Truth B Told 01.06.06: Bold Predictions for the New Year
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 01.06.2006
Which looked better than the italicized ones I had earlier.
Well Fuck a Duck, Truth B Told is all up in the hizzle for the oh-sizzle. I'm bout to drop it like it's hot for my peeps all up and down West Coast neeeyuckas. See? It's rid-freakin-diculous when I try to sound Black, and I'm actually dark brown already. How the hell does Cena get away with it? Oh well, I guess its only a matter of time before him and Ron "The Truth" Killings get into a fake rapper gang war and cap each other. It is 2000 and muthafuckin' SIX y'all and TBT is ready to roll this year with new and improved dirty jokes and the kind of biased reporting that can only be brought to you by yours truly. So get your floaties, goggles, and nose plugs cuz' we're jumping into some bold predictions for the coming year in wrestling.
Cena will win for the second straight year at Wrestlemania. Not exactly that bold mind you but many people actually expect Cena to lose the belt at the Grand Daddy of them all. Why keep the belt on him? He's lost his edge, he's getting booed, he still sells merchandise, but right now he needs something, perhaps a title chase, to keep him fresh. Plus…he's a wigger. Straight up, I can't believe they can't find SOMEONE to call him out on that…I betcha Shelton's mama would…oh shit..don't u be talkin' bout his mama. But the fact is, Wrestlemania is known for sending the crowd home happy and having at least one big win by a face is in order with two title belts. Of the two champions it makes more sense that Cena would retain because it seems like they may be building for Randy Orton to take the belt from Batista eventually. I say "seems like" because no one has a freaking clue what Smackdown's main event will be. They haven't built anything up yet and Triple H and Cena is the only future feud that has even been hinted at thus far. That is except for the wild card that Edge holds in his little briefcase. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't the WWE title that Edge goes after. A win by Cena at this point means a lot more than a win by Batista, who I expect to hold the belt till WM. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised *wink* if Cena drops it at the following RAW ppv.
Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, or Austin Aries will be holdin' gold in TNA by July. I hate the fact that this isn't getting out until after the Impact! taping because I started thinking of predictions last night, and I don't wanna look like I'm jumping on a bandwagon. Then again, weren't these guys in some kinda stable before? In RoH…hmm…just can't seem to remember what it…oh yeah..GENERATION NEXT. Well I like all of these guys and having seen Shelley and Strong in person they really have a chance to hold X or Tag Team gold. If Tenay convinced TNA officials to add that X-Tag Belt, there here are your first holders. Which brings me to my next prediction.
The next addition to TNA will be either: Jimmy Rave, Jack Evans, or Colt Cabana. Yeah, yeah, I know that Jack was in TNA before but this time he could stick. If they are giving spastic little spot monkeys like Amazing Red a match every now and then, Jack Evans has a place, PLUS, if Gen Next is reforming, why the hell not. Plus, he could also go back the way of Team Canada if he wanted to. I think Rave has a shot because he's still relatively unknown outside of RoH, and Colt just needs some time to show everyone what he can do…with a banana, a garden hose, and a left handed midget named Darlene. But I hear he does some great stuff on the mic and in the ring too. Good times…Great memories…hot midgets with bananas.
Teddy Hart will be back wrestling for one of the big 3 companies by year's end.
As odd as it sounds, he actually has the least chance of working for RoH. But somehow, someway I think Teddy Hart may get a chance in TNA or even WWE by the end of the year. People seem to be enamored with little guys who can flip around and manage to not kill themselves. If anything I think WWE might give him a shot based on…well nothing, WWE just does a lot of crack head signings for some reason. Case in point, the 7' 17" guy out of Japan who was in that Adam Sandler movie. I think it was Happy Gilmore. If Teddy makes it to OVW, he's got a chance. I mean, he'll be half way there…he'll make it. I swear. LIVING ON A PRAYER…on like 2 kilos of crack. Hey, maybe if he goes to TNA he and Hardy can form a tag team called Crack Killz.
