Cheap Wretling for Cheap People 01.19.06: Accuracy by Volume
Posted by Ryan Byers on 01.19.2006
Another Cheap Wrestling tip plus match reviews featuring Jimmy Snuka, DDP, Jerry Lynn, and the genius that is El Jefe.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. As always, we're bringing you the latest tips on how to find wrestling tapes on DVDs for low prices, followed up by a full review of one example of that low-priced merchandise. This week, we'll be taking a look at a wrestling promotion that has flooded the market with cheap wrestling since the year 2000 and has recently taken efforts to consolidate its best bouts in to a few easy to purchase compilations.
Before we do that, though, there's a bit of old business to take care of.
Clarifying a Bit
Last week, I was taking a look at a Hulk Hogan vs. Ted DiBiase match and made the following comment: "[D]ear god DiBiase was so out of place in the WWF main event scene of the era."
In the words of Space Ghost on the Danger Doom album, "Have you lost your fucking mind?" Ted DiBiase is not only the single most underrated heel of all time but pound for pound physically one of the best wrestlers of all time. The worst decision WWF made during the shitty Hogan era is not giving DiBiase a run with the strap as a main eventer. Not even ONCE. Even when he bought a title they didn't let him keep it. While paranoid shitzos like Hogan and Savage
hogged all the glory, it was the guys like DiBiase and Roberts who made me want to watch wrestling every week.
Well, I guess we know where the first half of his domain name came from. For anybody else who may have interpreted my comment in the same way, let me just say that I was not attempting to say that DiBiase did not deserve his spot in the main event. What I was trying to get across was the fact that the Million Dollar Man was a gifted wrestler amid a sea of slow moving slugs not fit to shine his boots. Though it was great that Teddy's performances kept the WWF main event scene from being completely unwatchable, I would have been a lot more happy if we were on a roster where his abilities could have been used to their fullest potential. Just think about what the guy could have done with some of the NWA/WCW workers of his era, and I think you'll get my drift.
Now that we've finished with Iron Mike's son, let's once again prove that you don't have to be the Million Dollar Man in order to afford some great wrestling action.
Cheap Wrestling Tip #28: Accuracy by Volume
Though I've never been able to afford regular participation in the sport, I always have a lot of fun when a group of my friends and I head out to the local paintball course. It was there that I was first introduced to the phrase "accuracy by volume." The concept (which is admittedly a bit contradictory) goes like this: If you go through a ton of ammunition and exert minimal effort in aiming, you're bound to hit something eventually. It was used by my paintball partners to describe the efforts of individuals who would just fire a steady stream of balls in the general direction of the opposing team, which of course would be contrasted by more conservative players who take their time in lining up more specific shots. Believe it or not, the concept also applies when you're buying wrestling DVDs. How so? Let's say that I have a choice between two DVDs, both of which are the same price. I know nothing about the two companies producing the titles, and the talent of the individual wrestlers on the shows appears to be roughly equivalent. With those factors being equal, it stands to reason that I'm more likely to find a match that I like on the DVD with the longer run time. This is especially true when the DVD is a compilation featuring matches from many different shows or promotions.
So, the next time that you want to try out a wrestling promotion with which you are unfamiliar and have a choice between two different companies, select the one whose tapes run longer. You'll see more matches, more promos, and more wrestlers, thus increasing the odds that SOMETHING will tickle your fancy.
One wrestling company that we've already seen in this column generally does a good job of producing DVDs that are just loaded with footage, thus providing a variety of different styles and appealing to many different groups of wrestling fans. It's California's Ultimate Pro Wrestling. Their two newest releases, "Superstars" and "Road to Glory" continue that trend, each clocking in at over three hours long and each costing under $20. I'll be looking at UPW Superstars this week, though many of the same matches appear on Road to Glory, so this review should provide insight in to the quality of both titles.
Title: UPW Superstars Released By: Ultimate Pro Wrestling Release Year: 2005 Run Time: 180 Minutes (plus bonus features) Found At: Sam Goody Price: $7.99
Match Numero Uno: Jerry Lynn vs. Evan Karagis vs. Frankie Kazarian (c) for the UPW Lightweight Championship
Evan Karagis? Yikes, I haven't heard from him in quite some time. Yeah, it's the same guy from Three Count, except he's lost his white boy dreadlocks and now has some incredibly ripped up abs.
Lynn and Kazarian open with a double drop toe hold on Karagis before turning on each other. All three men trade basic takedowns and then miss a series of splashes before landing a series of rollups. That culminates in a big standoff, which the audience was supposed to applaud but did not. After that, Lynn slaps a headlock on Frankie and hits his guillotine legdrop not long after letting the hold go. He comes back in to the ring with a springboard splash, but Karagis cuts off the ensuing pinfall with a guillotine legdrop of his own. Evan then gets a powerslam on the champ for a two count, and his vertical suplex also can't get the job done. JL comes out of nowhere after that one, hitting Karagis with a cross body from the top rope and catching Kazarian with a second rope rana. Evan takes over on the former ECW Champ at this point, going for his powerslam again but having it blocked. Karagis looks to regain the advantage with a cross body, but he blows the spot BADLY, causing the crowd to let out a collective groan. Kazarian takes the upper hand after Evan's mistake, doing a spot in which he comes off of the second rope and hits a sunset flip on both men. The Future only gets two, but he stays on Kazarian and applies the bridging STF. It doesn't last long, as Lynn runs in and gets Kazarian in to the abdominal stretch, which is blocked with a hiptoss. Kazarian then comes off of the second rope with a springboard legrdop on to Karagis, and he sits around selling as Lynn works over Even. The former boy band member looks to take over by snapping Lynn's neck over the top rope, which he follows up on by using a springboard cross body block. It only gets two, and then Kazarian and Karagis begin trading forearms before Evan does the old bulldog-out-of-an-inverted powerbomb spot. He follows that with a DDT on Lynn, but it's only good for a nearfall.
