A British psychologist has used an overly complicated formula to figure out that the most depressing day of the year will be tomorrow. Personally I find that rather hard to believe because the most depressing day of the year for many of us in America happened last Thursday.
But for those of you who might be feeling a little more depressed than usual tomorrow, lighten up! There are plenty of reasons why January 24th can not possibly be the most depressing day of the year…for instance, Donald Trump will be on his honeymoon. Now, if your heart can't be warmed by the thought of this billionaire being able to find love for the third time, I don't know what to tell you. Hell, it almost makes ME think I might find love someday.
Think about Roger Clemens! He'll be making 18 million dollars this year pitching for the Houston Astros. He's living the American dream…maybe someday you could make 1/18 of that! How great would that be?
January 24th is the birthday of one of America's most beloved musicians, Neil Diamond! Who couldn't be happy for that? It is also the birthday of the O.C.'s Mischa Barton, and former Fresh Prince of Bel-Air star Tatyana Ali. Lots of happy birthdays means time to be happy!
One year later, and my boy Stephen Colbert's on the bandwagon, riffing on this exact topic during the opening segment of his show Tuesday night. Apparently Rick Scaia is too, and I'm torn on whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Colbert rocks the party that rocks the body though, so I'll let him slide.
Opening Thoughts
I'm jumping on the Seahawks bandwagon due to Shaun Alexander sharing my Northern Kentuckian roots. That…and I really, really, really hate the fucking Steelers and would root for just about anybody against them at this point.
Well, not just anybody. I'd be down with Joey Porter taking out the Spirit Squad. If there was a more annoying part of Monday's Raw, I probably missed it while watching 24. Lawler vs. Coach was bad enough, but those goofs running down made it utterly unwatchable. I know our OVW guy LOVES THE SPIRIT SQUAD, BUT I THINK THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO THE MINORS AND WWE NEEDS TO QUIT RIPPING OFF BAD SNL SKETCHES FOR GIMMICKS!
Not only did I miss the chance to meet Chavo Guerrero and a bunch of WWE Divas, but I also missed Ricky Steamboat chopping the Coach. Damn it damn it, damn it all to hell.
I like Steamboat. Wrote an article about the guy. You might have heard of it, if you weren't too busy reading the message board post about Mickie James's twat. I know how most of you are, so it doesn't surprise me.
You know I love you, Canada, but have you learned nothing from what's happened to my country since 2001? Conservatives have brought very little but fear and loathing to America, and they'll do the same for you. Bank on it.
News From Cook's Corner: Over One Year of…um…Mediocrity? Yeah, that works.
WWE news
UPN is no more! The WB is dead! Long live…the CW?
Huh.
Anyway, WWE Friday Night Smackdown will be appearing on the new channel, and Variety Magazine reports that they have a two-year deal to do so. So there's not that much to talk about as far as the wrestling goes. I'm sure our Movies/TV people might have more interesting things to say about it, so go check them out for further details.
Armageddon got around 290,000 buys, making it the highest bought Smackdown PPV since July 2003. If anybody can think of a reason why, please send it to scook411@hotmail.com because I'm stumped.
Figure 4 Weekly reports that Kurt Angle was injured during a match with Mark Henry on WWE's tour of Mexico last week. Don't assume that Angle will be taking any time off though, since apparently it's a new WWE rule that guys with injuries get pushed even harder. As Calvin's dad would say, it builds character.
I hope I'm not the only one who still misses that comic strip.
Figure 4 Weekly also reports that all long-haired developmental talents have been ordered to get their hair cut. So they'll all be looking like me in a few weeks? Poor bastards.
There is some internal concern about WrestleMania, mostly because everything they had previously planned has fallen apart. There will be no Batista vs. Orton for sure, Austin vs. Hogan is pretty much dead barring an act of God, and Cena vs. Triple H is likely not going to happen. Also of interest is that a winner of the Royal Rumble has not been decided yet.
On the bright side, an Undertaker vs. Mark Henry match is being tossed around as a possibility for WrestleMania. Goody!
WWE is apparently interested in signing Milano Collection AT. Milano has been working with ROH recently, but as Leonard Hayhurst reported yesterday, Milano worked another show the same night of an ROH show he pulled out of because of reported neck problems. I've never seen Milano work, but he couldn't be much worse than most of the guys currently taking up TV time.
Matt Hardy did not work the Smackdown taping due to a staph infection. This isn't the last staph infection mentioned in this column, which means people need to be cleaning their wrestling mats. Idiots.
