Is this intentional on the part of WWE? Is it a mathematical sign that foretells of the end of the world? Or is it just coincidence? Who knows, but all I can say is that this Elimination Chamber is gearing up to be one of the top 5 EVER. Just below, whatever they could POSSIBLY put on for next year.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
I didn't really expect any reader mail last week, but I was quite surprised to find out that I was RIGHT. Oh well, Fixxer315 chimes in with his own favorite double team moves, none of which include the "shocker" or "wheelbarrow".
Good column. Let me offer a couple of other tag finishers that I've enjoyed over the years:
Vegamatic--Midnight Express. That was a killer move that looked like it could actually hurt, even today.
Au Revoirs--La Resistance: OK, the team was pretty horrible, but they had a very killer finisher.
Torture Rack/Neckbreaker--Storm & Hurricane: Don't know if they used it as a finisher during their brief time together in the fall of 2001, but it was a killer double-team maneuver.
Hart Attack--Hart Foundation: This goes without saying
Total-Elimination--Eliminators: A combonation leg-sweep, spin kick. This was a great move, made even more so by Styles' psychotic call.
Suplex/Splash--Power & Glory: This might have had an official name, but this move was impressive because of its timing, as Herc suplexed the guy, Roma was in the air to land the splash.
Rolling Thunder--Sabu & RVD: Not the rolling splash that RVD does these days, but a combination leg-drop/frog splash from opposite corners. Particularly effecitve when it drives the opponent through tables.
Wipeout--Nova & Chetti: A very nice cobonation leg drop/splash with the two guys jumping from the same corner.
Yes, tag wrestling is a lost art, and the double-team finisher has gone by the wayside.
I'd also like to add on to your trivia question about wrestlers winning a single tag championship after winning the world title: Hogan also qualified, having had a brief tag title run with Edge in 2002.
All good double team moves although I think that we both missed one of the most devastating double team moves in the HISTORY of wrestling: The Sharpshooter, fast bell ring by HBK and Earl Hebner. Absolutely killer. Actually I knew that Hogan had won the tag titles with Edge once, but the list from last year included all ex-champions who had won the tag titles with another former champion so Hulk Hogan doesn't count. Then again, I got the feeling that Edge might be getting that elusive "something" that he's been just on the cusp of finally getting his hands on…and after 6 or 8 weeks and applying a ton of ointment, it should clear up nicely.
Captain Amazo snuck in under the wire and I had to throw him in last second because I can't deny a fellow Festivus lover his 2 mins of fame:
I'm back. I missed last week, because, no joke, I had a Festivus party to plan. And I kicked the Feats of Strength's ass. I\'m not a yella brother, I'm actually really white. And white people aren't allowed to call people "brothers" that aren't actually their brothers, because when white brotherhoods get together, things get lit on fire. Unless John Cena qualifies as a white brother, in which case I don\'t know what to think. And how could you leave out the Demolition Decapitation? That kicks the shit out of the Natural Disaster in my book.
My feat of strength this year? Resisting the urge to start punting children left and right in the mall for running around and unsupervised and almost knocking the Orange Julius from my hand. John Cena qualifies as a "brutha" in the same way that David Stern does, you know…by proxy I guess. In fact, does John Cena even hang out with black folks? His rap videos couldn't be less "street" than if they were shot at an Ambercrombie and Fitch. The Demolition Decapitation you say? Well wasn't it really just a rip off anyways? I found the whole "Demolition" concept kind of sketchy since it was a blatant rip off. Not like the fine gimmicks we have in the WWE today such as: Dicks on a Mission, Ravishing Rob Conway, The Euro Model Sylvan Martel, LoD2K5, The Billy and Chuck Throbs, and big muscle bound hoss that Vince has a hard-on for. Oh, it truly is a golden (shower) age of wrestling.
Left Overs…
Carlito is a heel. Victoria is a heel. Heel man beats up heel woman. Making the man a bigger heel and the woman a bigger face? I don't get the booking here. Then again there is many a man who wouldn't mind getting in the ring with Victoria just to pin her on back to the mat and blow his apple all over her face before he gets up and leaves. Yeah, I'm a pervert, but who wasn't gettin' that visual after they zoomed in to catch the money shot, I mean, apple shrapnel.