TNA will have a primetime weekday slot on either Thursday or Monday by mid-year. Back in the 90's smaller fast food franchises such as Wendy's or Jack in the Box perfected this business strategy whereby they would build a franchise within 2 blocks of a McDonalds or Burger King. The idea is that while the larger chain spent thousands of dollars researching where the best locations are, the smaller franchise would then basically piggy back off of that information and skip ahead to setting up shop. The reason this worked is because usually there were enough customers to satisfy both businesses and this would provide the consumer with enough options that they would keep coming back to that location for consumption. Basically the principal was established that once an area becomes established for providing a certain service, then additional competition could survive based on consumer familiarity and force of habit. People were already going to 4th and Main for burgers, now they just have a choice of 2 or 3 different ones.
This is the reason I think TNA could survive in a Thursday or Monday time slot. They are already established wrestling days. Friday night would be a step up, but not by much for TNA, but if you look at what Spike has on Monday and Thursday they basically have CSI running from 7:00 pm to 10:00 PM and "Spike's Most Amazing Videos" at 10 PM. Now if they just cut one hour of CSI and got rid of that Amazing Videos show they could have a two hour slot. My money would be using the Thursday time slot for now. They wouldn't be losing too many viewers and they are guaranteed to increase the 0.8/0.9 ratings that TNA had been getting. Face it, guys flip channels, we have the attention span of a retarded 5 year old. I'm willing to bet that a Monday time slot would even work because if I had the choice between watching Vince McMahon blow himself about the "Montreal Incident" at 10:50 pm or watch Samoa Joe choke a bitch…I'm pickin' the bitch choking.
Chris Masters and Carlito will be Tag Champs on RAW. Is it really that far fetched? I mean, what the hell else are they going to do with these guys? Plus the "e" has shown willingness to throw together any two guys to create a tag team. Also, they seem to hang out together a lot. They beat down Angle and Cena together, they tag against Flair and HBK together, they go to Smackdown shows to interfere together, they do each other's nails. Clearly the Masterpiece will get the IC strap at some point, but Carlito regaining it may not do much for him. I think both guys could get over, however they still lack the in-ring ability to do much more than just flash a glimpse of potential. Both of their gimmicks are strong and both can hold their own on a mic…for about 1 minute then they need to hand that bad boy to the guy at ring side. Having a miscommunication between Big Show and Kane and allowing these guys a chance to run rough shod over the division would go a long ways. But the real fun will happen when they try to come up with a name for themselves. "Pretty Cool" perhaps? "Fro Masters"? "L.I.M.S" (Lacking In MoveSet)?? I think their finishing move should be when slaps on the Masterlock and Carlito keeps headbutting the guy in the stomach till he taps.
Homocide will be the next RoH champion…unless Colt Cabana gets it first. I am SOOOOO selling out on this one. I couldn't decide who I think should have it more but I'm thinking Homocide should get a turn with the strap. Its his time, and a run in TNA could only help. He's in a pseudo Rotweiller-esque stable now with Apolo and Konnan, and while I'm not against the idea because I don't think any of those guys could get over a singles wrestlers right now, I hope homicide doesn't become the David Young of the group. I think the rivalry Dragon and Homicide had earlier last year was enough to necessitate another confrontation and at this point who else is really ready for the strap? Also, I really dig Colt Cabana and he'd bring some fun to the title, plus I think its only a matter of time before he lands a gig with TNA or WWE, I figure he'll get that chance this year and we all know that any guy going to WWE automatically gets a 2 or 3 month run with the strap, right?
Coming Up Short
When a normal man has a cast on, his opponent can merely touch it and it will cause crippling pain. When a Giant like Big Show has a broken hand, the cast is actually made of adamantium steel. Sweeeeet. That's what I love about WWE, there really are no consistent way to book angles. C'mon. Triple H was basically over-matched size wise and then you even the playing field by giving Big Show a broken hand, besides, its not like he can't chokeslam someone with either hand…he's done countless double chokeslams already. This made no sense whatsoever, except to provide a little drama before Triple H cheats to win the match somehow. Having the broken hand does nothing if it doesn't make Big Show look more vulnerable, then again, there is always the hope that he comes off looking like even MORE of a monster by taking out Triple H with only one hand. Then again…it's HHH. That fool wouldn't let full blown AIDS go over him. The cast is supposed to be the vulnerability of any wrestler, but WWE just conveniently decides when to no sell broken bones. By totally ignoring the obvious physical shortcomings that this angle was supposed to have, the WWE is just coming up short.
