MeeThinks 01.31.06: Marking for Mark Henry
Posted by John Meehan on 01.31.2006
“Sweet Jesus! You’ve got a…”
"Methinks, thou art a general offence, and
every man should beat thee."
- Lafeu, All's Well That Ends Well
Act III, scene ii
Hey everybody, and welcome back to The Most Positive Column in the IWC, now fortified with more reader mail than ever and enough positivity to make even Mama Benjamin blush!
Last week, we went to bat from The Bottomless Pit for Smackdown!'s most controversial star in recent memory and tackled The Boogeyman. Some great reader feedback on that bad-boy appears below, as usual. Plenty of good discussion on that as Boogeymania continues to win wrestling fans all across the globe.
But as for this week –
Since most of the feedback I received last week was just so overwhelmingly pro-Boogey, I figured I'd challenge myself (and you, the readers) to see if we can't be just as positive on a guy who, by all rights, probably doesn't hold such a high place of esteem in our hearts given the "WrestleCrap-tacular" that has been his WWF/E career.
So –
Buckle up as MeeThinks tries to give a second look at a man who is almost universally despised among the IWC elite. No, not Triple H… I'm talking about none other than The World's Strongest Man himself…
MeeThinks: Marking for Mark Henry "Sweet Jesus! You've got a…"
Yup, we're divin' right in to some Sexual Chocolate this week, my friends.
Am I getting in over my head? Only time will tell (keep reading and lemme know YourThinks after you've read the column), but I figured it was only fair to tackle a column on The Big Man this week just the same. I did it for a number of reasons, actually…
1) Just two days ago, Mark Henry challenged for the World Title in the biggest match of his career. Though nobody was surprised about the match's outcome (heck, I'm writing this three days before the match and even *I* know what the outcome will be - editing note: see, toldja), its lack of build-up, or it's relative quality, the fact remains that this week was probably the only World Title shot that a guy like Mark Henry will ever get. So if there ever was a time to give the devil his due, this week was probably that time.
2) I just happened to be re-reading All's Well That Ends Well last week (yes, Randle I'm a nerd, ok? Incidentally, though - my favorite is Hamlet), and I stumbled upon the above passage, where Lafeu – a smart-assed clown (think Matt Striker-meets-Doink) – totally tears into this boneheaded loudmouth, Parolles (think Chris Masters) for being "all show and no go," as the old saying goes. Instantly, I couldn't help but think of the same sort of criticism that the IWC just loves to lob at poor Mark Henry.
3) Mark Henry's contract is up at the end of this year, and unless Vinny Mac is smoking some serious cheeba (the likes of which would make even RVD jealous), there is just zero chance of Henry being employed by WWE after his current deal expires. So if the 2006 Royal Rumble main-event was Mark Henry's swansong, it's only fitting that I use it as an opportunity to reflect on the "career that was" for this criminally overpushed but ultimately misunderstood superstar.
Sound like fun?
Well here goes nothing, then…
Our Story So Far…
After an untimely injury caused Mark Henry to finish in a disappointing 10th place in the superheavyweight weightlifting competition at the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona (four years before Kurt Angle would win Olympic gold in Atlanta), then-owner of the then-WWF Vince McMahon quickly saw a marketing goldmine in this would-be-Olympic washout, and (for better or worse) – quickly signed the former weightlifter to a ten-year / $10 million contract – a tenure length that was practically unheard of at the time (heck, it still is).
The problem, of course –
Was the in that *tiny* fact that the man had never actually, ya know, wrestled a day in his life.
Still –
No matter, though – as Vince has long been a fan of "sports entertainment" over outright "wrestling" skill in the truest sense of the word, so in September of 1996, "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry made a splash in the WWF by easily besting Jerry "The King" Lawler in his PPV debut.
(Don't laugh – besting "The King" didn't prove so easy for Gregory Helms, ya know. And in '96, beating Lawler was hardly as easy or as regular a feat as it would become by 2006.)
In 1997, Mark Henry joined the Nation of Domination – WWF's "Attitude Era" answer to the Black Panthers – alongside Rocky Maivia (soon to become "The Rock"), Farooq (later of APA fame), and Kama Mustafa (later known as "The Godfather"), and D'Lo Brown (soon to become… well, nothing more than plain-old D'Lo Brown, really…). Teaming with D'Lo for the bulk of his matches (to help hide his in-ring limitations), Henry and Brown had their fair share of run-ins on Rocky matches (just so you wouldn't forget that they too were part of the Nation's stable), dabbled in the mid-card (feuding with former N.O.D. members like Crush and Savio Vega, now each allied with their own respective factions), and occasionally buddied up for three-and-four-man bouts alongside of Rocky and/or ‘Da Godfather. All told, while Mark & D'lo were nominal "members" of the ‘Nation, they pretty well amounted to the equivalent of the N.O.D.'s "B-team" (kinda like Scott Norton, Bryan Adams, Horace Hogan & Vincent were for the nWo).
Still, the ‘Nation had there fair share of ‘bidness to handle in the upper-midcard of the ‘Fed, as up-and-comers like Rocky & Triple H each had their respective stables (the N.O.D. and degeneration X, respectively) trade matches back and forth in the sub-mains in order to help move each of these men's "starmaking" feud along more smoothly. This lead to some "classic" WWF moments (the dX parody of The Nation was all kinds of fun), as well as a slew of passable-to-forgettable gimmick bouts between the two factions to boot (because, honestly now – between D'Lo, Mark Henry, Godfather, Billy Gunn, X-Pac and Road Dogg – you're not exactly looking at a strong crop of "solid in-ring performers," ya' know?).
But if all good things must come to an end, so to must all things mediocre.
So –
Leaving the N.O.D. behind (because, after all – the point of the stable after a while clearly became one of a vehicle to propel The Rock's solo career), Mizzark and D'Lo set out for greener pastures in a series of skits that saw D'Lo training the Big Man in preparation for a future run with one of the ‘Fed's secondary belts (D'Lo held both the Intercontinental and the now-defunct-European belts at this point). As a reward for all of his hard work and training, D'Lo "rewarded" Mr. Henry with the services of WWF's forgotten Diva sensation Ivory, though (admittedly) their pairing was short-lived.
