Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 01.12.06: Household Names
Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.12.2006
Behold the almighty power of John Tenta's crotch.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People.
Before we get started with the column proper, I wanted to take a quick second to plug the blog that I now have thanks to the recent 411 redesign. I plan on using it for a forum for talking about pop culture topics that I don't normally get to chat about here in the wrestling zone. As always, I'm open to feedback . . . and, while you're checking out blogs, before sure to look at the ones that belong to other 411 staffers. There's some fairly entertaining material out there already, and the feature just came in to being a couple of weeks ago.
Cheap Wrestling Tip #27: The Stars Come Out on eBay
If you check out the Cheap Wrestling archives, we've taken quite a few looks at how to find Cheap Wrestling on eBay or other, less popular auction sites. However, my latest round of searches revealed a series of terms that I had never thought to enter before.
What are they? Well, simply put, there are some men who transcend to sport of professional wrestling. They become so popular that they become household names in their own right, independent of the sport that launched them to stardom. Hogan. Austin. The Rock. Ric Flair. All of these names are instantly recognizable to non-wrestling fans, which leads to one result on eBay: Auction titles that aren't as clear as they could have been. When this happens, searches like "wrestling DVD," "wrestling VHS," or "WWF" won't turn up several copies of the tapes released to commemorate the careers of these famous individuals. At various points on eBay over the last couple of months, there have been between twenty and thirty cheap tapes featuring these men, though the word "wrestling" and the names of any wrestling promotions were missing from the subject line.
So, the next time you want to try something a little bit different on an eBay hunt, plug in the names of some of the world's most popular wrestlers with no additional terms. You never know what footage you may unearth. Here's what I was unable to find:
Title: Hulkamania Forever Released By: WWF/Coliseum Video Release Year: 1991 Run Time: 90 Minutes Found At: eBay Price: $5.25 (shipping included)
It seem as though Coliseum Video just couldn't get enough of producing Hulk Hogan titles. Why? Because the guy made them money, obviously. This is just one of the many Hogan titles that were put out on to the market. It's got a rather narrow scope, covering all things Hogan in the year of 1990. Checking which Wrestlemania occurred in what year will tell you that it was a big one for Hogan, as his major challenge would be going up against the Ultimate Warrior. But those weren't his only challenges, oh no . . . dastardly heels like Earthquake, Dino Bravo, the Poffo Brothers, Ted DiBiase, Zeus, and Hogan's perennially receding hairline lined up in an effort to bring the man down. Hey, you know Hulkamania's not going to crumble, so I won't even bother writing a teaser question that insults your intelligence. Let's just kick back and enjoy the show . . . or not, as the case may be.
Match Numero Uno: Hulk Hogan w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. "Macho Man" Randy Savage w/ Sensational Sherri
This match is taking place in London, England, according to the graphic, though we're lacking an actual date. Fun notes: Tony Schiavone and Alfred Hayes are on commentary, and one must wonder if there has been a duo of men that have every been so critically panned sharing an announce booth. (Aside from perhaps Schiavone and Mongo McMichael.) Additionally, for no apparent reason, our referee is wearing a cast on one of his arms.
We get a whole lot of stalling to start, mainly from Savage. It doesn't matter, however, as this is a European crowd and they'll be jacked no matter what you do. The action finally starts after several minutes, with Sherri distracting Hogan and Savage coming off of the top rope with a double sledge. That sets up a double team for the heels, but Mr. Bollea is quick to come back and hits Savage with an atomic drop, causing him to leave the ring yet again. He then Irish whips Sherri, but Savage pulls her out of the ring before any actual damage can be done. Hogan follows the bad guys to the outside and sends both of their heads crashing in to the ring apron, but Savage goes to the eyes back on the inside and chokes away on our hero. Hogan goes out and nails Sherri for no apparent reason, and Macho goes after Liz, only to be nailed from behind by Hulk. Back on the inside, Hogan catches Savage's foot and punches away at him to set up a back elbow in the corner and a two handed choke hold. The Immortal One's advantage doesn't last long, though, as Savage gets another top rope double sledge thanks to more Sherri shenanigans. Ms. Martel continues her dirty work, putting the boots to Hogan as Randy comes off of the apron with another double sledge, and more of the same gets a two count back on the inside. A chinlock follows from the future Bonesaw McGraw, and Hogan powers out with the usual. He gets a pair of shoulderblocks and a corner clothesline to follow, and Randy tries to rally with a pair of elbow drops but misses both.