And Knowing is Half the Battle…
Samoa Joe has the X-Division title right now and is looking to put a stranglehold on it in the foreseeable future. Literally… that evil mutha would make the title tap like a B*TCH. Christopher Daniels let everyone know that he had held the title for longer than any other X-division wrestler, a shade under 6 months, just beating out Petey Williams by a few weeks. But does anyone know who had the shortest X-Division title run? Kid Kash? Sonny Siaki? Frankie Kazarian? Syxx Pac? Sonny Siaki? Or maybe even Sonny Siaki? Actually it was ECW legend and perpetually overshadowed veteran…Jerry Lynn. That's right, Jerry Lynn held the belt for 12 short days before the belt was basically stolen by Sean Waltman. Lynn later regained the belt and held it for a whopping 1 month and 4 days before "Cocky" Siaki took it from him. Considering there were exactly 4 wrestlers with 14 day reigns, I guess Jerry Lynn could have avoided this dubious honor if only managed to fit in a long weekend in there somewhere during his reign. In case you were wondering, Sonny Siaki actually had the title for 2 months and a day. I'm surprised he managed not to pawn it off in that time to feed his well known donut habit. The only 12 steps Siaki went through were the ones that went to the front door of the nearest Krispy Kreme.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Well good God damn people. I guess we all shook off the holiday slumber and took a little time out of our busy schedule to give your ol' buddy ‘B' a little "what's up". And you know me; if I get it in my inbox I gotta print that bad boy. Having my back on that whole Traci Brooks thing is my homie Charlie:
Just wanted you to know that I read your column every week and it is always awesome. Maybe people don't email you alot because your opinions are on point. Thank you for voicing the Traci Brooks comment. I actually emailed Cook about it, and he was upset with me so I posted an apology on the Message Board. The reality show run down was the best.
I think the reason people don't e-mail me more is because they're afraid if they come up with some harsh criticism that I'll post it and tear them a near hole. That wouldn't happen, I'm not that kinda guy, I'd merely enlarge the hole they already had. I think most of us can be pretty protective of our favorite Divas or Knockouts or…whatever RoH calls their chicks. I know if anyone ever talked poorly of Stacy of Gail…well… I guess I'd just call them gay and hence not offer the hole enlargening as they would probably enjoy it.
Infinitekillz seconds the Tracy Brooks rant.
Hey man, happy new year and all that...I'd just like to say it's about time someone said what I've been thinking for about a year...Tracy Brooks definitely has man-face! I noticed it earlier in the year when they had the Knockouts section on the website, and the only 2 were her and Trinity...no doubt, Tracy is a fuckin goddess compared to that other bitch, but being the hottest chick be default doesn't really count if you\'re the only chick in the company...now, I personally don't think Jackie Gayda looks all that great...yes, she's cute, but so many of these bitches look downright anorexic, and I don't wanna bone a bitch missin a rib! But yea, Gail Kim is one of the hottest bitches ever, so it's all good in the end...As for Tracy, look at some of those pics Cook posts...I mean, you've obviously noticed, the chick looks like she wants to tear some limbs off...I don't like scary bitches like that...As u said, too much cheek and chin...Too much angle!!! Ha Ha...Anyway, season's greetings motherfucker and keep up the good work...1~ RFN
Wow, um, so much to digest there. Tracy actually looks like she might have gotten some facial work done so I'm assuming that perhaps she went a little too drastic, otherwise she has the kinda body that makes you wanna slap yo mama. Jackie Gayda is cute and as long as she works at it, I like that TNA is bringing in more women as accessories until they decide if they really wanna run a whole women's division. As far as "boning a bitch missin' a rib", I don't think that applies here cuz' she would have had to have been de-boned in the first place. Clearly though Jackie Gayda wasn't brought in to capture the African American male demographic…cuz' you know a brutha loves him some ribs. (Btw, I ran that joke past a black friend, she said it was cool…so I'm printing it…suckas)
Fab Ric wants to talk about the state of the WWE, and that state would have to be Delaware………………..Delaware.
I can't believe you said no ones e-mailing you. The truth hurts, but this column rocked. There's a friendly e-mail for ya. I hope Orton does get the title off Batista, since Big (but shrinking) Dave is just too limited now. I can only hope they don't fuck up pushing Carlito, since he is getting really over. Same with Boogeyman, he's completely over. Kid Kash sucks, and the cruiserweight title is worthless.
