The Sunday Small-For-All News Report 01.29.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 01.29.2006
Orlando Jordan Wins the Rumble! You Heard it Here First!!!
Welcome back to the never-ending knowledge buffet that I would like to call the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. In today's edition, we have plenty of Rumble talk, my hard-on for Mark Henry returns, all the latest news from around the world (ok, just WWE and TNA) will be reported, and last but not least, the Smackdown vs Raw 2006 simulator returns to predict the Royal Rumble. Last month, the video game made me its bitch and hopefully, I will be able to exact some revenge on it this time.
But before I get started, let me make one thing clear to all my fans, aspiring writers, and my two baby-mamas, there's nothing better than appearing on 411 Fact or Fiction. Regardless of your opponent (mine would happen to be Sforcina) and regardless of if you win or not (hellz yea I won), it's an honor just to be chosen. Plus, it one ups me on Slimmer.
Alas, you came here for the news and not for attempted fellatio (since this isn't 411Porn). As my good buddy Brian Fellows would say "Let's Get Going!"
The 260 Words or Less Weak in Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
On Raw this week, Edge and Cena opened the show with a verbal debate that at least made Csonka want to see their upcoming match. The Coach beat Jerry "the King" Lawler when a group of hairless OVW wrestlers made their SNL debuts. Shelton Benjamin lost to a weak looking HBK rollup after a 20 minute match. Vince had some sort of promo with Shawn that I muted. And Carlito, Chris Masters, Lance Cade, Gregory Helms, and Rob Conway were all made to look really weak at various points in the show.
Smackdown saw Rey Mysterio dedicate his Royal Rumble appearance to Eddie, JBL swim in a pool of worms, and the MexiCools qualify for the Rumble. Mark Henry also made copious appearances from squashing Rey to powering out of the Kurt Angle's ankle lock. Speaking of the champ, he managed to defeat MNM single-handily showing that tag teams do not belong on Smackdown (just Velocity). Also, Benoit and Orton tangled in a 30 minute snoozefest that made me long for some Johnson… Notch Johnson that is. As soon as Smackdown ended, I put on my Son of the Beach DVD set.
Sting finally appeared on TNA Impact only to say his goodbyes to the wrestling alternative. Hey, it's one more appearance than Macho Man. Team 3D is involved in an internet vote which hopefully won't lead to Matt Hardy ruining the expected outcome. Oh and Christian is getting his shot for the title; however, the result should be no different than most of his WWE matches. BITCHES.
WWE Newz of the Weak DOOD!!!
Network Newz
So by now everyone knows about the UPN/WB television merger. I really do not have anything that really needs to be said about it except that it's a good idea. The sum of the quality of CW shows will definitely be larger than its parts. The CW network will be full of mostly quality television that will keep most of the loyal UPN/WB people happy. It looks like UPN's comedies will have its own separate night, another night for WB's comedies, one night combining both networks' reality shows, a night of Gilmore Girls/Veronica Mars, and finally Friday Night Smackdown. Sounds like a Win/Win for all involved in the short term.
Speaking of Friday Night Smackdown really quick, 411 writer JP had some feedback on my discussion of why UPN should keep Smackdown. He writes in, "The WWE's contract with UPN is like their new one with USA. UPN just pays the WWE a straight fee and then sells the advertising themselves. So that extra $4000 on Friday's also goes to UPN. Looks like a win/win for them. They make less money off the WWE, but more in the long run."
Thanks JP!!! Remember read JP's stuff and bitch at him for not having a blog. In the meantime, my blog is an awesome substitute.
Rey Mysterio is Ready to Rumble!!! So is David Arquette.
In yesterday's Miami Herald featured an article regarding Royal Rumble press conference. In the article it noted that Rey Mysterio dedicated winning the match to Eddie Guerrero, and Triple H said in his promo, "'With respect to Rey Mysterio, I've actually never heard somebody dedicate a loss to somebody. If you think that you're going to the Royal Rumble and that you're going to win, I've got news for you. I don't care if Eddie Guerrero reaches down out of the sky and helps you himself -- it's not going to happen.''
Man, that Triple H is a badass. This report only further fuels the belief that Rey Mysterio will win the Rumble and might even eliminate Triple H last. That's at least what I think.