Our next big spot is the stacked superplex, which you know we had to see at some point in the evening. Lynn gets the cradle piledriver on Karagis not long thereafter, but Kazarian steals the pin to eliminate Karagis from the match. The two men exchange forearms, and then they both go for cross body blocks at the same time, slamming in to each other in mid-air. Lynn is the first to his feet after that one, and he gets an advantage by sending Frankie in to the ropes. Lynn then looks for another Irish whip, which leads to Kazarian taking the Harley Race bump over the turnbuckle and down to the floor. JL follows him out with a flipping plancha from the apron, but Kazarian surprises him with a slingshot DDT as he attempts to reenter the ring. That gets two, and the Future stays on his opponent with a bridging electric chair drop for two. The champ looks for a flatliner after that one, but Lynn blocks and gets an inverted DDT for two. A subsequent tornado DDT from Lynn is unsuccessful, and his TKO also can't put Kazarian away. Lynn attempts a suplex after that, but Kazarian reverses it and goes behind his opponent with a cobra clutch of all things. That gets broken after about twenty seconds, and then Kazarian goes for the cradle piledriver. Lynn blocks it, though, reversing in to the Kryptonite Crunch for a two count. He goes for another cradle piledriver after that, but it's blocked by Kazarian, who then brings his opponent off of the top rope with a rana, which Lynn rolls through with a sunset flip. The Future is undeterred, though, as he scores with a flatliner seconds later to get the three count and retain his championship.
Match Thoughts: Just a few weeks ago, I reviewed another cruiserweight triple threat match featuring Jerry Lynn, and I'll be damned if he didn't walk out and wrestle the exact same match. People talk about Ric Flair or Bret Hart being repetitive wrestlers, but this was almost move-for-move the same match out of Jerry Lynn . . . so much so that the business is horribly exposed if you watch the two of them in succession.
Of course, you can't really blame Lynn for that one, given that he was working both matches against tiny indy crowds on opposite sides of the continent. Actually, this match was a little bit better than the Jerry Lynn bouts I've watched in recent months, because he and his opponents didn't go absolutely crazy with highspots that should have ended the match. It is true that there really was no psychology in this one and that it was just spot after spot after spot. However, it has one redeeming quality in the fact that the spots were not so huge that one's suspension of disbelief would be completely shattered. Everything looked like stuff that could legitimately be kicked out of, and that's a lot more than you can say for many of today's indy matches. **
Match Numero Dos: Adam Pearce w/ The Big Schwag vs. Jimmy Snuka
Adam Pearce is an indy wrestler originally out of Chicago, who was transplanted to Southern California and has spent the majority of his career there. He's recently made a few appearances in Ring of Honor, though he's failed to impress a lot of fans of that promotion. On the other side of the ring, we have Jimmy Snuka wrestling in the twenty-first century. The less we actually say about that the better.
Pearce ambushes Snuka before the bell, hitting some basic blows and a corner clothesline. A vertical suplex is next from Scrap Iron, but he ducks his head for a back body drop and gets headbutted by the Fijian. Chops are next from the Superfly, and he goes for a bodyslam that results in Pearce's foot knocking out the referee. That allows Pearce's manager the Big Schwag to throw powder in Snuka's eyes, after which Pearce spikes the Superfly with a nice looking piledriver. The referee registers a three count, but Snuka's foot actually made it on to the bottom rope. The bout restarts because of that, and Jimmy gets a backbreaker and the Superfly Splash not long after that. Naturally, it gets him the victory.
Match Thoughts: This was just about as good as you'd expect a two minute match featuring a sixty year old wrestler to be. DUD
Match Numero Tres: Mike "The Miz" Mizanin & Lil Nate vs. Tony Stradlin & Kid Vicious
Most everybody should recognize Mizanin as "that guy from the Real World" as well as a contestant on MTV's fourth Tough Enough and a current developmental wrestler. Lil Nate, meanwhile, is a UPW trainee who makes Spanky look like the Big Show and makes Meng's afro look like Bob Backlund's crew cut. According to the announcers, Stradlin first made a name for himself in NWA Wildside, while Vicious spent some time training in the Hart Family Dungeon.
Nate starts off with Stradlin, and the little guy outfoxes him early, escaping a hiptoss to get in a dropkick and an armdrag. That brings Miz in to the ring for a top rope fistdrop and an arm-wringer. Nate tags back in for more of the same, but Tony quickly escapes the armbar and tags out to Vicious. The Kid screws things up, running in to an armdrag. That takedown sets up another tag to Mizanin, who knocks his man out of the ring with a lariat. When the two reenter, Vicious escapes a dropkick and gets in a nice DDT and a lariat. The two heels trade off on Mizanin after that, hitting him with some relatively basic offense. Michael creates a bit of hope when he superkicks one opponent and then DDTs the other, and then a jawbreaker finally gets him the tag to Lil Nate. Nate gets a sleeper on Stradlin, but that's broken by Vicious, who is quickly knocked out of the ring by Mizanin. That leaves Nate to hit an enzuguri on Stradlin, but Vicious saves again and nails a brainbuster. Naturally, Miz breaks up that pinning combination, after which he hits an inverted DDT on Tony. A Rocket Launcher from the good guys is next, and that allows them to take home the victory.
Match Thoughts: Though I don't know too much about Stradlin and Vicious, Nate and Mizanin were both relatively new to the wrestling world when this match took place, and I have to say that it showed in the ring. The competitors kept things quick here, and it was all limited to basic moves like arm drags, DDTs, and lariats. I have no problem with that sort of thing when you're dealing with inexperienced wrestlers, but it's still not going to get a particularly high rating. *, although everybody looked good for the stage in the game that they were at.