Yeah, I'm officially off the "no one e-mails me" trip and back on the "waiting for the first pissed off reader to write me" train. And I'm tryin' my best to be an insensitive jerk here people, its not my fault. I really have come to like the heel Orton and feel like its time to give him another shot with the title. Hopefully this would give Batista a little time to heel up, I got all the respect in the world for the guy and his ability to work through pain. Carlito was pretty over on his own, but creative kept spinning his wheels. You either love him or hate him, I'm somewhere in the middle…so I guess that makes me the only one. Cuz' as I said earlier…love or hate…or..u know…hang out in the middle with me. which is cool…we'll order something off the Taco Bell value meal and watch my Thundercats DVD set. Carlito needs some more in-ring work, but right now there is no place in the main event scene for him, hence my tag title suggestion. I think the CW title used to mean something, now Kid Rock has it and we're spinning our wheels. I'd love to see an angle like when Matt Hardy got down to cruiserweight in order to challenge Rey Rey. But this time, how about Animal. Granted…it's more long term booking. Oh who am I kidding, Animal won't be down to cruiserweight until 10 years after he dies.
I was confused as to whether this is a demand or an e-mail address, but feedyourtv writes in breaks his own resolution off the bat. Great, now I bet you aren't going to lose 10 lbs and stop beating your girlfriend and making her tell people she fell down the stairs…of your 1 story house.
By my own rules, I shouldn't be writing this because your column didn't piss me off. In fact, it was pretty amusing. I'd say you have earned the tentative title of "most amusing 411wrestling column". Keep up the horrible toilet humor, it makes the column.
"Most amusing 411wrestling column" you say? Wowsers…no, actually wowsers won't cut it this time, I'm upgrading that to ZOINKS!! I'm really trying to piss people off here, I guess its not working as well as I want it to. Maybe I should bad mouth the troops are tell my little Arab buddy to spit on the statue of Magic Johnson and Sandy Koufax at the staples center. If they had one. Wow, it really IS hard to go fully heel in wrestling. Oh well, at least I can still rock an Ellen DeGeneres haircut and white pants after labor day…slapnutz.
MADMEX wants to talk about his favorite double team moves. Neither of which he saw Jenna Jameson or Kobe Tai have to sell. Damn…this really is all toilet humor…
i don't remember if it was a finisher but there were two lethal combinations from two different tag teams using the same person in both teams. it was used as a double team move a couple of times for sure...: 1. crossface/ankle lock - Benoit & Angle team 2. crossface/walls of jericho - when the 2 Chris' teamed up, liked the year end truths
I really mark out for the double submission maneuvers. This was never a real finisher because legally you can't have two guys putting an opponent in duel submissions unless it was a no DQ I suppose. I remember seeing Low Ki actually apply a Boston Crab/Camel Clutch combo on American Dragon and Christopher Daniels on the first RoH dvd. Classic. Right now there are few guys who can pull off the double submission who are on the same show, unless Masters and Carlito go with the Masterlock/Purple Nurple combo they've been using in house shows.
I wanted to sound smart and make a cool St. Louis reference before I posted this next e-mail, but… that hell do I know about St. Louis? Then again, this gives me the opportunity to give a shout out to my friends Marco and Sheila who are from there… maybe this can substitute for a wedding gift. I ain't got the cash for a silver fondu set at Crate and Barrel.
Bayani, Thanks for the funniest 411 column I have read in a long time. Your takes on Traci Brooks, Elijah Burke, Shelton's Mama, John Cena, the Mickie/Trish feud, and Bobby Lashley were priceless. If you have footage or stills of the apple shrapnel, please share. Keep up the good work, Byron in St. Louis
Byron…buddy…If I had footage or photo of Victoria's "facial" I would post it. Alas I don't, but I bet someone does, and whoever can get it to me will not only win a spot on my column next week, but I will throw in a copy of LOD2K5's greatest matches…once they happen.