Live Drawing Canceled
WWE originally planned to have the Royal Rumble participants draw their numbers live on WWE.com Sunday afternoon. However, a couple hours later, Vince McMahon changed his mind as the numbers will be picked during the pay-per-view. For those of you who wanted to look at drawings before the PPV, I suggest Maddox's site. He really rips those kids a new asshole.
Orlando Jordan Update
According to WWE.com's Royal Rumble Odds, "Depending on the draw, Orlando Jordan can go either way."
Truer comedy cannot be written.
Warrior Advice
The Ultimate Warrior gave his advice on the Royal Rumble (the advice is underlined): "If they refuse to understand that the power of the Ultimate Warrior has spread like a virus through the WWF then let them continue to walk as normal as they seem. But if those twenty eight normal men want to have special attractions such as the Royal Rumble then you and I as the Warrior's, the most powerful force in the WWF, will continue to see it only as another challenge, only as another day of combat. Twenty eight of those normal men stacked one on top of another can't come close to the billions and the destinations from parts unknown. You realize, as I do, that the twenty ninth man, you Hulk Hogan, walk with a different forcefield around you, walk on horizons that are close to where I've been. But no one in the Royal Rumble shall form a team. Every man will fight for what he feels is within himself. And I, the Ultimate Warrior, will fulfill another destiny."
Ok, so maybe I was wrong about that comedy statement.
Good Thing Carlito Didn't Mention Kazaam
On Thursday night, after the Miami Heat lost at home to the Phoenix Suns, Carlito got into an altercation backstage with Miami Guard Jason Williams. This confrontation was broken up when Shaq hit Carlito in the back with a chairshot. Footage of this attack was shown on ESPN's SportsCenter last night and also can be found on WWE.com.
Brock Lesnar News
From the Wrestling Observer, Judge Christopher Droney granted a WWE motion to delay the scheduled hearing tomorrow for the company to oppose a summary judgment that would result in Brock Lesnar's non-compete being thrown out. The new date for the hearing is 2/8.
Both the WWE side and Lesnar's side each have 20 minutes before Droney, who will then decide whether to throw out WWE's claim and allow Lesnar to wrestle world wide, or keep the case going forward.
To be honest, the WWE is just buying time before Brock Lesnar will get out of his contract. The WWE has done their best chance to bankrupt the man in order for him to take a lowballed contract. Personally, once Lesnar gets out of his contract, I would not be surprised if the WWE offers him a much higher deal and he takes it. Sure, Lesnar would be stupid for doing this but I don't think TNA would use him properly. TNA can't constantly keep building new people up. There are already too many people on TNA that need squash matches to be constantly over (Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, Rhino, Samoa Joe (to keep him heel)) and the company does not need another one. TNA has a stable and solid roster right now that they do not need to sign another big castaway yet; let the company use what they have first before signing another huge contract.
Weekly Dancing with the Stars Update
Stacy Keibler danced her way to 2nd place with 26 points. She was not eliminated this week. In addition, she will be gracing the insert of the TV Guide cover this week. I'm assuming she's still the favorite to win. However, in sad news, Master P only got 8 points and was eliminated. RIP P.
Bizarre Newz of the Weak
From the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Al Snow claimed in a recent interview that Vince once called him about his European Champ gimmick while Vince was in the middle of screwing Linda.
I can't even make this shit up if I try.
TNA News of the Weak DOODETTES
TNA Roster Newz
From the Wrestling Observer Newsletter,
Apolo's status is questionable
Christy Hemme is set to be Raven's girlfriend if she signs with TNA
Shannon Moore has tons of heat for being pushed before "homegrown" talent
Jeff Hardy is on his way back
First off, I don't really care about Apolo considering he's a mediocre wrestler and has not impressed in his long tenure with TNA. I'm still pissed about Christy's departure from WWE so good for her if she goes to TNA. The best part is she won't be a girlfriend of Jarrett. Though Raven is not much of a step-up. As for Shannon Moore and his heat, I can't say that I'm surprised. They immediately put him in a feud with AJ Styles without any buildup and they gave him the win!!! Finally, add Jeff Hardy's name to the list I compiled before when talking about Brock Lesnar. Like Sean Waltman, TNA does not need Jeff Hardy and his lazy attitude. I'll leave the bitching to Larry on this one.
