News From Cook's Corner 01.05.06
Posted by Steve Cook on 01.05.2006
I love you, Texas! Keep that in mind while you're getting the hate mail ready...
Adjusting from a Sunday news report to a Thursday news report has been a little more difficult than I expected. I was used to starting things around Thursday, and now I do absolutely nothing on the weekends and Monday. On Tuesday I might remember I have something to do on Thursday and start thinking about stuff to do for it. Wednesday comes around and I start throwing shit against the wall and whatever sticks ends up in the column. Hopefully when I get back to school and am in more of a mood to actually do work, things will change for the better.
And oddly enough, nobody seems to e-mail in order to tell me when I suck. How come Hayhurst and Csonka get all the heat? I would say it's because I'm so gosh darn likeable, but I know that isn't the case because I've been told otherwise by too many women to count.
Opening Thoughts
I usually don't start things off with a plug, but I'll make an exception this time because it's my shiny new blog! One of the most welcome additions to 411 with our kick ass new design, you can catch my musings on random shit almost every day right there. You can also find it by clicking on my profile over in The 411 section. Mine's towards the bottom, below about 17 guys who have either quit or been fired. I told them "Save the best for last"…so why they put Murrey right behind me I really don't know.
Raw was on Monday and the only thing I can remember from it off the top of my head is Maria getting stripped to her bra and panties. That probably tells you a little something about how my mind operates. As for Smackdown I didn't even bother to watch it. Maybe this week…
*reads spoilers*
Maybe next week!
Of all the ways to start off 2006, I never imagined my way would involve Shannon Moore making a run-in during the main event of a wrestling show. I really need a life so I can write about it in my blog.
College football just isn't college football unless Keith Jackson is doing the play by play. His importance to that sport far surpasses that JR guy in wrestling…he just has the perfect voice for big football games like the Rose Bowl, which in case you didn't know was the biggest game in college football history, if not the biggest sporting event in the history of the world. It depends how much of the hype you want to believe, I guess. But back to my point, Jackon's voice is awesome and there's nothing more fun than imitating it at improper times.
WWE news
WWE has signed Dalip "Giant" Singh. You may remember Singh from his role in "The Longest Yard", or you might remember him as "the talentless fuckwad" that stunk up matches over in Japan and killed a guy while training to be a wrestler. But he's 7'3, so obviously he's qualified to be a WWE superstar, even if Giant Silva had to carry him in matches over in Japan. I'm sure this will work out very well, and wonder who pissed off Vince McMahon enough that he decided to bring in this guy. Singh's headed to OVW, so those guys better watch out.
Another addition to WWE in the past week was Sonny Siaki. It's like they're giving me reasons not to watch, honestly. I was thinking about ways they could use Siaki in WWE…I didn't think there could be many, but from the Home Office in Edgewood, Kentucky…
Top 10 Possible WWE Roles for Sonny Siaki
10. The Rock's half-brother "The Siak"
9. An evil Samoan guy who just beats people up (In your face, Samoa Joe! Or whoever that is, we don't pay attention to that TNA stuff, honest)
8. Part of the new Flying Elvis team along with Paul London and Spanky
7. John Cena's posse member that helps Cena get street cred
6. One-half of "Sonny & Cher", which would be Siaki and some random Diva Search loser
5. Raw General Manager
4. "Sonny McMahon", Vince's long lost illegitimate son he fathered during that first WWWF Intercontinental title tournament in Rio de Janiero
3. Keeps Dusty from clearing out the buffet before anybody else gets to eat
2. Spanish announce table
1. Giant Singh's first opponent
Chris Cage & Mike Mizanin's new tag team will have some type of a punk/skater gimmick. As some of you might remember, the Miz guy was originally scheduled to be teaming with Matt Cappotelli until Cappotelli's brain tumor (any word on that yet?) cancelled those plans. Of course this started when Cage hit him in the back of the head…well played, Mr. Cage. Though I would have held out for a better spot that wasn't part of a tag team because there will never be a viable tag team division in WWE again.
And before the hate mail begins, no I don't know that Cage actually caused Cappotelli's health problems. It's called humor. Humor that makes you think.
Paul Heyman was at the OVW tapings last night and will probably have his contract extended very soon. Cue the rumors that he's coming back to take over booking duties on Raw or SD in 3…2…
PWInsider reported a somewhat interesting thing from last night's Smackdown tapings…an independent worker was kicked out of the locker room for a breach of etiquette. The worker moved Teddy Long's belongings so he could take his "spot" in the locker room and that didn't go over too well. Of course, Matt Striker got kicked out of the SD locker room too and he's getting something resembling a push on Raw. So maybe this guy will have some luck too.
Blackathlete.net named Shelton Benjamin its 2005 African American Wrestler of the Year. Am I the only one who thinks John Cena got screwed here?