Open up your eager eyes...its Mr. Whitesides
Thank You so much for your commentary on John Cena. I think he is the next coming of the Ulitimate Warrior. Maybe not in terms of backstage, but in terms of being one-dimensional and a short term gimmick. One columnist on 411 is right, women and children, love this dickhead, while long-term fans I should say old time fans, the people who watch WWE programming consistently, hate this guy, because he sucks as a wrestler. His hip hop gimmick just sells T-shirts but you hit it right on the head with the word "STALE" Thank You so much and have a happy new year.... Eric Whitesides
I'm not sure that Ultimate Warrior was the MOST one sided character in the WWF. I think the WWF just didn't go radical enough with any possible character tweak. Perhaps Ultimate Warrschavitz, the Hebrew Hammer. The Ultimate Whorier, the male prostitute. The Ultimatum Warrior, guy who just tells people what to do and is generally bossy. John Cena has reached saturation point and a heel turn isn't quite ripe yet, but I could see in a few months. Cena is not good in the ring, its not because of his gimmick or his character, its because he's gotten sloppy and hasn't been working with enough guys who can make him better. You really need to have an experienced hand in their to teach these younger guys. Other wise you get matches that resemble watching two 30 year old virgins trying to have sex…on a slip n' slide…in St. Louis. SEE?? I did find a St. Louis joke.
Left Overs…
Gregory Helms vs Jerry Lawler could be the feud of the New Year. Right up there with Dogs vs Cats, Allergy sufferers vs Animal dander, and 411 writers vs Attention deficit dis…oh crap, is that "Laguna Beach" marathon on tonight, I wish I had tiVo, maybe I'll get it for my Birthday, although it is 6 months away..hmmm…
To kill about 30 seconds they show Trish Stratus jogging up and down stairs, sweaty, breasts heaving, in a totally gratuitous scene aimed at masturbating 13 year old boys watching. I don't have a joke for that segment, I just wanted to relive it for a minute.
Christy Hemme is set to quarterback one of the teams during the Lingerie Bowl this year. There was some confusion on Christy's part initially as she wasn't used to being the one standing while someone was bent over her with each hand on a ball.
On Impact! this week is said to be an AMAZING match featuring Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, and Austin Aries vs Christopher Daniels, AJ Styles, and Chris Sabin. Go watch it. I'll be at a live show, but I'll be damned if I ain't catchin' it on Monday night. Half the 411 staff here probably already have a chubby just thinkin' about it. The other half just have a chubby because…well, we're internet writers…we're on the internet a lot…there's a lot of free porn out here. Don't judge. Just download.
Maria beat Victoria for no apparent reason, right after Carlito put the boots to her. They have now officially put all their eggs in the Trish/Mickie basket. Man, creative is burying these women so badly that you gotta wonder if they got Scott Peterson consulting by correspondence.
Rhyno beat A-1 on New Years eve. This is supposed to be the set up a gauntlet match on Impact! where Rhyno takes on Heinz 57, Ponzu, KC Masterpiece, and the Tag Team of Lea and Perrins.
Before their match on Heat, the Heartthrobs invited two "hot Jersey girls" to dance with them in the ring. They spotted two women and it temporarily quelled the whispers backstage about their androgenous sexual preferences…then one of the women turned out to be Trinity formerly of TNA. Those whispers then immediately resumed but with a few jokes about asses, eye patches, and someone screaming, "Yaaaaaarrrr".
Thea Vidal is playin' the part of Aunt Benjamima as part of a new angle for Shelton Benjamin. Leave it to WWE to take stereotypes a little further than they ever needed to be. Then again, I'm just grateful they didn't go with the idea of having Goldust play the part in Black Face.
PWG this weekend looks promising, Double C, Claudio Castagnoli makes his return, Chris Hero, B-Boy, Chris Sabin, Rocky Romero, El Generico, TJ Perkins (puma), NEMESIS, and a host of others will be on hand Saturday night at the JCC in North Hollywood. My friend is a huge Rocky Romero, Davey Richards, and Alex Koslov mark. Mainly due to the fact that she thinks that these guys are hot. Mainly Alex Koslov who wrestles under a "Russian" gimmick. Needless to say the guy looks Puerto Rican, but has red tights and a furry hat. Really, the guy might be Dominican for all I know, but he has a furry hat…hence he's Russian. So I guess anyone can be any ethnicity provided they wear the accompanying accessory on their head. Fair enough, I wouldn't mind wearing Stacy Keibler's ass like a hat, I guess that would make me Keibleranian.
