News to Start Your Weekend 02.03.06
Posted by Nick Marsico on 02.03.2006
Disclaimer: Lots and lots of youth-destroying language will close this week's column. Also, enjoy injury news and tearing into Vince McMahon.
Yeah, it must be the end of the week again. I guess it's time for me to start your weekend again. Apparently I have to write this damn thing again. There is probably plenty of news for me to talk about again. I also have to talk about a pay-per-view again. Notice how I'm finishing every sentence with again. Okay, don't notice. It's a lame fucking gimmick. Let's move on.
FUCKIN' NEWS TIME MOTHERFUCKERS
Is it okay to laugh at this?
Mark Madden had heart surgery yesterday and is doing well. Madden hopes to be back to his radio duties in a few days.
Fat ass Mark Madden. You stink, Mark Madden.
It's Disco Inferno news
Glen "Disco Inferno" Gilberti and Tom Prichard were backstage at the Impact taping working as agents.
I only posted it because it said his name. Oh, our guest last week on RocketBusta Radio was also backstage. That's Dory Funk, Jr. by the way. Go to the site to download the show and hear the 40 minute interview.
Sabin's gonna be okay
There was a fear that Chris Sabin broke his ankle at the Impact taping last night but it appears to be just a bad sprain.
They have pictures of this as well as the blade job Brother D'Von pulled on himself that caused them to CHANGE THE RING CANVAS on Tuesday night. That's a pretty manly blade job.
Two new WWE signings
Goldust signed a new WWE deal on Monday and is now back on the fulltime roster.
Eric, a friend of Orlando Jordan's, has been signed by WWE. He will play one third of the love triangle for Jordan's new bisexual character. The other third will be played by former TNA valet Trinity. Eric has no prior wrestling experience.
I miss the Goldust and Booker T team. They really fucked up on that one by making us wait so long before they finally put the belts on them, and then they lost them under a month later. It really is a shame it happened that way. As far as the bi stuff, yay. I can't wait for this one to play out. Maybe it will end the same way "At Home at the End of the World" ends. Yeah, I watched that movie last night. The one where Colin Farrell makes out with some dude named Dallas but then makes up for it by impregnating Robin Wright Penn. But yeah, maybe this angle will end just like that movie.
And for the "No Shit" news piece of the week…
Word is that many backstage are upset regarding WWE's continued use of the Eddie Guerrero name.
And apparently the use of his name is just getting warmed up, too. I'd go on a rant about it, but I just don't have the energy to do that anymore. These motherfuckers just seem so god damn hopeless, ya know? The more I hear Eddy's name on WWE TV, the less I'm convinced that ANYTHING Vince said on RAW taped the night of Eddy's death was from his heart or what he actually felt whatsoever. Apparently Orton says something about Eddy burning in hell on SmackDown! this week. Well, Vince, with all the shit you've pulled in your life, using fucking Eddy Guerrero's name like you are in order to fuel shitty storylines is just FUCKING DEPLORABLE. It's easily, as far as I'm concerned, the worst thing McMahon has ever done. Give me anything else he's done, and I guarantee that nothing was as low and as much of a scumbag move as this is. My only question isn't why Vince is doing this, because we all know he's been a just about completely heartless bastard since he's been in the public eye and he has lost any tact he might have ever had over the last couple years – my question is why is the talent fucking standing for this? They're apparently upset about it, so why don't they do something about it? If they all were to go and confront the motherfucker, Vince couldn't fire everybody! Why have Orton and Triple H agreed to this? Why, of all people has REY MYSTERIO agreed to go along with an angle like this? All of a sudden I find myself at a loss for words.
On a side note, I guess that I really do have the energy to rant. I didn't think so, but as soon as I started, it kept flowing out. I guess that's what pieces of shit can do to you, eh? I just want to know who the fuck thinks this is a good idea or even somewhat appropriate. Who would even let something like this cross their minds?
