The FlipSide Wrestling Report 01.07.06
Posted by Ryan K. Boman on 01.07.2006
Watch closely as I blatantly rip off the prose and comic stylings of our own Steve Cook.
Hello... and welcome to 2006.
Right about now, the funk soul brother is going to break down a little bit of news. Because that's how I roll, peeps.
But, first things first:
I hope all you loyal turnbuckle heads had a happy and safe new year, and that you prosper in the 12 months that lay ahead. Please e-mail any stories that involve you vomiting or urinating on yourself while watching the ball drop on the year that was. Those always put a smile on my face. They also help me to mask the painful memories of stupid crap I've done when I've been drunk in the past. So, feel free to drop me a line and tell me the story about how your friend beat up a hooker and ran from a cop as he rang in the new year.
Also, a little news on my front. I got to hear the heartbeat of my (expected) baby girl on Tuesday. I try not to bore you guys with details on my life, but this was pretty special for us. I have a five year old daughter, and now another little princess on the way. It just goes to show you that even an idiot like me gets lucky once in a while. The only thing I'm hoping for is that Baby Version 2.0 is as healthy and energetic as her older sister.
Tax season is approaching and we will focus on that in upcoming news reports. I will not only inform you on several new and exciting ways to cheat on your taxes, but also how to properly testify against your accountant after everything goes south.
Well, enough nonsense, I guess. Since I know that you folks regard me as the Walter Cronkite of wrestling, I suppose I better get to the events of the day.
From the 411 news wire...
The lady playing Shelton Benjamin's mama is apparently comedian Thea Vidale. Vidale starred in her own show, Thea, in the early 90s. She also played a big mama type role in a few episodes of The Wayans Brothers. : As I recall, Thea was a pretty funny stand-up comic in her day. Hopefully, she is still amusing enough to actually make this angle entertaining, as I find that WWE seems to be mailing it in when it comes to backstage vignettes. I still haven't figured out if these little fake promos are supposed to keep us interested, or just insult our intelligence. I'll let you know when I have the answer.
Former WCW star Norman Smiley was backstage at Impact: I feel myself inclined to do a little wiggle when I read that. Norman, who showcased one of the tightest asses in wrestling during his WCW run, was said to be happy to see some of his old friends. Then, he bent them all over and spanked them. While wearing football gear, no less. No formal charges have been filed, by the way.
Here is the latest on Paul Heyman's WWE status. His contract officially ended December 31, 2005. He is in Louisville tonight for the OVW TV Tapings and it is believed that the two sides have either worked out a new deal or that Paul is working with the company while they finalize a deal: It would be a huge mistake for WWE to let Heyman walk at this point, and I don't think they will. With their creative team on the hook for some awful decisions lately, it wouldn't surprise me to see the former Paul E. Dangerously get a shot at the book. Stephanie McMahon would, no doubt, keep him under her thumb, but there is still a huge upside to remaining with WWE. While no one will ever replace the Platinum Princess as the head of creative, Heyman may be angling for a shot at working side by side with Stephanie. If he achieves that, he may be the shot in the arm that the company needs. The hatted wonder has been able to work his magic before. Maybe he can do it again.
Brock Lesnar did end up wrestling earlier today at New Japan's Tokyo Dome show, defeating Shinsuke Nakamura in a successful defense of his IWGP Championship. WWE had attempted to stop Lesnar from wrestling on the show via legal means but failed. Rena Sable Mero accompanied Lesnar on his trip to Japan. Lesnar has wrestled four matches in Japan since leaving WWE: I don't see how Vince and Company can make the no-compete clause stand up on a different continent. If I'm the folks in charge over at Titan Towers, I think I would just drop this one. Unless Brock tries to wrestle for TNA, he really is off the radar screen to the US audience.. If he's overseas, then he's not direct competition for your company, so why bother with this petty garbage? Get this thing over with. Allow Lesnar to wrestle, as long as it's not in the United States. Isn't that the logical answer to the whole situation?
The Made-Up News...
The Paparazzi mobs Batista: In an astonishing turn of events, Dave Batista will be out 4-6 weeks with heat rash. Apparently all the flash bulbs that went off during his backstage news conference on Smackdown have caused second degree burns. That's right, folks. The animal, who has been recently charged with sexual harrassment by Melina, called the press gathering to proclaim his innocence. However, it apparently back-fired when the incredible amount of photography of the event caused his unusual sunburn. We will have more details when we get them.
TNA admits to a major snafu: TNA President Dixie Carter finally confirmed rumors that the company had not actually signed Sting. Internet sites like this one have been abuzz that the Sting "signing" was fictitious, and the company has finally acknowledged the allegations. In fact, Carter revealed that the company had only signed the Sting symbol, and not the wrestler himself. However, she promised the loyal TNA fans that the symbol will be making personal appearances on behalf of the company, and will be prominently featured on Impact.
Jim Ross livid over Texas' win in the Rose Bowl: As a loyal Sooner, JR couldn't stand the thought of the Longhorns as national champions. In a recent internet statement, he blamed bad officiating and Stephanie McMahon for USC's loss.
The Wrestling Geek Selection of the Week: TNA's Turning Point pay per view from 2004. Watch this show for the six sides of steel match between AMW and Triple X, if for nothing else. Watch Elix Skipper do a tightrope across the top the cage. Then, after your done peeing yourself over this match, have a Dr. Pepper and go to bed.
That's it for this week, guys. I hate to beat a dead horse, but Happy New Year once again. (Actually, I love to beat a dead horse, because they don't fight back. But, that's a story for another day.) Have a great weekend, and make sure you check out all the other great writers at our site.
