The Wrestling News Experience: 01.30.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 01.30.2006
It'd be so wrong to laugh uproariously right now, but it feels so right.
Bwahahahahahahaha! Eat it, folks, the spinner belt lives, and the Champ...Is...Here! Ahahahahahahahaha!
Okay, I think I'm done, now.
Heh heh heh heh...
Okay, for real this time.
Good morning, everybody. I am Stephen Randle, and we are on the heels of my personal favourite PPV of the year, so you know we just gotta get into it.
So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages...lllllllet's get ready to...
No, I swore I wouldn't.
PPV In Review - WWE Royal Rumble 2006
And because I love you all (except you), but more importantly because I love the Rumble, I did shell out the cash and caught it live, so these are my incredibly and fully informed (for once) thoughts on the PPV.
Gregory Helms pinned Funaki with a Shining Wizard in a Texas Tornado Six-Man Cruiserweight Invitational (Former Champions Only) to win the Cruiserweight Title
Though there are no witnesses, I called Helms as the sixth man when there was a pregnant pause before he was introduced. Nice touch by Cole to remind us that Helms, as Gregory Helms, was actually the last WCW Cruiserweight champ (he lost the belt to Kidman in his first WWE-brand WCW match, if you were interested). Also nice Shooting Star Press by Paul London to the floor, but I'm sure he would have liked it if somebody had, you know, actually slowed his descent. Seriously, I don't know how he missed all five guys in a crowd, but there must have been a hole in the middle. Anyway, shockingly, this was a good match that actually got time. And hey, I guess they aren't firing Helms after all, so that's something.
Mickie James pinned Ashley with a powerbomb
So, Mickie's full lesbian now, or something, and Trish hesitated on the three-count. Hmm...I wonder if we should...tune into Raw tonight to find out what happens next? Hey, who called that again?
The Boogeyman pinned JBL with a pumphandle slam
Barely a match, which is probably a good idea since while JBL has been carryable, there's no way he could have carried this match anywhere decent. Definitely felt weird since it was over like nothing. But it annoys JT, so I'll take it.
Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble Match
Before we get started, I just want to say, that the Rumble match should always go on last.
He entered #2, so technically, we have our third ever Superstar to go the distance (wonder if they'll bring THAT up). And given the final four in the ring...I would have picked RVD. But that's just me. Hey, they didn't screw us over on an Eddie tribute, so that counts for bonus points.
As for the match itself, the first part went WAY too quickly with the eliminations, then way too long in the middle with no eliminations, and at the end of the match, throw the timer out the window because people were entering every 30 seconds or so. Note to Cole, when number thirty hits the ring, avoid mentioning that the match has been 50 minutes long at that point. Even dumb wrestling fans can do basic math. When Orton hit the ring, there were, what, fifteen guys in? That's too many, especially when some of them are luminaries like Orlando Jordan, Eugene, and Tatanka.
Hey, but Trip and Orton didn't win, so I'm happy. Except...
John Cena caused Edge to submit to the STFU to win the WWE Title
Well, I guess it's Trip-Cena for Mania anyway, crushing my dream of Cena-Edge/Angle-Rey double main event. But now, I have to laugh at people again.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Actually, I'm torn, because Edge is my boy, probably even more than Cena, since he's Canadian and therefore much cooler. Ending a three-week reign that was actually looking good doesn't help him at all, it actually hurts him. But hey, if it means I get to listen to more months of whining about the spinner belt and Cena as champion, well...you know.
Oh yeah, match was good but ended too quickly. If I was one who gave stars, it'd get threeish. But I'm not.
And seriously, when Cena gets an elaborate entrance like that, of course he's going to win. Not sure what the point of it was, but it sure was elaborate.
Kurt Angle pinned Mark Henry with a rope-assisted rollup to retain the World Heavyweight Championship
Gotta say, with all the title changes and happy endings tonight, I was really, really, very worried that they were going to do something very, very stupid here. Anyway, Angle bounced off Henry for a while then whanged him a couple times with a chair for the win. Nice, clean, and scientific, and more than Henry ever deserved. And now Taker wants a title match, and he doesn't care how many rings he has to collapse to get it. Listen, how many miracles does Angle have to perform? Even Jesus took a day off.
