The Wrestling News Experience: 01.16.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 01.16.2006
Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Kurt Angle. Kurt blocked it and broke Chuck's ankle. With a broken freaking neck.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the most cultured column on 411. Because when you live in Canada, you don't have to go overseas for eight years to learn a second language. Proof yet again that Canada rocks. I am Stephen Randle, and this is my country. The rest of you are only here because I allow it.
Aren't I the nicest bastard in the whole wide world? Truth is, it's been a bipolar week here at the Experience, and it seems my civility has slipped because of it. But hey, I figure if Larry can swear like a sailor some weeks and still be beloved, a little megalomania by me will easily be forgiven. And if that's not true, well, fuck it. Like I need justification.
The Patriots suck, the Colts suck, the Bears suck, and whoever that fourth team that lost was suck. If I cared about football one way or the other, that might mean something to me.
Oh, and my World of Warcraft server currently has an 800 person queue, which equals a one hour wait to enter the game. Two weeks ago, there was no queue. Blizzard is strangely silent on this sudden influx of players into the game, especially since there's actual math available which proves that it's impossible for such a queue to exist.
But hey, at least I have free cable, so I can watch Raw and Impact after four months without. Too bad apparently I've had the free cable for four months and didn't know.
Oh yeah, and everyone else has been right for so long. 24 is the greatest thing on TV. I'll be taping it tonight. That's right, I'm watching Raw and taping 24. You dance with the one that brung you.
Moving on to news you might care about. Or not, whatever.
Around The Horn
In the aftermath of Batista tearing his triceps muscle last week at a house show, Kurt Angle quickly moved to Smackdown and won the vacated World Heavyweight title in a battle royal. Nitpickers were quick to argue that this was a crappy idea that made no sense, while everyone whose opinions actually matter decided to celebrate the fact that Kurt Angle won the World Heavyweight title, thus leading to the promise of awesome title matches for the forseeable future. And by everyone whose opinions actually matter, I mean me. And Dino Zucconi, but we didn't talk about Angle, just the awesomeness of Edge's title win. It was a good week to be us.
More or less importantly, WWE spoiled the results of their Smackdown taping on their website, and even sent the results out on their mailing list, exhorting fans to watch Kurt Angle win the title. Presumably the idea was to attempt and boost viewers, but you'd have to think that just announcing that Batista was vacating the title and there would be some decision on who would be champion, or even announce that there would be a match to decide the champion, would be enough to pique interest. Plus, WWE has spent many years attempting to kayfabe the fact that Smackdown is taped Tuesday nights, and chose to ignore it for some reason. I'd say it's safe to say that WWE is in a small upheaval right now, and nobody's quite sure what's going to happen tomorrow, let alone next week. Well, at least it's not boring.
And in more news that doesn't make a lick of sense, apparently Vince McMahon is unhappy with Joey Styles' announcing thus far, since it seems that actually calling the match is not high on his list of priorities. Well, congratulations, Vince, you have officially and finally publicly revealed that you have completely lost touch with why people watch professional wrestling. I think we've pretty much reached the point where people are actively wishing that Shane really had stabbed Vince in that Royal Rumble commercial.
And then done the dance, too. He would probably beat the murder rap if he did the dance.
Lita's breast made a presumably unscheduled appearance on Raw, and quickly her name became one of the hottest search topics on the web. That's why I said "presumably". 411 Movies Editor Scott Rutherford offered the staff free hookers if they would vote Lita's breast as 411 Wrestler of the Week. Later on, 411 Wrestling Editor Larry Csonka threatened me with physical harm if I did. So I voted for Kurt Angle. Larry scares me.
Stacy Keibler and her dance partner scored 29/30 last week on Dancing with the Stars, got a standing ovation, and was very, very hot. I guess the last point is probably the most important.
And yes, I watched her segment. See the last point.
WWE is advertising fatal fourway title matches for Smackdown house shows involving Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Mark Henry, and the Undertaker. I'm not sure Jesus could pull a miracle big enough to make that match good.
The Armageddon buyrate was shockingly good, especially for a card that I believed I referred to as "one of the worst built in modern wrestling". I'm going to assume that a lot of people had nothing better to do that night.
And from the offices of the Brock Watch, apparently a judge has told WWE that if they don't actually give him a real reason soon, he'll be ruling that Brock can wrestle wherever he damned well pleases, and that includes TNA. I bet that vein in Vince's forehead is doing all sorts of interesting things lately.
And hey, aren't we supposed to have a new Raw GM by now?
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 01.17.05, and I was going to bat for Kurt Angle. That's right, without my support, he never would have won that World Heavyweight title last week. You're welcome.
And WWE was running Rumble qualifier matches at house shows, and I lauded them, while cautioning that they'd flush it away by letting losers into the match anyway. So they did (Hussan being a big one who comes to mind). Go WWE!