Match Numero Cuatro: The Predator vs. Ken Shamrock
For those not familiar with the Predator, his real name is Sylvester Terkay, and he was an excellent amateur wrestler in his day, winning two NCAA Championships and even beating Kurt Angle on at least one occasion. He trained to wrestle professionally not long after that, and he was the first ever UPW Champion. He also had a WWF developmental deal some time ago and competed in OVW, although he never managed to make it any further in the company. After that he bounced around the indies for a while before winding up back in UPW and heading to Japan thanks to Rick Bassman's connections with Zero-One. You can currently see him getting his ass kicked in Japanese MMA fights as well as appearing periodically on the Comedy Central game show Distraction.
Shamrock opens up with an attempt at a leg lariat and a clothesline, but neither take the Predator down. After that, he runs in to the larger man's boot, which allows Terkay to take over with a bodyslam, though he misses the subsequent legdrop. Kenny tries to capitalize with an Irish whip, but it's blocked to set up a Predator spinebuster. An avalanche is next from the big guy, and he follows it up with a series of kicks in the corner. Predator gets a little too cocky, though, standing over his opponent and taunting him. That allows Shamrock to pick the ankle and apply his ankelock, though Sly makes it to the ropes quickly. He also stays right on top of Shammy, attempting a chokeslam. That's reversed, though, as the former IC Champ first goes in to a Fujiwara armbar and then switches to the anklelock. The ropes are made again, after which Shamrock clotheslines his opponent over the top rope. Terkay is kicked in to the ringpost while on the outside, and Shamrock follows him back in to the ring with a top rope cross body block. Mounted punches are next from the World's Most Dangerous Man, but Predator shoves him off and gets in a spinning kick. Then we go to the Human Torture Rack, which Predator turns in to a hangman's neckbreaker for two. That move loses its impact when you've seen the man do it to a contestant on a basic cable quiz show. Predator looks for his chokeslam again, but Shamrock counters it, this time utilizing a cross arm breaker, which he turns in to the trinagle choke after a few seconds. Since Predator is over 6'3", he does the "Ooo, I'll show off by standing up with my opponent clinging to my arm" spot, after which he powerbombs Shamrock. Terkay then attempts to bring a chain in to the ring, KO'ing the referee in the process. He misses a chain shot on Kenny, which sets up a couple of Shamrock enzuguris and a lariat. Ken then wraps the chain around his opponent's throat and chokes the hell out of him. The referee gets in the way, so Sharmock wraps his neck in the chain too. Uh, yeah, that'll draw the disqualification. In fact, it's a double disqualification.
Match Thoughts: Predator's been a part of the wrestling scene for several years now (I would guess seven or so), and I've never been able to get in to any of his matches. The man is just so slow and so plodding that he looks out of place in the modern wrestling scene. Had he come along ten years ago, he could have been one of the biggest names in the country, but he just doesn't have the goods to thrill national audiences in the twenty-first century. Shamrock tried to do the best that he could with the big load, building a David versus Goliath story by taking a lot of offense and periodically making comebacks thanks to his submission moves. Unfortunately, everything that Terkay did seemed so slow, so light, and so spaced out that it was impossible to buy that Shamrock was being beaten within an inch of his life. Combine that with the lousy finish, and I'm calling this one 3/4*
Match Numero Cinco: Konan, Psicosis, & Juventud Guerrera vs. Shawn Riddik, Andrew Hellman, & Antonio Mestre
The story here is that Riddik, Hellman, and Mestre are all recent graduates of the UPW training camp, which has produced over twenty WWE signees during its illustrious existence. This is their first big match, and it is supposedly designed to give them a rub.
K-Dawg starts off with Hellman, and the Mexican works the arm early on. After some mild stretching, the rookie makes the ropes and tries an armbar of his own. It's reversed, and then Juventud tags in. The Juice gets in a dropkick, forcing a tag to Riddik. The two men do some pretty quick stuff off of the ropes and trade pinfalls off of legsweeps before tagging out to Psicosis and Mestre. They shove each other for a little bit, and Mestre gets an elbowdrop when Psicosis drops down to the mat. Psi responds with an inverted DDT, but Mestre reverses a subsequent rana attempt in to a tombstone piledriver. A lariat follows from the youngster, but he's taken down by a Psicosis flatliner and dropkicked in the head. That leads to Konan and Hellman coming back in, with K-Money hitting his somersault lariat and armdragging the other University graduates as they run in to the ring. Psicosis makes it back in to the squared circle after that. He goes one-on-one with Hellman, but gets blindsided by Riddik, who tags in to the match after his cheap shot on the luchadore. A tilt-a-whirl slam is next from Andrew, and he follows up with an STO for two. The men do a lengthy exchange of basic strikes after that, with Juventud eventually running in to counter a Riddik/Hellman double team. That sets up a tag to Konan, who DDTs Mestre. That sets a Sidewinder from K-Dawg and Juventud, and then Juvi takes down Riddik and Hellman with a missile dropkick. A knock-off 619 is next from the Youth Warrior, and that sets up the Juvi Driver and the Juice's Elbow for two. Oddly, dancing around for five minutes before the move reduced its effectiveness.
Juvi goes for another Driver after that, but Riddik slips out and tags in Hellman, who catches his opponent with a powerslam. Guerrera responds by taking him out of the ring with a headscissors, which he follows up on with a baseball slide and a pescado. Riddik decides to follow the two men out with a somersault plancha, and then Psicosis hits a guillotine legdrop to the floor on Hellman. Mestre tries to complete the trainwreck sequence, but Konan cuts him off and hits a big German suplex, which he follows up with another DDT on Hellman. That segues in to Juventud's 450 splash, which gets the three count.
