The Sunday Small-For-All News Report 01.08.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 01.08.2006
The Best Sunday News Column Since Cook’s
Come one, come all, and welcome to the first-ever edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. It seems that I have shattered the Glass Ceiling here at 411 as only 3 months ago I debuted as one of the many members of the nWo (noob World order). While others are still stuck doing Heat duty (I'm looking at you, Slimmer), I have risen to the esteemed ranks of having my own weekly news column. And let me say, that kicks ass.
For those who do not know me, I write and will continue writing the #1 Heat report right here on 411: The Final Fantasy Heat Report. Now how do I know that my report is #1? Easy, it's what Slimmer's mom tells me every night. Yes, I know, I just opened up my first news column with a "Your mom" joke. I hate myself sometimes, too.
In addition to various Slimmer jokes, here is what you will find on a weekly basis in the Sunday Small-For-All News Report (I can never tire of that name). First off, I will only cover the important news of the week. For me, Sundays are all about catching up (either with schoolwork or running errands), so I won't bore you with any of the little items nor any of the rumors that will probably turn out untrue. This column should be as easy to swallow as a Triple Whopper at Burger King. For my readers the size of Bastion Booger, that's no biggie at all. In addition, this week, since there's a WWE PPV tonight, I will be providing PPV predictions in a quite creative way. Read on to find out.
With that said, let's bring on the news!
WWE NEWZ DOOD!!!
The big news of this week is that Tim White is not dead! (Credit: YouTube)
It seems that our favorite suicidal referee dropped the shotgun and shot off his big toe! In this latest clip, White, who is being interviewed by Josh Matthews, tries to kill himself by eating rat poison. Hilarity ensures when he leans back too far and falls over. In a way, I don't blame Tim White. I would want to kill myself if Josh Matthews had to interview me. Get that man Maria stat! I know he wouldn't kill himself then.
In all seriousness, my biggest problem with this ongoing storyline is that it just is not funny. Obviously, the first skit at Armageddon was supposed to be serious, but was missing one key element: blood. The reaction from everyone would have been much different if the camera panned out to see Josh Matthews covered with blood.
Anyway, since the first skit was met with such a negative response, the WWE had to do what they are doing now: make the skit humorous. Heck, if they didn't, people like Phil Mushnick from the New York Post or the PTC could use that skit at any point to further attack the WWE. With this skit now being labeled as "dark humor", the WWE can be like "What now, he ain't dead, he's on television every week and it's funny." This brings me back to my original point (yes I was getting there): the skit is not funny. Since the newest batch of writers enjoy plagiarism so much, they should have stole from South Park's "Die Hippie Die" episode. In that particular episode, the mayor commits suicide after the recent outbreak of hippies. Viewers see her point a gun at her head before panning out at a bloody wall. What makes this scene funny is that the next time we see the mayor (about 5 minutes later), she has a big bandage wrapped around her head. Writers of the WWE, listen: if you are going to continue this skit, just make it funny.
For those who want to see the clip again (or for the first time), you can click here.
Even the World's Strongest Man has trouble ripping off cage doors.
I would credit YouTube for this clip but it seems to be missing. For those of you who watched Smackdown! (which isn't many), it looked like Mark Henry had no problem ripping off the chain of the steel cage door in order to attack Batista. However, that is a fallacy. A video was found earlier this week showing how hard it was for Sexual Chocolate to rip off a prop door. What made the video even funnier was that everybody watched him struggle: the referee, Batista, the fans, and the millions of computer geeks on their mother's computer in the basement. I bet Vince laughed the hardest considering that he knows people will buy the Royal Rumble and be forced to watch Batista vs. Mark Henry.
World Wrestling Entertainment and Juventud have come to terms on a release from his contract. WWE wishes Juventud the best in all future endeavors. (Credit: WWE.com)
This comes as no shocker considering all of the backstage rumors that were made public. Considering only Psichosis and Super Crazy wrestle on Smackdown, the Mexi-Cools will do just fine without Juvi. Hell, I think all the cruiserweights must be extremely happy at this moment considering that there is no more risk of Juvi injuring them. Except for Paul London; he's still pissed that Juvi's sloppiness cost him the regular use of the 450 splash. I do expect Juvi to end up in TNA again at some point.