Overall, it's the Rumble, so it gets good grades. Nothing hella spectacular, and Edge winning would have pushed it over the top, but all the matches were good and above, so we'll say you should get the replay. But you all watched it anyway, right?
Around The Horn
Meltzer is reporting several tidbits, first of all, there may be a celebrity appearing on Raw tonight. Now, apparently they're not a very famous celebrity, but they will mean that...let me quote here..."it'll be the public acknowledgement of something the company tries to publicly deny". So, get your votes in now, porn star, homosexual, or Jerry Springer.
Also, apparently despite Rey winning the Rumble, the plan is to have Orton-Angle at WrestleMania. Well...way to piss on my goodwill WWE. One of these days I'm going to catch on ahead of time. Then, no goodwill for you. Not a bit. Oh, that'll be the day.
The Rock will not, at this point, be returning to WWE to feud with Shawn Michaels, because Michaels is/was/may still be a jerk. Ah, to be the Rock, the only wrestler in the history of the world who can tell Vince to, essentially, screw off, because he never needs, or likely wants, to wrestle ever again, but also knows that his very presence would instantly make the show better.
And there was controversy over who should win the Cena-Edge title match last night up until the last minute, allegedly. Well, I'm sure that's a great comfort to us all at this point.
Shaquille O'Neal, very large basketball player who occasionally pretends to act, took part in a promotional stunt following a Miami Heat game, when he hit Carlito, who was berating a teammate, from behind with a chair. The stunt garnered multiple replays on ESPN, so, hey, it was harmless promotional fun and it worked. Kudos.
Stacy Kiebler is still competing on Dancing With The Stars, while I continue to be baffled as to why these shows are the highest-rated stuff on TV. Why aren't you people watching Scrubs?
Apparently rumors are circulating that Edge will face Mick Foley at WrestleMania. Not sure why, but hey, maybe they'll let Mick write his own storyline. Or maybe WWE Creative doesn't proof that they're a group of retarded monkeys who couldn't write for "Emma's Reason's Why Not". More proof, anyway.
And since we're here, let's check the offices of the Brock Watch. His trial with WWE has been postponed until WWE can gather a suitable bribe for the judge. Or something like that.
And it was reported last week that UPN and The WB were combining networks to form The CW. Few people cared, except for wrestling fans who wondered if Smackdown might be cancelled. When they found out that no, it wouldn't be, they stopped caring as well. A spokesperson for NBC, when asked for their thoughts on the merger, was quoted as saying "Who?"
Well, maybe it wasn't a spokesperson for NBC. Maybe it was my roommate. The point is...I forget that too.
The Great Impact Experiment
I was at my parents' house and did not tape Impact. I did catch most of it, anyway, though. Because I rock.
- I'm all for fan interactivity, hell, I promote Taboo Tuesday, but am I supposed to buy that Team 3D, after feuding with AMW ever since they entered the promotion, and getting screwed out of their long-awaited title shot at the last PPV, can't decide if they want to face AMW or Team Canada at Against All Odds? I realize Team Canada screwed them, but it's a title shot vs no title shot, here, folks.
- I'm going to catch flak for this from certain people, but what the hell. Joe maybe can work a match really, really, well, but he's not all that appealing to look at. Not in a Brokeback Mountain sort of way, more of a...oh hell, I'll just say it. He's an ugly half-sized Samoan guy. I realize that's his thing, but man...he ugly.
- Who bled in Joe's hair?
- So...exactly how many people work for TNA for the sole purpose of "observing"? It was real crowded at ringside, there.
- How convenient that Rhyno cleared all the garbage away from that wall minutes before Goring Abyss through it. And how many corrugated sheet-metal walls have you ever seen standing around an arena? I guess it was part of the set, but the way it was set up, it was kind of a wall in the middle of nowhere. Also, how "lucky" that there was a camera facing the back of that wall, no?
- And after one match, Sting "walks away completely". Look for him in the rafters of TNA, possibly playing cards with the Macho Man, in the very near future.
- Also, when Sting speaks, it just completely does not match up with his attire. Someone dressed like The Crow should be a lot darker. And never use the words "TV-land" or "dude".