Speaking of Shelton Benjamin, his mama is being portrayed by Thea Vidale, who apparently had her own show on ABC in the early 90s. It really creeped me out how Csonka was all like OMG THEA VIDALE about a minute after she appeared. I was like "How do you know this stuff?" and Larry replied "Once they go white, they turn out the light."
Yeah, I don't know what that means either.
Former TNA worker Trinity appeared on the Heat tapings along with some indy chick named Talia in an angle with the Heart Throbs. In case you're unfamiliar with Trinity, she's the girl on the left getting elbowed to the mat by Traci. There are probably pictures that show Trinity in a better light, but I like Traci's outfit in this one best. Sue me.
Team Spirit is now known as the Spirit Squad. Hopefully this is so they can put the initials "SS" on their uniforms and offend the people who remember what SS meant in Nazi Germany. Would you really put it past Vince to do something like that?
Lion's Gate announced that the Kane movie "See No Evil" will be its first movie ever released both on DVD and in theaters on the same day. I've heard of movies going straight to video before, but this is a little ridiculous. Am I wrong to expect this movie to last about two weeks in theaters at the most? Or should I go with a higher estimate like four?
Here's something I haven't done in awhile….John Cena currently has two items in the WWE Shop Top 10. Eddie Guerrero leads the pack with four, and nobody else has more than one. Somehow Edge is in the Top 10 though, so maybe it was just a misprint.
Stacy Keibler is being listed as a 4-1 favorite to win the Dancing with the Stars TV show. First of all, who in the blue hell places bets on a ballroom dancing TV show? I think that might be a pretty good sign you've got a gambling addiction. Second of all, I must laugh at JT because he'll probably have to watch the whole series now. HA HA!
TNA news
The biggest TNA news this week had to be Norman Smiley being backstage at the Impact tapings. Oh how I would mark out if the Big Wiggle returned to my television screen. I'm not even joking, Smiley was a good wrestler and very entertaining. TNA could do a lot worse than bringing him in.
Sting is said to be in great shape. Now you're wondering if I brought up Sting on purpose to follow up the last sentence of the previous paragraph. Heh heh heh heh heh…I'll never tell!
Hiroshi Tanahashi will be coming in to face AJ Styles at the Final Resolution PPV on 1/15.Tanahashi is one of New Japan's up and coming stars…I would be able to find more information on him if I were able to read Japanese. Instead I took four years of French, and all I got out of it was rejection from the many hot chicks in my French classes. C'est la vie.
Or as the Japanese would say: BRAINBUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Country music singer Toby Keith sat in the front row at the Impact tapings. One has to wonder if this means he'll be coming back to take on Jeff Jarrett for his title. After all, they still have heat from that first TNA PPV where Keith eliminated JJ from the Gauntlet for the Gold. Maybe Jarrett wants his win back.
Speaking of Jarrett and heat, he and Dory Funk Jr. finally settled their old score this week. Jarrett was not paid for an appearance he made for Funk's promotion, which led to some bad blood between the two. Dory Funk Jr. is considered by many to be one of the greatest NWA Champions of all time. Jeff Jarrett…well, at least he has a nice guitar.
Samoa Joe's ankle seems to be better after he sprained it at an IWA Mid-South show last weekend. Of course, IWA Mid-South is known for interesting cancellations and injuries…I once sprained my appendix while attending one of their shows. Oddly enough none of the other 25 people in attendance were willing to help me. Bastards.
In TNA related news, TNA fans continue to call WWE Byte This and irritate Todd Grisham by either mentioning TNA or asking him what Vince McMahon thinks about TNA signing Sting. Funny stuff, but somehow I doubt they'd try it if Tazz was hosting the show. Tazz is a little more worthy of our fear than Todd Grisham, even if he weighs well over 300 pounds now.
Other wrestling news
For those of you wondering what happened to former WWE Diva Christy Hemme, she will be appearing in the Lingerie Bowl III as a quarterback. Being in Super Bowl III as a quarterback worked out well for Joe Namath, so we'll see where this goes.
Ron Simmons was inducted into the Orange Bowl Hall of Fame this week. We congratulate Mr. Simmons by saying "Damn." I think that's how he would want it.
That appears to be all the other wrestling news…if you haven't already go read that William Regal interview over at The Sun. Very fascinating.
Who Owned Last Week?
Hopefully 2006 will feature more ownage than 2005 did. We can hope, can't we?
America's Most Wanted - AMW won the first wrestling match of 2006, and James Storm won one of the last matches of 2005 against AJ Styles. Tough to go wrong with something like that.
Chris Hero - Hero is the biggest heel in Ring of Honor, and he doesn't even wrestle for them. For those of you not in tune with what's going on here, Hero has never wrestled in ROH before, but will on January 14th against Bryan Danielson for their title. The message board people hate Hero for some reason, and since they think Jimmy Rave's a great wrestler you know Hero has to be good. You also have love people using their blog to get over as a bad guy like Hero's been doing.