Sting Delivers the Goods
PWInsider reports, "The word going around is that the TNA Final Resolution PPV delivered the highest buyrate in TNA history. The show was headlined by Sting & Christian Cage vs. Jeff Jarrett & Monty Brown.
I'm interested in knowing just how many buys a TNA PPV gets. I heard that last month's Genesis buyrate was on the lower end but haven't seen any numbers recently. So far, Sting's debut has paid off as buyrates, not TV ratings, really influence the profitability of the company. Here's hoping the buyrate for Against All Odds will hold up without Sting.
AJ Speaks His Mind
Here are highlights to a recent interview with AJ Styles that can be found on Wrestling Observer.com:
Thinks Jarrett should not be on the creative team
Thinks MTV's wrestling promotion will fail due to the wrestlers involved
Thinks Samoa Joe should get a raise while Sting's "pay scale was a little high"
More guys need to be in the X-Division title scene
Speaks of his tight-knit relationship with Chris Daniels and Samoa Joe (but there's not the Clique)
Says his match with Samoa Joe at AAO will have a gimmick that's only been used once before in TNA history
Can't really disagree with most of what he said though he probably did not do any favors with TNA management (Jarrett). As for his comment about the X-Division title scene, where would that leave him? Considering the Main Event scene is quite booked, AJ is quite the odd man out in TNA. Here's hoping he has some good ideas about the direction of his character.
Fun With YouTube
Since YouTube's been the #1 place to go for entertainment, each week I will link you to two matches that you might or might not have seen. This week's entry:
So tonight is the Royal Rumble. Like many of you, I am a Rumble mark. Regardless of how shitty the undercard may be (and this year's is quite shitty), I still have an interest in watching the main event. Outside of 1999's edition which featured the worst Rumble ever, I have always felt satisfied with the Pay Per View. The Rumble is the best predictor of the headed direction of the company as many big angles begin to take shape at some point during the PPV. Even the interviews/promos of the night can foreshadow upcoming events (for instance, Ric Flair's mocking of Chris Benoit before the 2004 Rumble hinted at his Raw debut). Even though there are many things going wrong in the WWE at this moment, the Rumble PPV can put the company back on track leading to Wrestlemania.
To help predict what will happen at tonight's PPV, I shall be using the Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 video game to simulate the results. To prevent bias, I am not taking control of any of the characters. I will just be giving Play-By-Play/Running Commentary of what is happening in the ring. I do this not only because I get a kick out of it but also in order to provide a non-human prediction of what may happen. And considering I would not be surprised if some members of the writing staff were alien, any of these predictions might in fact happen.
For all the characters that are not in the SvR 2006 video game, I created them using by far the best walkthrough guide I can find at caws.ws. You know it must be the best site as they have six different ways to create Skinner.
Last month's Results…
The simulator predicted 3 out of 5 matches correctly (.600)
I predicted 1 out of 6 correct (.160)
Match One: The Boogeyman vs. JBL
JBL takes control to start with an elbow to the back of Boogeyman's head. He misses a quick knee drop allowing the Boogeyman to come back with punches. The Boogeyman's latter punches are blocked and JBL gets a piledriver!!! The Boogeyman fights back but JBL elbows him back down. Clothesline to the Boogeyman. Instead of covering, JBL bails allowing the Boogeyman to dance!!! Back in the ring, JBL gets a running neck drop. He argues with the referee allowing the Boogeyman to get a rollup for 1. Boogeyman goes on the offense with some punches and kicks. JBL ends this onslaught with another elbow to the head and gets an eye rake to take cover. JBL powerbombs the Boogeyman for 2 ¾. JBL argues with the ref allowing the Boogeyman to get up. The Boogeyman runs into a big boot. The Boogeyman gets back up and hits a running neckbreaker. The two men slug it out again and JBL powerbombs the Boogeyman again. This is no sold as the Boogeyman stands back up. The Boogeyman gets a quick powerslam. He climbs to the top rope and comes off with a forearm. He runs at a staggering JBL but is big booted. This momentum breaker allows JBL to remove a turnbuckle pad. JBL reverse DDTs the Boogeyman. He picks up the Boogeyman and uses a hammerlock to slow the match down. JBL breaks the hold and pushes the Boogeyman away. JBL clotheslines the Boogeyman back to Parts Unknown @ 4:51.
