The Wrestling News Experience: 01.09.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 01.09.2006
Gold medal in world juniors and now this. Nobody beats Canadians.
I had to rewrite that teaser as of like 10:50 pm Eastern. Which is too bad, because it was a really good joke originally and I'll never have a chance to use it again. Still worth it, though.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the filthiest column on 411. Today on our tour of non-stop raunch, we're going to talk about where babies come from! I'm Stephen Randle, and I watched that stupid Miracle of Birth video three times in high school. I still can't figure out how they got a camera up there.
Okay, so this column is cleaner than your grandmother's kitchen floor, you know, the nice one who loves to cook but strangely her kitchen is always spotless white, even while she boils spaghetti sauce in an open pot? That one. But instead of dirty, dirty, jokes about sex, we've got New Year's Revolution and baby announcements. What kind of a wrestling column is this, anyway?
Ric Flair defeated Edge by DQ to retain the Intercontinental title when Edge used the Money in the Bank briefcase
The absolute right finish for so many reasons. See, you don't have to win every single match to get heel heat. All you need to do is make a senior citizen bleed. Actually, from the recap, sounds like Edge pretty much beat up Flair for the entire match until the end, which is also right, because hey, we love Flair, but Edge should be beating him fairly easily at this point. Also, in English class, we call this "foreshadowing".
Trish Stratus defeated Mickie James to retain the Women's Championship with a Chick Kick
And it seems that dear Mickie will be the one who goes nuts and snaps on Trish (though she actually didn't, yet). You never can trust a redhead, it seems.
Jerry "The King" Lawler defeated Gregory Helms with a fistdrop
I think I'll quote Larry's recap on this one: "In other news, Helms will be released tomorrow". We don't know that for sure, but once you job to Lawler, where is there for you to go?
Triple H defeated Big Show with the Pedigree
Okay, I'll catch shit from someone, but this sounds like it was pretty darned decent match, likely the best one Show's had since he and Lesnar were tangling. And all the psychology of the hand injury was right there and used, and everything. I was also right, Trip sold his butt off for Show. You can't even argue with the result.
Shelton Benjamin defeated Viscera with a spin kick
All right, Shelton won on PPV, so we can't complain too much. Yes we can. Okay, his mom's going to be a hilarious character, I think, but why do we need two domineering black female managers at the same time? Where's Teddy Long to spread some of that calming Martin Luther King-inspired influence around? Don't be hatin', ladies.
I promise I will never, ever say that again.
Ashley won the Bra and Panties Gauntlet match
Included in this compilation is an appearance by Moolah and Mae Young, because God knows that when women are rolling around in their underwear, there's nothing WWE's target demographic wants to see more than drunken horny geriatrics. Nearly picked Ashley in the roundtable, but decided on Maria because I figured they might give the win to someone they've been semi-using the last few weeks. Silly me, I tried to be logical. Gotta remember my own slogan.
John Cena won the Elimination Chamber match to retain the WWE title
Okay, we'll set aside that Carlito and Chris Masters were the last two competitors in the match (though it was explained very well, it's still Carlito and Masters), because I want to use one of my more favourite lines:
But wait, there's more!
Edge defeated John Cena to win the WWE title
Who called that? I think it was me. In fact, I know it was me. And several other people. But still, I was one of them. Ladies and gentlemen, this is, in a word, perfect. Now, can we stretch it to Mania and the first Mania since 17 where Trip was not involved in a world title match? Please?
Anyway, congrats to Edge, my Canadian brother from another mother who's a lot cooler than me and doesn't know who I am. I've been pulling for you since the first time you came through the crowd in a trenchcoat. I can honestly say that even though you beat one of my favourite wrestlers, I couldn't be happier.
Around The Horn
All right, here's the big news that has people all aflutter. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are proud to announce that they are expecting their first child. 411Mania, and myself personally, would like to extend their congratulations to the happy couple, and wish them all the best. A child's birth is a joyous occasion for any family, and I'm very happy for both of them.
And now that the honest sentiment is out of the way, we do jokes. Pick your favourite from the list of pre-approved cliches!
- Well, I guess steroid use and a career where you get hit in the balls on a weekly basis doesn't make you sterile. That's something, anyway.
