The Wrestling News Experience: 01.23.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 01.23.2006
Just remember, I warned you. Plus, a zesty new feature!
Good morning, everyone. This is The Wrestling News Experience, and I am Stephen Randle. I've just returned from seeing Underworld: Evolution, and I'm worried that I may be almost completely desensitized to gory violence. Okay, I'm not really worried, but somebody should be.
It's a Pittsburgh-Seattle Super Bowl and I don't care, all I know is that it'll be nearly impossible to find decent TV to watch that night. Thank God for Mondays and beautiful, beautiful 24. Oh, and wrestling.
Just remember, the only reason you're still conscious is because I don't feel like carrying you.
And we're on to the news.
Around The Horn
The big news this week is that MTV has decided to start a wrestling promotion. Well, if you're going to start one, it might as well be on the TV network that will air absolutely anything. Apparently the wrestling show will be "hip" (who uses that word any more?), be mixed with popular music (see, MTV does still have music), and involve "reality-based" angles.
All right, back the truck up a second.
Reality-based?
Since when is pro wrestling based on reality in any way, shape, or form?
If you have the answer, and I suspect some of you do, send your answer on a postcard to MTV. Or tell me, because the world deserves to know about reality-based wrestling angles. I may dig back in my closet and pull out a certain something to reward you if you amuse me enough.
A porn star bought tickets for Royal Rumble! That means you might see a porn star if you buy a ticket or buy the PPV and the cameras happen to come across her! Or you could use this handy Internet thing we all have and see her for free. That's "Summer Haze" for those who still need to use Google to find porn. I'd link you a few sites, but this is a family column and all. At least one person on 411 is going to have a column devoid of half-naked women, and I drew the short straw.
Matt Cappotelli is working in OVW while waiting for the results of tests done to examine his brain tumor. He's all inspirational and stuff. Plus, now WWE Creative doesn't have to try too hard to think up a stupid gimmick for him when he comes up. Get your votes in now, will the brain tumor cause him to have convenient memory loss, stutter, or just manic fits of inhuman strength and rage during matches?
UPN has announced that Smackdown will likely be staying with the network for the foreseeable future, due to the fact that it's the only UPN show besides Veronica Mars to actually garner a chartable rating. That explains why we haven't seen Palmer Cannon for a few weeks, I guess.
And in the vein of last week's crack about the Raw GM, here's this week's poser: didn't Smackdown have a midget division all hired and ready to go a couple months ago?
That's right, The Wrestling News Experience: I keep track because they never will.
Stacy Kiebler remains on top the leaderboard in Dancing With The Stars. Fox is promoting Skating With Celebrities with a commercial that suggests it's more exciting than watching celebrities ballroom dance. Because, yeah, nothing says "macho thrill-ride" like figure skating. Not that I'm defending ballroom dancing either. Don't people watch real sports anymore?
Apparently the No Way Out main event is being promoted, and if you don't want to know (let's face it, you read a wrestling site, you already checked the spoiler) this is your last chance to stop reading this bit. It'll be Kurt Angle vs The Undertaker, supposedly a match Angle was trying to have in the works for WrestleMania last year. But it's No Way Out and nobody watches it anyway.
Oh, and the man who used to play the Ultimate Warrior has changed his name to Warrior. Of course, his name already was Warrior, so now, apparently, it's Warrior Warrior. He's also suing WWE over their Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD, I assume because of defamation of character, because there's no way he's as crazy as they portrayed him. Nope. No way at all.
And with all that said, you may remember that I told you that I discovered I had free cable, and I'm keeping a promise I made to start watching Impact. And since I'm just that nice a guy, we're going to start a little experiment. Each week that I manage to watch Impact (hey, it's Saturday night, I could have things to do), I will provide for you my impressions and insights, for I have many, on the only wrestling show not run by Vince McMahon, in a little segment I like to call...um...
I'll Think Up An Impact-Related Pun For A Title Later
Unless one of you wants to do it for me. Anyway, we're almost totally ripping of Larry's Random Raw Thoughts, but without real time, clever catchphrases, or an excess of capital letters and exclamation points. So it's completely different, and I have a lawyer who will back me up on that.
- We're ten minutes late. I was busy. Bite me.
- Team Canada: The first time since the Hart Foundation that a Canadian faction hasn't been made to look like bumbling chumps who want to burn American flags and such.
- Canadian Destroyer, if he always performs it that smoothly, causes no suspension of disbelief problems with me.
- Lance Hoyt looks like Test, and having a pumphandle slam finisher doesn't help.
- Six-man would have been a tough match to call if Shark Boy weren't on one team. Some people just scream "jobber".