That's all I got. Another note, one that's been brought up by others, is that TNA really needs two hours of TV per week. I agree, because you've only got four or five shows between PPVs, and most of your talent only shows up every other week in their current format. Anyway, I was still entertained enough, so the experiment continues...
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 01.31.05, and Randy Orton, Boyyy...of DESTINY (ten points for Calvin and Hobbes reference), had jobbed cleanly in the World Heavyweight Championship match at the Royal Rumble, so we were smooth sailing towards Trip-Batista at WrestleMania. And I was happy.
And Smackdown was going to be cancelled on UPN, until it wasn't. We're such great journalists. But that's okay, because sometimes my readers let me know when the Rise and Fall of ECW DVD finally hits stores in Guelph after many weeks of complaining, and I can run out and buy a copy. This was one of those times.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 01.23.06
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Booker T, SD!, out six-eight weeks as of January 2 (leg injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Eugene, RAW, suspended indefinitely as of November 19 (drug rehab)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- RVD, RAW, out until January 29 (knee surgery)
Transactions
- Booker T, SD!, returned to action in the Rumble match
Although he was immediately eliminated, so perhaps he's not all that healthy.
- Eugene, RAW, returned to action in the Rumble match
Judging by the reaction that I heard, this gimmick's dead. Sorry, Eugene, you tried.
- Goldust, returned to WWE in the Rumble match
Sigh. When 29 rolled around, I was really, really hoping for Miami's favourite son, but I guess that was a faint hope at best. Ah well, at least Vader didn't come with him.
- Hacksaw Jim Duggan, made special appearance at the Royal Rumble
Heh heh heh. Payoffs rule.
- RVD, RAW, returned to action in the Rumble match
And made the final four! And was over! Could a push be around the corner, or will he be feuding with Carlito by WrestleMania? Surveys says...oh, you know what's going to happen already.
- Spirit Squad, RAW, debuted on Raw
Gay, gay, gay, gay, gayyyyyyyyyyyyy. At least for now. The situation may change if they actually wrestle this week, or do something not gay.
- Tatanka, returned to WWE in the Rumble match
Well, he's a little less heavy than when he came back last time. I'll assume Raw will be his home, but that means that, since Goldust was also last on Raw, there were actually 16 Raw wrestlers and 14 Smackdown wrestlers. But hey, who knows anymore.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Larry and JD have all the Royal Rumble recaps you can stomach. And for the record, JD, Larry is definitely a threat to America. Good thing I'm Canadian.
And after many, many months of voting and fighting, the 411 Staff, courtesy Scott Rutherford, are proud to present the first installment of 411's Top 50 Tag Teams of All Time (50-41). We worked hard, so check it out.
Small picks Orlando Jordan to win the Rumble in the Sunday news. That's why he works Sundays. And Boman pushes everyone's buttons in the Saturday news.
Small and Slimmer contribute Heat recaps, Fried deals with Velocity, and JD and Larry team up for Impact.
The 411 Ninja mentions my column in his Monday review, so here's his Weekend Review
Fried and Dunn have Smackdown and clever jokes about Orton.
JP and JT had to have found loads of Hidden Highlights in the Rumble, and if they didn't, I'll have to point them out for them.
Ari's Column of Honor requires anger management. Like me!
Boman is sponsered this week by the Black-Eyed Peas, but don't hold it against him.
And Carapola motors on through the history of ROH.
The Gab Bag
Today in "Fun Facts About Your 411 Staff", I'll reveal that John Meehan loves Shakespeare, particularly Romeo and Juliet and Richard III. So I may have ticked him off a bit last week by calling Richard III "boring". Stay positive, John, because as an English major, I am widely versed in all of Shakespeare's well-known plays, though I much prefer his comedies to his tragedies (because really, would a main character in one of his tragedies just STOP and THINK for 3 seconds about what they're doing and how it might be a bad idea?). Favourite play is, of course As You Like It, with The Tempest and the play-within-a-play in A Midsummer Night's Dream running close behind. Anyway, when one caters to the uncultured masses as we do, one must pretend to deride Shakespeare, since it's far too high-class for any of them to even pretend to understand.