We'll get back to that D'Lo training stuff in a second, but first – a bit more on Henry's split with Ivory and the antics that followed…
Seeking to replace Ivory with some arm candy that was more savory, WWF creative had Big Mark demonstrate a gradual (though somewhat inexplicable) drift from the "dark side" to the… ahem… "chocolate" side. And by "chocolate" here I mean "… of the Sexual variety."
Yup – being a big old hoss of a heel just wasn't enough for the "Attitude"-fueled WWF of the late ‘90's, so Mark Henry, "The World's Strongest Man" soon morphed into "Mark Henry: Sexual Chocolate" (think a modern-day Viscera without the pajamas). So now we're looking at Mark Henry rockin' a delusional "large lovin' ladies man" gimmick, where he actually thinks that the ladies are gaga over his "impressive" physique and sexual prowess (which is actually a pretty entertaining concept in the short-term when you think about it).
But –
Since "Sexual Chocolate" wasn't quite appetizing to the bulk of the female population, of course, the ‘Fed decided to take the character in the obvious comic route, choosing to saddle him with a whole bevy of "beauties" (and we'll use that term loosely here – and yes, I do mean "loose"-ly). Still, love is blind, and our Man quickly found blossoming passion in a little-known "diva" named.
Sammy.
For those of y'all who might not have been fans in '99, Sammy was – for lack of a better term – a well-oiled-transvestite love machine. Much to Big Mark's dismay, he was oblivious to the fact that poor Sammy was a dude (something virtually everyone in the audience coulda told you from a mile away) until it was far too late. How "late," you ask? Well, let's just say that when old Sexual Chocolate tried to cop a down-town-feel, he "found a man on third," if ya know what I mean.
Now then, getting back to that "training" thing…
Sexual misadventures or no, all of that training was about to pay off when Henry made it clear that he was finally ready for a shot at one of D'Lo's belts. But then – be it by reason of a brain fart on the part of WWF's "creative team" or just for reason of the company's "bait and switch" approach that was all the rage in those days (curse you, Vince Russo!) – Big Mark turned on D'Lo at Summerslam '99, allowing the challenger J-E-double-F, J-A-double-R, E-double-T to win both of Brown's belts in the process.
As a reward for his services in helping Jarrett pick up the victory, the future "King of the Mountain" gifted the European Title to an ecstatic Mark Henry later that night.
Surprisingly, nobody from the WWF brass stepped in and said that such a forfeiture was illegal.
(Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase was off in a corner somewhere crying like a little girl and sobbing "Dammit, Tunney! I TOLD YOU IT WAS LEGAL!")
But anyhow –
Fact remained that Mark Henry was YOUR European Champion (and this was back when that belt actually still meant something, too!). So here you've got a big dude with a decent look and your company's third-most-important belt. Doing some pretty good work as a heel, too – and a built-in program against D'Lo (or the newly-face-turned Godfather) seems pretty logical, right?
Not so much.
Instead, somebody from WWF creative thought it was wise not to focus on the man's European Championship (and they wonder why that belt fell by the wayside), but instead on (OF COURSE!) his long-standing SEX ADDICTION!!! Makes perfect sense, no?
Why of course it does.
So in a series of awkward (read: intentionally embarrassing) vignettes, Henry was forced to recount that he had a problem with the old "in out, in out" ever since he was a little bite-sized Sexual Chocolate. This probably stemmed from the fact that his first sexual experience was (according to storyline purposes, and again – I wish I was making this up), WITH HIS OWN SISTER.
Tasteful, this angle was not.
Still, as Mizzark tried to cope with his crippling addiction, he found an unlikely kindred spirit in a fellow sex-addicted WWF employee, a bona-fide "diva" with an insatiable libido and a liking for the "dark meat" – if you catch my drift. This lead to an unlikely paring between Big Mark and none other than…
Mae Young – septuagenarian baby's mama.
Somebody (Russo?) thought it'd been funny to pair "that fat guy" Mark with "that old broad" Mae and have them consummate their love in a series of over-the-top (read: near-vomit-inducing) backstage segments. Still, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and Mark soon found himself the proud expectant father of Mae's love child (it's a miracle!). Too bad the angle ultimately paid off with Miss Mae giving birth to a prosthetic hand...
Shortly thereafter (and perhaps not surprisingly) – Mistah Henry faded from the WWF and went back down to Ohio Valley for repackaging.
During his time away from the WWF spotlight, Big Mark took the opportunity to enter the World's Strongest Man" competition in Columbus, Ohio. He won, and claimed a $75,000 Hummer as his first prize.
Back in Titan-land –
A "repackaging" for the big guy was long overdue, and his recent win in the World's Strongest Man outing made a gimmick based on this sort of thing a natural. So fast-forward a year or two, and you've got Mark Henry, World's Strongest Man (note the capital letters here) back in action in a WWF – err, WWE arena.
"How'd they put over the fact that he was the World's Strongest Man," you ask? Maybe by having him absolutely decimate a cavalcade of opponents in impressive fashion? Or maybe by ripping a ring post out of the floor, collapsing a wrestling ring or tearing a steel cage wall right off its hinges (don't laugh, Big Show has done all three).
Of course not!
Instead – Big Mark demonstrated his "World's Strongest Man" skill(z) by bending frying pans, rocking Hummers until they fell over, and "stopping cars" (by means of cleverly concealed cinderblocks, of course).
Needless to say, that gimmick went nowhere fast – so Mark eventually found himself allied with a heel stable of "token black guys" with Rodney Mack (who?!) and lead by Teddy Long (later to become the face General Manager of Smackdown!) known alternately as "Thuggin' and Buggin' Enterprizes," and "Theodore's Playahs" – depending on who you ask. The name discrepancy not withstanding, though – fans easily saw through the fact that this pseudo-stable was really nothing more than a b-rate tag team with a b-rate manager (because Bobby Heenan, Long was not), and – not surprisingly – the stable soon was no more after a forgettable mini-feud against Bill Goldberg (yep, he used to work for WWE too, in case you'd forgotten by now) and the firing of Rodney Mack (again – "who?" you ask).
Injuries put Henry on the shelf in 2004 when he underwent surgery with Dr. James Andrews to repair a blown-out shoulder in February. While rehabbing the shoulder, Henry tore his quad in March, and was pretty well shot in terms of "active competition" for the remainder of the year. (Were it not for Dave Batista's double-injury in 2005-2006, Henry's might well have be the worst string of luck in recent memory).