Oh, and I'm not even going to bother with the story about Vince apparently groping some woman at a tanning salon. I hope that even if it didn't happen, this goes to court or whatever and that Vince gets punished in the worst way possible for the crime.
Abyss out of ROH
Abyss gave his notice to Ring of Honor this week. Abyss wanted a more prominent role in the company, but Gabe Sapolsky didn't want another TNA talent pushed ahead of more long–time ROH wrestlers who have paid thier dues. The split was apparently very civil as both men understood each other's position, so a return could happen down the line.
It's nice to see gentlemen work things out in a gentlemanly manner. The corporate world really does suck, doesn't it?
TNA PPV streams are coming
Starting in March, TNA will start streaming their PPV's for International fans. To start there will not be any extras available, but that could change once the service is underway.
Aaaaahhh, come on, make it available for everybody like WWE's streams, would ya? As long as there's a 500k stream. Those rule. I will actually be able to order the March show, though, as I'll be home from school for the week. But not the April show and not the shows next fall! Throw me a bone, would ya?
MTV Wrestling update! Yaaaay!
Some problems have come up with the 2/9 MTV-Big Vision Entertainment wrestling pilot taping. The taping has apparently already gone over budget. It remains to be seen how MTV handles this.
A major problem that has come up is that MTV is trying to sign all the talent that will appear on the pilot to exclusive contracts that keep them from working anywhere else during the show's season. Of course, there is no guarantee that MTV will even pick up the show and have a full season and deciding that could take awhile, meaning wrestlers may end up being locked out of working other shows. It is likely that this issue will need to be addressed before some of the bigger names sign on.
The promotion will likely use the initials WSX.
The show will likely be taped in a warehouse in Los Angeles that will be converted to into a soundstage for the pilot.
Ronnie Lang's Atlas Security will be handling the security at the taping. Atlas Security also worked many of the ECW shows years ago.
The talent scheduled to appear include Sean Waltman, Teddy Hart, Jack Evans, New Jack, Vampiro, PJ Polaco (formerly Justin Credible), Matt Sydal, Lizzy Valentine (formerly Valentina) and Altar Boy Luke.
Dark matches:
Puma vs. Tommy Williams
Human Tornado vs. Delirious vs. Luke
Disco Machine & Joey Ryan & Topgun Talwar vs. Scorpio Sky & Zokre & Phoenix Star
You know what would be awesome? RAW on Monday, this on Tuesday, iMPACT! on Wednesday, SmackDown! on Thursday, internet HeAt on Friday, internet Velocity on Saturday and PPV 1 to 3 Sundays a month. That would be really cool as a wrestling fan, to have wrestling on 6 to 7 days a week.
Tazz and Cole on the inferior satellite radio company
Tazz and Cole (he will apparently be going by Cole now, not Michael Cole) have gotten their own radio show on Howard Stern's Channel 101 on Sirius Radio. The show debuts tonight and according to The Stern Wrap-Up Show, it will not be about wrestling but will be a showcase for Tazz and Cole as radio personalities.
Well it's a shame they had to go with the company with millions fewer listeners, worst hardware equipment and worse talent as far as radio personalities go, but I guess I wish them luck. I have a feeling it won't last too long, though. Is this going to be a daily or weekly thing? I haven't read anything about this elsewhere, either. I'm sure I didn't look hard enough, but I didn't see it on the Sirius website, even. I guess by the time this is published on the site, the show will have happened, though. One of you people with that awful Sirius service, please tell me if you heard it. Then cancel your subscription, flush your Sirius down the toilet, and fuck your mother.
BYE BYE NEWS HELLO THOUGHTS AND SHIT
SmackDown! 1.27.06
I think I will go segment-by-segment! Yaaaaaay!
Mysterio vs. Henry was a good match, but not as good as their match the week before for the #1 Contendership. It was a decent way to begin the show, and a good little thing to make you think Rey wouldn't be good enough to make it through the Rumble match at the pay-per-view.