Hogan then misses one of his own, and a rollup by the Macho Man gets two. A kneedrop gets two for Savage, followed by a series of quick one counts. The sleeper is next, and Hogan comes back out of that the same way that he came out of the chinlock. He takes Savage down again and goes for Sherri, allowing Macho to attack from behind and get his flying neck snap in on the Hulkster. Randy then grabs Sherri's purse and jumps off of the top rope, blasting Hogan in the head with it. Naturally, the purse is loaded according to Awful Alfred. That sets up the Savage elbow. Hogan is up rather quickly, however, and he lands the big boot. Sherri is up on the apron again, and Liz dispatches her again. Hogan then holds Savage for a slap from the first lady of wrestling, and a lariat/legdrop combo is enough to finish off the match. Afterwards, the heels receive a double noggin knocker just so that the Brits will go home even happier. Hip hip, cheerio!
Match Thoughts: Ladies and gentleman, witness Randy Savage pull every old Memphis heel tactic out of his playbook in order to build heat for the match without having to force Hogan to actually do something. This was good for a house show main event (which is probably what it was), as the crowd got to see all of the key spots and everything else that they wanted, including a lot of Sherri abuse. It's much harder to get involved in a house show main event when you're watching it on video tape, though, just because the fun of being there live is gone. As result, you're just left with a bunch of spots designed to pop a crowd without much substance. *
Match Numero Dos: WWF Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan vs. The Genius (Saturday Night Main Event, 10/31/1989)
This contest starts off with Poffo stretching and prancing a lot, generally establishing himself as a latent homosexual. He's tossed out of the ring on the first lockup and does a little flip over the top rope to get back in to things. He's shoved down on the next lockup and kips up to a chorus of boos. Lockup #3 yields some actual offense, as Hogan hiptosses and slams his opponent. Lanny then bails to avoid the big boot (get used to that spot), and he uses a marker to do a bit of math on his omnipresent scroll. Apparently, the equation will allow us to take Hogan down tonight. Poffo skins the cat to get back in, and apparently the algebra worked, because he hiptosses Hogan immediately upon his return. He prances a bit to celebrate, and another lockup yields a clean break from the Genius . . . but it's only pseudo-clean as he slaps the Hulkster in the face not long after backing off. Poffo then runs away from Hogan's wrath and performs a cartwheel and a backflip for apparently no reason other than that he can. But the Immortal One has given this punk enough offense, dammit! HULK SMASH!
And smash he does with a pair of lariats as well as the corner back elbow. That sets up an atomic drop, and Poffo even SELLS like a bad gay stereotype. Hogan mocks it to a big pop and goes up for the ten punch spot as none other than Mr. Perfect joins us at ringside. He mocks Hogan's championship belt and sticks his gum to it, which causes the Hulkster to head to the outside. Poffo follows and dropkicks him from behind, and then the merchandising machine is sent in to the post a couple of times before being reintroduced to the ring. Lanny punches away and gets the always-awe-inspiring 1989 MOONSAULT PRESS for two. So the guy just pulled off probably one of the most visually appealing and unique moves of the era. What's the result? TIME TO HULK UP, BABY! Poffo tries going to the eyes and raking the back, but it fails. Hogan responds by showing shades of one of his favorite offensive moves as a heel, the back rake. Naturally, the Genius sells it like Hogan's fingers were squirting lemon juice and salt in to the newly opened wounds. Hogan tosses the puny ant out to the floor, where Perfect nails him with a belt shot . . . and apparently the gum stuck to that thing was rock hard, because it allows the Genius to steal a count out victory! This, of course, went to set up the Hogan/Perfect match that would air on the 4/23/90 Main Event.