Flash forward to late 2005, and Big Mark Henry once again was scheduled to redebut on WWE television – this time as the heel enforcer to lend support to WWE head RAW announcer, Jonathan Coachman (the guy who'd just stolen JR's job) in The Coach's budding feud against former WWF champion (and future hall of famer) Stone Cold Steve Austin. Not surprisingly, though – Austin wanted no part in the Coach feud once he heard that he'd be a) jobbing cleanly, b) NOT winning JR's contract back (thanks to a backstage slight of hand by Vince & Co.) and c) putting over Mark Henry in the process, so Henry's return was pushed back a few months longer as the Coach & Henry vs. Austin feud that everybody (read: nobody) was "dying to see" was quickly changed to Coach, Vader and GOLDUST vs. Dave Batista.
A bit more fast forwarding…
And we're pretty much caught up to where Henry's at today. A re-debut as the "personal enforcer" for MNM's Melina in her crusade against Dave Batista in 2006 set the stage for a logical feud between the World's Strongest Man and the World Champion. It was shaping up to be a pretty neat WWE-icized version of Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang, too – but luck (fate?) had other plans for Henry yet again, and when Dave went down with injury, Big Mark was left as the number one contender to a vacant belt (which Kurt Angle ultimately won in an impromptu Battle Royal).
So –
Henry got his scheduled World Title shot at the Rumble, only against the *wrong* champion with very little backstory. We all knewthe outcome of that one (again, I'm writing this section on Friday afternoon before the match even took place and, heck, I STILL know the outcome there - second editing note: again, toldja), and Mark Henry's run at the top of the WWE looks to be drawing to a close.
There are, of course, a recent crop of rumors that the ‘E is pondering throwing Mark Henry against The Undertaker for WrestleMania 22, though (and, as you can imagine, wrestlin' fans aren't exactly jumping at that prospect)…
So let's break down the career that was Mark Henry's WWF/E tenure in a little column I like to call…
MeeThinks?
As you've probably noticed, the backstory of this week's topic is quite a bit more substantial than that of previous weeks. This is for two reasons:
1) A lot of newer fans might not have been familiar with what, exactly, went into making Mark Henry the (pseudo?) superstar that he is (supposed to be) today. And…
2) While I'm no Mark Henry apologist, you can pretty well see that the man's track record clearly demonstrate a career's worth of bad breaks, bad ideas, bad gimmicks, and even worse intentions on behalf of WWF/E creative.
"What do you mean by ‘even worse intentions on behalf of WWF/E creative,' " you ask?
Simple –
The ‘E has made no secret about the fact that they screwed the pooch in hiring Henry to such an exorbitant and long-term contract from the get-go. Rather than "take it like a man" and agree to admit their mistake, however, WWF/E management chose to take the proverbial "low road" and make a career out of publicly humiliating Big Mark with a slew of gimmicks and angles each more tasteless, hopeless, and ridiculous than the next in hopes that the guy might just throw up his hands, say "enough is enough" and walk out on his lucrative (but degrading) guaranteed payday.
Instead –
Henry's proven to be a "company man" in the truest sense of the phrase through it all, accepting ridiculous (and embarrassing) storylines week after week – partly to fulfill the terms of his contract, and (MeeThinks) partly to "stick it to The Man" who's trying just as hard to stick it to him in the first place.
Ask yourself this question, folks –
If YOUR employer paid you a guaranteed sum of money (lets say a million bucks, of which taxes consume half, and travel, food, rental transportation and hotel accommodations gobbles up another 50-to-100 grand or so), you're left with (give or take) $500,000 a year. Now then, this same employer tells you that in order to keep collecting said paycheck, you are expected to:
a) receive simulated oral sex from a transvestite on national television
b) admit on national television that your first sexual experience was with a member of your own family
c) have simulated sexual relations on national television with a woman in her seventies
d) take part in the "pregnancy" resulting from your relations with said woman, which ultimately results in her giving birth to a prosthetic goo-covered-appendage.
e) piss all over your legitimate accomplishments by engaging in a string of cheap parlor tricks meant to illustrate your "amazing strength" that completely pale in comparison to the athletic feats of your peers
Do you:
A) "Go on, take the money and run" – laughing all the way to the bank as you play along.
Or do you…
B) Tell your boss he can stick it where the sun don't shine, because no amount of money in the world is worth that kind of public and prolonged humiliation.
Sure, we're all inclined to say "A" because "it's just pretend," right?
Imagine "pretending" like that for a living for the better part of ten years, folks. That kinda thing can get old real quick. Now imagine interacting with thousands of fans all over the world, all of which "know its just pretend," but who still will probably choose to skip right past you in the autograph line because they'd rather just shake the hand of that other guy who comes to the ring with a train of hot ladies, or that other dude who raises hell and drinks beer.
Talk about demoralizing.
Then imagine that no matter how willing you are to "go along with it" despite your employer's open intent to make a point of embarrassing you, you're also well aware that this same employer will keep coming up with more and more humiliating and dead-end stuff just so it can keep testing your breaking point.
And you wonder why people bring semiautomatic firearms to work.
THEN combine that with the fact that you're more than well aware that you're "no great shakes" in the ring, but the fact that you're always playing a fool on TV makes it pretty hard to actually, ya know – be taken seriously by the fans as you try to improve your craft.
That must make it fun to sleep at night.
THEN couple that with the fact that during those times when you actually try to brush up your in-ring abilities, your relative lack of in-ring ability (and pure dumb luck) winds up catching up to you and you wind up blowing out a serious muscle and requiring surgery.
Ready to quit yet?
THEN when you're rehabbing THAT injury, you overcompensate to protect yourself and you end up blowing out a SECOND major muscle, again requiring serious surgery and more time off of TV (where the "real" money is made, through promotions, PPV buyrates, live gate percentages, etc.).
Keep that chin up, it's about to get worse.
THEN after you've rehabbed BOTH of those injuries, you're told that the boss is finally going to "stop picking on you" and he's agreed to put you into a program with a guy that was once one of the company's top stars. Sweeten that pot with the fact that the boss tells you that he actually wants this former champion to give YOU the rub and kickstart your momentum at the top of the card to reward you for all of your years of company loyalty. An awesome opportunity – except for that small matter of the fact that the guy who's scheduled to help "make you a star" wants absolutely nothing to do with the program, so your push is yanked right out from under you and instead handed to two other out-of-work "company guys" in what amounts to nothing more than a cruel comedy angle to showcase just how sad those two guys' careers have become (which might just give you an indication as to what your boss' real motives were in putting you in that program in the first place).