Joey Styles was given his ‘Welcome To WWE' talk before Raw this week from Vince McMahon. He was told about what things he needs to change and that he has a long way to go before being a great WWE announcer. (Credit: PWInsider)
I agree with Vince here. While Joey has done a good job as announcer, he needs time to learn how to effectively hype PPVs and important matches. To me, while JR had his problems (including his hard-on for Chris Masters), he was the only announcer I can recall that would get you excited and hyped to see any big match. To me, Wrestlemania will not be the same this year without his excessive, overblown, verbal blowjob on Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Mr. McMahon has his own Superstars page on WWE.com. Unfortunately for Vince, Chloe's page still gets more views.
Vince must now feel how Slimmer feels each week. Yes, I just compared myself to a dog.
Join Cena's Chain Gang Click!!! (Credit: WWEShop.com)
While most people around here (including myself) feel that good ole John Cena has run his course as a face, we all know that the WWE refuses to turn him due to the countless amounts of merchandise he sells. His latest piece of merchandise is a FAN CLUB. For only $24.99, you, YES YOU, can become an official member of the Chain Gang. As a member you will receive the official Chain Gang Click t-shirt, exclusive PERSONALIZED lanyard and laminate, hand signed photo, e-mail newsletter with content straight from John Cena, 10% discount on WWEShop orders of $75 or more and special access to contests and sweepstakes! Consider me there!!!
There will combined Raw and Smackdown supershows on Monday, January 30th in Orlando Florida and another one on February 27th in Washington, DC at the MCI Center. (Credit: Wrestling Observer)
This is awesome. Considering No Way Out is the previous night in Baltimore, it looks like I have two back to back wrestling events this coming year. Meehan, are you in?
In a correction, Lions Gate is not releasing the See No Evil DVD on the same day as the theatrical release as reported here yesterday. The DVD will be released in October and the movie premieres at the theaters in May. (Credit: Wrestling Observer)
Should be an interesting B-movie and could be no worse than Santa's Slay starring Goldberg, Chris Kattan, and Fran Drescher. Being the sick individual that I am, I purchased Santa's Slay.
Dalip "Giant" Singh has been sent down to OVW. (Credit: Wrestling Observer)
Am I the only one who wants to see another Giant Gonzalez? Here's hoping Steven Richards bought Life Insurance before he ends up jobbing to Singh.
Stacy Keibler ended up in 4th place (out of 10) in the judging for the 1st week of Dancing with the Stars. She was not eliminated by the public in the first round.
I actually was flipping to Dancing with the Stars between commercial breaks of the Villanova/Louisville basketball game and the My Name is Earl/The Office comedy block. I got to see Stacy's dance and she was quite good though nowhere near as good as the disaster that was Master P. After seeing him dance, he should really stick to his strengths which include… uh… uh… na na na na.
James Laurinaitis, Road Warrior Animal's son and Johnny Ace's nephew, started at OLB for the Ohio State Buckeyes at the Fiesta Bowl. (Credit: Me)
Unfortunately, he was not allowed to wear spikes on his shoulder pads.
TNA NEWZ DOODETTES
TNA and SpikeTV continue to discuss the prospects of airing an Impact primetime special on Monday, February 14th. RAW will not air that night due to being preempted by USA Network for the annual dog show. The special is considered to be likely at this point, but not confirmed. (Credit: Right here at 411Mania)
Considering that this is the 10th mention of a Monday night TNA time slot since October, I am still a little weary about this news. At first, I would say that this would be a stupid idea considering that it's Valentine's Day and most people go out on dates that evening. But then I realized that Valentine's Day means nothing for most of this audience. Hey, it's an insult, but I admit it, I'm right. Writing a Heat column has not helped me get laid and I'm awesome.