Andy Clark wouldn't die after all. Looks like the Justin Guarini to my Kelly Clarkson got a gig at 411 after all. Yeah, that's right…I made an American Idol reference, big whoop…wanna fight about it? No this doesn't mean we'll be releasing a musical together called "From Andy to Bayani" anytime soon. Clark was the runner up in Rant Wars II, and he's got a Sunday time slot. Making my piddly little Friday slot looks pretty sweet by comparison. In his column he mentions dating gay QB's and kicking strippers, neither of which I'd suggest. Then again if he was more like the Clay Aiken to my Ruben…he may be doing both in short order. At first I was a little worried that he was going to try stealing my shtick…opening up with jokes, bullet pointing the end of his column, trying to be the funniest and most entertaining guy on 411. Then I read his column….phew…glad I don't gotta worry about that. Well congrats Andy, hopefully this will be the start of a beautiful…um…co-existance on an internet wrestling website. By the way, if Cook tries to tell you all new guys need to pass the physical, I think it's just a scam to let him touch your sack…don't learn that lesson the hard way.
The WWE produced movie starring Kane will be opening up in theaters soon, and closing in theaters even sooner. No word on whether they are thinking of changing the name for the 7th time from "See no Evil" to "See no Ticket Sales".
Paul Birchall beat (John) Xavier, former RoH champion and hits an amazing looking one man Spanish Fly/Flux Capacitor type move. Birchall followed up the move by hitting a knee drop from the top rope. That shit makes no sense, why turn a great move into a set-up to a weaker finisher? It's like dating Micki James to get to Mickey Rourke.
Homicide debuts on Saturday as part of Konnan's new crew…or Kru…or….Krew…damn, who knows. Homicide is one of the Godfathers of RoH and had been rumored to be on the cusp of being signed by WWE several times. The good news is that Homicide is getting National TV exposure now, the bad news is, when TNA promised him a "shoe deal" he had no clue it meant tagging with Konnan. Plus…he still has to help him find his dogs…where are those damn things?
Charlie Haas may or may not be back for the WWE soon. I liked Haas well enough, but I felt he was a bit overrated by some smarks, as we never really got a good idea of what he could do as a singles wrestler. However, the day he does come back he will then rocket to the top of my list for "the next to be released by wwe".
Usually in Sexual harassment cases the victim sues the company that the accuser works for. If anything Melina is actually accusing Batista of rape. This seems like the kinda angle that WWE would want to stay away from. So the "e" is going with the harassment angle instead. Did anyone else start thinking of that skit on Chapelle's Show when they first saw the angle? Just music playing softly in the background.."haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love, I don't even want, none of the above I wanna piss on you…" So it was just me. And R.Kelly. And probably Meehan?
Sexual chocolate and MNM together?? Well something is going to melt in your mouth, and something is going to melt in your hands. Be afraid, be very afraid.
I got my undergrad in Economics so I feel like I've got the authority to give you a little financial advice here. Buying the ppv: $40. Picking up a Crunch Wrap at Taco Bell on the way to getting a lap dance at a titty bar: $40. The choice is yours, but you know even Alan Greenspan would just download the Elimination Chamber match later. Yeah, I got a feeling Alan is a freak.
You wanna know why John Cena is losing so much street cred? He ain't got no sex videos out. I was at the Hustler store the other day and Snoop Doggy Dogg, Mystical, Luther Cambell, and Little John all got pornos…hell, I bet even Little Bow Wow got a cameo somewhere. Now THAT is what really separates the thugs from the wanna be's. I even took the liberty of thinking of a few titles he could potentially use: "Big Booty Ho's to 5 Knuckle shuffle to", "The Chain Gang Bang", and John Cena Presents "You Can't See Me: 100% facials".
Yeah, I'm thinking the love fest is gonna end next week. I tell you what though, it's getting harder and harder to come up with a new topic ever week. At some point I gotta just do a clip show. Is it too early to do a "Best of TBT" yet? Would I even have any material? Well if anyone has anything they want to hear me go off about then write in. Otherwise I'm thinking its time we talk about the top 10 matches of 2006. Oh…too early…well damn it all. So join us next week as I…pull something out my ass and try to figure out how to hold off Andy Clark from jacking my time slot.