- I bet the baby wins the World title before Shelton Benjamin (insert your favourite underpushed Superstar for that personal touch!)
- I can see it now, main event for WrestleMania 40: Declan vs Little H for control of the company.
- Any bets that Trip gets to do a twenty minute promo about how much better his kid is than other kids?
- So, which parent's going to breastfeed it?
- One assumes that the child will get sent home from preschool at least once for luring kids to the sandbox and knocking them out with a tiny Fisher-Price sledgehammer.
- Hey, at least it keeps Steph off TV.
- The Apocalypse is nigh! The demon child has been sired! Flee! Flee for your lives!
I like the last one for its simplicity. But to be fair, there's no proof that it's a demon child. Of course, there's no proof that it isn't, either. One thing's for sure. That kid has NO chance of growing up normal. And it's not actually the parents I'm worried about destroying its fragile little psyche. Can you just imagine Grandpa Vince's words of wisdom for his grandkids?
Moving on, according to someone I don't know, the plan is to have Bret Hart referee a Vince-Shawn match at WrestleMania. In real life, I'd say the chances of that are roughly zero. Maybe a little less. Especially since if Vince, Shawn, and Bret are ever in the same ring again, what wrestling fans would like to see is not a match, but Bret beating the crap out of both of them. I will step up right now, and like JBL and the Rock before him, I will guaran-damn-tee that this idea will never happen.
I can do that. It's in my contract.
Speaking of contracts, Mark Henry's is up at the end of the year, and there are absolutely no plans to renew. Yay!
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the infamous video of Henry vs The Cage, which was later removed on WWE's order, but I did see it before it came down. Yes, it did take Mark Henry a good ten minutes to break into the cage and everyone had to stand around looking like idiots. You could even see Batista and the ref making hand gestures as they discussed his troubles. The best part is that Cole and Tazz had to commentate over the whole mess, and make it sound like he was seconds away from getting in.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 01.10.05, and Triple H had just walked out of the Elimination Chamber with the World Heavyweight Title. That's okay, because even though it screwed over Edge and Chris Benoit, Batista was on the rise, and we were all on the bandwagon. More importantly, both Eugene and Lita suffered massive knee injuries in the opening matches, and the next match featured Maven and Shelton Benjamin having some weird non-match for the IC title. Actually, this PPV was a contender for Worst PPV of the Year. Who won? You'll find out shortly, once I manage to finish compiling the latest edition of The 411's: 2005 Year End Awards. Coming very soon!
Yeah, I got in posting trouble with them last year, too. So I'm comforted that at least they're equally as behind schedule at this point now as they were then. Aren't I strangely reliable?
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 01.02.06
- Booker T, SD!, out six-eight weeks as of January 2 (leg injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Edge, RAW, out indefinitely (torn pectoral)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Eugene, RAW, suspended indefinitely as of November 19 (drug rehab)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- RVD, RAW, out until January 2006 (knee surgery)
Transactions
Can't believe I forgot to put Booker up there last week. My bad.
- Charlie Haas, has apparently signed a deal to return
Well, that's going to make for some awkwardness in the bedroom, if that's true.
- Juventud, SD!, released from his contract
It's been in the wind for a couple months, but apparently the last straw was that his match with Kid Kash on Smackdown went a couple minutes long. Which is a big problem, actually, because there's a time crunch coming into play when Mark Henry forgets how to break into a steel cage.
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, returned to TV in a non-wrestling role (will remain on list)
Hey...didn't I suggest that he do guest commentary and injured promos like...hmmm...one second.
From my December 5th injury report:
The good news is that most of his fan appeal comes from his promos, so they could probably keep him on or around TV if they wanted to.
Okay, it's not exactly Nostradaemus, but what do you want?
- Mamma Benjamin, RAW, debuted on Raw
played by Thea Vidale, a real professional actress and everything. This would work so much better if they hadn't spent the first part of 2005 showing vignettes of Shelton's real mother, but hey, I'll ignore it if you can.
- The Gyminis, SD!, debuted on Smackdown
Formerly the Shane Twins, worst remembered as wrestling penises, and managed by Simon Dean. Hey, being managed by a low card jobber, that's a career path for success. At least we might get to see London and Kendrick on Smackdown now. Getting squished.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Larry had live coverage of New Year's Revolution, and was scarred by Moolah and Young. You'd think we'd be used to that by now. Dunn has the Breakdown as well.