Matt Hardy sucks at cutting babyface promos. His original Mattitude character was better as far as mic work goes, but it still wasn't that good. His mouth is a black hole of charisma, and so are his distant eyes. Geez… it's like he's looking into my soul and looking away from it at the same time.
Booker and Orton segment was decent, but as it turned out, it went nowhere.
The 3-Way tag match wasn't a good match, but Crazy had some good spots. It was a short schmozz and nothing to care about, and the result was obvious.
Benoit vs. Orton was a good match, just below the quality of the final match of the best-of-seven series, but slow as all hell. Plus, why bother with the stupid garbage can and lids? Why does "No Holds Barred" and "No DQ" always mean "garbage can lids"? They're one of the silliest parts of the 24/7 Hardcore title era, and for some reason, it stuck around. They could, and should, have just used chairs in place of the can and lids, and to make up for the lack of plunder, eliminated rope breaks and had the referee get involved less. It's No Holds Barred, fellas. The ref is there ONLY to count the pinfall or call for the bell if there's a submission, and nothing else. He shouldn't be getting in the guys' way or interfering in the action whatsoever. Still a really good match, though, even if they did steal the finishing spot from the Benoit/Jericho match from BackLash 2000.
Finlay still rules, and since he's doing what he's doing in the WWE environment, he seems so much better than almost anything going right now. Stiff as hell, and as people have been saying for a while now, stiffness really is the new high spot. Or whatever it is they say.
JBL is hilarious, but the mole thing would have been so much funnier – who am I kidding, it might have been funny at all – if Tazz and Cole, especially Tazz, didn't sell the damn thing so stupid and over the top. Yeah Tazz, we know, it's big and looks like it has puss and shit. Enough with the fucking fake laughter, okay? Stick to making stupid jokes and being speechless, and then making Cole look like a retard anyway.
And on the JBL/Scotty match, that match was like a really good closing segment of a 20 minute long dramatic classic. Well it was.
Melina's revealing of the taped up ankle was cute, although Long's reaction was, well, lacking. I wasn't sure if he was just humoring her, if he actually thought she was going to bang him to get something or what, because he had no fucking expression on his face. His happy dance does rule, though. YOU KNOW IT'S THE MACK MILITANT… COMING TO GET IT ONNNN!
The main event annoyed the shit out of me. The tag champs looked like fucking scrubs to the highest degree. Neither guy got in any offence on their own against Angle, and the only time they got anything going as a team was when they were not only double teaming, but double teaming and cheating. That's a fucking disgrace, really. It's never good to book any one guy over your tag champions, no matter who he is, even if it is Kurt Angle, World Heavyweight Champion. Both Mercury and Nitro should have been able to hold their own a little bit in the ring with Kurt, and if they had to lose, it shouldn't have been all neat and clean like it was.
Henry's escape from the Ankle Lock to end the show was a good prelude to the Rumble match, but we all know how that turned out.
Speaking of the Rumble…
I enjoyed it. I watched it with a group of people live (on the WWE.com webcast, by the way, which was fantastic quality on the 500k feed, although viewing it again on Tuesday the quality was not as good as it was live for whatever reason, still good though), and I had a great time watching. The Rumble match itself was especially fun, and I loved the first 20 or so minutes, as it was so different with all of the unexpected eliminations. For a short time, it was like a Triple H vs. Rey Mysterio match with a bunch of foiled run-ins, and now I really want to see a full length match between the two men. I definitely enjoyed the beginning of the match and it was a really refreshing thing to see the ring not all cramped up, although when it finally did get filled, it wasn't all that bad, although it was kind of dead for a while. The returns were largely uninspired and boring, but whatever. I was really taken out of the match when I learned of the rumor that the winner of the match wouldn't be heading to the main event of ‘Mania, but I still did pop pretty big at the final two eliminations.