Match Thoughts: Not a whole lot to see here, as you can imagine. The affair was more of an angle being shot as opposed to a real match. I generally would have no problem with it being included on the tape . . . but, oddly enough, they chose not to include any of the ensuing feud. Why even bother with the set up if you're not going to show the results? On the workrate front, this was an easy night for Hogan, as this was essentially five minutes of Poffo getting heat on himself combined with two minutes of Hennig interference. *1/4
Before our third match can begin, we've got to do a little recapping. Why? Because this is a big one, as Sean Mooney begins to set up Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania VI. Things began on 1/27/90 as Hogan and the Warrior took on Mr. Perfect and our good friend the Genius. During a post-match attack by the heels, Warrior accidentally nailed Hogan, causing the two to go face to face. Then, on 3/10, Hogan took on Dino Bravo, after which Earthquake ran in wearing perhaps one of the ugliest brown outfits in the known history of man. He drops two big elbows on the Hulkster, and I actually didn't realize why this was being shown until I finally put two and two together, coming to the conclusion that this would be Hogan's out for when he eventually dropped the title. "But I was just squashed by the Earthquake, brother!" Right. We also get pre-match interviews at WMVI from both competitors, and listening to the Warrior's over a decade later makes me wonder how the character actually got over in the first place. He's just a roided up guy who is just rambling, rambling, and making absolutely no sense. I can understand popping for somebody who's been booked to get quick wins over everybody in the promotion, but Hellwig should have been dead the second that he opened his mouth. I guess that's what happens when your target demographic just got over wetting the bed.
Match Numero Tres: WWF World Champion Hulk Hogan vs. WWF Intercontinental Champion the Ultimate Warrior in a title-for-title match (Wrestlemania VI, 4/1/1990)
It wouldn't be a main event if the two men didn't stare each other down to start. We get some shoving before the first lockup, and Hogan is shoved to the buckle. They lock up again, and the same actions occur but with the roles reversed. A test of strength sees an initial stalemate turn in to a Warrior victory, but it's only a matter of time before Hogan reverses the pressure and comes out on top. The IC Champ begins to power up as well, but Hogan quickly shoves him down and gets an elbow drop for one. A Hulkster shoulderblock does absolutely nothing, so the two run the ropes like morons for a while, and Hogan eventually gets in a slam . . . only to have his opponent pop right back up. Warrior then gets a slam that actually works and sends the World Champion to the outside with a big clothesline. Hogan sells his knee after hitting the ground, but that doesn't wind up as a factor for longer than two minutes, so feel free to ignore it. Back on the inside, the leg is kicked a bit, but that is quickly traded in for some choking and eye raking by both men. The referee breaks them up but lets the match go, and the Hulkster goes back on the offensive with a corner clothesline and the ten punch spot. A slam and a pair of elbowdrops get the yellow and red dude another nearfall, and he applies the good ole' front facelock before the Warrior can build an advantage. Hogan gets a cradle out of that for another two count and now goes to the chinlock.
Oddly, there's no big comeback for the Warrior. Instead, Hulk just sort of gives up eventually and pummels UW in the corner en route to hitting a lariat for another two count and landing a backbreaker for yet another. The chinlock is reapplied and turned in to another backdrop for another pinning combo . . . and now the chinlock is applied yet again. We FINALLY get the big babyface comeback, and the two hit each other with simultaneous lariats to draw the double KO spot. Hellwig is back up to his feet first, as logic would (not) dictate, and Hogan is actually not too far behind. Warrior of all people Hulks up and gets a series of three lariats before ramming Hogan's head in to various turnbuckles. A vertical suplex nets two for Warrior, and now it's Hogan's turn to make the big comeback . . . this time out of a bearhug. After that, the Warrior collides with the referee before going up top and coming down with a pair of double sledges on to Hogan. It looks like that could finish, but the IC Champ makes the mistake of going up one more time, and Hogan sidesteps a flying shoulder block and makes his own three count in the absence of the ref. Warrior is quickly back up after that and gets a backdrop before counting his own pinfall as well. The announce team rightly notes that if this was a two out of three falls match, then we'd be even anyway and thus nobody was actually screwed.