Let's run down the booking of RAW. Every Elimination Chamber participants looks weak or less than dominant against a mid-carder except for Kane, who once AGAIN reminds us how much that the tag division sucks. This was a pretty pointless night, I mean, they finally advertise and give us 6 "wrestling matches" and we get left with a big bag of crap and the biggest McMahon self-Blow Job since…um…last week. Damn, that Vince sure is limber.
So we go from "Rabid Trish fan" to "Lesbian stalker" angle with Mickie James. This is ridiculous, what's going to be next to try to reel in all those perverted pre-pubescent teenage boys? Maybe a full on sex scene with Trish and Mickie, rubbing each other down before their match…baby oil glistening, chests heaving, embrassed in a passionate kiss while they explore each and every naughty crevice on each other's bodies?? Damn, that reminds me, I'm outta Kleenix and lotion, time for a Costco run.
Samoa Joe is rumored to be in line for a possible raise since his contract called for possibly renegotiations if his first few months in the company went well. TNA would be insane to let Joe go, although I doubt it will come to that. WWE would probably snap up Joe in a heartbeat and Joe still has a lot of work in Japan, RoH, and the Indy circuit. Plus, even if Samoa Joe was unemployed for any length of time I doubt seeing him in downtown Orange County with a "Will Choke a Bitch for Food" sign would bring in the charity.
Shelton Benjamin's mama is set to debut next week on RAW. Fearing that this angle will go the route of Buff and Judy Bagwell creative is being careful not to overdo it in a cartoonish fashion. Creative has also assured all the boys backstage that this angle won't become a negative stereotype and may have some similarities to the McNabb/Chunky Soup commercials. Shelton's mama is expected to get him to eat a big stack of pancakes with her special syrup before each match while wearing a red bandana around her head and calling her self, Aunt BenJamima.
It is expected that Ken Doane and "Team Spirit" will debut in the next month. For his sake let's hope they debut on RAW. Smackdown isn't as kind to rookies and the phrase "spirit fingers" may have less to do with cheerleading and more to do with a soapy shower encounter with JBL.
Elijah Burke was supposed to be part of the "Team Spirit" angle/stable that is set to be unveiled, however he supposed asked out of it from management for something different down the line. I have every confidence in the world that Burke will be treated fairly by management and debut was an awesome gimmick in the future. I mean the guy is a great athlete, has a dope afro, told management he didn't like their idea, and he's black…what could go wrong?
Booker T has been injured at a recent House Show during his match with Matt Hardy. This could totally deflate the rest of the Best of 7 series with Benoit as there is little doubt that Booker T will be losing the series. The "e" has recently let Batista keep the title while injured so perhaps the same thing could be done with Booker T if creative is planning to let him win the series. Then get double chokeslammed 5 times…through a table…wrapped in barbed wire…that explode. Let's keep those guys healthy WWE.
Christian Cage beat Chris Harris in the main event of Impact last week. The bout was very competitive and provided a glimpse into what we can expect from Christian in the future. If TNA was serious about bringing in more fans they need to have Jarrett do the job at this month's ppv. Then have a massive beat down on him at the end of the match by the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" cast.
On the heels of Stacy Keibler's involvement in "Dancing with the Stars", several other divas and wrestlers are looking to cash In on their notoriety. Jacqueline is scheduled to appear on "Dr. 90210" to undergo a surgery where she turns her into chest into one big "Super Boob", Tammy Sytch is set to audition for season 2 of "Fat Actress", and Bobby Lashley is set to debut his new reality show "Being Monty Brown".
That's its people, I've got 2 hours to pack before I head back to the City of Angels to spend the New Year with the one I love…I hope my girlfriend doesn't find out though. Oh crap, that's right; this gets posted on the net. Well, um if she's reading this then, um…just kidding sweet heart. Heh, heh,….oh crap, looks like I'll be alone again on Saturday night, rockin' in the New Year like Vince McMahon rocked in that Main Event on RAW…I just hope I'm that flexible.