Match Thoughts: Obviously the UPW contingent was a little bit rough around the edges, but I thought that they held their own pretty well with three much more experienced competitors. All three of them did very well in mat sequences with their respective opponents, and they were able to bust out some decent heel double team psychology when called upon to do so. There were a couple of rough patches, though, as the Psicosis/Riddik segment that occurred during the middle of the match dragged on and on with no apparent purpose behind it. The two guys literally just walked around the ring and hit each other back and forth for about two straight minutes. On top of that, Mestre seemed to need a little bit more work on making his wrestling look logical, as he nailed Psicosis with the tombstone three minutes in to the match . . . which in turn make Psi look bad when he had to no sell the thing in order to continue on in the match. On the whole, though, this was a watchable piece of wrestling, even if the faces weren't that experienced and the heels weren't that motivated due to the level of their competition. *1/4
Match Numero Seis: Lightweight Lunacy featuring Silver Tiger, Lil Cholo, The X Foundation, The Manilla Thrillaz, Andrew Hellman, Andrew Hellman, James Lucash, Shawn Riddik, Kid Vicious, Matrix, Eric Matlock, The UK Kid, Tommy Wilson, & Lucky
This is a modified Royal Rumble match . . . modified so much that the ring announcer has trouble getting out all of the rules, and he's got cue cards. Basically, two men are going to start, and every sixty seconds two more men will join them. Eliminations can take place by pinfall, submission, or being thrown over the top rope. When four men are left, the bout becomes a four-way ladder match, with the winner being the man who climbs up a ladder and grabs the contract hanging from the ceiling. Said contract gets them a UPW Lightweight Title shot.
Silver Tiger and Lil Cholo are the first two men out, and I'm not particularly familiar with either of them. Cholo hits the first offensive move, getting a rana, only to be caught by an armdrag seconds later. Tiger tries to follow up with a springboard elbow, but Cholo dropkicks him in the face in what was a nice counter. A swinging uranagi on to the knee is next, and we're joined by the duo of Joey Ryan (who would go on to become a big player in PWG) and Shawn Riddik (from the last match). Ryan makes an impact by shoving Cholo off of the type rope, eliminating him. Joey effortlessly tosses Tiger out of the ring seconds later, and he gives Riddik a dropkick. Ryan misses a charge in the corner, though, and he's hit with a missile dropkick as a result. Riddik attempts a delayed suplex, but Ryan counters and kicks him off ring apron for another elimination. Joey Ryan is on fy-uh. Two new men are out to extinguish his flame, though, and it's the Manilla Thrillaz tag team of B-Boy and Billy Kim. They take Ryan down with a pair of palm strikes and then kick him directly in the head for good measure. The Thrillaz continue with some generic double teaming until the buzzer sounds again, bringing Scott Lost (Ryan's tag partner) and Kid Vicious to the ring. They brawl on the stage before they can even make it to the squared circle, which results in Vicious being back body dropped in to the ring. Lost then takes the Thrillaz out with a double lariat, and he and Ryan team up for a lariat/suplex combo on B-Boy and another double team move on Kim. All five competitors brawl, and a B-Boy shining wizard knocks Joey Ryan off of the ring apron, eliminating him just as Tommy Wilson and the UK Kid enter the match. The Kid superkicks and suplexes Lost, as we're now working a traditional battle royale style as opposed to a crazy indy cruiser match. That trend continues with two more entrants, Andrew Hellman and James Lucash. Hellman quickly tosses Lucash out of the ring, and then B-Boy connects with a big corner dropkick to Lost. Here's another buzzer, and out come Matrix and Eric Matlock, the last two men to enter the match. Everybody punches everybody else, and Matlock is thrown out by Wilson before he can even figure out whodunnit. B-Boy and Lost eliminate each other seconds later, and then we get a run-in from a wrestler named Lucky, whose big entry in to the match is a missed clothesline from the top rope. Lucky looks a little bit better in his next move, though, clotheslining Kid Vicious out of the ring. Unfortunately, he doesn't look good for long, as Hellman bumps the interloper over the top to end his run in the match.
That leaves us with our final four: Matrix, Bill Kim, Andrew Hellman, and Tommy Wilson. Two ladders make it in to the ring almost immediately, with Matrix and Hellman teaming up but failing to hit either of their opponents. Kim recovers, though, picking up one of the ladders and dropping it on to Hellman. It looks like a similar fate will befall Matrix, but he thwarts Kim's efforts and then dropkicks the steel in to the Filipino's face. Wilson takes over quickly thereafter, whipping Matrix in to the ladder as it's propped up on the ropes. He tries to follow with a Stinger Splash, but Matrix moves, leaving Tommy to collide with the metal. As he lays on the rungs, Matrix uses the ladder as a lever and the top rope as a fulcrum, tossing Wilson over the top rope, though elimination rules no longer apply. Kim attacks Matrix before he can celebrate, taking the man down and hitting an Asai moonsault with M-Dog laying on the ladder. After more disorganized brawling, Matrix comes out with the advantage and attempts a diving headbutt on to Wilson, but he misses it and hits a ladder. Kim gets a tornado DDT on Hellman after that, and all four men start to climb various ladders at the same time. Kim and Wilson get knocked off of their respective perches, and then Matrix/Hellman have a little conference on top of a ladder. Apparently Hellman convinces Matrix that they're going to do dives off of the ladder instead of going for the contract. Like a sucker, Matrix buys it and does a swandive headbutt down on to Wilson. Hellman, meanwhile, just stays on top of the ladder and grabs the dangling document to win the match.
Match Thoughts: Two words come to mind after watching this match – rushed and disorganized. One of the things that always makes the Royal Rumble a cool match is that it lasts so long that, almost by default, a lot of things happen in it. New feuds are started, current feuds are continued, and at least four guys walk out of the bout having gotten some kind of rub from their performance. If you're not going to use the format in that way and just want ten minutes of twenty guys punching each other and occasionally throwing in bigger spots, you may as well be booking Erik Watts vs. El Giagnte. The match will suck that hard . . . and suck it did in this particular case.
