The Sunday Small-For-All News Report 01.22.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 01.22.2006
Half-Assed in More than One Way
Welcome aboard to the non-stop booze cruise I like to call the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. My biggest fear in the world (at least in regards to writing this column) is a slow news week. Luckily, it ain't happening this week. While there's no live sex to speak of, there's still enough news to make the world go round. In addition, I try to solve the mystery of "Where Have all the Thongs Gone?" Interested, you shall be by the time we get around to it.
But without further ado, as my good buddy Brian Fellows would say, "Let's Get Going!!!"
The 275 Words or Less Weak in Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
On Raw, the two new champions got into a scuffle mainly to start the Kurt Angle face turn. If Edge was able to turn Cena face, then turning Angle is a piece of cake. Speaking of cake, we were all salivating at the possibility of a MOTYC match between HBK/Angle but it disappointed. HBK got the duke (and kept his job) when Davari's chairshot hit Angle by mistake. In other news, Shelton's momma offered brown sugar to Vince McMahon, Mickie James is still confused about her sexuality, and Triple H appeared for a brief 30 seconds. In our main event, Edge and Ric Flair had a much-better-than-expected main event as both tried to die for our happiness.
On Smackdown, Mark Henry became #1 contender by defeating Rey Mysterio in my match of the week. Henry also jumped Kurt Angle at the end of the night after his tussle with now-fired manager Davari. Davari, who has switched rosters 3 times since June, sided with Henry at the end of the night. In other news, JBL/Boogeyman has been added to the Rumble card, Ken Kennedy has a new t-shirt, and Orlando Jordan and Randy Orton put me to sleep.
In TNA news, they had a mediocre PPV last Sunday (which I predicted). Sting is back but is sitting out the next PPV for storyline reasons unlike Macho Man, Kevin Nash, and others before him. AJ Styles lost to Shannon Moore but thankfully the result was quickly forgotten with the continuation of the Styles/Daniels/Samoa Joe storyline. Oh and a variety of people vie to become Jarrett's next job boy at the upcoming PPV. BITCHES!
WWE Newz of the Weak DOOD
Kurt Angle: The Non-Filipino Dave Batista
The big news of the week is that Kurt Angle has been seemingly inserted into Batista's slot for all events leading up to Wrestlemania. The WWE chose Angle over any Smackdown superstar due to the fear of having to re-write storylines. By moving Angle to Smackdown (via his "contract" expiring), all current and future storylines up to Wrestlemania do not need to be changed. And I bet you were all thinking that the WWE had zero direction going into the Rumble let alone Wrestlemania.
Now how do I know this? Simple, I received on Thursday an email from the WWE hyping their return to Baltimore for No Way Out in February. While I will not be attending the PPV, as I'm saving the money to buy floor seats for the double taping a week later in DC, the email did spoil the main event for the PPV. For those who do not like to be spoiled, please skip a little bit (to the next news point).
SPOILER WARNING!!!
The main event of No Way Out will be Kurt Angle defending his World Championship against the Undertaker .
Considering this was the original plan for Batista, we can all safely assume that Mark Henry won't be touching the championship. In addition, the belief that Randy Orton will be heading to Wrestlemania in a main event might actually be true. *Shudder*
It's Safe Again
Do people actually avoid spoilers or did that phase die out with the Tamagachis?
In other news…
UPN is a Winner!!!
According to the Observer, "At UPN's presentation today before the Television Critics Association at the Winter Press tour, president of entertainment Dawn Ostroff indicated they are looking to keep WWE.
Great news for the blue brand!!! Last year, it looked as if UPN wanted to part ways with the WWE by relegating them to Friday nights. It was a good move in general for the network as the WWE brings in higher ratings and revenues than their Friday night movie. In addition, the network was allowed to have a high-profile show in "Everybody Hates Chris" that brought buzz to the network. And a ton of more cash. Don't believe me? Here's the numbers from Advertising Age :
Last year, a typical 30 second spot on Thursday nights for Smackdown cost $30,000.
This year, the same ad would cost $140,900 to show on Everybody Hates Chris. Even the other shows that follow cost more than Smackdown.
Last year, a 30 second spot on UPN's Friday Night Movie would cost $17,840 .
This year, a 30 second spot on WWE Smackdown costs $22,000 .
So in conclusion, the WWE lost $8,000 (on average) per ad by switching to Fridays while UPN gained $115,060 per ad. Someone give Dawn Ostroff a raise!!!
Heidenreich released :-(
Disasterpiece follows...
I guess this is the end
To my dear New Orleans friend.
Between the rape of Michael Cole,
And the formation of the OLD,
You're storylines were quite less than gold.
We never found out who was Little Johnny
Nor did we get the tag team with Snitsky.
You might have been Big Bad John before
A frozen Nazi would have been more hardcore.
But that definitely was not in store,
When all your matches were a bore,
But no one will miss your theme song more
Than me.
And that was a poem by Small.
Trademark Troubles
A number of WWE trademarks are being opposed by various entities, according to the USPTO website.
Wolverine World Wide opposes "Test" on the grounds that it can be confused with its "Hytest" trademark.