SvR Prediction: JBL
My Prediction: JBL
Match Two: Ashley vs. Mickie James- Special Guest Ref: Trish Stratus
Ashley runs after Mickie to start, but the wily lesbian gets a quick poke to the eyes. However, Ashley comes back with a crossbody. She slugs away and gets a knee to the midsection. Mickie reverses a whip but finds herself about to be back suplexed. She escapes that move. A forearm knocks Ashley down. She fights back and gets a scoop slam. Mickie then dumps Ashley over the top rope. In the ring, they slug it out again until Mickie low blows her. Elbow drop follows which gets 2. Ashley dumps Mickie as Trish starts her count. Ashley follows her outside and grabs a sleeper. Both tumble back in at 6. Mickie gets a dropkick to start her offense but Ashley turns the table with a snapmare. Mickie bails again as I start to get bored.
Ashley follows her out but Mickie runs back into the ring. While Trish is counting, Mickie removes the top turnbuckle. Mickie then goes back outside and they slug it out again. In the ring again, and Mickie bails only to neck snap Ashley on the ropes. Mickie gets a forearm to the back to knock Ashley back down. She kicks her knee before mounting her with punches. Chick Kick gets 2 ¾. Mickie argues with Trish allowing Ashley to dump her outside. Ashley follows with some more brawling before both get back in at 5. Ashley goes to the top rope for a double axe handle but Mickie dropkicks her in mid-air!!! In a perfect world, that would be the end.
They slug it out again before Ashley comes off the ropes with a crossbody. La Majistral gets 2. Ashley goes up top and elbow drops Mickie. She picks Mickie up and whips her into the corner. 10 punches follow. Mickie bails again to catch her breath. Mickie comes back in and gets a running neck drop. Mickie goes to pick Ashley up but Ashley reverses into a small package for 2 ¾. That would have been an appropriate ending, but nope, this match must continue. Frustrated, Mickie throws Ashley into the exposed turnbuckle but can't capitalize. Ashley gets a back suplex and an inverted backbreaker. Ashley unloads on Mickie again before Mickie capitalizes with a rollup of her own. The pin attempt is broken up at the ropes. Ashley gets a running neckbreaker. She picks Mickie back up but Mickie whips her back into the exposed turnbuckle. Corner clothesline misses and Ashley gets a bulldog. A Russian leg sweep follows.
Mickie bails for the fifth time and grabs a chair under the ring. A chairshot misses and Trish grabs the chair from Mickie. Ashley tries to capitalize but is low blowed. Mickie scoop slams Ashley. Mickie tries to pick up Ashley but Ashley surprises her with a second small package that thankfully ends this match @ 12:23 for Ashley. Steamboat/Macho Man this was not.
SvR Prediction: Ashley
My Prediction: Ashley
Match Three: Kid Kash Open Invitational
Considering that an opponent or the match type has not been made, I cannot simulate this match. Unless someone debuts from TNA, Kash retains in a meaningless timekiller.
My Prediction: Kid Kash
Just a note: Davari speaks his usual jibberish throughout the match greatly annoying me. Angle and Henry meet in the middle of the ring and both of their opening offense misses. Angle gets a hammerlock to start. This is countered and the two counter each others' strikes for a bit. Henry is able to end this counterfest with an atomic drop. He then grabs Angle's head and punches him back down. Henry picks Kurt back up and german suplexes him. Henry allows Angle to get back up. Henry runs into an Angle overhead belly to belly suplex!!! This does not seem to faze Henry much as he follows up with a delayed gorilla press slam. He then bails to taunt the fans.
Angle follows Henry outside and chases him. However, Angle runs straight into a Davari clothesline. Henry picks Angle back up and sideslams him on the floor. The two make their way back to the ring to break the count at 6. The World's Strongest Slam gets 1. Henry removes the turnbuckle cover and whips Angle into the exposed steel. When Henry gets to the corner, Angle throws Henry into the steel. However, before he gets a move, Henry throws him back into the corner. Angle fights his way out but is promptly kicked in the stomach. The World's Strongest Slam ends the match @ 3:21. Yes, the video game wants to see Mark Henry as World Champion. Can't blame them too much.