The four way segment, unfortunately, didn't do much better. It suffered from the same problem as the Rumble, not using the match format to its greatest potential. Instead, we just had a normal cruiser four-way with a couple of ladder spots thrown in. If anything, the ladders hurt the match more than they helped it, as it looked like the damn things were just crowding the ring and getting in the wrestlers' way. On top of that (perhaps because of the preceding Rumble), the four-way didn't have time to develop the way a ladder match should – slow going in the beginning culminating in an explosion of highspots. Instead, all the wrestlers had time to do was pace around the ring for a little bit, land a handful of big moves, and go directly in to the finish. I'll give the four-way 1/4*, though it's primarily the fault of the bookers and not the wrestlers. I'd like to see what the four men involved could do without the lame gauntlet limiting their time.
Match Numero Siete: Valentina (c) vs. Erica Porter w/ The Big Schwag for the UPW Women's Championship
Side Note #1: Joanie "Chyna" Lauer is at ringside for this one, which explains why it's on the DVD. Side Note #2: Remember David McLane's attempt to revive GLOW in the late 90's with his promotion WOW? Porter was one of the "stars" of that promotion, failing to thrill audiences under the name Jungle Grrrl. Yes, there was no "I" in "Girl." I think it had something to do with the fact that the character was a savage and therefore illiterate . . . that or David McLane himself is illiterate. I'm not sure which.
Porter gets a headlock/shoulderblock combo to start, but she misses a lariat and gets caught in a Valentina schoolgirl for two. Erica then gets trip and goes face f'ing first in to the second turnbuckle in a great bump that not many women would be willing to take. A big boot by Valentina misses by a mile, and then she runs in to a Porter spinebuster. A DDT is up next from the challenger, and she heads in to the reverse chinlock. Valentina tries to elbow out, but she's pulled down by her hair and then suplexed for two. The champion finally makes a comeback after that, landing some snug forearms and a DDT. She BADLY botches a rana after that, not even getting her legs around Porter's head. Erica takes the bump anyway, and Valentina makes up for her error by coming back with a nice looking enzuguri and a version of the Edge-o-Matic. Porter catches her with a back elbow, though, and that sets up a sit-out slam and a top rope dropkick. Erica takes too much time to follow up, allowing Valentina to come back with a jawbreaker and a the old wheelbarrow suplex in to a bulldog spot. It looks like she's got the match well in hand, but then Schwag distracts the tramp . . . err . . . champ, allowing Porter to get the Flair pin for the victory.
Schwag challenges Chyna after the match, to which one of the announcers says "she's a bad singer but even badder in the ring." I think the word that you're actually looking for is "worse," pal. Naturally, Miss Lauer easily disposes of Porter and then punches Biggy right in his Schwags. Well, at least they kept the nostalgia act short.
Match Thoughts: You could tell these two were being trained to wrestle a WWE-style ladies' match, hitting a few signature spots while not going heavy on psychology or playing to the crowd. As far as that type of match is concerned, they did a pretty good job aside from the one horribly blown rana. The moves that the two hit were generally well-executed and were not of the type that you typically see female wrestlers hitting on each other, which was enough to keep the bout entertaining for the couple of minutes that it lasted. * They weren't nearly on the level of the women currently tearing up the east coast and midwest indy promotions, though.
Match Numero Ocho: The Ballard Brothers (Shane & Shannon) vs. Hardcore, Inc. (Hardcore Kidd & Al Katrazz) (c) w/ El Jefe in a TLC match for the UPW Tag Team Championship
Just for the record, the Ballards are virtually identical, so don't expect me to be able to tell them apart in this one.
All four men brawl to start, with the smaller Ballards taking an advantage thanks to their agility. They introduce a ladder in to the proceedings early on, slamming it in to their opponents' faces and going for the belts within the first two minutes. Katrazz stops it as his partner throws chairs in to the ring. A Ballard eats a drop toe hold on to one of those chairs, and then the Kidd lays a board across two other chairs . . . which makes me wonder why he didn't just get a table. Al powerbombs a Ballard through Hardcore's little contraption, and the other Ballard gets whipped in to a ladder. Jefe provides ladder number two for his team, and both brothers are sandwiched in between the two pieces of hardware. Kidd then monkey flips one of the ladders in to a Ballard's face. After that, the other brother gets dropped face first on to a rung, and the former Jesus goes for the belts, only to get powerbombed off by half of the babyface team, who then pulls the Kidd out on to a table at ringside. Ballard #2 signals that he's going to do a dive on to that pile, but Katrazz cuts him off with a lariat, leading to another slugfest. Heel miscommunication sees Al getting whipped in to a ladder held by his own partner, and then one Ballard splash mountains his partner on to Katrazz as Al was laying on the ladder. A Ballard tries to follow up with a moonsault, but Kidd knocks him off of the top rope and down to the arean floor with a weapon shot.
The champs climb a pair of ladders after that, but a Ballard follows them up and simultaneously Russian leg sweeps both of his opponents off their perches. He then wedges a chair in between the first and second ropes, but it falls out before he can whip his opponent in to it. Katrazz responds with a spot that actually works, setting a ladder on the second turnbuckle and slingshotting his opponent in to it. He tries to follow that up with a slingshot shoulderblock, but the Ballard recovers and hits Katrazz in the face with a pan. That leaves Hardcore Kidd to tow the rope for his team, and he tries to do that with a powerbomb. The Ballard punches his way out, but that's just a false hope spot, as he's quickly picked right back up and thrown in to a ladder. Kidd tries to climb a ladder in the corner at this point, but he's cut off and slammed in to the mat with an electric chair drop. The focus shifts to El Jefe at this point, who is building a fort of tables at ringside as Al Katrazz sets up some ladders in center ring. Al and a Ballard climb the two ladders at the same time, leading to the Ballard giving his opponent an Ace Crusher off of the ladder. Hardcore Kidd and the other Ballard try to climb at this point, and that ends with Kidd leaping off and attempting to crotch his man over the top rope. Unfortunately, it didn't work, as the Ballard just went knee first over the cable. Kidd grabs a THIRD ladder at this point and pulls a Ballard up to the top of it. He looks to hiptoss the challenger out to the floor, but Ballard blocks it and shoves the big man over the top rope, where he falls through two tables. The Ballards try to get the titles at this point, with one climbing and one fending off Al Katrazz with a chair. Unfortunately, a chair shot sends Al crashing in to the ladder, which knocks the Ballard off and sends him through two tables on the other side of the ring.