So no program and no direction – can't get worse, can it?
You bet it can.
When the company finally does piece you back into that "main event slot" that they'd promised you some six months before, the guy they've given you a solid program with and you're finally scheduled to go up against (heck, because even if you *know* you're scheduled to lose to the guy, there's absolutely nothing wrong with giving a strong showing in defeat) goes out with a serious injury of his own, leaving your program exposed as nothing but a placeholder as you take on his last-minute replacement in a match that nobody could care less about smack dab in the middle of the card.
Are there any people still trying to tell themselves that this guy shouldn't have quit a long time ago?
Exactly.
But you know what?
Mark Henry has stuck it out in spite of it all. Crap gimmicks, bad booking, humiliating angles, and d.o.a. programs that he knew full well were going nowhere fast – Big Mark has endured them all. And for the bulk of his career, there were plenty of times when he did it despite the fact that most fans could care less about whether he even existed in the first place.
That's commitment.
Sure, he's not really any good in the ring or on the microphone (though you have to admit, his latest heel stint has actually been much better in the latter than much of his earlier work) – but that's hardly a fault that's entirely his own. Yes, he's had years and years to improve in the ring and on the stick – but the bottom line is that the guy never intended to be a professional wrestler in the first place. He was a weightlifter by trade, and a pretty good one at that, until injuries put him on the shelf and Vince came around waving all kinds of crazy money if he swapped careers.
It's not Mark Henry's fault that Vince McMahon decided to pay him a ridiculous sum of money to compete for the WWF/E for ten years, nor is it Mark Henry's fault that he know ZERO about pro wrestling when he was signed to such a lucrative deal.
Wouldn't you have jumped at the opportunity as well?
And so yeah, his run with WWF/E hasn't been anything memorable for any of the right reasons – but you have to give the man credit for sticking with it when the easier thing would have been to quit.
Wrestling fans and IWC know-it-alls can rag on the guy all they'd like, but the bottom line is that he's put up with more shit than even they can throw at him, and he's made a career out of doing the very best with what little ability and opportunity he's been given.
Is he anything special? Of course not – but then again, he never claimed to be.
"Methinks it sounds a parley to provocation!"
- Iago, Othello
Act II, scene iii
Shoot me YourThinks and I'll post your thoughts next week!
In the meantime…
The Unofficial Glossary of Professional Wrestling: Volume X
We're compiling a massive Wrestling Glossary of fan observations of the clichés, trends, and standbys of the wrestling world that might as well serve as the unofficial "rulebook" for this sport we all love so well. Each week, I'll post one an entry of my own as well as a few submitted by you, my faithful (and hopefully articulate) readers.
It's simple, really. You submit an entry, I add it to the Glossary, and you get the credit.
This week's additions… (we just had to start with a Royal Rumble rule, ya know)…
The Royal Rumble Flypaper Phenomenon
During a Royal Rumble (or any other over-the-top Battle Royal) match, it is a well-known fact that company officials coat the top ring rope with an invisible glue-like substance so as to create an extremely surface that is similar to common household flypaper. Should a wrestler ever find himself in danger of elimination, he need only to touch his hand to the extra-sticky top rope, and he will instantly find himself stuck to it with far greater strength than he would have were he to have touched this same surface in a non-Battle Royal contest. Should this competitor's opponents attempt to said stuck-wrestler from the rope, they will only find their efforts to be extremely ineffective, as the adhesive properties of the top rope will instantly cause the stuck-wrestler to become even more attached to this lifeline – resulting in said competitor quickly finding all of his available limbs wrapped around this sticky surface in a shimmy-like fashion. - meehan
The "Rush of Blood to the Head" Effect
Despite the fact that the ultimate impact of the move remains the same, it is an understandable fact that the effects of a suplex increase in their devastation in direct relation to the amount of time that an opponent is suspended in an upright, head-down fashion. Inexplicably, this fact extends to top-rope maneuvers and powerslams as well, as it is an equally well-known fact that the longer one holds a vertical move before execution, the more destructive it will be. - ranan Engelhart
The Mike Sharpe Perman-Injury
Should a heel sustain an injury involving a broken bone, torn ligament, etc. it is a well known fact that said injury will take an inordinately long period of time to heal. But since heel wrestlers (like their face counterparts) depend on regular paychecks from active competition in order to support their families, it is also an excepted fact that during this inordinately long recovery phase from said injury, heel wrestlers are to continue competing while being forced to wear some sort of protective cast (see: Orton, Cowboy Bob), arm or leg brace (see: Sharpe, Iron Mike; Valentine, Greg the Hammer) or even some sort of steel reinforcement to prevent against further injury (see: Luger, Lex; Brown, D'lo).
As heels are well-known to be more resourceful than their face counterparts, their respective "healing aids" (alternately – "heel-ing" aids) will inevitably find their way into securing said heels a remarkable string of victories.
Conversely, face injuries will either a) last just long enough to flare up at an inopportune moment, costing a face an important victory against a heel, or b) put the face out long enough to film an abysmal box-office bomb of a movie. - Bryan Jaffe
The Sleeper Hold Rule of Threes
Should a wrestler find themselves in a sleeper hold or headlock, said wrestler will almost always manage to escape under their own power thanks to the aid of The Rule of Threes – a series of three quick punches, elbows, knees, etc., where the third blow in the series will always prove to deliver just enough force to break free. This gives the once-captured wrestler enough time to quickly run off the ropes and deliver a devastating counter attack.
Variation: The Sleeper Hold Rule of Threes can, at times, be extended to a Rule of Sixes, a Rule of Nines, and so on. These (relatively rare) scenarios usually occur in PPV contests when a face wrestler still finds themselves in their opponent's clutches after a successful execution of The Rule of Threes. In this case, a face wrestler should take heart despite the fact that his or her mounting momentum was seemingly thwarted by their heel opponent, as it is a well known fact that all heightened suspense that good may, in fact, be bested by evil is easily overcome by a successful execution of a second (or third) Rule of Threes. - Reverend Witten
The Official / Game Phenomenon
In approximately 90% of all PPV matches involving Triple H, the sheer disparity between the greatness of Triple H and the lowliness of a humble referee will automatically result in the official falling unconscious to the floor or the ring mat. While this phenomenon is strange, there is a clear and reasonable explanation for it, however, as it is a well-known fact that nobody – not even referees – can stand in the ring against HHH, as they are simply not in the man's league. The Official / Game Phenomenon has also been known to exist (to lesser extents) in a majority of matches involving The Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, and Jeff Jarrett as well. - L'Mago
The Areola Auto-Focus Effect
The Areola Auto-Focus Effect occurs when a "Diva" (read: female), for one reason or another, should happen to lose an article of clothing, revealing a part of the body usually concealed by their undergarments (read: usually the nipple). Under such a circumstance, the Areola Auto-Focus Effect goes into full swing, and any cameraman in the immediate vicinity of said female will suddenly find himself unable to bring said Diva into view. Helpless to fight the awesome power of the Areolas Effect in order to catch a better shot of the in-ring-action, cameramen can only stand by in disbelief as their cameras automatically zoom to shots of an extremely excited audience.