The referee does wake up, and he counts a legitimate two off of Warrior's backdrop as Hogan gets a school boy of all things for a nearfall. However, the referee was still feeling the effects of his bump and horribly out of position as a result. A back elbow from the Immortal One sends Warrior to the floor, where the two men brawl and fight for the right to send the other in to the ring post. Warrior wins, and he gets a lariat as well as the gorilla press slam back in the ring. A splash to Hogan's back nets two, and now here's the Hulk up from the master. Hogan gets the boot, but the legdrop doesn't hit its mark, allowing the Ultimate Warrior to land a second pump splash and, in the process, join the elite club of men with clean pinfall victories over Hulk Hogan. Naturally, since we're face vs. face here, Hogan gets out of the ring and presents his opponent with the championship belt en route to the big hug.
Match Thoughts: Clearly, this was one of the most anticipated and historically significant matches in WWF history. Saying anything else would border on lunacy. The crowd heat was probably the single longest sustained reaction that anybody had ever heard up to this point, and, to this day, very few things compare with it. However, when you watch the match, there really isn't all that much to it. Granted the two do a good job in the beginning of establishing that they're very powerful and evenly matched. Yet, as things progress, there really is now internal flow or storyline, and the whole bout comes off as flat. It's not the irresistible force vs. the immovable object. It's not the young up and comer vs. the established star. It's just two guys going up against each other, using the most basic of offense. The crowd wanted to see it, and thus the match would probably never be poo-pooed at the time, but it hardly holds up once the emotional attachment from the characters is removed. Final score: **
From that huge historical match, we go to Sean Mooney in the Events Center. Penthouse, meet outhouse. Mooney puts over the good sportsmanship of both men and lets us know that things were actually about to get worse for our beloved Hulkster.
Match Numero Cuatro: Hulk Hogan vs. Earthquake w/ Jimmy Hart (Madison Square Garden, 4/30/1990)
Earthquake and Hart ambush Hogan while "Real American" is still playing, instantly making them BIG TIME heels. Forearms galore result, and we even get the EARTHQUAKE FLEX! Say what you will about John Tenta as a worker, but a really fat man repeatedly trying to flex his biceps just never loses its charm. A post-flex elbowdrop misses, however, and Hogan punches away at his opponent to set up a corner lariat, a series of chops, an elbow to the head, and another lariat. Tenta is only down to one knee after all of this, and Jimmy Hart pops up to the apron in order to save his charge. Hogan decks him and goes to the outside, allowing Earthquake to send the babyface in to the ring post not once, but twice. Then, back on the inside, Hogan goes for a cross body block . . . a move that he has never actually hit before, mind you . . . and winds up being caught by 'Quake. I still want to figure out the wrestler logic that says, "Hey, I've never actually tried this move before. Lemme give it a shot when I'm in a big match and the other guy has a very good chance of countering!" Anyway, a pair of elbowdrops gets the big man two, and he then lifts Hogan in to a bearhug position before just dropping him back first in to the turnbuckles. Twice.
The future fish misses an avalanche, however, and Hogan attempts a slam, but it doesn't quite work out. He manages to stay in control, though, and sets up what looks like the ten punch spot...only it's actually a fourteen punch spot this time around for some reason. Hulk must be REALLY mad. He goes for the slam again, but Quake falls on top for a two count and reapplies the dreaded bear hug. Naturally, Hogan's arm remains erect the third time that the referee checks it, and he punches out of the hold, only to be taken right back down by a shoulderblock from the big man. The Earthquake butt splash follows . . . but it only gets two! I don't know how he actually kicked out of that one given the incredible amount of weight directly on his shoulders, but wrestling and physics have never been friends. The usual Hulking up procedure ensues, but Jimmy Hart makes a run-in after the leg drop in order to save his man. After the match, Hart is press slammed in to his charge, and then Hogan finally manages to get that elusive body slam on the four hundred pounder.