That leaves only one Ballard in the match, but El Jefe runs in and pulls him off of the ladder. UPW valet Looney Lane runs in to take Jefe out, and Katrazz has recovered by this point. He sets up a table in the ring, and then he and the surviving Ballard do the simultaneous climb spot again. They fight at the top of the ladders, and Al eventually goes crashing off of his ladder and through the table. That allows the Ballard brother to grab the belts . . . and, of course, he does the weird spot in which he takes a bump from the ladder to the mat after winning the match.
Match Thoughts: I've liked all four men in other matches, but, for whatever reason, this one didn't click. They did too many of the same kind of spots. For example, on at least three occassions, we saw two men climbing different ladders at the same time. Plus, there were three spots in which men just fell off of ladders and through tables, with little to no effort actually being exerted by their opponents. That indicates a lack of creativity, which is unfortunate in a genre of match that is known for its innovation. However, there were a few positives in the bout. First of all, there are a lot of problems in indy ladder matches with wrestlers forgetting to sell and coming back from big bumps to quickly. That problem did not exist here, as all four men recovered from their injuries in believable amounts of time. Additionally, the Kidd and Katrazz worked particularly hard, taking several bumps that you generally don't get out of larger men in gimmick matches. Unfortunately, the positives don't outweigh the "been there, seen that" vibe that I got from watching the match, which leaves its rating at *3/4
Match Numero Nueve: Adam Pearce w/ C. Evert Van Der Pyle vs. Diamond Dallas Page
DDP gets an early advantage with a back elbow and a corner clothesline, with Pearce bailing before any more offense can take place. Scrap Iron goes all Memphis on us at this point, threatening to walk out on the match but ultimately returning to the ring. When things get started again, Page scores with a couple of headlock takedowns, and he turns that hold in to an armbar after a while. Peace kicks out and slaps on an armbar of his own, but DDP counters with a drop toe hold and goes to a hammerlock. Page gets a series of shoulders to the arm off of that, and then he attempts the Diamond Cutter, only to have the "Scrap Daddy" bail once again. He goes to the mic for a little more stalling action, though it does appear to have its desired effect on the crowd. The three-time WCW Champ almost gets caught in Pearce's piledriver after that, but DDP reverses, dumping his opponent out of the ring with a back body drop. Page follows his man to the floor, but a Van Der Pyle distraction allows Pearce to take over and blast the veteran with the ringside mic. The two men go back to the ring after that, and a Pearce low blow/snake eyes combo puts the heel in control. He gets a little too cocky, though, playing to the crowd and allowing DDP to come back with a belly-to-belly for two. Pearce goes to the eyes to break Page's momentum, and then he chokes the former Diamond Mine ringleader with the athletic tape from his wrist. Dallas makes with the stereotypical babyface power-out, but a short-arm clothesline from Pearce kills that momentum dead. More tape choking follows, but Page successfully completes comeback number two and hits a belly-to-back suplex. Page's spinning clothesline gets two, and then he goes for the Diamond Cutter. Pearce mule kicks him low, though, and that sets up a DDT for two. (And two for DDT.) The heel shenanigans continue, with Pearce getting some brass knux from his manager and using them for a nearfall. Scrap Iron goes for his piledriver again, but Page blocks it with a low headbutt, slingshots Pearce in to Van Der Pyle, and hits the Diamond Cutter to win the bout.
Match Thoughts: Had Adam Pearce been born thirty years ago in Tennessee, he would've been a huge star. In the twenty-first century, his old school heel tactics are a fun novelty act, but they're not going to garner him any match of the year accolades unless Jerry Lawler finds the Fountain of Youth. In this particular matchup, Page was willing to play along with Pearce's act and hit his own signature spots, though it didn't seem like he was game for much more. The result was an inoffensive mid-card match that had no technical flaws but few technical merits. *1/4
Match Numero Diez: The Outlaws (Jack Bull & Hollywood) vs. Skulu & Rikishi
For the curious, Hollywood is a life-long UPW'er and Test look alike, who's done nothing else of note, while Bull is currently a WWE developmental wrestler in Deep South. Skulu is a large Samoan-looking man who is better known as King Adamo in Zero-One, while his partner should be familiar to any wrestling fan who's had access to a television within the last couple of decades.