- Yeah, that spiel doesn't work as well for the James Gang as it used to. It virtually screams "we're desperately trying to avoid copyright infringement but still use the same schtick"
- I realize most of the high-profile available signings are going to be WWE castoffs, but that doesn't mean you have to push Shannon Moore. He was a jobber in WCW, a jobber in WWE, and he should probably be an X Division jobber in TNA, not getting into feuds (let alone even tainted wins) with AJ Styles, who's obviously far above him.
- Um, has anyone told Jarrett that he can't really cut a promo? That "three things" with Christian sucked. Plus he has this whiny nasal quality that bugs me.
- "Midcard status"...ooh, Jarrett's shooting. Too bad he doesn't recognize irony.
- Okay, Abyss is the giant monster of TNA, but going up against Rhyno and Christian, and knowing that those two were relatively small in WWE, he's not really that big. Fortunately, it works in TNA.
Well, on first real viewing, here's a couple things I see. The wrestling isn't all that smooth, which isn't necessarily bad, because God knows WWE wrestlers aren't all the smoothest wrestlers in the world, but WWE production guys have learned to shoot multiple camera angles and use the best one so that it at least looks halfway decent. With Impact being taped, you'd think they'd edit some of the more glaring errors. Unless maybe they already do. Secondly, there are NO replays of anything. If you miss a particularly impressive move, you've missed it forever. Don't know why The James Gang hate Konnan? Hope you listen real close to the announcers, because there's very few "recap" packages that don't involve AJ Styles.
That said, it's more wrestling, and it's got Christian, so the experiment continues...
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 01.24.05, and I was in a whimsical mood, having just been to Raw in Toronto. Most importantly, we saw the first and only passage recited for you, the reader, from the Book of Stephen, which remains one of 411's most holy books.
Also, I must have been in a real big hurry, because the column was really short and mostly sucked. Though I did call for WWE to put a stop to hair vs hair matches, and so far, they've listened. Big Show even grew his hair back, thank God, because he pretty much looked like a giant penis. Not that I've ever seen a real giant penis, but if such a thing existed, that's what it'd probably look like. And I'd nickname it "JT", for obvious reasons.
And Mark Henry had resumed training in OVW. Cue my now-trademark ominous music!
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 01.16.06
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Booker T, SD!, out six-eight weeks as of January 2 (leg injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Eugene, RAW, suspended indefinitely as of November 19 (drug rehab)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- RVD, RAW, out until January 29 (knee surgery)
Transactions
- Fit Finlay, SD!, debuted on January 20
And promptly beat the crap out of Matt Hardy. I'd say Matt must really be regretting a whole lot of choices right about now.
- Heidenreich, SD!, released from his contract
Aw, I liked LOD 2005. It wasn't that bad, really. The bad news is that the plan is to push Animal as a single. Why?
- Kid Kash, SD!, working through injury (broken arm)
He is working house shows, if not Smackdown itself, which is why I kept forgetting to mention him.
I'm also late enough to plus Rutherford's Movie Zone report, mostly for his list of top ten favourite actors of all time, which I completely support and agree with, especially Jim Carrey.
Juliet: Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day.
It was the nightingale, and not the lark,
That pierced the fear-full hollow of thine ear.
Nightly she sings on yon pom'granate tree.
Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.
Romeo: It was the lark, the herald of the morn,
No nightingale. Look, love, what envious streaks
Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.
Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day
Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.
I must be gone and live, or stay and die.
Juliet: Yon light is not daylight; I know it, I.
It is some meteor that the sun exhaled
To be to thee this night a torchbearer
And light thee on thy way to Mantua.
Therefore stay yet. Thou need'st not to be gone.
Romeo: Let me be ta'en, let me be put to death.
I am content, so thou wilt have it so.
I'll say yon grey is not the morning's eye,
'Tis but the pale reflex of Cynthia's brow;
Nor that is not the lark whose notes do beat
The vaulty heaven so high above our heads.
I have more care to stay than will to go.
Come, death, and welcome; Juliet wills it so.
How is't, my soul? Let's talk. It is not day.
That'd be the opening lines of Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 4. You've now experienced culture. Send me letters or I'll do it again, and with an even more boring play. That's right, I have Richard III here, and I'll use it.
And One To Go On
Today is the federal election in Canada, and since the Conservatives have already bought all the big business votes they'll need, we're all doomed. Good job, rest of the country. We just spent six years watching George Bush screw up America and now we're going to elect a leader who amounts to a less intelligent clone. I'd applaud, but I'm paralyzed with fear.
Raw tonight features Edge and a mystery partner (likely Triple H) against John Cena and a mystery partner (likely Ric Flair), as well as Shawn Michaels vs Shelton Benjamin, Kane vs Carlito, and Trish and Ashley vs Victoria and Candice. Plus, the Royal Rumble is coming up fast, so you can be sure to see a qualifying match or two. 411 will have live coverage and recaps tonight, Larry is in tomorrow, and I'll be hiding under the bed until the next election in eighteen months. Canada: our government may be ineffective, but at least we waste a lot of money.