Match Thoughts: Odd how that when Hogan sells and makes his opponents actually look like a threat he generates HUGE crowd interest. Maybe he should've taken a look at matches like this during the twilight years of his career. Much like the Warrior match, the crowd was eating this one up with a spoon, but the match was hardly anything to look at if you weren't wrapped up in the Hogan character . . . hell, he didn't even do anything particularly impressive to get people in to the match while wrestling it. He just built up the character through his charisma on the mic and let that carry the rest. Of course it's, not like the guy's MO is some big secret in the wrestling world, so I don't know why I'm actually bothering to explain it. *3/4
We now recap the Brother Love Show from the 5/26/90 edition of WWF Superstars of Wrestling, as Jimmy Hart distracts Hogan while Earthquake ambushes him from behind with a steel chair. Hulk then gets not one, not two, but THREE butt splashes to set up the angle in which Hogan contemplated retirement. An unintentionally hilarious music video is shown, as vintage Hogan moments are aired and then suddenly cut off by shots of Tenta's POWER ASS DROP! I don't know why, but hearing a cymbal crash every time John Tenta's sweaty, pasty white crotch region is shown had me rolling on the floor with laughter. The sympathy campaign generates tons of get well mail to the Hulkster, and he eventually cuts a promo in which he lets everybody know that he will not retire . . . in fact, he's going to accept a challenge from Earthquake and Hart. Guess where that leads us.
Match Numero Cinco: Hulk Hogan w/ The Big Bossman vs. Earthquake w/ Jimmy Hart & Dino Bravo (WWF Summerslam, 8/27/90)
Great Roddy Piper line on color commentary: "You know those so-so girls that hang out with the really ugly girls to feel good about themselves? That's what Dino's doing with Earthquake."
The initial lockup between the two men is a stalemate, and Earthquake gets the advantage on number two, shoving the returning babyface a couple of times before taking him down with a shoulderblock. Hogan rolls out to talk strategy with the Bossman, and you've got to wonder why the Hulkster, the guy who was considered the best wrestler in the business at the time, actually needed to get advice from a midcarder in a powder blue cop uniform. Oh well, it's better than asking Tugboat for his opinion, which is almost what happened. Hogan returns and goes to the eyes, but his attempt at a bodyslam fails as Earthquake takes over with some forearms to the back en route to sending his opposition in to the buckle. Quake runs in to a boot, however, and Hogan hammers away before nailing both Bravo and Jimmy Hart. Earthquake bails to regroup, but the Bossman and Hogan toss both he and Dino back in to the ring. The bad guys eat double big boots from the good guys, but Bravo nails Hogan while the referee is distracted, and the Canadian duo lands a double slam on the former champion. An Earthquake elbow drop gets two after that, and he stomps on the Hulkster's fingers just for fun. More my fun than his, but fun nonetheless. Then, in one of those Bizarro World moments, 'Qauke puts on a Boston crab, though the Hulkster is close to the ropes and makes them.
Our hero rolls to the outside after that punishment, and Bravo slams him on the floor before returning him to the ring. Tenta gets a slam of his own, but an elbow misses. Hulk looks to get his slam in yet again, and Johnny boy falls on top for two. The bearhug is applied, and Hulk keeps his arm up the first time it's checked, ripping up Dave Hebner's shirt in the process. (Don't ask me why.) Hogan punches out of the hold, and a series of shoulderblocks stagger the Earthquake, but the Hulkster ridiculously jumps in to the bigger man's arms yet again, and a slam results. A one-footed pin nets a nearfall for the heel. A pair of butt splashes follow, but Hogan manages to kick out . . . again, don't ask me how. The big boot, the slam, and the legdrop all follow in short order, but Dino Bravo provides a distraction while Hart runs in and blasts Hogan. He's then thrown in to Earthquake, and the entire group winds up on the outside for a big brawl. The Mouth of the South accidentally hits his man with the megaphone, and Hogan slams Tenta on to a ringside table before rolling back in the ring to earn a count out victory. Bossman grabs a chair to save Hogan from the post-match beatdown, and he repeatedly whacks Tenta in the back with it, leaving perhaps the scariest welts I've ever seen in wrestling.
Match Thoughts: Aside from the involvement from the folks on the outside, this was essentially the exact same match as the Madison Square Garden bout already aired on the same tape . . . and, surprise, the interference didn't really make it any better. *1/2
Hogan took a little time off after this match to film his second feature film, Suburban Commando. Frighteningly, it wound up being the best Hulk Hogan movie in existence. (And NO, I don't count his cameo in Muppets in Space.) We get to watch a scene with Christopher Lloyd being filmed, and then Gene Okerlund conducts a little interview with Hogan about his upcoming return. Nothing of note is actually said, but I managed to get a chuckle out of the incredibly fake weave that the Hulkster was sporting.
