Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 02.02.06: Dealing with Amazons
Posted by Ryan Byers on 02.02.2006
No, it doens't require a trip to South America . . . though we will see the Giant Gonzalez.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to your special Groundhog Day edition of Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. This week, we're going to be taking a look at yet another entry in Coliseum Video's long line of WWF releases, as well as examining a new, cheap source of said videos.
Before we do that, though, I wanted to take a quick time out to once again plug the blog that the recent 411 redesign as bestowed upon me. You won't find livejournal-esque suicide threats, but you will find my ramblings about the non-wrestling pop culture that I'm consuming on a day-to-day basis. For those of you who can't get enough grappling, there's even a mini-review of the new Best of Christopher Daniels DVD released by TNA.
Also, though it may seem odd to plug "the competition," I just wanted to direct everybody to this excellent interview with Jim Cornette, conducted by Inside Pulse's Bambi Weavil. If you've ever wondered about my philosophy on wrestling that underlies the opinions in these reviews, Corny basically lays it out with more detail than I ever could. For what it's worth, Ms. Weavil's weekly contributions to the site are also worth a read.
And, with all that out of the way, let's get to the Cheapness.
Cheap Wrestling Tip #29: Amazon Marketplace & zShops
After initially making its name as an online bookstore, Amazon.com has slowly yet surely expanded its business so that just about every product under the sun can be obtained through the retailer. However, after reaching a certain point, the fine folks at Amazon realized that they couldn't carry everything in their warehouses. As a result, the most recent additions to Amazon's list of services have been Amazon Marketplace and zShops. Marketplace allows individual uses to sell items, similar to a Half.com. Meanwhile, the zShops allow small businesses to both make direct sales and run auctions. In both locations, you can discover hard to find wrestling tapes and DVDs.
Using the Marketplace is as simple as typing in the name of the product that you want . . . Marketplace buying options will appear next to the item's regular listing. As far as the zShops go, there is a separate "wrestling" category set up here. However, the most reasonably priced amongst these sellers is probably Stanley2.com, who has plenty of WWF/E merchandise available for sale. The folks who run it are reliable, too, as I worked out a few deals with them on eBay a little while ago.
So, what was I able to dig up on Amazon? Let's take a look.
Title: Invasion of the Bodyslammers Released By: WWF & Coliseum Video Release Year: Run Time: 60 minutes Found At: http://www.amazon.com Price: $7
An aging Lord Alfred Hayes and the Reverend Slick are our hosts, and they're here to teach Kamala how to bowl. If you're wondering why this is happening, it's the result of a short-lived angle in which the Ugandan Giant was turned face as Slick tried to "civilize" him. In this opening segment, Kamala runs in fear when his manager presents him with the gift of bowling shoes. It's not made clear whether the big savage was running away from the horrible color combination or the horrible smell.
Match Numero Uno: Yokozuna w/ Mr. Fuji vs. Earthquake
These two guys had some pretty good matches as Yokozuna was on his way up to the top of the WWF, including a memorable "sumo" match on Raw that played off of the fact that Tenta had some legitimate experience in that sport. Quake starts off with some kicks to the gut and a headlock, after which we get in the requisite "neither guy can knock the other down" spot. Yoko suckers his man in to a back elbow, though, and then he knocks Earthie down with a clothesline and drops the leg. An avalanche and the bonsai drop finish things off seconds later.
Match Thoughts: Well, so much for the pretty good matches that these guys had. It was a squash, which unfortunately failed to display Tenta's underappreciated athletic skills. DUD
Match Numero Dos: The Beverly Brothers (Beau & Blake) vs. The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobs & Jerry Sags)
Speaking of people who were really underappreciated, here come Mike Enos and Wayne Bloom. The Nasty Boys start things off with a series of quick tags, completely dominating Blake Beverly. He eats the Pit Stop but then finally manages to take down Knobs. Double teaming from the Beverlies ensues, setting up a Rude Awakening from Blake and a tag to Beau. He comes off the top with a double axe handle and gets in a legdrop for two. Blake comes back in with a bodyslam, but he misses a swandive headbutt, which almost results in a hot tag. Beau runs in to prevent that from happening, though, and he works in a low blow. The Beverley drops his head for a back body drop, though, and Knobs yanks the dude down by the hair. That brings Sags in, and he slams and facejams everybody. Knobs comes back in to take control of one of the Beverlies, and the result is a four-man brawl in which the referee gets knocked down. That's a double disqualification. Naturally, the Nasties clear the bad guys from the ring to end the segment.