This said, it should be noted that Pay-Per-View atmospheres are inexplicably immune to the Areola Auto-Focus Effect (see: Young, Mae...*shudder*). - Nelson M. Lafreniere
Awesome all around, as always. Ten volumes in and we're still going strong! Thanks to all of those who've submitted so far, and keep those entries coming for future installments!
Now then, to the reader feedback…
YouThinks Reader Mail
Boogey for you and Boogey from Mee last week, and plenty of Boogeymaniacs coming out of the woodwork to show some love for the man from The Bottomless Pit. A ton of reader thoughts this week, so let's get right to it with YourThinks!
(Feel like speaking your mind on this week's topic? Just click the link right here and we'll discuss YourThinks in next week's column!)
First things first – Kevin has some background questions on the Boogey-background:
What does The Boogeyman look like without all that face paint and what's with his missing teeth?
-Kevin
What's he look like without his facepaint? Well, his real name is Marty Wright and he used to be a bodybuilder, so how's this (warning: gratuitous wang-laden man-thong ahead):
As far as the missing teeth goes, rumor has it that Marty knocked out his teeth during a training session down in Ohio Valley (this one is still pretty disputed, though). Regardless – bottom line is that the guy decided not to get them replaced because he felt the toothlessness better "fit the gimmick."
Talk about commitment, eh?
Another background question comes from first-time contributorJason R. whose name I'm abbreviating for sake of IWC flaming – you'll see in a sec…
In your Meethinks column on the Boogeyman, you were referring to past silly gimmicks and you mentioned a zombie that shot lightning bolts and his burn victim brother that shot fire. Now ive been watching all available wrestling i can since the late 80s and i know i never saw that. To whom were your referring and what fed did they wrestle for? Thanks for your help on this
-JR
Thanks for writing, Jason. Looks like you might have missed my half-hearted sarcasm or that you simply tuned out some of the most craptacular stuff that WWF has ever tried to feed its audience, but no worries…
1) The zombie who shoots lightning I was referring to was none other than the "Original Deadman" himself, The Undertaker. Originally envisioned as a character known as "Kane the Undertaker" (better than "Bob the Builder," I suppose…), retro ‘Taker was originally packaged as a night-of-the-living-dead-type brawler, who walked real slow like a zombie and spoke in this spooky, deliberate growl. The "Kane" name quickly fell by the wayside, but the "supernatural powers" remained. From time to time (during the "Attitude Era" especially), ‘Taker was even known to shoot lightning-like pyro from the stage to help sell how "magically dead-licious" he was. He still maintains a few of those qualities today (like the living-dead sit-up-from-hell, the eye-roll, and the Graveyard Symphony entrance). And hey - check out his lightning powers and their "magical" redebut at the end of this year's Rumble!
Head on over to YouTube or run a search for "Kane the Undertaker" and you'll see what I mean.
2) His "brother," of course, is none other than Glen Jacobs – better known as Kane (yup, they gave him the same name they'd used for his brother's debut). After two other gimmicks flopped right out from under him (Kevin Nash-ripoff "Fake Diesel" and psycho dentist "Isaac Yankem, D.D.S."), Jacobs assumed the persona of "Kane," the Undertaker's long-lost brother (who, ironically – hadn't been so much as mentioned prior to like a month or two before his debut) with the "supernatural" ability to shoot fire (read: pyro) from ringposts and rafters on command (again, this is smack-dab in the heart of Attitude we're talking) after having been "burned alive" and committed to an asylum when UT's parents' funeral home "accidentally" burned to the ground many years before.
So yeah - technically not a "zombie" or a "fire-wielding burn victim" in the "truest" sense of the word, but pretty much wrestling's equivalent of the same. When you read it that way – it's no wonder why people find pro wrestling to be so far-fetched, no?
That passage seemed to give another reader some trouble as well, though – as grobs718 had this to ask:
I just wanted to know who where those wrestlers you mentioned on the boogey man article, I know the first was probably papa shango and the last two where taker and kane but who were the ones in between?
Let's look back:
A wrestling voodoo doctor. – Papa Shango (a.k.a. "Charles Wright," better known as "The Godfather"), as you'd called. Incidentally – the men behind "Shango" and "Boogey" share the same last name. Does anybody know whether or not they're related?
A necrophilia-lovin' World Champion. –Triple H, who had an infamous fling with a dead mannequin named "Katie Vick" (supposedly Kane's long-dead girlfriend).
A Hannibal-Lechter-esque nutcase with a "Mommy" fetish. – Mankind (Mick Foley), a leather-masked wrestling sociopath, who lived in a basement, talked to rats, and used to scream "Mommy" randomly throughout his early interviews and matches as well as during his original debut vignettes.
A wrestling brood of vampires who like to soak their victims in bloo... err, a "red, viscous liquid." - The Brood, which consisted of Gangrel (Dave Heath), a wrestling vampire (who'd previously wrestled under the name of "The Vampire Warrior"), Matt & Jeff Hardy, and later – Edge & Christian. The "New Brood" (E&C and Gangrel) made their mark by killing the lights in the arena and having them come back on only to find their opponents drenched in a pool of simulated blood often referred to as a "red, viscous liquid" (so-called by JR).
A real, live, wrestling zombie who shoots lightning bolts up from the rafters and smoke out from under his feet. – yup, that's ‘Taker (see above).
… his "burn victim" brother who shoots fire on command. – and yes, this one's Kane (see above).
Hope this helps!