Match Numero Seis: Hulk Hogan vs. Ted DiBiase w/ Zeus (Joined in Progress)
As we join the bout, DiBiase has taken Hogan down with a lariat, and that gets two. Some elbows to the Hulkster's chrome dome follow, and a vertical suplex gets another nearfall. A double suplex also gets two for Ted, but Hogan powers out of a chinlock before hitting a shoulderblock and a lariat. Zeus, serving as DiBiase's "insurance policy," nails the Immortal One as he comes off of the ropes, and the Million Dollar Man gets a pair of fistdrops and a top rope kneedrop for two. Again, Hogan Hulks up immediately after the most dangerous move in his opponent's arsenal, and Ted eats the boot as Zeus runs in. He collides with DiBiase, however, and the bad guy gets rolled up for a three count. The staredown with Zeus ensues, but Trillionaire Ted attacks from behind, allowing Tiny Lister to hit his fabled neck snap to set up the Million Dollar Dream. Eventually Jake the Snake makes a run-in for the save, and Damien is enough to scare off the heels. Not nearly enough to rate, but dear god DiBiase was so out of place in the WWF main event scene of the era.
Match Numero Siete: Hulk Hogan & Tugboat vs. Dino Bravo & Earthquake w/ Jimmy Hart
And we wrap up the tape with this Coliseum Video exclusive match. Hogan starts off by locking up with Dino Bravo, and he actually gets shoved back in to the corner. Tugboat comes in to protest that for some odd reason, but the Hulkster talks his friend back in to the corner, and, for some reason, the men on the outside move to different corners of the ring. A second lockup sees Hogan take Bravo to the corner, and the Hulkster follows up with a backdrop and an elbow before taking a shot at Jimmy Hart. That brings Tugboat in legally, and the faces get a double back elbow before Dusty Rhodes' son-in-law applies an armbar. Hogan comes back in and heads to the second rope, coming off with a double sledge to the arm! Holy shit . . . Terry's a high flyer! Hulk Mysetrio applies a hammerlock before bringing Tub-boat right back in to continue the arm work. Bravo shoves him off and in to the corner, and the fat man runs in to a boot. Dino follows with an inverted atomic drop, which looks a lot more impressive than it actually is. (It's very easy to lift a man from that position.) He then trades off to Earthquake who misses an elbow as Tugboat brings in Hogan. Tenta begs off as a result, and the Hulkster goes to the eyes to set up the ten punch spot, as well as some biting. A corner lariat follows from the red and yellow machine, and the bodyslam actually works on the first try this time around. Tugboat runs in to take out Dino Bravo, and both heels eat a double big boot from Mr. Bollea and Mr. Ottman. The heels quickly take over, however, getting a double team slam on Tugboat, and an Earthquake elbow drops gets what is surprisingly only the first nearfall of the match. Bravo tags in and comes off of the top with a forearm on Tugboat, and a double lariat gets another two count for the heels. Bravo manages to charge directly in to a boot, however, and the Hulkster is in to hit his boot and roll the Canadian strongman up for three.
Match Thoughts: Really weird sort of tag match where the faces pretty much dominated the entire time, minus a couple of double team moves on Tugboat. It was probably just designed to send a house show crowd home happy after seeing all of their favorite trademark spots, and that it seemed to do. I'm always a fan of things that serve their intended purposes, but it doesn't exactly translate to something that you're going to watch to watch on video ten years later. 1/2*
Final Thoughts
Number of Matches: 7 Highest Star Rating: ** Lowest Star Rating: 1/2* Average Star Rating (ratable matches only): *1/2
Yeah, I'm not the biggest Hulk Hogan fan in the world, and it shows. Typically speaking, the matches aren't all that great, but it is vintage Hogan . . . so anybody who was in to his schtick (or is in to his schtick for that matter) should enjoy the collection. However, even though the wrestling itself might not be the best in the world, this is an interesting video to watch because it essentially catalogues just about every tactic known to man about doing as little as possible while milking as much crowd reaction as possible from it. In the highspot-friendly twenty-first century, that is slowly becoming a lost art, so definitely take a look at this if you're interested in how to captivate a crowd with nothing more than a simple knuckle lock. But, if you're looking for workrate, look elsewhere.