Match Thoughts: Once again, the match was too short to be any good . . . and, this time, they didn't even bother to do a proper finish. DUD
Match Numero Tres: The Undertaker w/ Paul Bearer vs. Razor Ramon
Hall goes with the right hands to start, but Taker no sells a shot to the turnbuckle and comes back with the rope walk. Ramon recovers quickly, clotheslining UT out of the ring, only to have his neck snapped over the top rope seconds later. Razor crotches his opponent on the ropes after that, but it has next to no effect. A side slam looks to work at first, but Mr. Calloway sits up after a series of seven elbow drops. It looks like UT is going to make a comeback, but Paul Bearer inadvertently distracts the referee, allowing Ramon to hit UT with the urn. He gets two off of that, and there's another situp spot. A chokeslam looks to finish off the match, but Razor runs home to force a count out.
Match Thoughts: Well, we finally managed to break the DUD mark. Once again, the match was ridiculously quick, but at least they managed to pull out a couple of more exciting spots like the ropewalk and a bump out to the floor by Taker. 1/4*
Match Numero Cuatro: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Typhoon
Bigelow goes behind to start, but Typhoon powers out. Ditto on a headlock, and nobody can knock anybody down again. In an impressive visual, Bammer goes for a cross body block but gets caught and drilled down with a front slam. Bigelow rolls to the outside to recover, and another slam is in order when he returns to the ring. It looks like Mr. Ottman is going to dominate this one, but Bigelow grabs him by the tights and sends him face first in to the second turnbuckle. A vertical suplex follows for the man from Asbury Park, and then he goes in to the chinlock. The future Shockmaster starts to make a comeback, but Bigelow cuts him off with some forearms and the falling headbutt. Bam Bam goes for a slam slam after that, but he drops Typhoon and gets lariated repeatedly. That leads in to an avalanche, but Typh goes for a second and missses, getting clotheslined as a result. Bigelow's swandive headbutt from the top finishes it after that.
Match Thoughts: Neither guy was going all out here, but this almost looked like gold compared to what we've gotten so far. They did a decent back and forth bit in the beginning, then the bad guy beat down the good guy for a while, and the good guy made a comeback, only to ultimately lose the match. Pretty standard professional wrestling, with nothing actively bad. 1/4*
The wrestling man have been lousy up to this point, but now we go to a segment that makes up for it. It's the Repo Man Cam! This character was almost the prototype for wrestlers like the Boogeyman, as it's a ridiculous concept that gets played so over the top that you can't not love it. Mr. Darsow threatens to repossess a man's home video camera, but he cuts a deal with him: The nameless dude videotapes Repo all day, and he gets to keep his property. Apparently a lot of people are late on their payments, as good ole' Barry is forced to make of with a Cadillac and a little boy's ten speed bike.
Match Numero Cinco: Bret Hart (c) vs. Shawn Michaels w/ Sensational Sherri for the Intercontinental Championship
Color commentator Randy Savage on Sherri: "I think she might have a cold, because her chest is swollen."
Michaels goes to the arm to start, but Bret reverses things by dropping down during a hammerlock and tossing HBK to the floor. Hart does some arm work of his own when we get back to the ring, but Michaels gets in a cheap shot off of a break in the corner to end that. A clothesline from the Hitman looks like it's going to get Bret's advantage back, but Shawn sneaks in a kneelift and chokes away. A Harley Race kneelift and a chinlock follow from the Clique member. Bret does escape that, but he runs off the ropes and right in to the Sweet Chin Music, though that wasn't a finisher at this point in time. Shawn also runs in to a boot, allowing Hart to come off of the second rope with a clothesline, following up with an inverted atomic drop and a lariat. The backbreaker and the second rope elbow are next from Bret, as the crowd is ridiculously loud for this match. Hart slaps on a sleeper as Michaels is distracted by the referee, and both guys spill out to the floor while wrapped up in the hold. Then, as Bret tries to get back in to the ring, Michaels shoves him off of the apron and in to a big bump on the guardrail. Oddly enough, that gives Michaels a count out victory. Fortunately neither Vince McMahon nor Earl Hebner were at ringside, because they likely would've awarded the championship to Michaels as a result of that. Hart runs back in after the match and knocks the Sexy Boy out of the ring.
Match Thoughts: There was a lot of mat wrestling in this one, which I don't normally have a problem with. However, it was the sort of mat wrestling that looked like it was supposed to build to a more dramatic finish, which we didn't really get when Bret took his big bump to the floor and get counted out. These guys definitely put in a lot more effort than everybody else featured on the show so far, but it wasn't the best of Hart/Michaels , nor was it even a marginally good rare match that you should go out of your way to hunt down. *
Match Numero Cinco: Doink the Clown vs. Kamala w/ Slick
Just for the record, this is the original, evil Doink, being played by Matt Borne. The Doinker brings a brightly wrapped present to the ring, which he offers to the Ugandan. Just when Kamala starts to show interest, Doink sucker punches him and goes to an armbar. A clothesline follows from the clown, but he runs in to a mule kick from Kamala and gets chopped over the head and out of the ring. Kamala then chases his opponent around the ringside area, when Doink suddenly puts on the breaks and hands him the present. As Kamala tries to open it, Borne rolls back in to the ring and gets his opponent counted out for the victory. As if that wasn't heelish enough, it's revealed that the box was empty all along! Empty, I tells ya!