Skulu starts off with Hollywood, and hegets the early advantage with a lariat, after which Hollywood takes off for the arena floor. When Hollywood comes back in, he unloads some forearms and brings in Bull, who wants to take on Rikishi. Kish punches away at Jack before tossing Hollywood to the outside. He attempts an ass drop on Bull, but the big man runs away. Bull scores with a double sledge when he gets back in to the ring, but he misses a corner clothesline and falls in to position for the stinkface. Once again, Jack Bull manages to avoid the ass by heading to the outside, only to be caught with a series of chops when he comes back in. Skulu tags back in at this point, allowing the Samoans to hit a double headbutt. An avalanche and a thrust kick follow for Skulu, but Hollywood cheap shots his opponent from the apron to set up a Bull lariat. Hollywood tags in at this point, getting some vicious knees in the corner. Unfortunately for the Outlaws, Hollywood can't maintain his advantage, getting caught by a Skulu avalanche and an ass splash. Knowing he's in trouble, Hollywood goes to the eyes and follows up with a spinning heel kick, which leads to a tag to Bull. Jack puts on a chinlock, but Adamo elbows out to set up a double clothesline spot. Bull gets the tag before Skulu can, so Hollywood is in to work over the babyface a bit more. It looks like Skulu might get a hot tag when he catches his opponent in a big over-the-shoulder slam, but the referee gets distracted, allowing Bull to run in and get a Yazkua kick on his opponent. Skulu does come back to get that tag seconds later, and Rikishi takes out both Outlaws with a double clothesline. Bull is tossed from the ring at this point, forcing Hollywood to eat the superkick. Fatu goes for the Bonsai Drop afterwards, but Hollywood gets his knees up and in to the former WWE star's nether regions. Hollywood heads up top after that, but Skulu pushes him off. That leads to Rikishi hitting his sitout piledriver, which gets a victory for the islanders.
Of course, there is a post-match stinkface. Und now ist ze time on UPW ven vee dance.
Match Thoughts: This was yet another "big star comes in to the little promotion to bump up attendance" match. None of the men involved went out of their way to put on a great match, even though a good performance here could have put the younger wrestlers on the map. I will give them some credit for a straightforward application of tag team psychology, though, as Skulu sold well when he was the face-in-peril and made all of his false comebacks believable. The match was a bit too short for it to be anything special, however. *1/4
DVD Bonus Features
You thought we were done? OH NO! In addition to a three hour main feature, UPW saw it fit to give us plenty of bonus footage on this DVD, including two additional matches and more sports entertainment than you can shake a stick at. Let's see what the goodies are.
DVD Bonus Numero Uno: In the Pit with Piper
At some point in its history, UPW gathered up enough money to pay off Roddy Piper. He shot a bunch of interview segments for them, which appeared exclusively on the company's DVDs. This one features the Hardcore Kidd. Under the guise of helping him improve his microphone skills, Piper cons the Kidd in to cutting a promo on him. Naturally, the Kidd takes it a bit too far, insinuating that Piper now wears Depends under his kilt. Roddy eventually responds in true Piper fashion, running down the youngster until he runs out of the ring in fear. I don't know how exactly this was supposed to get the Kidd over, but Piper's mic work was surprisingly entertaining. He is one of the all time greats on the stick, but I thought he really went downhill in the mid-90's. This wasn't quite on the level of Piper's old stuff, but it was a nice glimpse at what he used to be capable of.
DVD Bonus Numero Dos: Inside Ultimate University
It's a fluff piece on UPW's training camp. There's absolutely nothing worth seeing here.
DVD Bonus Numero Tres: Mike the Miz & Savvy Party
Miz and UPW valet Savvy go to a bar, where they run in to a bunch of their intoxicated wrestling buddies. It's literally a twenty second clip, and I have no clue what it's doing here.
DVD Bonus Numero Cuator: Powerbomb Dances
Powerbomb is the name of UPW's Nitro Girl-esque dance troupe. This is just a package of dance highlights and interviews with the girls who make up the group. Unless you're a twelve year old boy who has never seen a half-clothed woman before, this isn't worth your time.
DVD Bonus Numero Cinco: Adam Pearce Prepares for DDP
Adam Pearce reads excerpts from Diamond Dallas Page's autobiography while he uses the restroom. Eventually, the book winds up being used as toilet paper. God, it's like Vince McMahon mailed UPW his b-material and they actually decided to use it.
DVD Bonus Numero Seis: Joanie Lauer SINGS!
Remember that one week period when Joanie Lauer decided that she wanted to be a lounge singer? Yeah, neither do I. The song she performers here is called "Holiday," and it's so bad that I almost want to take a holiday from reviewing wrestling tapes. Plus, because we're dealing with Chyna, I get locked in this vicious cycle in which I start to think that I'm just watching a drag queen lip syncing something . . . only to realize that no self-respecting drag queen would lip sync something that sounds this bad.
Mercifully, the song is over in two minutes. My sources have informed me that, three days after this performance was taped, five hundred musicians worldwide gave up their instruments and went in to waste management just so they wouldn't have to be associated with this crap.
DVD Bonus Numero Siete: Hardcore, Inc. Goes Shopping
As part of the buildup for their TLC match against the Ballard Brothers, Hardcore, Inc. go to buy some supplies at the local hardware store. Despite the majority of the DVD bonuses falling flat, this one is pretty funny, as El Jefe steals an employee's chair and falls in love with a quesadilla maker.
After the shopping is done, the Ballards ambush the Kidd and Katrazz in the parking lot. The Canadians with the fight, but Jefe goes all Repo Man on their automobile and rips out what I'm going to assume is the brake line, though I know nothing about cars. All I know is that El Jefe needs to get his act on national television, pronto.
DVD Bonus Numero Ocho: Konnan & Psicosis vs. Ricky Reyes & Puma
Puma and Psicosis start, with the luchadore getting a flatliner and tagging in Konnan. Reyes is also in, and he works on K-Dawg's arm, only to get caught by a Konnan shoulderblock and the somersault lariat. Psicosis tags back in after that, with Nicho getting cheap shotted by Puma and then being caught in a HUGE backdrop suplex by Reyes. The younger wrestlers unsuccessfully try to double team Psicosis, but the veteran evades their efforts and gets a clothesline on Puma. A second rope dropkick from Psi catches Puma right in the face, and that brings Konnan back in for a hammerlock/headscissors combo. Reyes runs in to break up the submission hold, and that allows a tag by the bad guys. Ricky gets a nearfall with a back elbow, but Konnan struggles over to the corner and tags Psicosis in. Reyes maintains his advantage, though, hitting a nice fisherman suplex and then tagging out to Puma. P-Diddy can't get things done, as he falls victim to a DDT and a spinning wheel kick from the former WCW Cruiserweight Champion. Puma is able to run over to his corner and tag in Reyes, who continues his amazing string of suplexes with a belly-to-belly. Psicosis comes back with a superkick, and there's a big tope. Apparently this is a lucha rules match, as Puma and Konnan run in to the ring as soon as their partners hit the floor. K-Dawg's Tequilla Sunrise is applied in short order, and Puma taps out.