Rene Dupree re-injured his hernia at an OVW house show last Saturday night. Near the start of his match against J-Man, Dupree took a boot to his stomach and then collapsed and started screaming in pain. Dupree rolled up J-Man for a quick pin, but looked to be in tremendous pain in the process. Afterwards, he had to be carried off while groaning in pain and looking to be near passing out. Not good news for Mr. Dupree, hernias can be quite the pain in the ass. Didn't I use that joke the last time I talked about Dupree? Oh well.
And in news that breaks JT's heart, Stacy Keibler says that she wouldn't pose for Playboy for even two million dollars. That's what they all say, isn't it? Expect Keibler to appear in Playboy once her fame from Dancing with the Stars starts to die off.
Finally, one of the most disturbing wrestling t-shirts I've ever seen…
The amazing thing is that they pay people to come up with ideas like that. It just boggles the mind.
TNA news
Apparently there was supposed to be a TNA prime time special going up against the annual dog show that will be pre-empting Raw, but now that won't be happening. The Wrestling Observer reports that Spike wanted TNA to sign another "marquee talent", but TNA failed to do so, so Spike took away the special. See, I told them they should have signed Norman Smiley, but noooooooooo…
Raven is still with TNA, but is taking time off due to a severe thyroid problem. He is not in trouble with management, and will return once he is healthy. The first story about Raven & TNA was a lot more interesting.
Samoa Joe is currently suffering from a staph infection that caused him to pull out of the ROH shows in Ohio this weekend. He got it from a dirty wrestling ring mat used at an indy show in Michigan. Fucking Michigan…who do they think they are trying to hurt good wrestlers? They better double check that ring mat at the house show, I wouldn't put it past those dirty wolverine loving goons to try this shit again.
Speaking of which, ticket sales for the house show seem to be going pretty well so far. JT will be in attendance, and he has issued an open challenge to all Juggalos in the Motor City area. He says that he doesn't sweat them, and they better be ready to get their asses handed to them just like those two clowns who wouldn't know good music if it slapped them across the face. So we'll see what happens on that front.
Good news for TNA on the DVD front as well…currently in the works is a Best of Samoa Joe DVD, another Bloodiest Brawls DVD, and my personal favorite, a DVD featuring the TNA Knockouts!
Seriously, they need to release that like yesterday. My Traci fix must be satisfied, and I'm running out of recent pictures to use in the column. So snap to it, peeps!
Other wrestling news
Lance Storm will return to wrestling on April 1st, as he challenges Bryan Danielson for the ROH title at their show the day before WrestleMania 22 in Chicago Ridge, Illinois. The match should be pretty good, but I'm really glad it's not going to be a verbal debate. In related news, Larry Csonka wet himself upon hearing the news, and then got 500 e-mails from angry ROH fans mad because he doesn't respect their promotion.
Former WWE & ECW worker Yoshihiro Tajiri will be wrestling down in Mexico for CMLL next Tuesday, teaming with fellow ex-WWE wrestler Ultimo Dragon. He will reportedly be at Arena Mexico in February. I'd like to see Tajiri work some Lucha Libre…he always had good matches with Super Crazy, so he'd fit in well in Mexico.
There's some sort of Legends of Wrestling PPV taping going down on March 5th in Orlando, Florida. Confirmed talent so far includes Diamond Dallas Page, Bruno Sammartino, Kamala, Bobby Heenan, Koko B. Ware, Mike Graham, Jimmy Hart, Buff Bagwell, Jim Cornette, Rick Steiner, The Midnight Express, and Lance Russell. You know, I hate to be a skeptic, but didn't we learn our lesson from Heroes of Wrestling? Legend reunions are all fine and dandy, but when there's PPV and actual matches involved, the shit tends to hit the fan.
MTV will be filming a pilot for a new wrestling promotion in Los Angeles next month. Wrestlers involved include Vampiro, Justin Credible, Sean Waltman, New Jack, Jack Evans, Matt Sydal, and Teddy Hart. It could be either really interesting, a complete train wreck, or both. Hopefully more will develop here.
Who Owned Last Week?
Finlay - He's a tough Irish bastard who beat the crap out of Matt Hardy. The coolest part was when he countered Hardy's baseball slide by holding up the ring apron so Hardy slid into it. Tremendous! Finlay looks in pretty good shape, and he'll be a fun mid-card heel, something Smackdown definitely needs.