Match Thoughts: Doink showed some good intensity with his offense here, and the finish was pretty unique and entertaining. That was about all we had going here, though, as Kamala was in the twilight of his career and not able to bring the goods like he used to. DUD
Match Numero Seis: Papa Shango vs. The Undertaker w/ Paul Bearer
Shango chokes his opponent, but Taker responds with more of the same and connects with the big boot. The ropewalk follows, and there's a slam from UT. He misses an elbow and gets clotheslined out of the ring but manages to land on his feet. Hey, look, there's that neck snap spot from the previous Taker match! Then, in a bizarre moment, Shango grabs the staff that he brought out to ringside, and a ton of sparks fly out of it and in to the Undertaker's face. The voodoo man also uses a chair behind the referee's back and whips his opponent in to the ring steps, knees first.
Jim Ross: "The Undertaker is in trouble after getting that explosion in the face!" Why, does Shango have AIDS? I know he went on to be a pimp and all, but you'd think that they'd be smart enough to not taste their own wares . . . sort of like coke dealers.
Um, anyway, the two men get back in to the ring at this point, and Shango tries to continue his dominance with a series of slams and elbowdrops. You know, if shooting fire at the guy didn't put him away, I don't think that will either. I'm proven correct, as Taker sits up, hits his flying clothesline, and puts the former Soultaker away with the chokeslam.
Match Thoughts: In the beginning, this looked like a carbon copy to the Razor Ramon match from earlier in the tape. However, Shango did manage to get a good and believable run of offense that UT sold pretty well. This bit of offense, Taker's selling, and a clean finish on the match allow it to be a few notches higher than the Ramon encounter. 3/4*
Match Numero Siete: Fifteen Man Battle Royale featuring Terry Taylor, Bob Backlund, Kim Chee, Razor Ramon, Tito Santana, Mike Sharpe, The Berzerker, High Energy, Typhoon, Skinner, Shawn Michaels, Kamala, Tatanka, and Damien Demento
This match is actually from an early episode of Monday Night Raw as opposed to being a "Coliseum Video exclusive" like the previous bouts. Between the Berzerker, High Energy's pants, Demento, Skinner, El Matador, 1993 Bob Backlund, babyface Kamala, and a special run-in we have coming at the end of the match, this may be the single highest concentration of Wrestlecrap in one ring at the same time.
We're joined right at the outset, where everybody is standing around and brawling. Ware is our first elimination courtesy of Michaels, as the announcers put over the fact that Berzerker's finisher is actually tossing people over the top rope, which should theoretically give him an advantage. More standing and punching from everybody involved follows, as I realize that Sharpe is no longer in the ring, so he must have gotten dumped off camera. Skinner starts dancing for some odd reason and gets clotheslined out of the ring from behind, thanks to Typhoon. Demento (not to be confused with Demanto) is slung out by Kamala, and I'm just glad that I was finally able to review one of his matches. Owen Hart slaps a sleeper on John Nord, but the big viking dumps him over the top and then kicks Tito Santana in the jimmy when he tries to get in an elimination from behind. 'Zerker's taken out by Kamala seconds later, though, and he leaves to a big "Huss!" chant from the crowd. Kim Chee and Typhoon then team up to eliminate Kamala, and taunting by Chee causes the Ugandan to run back in the ring illegally to eliminate his former handler. Chee escapes through the crowd, and the chase is on. They eventually make it up to the balcony, in a spot that would be stolen by the Undertaker and Mankind many years later.
When the camera makes it back in to the ring, Typhoon goes for an avalanche on HBK, only to have Shawn duck down and toss him out of the ring. That puts us down to a final four of Michales, Ramon, Santana, and Tatanka. Gee, who would've thought they'd be the last guys in the ring? The Clique collaborates, resulting in a tag team match breaking out. A tag team match that is just four guys taking turns punching each other. Santana breaks out of that mold, taking Ramon down with a flying forearm and repeatedly sending Michaels in to the turnbuckles, off of which he takes some ridiculously melodramatic bumps. Shawn eventually gets Irish whipped in to a prone position across the top turnbuckle, and then he's kicked out of the ring. Then, out of nowhere, the Giant Gonzalez runs in. Oh, fuck. Ramon slides out of the ring under the bottom rope, allowing the Giant to toss out Tatanka and Tito. Razor sneaks back in to the ring after the big man leaves and gets declared the winner.