Hasbro opposes "Taboo Tuesday" on the grounds that it can be confused with its "Taboo" game.
RHE Hatcho opposes "Charlie Haas" on the grounds that it can be confused with its "Charlie 1 Horse" trademark.
Team 3D opposes "Bubba Ray Dudley" and "D-Von Dudley."
Converse opposes "A-Train."
Warner Brothers opposes "Tazz."
B.V.D Licensing opposes "RVD."
Isn't it funny that companies think consumers are retarded? I mean look at this list: cowboy hats vs. bland WWE midcarder; shoes vs. hairy underrated pierced brawler; board game vs. mediocre interactive PPV. I give up!!! Though I would have to say that I would pay $10 to see a 3 hour PPV of Snitsky and the Boogeyman playing Jenga. It wouldn't be Snitsky's fault if he lost.
Weekly Dancing with the Stars Update
Stacy Kiebler tangoed her way into a tie for 1st this week with a score of 27 and was not eliminated on Friday's show. Drew Lachey, Nick's less sleazy younger brother, also earned that score. Thankfully, Master P, who got a 14, was also not eliminated. Hey, with No Limit Soliders MIA, he needs any publicity that he can get.
Matt Cappotelli Update
Matt Cappotelli was at OVW TV this week; he is scheduled for a biopsy on his brain tumor next week. Cappotelli is apparently in very good spirits backstage, and is said to be handling things so well, he is an inspiration to the locker room. (Credit: 411)
Here's hoping that Cappotelli receives some good news next week. The kid's been through quite a lot that he truly deserves a role on the WWE roster someday. Hell, he already has enough tribulations that a DVD on him could be made. Speaking of DVDs…
Warrior Warrior News News
From pwINSider, Warrior has filed another lawsuit, this time against Andrew Wright, a producer Warrior hired to create a positive DVD on his career that would respond to WWE's "Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior" DVD. Wright ended up creating a documentary that Warrior thought was negative, not positive. Warrior then claims that Wright threatened to create a very negative DVD on him if he didn't pay the money according to their deal. Warrior wants roughly $250,000 and to be given the rights to all the footage Wright shot .
Oh Warrior, sweet Warrior. How I long to see you make a video portraying yourself as the God you are. DESTRUICITY!!!
Live Sex at the Rumble
Porn star Summer Haze says a few of her fans bought her Royal Rumble tickets so she will be in attendance and maybe go backstage to visit friends. It doesn't appear as if she will be involved with the show in any other way. Haze claims to have worked for ECW but never really did. (Credit: 411)
Can't be any worse than Drew Carey's appearance in 2001.
TNA Newz of the Weak DOODETTES
No Monday Timeslot
From 411, TNA and SpikeTV were planning on having a live TNA primetime special Monday February 13th, the night after TNA's February PPV. TNA was really hoping to land the spot as RAW is not airing that night on USA Network. However, SpikeTV has decided not to go forward with the special due to "logistical reasons."
And by "logistical reasons," Spike TV means the lack of wanting to spend advertising dollars. I'm fully convinced that Spike TV does not like spending advertising dollars on wrestling. For them, it's just as easy as to put on a UFC special and not have to promote it rather than having to spend money helping TNA break a 1.0 rating.
I think the network would rather not have wrestling on their schedule anymore but rather picked up TNA as a FU to Vince. For all the years I have watched Spike TV/TNN, they rarely, if ever, promoted ECW, WWE, and now TNA. The only times you would see a commercial for the brand is during their own shows (like Heat) or during the Ultimate Fighter. However, if you turn on Spike TV at any other part of the day, many commercials are shown for their repeat viewings of James Bond movies, Japanese game shows, and (during the TNN days) their crappy first-run series. As I've mentioned two weeks ago in my SSFANR, the USA/WWE partnership has performed much better because USA actually promotes the show.
Ratings Talk
From 411, As reported earlier, the 1.14 edition of Impact did a 0.8 cable rating, which is around the normal number they have been doing. The 1.16 (Monday Night) replay did a 0.9 cable rating, which is by far the highest number that they done in the Monday time slot. There was a big lead in for them with the live UFC Fight Night, which scored a 1.7 rating.
Fellow readers, I will not be spending time each week to look at ratings because really (especially in the WWE's case) ratings are semi-meaningless. The reason I bring this up is that it's surprising that the repeat to a pre-PPV show (that was already history by Monday) had a higher rating than its first-run edition. While I believe that there might be an increased interest in the brand, I think that ratings for all wrestling/UFC shows were good on Monday and will continue to be. The January-March time is the best time of year to be a wrestling fan and ratings normally increase during this time. For the moment, TNA should be definitely happy with this number. If in the upcoming weeks this trend continues, I think TNA has enough evidence that they need a better timeslot.
Jerry Lynn Interview
Highlights from Lynn's interview with the Wrestling Weekly Internet show:
While not an active wrestler, he's still active behind the scenes in TNA
Thinks the wrestling business has too many run-ins
When looking at his win/loss record, his finisher is "counting the lights"
Did not enjoy his time in WWE and WCW
Vince was always fine to him but others made him miserable
Would rather never see the Chyna/X-Pac sex tape
Would only do a ECW PPV if he gets all royalties and money that he is owed
Don't really have nothing much to add as he made many valid points. It does look like we will never see him do an ECW PPV if he keeps his principles.