SvR Prediction: Mark Henry
My Prediction: Kurt Angle
Cena jumps Edge to start and quickly DDTs him. Edge fights back with a spinning wheel kick and chops Cena down. Edge gets a couple forearms to the back and locks Cena in the Edgecator (his modified Sharpshooter). Cena makes the ropes forcing Edge to break the hold. Edge tries to lock the move back in but Cena powers out. Cena punches Edge before getting a running bulldog. Edge gets a cheapshot to take over and follows with a Downward Spiral. Edge tries to go back to the legs but Cena powers out. Cena suplexes Edge. Inverted backbreaker follows. Edge is whipped into the corner and Cena follows up by choking him in the corner. Protobomb (spinning powerbomb) follows. Edge quickly spears Cena and punches him on the ground. They both get to their feet allowing Cena to grab a hammerlock. Edge misses a clothesline once the hold is broken and runs into the FU. This gets 2 ¾.
Cena allows Edge to get back up and try to escape the ring. A throwback doesn't allow Edge to leave. Cena picks Edge back up but his standing dropkick misses. Edge dumps Cena over the top rope. Edge removes the turnbuckle in our popular spot of the night. Cena makes his way back into the ring only to be dropkicked. Edge now bails. When he gets back in the ring, Cena thesz presses him. Cena fails to capitalize as a cheapshot allows Edge to get a back elbow and another spinning wheel kick. Edge throws Cena into the exposed turnbuckle. Edge knocks Cena back down with a forearm. Cena is whipped into the ropes but comes off with a shouldertackle. Cena clothesline. A second FU hits!!! However, Lita distracts the ref so it only gets 2.
Edge bails again and grabs a chair underneath the ring. Cena climbs to the top turnbuckle and a missle dropkick connects. The chair is now out of Edge's hands. A third FU ends the match @ 7:42. Yes, the women's match went longer than both title matches combined.
SvR Prediction: John Cena
My Prediction: Edge
Royal Rumble
Quick Note: The SvR only allows 6 wrestlers in the ring. So instead of minute intervals, a new person is only allowed into the ring after an elimination. The first six wrestlers enter the ring 10 seconds apart.
Now with two new champions, let's see who will be one of their opponents. Apropriately, Chris Benoit is #1 and Road Warrior Animal is #2. They slug it out to start as Rey Mysterio makes his way in at #3. Immediately, Rey and Animal team up and eliminate Benoit!!! I guess they don't want to take any chances tonight. Shawn Michaels is #4. HBK comes in and crotches Animal on the top rope. Animal fights back in and promptly eliminates Shawn Michaels!!! Joey Mercury enters at #5 and nothing of note happens. Chris Masters is #6. Rey and Mercury brawl. They decide to team up, however, to eliminate Animal. The returning Rob Van Dam is #7. Masters eliminates Rey's promise to Eddie by eliminating him. Nothing of note happens until Super Crazy enters at #8. Crazy and RVD eliminate Masters. The duo then throws out Joey Mercury as Johnny Nitro enters the ring at #9. Super Crazy turns on RVD and eliminates him. Booker T is #10 as Nitro and Crazy brawl.
Booker watches the fight as Bobby Lashley enters at #11. Lashley goes right after Booker T. Ric Flair enters the Rumble at #12. The match slows down a bit as Carlito enters (with no signs of Shaq) at #13. This is the first time there are six men in the ring during this match. All six brawl until Carlito and Nitro eliminate Booker T. Carlito turns on Nitro and, with the help of Crazy, eliminates Nitro. Carlito then turns on Crazy and eliminates him!!! Matt Hardy is out next at #14. Nothing of note happens until Randy Orton's entrance at #15. Lashley and Hardy team up to eliminate Flair. Shelton Benjamin (minus Mama) is #16 and he goes right after Carlito. Kane is #17 and immediately helps Randy Orton eliminate Shelton. His mama won't be happy tonight.