The Cruiserweight 6-man was a good way to open the show, and it was a lot of fun as far as being a WWE style Cruiserweight spotfest with some extra high flying stuff thrown in. Some good spots and a good way to get the crowd going for the show, and Paul London is all kinds of manly for that chest first bump off the SSP. Nobody caught him! I am interested in seeing if Helms' victory leads to anything on SmackDown!, and if maybe the cruisers will get some time on TV leading up to WrestleMania.
Mickie vs. Ashley was way too long for what it was, and the crowd turned on it way too late. It wasn't too bad, though, as I didn't find it all that hard to watch on the second go around. Ashley has no place in any match that long, especially a one-on-one match.
I was stunned by the very quick result of the JBL/Boogeyman match. I know I'm echoing everybody, but JBL was the WWE Champion for 10 months, and now he's jobbing to a shitty "comedy" character in 2 minutes? Color me boggled.
Cena vs. Edge was boring as shit, but technically, there was nothing wrong with it. It was just a boring match in the regular Cena style, as he gets his ass kicked for the entire match and makes the ridiculous comeback with the shoulder block, clotheslines, Protobomb, 5-knuckle shuffle, and the FU, and now the STFU, which, if it's an attempt to add some variety to his oft-criticized offense, is a failure because it doesn't make any sense for him to be using in the match. If he's going to use a submission, he has to build up to it, not just put it on in what seems to be nothing more than a half-assed attempt to ward off some of the detractors who say he can't wrestle. Hated the fact that Cena won it back, too, because it's just a damn waste, through and through.
The main event doesn't really need to be spoken about. I will say, however, that I did enjoy the interview with Angle backstage before the match, as it really brought back that old school (as in, early 90s thru around 1997) main event match feeling to it. Match blew, had no drama, and just came off really bad. I really had some decent expectations for this one too, as Mysterio was able to drag some really decent stuff out of Henry 2 weeks in a row. I guess it was just not to be on this night. The Undertaker's valiant return annoys me to no end, and it's the only damn reason that the Rumble had to go on in the middle of the show. I will admit that I did like the change a bit from the usual formula of all of the matches with the Rumble being the main event, but with the two title matches they had, this was not the year to do it. 2002, I think, would have been a perfect time to do it, as they could have put the tag title match on first (Dudleys vs. Tazz & Spike), follow it with the IC title match (Edge vs. Regal) and then lead into the Rumble with the Women's title (Jazz vs. Trish). They could have had the Rumble match, and then gone with Flair vs. McMahon and finish the show off with Jericho vs. Rocky as the big main event. They could have even just put the Undisputed title match on right after the Rumble that year, but Triple H won it, so even if it would have been suggested, I bet his win would close the show anyway. But yeah, this year was NOT the year to go for it. Anyway, the Undertaker's shtick is boring as fuck and it's just old and stale these days. Hell, the last time we saw him, he stood atop the Hell in a Cell VICTORIOUS! It's not like he was even killed off and has a reason to make the big return. This could have been done in the Rumble match or on SmackDown!, but I guess they had to do the cheesy magic show to end the show on a down note, I don't know.
In the end, it was a decent enough show and I had a lot of fun watching it live, but it's not something that will be remembered much. I'll remember the beginning of the Rumble match and the final four, but aside from that, everything else was infinitely forgettable.
RAW happened as well, on 1.30.06
Booooring. It started off promising with Edge's backstage promo, but then it fell and fell and fell. The Michaels/McMahons segment went on WAAAY too long for what it was. Just go out, talk for a moment, don't friggin' babble about nothing, and then have Shane come out of the crowd with the chair. Hell, it looked like Shane-O was late, too, as it seemed like Vince and Shawn were standing around at the end just waiting for him to come out.
Why did Van Dam have to sell so much for Snitsky? It should have been a quick 2 minute squash with RVD getting in all of his signature spots, hitting the 5 star and getting out of there quick. The frog splash did look absolutely phenomenal, though, but we do only have Chavo's bastardized version of it to compare to now, so the 5 star is only going to look way better in comparison.