Small debuts with Sunday news, and Boman works Saturdays.
And Small also covers Heat. We're all so multi-talented.
The Gab Bag
Romeo P sent me a link to the clip of the New Age Outlaws "shooting" on Triple H. I'm told it's not suitable for young children. Mostly, I don't really pay attention to "shoot" interviews, because it's usually guys giving their side of every argument they ever had, most of them bitter because they never got to reach what they consider the "top", even if the New Age Outlaws certainly shouldn't think of themselves that way. Hell, they were considered the best tag team of the Attitude era. They were DX. They got way more than one would have thought, given that neither was a particularly good wrestler. But, they have every right to say whatever they want, it's their careers.
Manu Bumb has a couple 2005 memories, and commiserates with me over the failure to push RVD, even with a title. See Shelton Benjamin for another example of how badly you can push someone while they hold a title.
Hmmmm...I'd have to say HHH flipping me off after he read my sign that said "Edge Betrayed V1" at a house show, or telling Benoit at Hooters after Raw that my favorite WM moment was him and Eddie standing in the center of the ring at WM 20, both champions, and seeing him being genuinely touched to hear that...what? moments that happened on tv? Oh.....yeah..................nope, nothing good enough this year for me to be really estatic about it. I think the closest would be Candice's butt-cleavage, or Victoria going crazy and beating up the divas during that Memorial Day bikini contest.
Ooooh, 2005 moment - not trinity jumping off the cage, not shelton jumping into a superkick, but shelton running up the ladder at WM21 and clotheslining someone off the top (edge?). That has to be the coolest thing I remember from this year.
And most of the ECW ppv.
Good stuff.
Jeremy fantasy books for us and poses a question.
What would you think of a rekindling of the Undertaker vs Randy Orton feud for Wrestlemania? A face Undertaker eventually defeats Orton after tombstoning him on a manhole cover. It would take place in the middle of the show. Finally HHH will defeat Cena after pedigreeing him onto the sledgehammer. Edge will spear him three seconds later to claim his first world championship. Edge will not turn face however. At Backlash Edge will retain in a triple threat after hitting Cena with the sledgehammer. Triple H will tangle with Angle in the following weeks to no avail.
First of all...it's not bad booking. Secondly, no more Orton-Taker. It's done. It has to be done. No more. Feuds should not last a year in an age where we have 14 PPV's a year in which feuds can be settled. Especially when only one (two if we're being generous on Hell in the Cell) could be considered good matches.
As for the other stuff, well...turns out you were a little late on the Edge title run.
And to finish up, here's your Official TWNE Holiday Message from my favourite reader, BT
Well, buddy of mine came out to visit and he was wearing this Eddie T-shirt. WWE is actually doing a decent thing and if you buy one all the money goes to Eddie's family. It looks pretty cool and I am thinking of getting it and maybe the old Scarface one he had, arguably one of the coolest T-shirts I have seen for a wrestler. I only own one other wrestling T-shirt... the old Evolution 'Paid, Made, and Laid' one (or whatever order it is).
And finally, a closing comment on Mark Henry. Guy is a lucky sonofabitch and should kiss whoever came up with that ironclad contract that Vince is afraid of breaking. Man, I see guys cut /all/ the time in sports no matter how long their contract it... T.O. being a good example. Yet this guy has been with the WWF/E for 10 years and wrestled maybe what...2-3 years of that time? Even if you tell me he wrestled half that, that is still soooo weak. Vince has done some pretty shitty things to guys on their way out. Hell, Vince has done some pretty shitty things to guys he has kept on contract. Some would even think he kept them under contract out of spite. I just hope Vince gives Mark Henry the same thing that Mark Henry has so far given Vince. Disappointment and failure.
Hey, if you guys wrote me every week, you could be my favourite reader too.
And One To Go On
Things are progressing quickly this year, on many fronts, and it seems like it might work out fine for me. So I've started looking out for falling pianos.
411 will have live Raw coverage tonight, and Larry is in tomorrow. In theory, I come back next week. But it's only a working theory.