Speaking of Papa Shango, BizEZ100 had this to say:
Am I the only one waiting for a Boogeyman-Papa Shango match? 3 reasons:
1. C'mon. His whole schtick practically SCREAMS "I wanna do a program w/ Papa Shango to decide who is the strangest, sickest MFer the WWE has ever seen"
2. We've seen a number of matches involving stars from the past over the last year or so. Eugene vs. Tatanka at Mohegan Sun RAW, Eugene & Hacksaw Duggan vs. Tomko & I-forgot-his-name at Taboo Tuesday. Let's have another one.
3. If we can get through Mae Young's escapades, we can surely get through a BM-PS gonna-sick-u-out program.
Thanks for writing, Biz. To your points in order:
1. A one-off program between the two would be all kinds of awesome. The matches would be very, very bad – but the aura surrounding the feud would rival "Undertaker vs. Underfaker" from Summerslam '94 in terms of sheer weirdness.
2. His NAME is Rob Conway… Jusss' look at him.
3. First Cena and now you – what is it with fans lumping poor Boogey in with Mae Young? One is an over-the-top, gross-out, make-you-wanna-puke tweener… the other is The Boogeyman.
;-)
More Boogeyman stuff, as A.T. Terry is hooked on the Boogeygoodness…
I never really watch smackdown but when I heard about this character I all of a sudden became interested in what this character was all about. There is just something about him that draws me into wanting to see more. I am actually excited to watch his match with JBL at the rumble, a lot more than watching Cena and whoever he is wrestling oh yea edge. But thanks for the article I really enjoyed it.
Your reaction pretty well sums up the "you gotta see this" factor that MeeThinks they were going for with this guy, A.T. It's kinda like when Tommy Dreamer started eating human hair and drinking tobacco juice just to freak people out – it's the E's response to "Fear Factor"-type programs that are purposefully designed to give their audiences a Dane Cook-like reaction of "IS HE OUT OF HIS F*CKIN' MIND!?!"
Except Boogeyman actually has a built-in character-background reason to be doing that freaky shit (e.g. – he's supposed to be seen as a legit screwball) whereas Dreamer… not so much.
Speaking of that screwy stuff… Mike H. digs the Boogeydance:
John,
I just wanted to write you a email saying that I agree with you about the Boogeyman character. I really didn't know what to think of him at first but he grew on me pretty quick. I guess it was his enterance that did it for me.
The way he crawled out and then the clock smashing/explosion. then that strange "Boogey" dance he does. I know that 'cause of his age he won't be around all that long, but he is currently my favorite "Character" on SD!.
Not "wrestler" mind you but his character is awesome.
Awesome Column
Mike H.
Thanks for writing, Mike. I'm in full support of everybody popularizing the "Boogeydance" in casual social interaction just as regularly as we all used the dX crotch-chop in the late ‘90's. You know – Mom says "hey John, want an extra helping of green beans?" (cue Boogeydance), or the professor says "Mr. Meehan, what did we learn from last night's reading?" (cue Boogeydance), or the lady-friend says "hey baby – wanna rent Must Love Dogs or Monster in Law tonight?" (cue Boogeydance)… possibilities here are endless, folks.
Onto that small matter of the Boogeyclock, however… 411 forumer Justin P. takes issue with my analogy from last week:
Hey Rocky,
I believe you meant Chuck D (of Public Enemy) when (referring to the Boogeyman's clock) you said "like the kind that Mike D. might have worn around his neck in 1987 or so."
Although that still would have been wrong. It was Flava Flav of Public Enemy that wore the clock around his neck.
Great article though. Boogeyman is growing on me.
-Justin
Good catch there, Justin. Coulda' sworn I'd just recently seen a photo of Mike D wearing a Giant clock around his neck, but a quick check through my last six months' worth of SPIN and Rolling Stone subscriptions (each are great publications to read while in one's bathroom, by the way), it would appear that you're right on that one. Mike D rocks the oversized Volkswagon emblem, and as for the clock - Flava Flav it is.
Thanks for keeping Mee honest, though – and glad you're enjoying the column!
This next fella', Steve from Brooklyn seems to agree with you – in a manner most short and sweet:
I like the Boogeyman now. Thank you.
Steve
Brooklyn, NY
Thanks ;-)
Onward –
First-time contributor B has a name that's just as short as Brooklyn Steve's letter, but his take is a bit longer:
... you nailed it with the Boogeyman.
When that guy comes crawling out thru the smoke, smashes the clock over his head, shimmies to the ring, and swallows worms, it reminds me why I really like this stuff. The guy is completely dedicated to his role in the company, and plays his part wonderfully.
And, our intelligence is not being insulted with him. It's not as though we're expected to believe this guy is the actual "Boogeyman" come to life thru our fears, it's just that he's a crazy, scary dude, and he uses that to his advantage. Anybody remember Demolition???
I would totally buy the Boogeyman as SmackDown Champion, I don't mind saying. I love the guy.
Nice job.
B.
A BoogeyChamp? While the "loves watching a car wreck" side of Mee is inclined to agree with you, B – I'm still hesitant to root for Boogey getting the belt anytime soon – as certain characters are simply just as well-suited for non-title programs (see also: RVD; Abyss).
True, giving him a run with the strap would definitely be the company's way to "reward" him for putting such effort into bringing the character to life, but just because a guy "lives his gimmick," doesn't necessarily mean that he's got what it takes to serve as your company's flag-bearer. Because as past peras a lack of actual wrestling ability or a clear-cut depth of moveset usually tends to bite such performers (and their employers) in the ass in the long run more often than not (see also: Warrior, The Ultimate; Sid, Psycho; Nash, Kevin, etc.).
Another long one from Andrew, who took a break from hangin' around that other "positive" guy to make a cameo appearance here with HisThinks:
Hey,
I read 411 quite often, and the only person I respond to on a regular basis is JP and his in Defense of columns. However, when the mood strikes, I will comment on other articles as I read quite a few of them. I consider myself loosely associated with the IWC, because I know all the fancy insider terms and read wrestling websites. However, I acknowledge the fact that I am still a mark at heart. My favorite wrestlers are Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, so that automatically disqualifies me from being a truly jaded internet reader.
Anyways, I am a fan of Hall and Nash because they were entertaining. This holds true for the Boogeyman as well. When I first heard of the gimmick I rolled my eyes and said "This is going to be some wrestlecrap for sure".
