The FlipSide Wrestling Report 01.14.2006
Posted by Ryan K. Boman on 01.14.2006
A report so good that you’ll think Mike Melchor is back in charge of this thing.
I want you to want me. I need you to need me.
Now that we have that little tidbit out of the way, I hope you are all doing well on this Saturday. The early part of 2006 is starting to shape up in rather interesting fashion, as gas prices creep back up and the economy continues to be flat. Yep, with all the bad news out there, you don't need some jackass like me delivering any more. But in order to be honest in this space, we must explore both the good and the bad of the world of sports entertainment. And unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of bad going on this week—at least, in my opinion there is.
So allow me to dazzle you with my acid-tongued sarcasm, sharp wit, and incredibly tight, muscular ass in a little thing we like to call the FlipSide Wrestling Report. I hope you enjoy this week's fun and games.
From the 411 news wire... Kurt Angle wins the World title on Smackdown: Along with a lot of other crazy shit that happened at this week's taping. Somehow, the show went from being "business as usual" to extremely weird. Batista forfeits the title, Boogeyman bit off Jillian's mole, and Angle gets a little bit of love as a face. In a related story, there are unconfirmed reports that all hell has broken loose and that pigs are flying. More details will be posted here as they become available.
On the debut of Bubba the Love Sponge on Sirius, Hulk Hogan stated that he wants to wrestle Steve Austin at WrestleMania this year but that he hasn't spoken to Vince McMahon since Summerslam. Hogan added that he hears a few higher ups in WWE are trying to "sour" Vince on the idea.
Bubba said that WrestleMania is shaping up to be weak this year so Vince needs to make Hogan/Austin happen: Nice to know that a wrestling insider like Bubba the Love Sponge can tell me (already) how good WrestleMania is going to be this year. Apparently, if Austin and Hogan don't wrestle, it's not worth buying. Again, Hogan shows his uncanny ability to hype himself as bigger than the business itself. And, unfortunately, he has idiot followers like this DJ to help him in the process. By the way, I've heard this guy's show before, and it's a playground of talentless morons. Then again, so is this news report.
Vince McMahon is apparently not happy with the job Joey Styles is doing as lead announcer on Raw. Vince recently took Joey aside to explain to him what he is doing wrong. He told Styles that he wasn't calling ECW matches for the Internet marks anymore and that he had a long way to go before he was truly the lead announcer they want. Vince also explained that they put on stories and drama, not just wrestling: Styles has made the transition admirably, in my opinion. Then again, this guy touches on wrestling's past during his commentary, knows every hold in the book, and seems genuinely excited to be part of the RAW broadcast team. So, it's apparent to me, that he has to go. He takes this stuff WAY too seriously.
In related news... WWE is also interested in bringing back Jim Ross in some capacity. Apparently they are really missing what Ross can bring to the product. The decision is up to Ross; who is feeling great after his colon surgery: I really think good ol' JR should just ride off into the sunset. No offense to him, but his health has been an issue recently. Also, I don't think that Vince and Company realize what they have with Styles. Give him time, and he could become the next real voice of WWE. As far as being an on-screen character and not an announcer, Ross has never fit any other role other than play-by play-man. To try to bring him back as a GM-type character would be like putting a pig on roller skates. It just won't work. Let the Oklahoma Sooner continue to cool his heels at home on the ranch. Just make sure he has plenty of barbecue sauce in the cabinet.
Also... Brock Lesnar and Reno Mero have tied the knot: Good for them, and congratulations. There was apparently a prenuptial agreement before the wedding. In the event of a divorce, Brock isn't able to sue for any of Sable's AARP benefits.
Even More about Brock: Lesnar and WWE continue to go round and round about this no-compete clause thing. The Judge in the case apparently has told WWE that if they don't come up with a credible argument by 1/25, Lesnar will be granted the freedom to wrestle anywhere immediately. This includes TNA, of course. Something tells me Lesnar is going to come out smelling like a rose on this one, folks.
Sting to make his TNA debut at Final Resolution: As you all know, he will be tagging with Christian. I think the biggest aspect of this whole Sting signing is that we will finally get to see him paired with different partners, as well as wrestling people he's never wrestled before. Matches with Abyss, Monty Brown, etc. are something I'm really looking forward to seeing.
Ring of Honor Update: No news from me once again. Face it, you're asking the wrong guy. Read Ari Berenstein's stuff. It's quality. And, he may be more informed on RoH than any human being on the planet.
The Made-Up News... Boogeyman puts hex on the Smackdown locker room: In an unconfirmed report, several WWE insiders have stated the Boogeyman has placed a voodoo-like curse on his fellow Smackdown wrestlers. Apparently, this curse involves several of the top stars of the show, including Booker T and Dave Batista, to be injured at the most inopportune of times. No word as of yet if the Boogeyman will be reprimanded for his actions. According to internet reports, Jeff Jarrett vows he will lose the NWA title again sometime before 2007: Upon hearing this, the entire TNA locker room burst into uncontrollable laughter. Christopher Daniels joked that it is impossible to lose a title that you never defend, and Rhyno actually pulled two muscles in his rib cage from chuckling so hard. Jarrett has decided to cut several long, dry promos over the next few weeks to explain this matter even further. Stay tuned to Impact to hear what the King of the Mountain has to say. First suicide, then sex...now THIS? In an attempt to capitalize on the incredible success of the Tim White suicide angle and the Edge-Lita "live sex show", Vince McMahon and the WWE writing team have looked to go even further. In the angle of all angles, the Big Show will convert to Judaism and be circumcised LIVE on an upcoming episode of RAW. When asked if special, much larger surgical equipment will be needed, a WWE spokesman had no comment. Rabbi Harvey Foreskinstein will perform the procedure.
The Wrestling Geek Selection of the Week: Watch WrestleMania 3 again. That's your assignment, class. Pop it in the DVD player or the ol' VCR and see that monstrous crowd. Relive the beauty of Savage vs. Steamboat, and the titanic struggle of Hogan vs. Andre. It will make you feel better about being a wrestling fan than today's product does. Trust me.
That's all for your weekly ride on the merry-go-round, kids. Please join me next Saturday for more asinine views on the current events of the mat world. I promise we will continue to be as ridiculous as possible in this space. In the meantime, I hope all you turnbuckle heads have a great week.