H's vs. Chavo was not a bad match, but I couldn't really get into it. It wasn't offensive, but it was kinda just there. I won't bother commenting further on using Eddy's name.
I really like Carlito and Masters as a team. I like Carlito a lot, but as I've documented so many times here, I despise Masters with just about every fiber of my being, however as a team, that have a lot of chemistry and work together really well. This was the match of the night to me, as I certainly enjoyed these guys' tag work together. Weird.
Goldust versus Shelton… NEXT. They're really hit or miss with the Momma stuff. It's either almost mildly humorous or dead end awful The wheelchair and oxygen? Not funny. What made it worse was that they had to milk it for the entire match. I like goofy shit, but this stuff is way too goofy for its environment, and it's not funny goofy, it's stupid goofy, which almost never works.
The women's segment ran much too long. Decent, but much, much too long. The Spirit Squad still stinks, although they did sing Mickie's entrance music, just with different lyrics. Just turn Mickie already!
Main event was definitely a better match than their outing from the previous night, but only because it wasn't just 15 minutes of Cena laying around. The crowd really wasn't that into it, as they kind of sat on their hands through a lot of it, and certainly weren't popping for ANY of the near falls or most of the other points in the match where it was obvious they were expecting to get cheers for. That made it kind of tough to watch, as the crowd seemed largely apathetic. The finish is unnecessarily confusing, because they just can't come up with any better way to continue the feud, so they just do something stupid and waste a perfectly decent main event title match.
RAW wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, either.
PREVIEWS, EMAILS AND THE REST
WWE Friday Night SmackDown! Preview
WWE Tag Team Championship
Champions MNM vs. The Mexicools
Handicap Match
Bobby Lashley vs. The Dicks
United States Championship
Surrogate Champion Finlay vs. Chris Benoit
Mark Henry & Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio & Kurt Angle
TNA iMPACT! Preview
Press conference with Jeff Jarrett and Christian Cage
AJ Styles vs. Jay Lethal
LAX in action
Rhino in action
And some emails
Quick note: anything bolded as well as italicized in the feedback is something I said in a previous column, and the stuff in only italics is from the reader (except for this, because it's me writing).
Maureen Burgess (that's right, a FE-MALE!) has some feedback:
Yes, move Shelton to SmackDown and have all 4 of them get into a saga like Noble, Nidia, Billy Gunn and Torrie Wilson. The payoff is that they all end up with Hepatitis, and then Orlando, being bisexual, ends up getting it as well, but nobody knows who he actually got it from, since he ends up hooking up with all of them as time goes on.
HAHA
They should actually do it so Orlando new chracter wont bomb. AH fuck it it is going to bomb anyway but still funny, maybe they need Billy & Chuck?
Only if we get a 6 way kiss match.
Rick Funcannon has some thoughts on what he would like to see at the Rumble. Or… well he did send this to me last week before the show happened:
I wonder if the open spots are being saved for the losers of the title matches? And I think JBL belongs in the Rumble. His match will probably be first and it will DEFENATLY be short sense Boogeyman isnt very skilled in the ring. So I see no reason why JBL cant be in the Rumble. It could be VERY compelling considering the fact that he HAS LEAD the Smackdown vs. Raw fued. Plus Im DYING to see him fight HHH and Shawn Micheals. I think one good way to go with the Rumble would be to have Edge lose his title match and then win the Rumble. Thats something that has never happened before and it would help push Edge even more. Just for the record I LOVE the way Edge is playing his character. Hes doing a terrific job and I dont blame him for the Live Sex thing because I dont think it was his idea. I think it was forced on him. If Edge did win the Rumble the best thing to do would be to have Angle attack him on Raw. Then Edge goes to Vince and DEMANDS out of his Raw contract. Vince says NO WAY IN HELL. Then Edge sends Lita to "take care of Vince" for him. Of course Vince caves and lets Edge hop to Smackdown for a World Title Match.