Mark Henry - It wasn't a terrific match like the Henry fans (yes, they exist) would tell you, but Mizark put on a decent showing against Rey Mysterio. It remains to be seen if he can wrestle Kurt Angle without breaking him in half, but I guess we got that to look forward to on Sunday. Huzzah?
On a side note, I didn't have a problem with him no-selling Rey's frog splash because the frog splash looked really bad. I like the Eddie love and all, but you gotta know that if you can't do it, don't. Benoit's smart enough to stick with the Three Amigos, and Chavo's frog splash has been getting better since he started doing it. In a related note, Christian Cage's frog splash is a thing of beauty, and Rey's frog splash blows away CM Punk's attempted frog splash from a couple months ago. Wow, that was…something.
"Playboy" Scott Hayes - The new NWF Lightweight Champion won the belt by defeating the dreaded Zodiac last Saturday night at BoneKrushers. Congratulations to the Playboy on his feat, and I reckon the celebration at Hef's mansion was very exciting.
Shannon Moore - Larry's North Carolina bias was all too obvious with his placement of Moore as Wrestler of the Week, but the kid did have a decent match with AJ Styles. Two questions:
1. Why does the "Prince of Punk" come out to an Insane Clown Posse song?
2. Is AJ Styles really supposed to be the babyface in this thing with Christopher Daniels? Because he's coming off like a big time sissy, and Daniels is the one that we feel sorry for since AJ happens to be getting the next title shot at Samoa Joe and the Fallen Angel only lost his chance because AJ threw a towel into the ring. AJ has to be the heel here, otherwise the whole thing just doesn't add up.
This Week in Wrestling History
January 26, 1987 – Looking back, Dynamite Kid probably wished he hadn't agreed to that tag team title match with the Hart Foundation on this night in Tampa, Florida. The Bulldogs had held the titles ever since WrestleMania 2 back in April 1986 and weren't looking like they could be beaten anytime soon…until Dynamite Kid injured his back in late 1986 and WWF needed to get the belts off of them.
Who would be the team to do it? A young Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart were as good a choice as anybody. The Hart Foundation had been impressive in matches with teams like the Bulldogs and the Killer Bees, and with Jimmy Hart by their side, the fans hated their guts. Combine their hatred from the fans with their superior workrate, and you had the ingredients for a solid tag team championship team.
The Foundation got the early advantage by attacking Dynamite outside the ring. While the Kid was incapacitated, Hart and Neidhart worked over Davey Boy Smith until the tag titles were theirs. Most assumed that the Bulldogs would get their titles back once Dynamite Kid got healthy again. Those people assumed wrong, as the British Bulldogs never held the WWF tag team titles again.
Bret Hart went on to some fame in the WWF.
Plugs
Meehan and myself debate the Roe v. Wade decision. Check it out for a slightly different side of the crazy trickster who does this dog & pony show.
Clark talks about Sammartino/Backlund, Austin/Rock, and other power couples. Insert unfunny Brokeback Mountain reference here.
Ari doesn't respect Necro Butcher. Necro Butcher doesn't respect your code, Ari! What do you think about that? HA!
Boman works twice on Saturdays, which means if he's anything like me he's doing everything on Friday night. Poor bastard.
I could have sworn Sforcina was talking about having a match a long time ago. Maybe not.
Me and Meehan agree on the Boogey Man. See, we don't disagree on everything!
Csonka complains that he doesn't get enough plugs.
JT does Byte This. I thought about buying the Superstar Billy Graham DVD, but then I remembered that I didn't really like him as a wrestler, and don't really need his promos because guys are still ripping them off today.
Don't forget to check the blog section! I might update mine pretty soon…things get busy in the last semester.
Final Thought
This isn't so much a final thought as it is a statement:
If you ever see me on some internet message board years after I'm done here bragging about how great I was and how every other writer who ever wrote about wrestling sucked ass…shoot me.
Seriously.
Next week's going to be pretty cool…I'll be covering the ROH show from Dayton with my usual witty banter. The suits tell me that the columns where I talk about shows I go to do the best, so I'm hoping this will continue the trend. I am looking forward to Daniels vs. Low Ki, even though I am saddened by no Samoa Joe. It should be a pretty fun night though, and I look forward to covering it right here next week.
And by then we'll know at least one person that's main eventing WrestleMania. Business is picking up, and we'll have all the latest news right here at the 411.