However, after watching a few weeks of the Boogeyman, I thought, "This is wrestlecrap, but man is it funny!" The Boogeyman is so hilarious and so serious about the wacky character he plays it has me holding my sides with laughter every time he does his shimmy. Thanks for defending the Boogeyman, I consider myself a Boggeymaniac as well. I say let everyone like who they like and hate who they hate. Really, the thing that sets wrestling apart from other sports is the fact that it is worked and the characters. I enjoy watching AJ Styles wrestle as well as the next IWC guy, but I also like entertaining characters to fill other spots.
In closing, I'd just like to add..."I'M THE BOOGEYMAN, AND I'M COMIN TO GET YA!"
Andrew
Thanks for contributing here, Andrew. For the record, though – I think it's actually become so passé to pick on poor Hall & Nash that it's actually back to being "IWC-friendly" to root for those two whacky burnouts once again.
And yes, The Boogeyman is all kinds of Wrestlecrap – but then again, so is "The Undertaker," from a conceptual standpoint at least. A lot of people like to say that had anyone but Mark Calaway played "The Undertaker" gimmick, then it most certainly would have been crap. I'd venture that the same can be said about Marty Wright and "The Boogeyman," in that nobody could pull this thing off as well as this guy does.
Another long one from familiar face A Guy Named Joe:
John,
I think you were totally right on with your commentary about the Boogieman. Other than Ken Kennedy, the Boogieman is one of the few wrestlers around on Smackdown today that grabs my attention and makes me want to watch him. His eating of "the mole" made him an instant uber-face in my opinion to me, and I always look forward to watching him.
The creepiness, the character, all of it makes me giggle at delight as to what he will do next. And JBL's reaction to him INSTANTLY puts him over, which is a credit to JBL's performance.
As for the real heat he gets for being pushed so soon and so fast because he didn't 'earn' his shot is complete BS. He puts so much into getting his character over than guys who may have been wrestling for 10 years and 000 matches underneath his belt, he DESERVES to be there.
The man thing today that wrestling has been lacking is attitude and character, and the Boogieman provides just that, a character that's enjoyable, entertaining, and fun to watch. Why? Because he KNOWS this is his only shot at being a good performer. People stuck their neck out to get him this shot, even though he was considered over the hill at 40 years old. But most of all, you can see his passion to perform his character, and he performs his ass off because those people have stuck their necks out for him to get this shot.
Now true, he's not putting on Shakespearian performances portraying the Boogieman, but you have to recognize talent to put himself over the top, giving his all to his character and staying in character, and even his wrestling ability for a 40 year old is sharp still.
But most of all, I am ANXIOUSLY awaiting the the Undertaker vs. The Boogieman match and the Kane vs. The Boogieman matchups as both of them should be really fun to see. The thing is this...he might only be around for a few years because he's 40, but who freaking cares? If more people had his passion for performing their heart out for their characters, and busting their asses like this guy does, then wrestling would be a heck of a lot more entertaining than it is now.
A Guy Named Joe,
Mount Prospect, IL.
p.s.---keep up the positive spin on wrestling brother. While us fans appreciate being critical with wrestling so we can enjoy it more, it is nice to have a more positive side and see the bright sides to appreciate them more.
Thanks for taking the time to write YourThinks my way, Joe. Glad y'all appreciate the time (and positive effort) that goes into this column on a weekly basis.
To your points –
Boogey/Taker and Boogie/Kane are natural feuds in the making. Each of them dabble in the supernatural/creepy occult, and it'd be fun to watch them go head-to-head if only for the fact that Boogey's ridiculous parlor tricks would pretty well expose the fact that diehard fans blindly cheer for Kane & Taker for pretty much the same stuff they slam Boogey for doing just as well – and yet we are actually supposed to "believe" that ‘Taker and Kane do, in fact, have "supernatural" powers, when needed (whereas Boogey's are just portrayed as "a screwball who buys into his gimmick WAY to much").
Kinda like the ‘E's modern-day representation of Jim Hellwig… err, I mean "Warrior Warrior."
Now as far as Boogey's age goes –
There's something that could well be accidentally beneficial to the guy about his age. Fact of the matter is, what's "shocking" or "absurdly entertaining" for a time can – with age – become stale and worn-out (think Tom Green, or Jackass). If Boogey's only got like five years or so in him, then there's something uniquely "in the now" about the guy and his gimmick, because fans won't have to worry that he'll probably be doing the same shtick 10 years or so down the road (see: The James Gang).
Think of it this way –
If you had the opportunity to catch a live show featuring Hulk Hogan in 1993 (when he was pretty much a lame duck in career limbo), but you knew that the guy would still be main-eventing in 2006 – would you have bought a ticket to see him compete? Probably not. But since we all assumed in the early ‘90's that it was gonna be our "last chance" to catch the guy (and how wrong we were, eh?), PLENTY of "casual fans" just tuned in or bought a ticket because we all thought that we might not ever have the chance to see him perform again.
So yeah, Marty Wright is older than your average competitor – but it gives his character a sense of urgency because we all know a guy (and a gimmick) like that simply isn't likely to be around for too long.
And yes, JBL is the PERFECT guy to pit Boogie against to help get the guy over. Spot-on facial expressions and totally willing to look like a fool to help put the angle over – his j.o.b. at the Rumble definitely helped give Mr. Oogie Boogie some "staying power" in the eyes of casual fans. JBL might not be a technical wizard, but he's still one of the best at portraying a "character" on the entire roster.
And while we're talking about "characters," Jannett Holland had this to say:
Mee, I was so hating on this Boggeyman until I acually saw what he was actually all about. You are exactly right on your Boogeyman thoughts. He is extremely entertaining and Ithinks the 'E' should pursue more gimmicks that bring back the "fun-to-watch" factor back and not just the "fly-by-night" gimmicks like the Spirit Squad that I am not really digging right now.
Not a fan of the "Spirit Squad," eh Jannett? MeeThinks you're probably right in that the gimmick is short-lived at best, but give them a chance to prove themselves before you go writing them off as "fly by nights." Heck – look how much longevity "Gregory" Helms was able to milk out of "The Hurricane," ya know?
Back to Boogeythoughts, though, Chris with a long Italian last name had this to add:
Great article on the Boogeyman. Couldn't agree with you more.
Just a comment about him paying his dues:
The dude eats worms on a WEEKLY basis.
The dude, as stated in your column, has a 'outlandish, laughable' gimmick.
The dude ate that mole thing (ya its fake, but i'm sure it didn't make it taste any better than it looked)
I think it's safe to say, these are some sort of 'dues.'