What?
Brock Lesnar - Brock successfully defended his title at the Tokyo Dome on Wednesday despite WWE's best efforts to keep him from doing so. I always love it when people stick it to the man…even when I am the man because I like to stick it to myself. That doesn't sound right, does it? Bad news for him and New Japan Pro Wrestling is that the show didn't exactly fill Tokyo Dome with fans even when they were handing out free tickets at the airport to oncoming tourists. That probably isn't a good sign for them.
MNM - These guys could probably get over pretty well if WWE ever decides whether they want them to be a good tag team or complete bitches. Needing Mark Henry's help isn't so bad except that it's Mark Henry, which is a very bad thing, but they did win the tag team titles last week and just might be able to defend them this week. We shall see how that works out for them.
I was going to include somebody from Raw, but I forgot everything from that show. Whoops.
This Week in Wrestling History
January 7, 1966 – On a cold January night, Gene Kiniski beat the legendary Lou Thesz to win the NWA World Heavyweight Championship in St. Louis, Missouri. Kiniski was known as Canada's Greatest Athlete long before "Iron" Mike Sharpe claimed the moniker. Whether he was in fact the greatest Canadian athlete could be debated, but Kiniski was quite the wrestler and had previously played in the Canadian Football League. He had already been the AWA World champion and had held various other titles before taking the biggest prize of them all from Thesz on this night. He would hold the title for three years before losing it to Dory Funk Jr., who happened to be the son of a man who helped train Kiniski, Dory Funk.
To be honest, I haven't seen any matches with Kiniski in action, but I have seen his son Kelly on the Wrestling Gold collection. I assume Gene was a bit more talented. I do know that he was a terrible referee and managed to ruin the Flair vs. Race Starrcade 1983 main event with his poor excuse for officiating. So I can't say my opinion of Kiniski is all that high, but I don't doubt that he was likely a deserving champion in 1966.
This would be the end of Thesz's last NWA World Title reign. Depending on who you believe, he held the belt somewhere from four to six times, giving him the record until Harley Race broke it with seven in 1983. Not seven in that single year…Russo wasn't booking the NWA title scene at that point. Thesz is considered by many to be the greatest wrestler of all time, combining skill with legitimacy to make the perfect world champion. He competed for the last time in 1991 in a forgettable match with his protégé Masa "My Hero" Chono, competing in seven different decades, a record that has not been broken.
Plugs
Csonka talks about titles and I have to agree with him. It's better to have too few titles than too many.
I made a special guest appearance in Ari's year-end Column of Honor. No hate mail yet because the Rohbots fear me. Oh, and also because I was absolutely correct with each of my top 10 picks.
Newbie Alert: Andy Clark returns to 411 just months after being a Rant Wars 2 finalist. But if he thinks his debut ran a little long, he has no idea what he's in for if he wants to take it to the next level. Muwhahahahahaha.
The Wrestler of the Week was almost somebody who got their hand broken and didn't even have a match. So much for rewarding in-ring excellence, eh?
Dunn names the Top 10 Matches of 2005, and you're not allowed to argue.
Sarnecky continues his look at the history of WWE.
Rodriguez looks at the best of Puerto Rico wrestling in 2005. I will not argue with anything he says. Carlito can wrestle?
For some non-411 reading, go check out my e-fed protégé Ghetto over at Twisted Experience. Yes, I have a protege. What of it?
Finally, JT had the Byte This recap. He thinks I don't take things very seriously. He's probably right.
Final Thought
Damn, that USC vs. Texas game was exciting. It's not often that games like that live up to the hype, but this one certainly did. It was so exciting I had to turn in this column late and now I have nothing to say for my big final thought section of the column.
So, let's make the Texas readers happy by congratulating them for their national championship victory. But, let's make the USC readers happy by telling a lot of jokes about Texas football! We'll include a couple Houston Texans jokes just to piss off Ashish.
What does the average Texas player get on his SATs? .....Drool.
What do you get when you put 32 Texas cheerleaders in one room? .....A full set of teeth.
How do you get a Texas cheerleader into your dorm room? ....Grease her hips and push. (Also helps if you have a salt lick about five feet inside the door.)
How do you get a former Houston Texan off your porch? ...Pay him for the pizza.
Why do the Texas cheerleaders wear bibs? ....To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Why are the Houston Texans like a possum? .....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
What are the longest three years of a Texas football player's life? ......His freshman year.
How many Texas freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? ......None. That's a sophomore course.
Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ......Austin, Texas. He knew that the police would never look at UT for a Heisman Trophy winner.
How do you get the Texas football team to stand for the National Anthem?.....The stadium announcer says "...will the defendants please rise?......."
Why did Texas choose orange as their team color?. .....You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Oh, you know I love you, Texas! I could never hate a state that brought us Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
Marsico's in tomorrow, and I shall be back next week.