In addition, how would TNA feel if they did have a Monday special and the dog show received better ratings? While TNA's ratings for that week should improve, I am not so sure that Spike TV will do a good enough job with promoting it. The special airings of TNA have not improved Impact's ratings not due to the quality of the show but because Spike TV has SUCKED in promoting it. Spike TV is owned by bigdaddy Viacom. There must be a better way to promote the show than by only showing commercials during The Ultimate Fighter. I have to say that the WWE/USA partnership has performed better than TNA/Spike TV as USA actually promotes the show. Between the specials on MSNBC and commercials on late night TV (such as Conan), Raw has gotten some crossover appeal that has been missing since the Rock went on SNL many years ago.
TNA has their first "video podcast" up on the site right now. They have been doing a lot of audio ones, but this is the first video one. It focuses on Final Resolution and Sting. (Credit: 411)
At the moment, I haven't watched any of their video podcasts but I still think that this is a good idea for TNA. Like WWE, TNA is embracing its website and it really should. The website is an easy way to draw more interest to the product and reach people who miss the weekly TNA shows. I just wish TNA would shill their website almost as much as the WWE does in order to maximize hits.
What most people (outside of the IWC) are unaware of is that the wrestling community has always embraced new technology and ways of communication. Many of the first blogs were used to talk about wrestling. Message boards have cropped up everywhere now but I can remember wrestling message boards as early as 1999 or so. From podcasting to streaming video, the wrestling community has always been one of the pioneers in the latest online technology. We should all be proud of that. Commence to bitchin'.
Seems like this is a slow week for TNA news. Obviously, with their upcoming PPV next week, we should have a lot more to talk about then. In fact, next week, I will have a detailed explanation of why their upcoming PPV does not interest me.
Speaking of uninteresting PPVs…
New Year's Revolution Preview
As mentioned earlier in this column, I will be providing PPV predictions in a creative way. In addition to my own personal prediction, I will be simulating each match with the WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 PS2 game. To prevent bias, I am not taking control of any of the characters. I will just be giving Play-By-Play/Running Commentary of what is happening in the ring. I do this not only because I get a kick out of it but also in order to provide a non-human prediction of what may happen. And considering I would not be surprised if some members of the writing staff were alien, any of these predictions might in fact happen.
For all the characters that are not in the SvR 2006 video game, I created them using by far the best walkthrough guide I can find at caws.ws. You know it must be the best site as they have six different ways to create the Boogeyman.
Match One: Ric Flair vs. Edge w/ Lita for the IC Belt
We have a slugfest to start. Edge takes control and gets a quick reverse DDT. Edge works the head with a crossface. Flair escapes but gets quickly rolled up for 1. Flair bails. After a 5 count, Flair makes his way back in only to be knocked down. Edge grabs a sleeper. Downward Spiral by Edge. Edge goes back to the crossface. Implant DDT!!! One, two, no Flair kicks out at the last moment. Edge picks up Flair and gives him a backbreaker. Before his next move, Flair gets a quick rollup for 1. Flair fights up and gets some chops and punches. He dumps Edge and follows him outside. Flair whips Edge into the barricade before grabbing a chair. He brings the chair into the ring and swings at Edge. Edge ducks the chair shot before kicking him in the stomach forcing Flair to drop the chair. Edge picks it up and nails Flair with a hard chair shot for the DQ @ 4:18. Flair is busted wide open.
SvR 2006 Winner: Ric Flair by DQ
My Prediction: Edge by DQ
Match Two: Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James for the Women's Championship
Back and forth action to start. Both keep countering each other's moves not surprisingly since I gave Mickie Trish's moveset. It makes sense storywise since Mickie should know Trish's moves as she stalks Trish. As the more experienced veteran, Trish should be able to counter Mickie's onslaught. Back to the action as Trish gets a scoop slam. Her offense does not last long as Mickie gets a quick bulldog. More back and forth action sees Trish working Mickie over with some kicks before Mickie quickly dropkicks her. Trish, however, continues to stay on the assault before Mickie fights back with a back suplex. Trish cheapshots Mickie while getting up (out of frustration, maybe?) and knocks her down. Trish climbs up and drops a top rope elbow drop. Chick kick gets 2 for Trish. Trish grabs a sleeper to try to end this match. Mickie gets her arm up at 2 and hulks up. Before Mickie can do any damage, Trish gets a quick clothesline to knock her down. Trish lets Mickie get up. Mickie fights back with another back suplex. Mickie nails Trish with a faceplant before getting a crossface. Trish escapes the hold and the two slug it out again. A Trish Chick Kick out of nowhere ends this match @ 8:16.