I think he's made up for it with all the wack-job shit he's had to do so far.
-Chris
Yeah, that whole "weekly basis" worm thing is definitely commitment to his job, if you ask Mee. I'm also a huge fan of the fact that the guy "pukes" those things back up onto the bodies of all of his squash opponents. Kind of recalls Jake the Snake's draping of Damien over the bodies of his fallen enemies, in a way. Or maybe more like Carlito spitting an apple and The Million Dollar Man shoving dollar bills down some jobber's throat only to take them back afterwords.
You'd think that each of these things would get old after a while, but fans still mark like champs when they see the Snake man tote that big green bag to ringside. Even if you've already seen it a hundred times before, Boogie's worm bit is just out there enough to make you say "man, you've GOTTA see what he's gonna' do right here."
Here's another Boogey-mail from regular contributor Jay 2K Winger:
Hey, Meehan. Still with the good writing. Personally, I think you and the HH guys are about equal in terms of positivity. I say they lose positivity points for the egos. Besides, you're from the DC area. Represent!
Anyway, couple things. First, my "copyright issues" with the E for the Gymini vs. "the Gemini" from my fan-fiction was semi-joking. Obviously, it would be a difficult case to try anyway. As for the stereotypical "identical twin" tag-team gimmick which has been around since forever, I'm not disputing that fact. To the best of my knowledge, there hasn't been a tag team that flat out calls itself the Gemini, or even uses the classic Greek names for the Twins, Castor and Pollux. That's why I get semi-indignant about the Gymini. If they ever bother to give the big lugs actual names, and if they ARE Castor & Pollux (or anything close), then it's proof. Or at least a damn weird coincidence that I might be able to get rich off of.
(And speaking of Castor & Pollux, I get annoyed whenever someone says I took the names from "Face/Off." I took the names from Greek mythology, same as the movie did.)
Second, I liked your column about the Boogeyman. Yeah, he'll never be taken completely seriously -- the guy eats WORMS, fercrissake -- but he makes for good entertainment value. The first time I heard him as being announced from "the Bottomless Pit," I thought of another infamous 'crazy person in strange ring gear' gimmick: Damien Demento, who hailed "from the outer reaches of your mind." Hey, I think there could be potential for a decent heel there. Picture him feuding with 'Taker, but actually showing that his brain isn't totally whacked out. You know, not crazy, but "crazy like a fox." He does the creepy mind-game stuff, not because he's crazy, but to throw his opponent off balance.
Example: he's feuding with Taker, who makes a few actual appearances in the weeks leading up to... oh, let's say 'Mania, for sake of argument. Boogeyman makes a few appearances as well, maybe throwing some of 'Taker's own flash and smoke and whatever in his face -- not literally, but using them to sort of say, "Yeah, I can do that too." He cuts one of his whacked-out nursery rhymes, laughs that laugh, smashes the clock. Then, one week, he speaks of 'Taker's past, that he's not as "dead" as he claims, makes threats, and then reaches into his "magic bag" (which he carries his worms in). But he pulls out ... the Urn! And Boogey says, "Paul Bearer sends his regards." Maybe a flash of lightning and red smoke fills the ring, as Boogey laughs and disappears, while Taker stands in the ring, affecting a look of surprise.
That's it for this week. You're from DC, so I'm sure you know the E is doing a Supershow at the MCI/Verizon/Whatever-the-heck-its-called-now Center, and hell, I'm guessing you've already got your tickets. I'll be there, too, along with three of my friends. Keep an eye out for a sign that says "Jay 2K (arrow down)" -- that'll be me.
Laters, Meehan.
-=Jay 2K Winger=
Thanks again, Jay. Your Gimini point (and fan-fic) is an interesting (read: eerie) similarity, but (sad face) odds are that the 'E's power-tripped lawyers would have you laughed out of court faster than you could say "Rena Mero" one they stumbled upon the notion that Castor & Pollux are "public domain" names given their age and historical connotations.
That Vinny Mac is a cagey little fella, ya know.
Anyhow - MeeThinks you're completely spot on with your hope for a Boogie/UT feud down the line, as we discussed earlier with our friend from CT, so I'll kindly skip that part and get to...
The WWE Supershow at the MCI Center on February 27 is it? I AM SO THERE. I've been stoked about it for quite some time, and rumor has it that Small-for-All is on his way, too - so it's shaping up to be a 411 PAR-TAYY in the Diamond City, my friend. I'll be dragging the room mate along, too - which should be great fun. If anybody has ideas for crowd signs they'd like Mee to bring with, shoot a line my way and lemme know, eh?
One last e-mail and we'll call it a day, deal? This one from a very excited Jeremy Robertson:
Hey, first off, do you have a myspace? Lol
ok, and second, I freaking love your column. Too many columns nowadays reflect on all the bad things happening in the wrestling industry. It's kind of like the news I guess. You know, lets only show the bad, b/c that's what people like to see. But I am not a normal 'people', and I really enjoyed your uplifting article.
It's like, you and I share one mind. I am one of the people that LOVE the Boogeyman gimmick. Sure it's farfetched and out there, but so is the Undertaker, and he is considered a 'God' in wrestling, lol. Sure, Boogey is no Kurt Angle (personal favorite) in the ring, but then again, who is? lol (I was only joking, you don't have to reply with all the wrestlers that can wrestle as well as Kurt, I know they used to exist)
Seriously though, it's good to see that someone else is defending this guy, who freaking lost hist teeth for the business! I look forward to every one of your Meethinkses...(maybe Meethinks', whatever you want it to be plural) You have the only column that I don't want to just skim through, lol. "See" ya around.
--Jeremy Robertson--
Makin' fans happy and eliminating ‘Net-gativity one column at a time, Jeremy. As James Taylor would sing… "That's Why I'm Here."
And no, I don't have a MySpace. We do have 411 author profiles, though. And you can probably find Mee on The Facebook, if you knew where to look. Also – since my boy Tommy Cutshaw flexed some mad Photoshop muscle to put this little gem together, I'll kindly indulge you with a shot of myself and the Cut-man right here and right now. I'll let y'all guess which one I am, deal?
We were the ORIGINAL Megapowers, ya know.
And With That, I'm Outta' Here
Thanks again for reading. Order the Rumble replay if you can spare a few bucks (because the Royal Rumble is EASILY the coolest gimmick match of all time, IMO), and always stay positive!