Um...everyone who's not Meehan should probably ignore that last part. Of course you're all cultured. You read my column, after all. This thing's got culture out the wazoo.
And as you may recall, last week I questioned if wrestling had ever had angles based in reality. Emmett Overbey sent me an e-mail that just said "5/23/99", and while the death of Owen Hart was horrible, tragic, and real, unless Vince McMahon is truly Satan in a fairly good disguise (he's not), it wasn't a planned, scripted angle, which was more the point of my question.
Rams1450, on the other hand, offers up that MTV could kind of combine the "behind the scene" style of Tough Enough and mix in matches. I could actually see that working, but probably not as a long-term real promotion, more of a "reality TV" show. Still, would be kind of cool in concept.
John Orvis brought my attention to the WB/UPN channel merger (what a stupid name for a channel, by the way..The CW), and wants my thoughts, because I'm cool like that. Well, it can't possibly hurt either channel, as they were the two lowest-rated ones in existence. Maybe by pooling their small number of good TV shows, they could actually put together a single decent schedule. And as for wrestling on The CW, even before they announced the two year extension, I was fairly sure Smackdown wasn't going anywhere. Wrestling may be the lowest of low-brow TV to most network executives, but when your network has to spend every week looking up at every other network in the ratings, and your show is the highest-rated thing on said network, there's some minor security to be found. Now, Vince has no real leverage to move off The CW, since every other network is doing just fine, but if he can handle getting a little less money in exchange for ensuring stable TV, I'm fairly sure his business instincts would kick in. Remember, WCW up until just before the end still had buyers because it had guaranteed TV slots every week. It doesn't matter how good or how bad your product is, if you can keep it on TV, somebody will watch it.
Allan Mills brings up a good question that's been asked a couple times in other places and I've yet to hear a real answer. Namely, the WWE's plan to push Animal as a singles wrestler, when it's been reported that Animal's insurance carrier will only continue to pay him (since he's retired, after all) if he is in tag matches, and not singles matches. Couple solutions off the top of my head here, either we're totally wrong on that information (it happens), or Vince is offering him enough money to make it worthwhile, with the safe bet being the second one.
Bill Gates contacted me as well, and though he didn't offer me a job for millions of dollars (which I would grudgingly accept, as long as he threw in a copy of Window XP. Seriously, I need one, too many things no longer support 98), he did want to to compliment 411 on our balanced coverage between WWE and TNA, and say that it is possible to enjoy both TNA and WWE, and also that it's not a crime to prefer TNA's current product over WWE's, or vice versa. But if we didn't complain, our columns would be so short and have little to no e-mail from readers angry because we don't agree with their world views. I mean, sure, we'd have world peace, but who wants that? And don't worry, your e-mail address is safe with me, so if someone reports you to the anti-terrorist hotline for having different opinions (land of the free, eh?), blame JT.
EagleZane thought it would have made perfect sense for Matt Hardy to win the Rumble and challenge Edge. Yep. Then again, Edge would have had to retain the title, too. Whups.
RC reminds us that Rey will not win the Rumble (received before the Rumble, duh), because that would make Mania face-face, and Vince hates that. Well, good news, if rumor is true, then. Well, not good news, but good news for Vince...I guess.
Sam Everett booked a WrestleMania card that would have been awesome, but won't happen because it's far too cool. Also, because Edge didn't retain. That keeps showing up. I'm short on space and time this week, but with his permission, I think I'll go in-depth with his card next week, because I really think it deserves an inside look.
Alan Bootier picked RVD to win the Rumble, and took the Roundtable to task for not doing the same. Hey, I was right there with you, buddy. Even in my predictions. Right up until I remembered that WWE Creative will never push RVD properly. But we can dream.
Also, line of the night at the end of his e-mail: PS - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if the letters Q and R were eliminated.
Wrap your mind around that, if you dare.
DarKing thought that Edge should have won the IC Title AND the WWE Title at NYR, just to give the IC belt some credibility. I'm still not sure why they gave Flair the belt, since they seem to have forgotten that they did, especially when there's so many other contenders that could be fighting over it while Flair was feuding with Edge for the big belt. On the other hand, it'd be nice if Edge had won both titles, because then he'd have something to fall back on after last night. On the other other hand (shut up, I know), Edge should have retained the WWE Title last night. That's my two cents or so.