SvR 2006 Winner: Trish Stratus
My Prediction: Mickie James
Match Three: Gregory Helms vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler
Before beginning this match, I have to admit that I was unable to find a Jerry "The King" Lawler CAW. It surprises me how I can find 3 different versions of Nailz but no version of the King at any website (and I checked many). So what I did was I made a crappy looking King with the Junkyard Dog's moveset along with the King's finishers.
The two wrestlers lockup to start. King wins this and slugs Helms down. King continues the assault with some punches before Helms quickly dumps the King. Back inside, Helms gets a quick DDT. King escapes Helms's next move and a slugfest erupts. That is won by the King. The King gets a quick piledriver but refuses to cover. He puts Helms in an abdominal stretch. Helms fights out but gets hit with a gutbuster. King gets a backbreaker and works over Helms' back. Helms comes back with a quick fireman slam. Helms then superkicks the King. The King puts Helms back in the abdominal stretch but that gets ropes. The King releases only to be vertebroken. Instead of covering, Helms lets the King gets back up. The King finishes with a delayed vertical suplex for 3 @ 7:26.
SvR 2006 Winner: Jerry "The King" Lawler
My Prediction: Gregory Helms
Match Four: Triple H vs. Big Show
Lockup to start. Big Show wins that and whips Triple H outside. Triple H comes back inside only to be put in a pumphandle slam. Scoop slam by Show. Show dumps HHH again. HHH comes back in and gets hit with the Chokeslam! However, HHH rolls out to avoid the pin attempt. HHH gets back up and kicks Show's leg out from his leg. This does not affect the Show as he places HHH in an abdominal stretch. HHH gets the ropes but walks into a Show clothesline. Show puts HHH back in the abdominal stretch. He releases the hold and chokeslams HHH! HHH gets up!!! HHH kicks Show's leg again. He gets a quick knee drop. Show shrugs that off with a full nelson slam. HHH gets back up and quickly DDT's him. HHH picks up Show but Show counters HHH's offense with a 3rd Chokeslam. This leads to a double KO. At 7, both men get up. Show gets a scoop slam but cannot capitalize. HHH goes back to the leg. Again, Show shrugs off HHH's offense and gets an atomic drop. Triple H comes back with a main event sleeper to try to wear down the show. Show escapes and gets a big boot. Chokeslam #4 ends this elongated squash @ 9:53.
SvR 2006 Winner: The Big Show
My Prediction: Triple H
Bra & Panties Match: Maria vs. Ashley vs. Torrie vs. Victoria vs. Candace
I refuse to simulate this match just because I really do not want to make 3 women that have never wrestled before. In addition, there is no bra and panties match in this latest edition of the game. As for why I predict Candace to win, it is simply because she will be in Playboy soon.