Match Thoughts: Please, sir, may I have some more? This matchup really looked great, with both Puma and Reyes having the goods to keep up with the experienced Psicosis. Konnan, despite being fairly broken down, was even able to come in and work a couple of decent sequences with the younger guys. This had all of the components of what could be a great tag team match, except for one. What was missing? Time! This was less than ten minutes of action, and it looked like it could have been a friggin' classic if only they didn't go home so early. As it stands, the match makes for a decent addition to the DVD but probably isn't worth going out of the way to see on its own. **
DVD Bonus Numero Nueve: Frankie Kazarian (c) vs. Mikey Henderson for the UPW Lightweight Championship
Though he qualified the last time I saw him, Henderson is definitely pushing the definition of "lightweight" by this point in his career. The two men trade armbars to start, building to a cool spot where they both try to roll through the move at the same time. Armdrags are traded next, and Henderson almost finishes the match early with la majistral. Waistlocks are the next order of the day, and Kazarian escapes one of those to get in a big dropkick. He attempts to toss Henderson out of the ring, but it looks like Mikey's going to skin the cat. It doesn't work out for the challenger, though, as Frankie dropkicks him in mid-skin , thus sending the Miracle out to the arena floor. Kazarian follows him out with a massive sunset flip powerbomb to the floor when Henderson gets back on to the apron. That gets two on the inside, and the champion attempts to stay on his man, only to run in to a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Henderson continues to work the back with a spinebuster, and he immediately moves in to a Boston crab. When it looks like Frankie might reverse, Henderson changes it in to an STF and then to a bow and arrow hold. After a move back to the STF, Kazarian manages to grab the bottom rope. Henderson stays on his man, looking for a series of rolling backdrop suplexes. Holy crap. Kazarian flips out of the third, though, and the two men trade STIFF forearms, seguing in to a double KO spot.
Henderson is up first (which makes sense), and he tries to go to the top rope, only to be cut off. The two men battle on the top, with Henderson eventually being knocked to the mat . . . only to rebound and powerbomb his man off of the top! A corner clothes and running knee are next from the challenger, but he runs in to a Kazarian bicycle kick when he tries to avalanche him in the corner for a third time. Frankie follows that up with a springboard legdrop and a bridging electric chair, though that only manages to get two. Frankie looks for a Tornado DDT after that, but Henderson cuts it off and hits his "Miracle Maker" move from the second rope. (It's basically a flat-backed slam out of a Kryptonite Crunch position.) Henderson tries to finish this one off with another top rope move, but Kazarian gets a great vertical leap, kicking Henederson in the face as he stands on the top. Kazarian uses that to set up his Flux Capacitator (a one-man Spanish Fly), and that leads to a three count.
Match Thoughts: This was a pretty fun ten minute match, slowly building from the two men engaging in basic matwork, then turning in to a psychology-heavy segment with Henderson working the back, and culminating with an all-out spotfest. The build and good transitions between the three segments of the match provided it with a solid internal storyline that's often lacking when you watch matches that are heavy on eye popping spots. I was fairly annoyed that Henderson's work of Kazarian's back didn't continue throughout the match or at least get worked in to the finish, but, aside from that, what we had here was a pretty fun match between two smaller guys that wouldn't be out of place on the mid-card of a WWE or TNA pay per view. **1/2
DVD Bonus Numero Diez: Heidenreich Does Laundry?
I have no clue what this is supposed to be, but Heidenreich attacks a tiny Asian man in a laundromat. They stage a fight that looks more like one from a movie than one from a wrestling match. Just when Big Bad John thinks that he's defeated his opponent, he starts popping out of random washing machines. Things get a little bit more silly when the little guy becomes super-charged with static electricity and attempts to give Heidenreich the shroyuken. The future Roadwarrior blocks it with a dryer sheet, though. With all of his other offensive moves having failed him, our protagonist rips off his underwear. He throws those over Heidenreich's face, which blinds him and leads in to what I can only presume is the Oriental version of the heart punch. That puts the master of the disasterpiece down for the count.
I still have no clue what this was supposed to be, but it was full of decent stupid comedy. It was the most I've ever been entertained by John Heidenreich, though that's like being the best boxer in a group of double amputees.
Final Thoughts
Number of Matches: 12 Highest Star Rating: **1/2 Lowest Star Rating: DUD Average Star Rating (ratable matches only): *1/4
For $8, this wasn't a terrible wrestling DVD. Four solid hours of action was presented, and, aside from the Snuka/Pearce encounter, nothing was horrendous. (Even that one bad match was probably the quickest on the show.) Further, though there was nothing that made me go crazy, the DVD does still prove my point about accuracy by volume. Because of the large amount of time that UPW allotted to this program, there was a huge variance in the type of matches and segments on the DVD, making it more likely that an individual would find something that he or she particularly enjoys. There are basic cruiserweight matches, pseudo-lucha action, an old school Memphis-esque bout, opportunities to look at up and comers like Mike Mizanin, and an interview segment from one of the masters of the stick. Hell, you've even got some good quality "Wrestlecrap" thanks to Joanie Lauer's mutilation of the art of music.
So, go ahead and pick this one up. If nothing else, it'll be a good way to kill a couple of slow weekend afternoons.