Well you got the short Boogeyman match thing right. JBL already wrestled HBK, though, and it was long, slow and boring. The Rumble match of course went on before the title matches, so that negates any of the stuff you said about Edge by default. I like Edge and he's been doing decent, but it's nothing special. I'm not really a fan of the rest of that stuff, but I was a major proponent of Mysterio winning the Rumble, so obviously I wouldn't agree with you. Thanks for the feedback, sir.
Uh oh! Michael Marsico, somebody who seems to have stolen the name of my younger brother, wants to burst my bubble on Royal Rumble predictions. Let's see how he did:
Love the column and always get insight out of it, however, I must disagree on some of your predictions. Look for Angle and Edge to retain their titles (Ya gotta love Edge), Look for Mickie James to beat Ashely in a heel change for Trish, JBL to beat Boogeyman, and my prediction for the Royal Rumble match would be.....Randy Orton. A Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle match would be pretty cool. Who are you gonna put up against Edge in a title match at WM? Not too many possibilities ecept HHH (as a face?)
My predictions, just to bring everybody up to speed, were (JBL, Ashley, Cena, Angle and Rey, so I was 3 out of 5).
WOOPS, YOU WERE WRONG ON EDGE, STUPID! Why in God's name would Trish turn? That makes no sense? JBL lost, and so did Orton. If you thought for a moment that Edge was going to make it to ‘Mania with the title, you were blatantly lying to yourself, although I wouldn't be fully surprised if he won it and lost it back one more time before the show in April. Looks like we are going to get that Orton vs. Angle match, though, which pisses me off to no end, but I'm sure I'll have more to say about that next week when I talk about SmackDown. But yeah, you only got 2 out of 5 right, and I got 3. AHAHAHAHAHAH YOU'RE A GREAT BIG STUPID.
I am proud to proclaim that my bubble is still in tact.
*Disclaimer: Person depicted in photo may not actually be Nick Marsico.
David Orr (DOrr@jam.rr.com) has a problem with my language:
Your vocabulary as a writer could use some work.
Any writer that has to use the "F bomb" as many times as you do is doomed to be stuck in the ether of the internet for life.
You could be more creative than to have to sink to uncivilized language.
I replied to him in a very kind and well-written manner, showing him that I can, in fact, formulate wonderfully beautiful thoughts and write them down in a civilized manner, but Mr. Orr did not get my point. He didn't get the joke, he didn't get anything. He then proceeded to insult my future offspring:
Whatever just please don't print my e-mail address.
Hope you don't get embassassed someday when your child or grandchild drops the F bomb in public cause they heard you say it.
Like father like son.
Sorry, I just think people shouldn't use that word in public or on internet where kids pickup stuff.
Where's the door I'm out of here.
Well, I printed your email, ass. If anybody has forgotten, it's DOrr@jam.rr.com. If any of my faithful readers feels compelled to tell this man how they feel about him, please feel free to send him as many emails you please to illustrate your points. This thick-skulled motherfucker, I don't know who he is, how old he is, if he's got kids, anything like that, but I do know that he's got a one track mind that can't even be changed with rational reasoning, and he deserves to be punished for that. Yeah, jackass, my news column on a wrestling section of a website is really something that is going to destroy the innocence of the children of this world. I, Nick Marsico, am single-handedly raping the purity of this world's youth and corrupting their young minds with all of my fucks, shits, motherfuckers, and any other god damn word I might fucking decide to use to get across my point and write in an interesting and easy-to-read, conversational style that reads more like me talking to my readers rather than having them click the link and reading a fucking bullshit cocksucking cunting dick cock shitty fucked up cunt-like gosh darn essay.
Understand, fuckface? I hope you burn in hell, David Orr, DOrr@jam.rr.com, who I hope receives tons of emails from everybody who disagrees with you and agrees with me. How's that for a fucking ASSIGNMENT AMERICA?