And we were gearing up for the first ever WWE Barbed Wire Cage match between Big Show and JBL, and I questioned if either man could actually climb out of a steel cage. Hey, look at that, turns out I was right, as neither man did.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 01.09.06
- Booker T, SD!, out six-eight weeks as of January 2 (leg injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Eugene, RAW, suspended indefinitely as of November 19 (drug rehab)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- RVD, RAW, out until January 2006 (knee surgery)
Transactions
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 9 (triceps)
A huge blow to a brand that was barely keeping its head above water in terms of the main event that has been strip-mined by Raw, injuries, Christian's resignation, and the loss of Eddie Guerrero. But hey, it could have been worse, they could have put the title on Orton.
- Jillian Hall, SD!, presumably being taken off TV
Hey, at least they got rid of the "mole", but why, as is rumoured, replace her with another Diva as JBL's manager? JBL doesn't need a manager. Managers are for people who need someone to speak for them. JBL speaks for himself. At great length. Whether you want him to or not.
- Kurt Angle, RAW, appeared on Smackdown
Hey, and I thought Mark Henry suddenly appearing on Smackdown was an unexplained jump. Now they have a champion who isn't even part of the brand, and who will still be appearing on Raw tonight. But I remind you, at least Kurt Angle is the champion. Because Kurt Angle rocks on any show, and he rocks twice as hard as champion.
- RVD, RAW, will return for the Royal Rumble match
See, I disagree with this because, unless they have a sudden desire to push him and have him win, the Rumble match is a horrible way to reintroduce guys who might actually contribute meaningfully to the main event, because somebody will eliminate them, making them look weak. Unless, and this is just a way-out theory that I will trumpet if I'm right and ignore if I'm wrong, they have him eliminate Trip and decide to have Trip-RVD at Mania, leaving Cena-Edge for the title match. But of course, that would make sense and involve decent long-term booking, so it won't happen.
- Trinity, signed to a contract with WWE
And the early word is that she'll be working as Orlando Jordan's love interest. But that's not all, because apparently OJ is, get this, bisexual! Oh, yeah, that makes any sense at all. Okay, I can live with stereotypical homosexual gimmicks, they at least, in theory, could draw heat of some sort. But there's not really a huge amount of public opinion either way about bisexuals. Unless they're female, of course.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Larry has the live coverage report of Final Resolution, as Samoa Joe continues to beat people up at will.
My favourite reader BT covers a variety of topics, but I'll address his final point, which is that perhaps Shane Helms losing to Jerry Lawler is just setting up a figurative "death" of his previous persona, in preparation for another. Then he switches sides and agrees that Helms is probably screwed and will get fired because Creative "has nothing for him". And that brings up (and so does he) the argument that since it's Creative's job to find things to do with wrestlers, perhaps they should be the ones getting fired, and not the wrestlers. I guess it goes down to an old saying in pro sports for teams that perform badly, "you can't fire the entire team, so you fire the coach". Oh, wait...that seems to support the Creative firing idea. Go figure.
Rick Funcannon is happy about the Edge win, but didn't like the short match. I agree that Edge needs to show off that he can wrestle, but I'm actually perfectly happy that he won in a one-minute decision to capture the title. Heels don't steal titles in fair fights, they take every advantage they can, and Edge worked it to perfection.
And he addressed the possibility of a John Cena heel turn beginning last week, so let's look at my views on the subject. John Cena should not turn heel. John Cena just needs to be a dick. People didn't like him because he was a heel or a face, they liked him because he was a dick. And because he was hot, but that's just the female fanbase, and men don't feel comfortable addressing that aspect of wrestling. The problem, which everyone but WWE Creative seems to see, is that they want to find the next Austin, but they won't let their wrestlers do what Austin did.
What was that? Well, he did what he wanted, fought anyone who was willing, and didn't give a damn if the crowd cheered him or not. It wasn't the five million skits where Austin got the better of Vince McMahon, despite what they seem to think (and why they keep recreating the skits), it was what the skits represented: a man who kicked ass, took names, and as a side effect, was entertaining as hell to watch.
But WWE won't let any wrestler cut loose like that any more without prior approval, so instead, nobody does anything that doesn't look the least bit scripted, which is not entertaining in the least. And we're back to white vs black, good vs evil, all good guys like each other, and they only fight bad guys. Whee, what excitement. Similarly, that's why the fans cheer Angle. They know that his anti-fan, anti-American sentiment is totally scripted to make him a bad guy, but his actions in the ring make him beloved. Namely, he kicks ass and destroys other wrestlers. So fans love him. Let Cena cut loose on everyone, stop scripting what he and other wrestlers say, and you might be surprised at fan reaction.
And One To Go On
Women are crazy. Not just the regular, everyday crazy that you see in the drunken hobo on the streets of Toronto, either. I mean, genetically, thoroughly, completely, fully, stark raving, dancing in the streets, crazy. And I swear that they don't have any idea that they are, in fact, quite nuts, and in their crazy existence, they seem determined to drive me crazy as well. Good thing it's a short trip.
I just thought you should know.
411 will have extensive Raw coverage tonight, starting with live recapping at 9 pm. Larry will be in tomorrow, and who knows who I'll be next week.