MTV News of the Weak
From PWInsider, MTV and Big Vision Entertainment will be taping a wrestling pilot on 2/9 in Los Angeles. Some wrestlers that will work the show include Vampiro, Sean Waltman, P.J. Polaco (Justin Credible), New Jack, Jack Evans, and Matt Sydal.
The promotion is currently looking for an announcer that they want to be "hip" and have the "MTV style."
The product will be fused with MTV and feature music. The wrestling and angles will apparently be reality based.
Wow, real-life angles. I guess most feuds will revolve around Sean Waltman no-showing matches and New Jack trying to land back in jail for attempted homicide. Sounds like it will be very successful in my eyes.
Fun With YouTube
Since YouTube's been the #1 place to go for entertainment, each week I will link you to two matches that you might or might not have seen. This week's entry:
The Bra and Panties Gauntlet at New Year's Revolution was a significant turning point to women's liberation in the WWE. Why? Not one of the five participants wore a thong. In fact, Maria was booed for wearing conservative granny panties. In the past, thongs were part of the rebellious spirit of the WWE. Sable got over not for defeating Marc Mero (which anyone on the roster could do), but by wearing scandalous undies. Lita will not be remembered for her hurricaranas but for the thong that crept out of her pants. There's a good reason why the bikini showdown between Sable and Torrie Wilson is the only part of the Judgment Day 2003 PPV that is featured on WWE 24/7 online. So why must our current crop of pornstar and playmate Divas be subjected to wearing more clothing?
Before I share my hypothesis, let's take a quick second to remember the important moments in thong history.
April 1998: Sable shows off her assets in the first-ever evening gown match at the Unforgiven PPV.
July 1998: The infamous Bikini showdown between Sable and Jacqueline saw the first appearance of a nipple on WWF PPV in addition to two strategically placed handprints.
March 1999: Debra debuts her famous PPV wardrobe of a matching bra and panty set with jacket.
December 1999: The highpoint of Diva free-spirit occurs at the Armaggedon PPV. Miss Kitty, Jacqueline, BB, and Ivory participate in an evening gown match in a swimming pool. If that was not enough to give Jerry the King a heart attack, Miss Kitty unveiled her puppies to the world.
January 2000: The first-and-last Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit contest occurred. I was fortunate enough to be there live as Mae Young was declared the winner to this contest.
August 2000: The first ever thong stinkface match happened to settle the long-term rivalry between the Kat and Terri.
July 2001: Torrie Wilson and Stacy Kiebler debut their derrieres in a tag team bra and panties match against Lita and Trish Stratus. Stacy spends the latter part of the year with the Dudley Boyz using her asset to distract her opponents.
June 2002: The first Diva Thongathon at WWE New York. Trish, Torrie, Stacy, Miss Jackie, Dawn Marie, Rico, and Mae Young, among others, were a part of this Spike TV special. While Torrie was crowned the winner that night, all male fans were too.
June 2002: Trish Stratus and Molly Holly feud over Molly's big ass. If that wasn't bad enough for Molly, Chris Nowinski planned to break Molly's hymen. Good times were had by all.
September 2002: HLA makes its first appearance on Raw. While the Smackdown 6 was putting on barnburners on Smackdown, Raw used lesbians to attract a crowd. Sadly, 3 Minute Warning were not fans of this display and proceeded to break the lesbians in half.
May 2003: While the Girls Gone Wild PPV was a disappointment in the WWE's eyes, they made it up to the fans in the form of a Bikini match between Sable and Torrie Wilson. For the majority of the competition it looked as if Sable was going to be declared a winner, but Torrie had a trick up her sleeve and a smaller thong on underneath.
October/November 2004: The introduction of Christy Hemme brought along the addition of Lingerie Pillow fights.
June 2005: Francine and her thong make a return to ECW at One Night Stand.
This marks the end of my timeline. 2004 brought along the underwear change that stands to this date as I cannot remember any more recent additions. Fellow readers, it is up to you to let me know what important events I am missing. Also, I'm interested to know your reasons as to why thongs are currently passé in the WWE. Heck, if your response is good enough, you might even make the news report!!!
As for my hypothesis: I have no friggin' idea why the WWE would do such a thing. It's not like they aren't using sex to sell their program (*cough* live sex *cough*).
After all this thong talk, I think I need a cold shower.
PLUGZ
Stu chronicles Ring of Honor in the year 2003 here.
Boman explains why the WWE is old and I don't mean "old school" here.
Truth B Told mentioned D'lo Brown. Here's his plug.
Come back next week when the almighty Smackdown vs. Raw simulator returns to discover the true winners of the Royal Rumble. Considering I'll be creating about 14 new CAWs this week in order to do a true simulation, please have pity on my soul. Make sure to check out my Final Fantasy Heat Report (coming Sunday afternoon), read my blog, send me some feedback, and most importantly, go look at the 411 Hall of Fame.
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!