Lashley and Hardy team up against Kane. The Coach is #18. Lashley and Kane fight while the Coach escapes elimination. Lashley tries to eliminate Kane but fails. However, Carlito succeeds and eliminates Kane!!! Carlito watches the action as Charlie Haas enters the match at #19. He is our first of three surprise entrants tonight. The Coach Stone Cold Stuns Lashley. The Coach's celebration is short-lived as Lashley immediately gets up and eliminates the Coach. Sylvan enters at #20. Lashley eliminates Matt Hardy and then Carlito (who had an impressive showing).
Chavo Guerrero is #21 and he forms a friendship with Charlie Haas. Together, they eliminate Lashley!!! Simon Dean is #22 as nothing much happens. Trevor Murdoch is #23 as the ring begins to fill up again. Chavo Gory Bombs Haas. Chavo then goes to work on Dean. Sylvan and Orton (yes he's still in the match) work together to eliminate Chavo. Orton then turns on Sylvan but fails to eliminate him. Viscera is lucky #24. Orton and Haas now work together to eliminate Murdoch. Psicosis is #25. The team of Orton and Haas eliminate Big Vis. However, this team ends when Simon Dean and Psicosis eliminate Haas. The Big Show is #26 and Orlando Jordan is #27.
The Big Show eliminates Sylvan. The Undertaker (mystery entrant #2) enters at #28. Orton and Taker fight which leads to a tombstone on Randy Orton. Taker's running DDT busts Dean wide open. Thankfully, no one gets hepatitis as Orton promptly eliminates Dean. The Rock is #29 and the arena in Miami goes wild. Orlando goes straight after the Rock and with help from the Undertaker, they eliminate the Rock!!! Taker chokeslams the Big Show as Triple H enters at #30. Immediately, Triple H eliminates the Big Show. He fights with Orton and one of his punches busts Orton open. HHH pedigrees Psicosis who is also busted open. HHH's offense ends as he walks into a tombstone!!! Taker then eliminates our ironman, Randy Orton.
The Final Four: Orlando Jordan, Triple H, the Undertaker, and Psicosis. Looks like either Triple H vs. Cena or Undertaker vs. Mark Henry will happen at Wrestlemania. Triple H and Psicosis slug it out in one corner of the ring as Orlando works on the Undertaker. Psicosis gets a tree of woe on Trips. Once Triple H escapes the hold, he eliminates Psicosis. The three men all attack each other for a bit as no one is eliminated. This ends when the Undertaker teams up with Orlando Jordan to eliminate the last Raw member, Triple H. Orlando Jordan escapes the Undertaker's elimination attempt. The two keep reversing whip attempts as neither wants to be eliminated. Orlando gets his boxing punches to knock the Dead Man down. However, The Undertaker sits back up and walks back into a downward spiral. Orlando Jordan eliminates the Undertaker to win the Royal Rumble @ 28:48!!!
SvR Prediction: Orlando Jordan
My Prediction: Rey Mysterio
Thoughts: Yes, the video game thought Orlando fuckin' Jordan will win the Royal Rumble. I guess anything can happen in the WWE!!! You know, I had no problems with either Triple H or the Undertaker winning the match as both belts changed hands. However, this never happened as the bi-sexual OJ will headline his first Wrestlemania either against Mark Henry or John Cena. Well, it looks like I might have a better chance this time of getting more predictions correct than my counterpoint.
As for the other matches, JBL/Boogeyman was booked just as it should: nothing more than an elongated squash for the Wrestling God. The women's match was ungodly long while the World Championship match was way too short. I did enjoy the WWE Championship match as the ending was something that could definitely happen at the PPV.
PLUGZ
Boman explains how to be break into the pro wrestling business here.
Steve Sullian predicts Wrestlemania in his OVW Crystal ball. There's a second part to his column but I think you might be able to find that on your own.
Ryan Byers spends too much money on cheap wrestling. Read about his latest addition to his bookcase here
Stay Tuned
Well, kids, that was quite the long report. If it weren't for those awesome floor seats I purchased this morning for the WWE Supershow in DC, I probably wouldn't have had the determination to finish this. But hey, if Chris Benoit can go sixty minutes to win a match that is no more than a glorified #1 contender's match, I think I can write a measly column.
Next week's column will be devoid a PPV; however, that doesn't mean you should skip it. I will be rewarding you all with a nice surprise so you better stick around. And no, it's not porn!!!
Randle's in tomorrow. Enjoy the Rumble.
For the Sunday Small-For-All-News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