My Prediction: Candace
Main Event: Elimination Chamber for the WWE Championship
HBK and Cena start off the match. Cena gets a quick bulldog. Cena climbs to the top rope and comes off with a knee drop. HBK is still down (must have been a devastating bulldog) and Cena gets a Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena whips Michaels into the corner but runs into a boot. HBK's clothesline is countered into the FU. Carlito comes in (the game only has 1 minute intervals) and breaks up the pin attempt. Cena suplexes HBK. Carlito then works on HBK's back. Carlito whips HBK over the top rope and onto the hard chain floor. In what might be the spot of the night, Cena and Carlito jump off the top rope simultaneously onto HBK. Carlito climbs up onto the top of the chamber and comes off with an elbow drop on HBK!!! Chris Masters is #4. Cena FU's Carlito but Masters stops that pin attempt. The four break up into Carlito/Cena and Masters/HBK. Nothing of note happens except that Masters whips HBK into the chains. Kurt Angle is #5 and goes right after Cena. He puts a boston crab on Cena. HBK fights back and works on Masters with some punches. Kane comes in at #6. HBK moonsaults onto Masters. Carlito whips Cena into the chains. Angle back suplexes Kane. All six come into the ring and a big brawl starts. Sweet Chin Music to Carlito. Throwback to Masters. However, no one covers for a pin. HBK gets SCM on Masters but collapses due to a lack of stamina. Carlito dumps HBK onto the chain floor. HBK is then whipped into one of the chambers. Kane picks up HBK and gets a reverse vertical suplex. During all of this action, Angle Angle Slams Carlito on the chain floor for 3 @ 6:30.
HBK moonsaults again onto Masters. HBK climbs after Kane on the chains and throws him down to the floor. On the other side of the ring, Masters throws a perched Cena from the top of a chamber to the floor!!! Masters then climbs down to the top rope and drops three elbows onto the Ultimate Cena. Masters then dumps Cena onto the chain floor. He follows Cena but is thrown by Kane into one of the glass chambers busting him wide open. Cena gets up and gets a quick FU on Angle. Kane scoop slams Cena on the floor for 3 @ 8:51!!!
We will have a new champion tonight. Masters makes his way up the side of the chamber and perches himself ontop of the glass chamber. HBK follows and throws Masters off!!! HBK tries to drop an elbow from the top of the chamber but Kane moves Masters!!! Michaels falls to his impending doom. Kane pins Masters @ 9:17. Angle pins HBK @ 9:20.
Angle and Kane brawl. Kane dumps Angle to the chain floor. Kane tries climbing up the chains but Angle is right behind him and throws him down onto the floor. Angle climbs down and pins Kane @ 10:03 to become the new WWE Champion.
SvR Winner: Kurt Angle
My Prediction: Shawn Michaels
Thoughts: Surprisingly, the computer and I disagreed on every match. With that said, I enjoyed the first three matches' storylines. In the first, Edge works on Flair's head and busts him open with a chair shot. The second match had a nice storyline of each woman countering each other's moves and only out of frustration does Trish get her Chick Kick. After that Trish heels it up for the rest of the match, she gets another Chick Kick out of nowhere for the win. It really makes Mickie look like a sympathetic face. In the third match, Helms got cocky so the King put him away with a stalling vertical suplex (after working the back the entire match). Hell, I also liked watching Triple H get squashed. The main event is where the simulation got silly as all six men decided to take turns climbing the chambers and jumping off onto their opponents. In addition, there was absolutely no selling by any of the contestants. In the real match, HBK wouldn't be able to moonsault onto Chris Masters immediately after receiving a reverse vertical suplex by Kane. All in all though, this was fun and I will bring it back for the Royal Rumble in a few weeks.
PLUGZ
First off, I gotta plug myself. This week, in addition to my weekly Heat column, I wrote Klassic Kombat.
Larry continued easing back into a normal-for-him schedule with his WRestling's 3R's.
For more on New Year's Revolution, there is Hayhurst's always in-depth preview alongside of the Staff's Roundtable Preview.
Stu has a nice look back at all the Royal Rumbles here.
Boman hates women!!! Interested? Read about it here.
Ask 411 Wrestling gets a plug this week for a mention of D'lo Brown. That's all it takes to win me over, guys.
Truth B Told was off da hook this week fo sho. Yeah, I can't talk gangsta neither.
And finally, Slimmer… no plugs for you!!!
The End?
Well this marks the end of my first (and hopefully not last) Sunday Small-For-All News Report. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know by sending me some feedback below. Oh and go check out my blog. There you will find me praising college football, ranting on American Pie: Band Camp, and other stuff. Next week, I'm going to put up my review of R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. It should be awesome.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!