And here's my favourite reader, BT, with an array of thoughts:
First of all, where in the hell does 'the Predator' get off pretending to be someone like the Big Show? I have not seen that much staggering around from either BS or Kane like that oaf. Yes, I said oaf. And why does he have a manager who should do the talking for him and yet he still insists on slobbering all over himself (must be drool, not oil on his chest) and staring at the camera with those beady little eyes. Now granted, Mark Henry could be the nicest guy in the world, he could also be an intelligent, well spoken man and an excellent actor to pull off the babbling monkey character he plays. It /could/ all be Creative and not Mark. Problem is, I don't know how I could make Mark marketable.
The Strongest Man gimmick is old and worn out. They would have to go back 10 years and say it with legitimacy. It works for Angle because he is that damn good. It doesn't work for Henry unless they at least do cheap gimmicks to show it. Have him rip a phone book in half, have him crush a full unopened beer in his hand. Have him punch a locker and just cave the damn thing in or put a hole in a plaster wall. Maybe a 'Hulk' gimmick could work for him, and I am not talking 'Hogan'. Don't have him 'ignore' damage and attacks, have him get madder and madder till he goes berserk in the ring. Yes, that also means having him lose half of his matches in a DQ, but then you make non-DQ matches his strength. Have submission holds be his down fall. Explain that he wants his matches to be short and brutal and you work within his style. Give him real flaws and obvious strengths.
God, I can work with that oaf, I should give myself more credit...
I like Kurt as champ (or course) but I hate how all the baby faces in the back are all nice to him. Don't give Kurt friends, and respect can be given begrudgingly. Oh, and the only reason why Taker is wrestling him at No Way Out instead of Mania is so he doesn't have to lose in Mania. I think his precious 'streak' is still alive, or did he waste it in a 5th attempt to get Dorkboy over? If he did, he must be a bitter, bitter man. Dorkboy was at his best in Evolution as the IC champ, and he still failed.
Fit Finlay...or just Finlay now. Should at least keep the Fit. Well, now all he has to do is be a drunk and feud with Regal and he is the perfect stereo type. I guess this is his reward for doing well for the past 4 to 6 years coaching the women on Raw.
Congratulations Finlay, your a midcard jobber, just like in WCW.
Well, might as well get rid of all of the women on Raw now or just go back to using them as eye candy. Poor Victoria and Trish, they worked so hard too, it is a shame. Send Finlay to OVW and have him train there. If he can do half as good of a job with them as he did with the women, they should have star after star coming out.
That 'talk' between Vince and Shawn on Raw seems to be coming true in a way. Vince is turning back the clock on wrestling, back to a time when every wrestler needed a job (read: Gimmick) to wrestle and it sucked. Vince I think needs to step down or take a vacation away from wrestling. He need to let younger, fresher folk take over that can try to make wrestling popular, and I mean popular as in the Monday Night Wars popular, not Hogan slamming Andre popular.
As a side note, just to offer some advice... If you want more reader mail, pose questions to them ask for their input on a various angle or gimmick or feud. Yes, encourage fantasy booking (in a way), but to keep with your theme, ask it or direct it in a constructive manner. It is easy to bitch about a problem, but make them think of a solution to said problem. I bitched about mark Henry, yet I tried to do what I could to make it possible for me to like Mark Henry. Otherwise, I personally like Shakespeare.
That's right, he says it so I don't have to. God bless cut and paste. Anyway, I don't mind having readers fantasy-book, but please, as a favour to me, unless you have the most spectacular angle/match/card in the history of the world, with totally new perspectives (i.e. not "they should do Benoit/Angle at Mania because they both rock"...we're all aware of that by now), I am going to cut it down severely.
And One To Go On
Late again, cursed Rumble. No, I didn't mean that, I love the Rumble. Anyway, 411 will have Raw coverage tonight as John Cena's second reign begins. Suckers. Larry's in tomorrow, I'm back next week.