Match Thoughts: *shrug* It's a battle royale. Rarely, if ever, are you going to get anything good out of a battle royale. Some of the outlandish bumps that Shawn was taking towards the end of the match provided a bit of amusement, though this was really just a quick nostalgia trip through the lame gimmicks of the early 1990's.
Match Numero Ocho: Tatanka vs. Repo Man
Lockup to start, and Repo Man takes over with punches off of what was actually a clean break. Tatanka turns things around with a hiptoss and a pair of a dropkicks, but Mr. Darsow bails before the Lumby Indian can unload with the chops. Tatanka goes to work on the arm when the masked man returns to the ring, complete with a legdrop to the outstretched limb. Repo eventually shoves his man off, but Tatanka comes back with a bad cross body block and returns to the arm. The camera gets in close enough to hear Darsow requesting that 'Tanka loosen up before he breaks something. When the arm work wraps up, Tatanka goes for a cross body off of the second rope, but he misses and gets stomped. The Repo Man then puts on an armbar of his own, but Tatanka war dances and chops out of it. Repo does get an opening and tries to come off of the second rope, but he's caught in the gut with a punch and smashed with a clothesline and the Tomahawk chops. The chop from the top only gets two, but the Samoan drop ends the match not long thereafter.
Match Thoughts: Yes, this was another very quick match during which the outcome was never really in doubt. Things did look a little bit better than usual because Tatanka managed to employ some actual strategy, picking a body part and working on it throughout the majority of the match. Unfortunately, that strategy doesn't make a whole lot of sense when you consider that a.) the outcome wasn't affected by it and b.) it's not like Repo Man had an offensive move that the strategy would neutralize. I'll give it 1/2* for the somewhat flawed psychology and a decent false finish at the end with the top rope chop not working as it normally would.
Match Numero Nueve: Ric Flair vs. Mr. Perfect
Bill Alfonso is your referee, daddy. Perfect shoves Flair down to start, and the Nature Boy takes an incredibly hard bump off of a shoulderblock. It looks like Flair is going to come back with a headlock/shoulderblock combo, but Hennig returns fire with a drop toe hold and a big slap to the face. The two men wind up in the corner after that, and the first Flair chop of the match results. Perfect's head then gets sent in to the trunbuckle, off of which he takes a 360 bump. He responds quickly to Flair's offense, whipping him in to the buckle, dropkicking him, and clotheslining him out of the ring. Flair goes to the eyes when he returns to the squared circle, and there's another ridiculous Perfect bump off of the turnbuckles. The Flair kneedrop follows, but it only gets two. Perfect does the Flair flop in response to short punches from Naitch, and here come the big chops. Hennig fires back with rights but runs in to a boot . . . and Flair pisses away his advantage by going up to the top rope. Hennig misses an elbow after the slam, and Flair catches him in the knee-crusher. There's the Figure Four, and Flair's close enough to the ropes that he gets a little bit of an added advantage. Perfect ultimately reverses the hold, but Flair gets under the bottom rope and forces a break. Hennig's wheel is still bad from the amount of time that he spent in the hold, so he's hobbling. He's still able to fire off some punches, and he chops away at the Horseman as well. Slick Ric begs off, but the former IC Champ fails to comply and does the ten punches in the corner. A back body drop continues Mr. P's dominance, and there's the Flair flip down to the floor. Perfect follows him out and delivers a clothesline on the outside before rolling his opponent back in. Flair does manage to reverse an Irish whip, ducking his head to attempt a back body drop of his own. Perfect manages to put on the breaks, though, and there's the Perfectplex for a three count.
Match Thoughts: Again, things were too short to be great, but this still wound up being the best match on the tape. The guys worked a little bit more snug than the majority of the WWF roster at the time, which helped to make their matches look more realistic in the increasingly cartoony Fed world. On top of that, Perfect did a great job of selling the leg after his time in the Figure Four, even making sure to not put an weight on it when he was on the offensive. The finish was a bit out of nowhere, but getting caught off guard was a good way for Flair to lose while still saving a bit of face. *1/4
Final Thoughts
Number of Matches: 9 Highest Star Rating: *1/4 Lowest Star Rating: DUD Average Star Rating (ratable matches only): 1/2*
Okay, so the tape sucked. I don't think I have to say that to anybody who read the rest of the review. It looked great on paper with Perfect/Flair and Hart/HBK, but those two matches went by far too quickly for them to be effective. The only reason I could give somebody to buy htis video would be the pure schlock value of some of the lame early 90's gimmicks featured on the tape – particularly with the Repo Man Cam, the battle royale, and bowling with Kamala being big features. So, pass on Invasion of the Bodyslammers. However, it wouldn't hurt to keep checking out Amazon's zShops and Marketplace if it results in your finding a much better Coliseum video like WrestleFest '94.
