The FlipSide Wrestling Report 01.28.06
Posted by Ryan K. Boman on 01.28.2006
By Ryan K. Boman
Nick Marsico is a tough act to follow, folks—but damn it, I’ll give it my best shot.
I have had, quite possibly, the worst cold in the history of the world this week. I'm crabby, and have been coughing like I have pulmonary emphysema. On top of all of that, my wife is pushing me to get a whole bunch of crap done to our other little house, including moving some furniture out of our storage space. Sleep is a concept that only seems fictional these days.
So, yeah... I'm in a shitty mood.
However, that could possibly make for a fun news report on this fine Saturday. I always find bitter and dry sarcasm to be the best way to look at the world of professional wrestling anyway. Why not just attack everybody and make no apologies, right? That's the best policy. After all, it got George W. Bush re-elected, didn't it?
So, buckle up. This week, we're taking a ride on the mud-slinging roller coaster.
From the 411 newswire:
Variety reports that WWE and UPN did work out a new deal for Smackdown prior to the merger with WB and that WWE was telling workers at the Smackdown taping last night that a new deal has been reached. The new deal will apparently keep Smackdown on the air for at least two more seasons: Because of this agreement, Smackdown will now be available in more homes than they previously were before. (Some areas don't have WB affiliates, some don't have UPN affiliates—this will help ‘blanket' all the markets, basically.) The good news is that people all the way from Terre Haute to Tacoma will get to see the Boogeyman eat disgusting things and do the Tourette's Syndrome shake next fall. That is, if he hasn't been released by then.
Bill Goldberg will be part of a new SpikeTV show called Pros and Joes which will debut on 3/6. The concept of the show is regular guys competing against professionals in a variety of different sports. The regular guy who does the best will win season tickets to the sports team of their choice. Goldberg, in addition to Jerry Rice, Bo Jackson, Dennis Rodman, Jennie Finch, Bill Romanowski, and John Rocker, will be one of the professionals on the show: Goldberg, the former WCW world champion and future academy award winner, continues to try and make it in Hollywood. Unfortunately, his acting skills fall just a bit short of Sir Laurence Olivier. Actually, they're more on par with that kid who played Screech on "Saved by the Bell".
The Rock ‘n' Wrestling Connection Part Deux: MTV is apparently going forward with their wrestling venture in a serious manner. They have looked at young talent, as well as signed established names like Justin Credible, Sean Waltman, and New Jack. One name that sticks out to me, however, is Matt Sydal. This kid is from St. Louis (my hometown), and I've seen him wrestling since day one, basically. The boy can work, my friends. When he learns to slow things down a bit and work the crowd more, the kid's going to be scary good. Hopefully for the sake of him and all the other talent, MTV markets this thing as a wrestling show, and not a sideshow.
Stacy won't pose for Playboy: Stacy Keibler stated recently that she had been offered a few hundred thousand to pose in the magazine, and turned it down. She went so far to say she wouldn't even pose for two million dollars. In a related story, medical experts say they see a downward trend in carpal tunnel syndrome in U.S. males in the months to follow.
Edge=Ratings: RAW continues to do well with the Rated R superstar as their champion. Some doubted Edge when WWE put him over Cena for the title, but he has done well with the belt thus far. The ratings are a mere reflection of that. Apparently, he is drawing in the "we-like-guys-with-popsicle-sticks-for-legs" demographic.
In an appearance on the Bubba the Love Sponge show, Sean Waltman said that he and Joanie Laurer are over, that Laurer is a pig, that he smokes weed often and smoked too much of it during the NWO/DX days, that Triple H has saved his life before, that he and Laurer did Crystal Meth once, and that he has never seen Laurer take steroids. He also claimed that he has had sex with porn star Jenna Jameson: The only thing that would have made this whole interview better is that when it was over, some sort of explosion broke out in the studio, ultimately killing both Waltman and Bubba. Those two attention whores deserve to die together.
Fit Finlay...Smackdown Superstar? You know things are going badly when a guy who rarely held a title in WCW and strauggled as a mid-carder is getting a major push on WWE television. No offense to Finlay, but this guy will be off TV in less than six months. Guaranteed.
Carlito and Shaq: In another fabulous move, WWE apparently shot an angle with Carlito at the Miami Heat game Thursday night. Shaquille O'Neal dropped Carlito with a chair after the cool Carribean star was taunting Heat player Jason Williams. This is another example of the way WWE seems to be wasting their time with ridiculous PR stunts and dumb angles, as it appears their will be no follow-up to this story. Just for the record, the Heat were beaten in the game that night, and maybe if Shaq was more focused on basketball, he wouldn't be having the worst year of his career.
A quick break from the hatred to give props to a fellow writer:
Bayani Domingo might be the funniest mother fucker in the world, to the point that I actually laugh at his stuff until tears are coming out of my eyes. If you haven't read his "Truth B Told" column on Fridays, you should do so immediately. He's a fantastic columnist. Also, the ladies tell me he's hung like a Spanish fighting bull.
The Made-Up news
Big Show Injured: While snorkeling off the coast of Florida, the Big Show was apparently harpooned by a whaling boat. When reached for comment, a WWE spokesman stated, "We have warned him numerous times about swimming in a gray swimsuit, but he didn't listen. It is an unfortunate incident, but we hope to use it an angle in the future."
AJ Styles officially christened the messiah of pro wrestling: In an unprecedented move, Pope Benedict XVI recently anointed the Phenomenal One as the savior of the sport. At a speech delivered at the Vatican, the Pope stated that Styles is "one hell of a wrestler".
Undertaker receives psychological counseling: The Undertaker recently enrolled in group therapy due to some personal issues. Apparently, he has developed somewhat of a split personality. At times, he believes he is a bad ass biker, then the son of the devil, and finally a funeral home director. No word as of press time if this will affect his ability to wrestle 6 matches a year.
Wrestling Geek Selection of the Week: Starrcade 1983. The granddaddy of them all. This one is what launched the era of ‘mega shows' and helped drive the business towards PPVs. Younger fans should check this out for the history alone.
That's about it for this week. You guys take care of yourselves as well as each other. We'll be back here next Saturday to be as stupid as we can possibly be. And, I'm quite certain, we can be really, really stupid.
